Throwing My Hat Into The “Humans Are Weird” Thing

Are cats considered holy in human culture? I do not understand.

A story about a weird human thing

Scene: space, a spacecraft, this mostly Tizrah crew has a few humans

•A bell sounds, signaling the humans aboard that its time for them to eat • The humans, scattered about the ship, make their way to the mess hall • another crew member, tizrah-Sine, takes count of the humans eating • If a human doesn’t come to eat and socialize, ze might be sick • This crew takes care of their human crew mates • Sine doesn’t see human-Harlo • Sine goes off to find Harlo •Harlo is sitting in the lounge •cat-Dubby is sitting on Harlo

S: Harlo, Why is it that you didn’t come to eat when the bell rang? H: I can’t just get up, Dubs is sitting on me S: Do you not have the strength to remove the cat from your lap? H: I could, but it’s just not right S: What do you mean? H: Its not okay to disturb a cat thats lying on you S: … S: … S: The cats peace is more important than food? H: Its fine, Food can wait until Dubs gets up

•Dubby wanders off not long after this conversation •Harlo joins the other humans •The other humans agree with Harlo’s actions •Sine reports this to zir supervisor • A note is made in the ships guide to humans

- A human might not get up when sat upon by a cat. It is not viewed as acceptable to disturb the cat. Humans will still disturb cats in other situations. This situation is somehow special.

But seriously tho, on the topic of temperatures we can survive and stuff, aliens would flip the heck out if they lived where i do.

I live in a part of southern Canada that gets so cold that being outside for more than 2 minutes means you have a good chance of getting frost bite.

My room has two outside walls, and is very well insulated. In the winter i get frost on the inside of my walls and i couldnt give two shits. I sleep with the exact same blankets i do in the summer.

Like you see all these things about Australia, or rainforests, or Florida, and how extreme they are.

But id like to see aliens take on a candian hosehead. They’re like red necks, but with more crazy stunts, more beer, and more guns. Like can you imagine???

Alien: ah yes a nice cool region this will do nicely for the invasian

Human: *careens off building on a ski doo towing another man on a toboggan, hollering about how he left his beer at the lodge*

Alien: well perhaps the local species are a bit strange, but mostly harmless! After all, this species of humans “can-ayy-dee-ins” are known throughout this planet as kind and docile, we shall have no difficu-SMACK- HOLY GILSNIP YOU HIT ME WITH A PEICE OF ICE YOU PRIES FROM THE LAKE AND NOW IM BLEEDING HOW DARE YOU FEEL MY WRATH

Humans: WEEEE HEEEHEHEEEEE you came to the wrong neighbour hood, bud!

Alien:…. my scans say you are heavily intoxicated. This shall be a easy fight

Human: *whistles loudly and gives a big toothy smile*

Alien: starts screaming as another human on a sled heads a MASSIVE HEARD OF WHAT THE HELL IS THAT BEAST ITS FURY AND IT HAS BEEN HORNS GREAT GILSNAP GET ME OUT OF HERE

Humans: high fiving as they climb on their sleds and chase after their herd of buffalo because that will take a while but it was ABSOLUTELY WORTH IT DID YOU SEE THAT ALIENS FACE GET REKT

Keep them happy so they do not turn on you

Hey you! Don’t forget to water your human and give it plenty of nutrients! Humans are kinda fragile and need a lot of special attention so give it a little hug and a nice wash to keep it feeling ok.

If your human is feeling a little down make sure you remind it how strong it is! It’s made it this far!

Sometimes humans have problems with liking themselves and staying happy. Make sure you give this human plenty of love and support. Sometimes it’s hard to cheer up a human when they’re down so please don’t get mad at if it has trouble!

Humans are high maintenance but it’s worth it because they’re so nice and huggable and they just cuddle up and create and get so excited and they’re just so adoreable!

More “wtf are humans, please leave the rest of us be” stuff:

Human reactions to fear!

No, I’m not talking about screaming or freezing in one spot and pissing yourself. I’m talking about the weirder, more specific-to-only-humans fear reactions.

Like singing.

Idk how many of you have watched people play horror video games, but a surprising amount of people start narrating what’s going on in a sing-song voice.

Imagine being an alien, walking in a horrific, dark tunnel with these weird gangly creatures, you’re all scared out of your wits and then one of them starts fucking singing.

In a dark cave. While everyone’s terrified.

“ ♫ ~We are all gonna fucking die, this is terrible and I wanna go hooooome~ ♬ ”

We did it again people, reblog to get some divine intervention and never miss a saving throw again

Humans... purposefully poison the poison in their bodies. Oh.

Human Health-Ask Kloev

Humans are a strange combination of hardy and fragile. While their bones can be more easily broken than those of other species, and their muscles tear so easily that their own brains trick them into thinking they are weaker than they are, they can heal from nearly any wound, given proper care. In fact, human’s bodies are so good at regenerating themselves that they have developed a variety of disease, called cancer, which results from an incorrectly formed cell replicating too quickly for their body to destroy it. They have the potential to regenerate themselves to death, truly astonishing.

Dear Kloev,

In a recent battle, one of our human soldiers was stabbed in the torso. Believing her to be dying, I went to her side to offer what comfort I could and ask about her culture’s death rituals, that we could properly care for her remains. Instead of answering my questions, she insisted that she would not die and told me to press on her wound to stop the bleeding. I obeyed, not wishing to distress her further. A few minutes later our human medic arrived and took over.

When we returned to the ship, the human doctor spent much of a cycle in the medical room with her. I was concerned that humans do not deal well with the death of their comrades, I had heard that they can be very stubborn and vindictive when they lose a crew member, but there was no wailing and no other humans went in. When the doctor exited the medical room, he said that she needs to heal but will recover in a few weeks. “But she was stabbed in the abdomen!” I exclaimed. The doctor gave me a funny look and explained that he had to repair several of her internal organs and give her several units of blood, but with the medic so close she was in little danger, considering.

Now she is already walking around and doing work, although she is not allowed to work a full cycle because she becomes tired easily. That wound would have killed any other species, and they took extra blood from another human and put it into her body. I am told this is something that is done regularly when a human loses blood. These humans are truly terrifying!

——————

Humans have become famous for their ability to survive injuries and illnesses that would kill other species, but every time I see one of these stories I am again astonished. Humans routinely survive after losing one, two, even all four limbs! Humans can live without some of their internal organs, and even those they cannot live without they can often live with only part of, or only one of if they are organs which come in pairs. In fact, this is such a possibility that should one human lose both of a paired organ, such as their lungs or kidneys, another human may donate one of their pair of the same organ in order to allow the first human to live. Not only does this work well enough that both humans live with few complications, this is done multiple times per day on most human planets!

Thousands of illnesses exist for humans, and very few, perhaps a dozen, are considered unable to be treated. Most humans expect to catch at least one illness every year, and many of those who do catch an illness will continue to work normally while experiencing symptoms. More serious illnesses will require humans to rest, and some require direct medical attention, but even those humans have often created medicines to treat and nearly eliminate fatality for previously healthy individuals.

Humans approach their health care with the same reckless abandon they exhibit in all aspects of their lives. It is not unusual for human doctors to use substances to treat illnesses without understanding how they work! I have been told that medications for many illnesses have been discovered because the medication was being used to something else and “just happened” to cure this other illness as well. In turn, human doctors then begin to use the medication to treat this new illness even if they don’t know why the medication works or, in some cases, even what causes the illness.

Some human illnesses are very difficult for them to treat, or leave lasting damage to the body, and so humans have found a way to prevent them, which they call vaccines. These vaccines are made up of small amounts of the organism that causes the illness, which has been killed or rendered harmless. The organisms, in the form of the vaccine, are then injected into the healthy human in order to contaminate them with a small amount of the illness so that their immune system can “learn” to fight off the illness. Human scientists say that they have used this process of deliberately exposing individuals to an illness in order to prevent it for hundreds of years and have been able to completely eliminate some deadly illnesses in the population completely.

The recklessness does not end there. The disease I mentioned above, cancer, has a high mortality rate for humans because it is an illness created by their own bodies, making it difficult to target with medications and surgery. However, in their usual daring manner, humans have discovered that particular substances, which poison and destroy their bodies, destroy the cancer cells faster than other cells. Because of this, they will purposely poison themselves in order to treat this illness. If that is not sheer recklessness, I’m orange!

@humansareweird @ansixilus

I am afraid

Hey you! Don’t forget to water your human and give it plenty of nutrients! Humans are kinda fragile and need a lot of special attention so give it a little hug and a nice wash to keep it feeling ok.

If your human is feeling a little down make sure you remind it how strong it is! It’s made it this far!

Sometimes humans have problems with liking themselves and staying happy. Make sure you give this human plenty of love and support. Sometimes it’s hard to cheer up a human when they’re down so please don’t get mad at if it has trouble!

Humans are high maintenance but it’s worth it because they’re so nice and huggable and they just cuddle up and create and get so excited and they’re just so adoreable!

Humans are Space Orcs

Yet another addition…Teething. Babies, specifically.

“Human Veronica, your offspring is attempting to eat his toys.”

“Hm, oh, nah. He’s fine. He’s just teething. It’s normal.”

“Tee-thing? I do not understand.”

“Oh, well,” show baby’s mouth, “we aren’t born with teeth. They grow in when we’re babies. Babies like to chew on things when they teeth.”

“To sharpen them?”

“Uh, no. Not exactly. It’s just…something they do? The teeth have to cut through the mouth tissue after all.”

“Your bodies cut through themselves?” Horrified alien.

“Pfft, you think that’s bad? Our skulls aren’t fully formed when we’re babies. They fuse together .”

Go for the Head

so, I was thinking about how human bodies can survive a great deal of damage, right? 

probably all the guides on humans say things like “if you really need to kill one, go for the head. that’s the surest way to kill a human.” 

but do you realize that even that might just not be enough?

please, allow me to introduce Mr. Phineas Gage. 

Mr. Gage was a foreman working in the construction of railroads. He is most famous because he survived an hideous accident where a 3.2 cm thick, 1 meter long iron rod was driven into his brain by an explosion. 

Let me repeat: an iron pole rocketing through the organ that controls the whole body was not enough to kill him. 

Just in case you need another picture to get the idea of just how serious was the injury. 

of course such a severe injury could not leave him unscarred: his personality changed completely, and he had moments of delirium. 

but he survived. not only that, but he went on having a relatively normal life. his speech, movement and intelligence WERE NOT IMPAIRED BY THE INJURY. 

aliens have all the more reason to be scared shitless of us. 

Humans are weird, apparently

Ok, I decided I wanted to try my hand at adding to this “Humans are Space Orcs” thing.  Apologies if it’s been done before, but I haven’t seen this particular thing.

Imagine the aliens coming to Earth and looking at our media, at the products in our stores, and all over the place they see the most obvious warnings and disclaimers.  “Caution, food will be hot,” “Professional driver on closed course,” “Do not attempt.”  And they just think that humans must be absolute idiots because who the heck needs to be told that, right?

But they don’t know about human litigation.

Sure, the aliens have laws and treaties and whatnot, but what with an intersteller community and all these different races and languages, they just naturally abide by the spirit of the law, because who would want all that precise translation and finicky language and loophole abuse and obvious rule patches?  Way too much work for the aliens.

So humans join the galactic community, start developing relationships and trade deals and agreeing to abide by whatever the aliens call their Geneva Convention.  Everyone’s happy.  Until the aliens start looking a little closer at actual human behaviour.

“Umm, Ambassador Joseph, we can’t help but notice that your people have been making more dreadnoughts than the Isni Treaty allows.  This is making us very nervous.”

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean, President Gangril.  We only have four dreadnoughts.”

“You registered four, but when reviewing your fleet, we found there were at least twenty?”

“The other sixteen are heavy crusiers.”

“They’re clearly dreadnoughts.”

Joe brings out a large stack of papers.  “Actually, according to the treaty, dreadnoughts are over 906 metres, and these cruisers are 890 metres long.  The guns also…”

Until the aliens are collectively tearing out their hair analogues and somehow human lawyers get even richer as the galactic community desperately hires them in an effort to prevent this behaviour.