Every Single Fic Update There Is An Author Trying Frantically To Find The Right Balance Between A Nonchalant

Every single fic update there is an author trying frantically to find the right balance between a nonchalant aside of "leave a comment if you enjoyed =)" and clinging desperately to the coat tails of a random stranger, dragging along behind them on the street wailing "Please, please! I have to know what you thought! I'm desperate to talk to people about this! Ask me about the alliterative repetition! Ask me about the symbolism!"

it's been repeating over and over again; the ending that came before my eyes

GENRE: gen, tua au, angst, hurt/comfort

SUMMARY: Renjun is thirteen when the world ends around him. He's seventeen when he tries to save it. Title from 그냥 괴물을 살려두면 안 되는 걸까 (Can’t We Just Leave The Monster Alive?) by TXT

WARNINGS: temporary character death, apocalypse, child abuse, child neglect, grief, alcoholism, underage drinking, minor emetophobia

Chapter 2

Jeno’s week starts with his dad dying. It doesn’t get better from there. He gets the call at three a.m. on Sunday. His first coherent thought of the day is, ‘Oh God, I hope Chenle didn’t finally snap and kill the man.’ Their mom is who calls, as distant and robotic but polite as always, starting the call by asking how Jeno’s day is going.

“Mom…It’s three a.m. I was asleep,” he groggily explains.

His mom hums in confusion. “Asleep in the morning?” She questions and then moves on before Jeno can respond. “I’m afraid I have bad news sweetie. Your father has passed away.” Her tone is still light and airy as though she isn’t delivering life-changing news to her son.

Jeno’s world ends for a moment.

Jeno’s dad, even now that Jeno is almost an adult who doesn’t even live with him, has more control over Jeno’s life than he should. He’d made him into the leader against Jeno’s will, always blaming his siblings' failures on him, and pitting his children against each other from a young age.

His father treated Jeno like a semi-successful science experiment. Jeno wasn’t like Jaemin or Renjun who would buck up against their dad in argument, but he wasn’t like Mark who would destroy himself for their father either.

Jeno was just Jeno. Not the best soldier but a good one. Not the best leader but a protective one. Not the best brother but a loving one.

He comes back to himself to his mother’s gentle voice in his ear. “Jeno-ah, are you still there?” He swallows painfully. The man who ruined his life is dead. His father is dead.

“Yeah Mom; I’m here. What happened?” His mom pauses and hums a little.

“What happened with what, dear?” Jeno winces. Their mother has seemed like her hardware is degrading for a few years now, but Jeno does not live with her and hasn’t in years. It’s easy to ignore when it’s not in his face. Listening to her fail to have a conversation makes him note to bring it up to Jaemin.

“What happened to Dad?” His tone is more patient than he really feels.

“Oh, your father…he had a heart attack. He passed in his sleep about an hour ago. I’m calling you because he wanted you to come back and deal with his funeral.” Jeno takes a moment to silently cuss his dad out in his head and be thankful Chenle hadn’t committed murder.

“Okay, Mom. I’ll be over in about an hour after I get Jaemin and Donghyuck up. How are Chenle and Jisung holding up?” He truthfully cares much more about how his brothers are feeling than he does that his dad is dead.

“Holding up with what?” Jeno inhales for four counts and exhales for five. Mark had taught him the trick after he’d bitten his tongue so bad he’d made it bleed trying to ignore Donghyuck and Jaemin fighting for the nth time as kids.

“How are Chenle and Jisung doing with Dad’s death?” His voice is notably more strained than it was a few minutes ago, but his mom doesn’t notice.

“Oh, they don’t know yet. I’m not sure where they are…Your father wanted you to inform them as the leader.” Jeno fervently hopes his brothers are both still asleep, and then finally thanks his mom and hangs up. He takes a moment to get himself together before going to his brothers. His hands are shaking. He tries to ignore it.

He decides to wake up Jaemin first. He opens his brother’s door and blinks at the mess. His brothers’ closet seems to have exploded on his bedroom floor. Jeno hesitantly steps over the piles of Jaemin’s close and sighs as he gets a good look at his brother.

There are bags under Jaemin’s eyes, and he’d fallen asleep with his phone in his hand. He’d had a late shift at the gas station and only gotten home around two hours ago. Jeno really hates having to wake him up, but it can’t be helped.

He shoves his brother lightly and flinches as Jaemin bolts upright with his fists clenched. Jeno is just grateful he didn’t punch him this time. “What the fuck?” Jaemin croaks. Jeno grimaces.

“Dad’s dead. We need to be back at the house to plan the funeral. You have an hour.” Jaemin blinks incredulously at him, but Jeno has already started walking to the door. He mentally prepares himself for the hell that is Donghyuck’s room.

It’s still worse than he expects. The brothers all respect their individual spaces well enough, but people still go into Jaemin and Jeno’s rooms. No one goes into Donghyuck’s.

The first thing Jeno does in Donghyuck’s room is knock over his stack of tarot cards that subtly get righted before they can topple to the floor. “Thank you, hyung,” he murmurs on his way to Donghyuck’s bed. The boy somehow looks even worse than Jaemin does. His hands are splayed out with the tattoos Mark had pitched a fit about on clear display. His eyeliner is smeared around his eyes like he’s been crying again, he smells like a bar, and he fell asleep in the clothes he usually wears to parties. All in all, he looks like a disaster.

Jeno tries to think about the best way to wake him up. Last time he’d woken his brother up quietly Donghyuck had briefly mistook him as Mark, and they’d both cried. Last time he woke him up loudly Donghyuck had a panic attack.

In the end, he steals Jaemin’s signature move. He annoys him into wakefulness. First, he steals his brother's comforter and then dumps it onto his face before removing it again. Donghyuck starts groaning and Jeno briefly celebrates his success before stealing the blanket Donghyuck is clutching. Donghyuck yanks on it and turns over in his quest to keep it, but Jeno plays dirty and uses his super strength so Donghyuck’s blanket is in his arms soon enough. He keeps going until Donghyuck is left shivering on his bed.

“Jeno. I’m going to kill you,” he promises into his mattress. Jeno hesitates to tell Donghyuck why he woke him up. Donghyuck is the reason they don’t live with their father anymore; why Jaemin rumored their father into letting them move out at fifteen.

He still deserves to know their father is dead. “We need to go back the manner. Dad is…He died an hour ago.” Donghyuck freezes. The blankets that were folding themselves in the background freeze.

“Don’t fucking joke about that,” Donghyuck warns. Jeno frowns, rightfully offended.

“You know I wouldn’t joke about something like this. Mom called me like fifteen minutes ago.” Jeno’s tone isn’t harsh, but his face must show his displeasure because Donghyuck looks guilty.

“You’re right. You’re right; I’m sorry. So…the bastard is finally dead, huh? All it took was him killing two of us.” Donghyuck raises his hands to his face to hide the tears building in his eyes.

Jeno hesitates for a moment, but he has to ask. “You’ve still…You’ve still never seen Renjun right?” Donghyuck shakes his head.

“No. Neither has Mark hyung. We’ve checked but…” But if he moved on before Donghyuck found him they’ll never know. Jeno swallows bile.

“Okay, sorry to ask. Can you get ready in about an hour? Chenle and Jisung don’t know yet, and I want to tell them as soon as I can.” Jeno starts biting his nails as he waits for Donghyuck's response.

“Wait, they don’t know? Why didn’t Mom tell them?” His brother has started getting up and grabbing clothes to stuff into a suitcase as he talks.

“She’s not…she’s not doing too well. She couldn’t follow our conversation at all.” Donghyuck has always been closer to their mother than Jeno himself which shows as he pauses to swallow harshly.

“Oh…okay. I’ll be out soon, leader. Go pack your own shit.” He’s joking, but Jeno is too nice to point out how badly it falls flat. Instead, he nods and does as told.

He decides to forgo a shower and instead just dumps all of his toiletries into the top of his suitcase. He thinks it’s probably for the best when he walks into the living room and sees Donghyuck in last night's makeup and Jaemin in the clothes he wore to work.

They look like a mess.

“Ready to go bury our dad?” Jaemin asks drily. Jeno doesn’t dignify him with a response.

☂︎☂︎☂︎

In a series of incredibly bad decisions Donghyuck drives them. They live about ten minutes from the manor they grew up in, still too close for Donghyuck and too far for Jaemin, but they make it in five. Jaemin’s so nauseous after the trip his brothers have to half-carry him into the house. Their mom opens the door after they ring the doorbell and smiles in confusion when she sees them.

“Hi, babies. Why are you here?” Jeno winces.

“You called me an hour ago Mom. We’re here about Dad.” Their mom’s face doesn’t change, and they all sigh deciding to just walk in without trying to make her understand.

“Should we just wait for the kids to wake up on their own?” Jaemin wonders, but Donghyuck shakes his head.

“That would piss them off,” he advises, and Jaemin frowns and nods.

“Okay, in that case, I’m going to make breakfast.” Jeno and Donghyuck grimace at each other behind Jaemin’s back. Jeno gains five pounds every time Jaemin is stressed out. Sure enough, he sighs as he sees his brother start preparing a meal more fit for fifteen than five.

“I’ll go tell them. Do you want to come with me?” Jeno subtly begs for help with his eyes, but Donghyuck expertly ignores it.

“I’m going to raid Dad’s office and also his bar,” he announces. Jeno has half a mind to stop him but knows realistically it would help none. Instead, he heads to Chenle’s room.

As expected it’s empty. He figured it was best to at least check first. He checks Jisung’s room next and snorts as he sees his brothers. They must’ve been up playing games because Chenle’s 3DS is lying open on a Mario level. Jeno quietly picks it up, saves the game, and turns the console off before trying to figure out which brother to wake up first. Jisung’s arm is splayed across Chenle’s face obstructing his breathing, and Chenle’s foot is in Jisung’s ribs. They look extremely uncomfortable.

He decides to shove Chenle so he knocks into Jisung which successfully wakes his siblings up. Chenle spends a good minute cursing so badly their dad would’ve had his mouth washed out with soap before noticing Jeno.

“Hyung?” He questions while rubbing his eyes as if to double-check check his brother is actually there in the room.

“Hey, Chenle. I have some…news. When Jisung is up I’ll tell you,” Jeno promises. Jisung, in response to hearing his name, groans and rolls over. Chenle snickers and starts shoving him and poking him until he sits up to glare at them both.

“What?” He grounds out.

“Mom called me at about three a.m. to tell me Dad passed away,” Jeno explains quietly. Jisung pales, and Chenle’s eyes grow wide.

“You’re fucking kidding,” Chenle protests, but Jeno shakes his head.

“Swear on my life,” he does the stupid swear they made up as kids just to prove it. Chenle stumbles out of bed and ignores his brothers calling after him. Jeno winces as he hears retching.

Jisung buries his head in his hands and slowly starts hiccupping. Jeno walks over and lays a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Do you want me to stay with you for a bit?” He questions, but Jisung shakes his head.

“No, I’d rather be alone. Thank you though.” Jeno ruffles Jisung’s hair and stands up to leave.

“Jaemin’s making breakfast in the kitchen whenever you guys are ready.” He winces as he hears Chenle retch again.

“Uh, yeah. We’ll come out soon, hyung,” Jisung says unconvincingly.

☂︎ ☂︎☂︎

Jeno has to pause to stare in shock at the sheer volume of food decorating the kitchen when he walks back in. Jaemin is somehow still cooking. Jeno takes a moment to curse Donghyuck for leaving him alone with this mess.

“Hey, Jaemin…Thank you for cooking for all of us. It’ll be a great help throughout the week, but I think this is enough. We don’t want it to spoil.” Jaemin stirs more aggressively at Jeno’s words.

“Well, I figure now that Dad is dead Chenle and Jisung will finally move in with us, and this way we’ll have enough food for all of us,” he says tersely. Jeno sighs.

“I want them to move in too believe me…but don’t get mad if they don’t okay?” One of the worst fights the siblings had ever had was when Chenle and Jisung had refused to move out with the others.

Donghyuck couldn’t stay any longer, and his brothers wouldn’t abandon him; Chenle and Jisung hadn’t wanted to force their fifteen-year-old siblings to raise them.

Jaemin was so desperate he tried to rumor them to come with everyone. Chenle had thrown a knife and damaged his vocal cords so badly that he couldn’t speak for six months.

In the end, Donghyuck, Jaemin, and Jeno had moved out, and Chenle and Jisung had stayed behind. Jeno really doesn’t want to repeat that fight. The spoon Jaemin is holding bends from the force of his grip.

Just then Donghyuck crashes, literally, into the kitchen with at least three bottles of vodka in his hands and horrifically drunk.

“Hyuck, it is…barely five in the morning,” Jeno says long-suffering.

“You sound like Mark hyung,” Donghyuck says in annoyance because he’s too drunk to realize the effect that will have. Jeno’s face loses its color, and Jaemin turns to slap him upside the head.

“Donghyuck!” Jaemin scolds. “Go drink some water and sober up a bit. After you finish a glass come eat so you can actually act like a human being.” Donghyuck slouches miserably over the kitchen island but does as told.

He’s quiet as he sobers up before saying, “I’m sorry, Jeno. That was uncalled for.” Jeno sighs quietly. Donghyuck used to get into giant fights with Mark (and if the one-sided screaming Jeno occasionally hears is any indication still does) about his drinking.

Before Mark died the others were more willing to look the other way and trust the eldest to handle it, but after he passed Jeno started trying to take the role of getting his brother sober. Today wasn’t the first time Donghyuck had thrown that particular line in his face and it wouldn’t be the last, but it still hurt.

Jeno drags a hand down his face. “It’s fine Donghyuck. Eat your Bugeoguk; Jaemin made it just for you because he knows you have a hangover.” Donghyuck nods and focuses on his soup.

Eventually, both Chenle and Jisung get down the stairs and slump on the island with the other siblings. Jisung starts on his eggs immediately, but Chenle won’t eat which causes Jaemin to fuss over him for at least five minutes. Chenle bears it with all the grace of a teenage boy which is to say none at all.

“At least eat some rice,” Jaemin pleads, and only then does Chenle relent. Privately Jeno figures it’s likely because Chenle is afraid Jaemin will rumor him even though the other boy never would.

Jaemin rarely uses his powers anymore.

As a kid, he liked them well enough constantly getting his siblings to give him their cookies and convincing their dad to let him leave the house, but as he became a teenager he used it less and less. After Chenle had damaged his vocal chords he’d pretty much retired his powers unless the circumstances called for it.

Donghyuck, finally mostly sober, groans into his soup. “What’s our plans with Dad? I don’t want him buried near Mark hyung.” As if in response a paper towel starts roughly cleaning a long-suffering Donghyuck’s face

“We could cremate him? We also probably need to call the authorities.” Jaemin offers from where he’s aggressively started doing the dishes. Jeno walks over and takes over by aggressively shoving a plate into his brother’s hand and settling him at the kitchen island with their little brothers.

Jaemin pouts but doesn’t protest.

Chenle hums. “Fuck you’re right; I’ll call in a minute. Also doesn’t cremation take a while?” He talks with his mouth full and is then subject to the same aggressive face-cleaning Donghyuck had to endure. He bears it with much less grace.

“Are you sure Chenle? We can handle it. And you’re right it can, but…” Donghyuck stares at Jaemin who sets his chopsticks down and sighs. Jeno pauses from where he’s scrubbing a particularly dirty plate.

Chenle looks up at the silence and grimaces at the awkward eye contact between his brothers. “I’m going to go call the authorities,” he announces as he slips off his stool and out the door.

Jaemin finally responds to Donghyuck’s words. “Okay, we’ll get him cremated. Does anyone want to come with Jeno and I?” Jeno doesn’t protest his inclusion. Donghyuck frowns and makes eye contact with Jisung.

“We’ll stay here if that’s okay?” Jisung questions. Jaemin smiles at him, a bit fake but still fond, and tugs on his cheeks while cooing.

“Of course, it’s okay Jisungie,” he says in a pitch so much higher than his normal register it makes Jeno’s ears ring a bit.

“Okay, we’ll head out after we deal with the authorities. I’m going to try to finish the dishes before they get here,” Jeno promises. Donghyuck tilts his head as he listens to something none of the others can hear.

“Mark hyung says he’ll clean up. Go ahead and get prepared for the cops.” Donghyuck waves his hand as if to physically wake them off, but Jeno hesitates.

“Are you…sure? I don’t mind cleaning.” He feels bad making Mark, who didn’t make the mess or eat the meal, clean up. Donghyuck grimaces.

“I’m sure.” Jeno believes him. Once when Mark was off doing whatever he did when he wasn’t hanging around Donghyuck the boy had confessed Mark felt afloat and like he’d lost his purpose. Mark had taken care of them for as long as Jeno could remember, and he suddenly no longer could. Donghyuck had asked Jeno and Jaemin to let Mark take care of the little things he still could like making their bed or doing the dishes.

Jeno nods at Donghyuck and says, “Thank you, hyung.” Jaemin stands up and cracks his back so loudly that Jeno winces. “I’m going to wash my face” he declares. Jeno nods him.

Donghyuck calls out, “Do you need a makeup wipe?”, but Jaemin waves him off. Jisung also gets up and quietly sets his plate in the sink before ducking out of the room. Jeno and Donghyuck grimace at each other.

“What a fucking morning,” Donghyuck grumbles as he slumps back over the island.

Luckily handling the police doesn’t take long. Their dad was old and had documented heart problems so it’s a pretty clear-cut case. Soon enough Jaemin and Jeno are heading out to the crematorium. They’d ask their other siblings if they’d like to go but been turned down.

Jaemin had demanded Jeno drive, and Jeno had let him. Jaemin will be too unsettled after they leave to drive anyway. Jeno drives better than Donghyuck which is basically just not heinously breaking road laws, but Jaemin is still nauseous when they get there.

At this point, Jeno will consider the day a win if Jaemin doesn’t puke in the car. They walk into the crematorium together and grimace at the receptionist halfway asleep at the desk. Jaemin doesn’t waste any time.

“I heard a rumor,” he starts, his voice as strong as it was when he was The Rumor, “that you cremate our father immediately.” The man’s eyes cloud over and he gets up to change the order of the cremations. Jaemin slumps in the chair as they wait. Jeno tries to pass the time playing games on his phone. Jaemin just tucks his knees to his chest and ignores the world.

Time passes by in a stony silence. Eventually, an employee walks out. He squints at them suspiciously, likely knowing the rearranging of the cremation times is their fault, but he still holds the urn out to them.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” he says firmly. Jeno swallows thickly and holds their dad’s ashes tightly.

“Thank you,” he murmurs tersely. Jaemin’s legs shake as they get up, but he walks to the car on his own.

“Ready for the funeral?” He asks drily. Jeno sighs and starts to drive back to the manor.