Are You Enabling People In Your Life?

Thank you for running this blog. I was held in troubled teen industry facilities for all of my teenagerhood, and am severely traumatized as a result, and it's been extremely hard to find words to describe what I went through to other systems or to trauma therapists.

It feels "too much", like there's no way this could all have happened to me, and I've been accused of lying about the organized abuse that went on there. Sometimes it feels almost like i AM lying, though I know I'm not.

Although feeling like I have "too much" trauma is something that I have to continue working on personally, I want to say thank you for pointing me in the direction of a framework that I can research and use that fits me more than any other one I've seen before.

I wish that none of us went through the horrors we went through, but I'm glad that there's a community out there and people talking about the things that have affected me. Thank you again for what you do running this blog.

Before anything else — thank you. This is an incredibly kind message and I'm really glad that you could find solace in this blog. I aim to provide resources that may not be (physically or emotionally) acessible otherwise, and highlight lesser-discussed aspects of RAMCOA.

The troubled teen industry is definitely part of the wider picture of organized abuse, and I wish it was put in that context more. Unfortunately, most discussions of RAMCOA focus on early childhood manifestations, and situations primarily focused on adolescents, adults, seniors aren't as referenced. Basically, the older the victim, the less likely it is to be included in definitions of RAMCOA; which is a shame, because those perspectives are crucial. Abusive care homes & inpatient facilities, prisons, and yes, troubled teen facilities are all forms of organized abuse in my mind, but the strong correlation with pedophile rings and cults has... Alienated? Many people from describing their experiences as OA.

I totally understand the feeling of having "too much trauma", and I feel like many survivors in general, not just ones of RAMCOA, can relate to that sentiment. "It's just too unlikely for all these things to have happened," I'll say to myself, "I must be exaggerating." Something that's helped me is the idea that some predators can smell blood in the water, and if all you know is hardship, it's hard to break out of hardship. Experiencing layers of trauma isn't... Rare, and you're not lying about it.

Once again, thank you. If you need any resources specific to the troubled teen industry, let me know. There's not a ton of research on it in the context of RAMCOA like I said, but I'm sure I'll find something of use.

Wishing you a gentle and fulfilling recovery. Aisling

hi,i was wondering if you have any tips on figuring out wether i might have alters/more distinct parts/a system or ”only” experience dissociation + memory issues + unstable and changing identity/sense of self (i dont mean that those are lesser problems or less severe, idk a better way to word this sorry) i know a therapist would be ideal but im unavailable to get one, at least for a few years.

Hey anon,

I'm sorry you had to wait a bit for me to answer, I really hope you'll still find this post! 😊

Though honestly I don't really have a clear cut answer. I think you can only find out by experiencing - and honestly I wish I'd done more experiencing myself, rather than trying to figure everything out by reading any and all literature I could get my hands on.

Regardless of what the right diagnosis/explanation for your symptoms would be (and I'm assuming it's psychological - but please always get memory issues checked out with a doctor if possible), the workbook by Janina Fisher could perhaps help a bit (it's called 'Transforming the living legacy of trauma').

I'd suggest trying some tools for what you're experiencing, and that's really a hit and miss. By which I mean, you'll probably try a lot of things and some of them will work and some of them will not, and some may not work now but when you try them again a year down the line, they may be useful then.

Some things that you could try to see for yourself if it helps a bit:

Practice grounding exercises (and there's LOADS of these, google can offer a lot), and for instance the emotion wheel (google has images) can help familiarize people with what feelings they are experiencing

Keep a diary/planner, something to keep track of your days. This can be as detailed or not as you want. Personally I'm really attached to my paper planner in which I just note down all my activities (I also add in spontaneous plans afterwards so later I can look back and remember what I did on which day). Other options are online agendas (like google for instance), apps like daylio, etc.

Writing. More like a diary. Stream of thoughts. What do your different sides of self have to say? Regardless of how "defined" your sides/parts are and what "label" would fit them, it doesn't do any harm to just write. Many mentally completely healthy people use language like "well partially I felt X, but partially I felt Y!" and stuff like that, you're not gonna do yourself any harm by approaching different sides of yourself that you experience with curiosity.

Try 'practical' things for any other things you struggle with. Usually this boils down to working towards a healthy sleep hygiene, creating a nice/safe space for yourself in your (bed)room/house if you can, finding things you enjoy doing (hobbies etc.), basic self care (hygiene, food, moving your body a bit if you can etc.)

Depending on the situation you're in currently (e.g. whether you still live with parents/carers or whether you have your own space, whether trauma is ongoing or not etc.), not all of these things may be possible for you and that's okay too.

Honestly, anything you can do to work towards general taking care of yourself is great. Also, if you can, write down what you experience. Write down how you experience dissociation and the other things you mentioned without diving into "but what diagnosis is this!!" (though yes I am fully aware how hard it is).

Despite what tumblr and other social media may show you, it's extremely common and normal for people with complex trauma disorders (such as CPTSD, DID, OSDD, etc.) to not become more aware until they're in a safe space, which often correlates with adulthood. And also despite what tumblr and other social media may say, it's totally fine to explore "parts of self" without knowing whether you have DID/OSDD or not. Honestly many different kinds of therapy are aimed at teaching people how to listen to all of themselves. It's just that for people with DID/OSDD/CPTSD, there is more dissociation between these parts.

Okay long story short, there's not really a lot you can do but at the same time it's a LOT you can do. You can read things (though this can be triggering and destabilizing), you can practice general mental health self care, you can work on some skills such as grounding. And I think maybe these things sound small, but actually they're massive and working on these things can be really difficult already. And working on these things can also cause a LOT of improvement already!

For now I'd suggest trying to approach your experiences as "parts [of me]" and just adjust along the way based on what you experience. It's okay to be wrong, it's okay to self-diagnose, it's okay to not have access to therapy (though I wish I could everyone that wants it a good, reliable, safe therapist), it's okay to not know what you are experiencing. And regardless of what you're experiencing, you can take tips/tricks from different places. I don't have DID, but a lot of tips/tricks for people with DID help me too. Some don't, but that's okay too. And regardless of what you're experiencing, you're not alone and things can get better.

Good luck anon, and feel free to send me another ask if you have more questions! <3

PS - just to be clear here, everything I just wrote is based on my own experiences. I am not a therapist, I am not a mental health professional, and what I say is not "the only truth" or whatever. I'm pretty sure I forgot a bunch of useful things, and it's also okay if people don't like this reply or don't relate to it or don't agree with it. Just wanted to add that, sorry 🙈

On days you feel exhausted but frustrated because you feel like you haven’t done anything to be this tired, think about these things:

How longe since you’ve had a good night’s sleep? No nightmares, no waking up multiple times, actually going to bed early, not having insomnia, actually waking up feeling rested and ready to face the day?

How long has it been since you ate a properly nutritious and wholesome meal?

How long since you’ve taken a break from work without thinking about all the work you will have to do later?

Are you currently fighting any illness? Remember your body takes energy to recover.

Are you really “doing nothing” if you are constantly overthinking the fact you feel unproductive, if you are constantly stressed with the things you do and don’t do?

Have you had bad/no social interaction lately?

Are you in any physical or mental pain?

Are you taking care of everyone but yourself?

Does trying to live during a pandemic and world crisis brings you worry and stress?

Are you feeling anguish over all the burdens you have to carry but don’t seem to be able to do everything you feel like you should be doing?

Are you constantly worried? Anxious?

It doesn’t feel like you have been doing nothing now, does it? It feels like you have a lot going on that you have to deal with daily, even when you don’t consciously notice it. There is a lot of stress inducing factors around you and struggling is okay.

It is not easy to be human sometimes, so please, don’t pressure yourself so much when you are already trying to cope. If it feels like everything is too heavy, please ask for help.

Please take care of yourself. 🌱

Feel free to reblog for sample size & add comments in the tags.

RAMCOA stands for Ritual Abuse, Mind Control, & Organized Abuse.

hope this is okay to ask but how would a system who suspects RAMCOA figure out what their programming type is if they show signs of a few different kinds? alternatively; are different techniques sometimes programmed together?

(Warning ahead of time; I will not be censoring any words or topics here. Also, I talk a lot.)

I want to emphasize ahead of time: most cases of RAMCOA do not involve programming. RAMCOA exists on a wide spectrum, and programming is extreme conditioning, starting as a young child, that specifically creates dissociative barriers (thus, creating a system) which requires consistent access and organization. Most cases of RAMCOA do have some levels of conditioning, but well defined programs are considerably less common. You can be a RAMCOA survivor without programming (or, in our case, loosely defined and poorly executed programs that border on "normal" conditioning).

Anyways...

I've recommended this before, but track your symptoms. RAMCOA relies on patterns & consistency, but especially programming. Track emotions, internal system happenings, switches, and their triggers the best you can (whether using a digital medium like Notion or a physical journal). Being able to correlate specific dates & stimuli to symptoms will make a huge difference. Part of how we figured out we have some sort of proto-Delta (aggression, fearlessness, emotional detachment, etc.) programming is through noting how we reacted to wounds/blood, both ours and others'; how specific parts front or come closer to front during times of stress or fear; vague memories of forced perpetration being triggered by certain weapons, scents, or bodily positions; etc.

It is honestly way rarer to find a system with one kind of program in this context. This because nearly all have some sort of basic obedience training, often referred to as "alpha" programming. Another near-universal program is some sort of access program: basically, a way in for programmers to call alters to the front, modify & implant programs, etc. Other kinds of programs are stacked on top of this, relating to whatever the victim's "specialization" would be. For example, sex trafficking that utilized programming would result in a victim probably having some sort of transport program (often to fall asleep on command so they do not know the route or location), one or multiple of the many sexual related programs, an amnesia on command program, and typically, some sort of therapy & abreaction interference program. And that's just the bare bones.

Additionally, some victims may not have a singular specialization, possibly because they were some sort of experimental ground for new programs or new combinations of programs, their group was not very organized or changed focus mid-programming of the victim, or they were the child of higher-ups in the group and expected to perform more complex roles.

If by "technique", you mean different methods of implantation or organization, that is also somewhat par for the course. Some groups change goal or formation over time, others may on-board programmers with a different "style" (an organized crime syndicate utilizing a programmer with a military background, for example). I know that only some of our system is structured strictly & militaristically, because one of our abusers was in the military.

Also... Don't be afraid of being wrong. Sorting out what happened with RAMCOA is confusing on multiple levels—trauma & dissociation warps memories, abusers will lie and trick victims, what happened is often decade(s) old, etc. You are allowed to question, research, and, if you want to, join survivor's spaces. It will be a long journey, but you are not the first and, unfortunately, quite definitely not the last.

I hope your answers come quickly, painlessly, and clearly. - Aisling

Sources and explanations on HC-DID, TBMC and RAMCOA methods + what makes an HC-DID system

HUGE TW: VERY GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF TBMC AND RAMCOA METHODS AND EFFECTS

Mind control methods sources (note: you need to make a free account to access. Again; it’s free):

Taylor & Francis

Mind control: simple to complex | 16 | Forensic Aspects of Dissociativ

This chapter outlines various forms of mind control, beginning with thought reform that is registered consciously, with memory, then moving

Taylor & Francis

From social conditioning to mind control | 15 | Forensic Aspects of Di

Man does not have the right to develop his own mind. This kind of liberal orientation has great appeal. For some, the abuse is embedded in a

RA specific mind control method source:

HowStuffWorks

How Cults Work

Cult indoctrination is a term related to cults. Learn about cult indoctrination at HowStufWorks.

Organized abuse sources (includes some RA sources) :

Organised Abuse

Resources — Organised Abuse

Resources on organised abuse

Explanation of fronting triggers and alter manipulation; has personal experience included:

If you don’t wanna read the graphic shit, skip to “summary:”

Within the context of dissociative identity disorder, these resources spell out a lot of what happens to HC-DID systems and how our system works. If you look at the methods used in cults as well as general mind control methods, one thing across the board is that it unfreezes, changes, and refreezes the ego(s). What does this mean for HC-DID? Well, due to the intense RA and OA trauma they were formed under, when parts are formed they are very disoriented. Perfect for this technique, especially since dissociation already aids in identity disturbance. This is where fronting triggers come in.

Most systems know that triggers bring parts to the front. Programmers also know this, and use it to their advantage. One way is that they utilize the above MC methods while a part is being formed/subjected to trauma. Example: Mr. John Doe is an alter that was formed in a rape, and during that the programmers chanted a long number string. Now whenever they need him out they chant the string the brain will be reminded of the rape, forcing him to front. Once they have a control over who fronts when, the programmers utilize their MC techniques. Isolation is already there, since DID of any form makes you isolated from your other parts.

Speaking of isolation, it’s very very easy once they have control of fronting since if they don’t want a part to see anything they won’t see it. That means a parts whole world can be entirely revolved around rape, c0rn (ykwim), being sold, etc. For example, Mr. John Doe fronts when a certain repeat client is raping the system. That’s the changing part.

The re-freezing part is also easy once you’ve got that stuff down. You make sure the part fronts a lot when their assigned role is needed by the programmers, making-like I said-the world revolve around their role. It’s all that they have, and to them it’s all they ever will have.

Summary: Since they are disoriented and controlled via RA/OA trauma and MC techniques at formation, it unfreezes the part. After that they can control when they front via association fronting triggers, and make them believe the world revolves around their assigned role. This is the changing of the part. After that, they make sure the parts world revolves around their assigned role and only that role-refreezing.

That’s pretty much it for this post. It doesn’t cover all of programming but that’s the gist on how it works. Thank you sm for reading, hope you have a great day. Bye

@crowsquackity since I promised I’d mention y’all

The correlation between the development of a guilt complex and emotional trauma

One of the many symptoms of mental illness that I often see go completely unaddressed is the presence of a guilt complex. Disproportionate levels of guilt can be symptomatic of several disorders, but are most commonly associated with trauma related conditions. A guilt complex is most typically defined as an obsessive fixation on the idea of being in the wrong in any given scenario, and assigning oneself an excessive amount of remorse and shame. Many psychologists believe that guilt complexes arise in early childhood, an are caused by unfair attributions of blame in early stages of cognitive development. Due to this association, many survivors of childhood abuse suffer from guilt complexes, and often go for years completely unaware of their condition. Specifically, victims of emotional abuse are extremely likely to have undiagnosed and untreated guilt complexes due to the taciturn nature of the abuse they experienced. Abusers in such scenarios often use manipulation tactics to convince their victims that the abuse they’re enduring is somehow their fault in order to discourage them from seeking help and comfort. This form of Pavlovian conditioning can instill long lasting guilt complexes in teenage and adult abuse survivors, and the lack of available information on this condition make it difficult to seek treatment. Luckily, there are several easily identifiable symptoms of this affliction.

Common symptoms include:

- Pervasive feelings of anxiety and paranoia over a prolonged period of time. Irrational fear and can be prone to panic attacks. Consistent worries and delusions of inferiority to others.

- Extreme emotional sensitivity, and frequent overreaction to minor problems and issues.

- Use of self deprecating humor and dark jokes as a coping mechanism. Often puts oneself down and emphasizes negative traits casually in conversation.

- Fear of abandonment so intense that one may suffer from delusional paranoia about being abandoned or left.

- Taking responsibility for small, unimportant issues in order to suppress subconscious guilty feelings.

- Self-martyrdom and self-victimization. Habitually seeking out suffering and persecution in order to feel better about the guilt.

- An angry or defensive persona.

- Utilizing any kind of “self punishment” to combat feelings of guilt and remorse. This can include purposefully sabotaging healthy relationships, intentional sleep deprivation, deliberate starvation and food denial, and self harm/self mutilating behaviors. These are the most common, but any form of intentional self destruction can be considered self punishment.

- Uncontrolable negative thought patterns and depressive moods.

- A tendency towards becoming addicted to alcohol and drugs, as well as intense hyperfixations on usually non addictive stimuli. This can lead to substance abuse issues that are difficult to handle.

- Compulsive behaviors of many kinds.

- Poor modulation of impulses.

- Low self esteem and high feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. Feeling “undeserving” of happiness, love, or sympathy and working towards an undefinable state of worthiness.

- Excessive compliance, or inversely, fear of authority figures.

- Having dysfunctional relationships with friends, family, and significant others. Difficulty maintaining close interpersonal relationships with peers and loved ones.

- Nihilistic worldview and loss of self sustaining beliefs.

- Experiencing “compassion fatigue,” or helping others at one’s own expense, and offering continued informal support towards as many people as possible despite any emotional distress this may cause. This form of burnout usually caused by prioritizing the wants of others over one’s own needs.

- Fluctuating/unstable sense of self and identity issues. Distorted body image and intense self-loathing.

- Hypervigilance of one’s own faults and issues. Interpretation of one’s own weaknesses as more of a hinderance than they actually are, and over exaggerating the intensity of any given flaw.

- Codependency and attachment-pattern based behaviors.

- Extreme difficulties in communicating one’s own wants and needs. Facing quandaries upon reaching out for help and setting boundaries.

- Shame associated with sexual intimacy and confusion in regards to sexual identity.

- Poor emotional regulation, unstable mood and regular outbursts or meltdowns. Maladaptive emotional management abilities and poor coping skills. Guilt is exponentially increased by any harm caused by these episodes.

- Blaming self for any adverse childhood experiences rather than the actual perpetrator.

- Pathological self-soothing behaviors, such as rocking, scratching or picking at skin, or hair pulling.

- Sense of brokenness or defilement due to negative stigma.

- Isolation and alienation, as well as a sense of complete and utter aloneness. Feeling inadequate due to lack of social interaction.

- Perfectionism and people-pleasing tendencies. Difficulty distinguishing between others’ wants and needs, and overperforming in most areas to make up for perceived inadequacy.

- Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide. Seeking redemption or atonement through suicide.

If you suffer from six or more of these symptoms, please contact your local psychologist, psychiatrist, or general practitioner. There is help available, and seeking therapy and medication can help you overcome your guilt complex. I suffered from a severe complex around the time of my suicide attempt, but I have been able to alleviate the severity of my condition through working with my therapist and school guidance counselors. I still struggle with guilt and shame, but it’s lessened significantly since I began seeking help. I encourage anyone else struggling to do the same.

Do you know any credible sources on “programming” specifically? I am unclear on the actual definition, I think I went through some things that could be described that way but I don’t understand the difference between “programming” and “grooming” trafficking victims. I previously have only really heard explanations on what programming supposedly is from untrustworthy, conspiracy-ish sources talking about like government mind-control in pop music, but I don’t want to disregard the whole concept if there is better information or research on it.

The term "programming", as I understand it, has fallen out of academic favor due to the connections you mention. Because of this, its definition is somewhat fluid, but I'd generally define programming as:

"The process of using trauma-induced dissociation to implant specific sets of instructions, messages, learned associations, and triggers to produce desired behavior in a victim. It is, at its essence, an extreme form of conditioning, and relies on the use of dissociated parts (alters) to effectively control the victim's mind."

Another source, ra-info.org (one of the oldest sites about RAMCOA on the internet) puts it this way:

"Programming refers both to the process of teaching part of the mind unquestioned obedience and to the content of what is taught. Thus you can say that a person has been programmed to suicide under certain conditions, or you can talk about a suicide program that is triggered (activated) by certain words or conditions."

Grooming for trafficking purposes may or may not use programming methods, as programming requires a level environmental control that not all situations can muster. Programming also typically involves... Well, weirder, more intense stuff. For example, most trafficking operations are not going to use spin programming, but rely more on basic cause & effect. Additionally, grooming may have more of a focus on positive reinforcement, while programming typically doesn't.

And programming is just one end of a large spectrum that encompasses many forms of conditioning, grooming, and abuse; some cases may have some elements of programming (like manipulating dissociative responses to create alters) while not having the structure necessary to do a good job of it. (That's what our case looked like!) Trafficking organizations may not have the money, access, space, or time to implement full programs.

But sources that mention programming by name do exist, and most give their own definition of programming. I'll throw them under a cut because this post is already getting long.

Dialogues With Forgotten Voices by Harvey Schwartz (2000). Generally a great resource so far, I haven't read all of it but what I have gone through is enlightening. Programming is mentioned all through the book but 330 is where more specifics are discussed. Index starts at page 499 so you can peruse topics by your own discretion. His other book, The Alchemy of Wolves & Sheep, covers similar ground (RAMCOA) but with a unique focus (forced perpetration). It's in my pinned post.

Both of Alison Miller's Books, Healing the Unimaginable (2011) and Becoming Yourself (2014). Many survivors swear by these books, and they use the term "programming" throughout. I haven't read these yet but you'll see them referenced constantly.

Safe Passage to Healing by Chrystine Oksana (1994). Another "classic", another book I haven't touched yet. Discusses programming quite a bit and is meant for survivors.

Many of Steven Hassan's works use programming in a slightly more "casual" manner from what I can see—referring to brainwashing at any age in the contexts of cults, as that's Hassan's focus—but helpful for many regardless.

Spin Programming: A Newly Uncovered Technique of Systematic Mind Control by John Lovern (1993) and Common Programs Observed in Survivors of Satanic Ritualistic Abuse by Neswald, Gould, and Graham-Costain (1991). Lumping these together despite the different authors because they're in my "I can't 100% trust these but the information is, in general, useful and many survivors share these" category. The first also includes sketches by survivors, but we're partial to the second one because we don't have spin programming.

On top of this list, there are HUNDREDS of sources that do not use the term "programming" but regardless, refer to similar processes. Too many to list. I hope this is a good starting point though!

I am seriously thinking about making a big post about this

Can people stop pushing the idea that you shouldn’t share information about RAMCOA at all? Yeah, sharing detailed information about programming publicly or with people who don’t need it can be dangerous, but it’s already such a taboo topic to the point where a lot of survivors feel like they can’t even speak up about what happened to them. And they have the right to, they endured it.

If you’re saying “be careful how much you share about programming” that’s valid. I’ve seen a lot of people saying that and that makes perfect sense. But “don’t talk about RAMCOA” do people not realize that’s what many of the perpetrators of this type of abuse want? They want total silence. They go to insane lengths just to ensure survivors can’t talk about this. They thrive off secrecy. They’re protected by people’s ignorance. This is a widespread issue that requires a societal effort to put a stop to. How will that happen if people aren’t educated on the fact that this happens, at the very least?

I know a lot of people can use this info to hurt people or get some sick pleasure from hearing about the abuse. But that doesn’t take away the need for this to be heard and known about. Stop silencing survivors.

If you're going to be "transRAMCOA", I'm going to demand that you start by paying reparations to all the real survivors out there.

My therapy with a DID and RAMCOA specialist (very hard to find, btw) costs me almost $7000 a year. Let's start there, shall we? That's almost $600 a month. Just on therapy. That I am incredibly lucky to have access to. Most survivors are shit out of luck and have to try to heal without a specialist.

I've lost untold amounts (hundreds of thousands at least) in lost income opportunities because of how disabling being a survivor is. I can't work a regular full time job and will probably never be able to. I've been "working" (read: pimped out by my own parents) since I was a little kid but the skills of a child sex worker aren't exactly transferable to the normie world, y'know?

I get by with a lot of help from some understanding roommates and friends that I'm lucky, VERY lucky, to have. This is to say nothing about the *quality* of that life (not great) beyond what capitalism or money cares about, because of course I'm constantly Experiencing Symptoms. On account of all of the trauma.

I can't even go to the bathroom like a normal person because of how much the constant rape fucked everything up downstairs. There is no fixing this. I will deal with many of the medical and mental complications for the rest of my life and this is just one of them. (Does it still sound like a fun thing to roleplay?)

The first ~20 years of my life were a living hell beyond what most of you can even imagine. My life is also statistically likely to be much shorter than the average person's. What kind of price can I even put on all those lost years? I can't. But you could pay me enough to not have to work for all the years remaining to me. If you want to pay me, say.... $100k a year for the rest of my life so that I can live what little is left to me in peace, then I would be happy to consider you an honorary RAMCOA survivor. I'll even write you a nice little certificate you can frame. I'll give you regular updates on how my therapy is going, so you can (sort of, not really though, you could never understand if you haven't lived it) experience this mAgIcAL hEaLiNg jOuRneY vicariously through me.

Go on, then. You want to be us so bad? Find a REAL survivor, and pay up. Otherwise get the fuck out of my community and stay out. Surviving RAMCOA is not a fun little identity label for you to play around with, it's REAL shit that ruins the lives of REAL people every day. I live with this, EVERY day. It's not a fun little game I can stop when I get tired of playing. This is my LIFE.

So pay up, or fuck off.