Also Damn Y’all REALLY Liked Him Huh

Keeping up with the Waynes

(Mission Report)

Bruce: So, let me get this straight. Lex Luthor was in Gotham.

Damian: Yes.

Bruce: And you found him.

Damian: Yes.

Bruce: And confronted him.

Damian: Yes.

Bruce: And you found out that he was doing experiments with Kryptonite serum on puppies?

Damian: Yes.

Bruce: So you got mad. And then?

Damian: And then I shot him in the ass five times as he ran from my sword like a coward.

Bruce: Where did you get a gun?

Jason: To be fair, that was a completely valid response to a report of tortured puppies.

Bruce: Oh.

Sketches!

Turns out, Damian can be very clingy

Yk when a cat is all affectionate one sec, and when u try to pet it again like it literally hisses and acts like it hates you? Yeah, feel like he would act like that with Tim

Yk when a cat doesn’t want you to go?

Yk when cats climb everywhere?

Yeah…

Okay hear me out. Batfamily, ugly Christmas sweater addition.

Bruce Wayne:

No doubt in my mind his children forced him into it. As soon as Dick mentioned wearing ugly sweaters on Christmas Day he found this monstrosity sitting in his closet. He chucked it out. He forgot about it. The next week it was back. He threw it out again. Two days passed. It was back. He tried shredding it, burning it, burying it in the backyard. It reappeared each time. Needless to say, it was still there on Christmas and he reluctantly wore it to the delight of everybody.

Jason Todd:

He wanted absolutely nothing to do with what Dick had planned… at first. Then he realised it was a great opportunity to piss Bruce off. Funny enough, it didn’t work as he hoped as Bruce was just happy he was there.

Tim Drake:

Wanted nothing to do with it and still wants nothing to do with it. Chose the first thing on the rack. Would’ve given Young Justice the chance to chose he sweater but he doesn’t trust them to NOT get him something horrendous.

Dick Grayson:

Planned this whole thing just to wear this monstrosity he found while doom scrolling on Instagram reels (he has adhd and is a millennial, he sure as hell isn’t on TikTok BUT dopamine go brrr). His siblings hate him. He loves it.

Damian Wayne:

This boy FOUGHT like one of those cats being forced into a costume. He clawed and begged and weaponised crying. Dick cackled at him until he had it on. He stayed on Dicks shoulders for the rest of the night. They did not talk for a month after.

He will stab anyone who brings it up.

Stephanie Brown:

Okay picture this in hot pink. She immediately locks onto some sort of meme when Dick mentions ugly sweaters. She finds this ugly ass sweater and steals Bruce’s credit card to get it.

Cassandra Cain:

Stephanie immediately calls Cass with plans. She happily agrees. She helps Steph steal Bruce’s credit card and proudly pulls Steph around to show the whole family their matching sweaters. A photo of them recreating the meme with their matching sweaters spreads around the web for at least a week.

Barbra Gordon:

Along with this sweater, Barbs places a USB stick containing a compilation of epic patrol failures in each of the Bat’s Christmas stockings. She wants to keep them on their toes (and adequately afraid of her). It is effective.

Duke Thomas:

Same vain as Steph. Instantly clocked in on memes and found this bad boy. Shows up with yellow temporary dye on his hair and old-lady sunglasses from the dollar store. Whenever he faces the slightest inconvenience he asks to speak to the manager. It becomes a bit where the manager changes each time and becomes crazier than the last.

Alfred Pennyworth:

Motherfucker would not wear a ugly sweater no matter how much the children begged. And the children did beg (Damian had to pull out the puppy dog eyes for this one). Jason was actually the fucker who made him cave pulling out all the stops, “it’s my first Christmas with everyone since I… you know.”, “it would be nice to have something special to remember it you know?”, “I remember my first Christmas in the manor. I just want to feel that happy again.”

Jason comes prepared with the sweater and Alfred knows he’s lost (but he doesn’t really seem to mind when he sees all the smiling faces on Christmas Day).

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Something something, living rent free in my mind and such, anyway I love them.

Damian giving people the nastiest reads ever for no reason at all, is so fucking funny. He's just that friend that takes it to far...

Bruce: This case at Wayne orphanage–

Damian: You know, it's disconcerting you own a building full of potential back-up Robins

Bruce:...

Stephanie: Union makes strength, Damian, we are better together

Damian: Is that why you and Tim are breaking up?

Tim:...

Bruce: I'd like you to have friends you have more in common with than killing

Damian: We have more in common than that, we all have poor relationships with our fathers too

Dick: I've been doing high-wire acts all my life, I'm the fastest in the air

Damian: You sure you're not scared of heights, Ric?

Dick: That's just mean...

Bruce: You are acting like a 10 year old heartless brat

Damian: And you were easier to look up to when you weren't around

Another one of my crack ideas of IronDad is Tony being OBSESSED with the idea of being a father, while Peter only sees him as a mentor

So things like this happen:

Tony: You still need a father for something, right?

Tony: Learn to ride a bike? swim? play baseball!? I don't know how to play baseball but- I can learn to teach you!

Peter: Mr. Stark, is there something you wanted to tell me?...

He acts exactly like a father should, he worries if he's eating right, he tells him to clean his room, teaches him how to behave at parties and takes him to places to go out with friends

He also has fatherly habits, making stupid jokes like "Hey Hunger, I'm a Dad!" shits

You know when you tell your dad that you liked some snack he bought for you and the next day he shows up with 30 packages of that snack?

Tony SOOOOOO do that!

One day the Avengers arrived home and the first thing they saw was Tony with 5 boxes of cherry soda talking to Peter like:

Tony: You said you liked that cherry soda?

Peter: YES, I LIKE IT, BUT THIS IS TOO MUCH MR. STARK!

Tony: I thought with your super metabolism this would be nothing?

Peter: THIS IS NOT THE POINT MR. STARK - wait, this is only sold at Starbucks freshly made, how did you buy this in cans!?

Tony: Oh yeah, uh, about that... I bought Starbucks, now it's StarkBucks 👍

Peter:... ANTHONY EDWARD STARK!!!!!!

*Just a few steps away*

Steve: It couldn't be more obvious

All other avengers: Yep

Rhode: And when I asked him to buy me ONE beer he said no...

Part 30! I'm with Duke ngl

Prev ~ Beginning ~ Next

Bruce once made an offhand comment about how no one wears watches anymore because they all use their phones to tell time

The next day Tim buys a smartwatch

Dick straps the hourglass he got from the dentist onto his wrist

Damian carries a bunch of candlesticks with nails in them and lights one whenever he needs a timer

Jason lugs around two industrial buckets of water to make a water clock

Steph gets an antique pocketwatch but it's carried around by a personal assistant that's coming out of Bruce's budget

Barbara buys a classroom clock and keeps it in her wheelchair pocket

Cass stands in a well-lit area and checks her shadow

Duke unearths a fifty-pound sundial and names it Duke II

Bruce no longer comments on Gen Z

Jason and Damian meeting at the league but Batfam doesn’t know Jason’s alive is one of my favourite fanfic tropes.

Dick, in his hoe era talking about getting beat tf up by some girl’s boyfriend: I genuinely thought the dude was gonna kill me! I was framed, I swear! Istg someone must’ve planted a strawberry handkerchief on me or something.

Damian, barely listing: was that an Othello reference?

Tim: how did you know that? I didn’t even catch that.

Damian: it was ja- *long pause ensues*

Tim: is his programming malfunctioning?

Dick: Ja??

Damian, brain farting: yep. “Ja”

*frantically messaging Jason saying he almost broke his cover*

—

Damian, annotating Jason’s old copies of the classics: I forgot how much of an idiot you were back then. *takes sticky note off page* “RIP queen, this is actually so depressing.” Yeah, Ophelia just died. Way to state the obvious.

Dick: ??

Damian:

Damian: I’m a medium. He-uh, talks to me.

Dick: oh okay- wait. What?

—

Damian, sneaking back into the manor after having a visit with Jason: *tip toeing his way to the stairs*

Bruce, waiting in the living room with a lamp: Damian, Where were you?

Damian, who can’t improv for shit: uh-

Bruce: *eyebrow raise*

Damian: I was kidnapped by red hood *runs upstairs*

—

Bruce, in his feels era: I wish jaylad was around to see this.

Damian, not thinking: can we not just ask him to come over?

Bruce:

Damian:

Bruce: what-

Damian: we can use a ouija board. That’s how I communicate with him.

Bruce, concerned: what???