Finding Myself Doing Nothing But Reblog-ging Blogs Here On Tumblr Makes Me Question My Originality ..

i love listening to MUSIC!!!!!! and imagining things happening

My motto is “perform one good deed each day.”

-Kuronuma sawako

M.S. (via coffee-crinkled-pages)

I won’t be deleting my blogs, from last year. Lmao. Though embarrassing, i’ve decided for them to stay as they are. It has no purpose whatsoever, but i think its funny and it makes me smile so…

It’s me. I’m K

summertime sadness (every summer carries the ghosts of all the summers that precede it)

Loving is not an unfamiliar feeling for me. I have always known love, deeply. In a way that i feel as though my flesh and my bones are made out of it. Loving a person, a friend, a family, an animal or a pet, a memory, a place, things i own that I’ve grown attached to; loving them is like breathing.

Although i am aware of the pain that comes with it, the agony that comes with love.

It’s still feels peculiar and soul crushing to be experiencing it for the first time for this boy. I feel pathetic. Because i have always known the pain loving can bring, and YET, i still let this feelings go on and continue without a care of the sufferings it can bring.

I didn’t want this to end up this way. I wanted to be happy with him, to be happy while getting to know this person I’ve longed to know.

I want to do more. To love, and to be loved. To be hurt, to suffer, and to cry like there’s no tomorrow. I want to laugh, to have fun, to do goofy stuff that makes no sense but i enjoy to do so. To chat, to talk more, to gossip with my friends, my sister, and my cousins. I want to dress up and feel pretty, i want to shower to feel relieved and clean, i want to do my makeup and skincare, and to buy more makeup. With my curious mind, i wanna learn more, i have so much questions for this world that is yet to be answered. I wanna play and learn instruments. I want to discover the songs that i have never heard before because there is no doubt that one of them is waiting to be my favorite song that i’ll play everyday. There’s still a lot of books i haven’t read, films i haven’t seen, a lot more stories with characters that will fascinate me. Stories waiting for me to read.

I wanna have achievements and to have failures i’d learn from. I wanna find success, and i can’t wait for the day where i can look at my mother’s eyes and feel no shame and guilt. The shame, the guilt, for having a daughter like me. I want to give her the world, my mother, she deserves so much better.

I wanna be there for my sister, my twin, i’ll just be there until she’s ready to talk. About her problems, complaints, her happiness, everything.

I want to appreciate and to be appreciated. I want to apologize for every single horrid shit i’ve ever said and done.

Most of them all. I want to find peace.

There is so much more and i seem to be struggling to find words for everything i want.

And it’s sad, because i know to myself. That i won’t be able to experience, express, feel everything i’ve ever wanted. I know i’ll end before i got to see everything.

“Am i making you feel sick?”

It’s crazy how some of my greatest fear is always linked with the fear of rejection. Why am I always in the hunt for the validation of others? Even from the people that do not even matter to me?

I absolutely despise silent treatment with my whole being. The way I would rather getting screamed at and being called every single worst name in the book than getting silent treatments makes me physically sick. When I feel a little bit ignored, when somebody gives me the silent treatments, when i feel the annoyance in someone’s voice.. suddenly, I’m that little girl again. That little girl begging for her mother to speak to her, screaming at her face for her attention and yet still get ignored. Why, just why. Suddenly I’m that little girl again, asking myself if I should just stay quiet and be away from my “best” friend who started giving me silent treatments every time she’s in bad mood, despite knowing that it triggers my trauma. And this fear of getting silent treatments is deeply rooted into my fear of rejection, fear of abandonment.

Getting the slightest hint of abandonment and withdrawal from anybody makes me so sick to my stomach that I want to crawl onto my skin. How can this be my greatest fear. Why do I feel like a worthless sick dog that is begging their owner to not abandon her on some random town out of nowhere.

It’s crazy how I’ve deleted my social medias to avoid things that could remind me of him, and to also stop my self from frantically checking his profile from time to time. But now with only substack and medium app I have to satisfy my entertainment needs.. i still find myself looking and finding for things that could remind me of him lol