Distraction 2012 -

I'm still working away on getting the Bachelor recap up for this week. In the meantime, I wanted to take a moment to pimp out my new blog!

Candice and I have been working on putting this together basically since we came down with One Direction fever back in November. We are stupidly proud of it. It would mean a lot if you check it out and give us a follow.

Love to you all and that recap is coming soon!

Hello and Welcome!

I’m Cassie and the other Moderator here is my best friend forever Candice. We’re just two 26 year-adult women with a crippling obsession with One Direction.

We just wanted to have you in to say welcome and let you know what kinds of things you can expect from us. As fully grown...

Henley Monday -

So it looks like my cries to make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday went unheard. A girl can dream right? And as I sit here today with the remains of heartburn and general indigestion, more than ever I feel compelled to avail us with Henley Monday.

And today, a henley clad man for the ages, Kit Harrington aka Jon Snow on HBO's GAME OF THRONES. His stare is enough to melt a whole right through the Wall and blast a White Walker right to glittery dust. Keep your heads up everyone, Jon Snow does know SOMETHING: how to look sexy. Boom.

Henley Monday -

As you've come to know and expect, on holiday weekends your weekly dosage of henley comes to you on Tuesday, the actual Monday of the week. I hope you all enjoyed Presidents Day as much as the furniture stores did and relished the long break from your monotonous work life.

I'm not sure about the weather where you're at, but today in Chicago it is positively frigid. While walking across the river this morning, the wind was so strong that it PUSHED ME. It physically PUSHED ME ASIDE. I was not pleased. I was not warm. My whole body was feeling the absolute absence of warmth.

David Beckham is the embodiment of heat, however. He is smoldering hot in the face and in the hair and in the body and in this henley. Look at that man in that henley! He would NEVER let me get so cold I couldn't feel my toes. Bless him.

Throwback Thursday - 

TBT to that one time Carey Grant was reading a script in costume with a teensy-tinsey puppy in his pocket accomplishing the once impossible task of becoming MORE attractive and statistically perfect.

The Bachelorette - Week 6 Recap

We’re here! It took me so long to get all caught up with everything in my life, and sadly these had to take the back burner for a moment. But now I am back babaaaay, and ready to go. Let’s dive into love with our friend Andi. It’s week six, and this rag-tag group of fools has hit Venice, Italy. They arrive by ship, calling and cooing to the gods of love and art that they are here to appreciate none of it.

Andi greets the guys just off the canal, and says the one-on-one date is starting right away. Everyone is expecting it to be Cody because he’s the only one who hasn’t had one yet. But jk, y’all. Nick gets the date! They play the scary Intervention music as everyone panics for Cody.

“I feel like the pet dog of the group, like I’m just being drug along,” Cody says. And that is seriously depressing. Poor Cody. You are a Grade A Jabronie, but no one wants to feel like a pet dog.

Andi is taking this one-on-one date with Nick to really feel things out with him and see if there was any reason to be suspicious of him after last week’s drama. They are whisked away in, what else, a gondola.

The guys are staying in Abano Terme which is, according to the copy they gave JJ to read, “gorgeous and just minutes away from Venice.” Farmer Chris takes up his role as this season’s Renee and talks things out with Cody. He supports his feelings of unease, but also agrees that Andi is taking this opportunity to talk things through with Nick.

With the help of a trusty guidebook, Andi and Nick explore Venice holding hands, buying pizzas and gelato, and generally being pretty cute. Over all this both of them are just saying words, words, words about last week and wanting to start over with a clean slate and Andi worrying about getting too swept up in the romance. But, as Hamlet and we all know, those are just words, words, words.

Nick feels really positive about their date though, and that, according to him, “We’re back!” Andi feels better but still has questions she needs answered.

“Going into tonight, it’s sink or swim for Nick,” she says.

And then the scene changes to night and Andi changes into her best dress yet. It is black with gold leaf effect and is very dramatic. They walk into an insane, I mean, insane, Venetian masquerade hall for dinner. Nick is in a tux. Andi’s dress is SLAMMING. This room is INCREDIBLE.  But Andi gets right down to brass tacks about last week and what exactly went down.

Nick feels like he was attacked unfairly and his feelings were hurt by Cody calling him arrogant. He is very straightforward about the fact that he knows what he and Andi share is special, and that he doesn’t want to be rude to the other guys. He also doesn’t want to put them ahead of what he has with her. That seems to satisfy Andi and all her questions. I guess it works for me too.

 They keep whispering though. Why are they whispering so much? Is it because the hall echoes and the sound guy was like, “whisper or nothing!”

 “I’m definitely falling in love,” Nick giggles, “I know we have a long way to go, but I definitely am.”

And the deal is sealed for Andi! He gets the date rose no problem. After both putting on fancy masks, they go out to a patio and dance to a little quartet. It’s romantic as shit.

Date card time! Josh, Brian, Dylan BH-GF, Marcus, JJ, and Chris have their names called out which means Cody will get his one-on-one!

Before the group date starts, Andi gets another note from her secret admirer. She does her best to feign intrigue and delight as she wonders who it could possibly be. This secret admirer business is the lamest attempt at wooing this show has seen since that guy on Emily’s season wore a mask for the first three weeks.

The guys and Andi do a little Venice exploring together, then head up to Monselice Castle. They walk into the dungeon and everyone’s like, “Che cosa?” Then through a creaky wrought-iron door walk the two most Italian dudes of all time. They are presented as two of Italy’s best in the field of reading and administering lie detector tests.

The first scary guy says something in Italian. Then the next guy, clutching a leather bound book because COMEDY, says, “We are here to make with you a lie detector test” in what I can only pray is the first of many silly translation issues.

The dudes are a little freaked out. “I never lie,” JJ says, “No, that’s a lie. I try not to though!” Ugh JJ stop being so irrepressibly adorable.

Andi goes first to get the ball rolling and to show that this trust thing is a two-way street. Right. The guys freak out in the courtyard while Andi answers such hard-hitting questions as, “Is Italy your favorite country in the world?” and “Do you think all the guys are here for the right reasons?”

She’s done awfully quickly, and then it’s Josh’s turn. He appears to be the most skeptical and mistrusting of why she feels the need to do this. Josh has completely forgotten that he is on a television show that lives and dies by the ratings it achieves through sensationalist actions, but no matter! He still does it. The main questions asked of all the guys is, “Are you here for a right reason?” and “Are you ready for marriage?”

“Do you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom?” the tiny bald Italian man asks. Dylan says no. I mean that’s FAIR. Not every guy does! GROSS. But like, ok.

Dylan then pulls Andi aside to tell her he’s going home because he’s really not feeling well. When she asks what hurts he slaps his tummy and his head because he’s a child. Sweet man. Simple man. Go home, Dylan, feel better.

Chris reveals that he is the secret admirer and is worried that when she sees he has lied to her (about that) it’ll be bad. Oh hush, have a little faith Chris. She’s gonna eat it up like so much ravioli.

And now the results are in! According to the tiny, bald Italian man “Three guys told no lies. One man told two lies. Two men told three lies.” He then hands Andi the results of the test, and then shares that Andi told two lies and hands the men the results. I bet one of her lies was that Italy is NOT her favorite country in the world. Chilling stuff.

So Josh is continuing to be so perturbed by a lie detector test saying that he trusts Andi implicitly and doesn’t need no stinking tests. Brian rips open her results right away though because he’s a human person who is naturally curious about shit like that. And LO! WHAT HO! It looks like Andi DID lie about Italy being her fave country and also about thinking all the guys are there for the right reasons. Now that, the latter lie there, that is chilling stuff. Kind of. In terms of what this show is going for.

After a big rigmarole of will she or won’t she tear up the test results, Andi tears them up! She TEARS. THEM. UP. After spending all this time talking about trust and putting those poor professional, Italian lie-detector men through an afternoon of ass-hattery, she TORE THEM UP? Baloney. Josh is really puffed about it and thinks it “speaks volumes of her” that she could have so much trust. Does it? Does it, Josh?

And then we have a quick, acid trip where Cody and Nick are silently in a sauna together? Have I inadvertently dropped some acid? No? Ok. Cody and Nick are just silently hating each other from within a sauna together.

But the group date goes on. After a quick costume change, they arrive back at the castle. JJ is so adorable I can’t really stand it, but he is dressed like a wizard trying to pass for a muggle: Purple pants, sport coat, linen shirt, big multi-colored striped scarf. JJ should follow that “always take one thing off before leaving the house” rule big time.

Brian pulls her away first to get some quality time. He does a “fun” little recreation of the lie detector test from before. It’s a solid “dad” move. I get a very “dad” vibe overall from Brian.

The boys are wildly postulating as to who could possibly be the secret admirer? I think Chris thinks he’s playing it cool but he’s darting his eyes around wildly and being like, “Maybe we’ll never know!” and then staring off into the middle distance. “Who cares?” is what I say. BUT NO ONE CARES WHAT I SAY.

Marcus and Andi continue moving right along the vibe train. These two really like each other, but Marcus is kind of oatmeal to me. He’s just…there. But he feels really strongly for her and  she for him. He reveals that before his one-on-one he was thinking about leaving the show because he was so weirded out by “the process”. But he didn’t. They kiss and we see his tongue big time.

With Josh’s one-on-one time, he decides to bring up that the lie detector test was weird because he thought that she trusted him. And she says, “You read that much into it, huh?” which translates to “the producers made me do this you big dumb galoot”.  Andi gets kind of defensive with him because he’s getting so defensive and strange about the lie detector.

The whole conversation throws Andi into a really emotional place where she questions everything about what she’s doing there and if it’s going to work out. She cries to camera as she worries that maybe putting her entire life on hold to come find a husband and eternal love was all for nothing. She mainly regrets not reading those test results. A-DUH-DOI!

But as she’s clearly upset after her talk with Josh, Chris pulls Andi aside to awkwardly tell her like a shy little boy that he was her secret admirer. They kiss, and it helps Andi feel better about the whole day.

And for that little ray of hope and puppy-like cuteness, Chris gets the date rose. But the drama ain’t over yet, honey! As everyone sits there with fake smiles of congratulations for Chris, JJ speaks up. Whether this was induced by jetlag, extreme fatigue, alcohol, or any other mind altering substance, we’ll never know. But JJ says, “No offense Chris,” which is a cool way to be informed you’re about to be offended. “No offense Chris, I’m really happy for you that you got it but I’m getting a little sick of everybody congratulating everybody else getting roses and getting one-on-one dates.”

He explains that it’s weird to be congratulating guys on getting further along in the process when that means that everyone else’s fate is that much unsure. The guys jump on him right away asking, “Well what’s the alternative?” Chris gets pretty defensive which is hot. He’s not just all sunshine and rainbows. Chris tells JJ that if he wants to sit there and be “sour grapes” that’s fine because he “couldn’t give less of a f***”. NICE.

Now it’s time for Agent Cody Banks. Just kidding it’s time for Cody’s date, but remember that movie with Frankie Muniz and Paul Giamatti turning blue?

WERE YOU WORRIED THAT WE WOULD MAKE IT THROUGH AN ENTIRE EPISODE WITHOUT THE APPEARANCE OF A TURTLENECK? FEAR NOT, FAIR READERS, FOR HERE IN VERONA WHERE WE LAY OUR SCENE, WE SEE A GRAY SWEATER TURTLENECK ON LOVELY ANDI. It’s paired with this bizarre pink skirt. I don’t get the outfit at all.

Andi is so excited to be on the date with Cody because he has “the most amazing eyes”. Does he? Or are we just grasping at straws for something nice to say about Agent Cody?

The Code-ster is really excited and just all smiles as they walk around old Verona. He’s such a giggly mess. They go to The Juliet Club and help answer some Letters to Juliet. This stunningly elegant and beautiful Italian woman explains the Juliet Club to them and asks them to help.

They read one letter from a new divorcee asking about how to feel confident getting back on the dating scene and another from a boy asking for help being confident around the girl he is in love with. Both letters are very sweet, and I can’t help but enjoy this whole part. But then Cody crafts a response to the dude and tells him that he can relate because he has the same thing with a great girl named Andi.

Now. Fine Cody. Way to share with Andi in a cool way that you have feelings for her and she gives you butterflies in your stomach but ALSO. These are supposed to be responses FROM JULIET. NOT YOU. NOT A 32 YEAR OLD PERSONAL TRAINER FROM CHICAGO IN VERONA ON A LARK. Come on, man. Use your big old noggin.

At dinner Andi is wearing some tight, tight pants that I first couldn’t tell were pants. It’s a cute ensemble though once I realized she was wearing pants. Cody is wearing a black deep V and a stripey blazer. It’s a rough look.

He starts right away by saying that he was inspired by their activities to write a little letter of his own. “Dear Juliet,” he starts, “I’m writing to you about my own love story. About a year ago, I was watching TV, and I saw a very beautiful girl step out of a limo. And I knew she was special” Oh Boy. “The first time we met, I knew we had a connection. Since then I’ve had time to get to know her and I’ve learned she’s a beautiful, down to earth girl, and has all the qualities I’m looking for in a wife. Today was our first date, and she has not let me down. And I hope for many more dates. And I also hope she helps me write my greatest love story.” Oh boy. He finishes by asking Juliet to bless their love story. Yikes! OH YIKES! I don’t think it’s happening for Cody, and after that letter this is gonna be like punching a puppy.

He professes more of his feelings for her. And as he professes more to Andi how much he likes her and wants to know more about her, she starts crying. “The longer you keep me around, you’re in trouble because you’re gonna like me more and more,” Cody says.

And that’s where she cuts him off. She explains that she just feels that their friendship is there but the romance isn’t. Andi feels so appreciated and lifted up by Cody and can see what a great, great guy he is, but ultimately doesn’t feel the romantic side of things at all.

She cries and gets really emotional as she tells him why she can’t take him to next week. He takes the rejection like a real pro though. He is so respectful and generous to her. Cody, you leave like a true gentleman. You need a little bit of a style-overhaul, but you’re a sweetheart.

The rose ceremony will be at the oldest winery in Italy (maybe) in Verona. The men pull up in enormous Rolls Royces. They’re are all a titter because they really need this time with Andi to make their feelings known and put it all on the line one last time.

Andi is in a slinky, sparkly black dress that is allotting for an intense amount of side boob. Nick pulls Andi away first and all the guys are pretty steamed because he already has a rose. But Andi really likes it because he took control of the situation like a man. Chris is very disappointed in Nick’s behavior, and the rest of the men appear to be in the anti-Nick boat.

The rest of the rose ceremony continues with the typical show-boating and emotions-bearing. Then Andi has a great fireside chat with Chrarrison who helps Andi to debrief her not so great week. She feels great going forward that her husband is there, but it’s getting harder with fewer and fewer guys.

Roses go out to: Dylan Bad-Hair Good-Face, Brian, and Marcus. Then it’s down to just JJ and Josh. My J-boys. And then, to my great chagrin, the final rose goes to Josh. JJ knows it before she even says it. He’s so crushed and sad. I’m so crushed and sad! JJ! My little pantsapreneur! I love you so! Come heal your wounds with me in Chicago! I will cook you delicious dinners and make you salsas from scratch J-JAYYYYYYYY!

Whew. What a rollercoaster this week was, huh? And it can only get crazier from here. That’ll be fun. This party is moving along to Brussels, Belgium. Cool! I can’t wait. Of course you won’t have to wait a full week for that recap, hopefully it’ll go up on Friday. Until then my loves! Ciao!

The Bachelorette - Finale Part 1 Recap

This is it you guys. This is part one of the EPIC two part finale for our girl Desiree as the Bachelorette. Will she find love? Will she be left alone? What the heck happens to make everyone cry? Why does Des just want to go home?! Will the guys be dorks in Antigua? Answers to all this (and more!) in the coming HOURS of TV. I've got my orange vodka lemonade at the ready, so here. we. go.

The tropical paradise of Antigua will play host to the remaining three guys this week. The producers kick off with the requisite relationship recap for all three guys. There is nothing exceptional to note except that Desiree is very open about how her feelings for Brooks are above and beyond what she feels for the other two men. “He almost doesn’t have to tell me that he loves me for me to know. It’s unspoken,” Desiree confides, and this makes me worry, worry, worry.

Drew has his date first, so let’s get that out of the way. Everyone keeps saying it “an-TEE-gah”, and I’m pretty sure it’s “an-TEE-gwa” so that will irritate me all episode. (hey guys I looked it up afterwards and they’re both correct but ending in –gah is technically more correct. The more you know!) They explore the island together and do adorable things. Desiree can’t help but enjoy how handsome Drew is in the face and the body. The emotional connection doesn’t seem to be the strongest but surely the physical side of things is strong. Heyo pulling off on the side of the road for kissy kissy!

There’s a festival with local people and music and arts and crafts. The couple has a lot of fun doing the limbo, so they could have a lot of fun doing absolutely anything, probably. The limbo is the living worst. From a hilltop at sunset they have a tropical fruit picnic and talk about how nice it was to meet his family. “I would get on a knee today and ask her to marry me,” says Drew. I’m sure you are Drew, but you are the underdog in this race for sure.

Now it’s night time and it’s raining on the beach and the two lovers cannot stop kissing despite the precipitation. Des is wearing some breezy patterned palazzo pants. Dinner on the beach gets rained out which leads them straight to the fantasy suite. Drew is so cute. He is adorable and handsome all at the same time. He is thrilled to death about waking up in the morning next to Desiree. There are also some terrifying nature night sounds happening around them that sound like a whistling hellscape. Are they bugs? Are they birds? Frogs? Demons? What?

When Desiree talks about how important being assertive and being a good communicator is to her, Drew tells her that he would be ready to get down on one knee tomorrow, any time. He loves her and is determined about it. They kiss sitting across from each other on the bed until Drew tells them it’s time to go.

Cut to Brooks in Boise, Idaho deeply contemplating what the implications of an overnight date with Desiree could mean. Brooks says that he does feel like he could love her, but is not in a stage where he can really say it. That’s why he’s in Boise: to get some guidance from his family on the week ahead.

“The idea of me proposing to her at the end of this makes me really uncomfortable,” Brooks tells his mom and sister among other misgivings about his feelings for Des. Mom and sis give some good advice about what he should feel and know about this woman before taking the big step of proposal. Brooks is still so conflicted though because he feels that Desiree is such an incredible woman but still doesn’t know what to do. I wish that Brooks didn’t have the pressure of a MANDATORY proposal weighing him down and could take the relationship more slowly like a normal human person.

“A hard conversation now, is a lot better than a horrible one later,” he states. While being so conflicted, he decides to follow through and see Desiree on the date to see where the feelings go. The reservations and worry is written plain across his sweet face. His mom and sister support whatever decision he makes, even if it’s the hard one (guys. I think it’s gonna be the hard one). And he’s off to Antigua!

Obviously saving all the drama for last, Chris has his date next. He’s such a sweet lil peach. Desiree is wearing yet another pair of breezy palazzo pants. That’s too many pairs of palazzo pants, Des. And this awful crocheted vest over bikini top that’s happening? Who did this to you? Why do they hate you? Please stop the hatred and palazzo pants.

OH MY GOSH YAY YOU GUYS THERE’S A HELICOPTER RIDE! SOMETHING WE’VE BEEN SORELY LACKING THIS SEASON! Chris is more excited than he’s EVER been to be in a chopper with his lady Des. This guy has extreme amounts of childlike wonder, and I ain’t mad about it.

The chopper takes them to a private beach on Barbuda to have a picnic. Then they make out on the beach as the waves splash around them. Des likes Chris a lot and feels very strongly for him on a few levels. “Chris would make a perfect husband,” she says. She doesn’t say a perfect husband for her yet, but it could work out. I just like them a lot as a couple, and if Brooks is going to bow out like it appears he might, I would want her to go with Chris. Much as I love looking at Drew, I see more of a multidimensional person in Chris. Same goes for their two relationships. Though, no one wants to feel like second banana to Brooks so what’s going to happen here?

UH. COOL TANGERINE LINEN SHIRT CHRIS. He looks like a papaya. The terrifying whistle demons are back in the ambience. I’m ill at ease, but these two don’t seem fazed. With future talk, Chris says that he would want Desiree to move to Seattle with him and his career. “I could do what I love to do, anywhere” concludes Desiree after saying that she does really like California. It’s a good talk with possibly real implications. He’s “jacked” about it. It’s nice that Chris says what he would really want and not just the usual “I’D MOVE MOUNTAINS TO BE WITH YOU. TEMPE, ARIZONA SOUNDS VERY NICE.”

These two are total dorks together. Desiree pulls out the fantasy suite card, and Chris nobly jumps at the opportunity “to spend more time with her” and “watch the stars”. HA. HA. IS THAT WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT NOW, BRAH?

They have been in the fantasy suite for one hot second before Chris busts out yet another poem.

It’s excited to see how far this journey has taken us

From places I never knew existed to places I’ve longed to see

All experiences you and I have shared together

And now here we are one week after you met my family

One week from the possibility of forever

And I’m not nervous. I’m excited.

It’s hard to deny the connection that we’ve made:

The chemistry, real compatibility, permanent friendship

Piecing together this journey with new memories

Open to what is to come for us in the future

And excited to spend our lives together forever.

“Oooh I love it!” she coos.  Do you love it Des? I bet you do. I shouldn’t question the fact that you love that saccharine swill. But fine. I suppose I’ll let you have that. At least this one doesn't rhyme. They have the rest of the night together under the stars. How sweet.

The moment of truth has arrived, however. Brooks’ “date” is up right now. As Desiree voices over how excited she is for her date with Brooks, Chrarrison arrives at his suite to have a chat. After doing the same hemming and hawing he did with his family Chrarrison lays it down: do you love her or are you done?

After a long, long silence Brooks says, “If I don’t feel it at this point, I’m not going to feel it with more time.” Oh no. This is just terrible. Chrarrison talks to him more about whether he’s just not ready to commit to marriage or if he’s just not in love with Des which is a nice touch of reality like ‘hey maybe this show is ridiculous and in real life it’d be different?”. But it turns out he’s just not in love with Des. Brooks starts to get emotional and teary talking about how much he knows this will hurt Des. Uh yeah. She loves you bro and has been saying so for weeks so “hurt” is a word I would use.

“Clearly, I know you don’t want to hurt her, but as a man it’s the conversation you need to have,” is how Chrarrison cuts him to the chase. He’s still stewing and floundering, but Chrarrs knows you just have to rip that band aid.

Desiree! Girl! I feel so bad for you, yo. You got dumped by not one but two guys on the show where you are the one supposed to be doing all the dumping. And the second guy was one you were in love with! But when it comes down to it, you can’t make them love you. So here. Please enjoy three different versions of one of the great songs of our time.

“I can’t make you love me” by the Queen Bonnie Raitt, this soulful cover by Tank (Shout Out to all my fellow Call Chelsea Peretti fans), and a haunting one by Bon Iver. You need these. Let them soothe you like I know they soothe me (I Can't help but suggest you, reader, select one to soundtrack the remainder of this post.)

“It’s just gonna be stress free, no worries,” Des says of the date planned for today. Ugh. Oh GIRL. THE DRAMATIC IRONY IS HURTING MY SOUL.

Well Brooks is gonna have to get this over with right away because he’s the worst ever at putting on a brave face. He starts crying immediately upon seeing her. And you can almost hear the needle scratch in her heart. She knows something is very wrong.

“Talk. To me.” She demands while he just babbles on about nothing and keeps sighing. Command the respect you deserve! The tears are already forming in her eyes as she realizes what’s happening. A woman always knows. We just always know.

“I feel like you’re a much better person than I am…and I love that about you, I really do.” He just keeps talking and isn’t laying the cards on the table. I want to scream at him to just SPIT IT OUT. Now they’re both crying.

“How do you really feel?” she asks.

“Um. You know I really want to be madly in love with you, you know?” is all he says. Ugh. You suck at this bro. Take a lesson in breakups. Don’t talk to Sean though. He was a complete disaster too.

She cries. He cries. They cry while hugging. As they keep talking she just literally curls into a ball and cries “why?” and it’s very raw and I don’t like watching it. She doesn’t even want him to touch her. I HATE this. “I don’t even know what to say. I love you. I do,” she sobs which makes him so sad and mad because he didn’t know and they are both messes. I feel less bad for him though!

Silence. Tears. “For once in my life I felt hopeful. I’ve never felt completely loved by any one, and this sucks. It sucks. It sucks that I loved you. I love you regardless. I do. I can say it. I don’t care that you just broke my heart. I love you,” Desiree says. This is a strong woman. Say what you will about her not being the most “dynamic” Bachelorette ever but this is a strong ass woman. After forbidding him to continue talking she just cries into his chest for a while.

“I’m just surprised at the love that she has for me. Just surprised.” REALLY BUDDY? THAT SEEMS SLIGHTLY ACCURATE. His eyes are puffy and red and he is a snotty, teary mess talking to camera.

Lizard. Bird. Two people crying as they break up. Powerful storytelling here, ABC.

“So now what are you gonna do?” Brooks asks as they walk away from the dock of doom and misery. “Like I was worried you’d feel conflicted.”

“Conflicted? You wanna know why I was conflicted? Because I wanted to give my heart to you! I didn’t want to share it!” uaskdjflaksjdlfkjworaosfalskjdfj ajaskljasdofu THAT IS RAW. But maybe she was holding back with the other guys and with Brooks out of the picture she’ll really be able to fall for one of them? I don’t know! This mop haired Mormon is ruining it for everybody!

“Sorry. I’ll shut up. I’m not helping here,” he whispers. Yes. Now would be a good time to STOP. TALKING.

“No. Not at all,” she croaks out, “I guess you have to go.” As they hug goodbye they isolate the sound so all we can hear is their two heart beats and that is SAD POETRY. TAKE NOTE, CHRIS. THAT IS FOR REAL SAD POETRY.

He tries to hug her good-bye and she doesn’t hug back. Then she does. And he doesn’t. Then he turns to leave and she hauls ass out of the little palm grove. No thanks producers, not right now. Byeeee. Let’s let her drown in her tears for a second. Brooks weeps a little too. Little chokey sobs. At least he feels the full weight of what he’s doing. Now they are both weeping separately, and it’s very, very sad. As much as we poke fun at this dog and pony show, I take no pleasure in watching two people full on weep on camera.

“That was way worse than I thought it was gonna be,” he sobs out. Good. At least doing that hurt like a bitch because she’s feeling a thousand times worse so at least you feel some of the pain you caused. Is he to blame for just not being in love with someone? No. But he’s still the dumper. And it is almost impossible to feel worse for the dumper than for the dumpee in a case of unrequited love.

“I just feel so bad that I have two amazing guys who love me, and I can’t love them as much as I know I have to give. And that’s not what they deserve. Honestly for me, it’s over,” she weeps to us.

  And that’s all she wrote. Weeping is how we conclude this week’s half of the finale. Next week we’ll see the epic conclusion and a possible “After the Final Rose” episode. Now, I’ll gently remind you all that in the previews we have her infamously saying “I always knew I was deserving of love, but I never knew I could feel so loved” and more recently they showed her and Chris playing with a stingray. So at least we can rest easy knowing that the show isn’t completely over yet. But still, I cannot wait.

I know it’s going to be hard to survive, but until then, check me out on twitter @chasspod, and I’ll post a special Desiree specific set of the Bachelorette Finale Drinking Game rules for you all to follow along with at home. Peace, love, and happy journeys until then!

EncycloPETE-ia Holmes - A Guide to His Oeuvre Available Online

Tonight at 12 EST/11 CT The Pete Holmes Show will premiere on TBS, and it is gonna change your life for the better. Pete has been building his empire quietly but steadily for several years now, and he's about to become a household name and your new favorite comedian. And anyone who has had a conversation with me that lasted more than two minutes in the past four months can vouch that I literally will not shut up about how much I love Pete Holmes. There's a good chance that I am the biggest Pete Holmes proselytizer who isn't Old Petey Pants himself.

Which brings us to this: The Encylopaedia of Pete Holmes’ work, which I have personally curated for you to get maximum delight from the Harbinger of Joy himself: Pete Holmes.

http://www.youtube.com/user/peteholmes?feature=watch

Pete’s  YouTube channel is now also his official channel for THE PETE HOLMES SHOW. It not only has the more recent sketches they’ve been doing for promos, but it’s also full of various stand up clips, appearances on Conan, and other odds and ends.  I would highly recommend watching his most recent interview on Conan and the full “Batman vs. Superman” sketch to get a good feel for his overall sense of humor and sensibility. Also on YouTube, I recommend this video HYPERLINK HERE in which his good buddy (and writer on TPHS) Chris Thayer interviews Pete after both having eaten whole habanero peppers.

http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/news/inside-the-pete-holmes-show-20131028

This Rolling Stone article is a good overview of how Pete plans to differentiate his late night show from all the others, and shows his overall bonhomie to fellow comedians and late-night hosts.

http://www.laughspin.com/2013/10/24/the-very-thorough-laughspin-interview-with-pete-holmes/

True to its title, this LaughSpin article is “very thorough” but it’s great that way. Pete’s podcast is always very thorough and this interviewer does a good job getting weird with Pete. It discusses a little more how Pete got to this place and his feelings about starting this huge new chapter.

http://instagram.com/peteholmes#

Pete’s Instagram is  filled with behind the scenes pics from the show as well as fun weird stuff he sees around that makes him laugh like a braying donkey with a megaphone.

https://twitter.com/peteholmes

You need to follow him on twitter not only to keep yourself completely up to date with all of his professional doings but also because he knows how to use the form effectively with his own voice and that is fun, friends. Especially whenever Chelsea Peretti (@chelseavperetti), one of Pete’s real life best friends, gets involved.

https://vine.co/v/hdjXjFL7OBh

Pete’s Vine might actually be my favorite little piece of the Holmes Oeuvre. It is perfectly suited to his sense of humor and personality. It’s so infectiously happy that recently on vacation, my sister and I spent hours going back through almost every one of Pete’s Vines. We then proceeded to drive our Mother to the very brink of insanity as we sang his little Vine songs in a real life loop. This “Banana Sings” Vine has actually gone viral and for good reason. It is perfection.

http://www.nerdist.com/podcast/you-made-it-weird/

You Made it Weird is Pete’s podcast that falls under the Nerdist group of podcasts. With each guest, Pete sits down to have an in depth interview, often times with both the guest and host sharing about their lives in a vulnerable, accessible, and gut bustingly hilarious way. There are episodes where you truly laugh and then cry and then cry while laughing. Pete’s friendly charisma sets up a real space of trust so that the guests feel comfortable sharing everything from the story of losing their virginity to almost getting killed in an abandoned haunted mansion. The latter actually happened on the Chris Gethard episode which has been one of my favorites.  It gets weird in a lot of ways, not least of which when Chris shares something personal about his career that could’ve derailed a different interview but manages to be a really poignant moment on YMIW.

“Impregnated with Wonder” and “Nice Try, the Devil”

Both of Pete Holmes’ hour-long albums are available on Spotify streaming for FREE right now. They are also available for video download for the low, low price of $5 on Comedy Central’s website. Both albums are terrific and great to listen to, but so much of comedy is in Pete’s facial expressions and physical humor, that if, at this point, you’re convinced that you love Pete Holmes, the video downloads are really worth it. Plus you then have them to force your friends to watch when they tell you they don’t really know who he is.

http://peteholmes.com/

And yes, of course Pete has a website that has all the things I just laid out for you in one helpful spot should you for any reason forget the link to this post. It’s not quite as fun without my sparkling curatorial commentary, but it really gets the job done with extra and updated info for tour dates and new guests on the show.

That wraps up the EncyloPETEia. I really hope you put it to good use, namely making yourself a happier person. I’m genuinely thankful that Pete Holmes is a comedian and that it is 2013 where I have 100% FREE access to so much of his comedy. My final hope is that you will join me tonight, and every weeknight hence, glued to your TV after Conan watching THE PETE HOLMES SHOW flourish and succeed and become a much beloved late night show. Pete is the late night host we deserve, not the one we think we need.

The Bachelorette - Episode 9 Recap

        By the tropical citrus flavored liqueur colored waters of Curaçao (Click the link. Educate yourself. It's the least I can do for encouraging this weekly drivel) is where we will live out the rest of our long day’s journey into love. It is all Dutch Caribbean and beautiful as Emily arrives for the toughest decision of her life.

                  Now this is the episode during which normally there would be a fantasy suite date. I have heard tell from various sources however that Emily requested there be no fantasy suite. I respect this choice as she is aware that this show is something that her daughter will one day see. These are only rumors though, so we’ll see what happens.

Once again, we start the episode with a little montage and voice over of Emily wrapping up each relationship just in case you haven’t been paying close enough attention for the last two months.

Sean is an all American sweetheart stud. Jef is an “edgy”, caring, calm voiced Elf King. And Arie…sweet Arie, is something special. Emily actually gets a little teary eyed talking about just how wonderful Arie is and how much she feels for him. My money is on him for taking the whole thing home.

           But along the perfect blue Curacao waters, Emily worries. She worries about making the right choice, and she worries about hurting people’s feelings. We can see that the emotional breakdown is imminent as a tough decision is ahead of her.

The first date is with Sean who appears in blue toms, a blue v-neck, and what I’ll call neon coral shorts. So cute. I love a man confident enough to wear bold colors. There’s finally a helicopter ride! This season has been especially lacking in the helicopter department, and I was beginning to worry none of these guys would get to squeal over the prospect of floating over scenic places in awkward headsets.

The thing about Sean is that he is a perfect guy. His family is perfect. His face is perfect. Lord knows his body is perfect. He is the nicest guy imaginable, but I just don’t know if he’s the right guy for Emily. Everything about him is perfect, but there isn’t that apparent electricity between them like with her and Arie or Jef.

     He has been skirting around telling Emily he loves her for like the whole entire private island date. And she finally says, “Sometimes you’re a little hard to read,” and he painstakingly and awkwardly manages to NOT tell her he loves her!

He then points out the snorkel gear, so they do a gentle strip tease to go snorkeling. They make out in the sunset waters. Come on, Sean! Get it together! Tell her you love her!

On a personal note, the fact that he has a little ginger in him makes him all the more attractive to me. Because, Fun Fact about Cassie: I love gingers most of all. I think this is probably my service to humanity because they need all the love they can get.

HENLEY ALERT! Sean is wearing a henley for the romantic beach date! Oh that’s the best of all possible worlds. Emily is hopeful that during this romantic dinner that “she planned”, he will finally open up to her.

    Oy, for the love of poodles with the number of letters these guys write. Sean has written Ricki a letter of love as an introduction and reads it. It’s very formulaic, but dammit, he gets choked up and so do I. He also has super neat handwriting.

Sean has, at this point, managed to say everything he possibly can to Emily about his feelings for her except “I love you.” It’s amazing actually. In the words or Ron Burgundy, I’m not even mad. I’m impressed.  He FINALLY get’s out, “I have fallen in love with you, and I know it without a shadow of a doubt.” The guy might be slower moving, and that’s fine IRL. But this is the Bachelorette, yo! The faster you declare your “feelings of love” the better!

Oh shite, y’all. I was totally wrong. There are fantasy suites! Sean is very gentlemanly about accepting it under the terms of staying up late and talking and cuddling with “no distractions.” The suite has a tiny private pool. I want that. I would also like a tiny private pool with a sexy shirtless, slightly ginger, part time fitness model from Texas in it. Thanks.

    The door to the suite opens, and Sean takes off for the night. Emily makes her statement that as a mom and role model, Sean staying over wouldn’t line up with what she believes in. Good call, Em. So I guess that means I was partially right about the fantasy suite rumors.

Jef, Jef, Jef, Jiffy-Jef-Jef! JEF TIME!!! They are goin’ on a boat ride, and it looks really fun and cool! Jef is also thrilled, and they manage to have a good conversation despite the incessant wind blowing. He tells her that his parents ended up hearing great things about her and that they want to meet her! Yay for their hard-won approval.

    A;dsjflajdsfjlasljfrweurowrndkjvnioe Sorry guys. I just temporarily died because of the things that Jef says about hoping to be the second best thing in Emily’s life to Ricki and hoping he can be that man for her and I DIED. I’M DEAD. BYE, EVERYONE. He describes their relationship as a masterpiece painting that he couldn’t make out at first, but now sees the beauty before him. He broke me. Ouewljjfadsjlfaljdsf

They jump off the boat and Jef paddles boards them to shore so they can cliff jump. He makes her feel adventurous which is really special since she’s not that way on her own. She just glows around him, and you can see the love. Before we cut to commercial they put in a shot of a pelican landing on a rock. Thanks for that producers. Really.

The wee sequined cocktail dress Emily wears to dinner is a beauteous creation. I want it, but I bet it cost about a million dollars. Jef has come with the hard hitting “post-show” questions.

     Where would they live? Emily is open moving to Utah or moving to wherever Jef is.

Why haven’t any relationships in Emily’s past worked? Because she hasn’t had that indescribable spark with anyone she’s dated like she does with Jef. He ignites a self-confidence in her. Awwwwwwww.

Why hasn’t it worked out for Jef? He “hasn’t been able to see the end goal” up until Emily. He’s crazy about Emily and can’t imagine two people more perfect for each other.

Emily tells Jef that she can picture him in her everyday life with Ricki. That’s pretty huge that he’s the guy who comes to mind when she thinks of a father figure for Ricki. As well all know, this thing is just as much about Ricki as it is about Emily.

Jef waddles around the Fantasy Suite question, and says that his family, her daughter and her family would all be watching, and that “there’s a time and a place”. He’s so respectful and such a gentleman, so Emily proposes that they just hang out for a few more hours.

  Their suite is like a beautiful tree house, and as they make-out, Jef voices over that they need to “bridle their passions” and then I laughed forever. Is he an 80 year old pastor from the South in 1930?!?! BRIDLE THEIR PASSIONS?!

Look out everybody, Arie incoming. Emily is on yet another boat waiting for this lovely man. He wants her hand in marriage real bad.

Is it shocking that they make out on the boat first thing, and it’s real intense? Is that a thing that would surprise you? Would it also surprise you to know they make out for the majority of the boat ride?

    Dolphins! They are going swimming with dolphins in the wild! Emily is a little freaked out, but Arie’s confidence and protecting hand makes her feel more comfortable around the coolest animals. Back on the boat, they talk about the highlights of their relationship together. All their favorite moments involve kissing. Could this be a red flag that all they have is something physical? She worries she won’t be able to turn him away from the fantasy suite.

Emily’s wardrobe this episode has been even better than her already amazing wardrobe the whole season. Sheesh! This girl’s stylist is fantastic. So is Arie’s style because we have yet another Henley. Henleys for the win, everyone. Henleys for the win.

     At dinner, Emily grills Arie to reveal more about who he is on a day-to-day basis. She wants to make sure they have something to go on outside of physical attraction. He talks about a typical Tuesday, and what life would be like at the end of the show. She laughs at him pityingly when he says he gets up at 9:30. Bringing Ricki into the equation is important, and Arie takes it upon himself to prove how ready he is to be a father.

Emily tears up talking about how much thought Arie has put into the Ricki part of the equation, and how he’d gain Ricki’s trust, respect, and eventually love. His answer about winning her friendship first was A++, gold stars, 110%.

As a role model and mother, Emily knows that she would just climb Arie like a tree if she had the chance to be alone with him. She doesn’t even give Arie the fantasy suite card because she doesn’t trust herself enough. This is a bummer; she is really sad about it. The kisses they share on the balcony, however, manage to be really, really steamy. She probably made the right call; Chrarrison might have to show up to hose them down.

   I can’t express to you how much I want the silver paillette floor length skirt Emily is wearing for the rose ceremony. It drapes down her body like the proverbial silver lining to a cloud. She and Chrarrison have their gab session, the best times on the show. He brings up her fear of making the wrong decision, and she is confused.

She is unclear as to what to do. Emily has such strong feelings for each guy and sees the whole-picture with each of them. This week is the toughest decision for her yet and you can see how upset and confused she really is. Chrarrison is not helping by pushing the subject.

    Holy feelings and difficult emotions, batman. Each of the three men has left a video message for Emily to say how much they care about her. It’s like their final pleas. Emily breaks down as Chris tells her because she feels so bad about breaking hearts.

Uh-oh. Sean’s starts and he’s kind of yelling at the camera like he’s unaware that he has a mic-pack on. He is head-over heels in love with Emily. He is sweet, but doesn’t delve deep enough for me.

Jef says journey. He is calm, cool, and collected. He is in love. He opens up and promises to defend and protect her and keep her cheeks sore from laughter. He is dressed so well. I can feel myself fraying at the seams.

Arie mentions the word Dollywood in his speech and endears himself to me. He proclaims that his heart is always racing towards her (see what he did there?). His passion comes through even when talking to a lifeless camera as if it were his beloved.

As the messages end, tears are streaming down Emily’s face. She is crying and trying so hard to hold it together to not actually sob. She is scared of the decision she has to make and knows that she’s hurting them so much at the same time.

    We need Emily to rip this Band-Aid off. I need her to make the cut so I can breathe easy. Come on, Em! Let’s go!

I practically puke in the pregnant pause Emily gives before calling Jef first. This is great, but I’m freaking out. I think she might end it with Arie….BUT SHE DOESN’T. I heave a huge sigh of relief, but I also want to cry for Sean. He is so pretty and so kind and so hurt. Emily can’t even look at him she hurts so much for what she did.

   They sit down and he is deflated like a sad golden retriever puppy. The thing is though, his muscles are practically popping out of his shirt as he sits there crying, so…he’s going to be just fine. He’d be a great candidate for the Bachelor. My heart breaks for this guy, but his butt looks really good getting into his getaway car. I want to hold him. Poor puppy. “Honestly, when she walked out tonight I thought ‘there’s my wife,’” and my soul shatters.  He will make a great Bachelor, methinks. You got this, Sean-28!

In the worst transition ever, we get the preview for the Men Tell All! HOLY MEN TELL ALL! Chris the childish dupa, Ryan the turd in turquoise shoes, and Kalon the DouchNugget with a Napoleon complex will all be there to dish!  And then in the final episode, there is confusion and tears and a possible non-happy ending! They are hinting that Emily might not make a choice at all…could this end with heartbreak for everbody? Oh, journeyers, I can hardly wait to find out. Counting the days till we connect again!

   WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!?!

#99 Toy Story - Not Just a Child's Play-thing

It's been just over a month since I had a dinner party at my place for the viewing of the 99th movie on the AFI list. At the rate I'm going, I'll be done with the challenge in...2014...crap...I need to step up my game. But at the risk of sounding despairing, let's just jump right into the run-down on this great American film.

The Good - The Bad - The Reason - The Food

                       The Good:

It's "Toy Story". It's a movie I loved when I was young and have learned to appreciate even more as I've grown up. This is, thanks to the careful crafting of John Lasseter, no accident. It was Pixar's goal when they set out to make a movie that would entertain the kids, but keep the parents happy too.  While this is now the norm, it was really one of the first "kids" movies to cater to both the adults as well as the kids.

It's seriously hilarious. When Buzz gets captured by Sid's little sister and gets all Stockholm-syndromy Mrs. Nesbitt?

              Truly horrifying child-villain Sid was voiced by late-90s teen heartthrob Erik von Detten.

So good.

It's a great story that has universal appeal. I think it's safe to say we all wished out toys would come to life and play along with us. Every single one of my Barbies had a unique name (the villain in the saga was played by a crop-haired fiend named Alanis), and I wished so hard every day that those dolls really came to life. Pixar tapped right into our wildest dreams and made them even cooler than we could have imagined. Best.

The Bad:

I think the bad in this case is more of a reflection on how good CG animation and Pixar has become over the years. The CG in "Toy Story" can at times look current and flawless, but sometimes the early stages of the process show through. There are a couple layers of blockiness they hadn't yet shaved off, and it can look strange. Again, this really reflects more on how far they have come in CG animation.

It's also short. Running at just 77 minutes, the pace moves along at quick a clip and can feel very hurried and a little chaotic. Compare this to "WALL-E" where we spend the first big chunk of the movie with two non-speaking robots, and it's a noticeable difference.

The Reason:

When "Toy Story" came out in 1995, it was the first ever completely CG-animated feature-length film. Now, almost twenty years later, CG-animation has become the absolute norm and it's because of the precedent set by Pixar. And, like I mentioned before, it was one of the very first family films that put jokes and bits in specifically for the parents/adults/older audience members. Just like in "Ben-Hur", I think "Toy Story's" position is based on how many precedents it has set. 

                                          Woody and Buzz Lightyear, voiced by Mayor of Hollywood Tom  Hanks and Michigan-native, Chevy-driving, Campbell’s soup-lover Tim Allen.

There are so many quotable lines that pop-up frequently in our generation. All of Woody's token pull-string phrases get dropped whenever anyone so much as says the word "boot". I dare you to say "Somebody's poisoned THE WATER HOLE!!!" to someone and wait for the inevitable "There's a snake in my boot!" or "Rrrreeeaaach for the skyyyyy"

On an end note, to really get a great idea of the kind of work and time and love went into "Toy Story", I recommend checking out the documentary "The Pixar Story." It's sweet and funny as well as an interesting look at all aspects of their very unique creative process.

The Food!

The obvious choice for the food would have been Pizza Planet pizza, but I didn't feel like slapping together a little 'za. I wanted to make something that would evoke childhood, a simpler time. I wanted the kind of food I would have scarfed down in between the hours of playing with Beanie Babies, Barbies, and Breyer horses (what was my thing about "B" toys?).

                                          This is Tour Guide Barbie from "Toy Story 2". Mattel was hesitant to use Barbie in the first film, unsure of how it would fare in theaters. When it became a huge success, they went in for the 2nd and 3rd.

I went with a six-cheese macaroni and cheese and hot dog casserole. I made a basic white-sauce then added one cup of cheddar, 1/2 cup of smoked cheddar, 1/2 of 4-cheese Italian blend (thanks Kraft!). The bottom of the casserole dish also had some of the Italian blend sprinkled. Mixed in with the cavatappi noodles were Nathan's all-beef hot dogs. Topped off with seasoned breadcrumbs, bacon bits, and parmesan cheese, I popped the dish into the oven until the crust was golden brown and all cheese bubbly.

It.was.so.good. We ate up every last bite.

We took a brief intermission during the movie to eat dessert. I made blonde-brownies following the recipe on the back of Nestle chocolate chips. Then cut them into bars and made ice-cream sandwiches! Delicious and rich and a little difficult to eat.

But it wouldn't feel like childhood if you didn't end up wearing most of your dessert, right?

Henley Monday - I honestly can't remember if I've already posted this shot of Michael Fassbender, such is my post-Oscars hangover. I started eating and drinking at 4:30 and didn't stop until the show ended at 11. It was a marathon. And so today I ask you: have I posted this picture of the Fassbender before? Out was it just a different few pictures of the Fassbender? And really, most importantly, does it matter? He looks great. So screw it. A Henley is a Henley whether or not you've seen it before.