学式 · Some Studyblr Aesthetic

Maurice Sapiro (American,b.1932)

Atlantic City, 2018

oil on canvas

Gerhard Richter, Clouds, 1978

Why can’t I fix him?

Why is my love not enough? He had feelings for me. That is unarguable. his borderline personality disorder must have kicked in. maybe he was scared, felt unloveable. scared i would abandon him. so he self sabotaged cuz that was the safer bet for him.

but didn’t he see how understanding i was? how much i wanted to take care of him? didn’t he see the stars in my eyes, the expression of pure happiness just lying next to him?

maybe he got greedy. maybe he didn’t want to be tied down. saw how happy i made him, and figured he could do better. get more. have more sex with others. maybe i made him feel too attractive and desirable.

his hypocrisy. watching my grindr usage. sending me snarky remarks on a burner account. replying “who else” when i told him i loved him. i would have pushed every one to the side for him. i mean that. whenever i used the same tricks he used on me, it became an issue.

& he never said i love you back. started calling me codependent. he’s probably right there, but it takes two to tango.

the fact he has a history of this. dating violence. always preying on skinny young twinks with “daddy issues”. who doesn’t have daddy issues. it’s really not fair to reduce love and sexual attraction to that. it is what it is. not one person has a perfect relationship with both their parents. what is the use in trying to distort the pure love and happiness he provided me.

you told me you didn’t ask for another chance. you didn’t ask for me to give you the benefit of the doubt. harsh, true. am i a fool for giving it to you?

i won’t be a fool for letting you get away with this. the people of your past may not have held you accountable with the law. but i will. im not letting you push me around. break my phone and my heart, and walk away feeling like top dog who can do and have whatever he wants.

you had me big guy. and i had you. those seven weeks feel like a dream that i never want to wake up from. we could have built a life. i wanted so desperately to build a life with you.

you asked how i would kill you when we were joking around about that stuff. i said i wouldn’t, because i wanted to live with you. live.

that answer surprised even me. im dark, twisted. have a cruel sense of humor at times. but i don’t act on those thoughts. i can resist those impulses. i don’t want that for my life. i guess you’re not the same in that regard.

i believe everyone is a good person. turns out people aren’t as simple as that. there is part of you that is good. but that part hid away, and someone new is now in your body. i don’t know if it’s from your drug use, or bpd. i don’t know what it is.

it really doesn’t matter to me anymore, since we’ll never ever be together anymore. and that is what im mad about most. the fact you’re probably one of the most handsome men i’ve ever seen. the list goes on the ways you turned me on.

we were such a good match. but now it’s over. and you ruined all chances of there being something more. and that’s what makes me want to hate you. i wish i could hate you.

my error was thinking you wanted better for yourself. my error was assuming we had similar goals and outlooks on life. in many ways we did. and the fact you were such an asshole kinda turned me on. but you’re vicious and cruel, even to someone who loves you.

i don’t know what went wrong to make you this way. i wish i knew. i wish i could change it. i wish i could go back in time, and prevent whatever happened to make you this way.

you were my dream. and now you’re my nightmare. and i hate the idea that now i’m gonna have to spend my life with somebody else. if i survive you. and that we didn’t get enough time together.

It’s crazy to think how shy and awkward I was when I first became a vampire. I had absolutely zero game.

(Photo credit: victim #2, “Lilly” maybe??)

buachaill tíre Rí Ceilteach Rwy'n dy garu di

the moon in astrology represents our emotional nature and instincts. pluto represents power/force (good or bad) and what gives us energy, what transforms.

in my chart my moon squares my pluto, which means the planets are basically competing with each other for dominance and it creates imbalance.

pluto in aspect to the moon creates POWERFUL and strong emotions. it wasn’t until my early twenties that i realized most people don’t feel things as intensely as i do. but then again, most people aren’t as awesome either.

i don’t like many astrologers interpretations as pluto being a bad planet, or a square as being a bad aspect. it might be harsh at times, but if you haven’t noticed babe, so is this planet. get over it. wipe that neptune out of your eyes.

if anything, pluto is empowering. it is energizing. after all, something is forcing you to keep getting out of bed in the morning. something is pushing you to get what you want out of life, despite all of the pain and misery and bullshit we have to put up with. we find a will and we find a way. this is pluto.

I wish age gap discourse hadn't spiraled the way it has because I want there to be a safe space to say "Men in their 40s who date 25 year olds aren't predators, they're just fucking losers"

what in the actual fuck.

i thought i had met the one. no, for real this time. i say that every time i meet a guy. i swear.

my chart

his

he was chubby, just my type, and we did the same drugs. grew up in the same part of town. he had a house and a job. bingo.

i ask if he knows his moon sign, he responds that he doesn’t know what it’s currently in. i had to ask him to repeat himself because of how disbelief i was in. i coulda melted there on the floor.

later he shows me his printed out natal chart and i examine it on his bed.

unfortunately i do our synastry chart and he only had one key aspect. most of my exes usually have more than one. first red flag, i ignore.

keep telling myself maybe he only has one because he’s the one key for me. even though the key aspect was a bad one.

he’s a cancer sun like me. my lilith is also in cancer and supposedly that means you attract the darker aspects of that sign. that would line up. his moon is in gemini, mine is in virgo. kinda at odds there. he constantly wanted to argue. like to the point where it didn’t make sense. like pulling arguments out of thin air and kept running out of ideas.

all his personal planets are in cancer. mine are in gemini. his moon is in libra 7th house, my uranus is in 7th house. i have a tattoo of uranus glyph on my ring finger because it’s my favorite planet for what it represents in astrology. supposedly moon in 7th makes needy for like constant social interaction and having people around. also adds up. he has a lot of friends, and he’d use that to hurt me.

he had pluto in 11th house. i have mars, mercury, and venus there. i really feel like he livened me up. helped me see a light and grow comfortable in my skin and environment. pluto is power and i definitely felt empowered.

my sun is in 12th house, his was in 8th. compatible houses. we talked about spirits and the occult. he told me he had seen a demon one time. it made me fall for him harder. i have a vacant 8th house so it really piqued my interest. i thought it was cute, sexy. an 8th house sun.

he had outer planets in the 12th house, and a bunch in his 1st and 2nd. i have a vacant 1st house. not my favorite house to be honest. could explain why he’s such a dick and ok with hurting others. i feel like first house is a self centered house.

2nd house, i have my moon there. another placement that makes sense. i thought i could make a home with him. i loved his home. i wanted to learn everything about him and spend years with him. i looked at him and saw a husband.

but it got so sour so fast. he wouldn’t let up. it makes me think he was sabotaging it, us. for reasons unknown. maybe he’s just a bpd narcissist and there’s no sense to make. maybe it’s cuz his ex died and his mother is also deceased. i have no clue. maybe it’s just because he’s a big ol bottom.

but i really thought he was the one. i hate that so much of his chart made sense, but i’ve felt like this before about someone. it really hurts having to constantly let go.

we also had north node and chiron conjunct. i thought that was interesting because not a lot of people have that placement ? or maybe they do ? but his were located in gemini in the 7th house. mine are located in libra in the 3rd house. isn’t that so ironic? it’s like it’s mirrored.

he was also born in 1984 which was so sexy to me because george orwell. but he is kinda small minded and i feel diminished my shine in some ways. im just so upset. this doesn’t make any sense to me.

if you’ve read this and have any observations or insight, i’d love to hear it.