moonsquaremars

Latest Posts by moonsquaremars

Joy Sullivan, from “Culpable”, Instructions for Traveling West

Joy Sullivan, from “Culpable”, Instructions for Traveling West

Blue Utramarine   -   Magi Puig,  2004.

Catalan, b.1966 -

Oil on canvas,

Frederiksgårds Skole (1949-52) in Copenhagen, Denmark, by Frits Schlegel

♇ Thoughts on P L U T O ♇

I just woke up from a dream about an old boyfriend. We haven't spoke in five years. It had a very intense & dramatic ending. I lost nearly 25 pounds following the breakup, because I started new psych meds that had bad side effects, and I was so depressed I basically was letting myself wither away.

I just looked at our Composite Chart. Turns out we have Pluto in the 7th House. The house of Libra, the house of Relationships, Marriage. I believe it also rules the courts. Libra is about balance, finding resolution in relating to others. The 7th house is the start of the 'external' energy in the zodiac wheel. The first 6 houses are internal, about the individual. Then, the energy starts to look outwards. How you fit into society, the world, at large.

Looking back at our chart, it makes sense. Seeing Pluto there, he taught me a lot about what is appropriate in social relationships. In a very intense way that I won't get into. But I sure learned my lesson. Painfully so.

My Natal Pluto is in my 5th House. This is said to make one obsessively pursue art, or self expression. The 5th house also rules recreation like sports, but also your posterity/children. I do obsessively try to 'create' content to post online. Graphics, photography, poems, blog posts.

Perhaps Pluto shows where you will learn your strongest or most intense lessons.

Here's our composite chart. The fact the Sun was in the 5th house makes sense. I have Pluto there. I always had a vision of me gardening when I thought of him. Our composite sun is in Virgo. Gardening is so virgo.

Seeing the end of our relationship, and that we haven't spoke in 5 years. The Venus opposite Sun makes sense. He was also very nurturing towards me and helped take care of me. Moon in 4th. He was successful and helped me be stable and go to work and stuff. Jupiter in 10th. Jupiter is expansion and fortune, 10th house is house of career and profession.

Neptune in 9th and Uranus in 8th make sense too. We both shared mystical ideas and had a lot of mystical experiences. I suppose the Saturn and Pluto placements show the lessons he taught me. Our relationship taught me. Over personal property, home life, and relating to others in society.

真的有意思…

my job involves speaking chinese to actual important biznizz people and whilst in my waking hours I am mid but acceptable at work and in meetings, in my dreaming hours my subconscious serves up nightly dreams in which I am forced to orate classically for hours in front of my boss as if I am second in line for the throne and arguing that my elder brother's proposition to accept tax predominantly in copper instead of grain disproportionately hurts smaller farmers, 父皇之宽容，天下皆知，儿臣恳请父皇三思啊！and then when I wake up it's back to this situation is. uhh. difficult. and there are many angles

Gerhard Richter, Clouds, 1978

Joy Sullivan, “Before”, Instructions for Traveling West

ERIN VEST All The Horses Of Iceland

Hard drugs. Hard problems.

Functional + Generational Addiction are hard. Why me, God? Wasn't being gay in the South enough? I didn't fall into the stereotypes. I wasn't a drug addict cliché. No one ever said anything. Why didn't anyone ever say anything?

Kyle. I can see that you are a little fucked up. Or, you look like you had a long night. No one ever said a thing. It turns out because they didn't actually know. Not always. Not even the times I was so sure they did.

222

"a long and difficult cycle will soon be over". That was the tarot card I pulled. It had the moon sign of what the moon would be in on my birthday last year. I saw 222 constantly while I was getting sober.

Well, soberish. Sober-adjacent. Or just drug addict in denial.

But no offense, if you can't tell if I have used, it makes it less desirable to quit. I know the health problems. I know it makes me a bad person. But so did being gay. So why should I care who thinks I'm a bad person or not. I still do though. And it ate me alive for years.

The inner turmoil was the worst of it, come to find out.

Leaving every social interaction wondering if they could tell. If they knew. It started to overshadow everything. Every moment of my day. It was always in the back of my mind. That I had done meth. That I was technically on meth. We all know the stereotypes. But I went to work. I went to school. I paid my bills. I got good grades. I took showers, brushed my teeth. I went to dinners, events, funerals, birthday parties. No one ever said anything. No one ever asked.

But I would read their faces. Their expressions. Any sign or glimpse that they knew my dirty little secret. Any hunch that I was exposed, and that they knew. Oh how terrible it would feel. To be just a dirty drug addict. It truly was Hell. Even worse than being gay.

"There are no secrets!"

I blurt out at the dinner table. We are at my Great Aunt Linda's, in Somerset, Kentucky, for our annual family holiday get together. My cousin Brenda gives me a look I've never seen before. She looks at me like I'm an absolute lunatic. Like I just cut off the cat's head and am growling maniacally while its corpse drips blood from my jaw.

Only, that wasn't quite the case. In fact, I don't think anything I did or said deserved this kind of reaction. You see, I was 19 years old, and it was the year after my first year of college. My father and I had gotten into a nasty fight, but we hadn't discussed it yet. I said something to him about it in front of the whole family. Bad timing, I guess.

But in my mind, if in heaven or the afterlife, everything would be known -- why lie or try to cover things up in the present?

Welcome to the world of the 1 2 t h H a u s

The watery, elusive ocean. Where the ego, the self, individuality, becomes a mere drop in a vast sea. And the certain, reliable structures and fortitudes of material reality dissolve into a schizoaffective mod-podge of reality.

In astrology, the 12th house represents the end of the karmic zodiac wheel. It starts with Aries and the 1st house, then travels all the way around, till you end up with Pisces & the 12th. It rules over areas of life such as prisons, insane asylums, monestaries, rehabs, psych wards. Who wouldn't want to have their Sun sign there? Or Moon?

As you may be aware, the 12th house doesn't have the greatest of reputations. Planets here are elusive, hidden, not easily accessed. Like a monk, far away on a foggy, hilly terrain. With no cell phone or 2023 MacBook Air. Or a prisoner who lost his mind and is locked away for the rest of their life. Geez. At least something beautiful I heard about prisons and the 12th house, is that spiritually speaking, prisons and institutions are meant to save you from yourself.

Meaning, you can't harm others and create more karma for yourself when you're locked up. In practice though.... Prisons are pretty violent. But I've never been to prison. I have, however, been in and out of the psych ward for much of the beginning of my adult life.

It was mostly because of suicidal depression. Enter nervous breakdown from the immense pressure of being away from home in a small town for my first year of college. Being gay. Working class. It was a mess. What I thought would be an easy four year finish with a high paying job waiting for me, turned into a dead end. Nervous breakdown, bipolar diagnosis, joined a strange new religion (Hi Mormons <3) I took the Spring semester off after a week-long stint in the local psych ward. It would've been shorter, had they believed me about my throat hurting. I had tonsolitis.

Well, in my time away from school, I realized how s p i r i t u a l I was. I wanted to find the meaning of life. The right path. I researched and found that most religions didn't support homosexuality. Which sucked, because I was already out and had a boyfriend in high school. But I was raised by a paranoidly religious father in the Southern Baptist faith, and I had a fear of going to Hell. I also had a lot of toxic masculinity ideals internalized.

Eventually, I join the Mormon Church, but realize even among other church members, I was different. For instance, one afternoon on my porch at my Grandmas in Kentucky, I was praying/meditating -- all of a sudden, I just felt so transcendentally connected to the land. I imagined Native Americans on the hills by my house. It was an odd feeling. Dimensional.

At Church, I could see auras and glowing light emanating from other members, when they went up to the podium to bear their testimony. I found out later there was another kid in church who could see the same golden light. Most people didn't, though.

I would later read that people with Saturn in 9th house individuals are drawn to conservative religions such as Judaism, Catholicism, and Mormonism. I laughed and put the book down after I read that. The LDS Church was so important to me from 18-21. I was devastated when I had to choose being authentic to myself as a gay man over my religion. I really lost meaning and hope and drive, for my life.

The 12th house.

My father also has a twelfth house sun. Isn't that odd?

That we both have Sun in the 12th house. The issue is, I don't want to be like my father. I appreciate him, sure. Of course. But he acts a bit like a man lost at sea on a deserted island. His house a shack he built out of random wood. His best friend a volleyball. Except all of this while he's living in the middle of suburbia. That is the vibe, I fear.

I love him, I do. I also blame all the earth energy in his natal chart. I mean come on, the man quite literally ONLY has earth signs in his chart. Like no other element. What the hell?

So it leaves me to wonder.

How do us 12th house natives navigate the foggy, uncertain waters? How do we stay sane in a material world, when the veil is so thin to the other side? How do we find meaning and reason in a material, hostile world, when the peace and happiness of Heaven is right there, waiting for us?

Really, I must know. I'm almost 30. And I'm afraid I'm missing my moment. I want to be successful, but lately, every well I seem to throw my bucket down, turns out to be dry. I've fallen for the illusions long enough -- the only issue is, I can never tell what illusions I'm falling for until after the fact.

I didn't realize how crazy I was when I was younger when I was acting crazy. It was other peoples reactions, and my many, many, many psych ward visits that I realized I might not be the best suited for this world. It's so mean spirited, individualistic. I don't know how to cope or manage. Maybe this is the doom, the destiny, of my Sun in 12th house.

If I was a 3rd House Sun, I would be a writer or a journalist or a teacher. A 4th house Sun, a stay at home mom or run a daycare. A 9th house Sun, I'd be a professor or a travel agent or a psychaitrist.

What does a 12th house sun become? Shamanistic Healer?

I have no idea how to do that, and I've got bills, honey!

Life in the shadows

I am like the others

My blood and my ideas

Correction does not evade me

Use your own judgment

He hides between the walls

of this old building

i don’t want to be sober but i feel morally obligated to be. ethically.

Casual reminder that you can choose to be sober regardless of if you have an addiction problem or not. Despite how prolific drinking is in many cultures, drinking is not necessary to be fun, to be sociable, to be vulnerable. You are not a downer for opting out of drug use (including alcohol). You are not on the side of weird, puritan drug programs and the cops for being sober, just like you're not a booster for alcohol company capitalists by enjoying a drink. Being sober should not be solely associated with purity and trauma.

Oh, the 12th House.

Sometime between middle and high school, I had a dream. I was using Tumblr, logging on, and seeing what other people were saying. There had been some catastrophe, and not everyone had the internet. It wasn't guaranteed. But I somehow had access to the internet, and I logged onto Tumblr through my TV. People hadn't posted in weeks, months.

I thought it was weird that I was scrolling through Tumblr on my TV. This was 2010. It wasn't a flat screen. It was big and chunky and a box. These days, you can check Tumblr on a TV. Technology has come a long way. Airplay. Screensharing. Smartphones.

Could that dream have been a premonition? Of the decline in use of Tumblr over the years. I had just discovered Tumblr in the 8th grade. I was one of the first users, back when hipsters and mustache and converse pictures were just about to become the rage. Myspace was still around, though becoming a graveyard more and more by the month. Scene kids never die though. Rawr :]

~

What could the dream have meant? Perhaps that TV would be my own demise? My armageddon?

When I first read about the 12th house, I was a first-year at Centre College. The 'best' college in Kentucky. Private, small, liberal arts college with a hefty endowment. Most people have never heard of it. So much for the prestige and recognition.

I read Liz Green's article about the 12th house. I had just started getting into astrology. I'm smart. Was an IB / International Baccalaureate student at one of the best high school's in the city. But astrology gave my little 18 year old mind & heart some peace of mind. Homework and ambition can only do so much.

Harvard. Thanks to Gossip Girl, Brown University became my dream school. I applied Early Admission, seeing as the acceptance rate was slightly higher, and I thought my desire and longing to be upper class would carry the weight for my acceptance. AAAANNNHHHH!!!! Nope. Try again. You were just an above average student, thought not straight As or rich and well connected. Of course, this got my admittance to other good schools. Just not an Ivy. You probably would have hated it anyway, seeing as you had a nervous breakdown your second semester into college. And that was only two hours away from home! :) Rhode Island? not a chance.

My intuition told me not to go to Centre. But my ego persisted. I wanted to go to the best school in Kentucky, and I wouldn't settle for less.

I got so drunk the weekend I visited campus my senior year. The guy blamed himself for letting me get carried away. But I knew what I was doing. Granted I didn't mean to get that fucked up. But I wanted to get drunk. My bad homes.

-

So, I wanted the conventionally successful life. I did. Graduate college in four years, maybe be a banker or something. Make money. It really seemed so simple to me. Then my life became a living hell. Torture. I became so reclusive. Would walk around in the night, and miss my classes in the morning. I had no money. No car. Surrounded by strangers, rich strangers, in a small town two hours from home.

I fell apart.

I ended up in the Psych ward for a week. Took the rest of the semester off to join a new religion, the Mormons. Came back the next Fall only to be completely miserable again in a couple weeks time.

I guess I just thought I could handle it. I wasn't disciplined enough to stick it out. I was crazy enough that it became too difficult.

I was in fact crazy. I didn't realize it at the time. I do now. It's why I blacked out all those years.

Thanks, 12th house.

The 12th house in Astrology. The house of Psych wards, Prisons, Monestaries, Rehabs. A single drop of water in the vast vast ocean.

The unconscious. Spirituality. Bipolar disorder. Photography. Drugs. Weird religion. Gay.

Boy, I had it in for me. All things considered.

I realized though, my dad's Sun was also in the 12th house. Mine and his. So I guess we asked for this. We're in this together. Two wackos.

Great.... :(

I guess what they say is true.

The 12th house makes you crazy. I'm living proof. But it also gave me psychic powers. Gifts. The days you feel like you are completely drowning, though, are the worst.

when i was 18 i wanted a complete identity change for some reason. i was going to change my name to Jack Caliber. i wanted to go so far as to get a new social security number. and then i did run away without telling anyone and hopped on a greyhound to utah xD

did not last long cuz it was impulsive. aries saturn 9h. :p

does any other 12th houser get a sudden urge to disappear?

— beau taplin

Hilma Af Klint, The Swan No. 1

I wish age gap discourse hadn't spiraled the way it has because I want there to be a safe space to say "Men in their 40s who date 25 year olds aren't predators, they're just fucking losers"

i had a premonition dream of mr jones i dated summer ‘23. it was truly the white trash love fantasy i always wanted. sucked it didn’t last longer.

but i had a dream jacob and i were putting art in the back of my car, paintings. at nighttime. real late at nightt. in an urban environment. i felt uneasy because it was late.

fast forward, i saw a gun and immediately jolted up. awake.

but what did it mean.

i didn’t carry art or paintings in my car for several months. i interpreted it i would get robbed while paintings were in my car.

looking back, i did get robbed in the end.

once i got closer to meeting my prince of cane run, i was confused. i hadn’t been talking to jacob. but i couldn’t help but think about the dream more and more. it was close to manifesting.

one night in old louisville, the dream comes true.

the baron of pleasure ridge,

side to side, with the prince of cane road. they put a painted, old

ikea bed headboard

in the back of my 2008 kia suv. it’s midnight.

*britney spears voice* holy fuck balls. i turn from my trunk, take it all in. ethereal. the dream is coming true.

jacob was just a substitute i guess because you can’t dream a face you haven’t seen. and they both were bottoms who couldn’t keep up the act. jacob sure ain’t shively though. cane run and i shared toxic habits and played a long game of cat and mouse, ensuing the borderline disorderly explosion. or episode.

but truthfully i see it was message from universe ou spirit, that i could not successfully integrate my drug addiction or drug use like i had been trying.

the best i could hope for was a sexy overweight but psychotically unstable, south side BOTTOM. bear. on drugs. security guard. bitch ass [REDACTED].

the end of the dream signaled the end of my summer fling, the summer i turned 27. the summer i became a MAN. jk unless.

on a warm, late june afternoon. my dad and three of his friends surround me, as we ascend his front yard. we walk up the pebbled concrete steps.

Lee knocks on the front door. we’re at the house of the man who had just held me hostage. bruised my neck. the week of our birthdays. odd timing. i have a bad history with birthdays though.

(psych ward @ 21)

we hear a bullet enter a chamber. cocked.

time to go.

Rural Ohio, January 2023.

Georges Méliès, The Eclipse: Courtship of the Sun and Moon (originally L'éclipse du soleil en pleine lune),  1907 

Hey🌸 loved your Neptune in 10th house description, I would love to hear your perspective on Neptune in 6th too.

Take care❤️

Hello love! Thank you so much for enjoying it. It would be my pleasure.

Neptune in the 6th house

They are people of kind and attentive nature, as long as they can help others they will not hesitate to do so. There is a healing quality to your presence and the way you interact with other people. Many feel understood by the native who not only gives them emotional support, but also practical support, being able to give a lot of good advice. They like the idea of ​​being there for someone and deep down they long to have someone (friend, partner or partner) who is there for them. They are very devoted in all kinds of relationships and expect that same devotion in return. They have a tendency to give more than they receive, so their lesson is to be devoted and generous in measure.

Their soul is sensitive, contemplative and empathetic, they can feel very intensely what the other feels. They may be drawn to work in fields that allow them to help, support, and care for people or animals. We can see veterinarians, doctors, nurses, teachers, healers, artists, astrologers and tarotists with this placement. Speaking of animals, they can feel a deep connection with them and can help the native to release stress, anxiety or depression. They are extremely kind and charitable people with any living being, including plants. Despite being very devoted to their work, they may have difficulty concentrating or following a very strict routine. Day to day can be overwhelming for them. They may choose to escape their emotional or real-world problems through long hours at work or a lot of sleep.

Throughout their lives they may be prone to frequent colds, multiple allergies or even a lack of iron. These natives are usually very hygienic and have a highly developed sense of smell, so good aromas can make them feel good almost instantly. They have a very sensitive nervous system, so it is very possible that they are very susceptible to stress and prone to nervousness or anxiety. They have a very good eye to analyze people and things, but beyond focusing on details, they are guided more by their intuition and the vibes they have of something or someone.

-> Go back to the masterlist

HILMA AF KLINT / "THE DOVE: XII" / 1915 [oil on canvas | U/D]

Joseph Mallord William Turner Sun Setting over a Lake, c. 1840 Oil on Canvas, 91 x 122.5 cm

Kye Christensen Knowles, "Double Self-Portrait", oil on canvas, 2022

My great grandma, Violet Leib. It runs in the family.