Gatekeeping How Hot I Am By Never Taking Pics

Yep. Some people are so miserable, they wanna see others down bad just like them

That “loss” was a blessing in disguise.

at some point I wanted this right

I wanted to be a doctor

right?

“I treat myself like I would my daughter. I brush her hair, wash her laundry, tuck her in goodnight. Most importantly, I feed her. I do not punish her. I do not berate her, leave tears staining her face. I do not leave her alone. I know she deserves more. I know I deserve more.”

— Michelle K., I Know I Deserve More. (via sadlittlewords)

Dear reader,

The reason I started this blog is because I wanted to document my journey throughout medschool.The past two years in medical school have been a little difficult both in my academic and social life.

This is the truth that no one tells you about medical school.

It is not all about the aesthetic, it is not all about the title you get after graduation and it is not definietly about neglecting yourself for your education. It is a very slow, tortuous and laborious path that will examine every ounce of stregnth you have. It will push you to the breaking point and pull you back. It is a very long path that will test your mental and physical strength. I have 4 years left, as the total is seven years of study. This drains your hope of reaching your goals. As the years get longer, the obstacles you face also multiply. From peer pressure to pressure from the senior doctors, you will start questioning your decesion making skills. You will feel as if eveything you say is wrong and that you know nothing. You will feel as if you are wasting your years without amounting to nothing.

During my first two years of study, I have made decesions that have led to the deterioration of my mental and physical health. Although I haven't been clinically diagnosed, there are certain symptoms and signs that don't need a medical degree to notice. These unfavourable conditions have had negative effects on my physical health as well resulting in me over eating to cope with the stress that was prevealent in my life. The weight gain that resulted from that has led to a disorted body image where I couldn't see my self as attractive or desirable although that was far from the truth. My self confidence plummeted because I compared myself to other people, I couldn't form healthy boundaries because I felt that I would be abandoned by people if I had restrictions, I became insecure in my apperance and my clothing style which made me waste a lot of money on clothing and accessories because I wanted to fit in and I would have manic and depressive episodes which affected my sleeping pattern, apetite and memory.

I would think all this was hard on me because I was weak and undeserving of the opportunity I had. This gradually led to the development of imposter syndrome where I felt as if I wasn't enough, as if I didn't have the abilities required to be a medical student. I felt inferior to the other student with their studying and good grades. In order to escape this, I would go out to hang out with people who had questionable characters and never had second thoughts about manipulating me to get what they want. My first and half of second year of medical school went like this.

A new change started in my life when we had a minor course on the half of second year, which didn't require attendance. I stayed in my dormitory for the whole two months not even going to go out for meals. I entered a period of self reflection where I thought about the past choices I made and their effects on my present life. After an agonizing and meditative period, I did a lot of shadowwork on myself and defined my problems and their solutions. By the time the course was over, I was already adapted to my new mindset. This solved my social and personal problems and only the academical problems remained.

I didn't know how to study. That was the truth. I was a gifted overachiever in my highschool years. I didn't need to have long and intensive study sessions to understand the materials. Hence, I had no clue on how to do structured studying sessions. I reserached studying methods and tried them out sacrificing my grades in the process. I am still experimenting but I am confident that I am doing better than before.

I also decided to be open to the relationship aspect. Before, I didn't feel as if men were to be trusted and only had physical attachments that didn't pass the kissing stage. Currently, I have a boyfriend that is caring, academically gifted and amazing. Although he will be leaving after 6 months as he is in his internship year of medical school, I consider this a good experience in the dating department and I hope our relationship continues outside medical school.

I have also refined my social circle. I am only friends with people that have a healthy perception of what friendship is. I enjoy their company and do not feel like an outsider or feel awkward with them.

My advice is to remember who you are, to be yourself and to know your principles and routines. These have helped me on my journey to a better medical school life.

Join me on my journey through medical school. 😊

Today, we were supposed to learn about clinical presentations of hematologic disorders. The teacher came in, looked at us and told us he was not going to teach that. We were really confused until he opened a slide labelled clinical reasoning. He then explained that as 4th year medical students 7th week into our internal medicine attachment, we were not ecxpected to know a lot.

"Just the principles," he said. He also told us the feeling of inadequecy and lack of knowledge we feel when our peers answered a question we were struggling to grasp or find the answers for was completely normal. "It's because they read a section you haven't read, there might be sections you read they haven't. Think of it that way."

The fact that he said that quelled my imposter syndome just a little. I felt as if I knew nothing when my classmates answered real head-scratcher questions on bedsides, rounds and classes. And that feeling had affected my study sessions because they made me feel it wouldn't bring any change in my knowledge and I wasn't smart enough for medical school. Maybe these things were also felt by them no matter how much I thought they were confident in their knowledge.

Anyways, he taught us how to take history, do a focused physical examination and form our diagnosis based on the pertinent information from that.

I only wish that we learned this at the start of the attachment because it would've been a great help back then.

For the first time in such a long time, I felt confident in myself today.🥰

We had OSPE (Objective structured Practical Examination) and skill laboratory exams today, and I left the exam halls feeling as if I crushed them both. I was right about one of them, and I am waiting for the results of the second one.

Feeling confident doing these exams reminded me of the feeling of excelling in exams. The rush was something I really missed. Honestly, it gave more motivation to study for my finals, which are in 3 days. I'm hoping to keep this motivation until the end.

In a completely unrelated topic, my boyfriend has broken up with me. The excuse he used was that he didn't have much time to be dating and that he needed the time for other things. Am I disappointed? Definietly. But, I am not going to brood over it and work on myself to be better. This was the last chance I was willing to give to having a relationship in medical school, and that's done for 😅

The general takeaway from this is, "Don't date in medical school." 😂

How to figure out the lesson in situations:

1. Identity the pattern. Think about the situations and people who have made you feel this way or brought you a specific outcome.

Are these relationships leaving you feeling the same way (undervalued, overwhelmed, or hurt)?

What character traits are you seeing (unavailability, neediness, or dishonesty)? Are you choosing people because of specific character traits (they don’t have to feel inherently negative to you)?

2. Think about your reactions to all of those things. Do you tolerate bad behavior hoping it will change? Do you avoid confrontation or fail to set boundaries? Do you feel like a victim or powerless?

3. Figure out what you are avoiding. Typically the lessons come from the things we resist. Are you avoiding self respect by settling for less? Are you ignoring red flags for fear of being alone?

4. Think about how your choices or beliefs contribute to these outcomes.

For example:

Do you over-give to earn approval?

Do you ignore your intuition to avoid conflict?

5. Ask yourself:

What can this situation teach me about self worth, boundaries, or communication?

How can I grow emotionally, mentally, or spiritually?

6. Practice the lesson actively:

If the lesson is about self worth, say no to people who devalue you.

If it’s about boundaries, start expressing your needs clearly.

You’ll know you’ve learned the lesson when similar situations arise and you respond differently, breaking the cycle.

*There is always a lesson to be learned (aside from the fact that the other person is probably a horrible human being) 😚 Don’t be stubborn about it and think you’re a perfect person. It doesn’t make you less perfect, or dumb, or deserving of how people treated you. The point is for you to grow, evolve and make sure it never happens again.

living in the age of social media makes us crave instant results, gratification and stimulation. we’re constantly racing against the clock instead of letting things flow. this makes it difficult to stay motivated on long term goals or have the patience to see it through. but despite the distractions, continue to believe in yourself and persist in your goals. everything comes when it’s ready.