"I'm Too Sober For This," I Say Before Taking A Huge Chug From A Wine Glass Full Of Chocolate Milk

this but im in house of leaves and instead of going insane mapping the house i just get hyped about all the extra square footage and closet space

Kids are funny. In just one summer vacation, a child can make lifelong friends with a weird frog, be transported to a distant fantasy realm under attack by an evil magician, experience loss via the tragic sacrifice of a trusted warrior ally, and be returned to this earth, just in time to start school again in the fall. For the rest of us, we push the "snooze" button on our Slack notifications nineteen times in the same summer.

What adults are, though, is resourceful. We've figured out a long time ago that we should be taking advantage of anyone who isn't paying enough attention. The grift can never end, and if I'm scamming you, you can't be scamming me, unless you are, in which case I need to scam someone else too. So when our children started opening magical portals to fantasy realms all over the fucking place, you can't imagine we didn't see an opportunity.

First, it's the free babysitting. Sure, the deposed queen of that magical land is going to send them into some kind of kill-or-be-killed foreign war, but there's a fifty-fifty chance our government does it too. They'll learn some valuable skills, make those aforementioned friends, carry the trauma forever. And while they're gone, we can use the closets and wardrobes that they left open (and the lights left on! These kids think electricity is free!) to get rid of some stuff we don't want anymore.

Folks, if dumping nuclear waste in Narnia is wrong, then you can pay higher taxes to get rid of it. I'm charging the government a flat ten-k per barrel to chuck it through the portal, where some halflings can deal with it in their verdant, unspoiled fairyland. And if anything decides to come out, we can just kill it the way adults do: by ignoring it for several decades until it gets really bad, and then blaming each other for it. Yep, the way I see it, the political party I hate are the ones who keep releasing all those manticores. We should dump more nuclear waste in there to teach 'em a lesson.

I don’t think there’s a day where I don’t think about this conversation

i wanna talk about this shot

There are truly very few forces in the world as strong as the inertia of staying up way too late doing fuckall

Lomochrome color ‘92 Sun-kissed

guards! read me my bedtime yaoi

my favorite scene in LotR as a kid was when Sam started miserably freestyling in the tower of Cirith Ungol and the only reason he ever found Frodo was because he deliriously tried to join in

*banging on the driver side window of your Honda Civic* WHAT are your dogs pronouns