Sometimes I Miss People That Weren't Really Good To Me.

And I missed out on so much of my life because I was living in a constant state of anxiety. And if it wasn't anxiety then it was depression. And if it wasn't depression then it was mania. And I literally can't remember being a child. I can't remember being a person. My whole life looks like this inescapable grey haze and I'm stuck in it. Buried in it. I don't want to fall asleep crying anymore. I don't want nightmare after nightmare. I want to feel safe and comfortable and happy and I am literally incapable of it. And that is so fucking terrifying.

I wish I felt connected to these people that I’ve known all my life but I don’t

there's something wrong with me

i'm not a good person

there's something wrong with me that i don't understand

I hate that I can't talk about my issues more eloquently.

I've been alone for so much of my life. Like stuck in my bedroom starving deeply alone. All I do is panic and dissociate and distance myself from people. Because I don't know how to talk to people, and I don't think people actually want to be around me. I must be intimidating, or ugly, or something.

I just want attention. I dunno.

Is that so wrong?

We manic!!!! Rejoice!!!!