Cybercafé à Paris (1995)

My Folly With The Mormon Church

You gave me purpose for so long. You solved my existential fears until I was forced to outgrow them. However the surrounding chaos, the plagues of my mind.

I surrender. I had to the first time. My father told me from a young age the importance of asking Christ to be saved, or you will be doomed to hell for eternity if you die. That’s pretty heavy for a five year old. I was spooked.

The second time was when I was thrown into the deep end after graduating high school. THE KIDS WERE NOT ALRIGHT. I was a mess.

Ill-prepared, temperamental, homosexual. Frustrated at the world. Frustrated with what was promised to me. My social realities just differed. My social life and upbringing. What was within reach. My stomping grounds. The struggles I had to face with from my home, against my will or control.

The Mormon Church gave me an answer.

Gave me a sense of purpose, sense, reasoning. After all, what could be more important than one’s eternal salvation. I came to the conclusion that homosexuality statistically had to be morally corrupt due to its widespread attitude across cultures and countries. Hell, I read even the Buddhists didn’t support all at. Damn. Even the Buddhists hate me ???

If all we got is Ancient Rome & Greece backing us, I hate to admit we’re doomed. Look at their fates. Maybe I am just a pawn for the demoralization of American society. Being working class is just a double wammy.

Admittedly though, two very close people to me died actually, and they were how I would’ve considered ‘privileged’. Private schools, even fencing lessons.

But they got clipped by God’s Own Hand. He ain’t take me out for some reason yet. I sure have been hoping though, deep down. I guess you could say that’s a source of my self sabotage. And the fear. Oh the fear. The fear of being myself, because it’s morally incorrect and of eternal consequence. Or the fear that was quite literally in my face. Mothertruckers would knock me out around here. I’m an effiminate white boy in an industrialized, working class urban environment.

With unhealthy coping strategies. Maybe that’s why I joined some strange religion, and made it my entire f***ng identity. Now at the ripe, very adult of 28, I ain’t got my cuteness as a defense for much longer.

Not that that necessarily saves you in America anyhow. You could die in a mass shooting in a grocery store. It really is wild like that out here. I think it does something to your psyche.

MY RETURN OF SATURN ♄ ༝༚༝༚

When I read that Saturn in the 9th House Natives (in Kentucky we would say was instead of were, but I’ll speak proper) were energetically attracted to more Traditional types of religions. My jaw bout near dropped. I kinda felt called out. How this book gonna tell me about myself like that?

I was irked. But it only furthered my belief in the ancient art of the stars. You can’t really argue with what’s right in front of you. And I, p

Pause. Had to start playing Saturn by Sza.

Alright. This stream of conciousness has been cathartic but it’s time I focus on the big idea. My health. My future. Rules change as you get older. Adult problems aren’t kid problems. I gotta get real with how my choices and actions have consequences. The strength of my youth is fading. My breathing is getting bad from years of smoking, vaping, clubbing and gaying. It’s time to retreat and try to find redemption from my mistakes of my 20s. I learned lessons. As 2 Chains said it best, I’m Diffrent..

Joseph Mallord William Turner Sun Setting over a Lake, c. 1840 Oil on Canvas, 91 x 122.5 cm

Ku ren he

酷栠盒

他的爱心被很大

从来没想，

你现在会不这里

怎么做呢

如果没有你

我还吸烟，所以

记得你的记忆

我不会忘我们的生活

我心疼

酷栠峆

today’s astro observations

let’s be straight (got ya!) but we’ve all got signs we don’t really like. “i like everyone equally” thanks gandhi! not me.

but really, my signs are gemini and aries. i have three personal planets in gem, saturn in aries. but i’ve always had an aversion to that sign for some reason. my bff trev has his moon there. my aunt her moon. my sister her venus. but it wasn’t until my first roommate was an aries and his scorpio moon constantly surprised me with how compassionate, understanding he could be. like i felt understood, or something. idk.

*disclaimer since people lack perception and depth, but this is obviously a personal and subjective opinion, likely due to my negative polarities of cancer and virgo. i am not arguing that any sign is better or worse, inherently*

then i had a romantic fling with an aries man and i’d realized maybe i’ve been a bit too hasty with my judgment. hey, we’ve all been there.

*interestingly* my sun sign, cancer, apparently forms a natural “square” or point of tension, with aries. 🦀⚔️🐏

which is so true …. we be fightin.

cheers everybody xx

well the reason i know this is because moon square mars is also like cancer vs aries. because the moon rules cancer, mars rules aries. or whatever. so this aspect is kinda like that external manifestation inside of myself <3 or at least that’s what i’m telling my lawyer…

i have a bunch of essays to write for school now. if anyones reading my blog, ☄︎ ☄︎

𓀂

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𓀡

(this is a bear friendly blog)

(the gay ones. not sure about

real ones)

ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ

notes from this semester.

had hard time focusing. burn out + brad’s suicide + trauma from the summer. rough timez.

命运 destiny

错觉 mispercetion

for reasons unknown to me, powers greater than ourselves tore us apart. it wasn’t what i wanted. i’m still angry at the universe for tricking me.

Sydney Laurence (American,1865-1940)

The Hour before Daylight, 1925

oil on canvas

not the abacus

I was born to muck around on devices. thousands of years ago I would constantly be on the abacus in Stone age times I’d be staring at the cave wall drawings for 6 hours a day

My great grandma, Violet Leib. It runs in the family.

Anaïs Nin, Mirages: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1939-1947