And Finally: No One, Absolutely No One, Is Doing It Like Peeta “look At The Shape You’re In” Mellark

if the only thing you can vividly remember about what love feels like is just that it hurts, you start welcoming pain. chasing it, even.

right, Jinx?

right, Ekko?

*

after she slaps him to get him away, or else she'd jinx him, she never really looks at him. sweeps her gaze across him like a paintbrush, taunts, cocks her head on one side, feigning contemplation, fires at him (or does she, really?), fights him, follows him, spies on him, yet never looks at him.

not really.

not until the bridge.

not until she's sure she is going to die and the acid of vulnerability will never eat away her flesh in front of him, exposing how much she wanted to go back, back, back to where his hands were warm and gentle, just as his eyes.

she knows that for one glorious, excruciating moment, he sees her through. all that longing, pain, guilt, and exhaustion.

of course, he sees her.

of course, she doesn't die after. she is Jinx, after all.

she hates herself Ekko for that.

*

after she slaps him, something fractures in him, and he sucks in a breath, feeling how jagged edges of his broken heart pierce his lungs. she doesn't need him. Powder died, she said it herself, and Ekko repeats to himself, "Powder's dead, Powder's dead, dead." he says it to everyone, to the Firelights, to Scar, to Vi, who got back from the dead.

he looks at her anyway. he looks for her anyway.

eyes blue and mad, braids like snakes, clouds shifting along with her muscles. it's only to anticipate her attacks, he says, clutching his weapon with a sweaty hand.

the chasm in his chest throbs, mocking him.

he fails every time.

every time, until the bridge.

he feels the skin on his face tug as he smirks, his head buzzes, as do his hands, his legs, his stupid heart, hurting, squeezing, somewhere far away from his consciousness, hidden under layers and layers of old scars.

he looks at her and readies himself to throw a final punch and to finally make Jinx disappear so that he can, after all these years, bury his best friend.

and then he sees her. and his heart tugs, and he can't breathe - why is she looking at him like Powder did? why would she do that to him? -

he lowers his fist. doesn't relax his stupid hand that wants to wipe off the blood under her nose. it hurts so familiar, it's almost good.

of course, she decides to die right away.

of course, she steals it from him. she is Jinx, after all.

he misses hates her more for that.

oh my heart

everything, everywhere, all at once

"My nightmares are usually about losing you. I'm okay once I realize you're here" - Peeta, Cathing Fire

It's them.

I love that in Catching fire Katniss comes to the conclusion the other tributes are trying to keep Peeta alive because they must see how amazingly perfectly wonderful he is. When in actuality that’s just her having a crush and everyone else recognizing that if Peeta gets hurt Katniss will go fully feral and unhinged and probably try to kill everyone and then herself.

and many graces. the hunger games, m, peeta/katniss. (2 / 3). 18k.

On screen, a dead version of him kisses Katniss on the forehead, looking at her with such gentleness that he can almost feel it in his chest. “We tried to take care of each other,” he says, softly. “Sometimes.” “Sometimes,” Haymitch echoes. “When you weren’t trying to kill each other.”

What Peeta holds onto when he loses everything else, and what he finds after. (Or: Peeta hijacked, Peeta rescued, Peeta recovered.)

make no mistake, I am well aware I am projecting onto both Ekko and Jinx like hell, I know...

and yet.

can't stop thinking about them.

like, imagine how he would cope with her loss. it's not that hard, there are some truly amazing fanfiction works that are exploring that topic, I am just offering you my spin, my musings that I keep leaving here instead of sitting down and writing my own fanfic.

how would he cope?

first, of course, comes the shock. just... an exhale, his chest caving in, hands trembling, tears ready to spill onto his cheeks —

and then - slam! — an imaginary metal wall drops down on him, cutting all feelings off, as if they are buzzing behind it, but Ekko can't access them anymore.

he needs to work. do something, solve something, save her someone, at least...

so he works.

there goes denial. there was no body, she may be alive, there was no body, so maybe she didn't suffer long when she died. he is fine, he is fine, he is fine, there is so much to do in Zaun, clearing out the streets, cleaning, burying, mourning, treating the injured, supporting others, overseeing the works, playing with kids, designing, inventing, building — he is freaking fine, there was no body found, so he's fine, he has no time to stop, he'll rest later, later because there's not anyone he can truly share the load with...

of course, they fucking took her from him.

of course, she fucking left. left Vi, left Sevika, damn her, left him.

she fucking left him.

alone.

to fend for himself — and everyone and everything else.

she stayed, she fought alongside him, she tinkered, ate, slept next to him — and still fucking left him!

alone!

again!

— so there comes anger

and makes everything even worse.

[tbc.]

okay ive thought about it and now I can't avoid wanting to just sit down and write these two fanfics where Jinx just wants Ekko to look at her, and Ekko wants her to touch him

nothing explicit, sadly, because I am unable to write it

but yeah, they both yearn af, and neither of them likes it

gonna be a wild ride

i thought you would pretend you don’t know me or something. i’m not drunk. no? no.