This Is One Of The Funniest Things I've Found On Tumblr And I've Seen Some Shit

Ash is to Ash what Dust is to Dust

a spark is to an ember what “I’m trying to lose weight to feel good about how I look” is to “I’m planning out my life to try not to look like you”

a knife is to a blade what “I’m concerned about the obesity epidemic” is to “I wish I could solve the problem of your body” is to “I see your body as diseased because it’s not like mine”

an injury is to a wound what “I’m so bad for skipping the gym” is to “I’m being so good for ordering a salad” is to “Health is a moral obligation” is to “You’re failing if you have a disability”

a ghost is to a phantom what “Processed foods are so bad for you” is to “You should feel guilty for eating what you can afford”

REMEMEBER IF HARD WATER IS CAUSING CALCIUM BUILDUP IN YOUR BONG, JUST LET SOME WHITE VINEGAR SIT IN THAT THING FOR A FEW MINUTES AND SHE'LL BE LOOKIN BRAND NEW. JUST DONT SMOKE WEED WOTH THE VINEGAR INSIDE PLEASE

remember congrats on the ethnostate

hi! i’m god. from bible. why are you doing that

dropping food when you're already sad is such an intense emotion. Just the most fucking wretched self indulgent pity. One time I spilled a bowl of ice cream when i had already spent most of the day sobbing and honestly im still chasing that high

“i want a goth dommy mommy” women feel unsafe around you

having a cat is great. there's a small little animal wandering around. effervescent

i am so absolutely utterly scared that my insane grandfather in his 80s who runs miles every morning is going to leave me a bird in his will and i am especially scared he is going to leave me a large cockatoo named "captain hook". hook has been trying to make me his child bride since i was like 6 years old and every time i see him again which has only been a couple times with decades in between hook is like "you. it's always been you. ever since you were born i've known we were meant to be" captain hook you are a bird and i am a LESBIAN and i don't WANT an eternal sentinel captain HOOK!!!!!!!