Latest Posts by pistachiophobia - Page 4

Isa: My smartphone changes "lol" to "LOL" making me sound more amused than I actually am.

Jake: If there's a "heavens no" and a "hell yea," why isn't there a "purgatory perhaps"?

Isa: Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.

Isa: I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.

Job interviewer: And where would you see yourself in five years' time, Isa?

Isa: Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening.

Jake: 2032 is going to be my year, you just wait.

Isa: Hand me the people opener.

Jake: ...

Jake: Pardon?

Isa, annoyed: The people opener! Just hand it to me!

Jake, stressed: WHAT THE FUCK IS A PEOPLE OPENER?

Isa: How do you not know what a people opener is? Its pointy- you know? With a handle?

Jake: Knife. It's called a knife.

Kaylee: What’s an orgasm?

Kai: When you fold paper to look like birds and shit.

Jake: Isn’t that origami tho?

Isa: No, you dumb fuck, that’s oregano.

Jake: *accidentally eats something too spicy so his eyes start to water*

Isa: Jake, look at me. It's okay. I would die for you. I love you so much. You're the best person I know.

Jake: I'm not crying?

Isa, hugging Jake’s head: Shush baby, it's okay. Kai is here and he loves you with his whole heart.

Jake: Light travels faster than sound.

Isa: This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Isa: Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minutes flute solo.

Jake: *starts playing the flute*

Isa: It’s not the best, but it’ll do.

Isa: I have all the money I'll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

Jake: Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Jake: Are you busy today Isa?

Isa: I’m busy converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

Jake: I thought trees did that.

Isa: That’s photosynthesis.

Isa: Here, I bought you a calendar. Your days are numbered now.

Jake: That’s a nice way to threaten someone.

Isa: My parents were really strict, instead of a net around our trampoline, they put a barb wire.

Jake: Are you okay?

Isa: Quite frankly, yes.

Isa: Sarcasm: The ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.

Jake: Sarcastically speaking, are we allowed this fine, elegant trademark?

Isa: Sarcasm isn’t for the weak.

Jake: Whatever you do in life, always give 100 percent.

Isa: Unless you're donating blood.

Isa: I'm naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons.

Isa: Love is like a fart. If you force it, you're going to make a mess.

Jake: Deaf animals have absolutely no concept of noise or the fact that anything else can hear.

Isa: But deaf humans have concept of noise, stupid. They know they’re deaf.

Isa: Maybe someone tried to kill me last year, failed, and i don't even know about it.

Jake: Why did the traffic light turn red?

Isa: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

Jake: If you look around before you do something, you probably shouldn't do it.

Jake: The Google self-driving car should have an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.

Isa, holding a kettle: Coffee or tea?

Jake: Tea.

Isa: Wrong. It's coffee.

Isa: I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.

Isa: Whoever said "What comes up must come down" has clearly never seen my bathroom scale.

Isa: I'm broke but not like poor broke. I'm classy type of broke. I'm broqué.