Emily Maynard - Blog Posts

[heart]BREAKING NEWS: The Bachelorette's Emily Maynard and Jef Holm SPLIT

Love is dead.

Well, their love is dead, at least. As followers of the blog remember, we all spent a significant amount of time together last summer following the trials and tribulations of one Emily Maynard in her quest to find lasting true love in a husband and father for her little girl Ricki.

At the finale, all our hearts swelled as she chose Jef Holm, the hip, formerly Mormon entrepreneur of a fresh water charity (link to it here. because fresh water is the only thing more important that true love) with hair high as the heavens and features like an Elvin Prince.

But now, after a few weeks of hushed rumors that the lovebirds were no longer flocking together, Team Jem has officially released statements confirming our worst fears.

I am a realistic person. I realize that the track record of success in the Bachelor franchise is a terrible, terrible track record. I also acknowledge that the ridiculous circumstances of the show don't exactly lend themselves to preparing couples for a real-world relationship after you've scaled mountains together and had private concerts from EFFING DOLLY PARTON.

But the reason we all watched and rooted for our girl Emily was because they got us to care. We cared about her. And I am so so sad that she has once again come up short. The only thing we can do now is hold our loved ones dear until January rolls around and we can have the same thrilling experience when Sean is our Bachelor.

Click here for the Entertainment Weekly story and official statements from both Emily and Jef.

RIP LOVE. And best of luck to Emily Maynard and her adorable moppet.

The Bachelorette - The Finale Recap

   It is finally here. The moment we have been eagerly awaiting for almost three months. Emily Maynard’s final decision and the start of the rest of her life of happiness! When we began our journey back in May, I had no prior knowledge of Ms. Maynard, and was fully prepared to be rooting against her and disliking her entirely. But, over the course of her jouner (ding-ding-ding! Bachelore trademark word!), she has completely won me over. All I want is for her and Ricki to have a happy life and complete family and so many freaking babies.

So let’s kick off! Finally we begin an episode with ZERO montages from the season before. But…we do start with Chris Harrison opening his arms to welcome us to a live studio audience which will watch alongside the rest of America. “The studio audience here is on the edge of their seats!” and the crowd goes WILD! After the Final Rose will also be live because we need to the minute updates on the lives of these three (four counting Ricki) people.

        We are still in Curacao, but now Ricki is here! And the Maynard girls are staying in a regular MANSE with a huge pool with a bridge over it and a private beach. Sheesh. They have all the luck. Emily is really worried about this choice she has to make. She needs “an exceptional man, who will be a great husband and a great dad” truth lady. Truth.

To help her make this decision, we meet Emily’s family who are staying in another manse on the island. Jef is first up to meet the family and he brings flowers for the mom and sister-in-law.

Emily’s mom, dad, brother, and future sister-in-law all sit down for what will be a very intense luncheon. They have good energy even though I’m sure everyone is super nervous and uncomfortable. Mom-Susie pulls Jef aside for a heart-to-heart, and they have just a really sweet and nice conversation. Jef is honest as always with Susie’s hard hitting questions about his intentions and readiness to be a dad.

     HOLY CRAP, GUYS! WE SEE THEM ACTUALLY EATING FOOD. Brother-Ernie has a half eaten Sammie in his hand, Jef is chewing, everything is ok! They have nutrition! Praise the harvest gods of Curacao!

The producers want us to believe that Ernie is going to be all mean and protective of his sister, but he’s a Maynard, so he’s protective in a kind and gentlemanly way. He and Jef chat about true love and if Jef really has a special enough connection (ding-ding-ding!) with her. Jef says “She had love, like, ripped from her. She knows what it feels like, and when she feels it again, she’ll know…And I’ve never been so in love with a girl.” Which…Jef. Oh, Jef. So sweet and beautiful. Ernie and Jef bro-hug it out.

                Now it’s time for Jef and Dad-David to discuss the exact same thing as with every other family member. So we’ll skip that, but Jef asks for his blessing to ask Emily’s hand in marriage. He gives it readily! Thanks, Daddy-David.

Jef feels that the day could not have gone better, but the final step will be for him to meet Ricki. But will she let him?!

After an unneeded interlude from Chrarrison where he says, “First things first, let’s find out!” which doesn’t entirely make sense. I mean, it does, but also, I don’t think it’s exactly accurate? Whatever, it’s Arie-time!

     Arie, in his never ending attempts to make me literally drool over him, wears yet another henley. They all sit down, and it’s soooooooo awkward. He tries to bond with her dad and brother about fishing, and fails. And he goes, “When I’m nervous, I talk a lot!” and he talked…a lot, at least that’s what the producers are having us believe.

I did notice that he didn’t bring flowers or any kind of gift, until he brings out the gift. He bought a box in a Curacao tourist joint and put every rose that Emily’s ever given him into the box. That is so heartfelt and thoughtful and sweet. It’s like he put his heart in a box like Davy Jones only less tragic and literal and kelp-y. “Each of them symbolize this journey [ding-ding-ding!] and adventure,” he says. Mom-Susie is smitten that he would give away something so precious to him.

Mom-susie and Arie have a lovely chat where Arie says, “I just want her to believe in us because I do.” SWOON, GUYS, SWOON. And I think Mom-Susie might be confusing her role in this because she says “I’m blown away. I really thought this would be easy today because of my feelings for Jef…but I just love them both.” Cool it, Mom-Susie. These men are not for you and your feelings.

         Next in succession is Ernie with his discerning eye who kind of accuses Arie of being slick. But Arie geeks out over his love from Emily and the smile broadens on Ernie’s face because love makes you dorky and even a sexy-ass racecar driver gets dorky in love. Ernie, too, is confused about what he should tell Emily as to her choice.

Now Daddy-David and Arie talk, and it’s all rainbows. We can kind of hear the live-studio-audience laughing where there is a dramatic pause after Arie asks for her hand in marriage. This is unnecessary. If there’s one thing the Bachelorette sorely does not need, it’s a laugh-track.

I am not a huge fan of the maxi-dress Emily is wearing today. It appears to be Missoni, but I’m not sure. The top is kind of strange and unflattering and the colors are garish in a not nice way. Anyways, when she sits down with the family to discuss their decision, they can’t give a straight answer. They both seem like real nice “fellas” and she is so ticked that they can’t tell her with whom they have a stronger connection (ding-ding-ding!).

     Mom-susie gives her good advice about needing to fit the guy into Emily and Ricki’s life rather than fit Ricki in Emily and Man’s life. She tells Emily to wait on any kind of engagement until they can figure out what life is really like together.  Emily is confused and sad but mostly confused.

This is the final date with Jef! We see Emily and Ricki being so cute to start it off, they eat breakfast and feed toast crusts to the birds. And then we skip right to Emily and Jef alone on a secluded beach. This date seems so natural and real. There is nothing special going on, so the conversation is just like that between two regular people in love.

     Jef really wants to meet Ricki. He is trying to be gentle about saying, “I freaking NEED to meet this kid!” by skirting that he loves kids and wants a family and that Emily is everything he’s ever wanted. Emily is understandably hesitant because she still carries a guilty conscience that she introduced Brad to Ricki and then it didn’t work out.

Jef tries to show her his perspective, and after a long pause, Emily decides that Jef shall meet Ricki! This is HUGE. HUGE, Y’ALL. I also can’t wait because the cuteness factor is gonna be through the roof.

    To make Ricki the most comfortable, they go to the house they’ve been staying in. They peer through the slatted doors at her playing in the pool. “That’s her!” Emily whispers to Jef’s lighted face. Then they meet and I temporarily loose feeling in my brain because Ricki is all giggling and showing Jef the tricks she can do in the pool. They bond instantly and she wants Jef to play in the pool too. He straps on a pair of matching pink goggles to Ricki’s, and they frolic about in the pool and my brain is dead because he’s so good with kids!

    Jef is so taken with her and loved every second of the fun they had. They feed the iguanas and play with hermit crabs and Ricki shows him all her stuffed animals. I can’t even handle it. Club can’t even handle me right now. Emily, Jef, and I are all in agreement that the day could not have gone better and was a really good decision.

     Now it’s “dinner” time, and I don’t think we’ll be so lucky as to catch them ingesting actual comestibles again. Emily tells Jef the best thing he could ever want to hear that Ricki asked if Jef could come back tomorrow to play. SO CUTE. They are all giggling while kissing and just talking.  

Jef presents her with a book about Curacao which at first blush is kind of lame, but then they open it and Jef has drawn stick figures of them all over the book. She laughs with delight. They are comfortable and easy together. He utters the famed phrase, “I just want to hold her hand until I’m 110.” The best.

Thunder cracks and lightning streaks the sky as Jef says the hardest good-bye of his life to Emily. It’s got to be hard to be so in love with someone, and not sure if you can really be with that person.

Now we’re back in the studio and Chrarrison desperately fills time by asking random audience members what makes Jef special and what they think about Emily being a single mom. Boring. Dumb. Come on! Get to the good-stuff!

   Back at the manse, we hear a knock on the door. Emily is wearing the outfit from the previews where she is having a breakdown. What’s going on!? She has a sense of peace about what she needs to do. She needs the fatherly advice of the sagacious Chris Harrison. They discuss bits and pieces about the guys and Ricki until finally she comes right out and says that Jef is her guy. She’s made up her mind that he is “everything she’s been looking for.” That is so sweet and great, but poor Arie. Oh, no. Poor, poor Arie. But Jef! She’s picking the Elvin King!

Chrarrison is genuinely happy for her, but levels with her about what to do about Arie. She knows she can’t sit through the entire date with Arie without crying and being a wreck. Emily doesn’t know how to even start the conversation that for as much as she loves Arie, she fell in love with someone a little bit more. The best piece of advice is for her to be as honest with Arie as she was with Chrarrison. Let’s hope she can follow through so as to spare some of the hurt and heartbreak.

She’s a wreck and pretty much can’t stop crying. I don’t blame her because she has to rip this guy’s heart in two.

Then we break to unsuspecting Arie at a botanical garden who learns how to make a love potion. He’s so excited and having fun and I just want to protect him. The fact that they’re making a love potion is so cruel. Oh,  the dramatic irony!

Emily is still crying as she approaches Arie at the gardens. By a miracle, she manages to pull it together enough that he can’t tell she’s been weeping all morning. The tone of voice and way she’s treating him is how she treats and talks to Ricki. She is in default mom-mode of trying to care for him. And then they sit down and she loses it. He’s being so good and comforting to her and asking what’s wrong.

     And then he realizes. You see the light behind his eyes die as he figures out that she’s dumping him. He doesn’t understand. How could he? He is the saddest panda in the whole world. She thought it was gonna be them all the way to the end. He is holding back the tears and she is openly weeping. This is rough. This is rough stuff. She barely manages to get out that she just has “more confidence in Jef” and that she meant all the things she ever said to Arie, but it’s hard.

He kisses her on the cheek and goes. “Good luck. I don’t know what else to say,” he manages. And it’s fine that he’s a little angry, but hugs her so hard that we can hear his heart beat on his body mic. It’s racing. That’s sad. His heart is racing because it’s breaking apart. He can barely get into the car with all the equipment, and leave Emily a sobbing mess. This is hard to watch, y’all.

The mood in the studio is somber, everyone’s face is drawn, and one woman wipes away a faux tear. Chris brings us back though as we talk with some former cast members. It’s Ashley and J.P.! They are so cute and in love! Ashley is so lovely and adorable, and J.P. is the epitome of man and charm. We talk to Deanna who commends Emily for sparing Arie the embarrassment of the engagement and not introducing him to Ricki. Then we talk to Bachelor family favorite Michael Stagliano! He has the same nice things to say that it’s really hard to be dumped on TV and that Arie will be just fine. Then the lady herself, Ashley Spivey, comes up in a SKIN TIGHT slamming dress. Sheesh, girl. She is happy for Emily.

     Now it’s all happiness and love back in Curacao. Emily is getting ready for her big day with Ricki who is wearing her super freaking cool fanny pack. Jef meets with resident creepy ring maker, Neil Lane, to pick out his engagement ring. He picks a good one, too. Jef can’t wait to be the best dad and best husband ever, even though he doesn’t know he’s the only guy left!

Emily’s dress is an earthen red clay color, all gossamer and wispy on the bottom, and heavily beaded up top. Very Amazon warrior-esque. I didn’t think I’d like it from the hanger, but she looks beautiful in it, and it moves like a dream. The only thing less than perfect is that I think her little podium of love might be set up right where she dumped Sean and had that sad conversation with him. Maybe not, but still, yeesh.

     The music is swelling, they are so excited! Jef WILL propose! Emily doesn’t know if she’ll say yes! And then he’s there. Jef, in his gorgeously, perfectly tailored navy blue suit with a tiny tie and POCKET SQUARE, is left by Chris Harrison at the gates to love. His smile is wide and his hair is high as he takes a moment to compose himself before approaching Emily.

Oops, y’all, I’m crying. Because Emily can tell him that the whole journey (ding-ding-ding!) was worth it because it brought her to him, her soul-mate. She can finally say that she loves him! So, so much! And she gets to tell him he’s the only one who met Ricki and the only one there today. It’s the best thing he’s ever heard.

     Then he takes her hands and starts being his eloquent self in telling her how much he loves her.  And that “it’s so rare that you find the person you’re meant to be with.” And I’m crying more. And he says, “I think God puts the right people in our lives, when the time is just right. And I feel like that with us.” And the tears are flowing. “I promise that if you let me into your life, and Ricki’s life, that you will never feel lonely again,” he earnestly professes. So earnest. Earnest Jef.

So he gets down on one knee, and shows the cameras the Neil Lane ring box, and asks Emily to marry him. After a pregnant pause, she smiles and says, “yes!” OUR GIRL DID IT! SHE’S ENGAGED TO THE LOVE OF HER LIFE! I’M SO HAPPY FOR HER AND HIM AND RICKI.

    And then to break my happiness they montage their relationship to “Glory of Love” by Peter Cetera because why the eff not to Peter Cetera the epitome of relevance? It’s so lame that I think it might be self-aware at how cheesy it is. Especially at the part when the lyrics are “like a knight in shining armor” and it shows Jef in his kilt shooting a bow and arrow. I’m laughing away my tears now because it’s so dumb happy.

The final image is of Ricki holding Emily’s hand and Emily holding Jef’s hand as they walk away toward their life of happiness together. What a perfectly sweet way to end this journey (DING-DING-DING!!!).

   That brings us to the end of the official episodes of this dramatic season of the Bachelorette. Thank you so much for coming along and reading all the antics of these crazy, wonderful people with me. I really feel confident in our connection, y’all, so I know when the next lucky Bachelor (please God let it be Sean or Arie) comes along, you’ll be right here with me.

Peace and love, Journeyers, peace and love.

The Bachelorette - Men Tell All Recap

     Weeeeeeeee! It’s time for some man gossip and fighting and horrible people getting together in one group! This season had more than a few bad eggs and a few really good eggs too.

Chris Harrison is dapper as ever. My love for this man is profound and deep. I really hope he’s ok going through his divorce while hosting a show about finding love. I will counsel you, Chris! I will sit in an ornate throne and give you advice!

     We kick off with Emily and Chris having a little gab sesh about the highlights of the season. It is all about Ricki. As it should be. But then it quickly turns to profiling the biggest pitfalls of Ryan, Kalon, and poor Humble Doug. It hurts even worse to watch Doug give the mid-breakup kiss once again.

Things are getting off to a slow start as we’re still recapping the season and not down to the nitty gritty yet! But I shouldn’t complain too much because they show some excellent deleted scenes. Emily spilled some wine and swore; Travis and Emily sang Shelly the Egg to bed. I’m peeing my pants. WHAT?!?! TRAVIS! TOO MUCH! Travis is seriously so funny, and I wish they had shown more of his antics.

Arie’s twin (SQUEE) brothers were Disney-channel-style spying on Arie and Emily kissing.

Chris is the absolute worst dancer of all time, and Emily makes a bet with Chrarrison to do the “running man” dance move on the After the Final Rose special…which leads me to believe that she’s happy enough to do the running man. So hopefully the finale won’t end in tragedy as they’re leading us to believe.

Then we get an incredibly dramatic preview of the Bachelor Pad. I’m skipping this. Sorry folks, no energy to recap that hedonistic descent into madness. I will say however that Chris Bukowski is a doucheface of epic proportions. I can’t wait to watch.

    My DVR marks minute 30 when we begin the actual men-telling portion of the men tell all. Oh my gosh, Sean is a dreamboat. He is precious, and the ladies go crazy just at the sound of his name.

Guys, let me be honest right now that recapping this is really difficult because the show itself is a bunch of clips recapping the whole season. Doug was a center for drama; Kalon sucks ass; Ryan is a cocky dweeb with jizz hair whose exit the men celebrate. These are things we know to be true.

We have the maturity conversation with Chris being 25 once again. Chris and Ryan spar a little and actually, Ryan is kind of in the right. What he wants to say is that Chris is easily offended, Ryan has more confidence, and that at the end of the day, maturity didn’t matter because none of them ended up with Emily. These are things we know to be true!

Oh god, I totally forgot about Stevie the party MC you guys. He’s such a dweebus.

We have Kalon up in the hot seat now for the real good stuff. Chris Harrison deals with him in the best way. Basically saying, “You were being an ass and there are better ways to say things than how you say them, you ass.” KALON ISN’T EVEN SORRY FOR SAYING “I love it when you talk, but not until I’m finished.” He has learned nothing from this and never will. Boo hiss.

   Oh my gosh. Sean is a dream man. Here is what he says to Kalon re: baggage, “If you truly want to win a woman’s heart and ultimately find love, you love the woman and embrace every part of her. Part of Emily is Ricki.” Oh my gosh. What a mensch.

                            Ryan is next up on the hot seat.  We recap some of his best and worst moments. My favorite is when he used the word “neat.” Ryan has become a few shades deeper orange and fixed his jizz hair, but still has that terrible Seneca Crane beard. He’s a mess. He just keeps running his mouth and everyone is groaning in agony.  HE FOUND HIS JOURNAL THE OTHER DAY! His journal that he was so excited to maybe finding his wife. And Chris calls bull shit. “That’s poetic and all! But Emily is the Bachelorette! You have to fall in love with her!” and not some random woman.

Straight up: Ryan believes there is no chance whatsoever that he is an arrogant ass.  And Chrarrison puts everyone’s minds at ease that as far as Ryan becoming the next Bachelor, “not gonna happen.” Chris is just basically laughing at Ryan the whole time. I love you, Chrarrison.

It is Chris Bukowski’s turn on the hot seat. I have not missed his eagle beak one bit. He does stand by the fact that he “loved that girl 110%” which is actually okay by me. I don’t dislike the guy for being in love with a girl; I dislike him for having a kind of false arrogance and immaturity. He really isn’t mature enough yet. I think he’s in the middle of growing into the man he’ll become still. I also appreciate that he only has good things to say about Emily and the experience. That’s good of him. But he looks like he’s a real dumbass on the Bachelor Pad so we’ll see how much he really grew.

         Finally (finally, right? This thing has been dragging) we bring Sean up to the hot seat. Dear, wonderful, lovely Sean. I would like to call back the fact that I predicted he’d get really far when he was getting a lot of screen time the first few episodes without having any Emily time. It’s because he’s such a HUNK. A sad hunk. A heartbroken hunk. He’s still in the throes of getting over Emily because this is baby’s first heartbreak. Truly. He’s never had his heart broken before. I will help you mend, Sean-28. I know you have a long list of volunteers, but I am officially submitting my name to that list.

Emily comes on stage! Holy red dress with giant boobs! Tony ran up to hug her. Weird. I feel so bad that she calls out that it’s good to see Sean. He still wants her back! OH GOSH! THE PAIN! Emily opened a lot of eyes to the world of love, apparently. Chris and Sean both thank her for this. This woman is like a superhero.

    OH SHIT! Kalon tries to apologize to Emily and say that he will grow from this experience and she just goes, “And you, my dear, should be a politician because that is the biggest load of bullshit.” She is so awesome. She just tears him up and shuts him down. “I just pray that you find hope in something bigger than your Prada shoes and your rented helicopter.” I love her. High fives for everyone.

It’s bloopers time, bitches! Lots of wind antics blowing things over,the men go streaking through the woods, lots of nakedness, and lots of falling down on Vespas. I laughed a lot, please go to the internet and find the full reel.

Ok, so that wraps up a rather dull Men Tell All for what was a pretty dramatic season. The finale will be dramatic and romantic and full of lone shots of Emily walking and looking pensieve. We’ll see you next SUNDAY for the epic finale of this journey to find real love. PS – Jef said, “I just want to hold her hand ‘til I’m one hundred and ten.” And I cried one perfect, singular tear. FOR LOVE!

The Bachelorette - Episode 9 Recap

        By the tropical citrus flavored liqueur colored waters of Curaçao (Click the link. Educate yourself. It's the least I can do for encouraging this weekly drivel) is where we will live out the rest of our long day’s journey into love. It is all Dutch Caribbean and beautiful as Emily arrives for the toughest decision of her life.

                  Now this is the episode during which normally there would be a fantasy suite date. I have heard tell from various sources however that Emily requested there be no fantasy suite. I respect this choice as she is aware that this show is something that her daughter will one day see. These are only rumors though, so we’ll see what happens.

Once again, we start the episode with a little montage and voice over of Emily wrapping up each relationship just in case you haven’t been paying close enough attention for the last two months.

Sean is an all American sweetheart stud. Jef is an “edgy”, caring, calm voiced Elf King. And Arie…sweet Arie, is something special. Emily actually gets a little teary eyed talking about just how wonderful Arie is and how much she feels for him. My money is on him for taking the whole thing home.

           But along the perfect blue Curacao waters, Emily worries. She worries about making the right choice, and she worries about hurting people’s feelings. We can see that the emotional breakdown is imminent as a tough decision is ahead of her.

The first date is with Sean who appears in blue toms, a blue v-neck, and what I’ll call neon coral shorts. So cute. I love a man confident enough to wear bold colors. There’s finally a helicopter ride! This season has been especially lacking in the helicopter department, and I was beginning to worry none of these guys would get to squeal over the prospect of floating over scenic places in awkward headsets.

The thing about Sean is that he is a perfect guy. His family is perfect. His face is perfect. Lord knows his body is perfect. He is the nicest guy imaginable, but I just don’t know if he’s the right guy for Emily. Everything about him is perfect, but there isn’t that apparent electricity between them like with her and Arie or Jef.

     He has been skirting around telling Emily he loves her for like the whole entire private island date. And she finally says, “Sometimes you’re a little hard to read,” and he painstakingly and awkwardly manages to NOT tell her he loves her!

He then points out the snorkel gear, so they do a gentle strip tease to go snorkeling. They make out in the sunset waters. Come on, Sean! Get it together! Tell her you love her!

On a personal note, the fact that he has a little ginger in him makes him all the more attractive to me. Because, Fun Fact about Cassie: I love gingers most of all. I think this is probably my service to humanity because they need all the love they can get.

HENLEY ALERT! Sean is wearing a henley for the romantic beach date! Oh that’s the best of all possible worlds. Emily is hopeful that during this romantic dinner that “she planned”, he will finally open up to her.

    Oy, for the love of poodles with the number of letters these guys write. Sean has written Ricki a letter of love as an introduction and reads it. It’s very formulaic, but dammit, he gets choked up and so do I. He also has super neat handwriting.

Sean has, at this point, managed to say everything he possibly can to Emily about his feelings for her except “I love you.” It’s amazing actually. In the words or Ron Burgundy, I’m not even mad. I’m impressed.  He FINALLY get’s out, “I have fallen in love with you, and I know it without a shadow of a doubt.” The guy might be slower moving, and that’s fine IRL. But this is the Bachelorette, yo! The faster you declare your “feelings of love” the better!

Oh shite, y’all. I was totally wrong. There are fantasy suites! Sean is very gentlemanly about accepting it under the terms of staying up late and talking and cuddling with “no distractions.” The suite has a tiny private pool. I want that. I would also like a tiny private pool with a sexy shirtless, slightly ginger, part time fitness model from Texas in it. Thanks.

    The door to the suite opens, and Sean takes off for the night. Emily makes her statement that as a mom and role model, Sean staying over wouldn’t line up with what she believes in. Good call, Em. So I guess that means I was partially right about the fantasy suite rumors.

Jef, Jef, Jef, Jiffy-Jef-Jef! JEF TIME!!! They are goin’ on a boat ride, and it looks really fun and cool! Jef is also thrilled, and they manage to have a good conversation despite the incessant wind blowing. He tells her that his parents ended up hearing great things about her and that they want to meet her! Yay for their hard-won approval.

    A;dsjflajdsfjlasljfrweurowrndkjvnioe Sorry guys. I just temporarily died because of the things that Jef says about hoping to be the second best thing in Emily’s life to Ricki and hoping he can be that man for her and I DIED. I’M DEAD. BYE, EVERYONE. He describes their relationship as a masterpiece painting that he couldn’t make out at first, but now sees the beauty before him. He broke me. Ouewljjfadsjlfaljdsf

They jump off the boat and Jef paddles boards them to shore so they can cliff jump. He makes her feel adventurous which is really special since she’s not that way on her own. She just glows around him, and you can see the love. Before we cut to commercial they put in a shot of a pelican landing on a rock. Thanks for that producers. Really.

The wee sequined cocktail dress Emily wears to dinner is a beauteous creation. I want it, but I bet it cost about a million dollars. Jef has come with the hard hitting “post-show” questions.

     Where would they live? Emily is open moving to Utah or moving to wherever Jef is.

Why haven’t any relationships in Emily’s past worked? Because she hasn’t had that indescribable spark with anyone she’s dated like she does with Jef. He ignites a self-confidence in her. Awwwwwwww.

Why hasn’t it worked out for Jef? He “hasn’t been able to see the end goal” up until Emily. He’s crazy about Emily and can’t imagine two people more perfect for each other.

Emily tells Jef that she can picture him in her everyday life with Ricki. That’s pretty huge that he’s the guy who comes to mind when she thinks of a father figure for Ricki. As well all know, this thing is just as much about Ricki as it is about Emily.

Jef waddles around the Fantasy Suite question, and says that his family, her daughter and her family would all be watching, and that “there’s a time and a place”. He’s so respectful and such a gentleman, so Emily proposes that they just hang out for a few more hours.

  Their suite is like a beautiful tree house, and as they make-out, Jef voices over that they need to “bridle their passions” and then I laughed forever. Is he an 80 year old pastor from the South in 1930?!?! BRIDLE THEIR PASSIONS?!

Look out everybody, Arie incoming. Emily is on yet another boat waiting for this lovely man. He wants her hand in marriage real bad.

Is it shocking that they make out on the boat first thing, and it’s real intense? Is that a thing that would surprise you? Would it also surprise you to know they make out for the majority of the boat ride?

    Dolphins! They are going swimming with dolphins in the wild! Emily is a little freaked out, but Arie’s confidence and protecting hand makes her feel more comfortable around the coolest animals. Back on the boat, they talk about the highlights of their relationship together. All their favorite moments involve kissing. Could this be a red flag that all they have is something physical? She worries she won’t be able to turn him away from the fantasy suite.

Emily’s wardrobe this episode has been even better than her already amazing wardrobe the whole season. Sheesh! This girl’s stylist is fantastic. So is Arie’s style because we have yet another Henley. Henleys for the win, everyone. Henleys for the win.

     At dinner, Emily grills Arie to reveal more about who he is on a day-to-day basis. She wants to make sure they have something to go on outside of physical attraction. He talks about a typical Tuesday, and what life would be like at the end of the show. She laughs at him pityingly when he says he gets up at 9:30. Bringing Ricki into the equation is important, and Arie takes it upon himself to prove how ready he is to be a father.

Emily tears up talking about how much thought Arie has put into the Ricki part of the equation, and how he’d gain Ricki’s trust, respect, and eventually love. His answer about winning her friendship first was A++, gold stars, 110%.

As a role model and mother, Emily knows that she would just climb Arie like a tree if she had the chance to be alone with him. She doesn’t even give Arie the fantasy suite card because she doesn’t trust herself enough. This is a bummer; she is really sad about it. The kisses they share on the balcony, however, manage to be really, really steamy. She probably made the right call; Chrarrison might have to show up to hose them down.

   I can’t express to you how much I want the silver paillette floor length skirt Emily is wearing for the rose ceremony. It drapes down her body like the proverbial silver lining to a cloud. She and Chrarrison have their gab session, the best times on the show. He brings up her fear of making the wrong decision, and she is confused.

She is unclear as to what to do. Emily has such strong feelings for each guy and sees the whole-picture with each of them. This week is the toughest decision for her yet and you can see how upset and confused she really is. Chrarrison is not helping by pushing the subject.

    Holy feelings and difficult emotions, batman. Each of the three men has left a video message for Emily to say how much they care about her. It’s like their final pleas. Emily breaks down as Chris tells her because she feels so bad about breaking hearts.

Uh-oh. Sean’s starts and he’s kind of yelling at the camera like he’s unaware that he has a mic-pack on. He is head-over heels in love with Emily. He is sweet, but doesn’t delve deep enough for me.

Jef says journey. He is calm, cool, and collected. He is in love. He opens up and promises to defend and protect her and keep her cheeks sore from laughter. He is dressed so well. I can feel myself fraying at the seams.

Arie mentions the word Dollywood in his speech and endears himself to me. He proclaims that his heart is always racing towards her (see what he did there?). His passion comes through even when talking to a lifeless camera as if it were his beloved.

As the messages end, tears are streaming down Emily’s face. She is crying and trying so hard to hold it together to not actually sob. She is scared of the decision she has to make and knows that she’s hurting them so much at the same time.

    We need Emily to rip this Band-Aid off. I need her to make the cut so I can breathe easy. Come on, Em! Let’s go!

I practically puke in the pregnant pause Emily gives before calling Jef first. This is great, but I’m freaking out. I think she might end it with Arie….BUT SHE DOESN’T. I heave a huge sigh of relief, but I also want to cry for Sean. He is so pretty and so kind and so hurt. Emily can’t even look at him she hurts so much for what she did.

   They sit down and he is deflated like a sad golden retriever puppy. The thing is though, his muscles are practically popping out of his shirt as he sits there crying, so…he’s going to be just fine. He’d be a great candidate for the Bachelor. My heart breaks for this guy, but his butt looks really good getting into his getaway car. I want to hold him. Poor puppy. “Honestly, when she walked out tonight I thought ‘there’s my wife,’” and my soul shatters.  He will make a great Bachelor, methinks. You got this, Sean-28!

In the worst transition ever, we get the preview for the Men Tell All! HOLY MEN TELL ALL! Chris the childish dupa, Ryan the turd in turquoise shoes, and Kalon the DouchNugget with a Napoleon complex will all be there to dish!  And then in the final episode, there is confusion and tears and a possible non-happy ending! They are hinting that Emily might not make a choice at all…could this end with heartbreak for everbody? Oh, journeyers, I can hardly wait to find out. Counting the days till we connect again!

   WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!?!

The Bachelorette - Episode 8 Recap

       I have been prancing around and singing “Hometown dates! Hometown dates! Toniiiight aaare the hometown daaates!” all day long. It is time, journeyers, time to meet the families of these men. Their families that may make or break them. This cut is always the very hardest I think, and I’m saying right here right now at 6:53pm 7/2/2012, as I prepare to watch the beautiful mess, that Chris is going home tonight and will be the final mystery man on Bachelor Pad*.

              Let us begin! Emily gets to spend some much needed time with her adorable daughter Ricki who clings to her like a baby koala. Ricki is one seriously adorable child, and I love the little scenes where we get to see how great a mom Emily is. I really want this to work out for them.

Just in case you haven’t been paying attention all season long, Emily spends a good couple of minutes recapping each remaining relationship. It all boils down to these basic facts about Chris, Jef, Arie, and Sean: they are nice guys who make Emily feel special and have “qualities” that Emily would look for in a husband. The standouts are Arie and Jef, with Sean close behind, and Chris bringing up the far rear running and waving his arms to be noticed and practically shouting, “HEY! Remember me?!” Emily is a good deal nervous for these dates though, and can we blame her? Meeting someone’s family is hard enough, but with a full camera crew and the knowledge that the whole event will be aired on television, the nerves would be pretttyyy high.

                  First stop is Chris! We get a lot of sweeping shots of the sexy, sexy beast that is Chicago in all its glory. Chris is a big fart, but Emily and he reunite in front of the historic Water Tower because “it’s the closest thing we have to a castle”. Which…false. Has he ever heard of a little thing called the Prairie District? They walk hand in hand down Michigan Avenue like happy tourists. Mr. Sam the Eagle actually made me chuckle at his comment that “On a scale from one to Polish...we’re Polish,” re: his first generation immigrant family. As a second gen-er myself, I can really relate, but I sure hope the Bukowski’s do us proud.

         At the famous Chicago eatery “Polish-American Restaurant”, they have a heart-to-heart about the last discussion they had in Prague. She thinks it’s so nice that Chris is man enough to admit when he’s wrong, but I think he acts like a big baby in time out and only apologizes when he feels he won’t get his way.

Deep in the farm lands far, far away from the city itself is where we find Chris’s family home. They welcome her with open arms and gather around a full dinner table for the meeting. I do believe I spy some pierogis on the table and several other Polish dishes that NO ONE WILL TOUCH BECAUSE THEY DON’T EAT ON THIS SHOW.

His dad, John, pulls Emily aside to talk to her. He’s a sweet man who, of course, loves his son very much. When Emily asks him if he’s ready to be a father to Ricki, he answers, “He will do his best”. As he’s talking, you can see that the apple did not fall far from the tree. John has the exact same mannerisms as Chris when he talks.

Chris’ very lovely mom makes sure he knows that “if you really love this woman, then you’ve got to get out there and kick ass and fight for her.” Chris’ sister Renee puts Emily under fire that if he is not the one and will end up broken hearted, that she should let him go “sooner rather than later”. Harsh words, but knowing Emily, she will do what her heart tells her and be merciful in the breakup.

      Emily and Chrissy have a cuddles moment outside in which Emily is physically pulling away from him. He tells her that he is “Definitely in love with her” and then they have more than just a few grandma kisses. Then, BLESS MY SOUL, there is a traditional Polish band and dance in the family’s backyard! So cute and fun! It should be noted that for however good we are at cooking and embroidery, we are not the best at making good music. And so ends the hometown with Chris. Nothing too groundbreaking on either a good or bad side, but I just don’t think this guy has a snowball’s chance in hell.

      St. George, Utah! All aboard! Jef’s family ranch is huge and surrounded by a national park. Holmstead Ranch is a sweeping masterpiece of landscape that they travel about in an ATV. I’m so jealous on so many levels.

And then they go skeet shootin’! “Who knew Jef in his skinny jeans was such a good shot?” Who knew, indeed, Emily? She’s nervous because he hit all the clay pigeons, but I have faith in our West Virginia girl. She hits them all, and goes, “I may or may not have pretended not to know how to hold a shot gun!” She uses a whole bunch of other guns like a pro. I don’t know why this endears me to her so much, but it really does. Jef and she have such a good thing going on here. They have that easy going thing where they can do anything at all and still have fun.

         Emily’s still hung up on the fact that Jef once broke up with a girl because his family didn’t like her. She is going to have to “work her charm” which is true, but I can’t imagine her Southern graces failing her at all.

Holy Mormonism, y’all. Jef has a ton of family members and sisters with babies on their hips. So many. So many like a beautiful army, and it’s not even all of them. It reminds me of that sketch from Portlandia where Fred and Carrie go to the free-range chicken farm, Aliki Farms, and join the commune as they fall in love with Aliki, and Jef is Aliki in this case.

     This time the fake-meal is a beautiful family picnic, and we’re assured that the toast is a “lemonade toast” because they are super Mormon. I’m a little disappointed that Jef’s brothers are nowhere near as good looking or cool as he is.

Emily keeps fidgeting and adjusting her clothes during her talk with Jef’s brother Steve. She is super nervous about making a good impression on them because she cares so much about him. The chat with the sisters was kind of like a firing range on the View. So many women sitting and grilling Emily and all agreeing he’d be a good father. At the very end, one of the little beans interrupts, and the children flock to her. She just fits right in and wins eeeverybody over. The family all give her two thumbs up, at least to camera.\

      Oh no, Jef wrote down some things that he will read to her now at this very scenic lookout. Hopefully, it’s less bad than Ryan’s horrible letters. Oh. Ok. It is better. It’s a list of things he loves about her and gets choked up about it. I might get the goose bumps because oh.my.gosh. It’s so sweet. He lists all the very little things he loves and promises to love Ricki too. I can’t believe that’s real. That’s a real thing. “It feels perfect inside my heart,” is how Emily sums it up.

Arie-time! Arie time! We meet up with him at the racetrack in Arizona! “I just wanted him to park the car so I could kiss him...Arie definitely looks...stupid hot,” Emily says when he finally gets out of the Indy car. Girl, you got it good right now. They go racing around the track together for funzies.

    At a little picnic, Arie reveals that he’s nervous for his very European (Dutch) parents to meet Emily. He warns that his mother will be the most closed-minded about the whole thing which spurs the little lovebirds to drink! Yay wine! Also yay to the phallic symbol fountain that we admire from afar and up close.

We meet Arie senior, his mom, his twin (SQUEE) brothers, and his lovely sister. They are one beautiful family. Leave it to the Dutch to be stunning. The conversation seems nice until they all start speaking in Dutch in front of her. “So rude!” quoth my friend Jenny, and I must agree. Finally, FINALLY, Arie breaks down and translates for her. It was general small talk, but still, a rude and unwelcoming thing to do.

      Arie’s mom is a little bit...risqué? Is that the word we want? She’s wearing a dress that accentuates her bust and shows her sequined bra strap. She is very tan. This is purely judgmental, but she seems like the crazy lady who is a gold-digger but hires a sexy pool boy to seduce while her husband’s away.

Emily and she have a standard conversation about whether or not Arie is ready for fatherhood. But she does level with Emily that being married to a racecar driver is a difficult life with how much they travel. By the end, the woman has kind of won me over, and she says, “I can’t wait for her to choose him, and they can be together.  They will make an awesome couple!”

    Coming out of the date, the “awesome couple” feel great about how the meeting went. It seems like the best hometown date so far. No shocker there. “I am ready to propose. I am definitely going to marry Emily, and I don’t think of it any other way,” proclaims Arie, and hearts all over America melt to goo.

Last stop, Dallas! We come upon smokin’ Sean and his sexy, sexy dogs. They walk the dogs and pick wildflowers and do some generally cute stuff.

      Some secret drama happens with Sean later, and we here at HQ are speculating that it is either a “Jane Eyre” Mr. Rochester deal where he’s keeping his crazy wife in the attic or it’s a “Psycho” special where he’s keeping his dead mother’s corpse in the basement. Attic or basement? Basement or attic? Time will reveal...

We meet his beautiful blonde family including two lovely moppets. His niece Kensington (seriously?) has a playhouse, but it is like a legit miniature house complete with its own air conditioning unit. It’s called Kensington Cottage which really triggers the old gag reflex. Of course, Emily wins her right over with cooing over the place.

     OH MY GOSH! IT’S PRACTICALLY AN ATTIC BOMB THAT SEAN DROPS! IT’S THE BIGGEST BOMB  THAT SEAN STILL LIVES AT HOME! HE IS 28 AND STILL LIVES AT HOME! HE HASN’T EVEN CLEANED UP.

Wait. He’s got to be pulling a practical joke. There are stuffed animals everywhere and broken cookies. This is an elaborate joke. THANK GOD! It IS a joke. Emily is indignant and kind of barely laughs because she was so sure that he was serious.

       Sean’s family is, of course, incredibly sweet and gracious. His father just has that kind of lovely glow and seems like a pastor/guidance counselor. He is a great man who just adores Emily and would welcome her into that family. His mother is equally kind and sweet.

Yet another great hometown on the bill. So great in fact that Sean chases after her car to give her just a few more kisses at the other side of the cul-de-sac. Sadly, we only see them from a distance because the camera guy couldn’t quite run there fast enough.    

Chris Harrison, dapper as ever, greets Emily for the rose ceremony in Los Angeles. Emily’s hair is high and close to God tonight, yeehaw. They recap everything that happened on the hometowns. Each one went really well and she loved all the families which is why she starts to breakdown talking about the cut she has to make. Like I said, this is the toughest cut to make, and she doesn’t want anyone’s family to think it was because of them.

   Here we go with the rose ceremony. First up is Arie in the least surprising event of all time. Next we got Sir Jef, Prince of the Goblins of Holmstead Ranch. Now it’s down to Sean and Chris......................it’s Sean! It’s Sean! Chris literally slumps in defeat when the ax falls.

He spits, “I’m not too surprised, to be honest with you.” And is really taking this like a dick and kind of disrespects her as she’s being so gracious to him. “I mean, how much faster could it move?! I told you that I loved you!” he interrupts, and she’s totally taken aback. I think it probably only solidified her decision in letting him fly. On his bye-bye limo ride he says he’s ten times the man than any of those men left in there to which I say HAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!  NOT THE TRUTH. “Stimt nicht” as they say auf Deutsh.

     But next week on the show we’re traveling to Curacao. Yet another place the gents can’t find on a map! There are a lot of very pretty sunset water kisses and swimming with dolphins and a very emotional breakdown for Emily. It’s also fantasy suit time you guys which means sexy, sexy kiss, kiss time.

I don’t normally bring up the final credits scene, but this was so exceptional. It featured Sean’s adorable, dorky dad. He pulls a Texas specialty out of the oven covered in tin foil, and tells Emily it’s Sean’s favorite. He reveals “steamed armadillo”! Like, a whole armadillo laying in a roasting pan of vegetables.  Emily, again, tries to be such a Southern lady until the dad squeals out that it’s just a joke! He giggles along with the rest of the family members. His dad totally keeps that fake armadillo around just to pull this joke on any and all northerners who come to their house. And for him, it never gets old. It was really his time to shine, and boy did he ever. Sean’s dad is the best!

Until we connect again next week, y’all!

*Turns out my super sleuthing logic skills were right. Chris Bukowski joins the upcoming season of the Bachelor Pad. Click here for more information on the full cast!

The Bachelorette - Episode 7 Recap

    After spending several weeks at home and abroad with this gaggle of men, surely I’m not the only who recognizes that they are perhaps not the brightest  group of individuals. So this week in Prague, I’m sure they’ll be delighted to find out it is indeed a part of Europe, and no, it’s no longer Czechoslovakia. Regardless, I’m sure the romance quotient will be high, so let’s move onwards toward the mackin’ and the fightin’ in the final episode before home towns!

              Prague is picturesque and gorgeous as Emily voices over the classic Bachelorette shots of her walking around alone looking pensive. The men arrive to meet Chrarrison in a square on foot as they find out that this week there will be three one-on-ones and one group date. With home towns looming, the stakes are higher than ever.

Arie has the first one-one-one where they’ll “Czech out Prague together”. Good pun but another boring walk around the city date? I don’t miss the Fear Factor style dates from Ben’s season, but can we do something more special? I guess the occasion is special enough for Emily to bust out her glittery formal shorts though.

             They wander about and kiss and do touristy things that will bring you luck in love just like in all the other cities. But Emily is questioning his loyalty because she knows something personal about him that he doesn’t know she knows. Secrets, secrets that they let us know in the previews…

WHY ABC? WHY, PRODUCTION TEAM? Why did we decide that having Chris Harrison give a short monologue in front of the Bachelor Mansion about Arie’s “brief past relationship with Bachelor producer Cassie [no relation] Lambert” was the best idea?! We get the key information, but at what cost?

           Cassie told Emily all about it, and we caught that conversation on camera. Emily is less upset that they actually dated and more upset that Arie hasn’t even acknowledged that he knows this woman who has become pretty close friends with Emily during the show. “It’s not a production thing; this is a real life thing. I know something about Arie that he’s not telling me,” is how she boils it all down.

Back on the date, Emily is grilling Arie about loyalty and trustworthiness to see if she can bring it out of him. Having seen enough sitcoms to know, playing games around it will never work. She needs to just be “upfront and honest, almost too honest” as Arie himself says.

Oh my gosh, nooooo. No more weird Chris Harrison monologues from the too-sunny Bachelor Mansion! But I guess they HAVE TO because Arie, Emily, and Cassie all had “a very honest discussion about the relationship…OFF CAMERA” (emphasis mine). Ok, I get it that these are real people’s lives and emotions we’re dealing with but those same people also agreed to “find love” through a TELEVISED SHOW. Emily and Arie both come to agree that the relationship was so brief that it didn’t matter and still doesn’t affect how much those two want to bang.

They have a lovely river boat cruise and are all lovey-dovey with each other about the whole misunderstanding. Do I even need to tell you that they don’t eat any food and kiss a lot? They don’t, and they do.

         The next one-on-one date will go to JohnWolf. He’s the last remaining guy to not have a one-on-one and is very relieved to receive a date card reading “in Prague, all you need is love.” Chris is livid that he isn’t getting a date, but doesn’t want to lose his cool in front of the guys even though it is “killing him inside.” Take it easy, Chris.

Arie and Emily are cruising along already talking about how excited Arie is for her to meet his family. Then he drops the bomb! He says, “Can I tell you something?...I’ve just been thinking a lot about all of this and you...Actually, Croatia did it for me. I think that’s why I love Croatia so much. I think I realized that I love you.” And their heads get closer and closer together. And she is just beaming joy. It is a game changer. They watch fireworks over the city and the river together. Watch out, boys. Arie-man is in town for good.

                              JohnWolf gets his very first date with our Bachelorette. He is wearing light blue pants. They’re on an architecture cruise with no tour guide (WHY) and walk around the city. They come upon the John Lennon wall and Emily gives a kind of plain and simple explanation about it and freedom vs. communism and music? I don’t know. Then they do this thing where they write names on a lock and lock it to this fence to solidify love. That seems a little soon. But no matter, John and Emily had a hard time closing the lock which is a terrible omen they both agree.

Arie, back in the harem, brings up exactly what I was just thinking of poor, dear JohnWolf. “He is fighting an uphill battle,” Arie tells a pensive crowd. John is having a first date the day after Arie felt strongly enough about this woman to say that he loved her. It’s just not a contest he’s going to be able to win.

Of course, Chris is being a whiny little princess that he can’t spend time with Emily. He’s sick of the process and just goes to make himself a drink. He’s lucky the view from his sad window is spectacular.

               So, someone on the production team thought it would be a hoot for John and Emily to have their dinner in a dungeon, an ancient, cold, damp dungeon. Perfect. Almost as perfect for romance as the Tower of London. Keep in with the torture theme, John tells the story of his last love and how he was spurned. His girlfriend disappeared for three days and cheated on him “with some doctor dude.” Emily feels bad about this like any normal human would, but you can sense her having the mothering sympathy for him rather than girlfriend sympathy. She did this with brain-injury Charlie, Nate (the guy who cried in the cave), and poor Travis. Not a good sign for Wolfie. Despite sitting on opposite sides of the settee, they share a wee kiss.

                    The group date card comes in for Sean, Doug, and Chris. Chris is maaaad, but I am thrilled because that means more solo Jef time! John coming home from the date sparks something inside Sean to go running through the streets of Praha calling Emily’s name to find her. He wanders about and finally finds her down a long covered street. She is happy to see him and lights up looking at him there on that street. They grab a beer in a random café. For my money, that would be the perfect date in Prague, not some dungeon. It pays off for Sean too as they make-out in there and on the street. Maybe he’ll be the one getting the group date rose.

                     Rural Czech Republic is like a fairytale town which is a great setting for this group date. Oh my gosh, a new mode of transportation! A rainy day carriage ride with three huge men, one tiny lady, and too many umbrellas. They get to the top of the hill to explore an incredible 13th century castle. Humble Doog gives a gracious toast to Emily, but she’s still unsure of the chemistry between them.

             They have a talk in a castle tower, and Emily correctly points out that his body language is off and he apologizes for touching her. It’s just not happening. With a crack of thunder, Emily declares she knows what she has to do.

She talks to him about how he’s moving so slow that there’s no movement. He kisses her. I groan in discomfort. She says thank you, but still goes through with letting him go because she has too much respect for him to keep him away from his son. This poor, poor man. He is a humble Doog, but a good Doog. I think he’s truly hit from the blind side by it. He wants so badly for his son to have a mom and a full family. Ohhh, that hits me in the heart. Right in the heart-bone. Good luck to you and Austin, Doug!

                Now it’s an impromptu two-on-one with Chris and Sean and one rose. She and Sean break away first after a weird key to “unlock the chat” gimmick. They have generic meeting the family talk and then have kissy time both there and in the tower stairwell. It’s not as hot and heavy as she an Arie, but the chemistry is definitely there.

Chris is planning on confronting Emily about why he didn’t get a one-on-one. Oh, great idea, Chris. Spend what precious little time you have with this woman pressuring her about her decision making skills. Perfect. The conversation is strained and boring because Chris is a vacuous butthead. She closed-lips kisses him a couple times while Chris voices over that he thinks he’s falling in love with her.

Based on the kisses Emily and Sean shared both the night before and this night, Sean is the shoe-in for the rose. She does give the rose to Sean while Chris just boils in his skin. He is insulted that she would want to meet Sean’s family over his. If I didn’t dislike this guy before, I really don’t like him at all now.

                 No matter about that stupid angry Muppet, it’s JEF TIME! The date card said “pull at my heartstrings” and that is, obviously, puppetry related. They visit a puppet/marionette shop! The puppeteer makes the Michael Jackson (RIP) marionette dance, and they joke around about other puppets. They are so cute together, but I cannot get over that this is just a little freaky and weird. When the two of them leave with the two marionettes of themselves, Jef runs back in to buy a tiny princess marionette to make sure they had Ricki too. How incredibly sweet is that? Kill me. It’s so sweet.

           I literally gasped out loud when they walk into the most beautiful library I’ve ever seen in my whole life. It’s like the library from Beauty and the Beast it’s so beautiful. So, what better location to reenact the highlights of their relationship thus far with puppets? Wait, what? This is getting weirder. I guess it works because the two of them are so goofy together, and they actually totally win me over with how precious it actually is.

I hate how much this is so cute. I laugh out loud at their puppet comedy. Via puppet, Jef says that he is “One hundred, no, one million per cent in love with her…Can we get a dog together?” and then I DIED. I DIED FROM HOW ADORABLE THAT IS. They mack and then their puppets hit faces because of it. Cheers to the camera guy and editors who pieced that mirror imaging together.

                  Ok, so the one thing I’m nervous about with Jef is his family situation. Emily won’t be meeting his parents because they’re in South Carolina and “committed to some stuff for a few years out there.” Really? Years? So Jef’s two brothers (THANK GOD) and two sisters (the third is in China) will be there. He admits that he once broke up with a girl because his family didn’t like her, which is scary, but I don’t think Emily has anything to worry about there.

They snuggle up on the floor and look up at the library and talk about marriage and living together and kids and their future. That is a really serious conversation, but it comes so natural to them. The chemistry is easy and great and just always there for those two. AND THEN I DIE AGAIN BECAUSE HE SAYS, “I wanna date you so hard and marry the f*** outta you.” LIKE, FOR REAL? REAL MEN EXIST WHO SAY SHIT LIKE THAT? ALTHOUGH I GUESS HE’S MORE AN ELF KING/GOBLIN PRINCE THAN A MAN SO MAYBE IT IS STILL ONLY MYTH BUT HE IS THE ULTIMATE.

               The men arrive in exquisite vintage Rolls Royces for the rose ceremony (Is anyone keeping a tally on the modeS of transportation?) at an equally exquisite Czech manse. Chris is already crying in his voice over about taking Emily for granted. JohnWolf is very confident though, and while I do not think he could win this at all, I am pulling for him. You go, Wolfie!

To say the shiny blue dress Emily is wearing is slinky and sexy would be the understatement of the century. She and Chrarrison have my favorite time, heart-to-heart time. She forgoes the cocktail party because she is so sure of her decision. But Chris wants to talk to her to fix things! To cry and to fix things!

            Emily gives a heartfelt speech to her guys about her decision making process and how she’s really starting to feel real love “which makes every second that she’s away from Ricki worth it.” And with that, she calls forth Jef, then Arie, and we are down to our predicted final two of Chris and Wolfman. There’s a long dramatic pause and then Chris steps up to talk to Emily. Everyone feels the tension sky rocket. Chris apologizes for his boyish actions on the date and let’s her know he’s “ready to be the man that she deserves.” It all just seems so scripted to me and planned out and not effective.

               In the end, after the longest pause they could possibly muster, Emily gives Chris the rose. I may or may not have shouted a four-letter word at the TV at this. I am outraged and shocked. I mean, I know that Chris doesn’t stand a chance, but he’s still a d-bag. I rue the day I run into him in Chicago. Yuck. Yucky. Yuckiest that his little speech may just have worked.

               Well, that brings us to the end of this week and we’re headed all over America for the hometown dates next week. I have a fever and am hopped up on some good medicine, so with this journey-ers, I’m getting a big bowl of mango sorbet and stalking Jef Holm on Tumblr. Godspeed, y’all.

Some bonus Jef because I love you guys...

   Elvin King of my Heeeaarrrtt!

The Bachelorette - Episode 6 Recap

    The world traveling continues this week for Emily and her noble man-harem as they take over Dubrovnik, Croatia. As the numbers dwindle, relationships and “connections” are growing stronger and the real players of the game are breaking ahead of the pack. Based on the previews this looks like quite the week in drama (and in kissing), so let’s jump right in.

Dubrovnik looks like something out of another century with all its Old World beauty and integrity. Emily is sad that Ricki had to go back to Charlotte, but she is here to figure her sh*t out this week. The men continue arriving via unique modes of transportation and pull into the port city by boat after sufficient oogling and ogling all the beautiful sights on the Adriatic coast.

            Emily pops into the dudes’ suite to announce the dates. I already want to kill Ryan for his slime face, but Travis (remember Shelly?) gets the date! He is so excited and relieved. They will be exploring old Dubrovnik together and doing many special touristy things.

After wandering and arm holding like best friends, they come upon a thing called the balancing stone. Emily reads from a card out of frame that if you can stand on it and remove an item of clothing, you will be lucky in love. So, the two of them monkey around for a solid couple of minutes trying to accomplish the task, “Come on, we are not leaving here until one of us is lucky in love!” Emily is disappointed that Travis didn’t take his shirt off on the stone even though she(the producers) gave him the perfect set-up! Real talk though, she has got to cool it with all the being alone forever freaking out. She’s got this.

         When they come across a jaunty street musician Emily remarks, “All with just three strings!” to which Travis replies, “YEAAAAHHH!!!!!” and then twirls her. He is a man-child. They do a little line dance which is silly and dorky and a little embarrassing for Americans, but good for them for managing to have fun.

The men are debating Travis’ prospects in the suite, but the important thing is the TANK TOP RYAN IS WEARING YOU GUYS.  First of all, it might be on backwards. Second of all, it’s a white TANK TOP, not an undershirt. It has the weirdest neckline, and it offends me. I am offended by it. Ryan is convinced Emily prefers his bad-boy to Travis’ goofball saying “I am that bad boy. My mean man can come out on the football field. I miss him sometimes…” Your “mean man”? What the eff?!

              Up in a castle high on the city walls, it has begun to rain, but that won’t put a damper on the “dinner” portion of Emily and Travis’ date. Travis hasn’t had very much screen time, which I think is a shame. He seems like a really sweet and funny guy. When Emily asks about his engagement, he opens right up and honestly responds to all her pretty revealing questions. I don’t think that the two of them have the full romantic love Emily wants, but he is definitely a great guy.

 I also like him because after their soul-baring conversation he says, “I’m sorry. I hope you weren’t hungry because we haven’t had a bite.” THANK YOU! Nobody wants cold Croatian food! I’m beginning to think she made them agree to never film her eating in her contract.

John, Doog, Sean, Jef, Chris, and Arie are all on the group date that obliquely states, “Lasting love requires bravery.” Most of them obviously wanted the one-on-one and are especially upset that Mr. Cocky Butthead Ryan gets the precious Emily time. He villains himself in a Bentley-esque way saying that he can always turn on the charm and get the girl. Yikes.

Back in the castle, Emily picks up the rose and tells Travis how much she likes him as a person, but that the romance just isn’t there. She isn’t giving him the rose, and he is the picture of a gentlemen while being so, so sad. He is so ready to find love and sheds some tears on his way out. Travis is so distraught that he throws away his umbrella and leaves it on the street. Poor Travis. Maybe he can go pick the pieces of Shelly back up and start a life with her.

Group date time! It is a gorgeous day as the men meet Emily in the center of town for a special screening of “Brave” the new Pixar movie! I am so jealous! Someone quips to make sure “It’s not Shakespeare”. The men can’t help but compare Princess Merida’s situation to Emily’s with all her suitors. This is amazing that the producer’s managed to provoke them into having those thoughts!

Now that the film is over, the men change into KILTS to compete in some Highland Games! I love this. The producers have thought up the best ways to both embarrass and test these men. They seriously look great in kilts. “Last week it was a dress…this week it’s a kilt,” bemoans Arie while Jef beams, “I’m in the middle of Croatia. Wearing a skirt!” The two of them are possibly my favorite contestants in Bachelorette history.

               The next strange mode of transport is the donkeys on which the men arrive at the Highland Games battlefield. In a confusing mix of cultures, Croatian men traditionally ride donkeys into battle, so that’s how they arrive at the mock Scottish festival. The dramatic music picks up as the men perform feats of strength. Archery!  At which Chris fails and Sean excels. The caper(log) toss!  At which Chris fails and Sean excels! Something else that sounds like “made leashk” which is akin to a tug-o-war with a stick rather than a rope! At which Chris fails because he chose to challenge DoogSMASH and Sean ultimately wins! But lo and behold, Chris wins the bravery award for giving it his all despite losing. Sean is bummed out that he was such a man that even the Scotsmen dressed as medieval knights were impressed and still didn’t get a rose.

       For the cocktail hour, the men begin to display their emotional feats of strength.  Everyone is gunning for the date rose to assure Emily they miss her and like her and want her body, etc, etc. Arie makes amends for what happened in London as they take a walk in the city. And then he kisses her against an ancient city wall, and it’s spicy. It is…hoo boy, y’all. Good stuff. They…like each other.

                         Jef the Elf King gives Emily his jacket for warmth because he is a noble beast, and he tells her, “You give me the type of feeling that people write novels about.” They are snuggled up like two little puppies and make out a little after giggling and then he says, “Can I tell you a secret? I’m freaking crazy about you.” Which is unfair because WHAT ABOUT US, JEF? WHAT ABOUT WE? All kidding aside, those two are adorable and great. But is Jef the man for her long-term for life?

Chris gets the date rose tonight. I do not get it. She seems to really like this guy even though to me he has no personality. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: he looks like Sam the Eagle!

          Now that it’s time for Ryan’s date, the men let loose about what they think of him. It takes him hours to get ready. When Emily picks him up, Arie is viscerally disgusted by his sweet talk.  “The world is our pearl…no, oyster. See, I’m always seeing the positive in things. The world is our oyster, but you’re my pearl.” All the guys die laughing after he leaves.

He and Emily drive up into the mountains and then go oystering. I think if the date was with another person, it could be perfect. It looks like fun even though Emily spits her oyster right back into the water. But Ryan just talks and talks and talks and talks and talks about God a little and then calls Emily a trophy and talks more. She is conflicted about him and “goes back and forth hourly” with him.

              At dinner Emily is in a glittery and sparkly gold dress that is just stunning. Ryan is wearing turquoise shoes that are barf-tastic. She is being feisty with him and keeps pushing how dearly she hates the trophy thing that he keeps! Bringing! UP!

 Ryan wrote some more for her because his million page letter from week two wasn’t enough. This time it’s twelve qualities he’d like to find in his wife.  Emily is really turned off and levels with him that she feels the pressure to be perfect around him.

So, she picks up the rose and lists his good qualities, but says about his list that “at the top of my list would be a loving family, not a perfect one”. She knows that they just want different things ultimately. And then she does the best thing she could do for herself and doesn’t give him the rose. He is silent. Shocked.  Then he tries to convince her otherwise and says she’s making the wrong choice. He turns into a huge dick about it, actually, because he’s not such a master manipulator as he thinks. We cut to commercial as it looks like Emily might take back her decision!

            The men are debating whether or not he’s coming home. None of them want him to come home for sure.  But back on the date, Emily still holds strong and does not give him the rose. Thank goodness, thank goodness, thank goodness. She is a strong woman who knows what’s right for her and her child, and girl, trust all of America, this was the right choice. The men literally celebrate that he’s been cut.

Does anyone else think the streets of Dubrovnik look really shiny? They look slick and shiny. Speaking of slick, Ryan’s leaving wish is that the producer’s do a good job portraying who he truly is as a person and “not some arrogant ass”. Well, there’s a problem there Ry-ry. Who you are is some arrogant ass, and the producer’s did a great job showing you for just exactly that. They also did a great job showing all the stray cats of Dubrovnik. Seriously, so many cats roaming those shiny streets and some camera-guy got silly about it.

Arie surprises Emily at her little home! He wants to make sure she’s alright and assure her that she made the right choice re: Ryan. Probably also he wanted to sneak into her bedroom because those two need the fantasy sweet STAT. Arie also needs chapstick. His lips look a little ashy. She gives him the rose in jest, just to assure him he’ll get one the next night. Then they smooch. Somebody needs to hose them down. HOLY CRAP the way those two kiss. At the end of the night, Arie thinks He’s definitely in love. D’AWWW. Get thee to the fantasy suite!

                   The rose ceremony begins and we hear the first words out of Wolf’s mouth. This poor guy. He’s probably not a bad dude; he just did not have what it took to be a player in this game. She knows he’s on the bubble along with Doogle. Oh no, John gets choked up showing Emily his grandparents’ funeral cards that he keeps with him to remind him of love and family. That’s lovely. They kiss in a very family-at-Thanksgiving way. Huh. Could he have made it over the bubble?

Doog and Emily’s alone time is awkward. He is really shy and needs to make a move. He fumbles a lot and is a little self-deprecating. She is trying to push him to be the man she knows he can be. But at the end, he didn’t make any progress and failed to convince her I think. To the other guys’ point, this guy is in the final six! She is not gonna freak out or puke or reject him or something if he makes any physical advances!

              The rose ceremony is upon us now! Emily is physically torn about the decisions she has to make this week. Ryan’s words to her last night are resonating that she shouldn’t just give up on even a chance of something great.  

Emily calls Sean, Jef, and Arie, but lo! She cannot make her final call and walks right out of the room silently. She gives the rose back to Chris Harrison and walks into the ceremony to say she couldn’t give out the final rose. PSYCH! Chrarrison brings in an EXTRA rose so that she can keep the two guys around a little longer and see where things go!! This girl plays the game by her own rules, and I respect that. Both men are totally relieved, but I have to wonder how long either of them can really stay in this game.

          Next week they are headed to Prague! Again, I’m super jealous because, wow, Prague is beautiful. There is kissing, kissing, fireworks, scenery, sweeping city shots. And apparently Arie used to date one of the producer’s and he finally comes clean! Yowza! Stay tuned for the love and the drama next week. May you all make strong connections on your journey til then.

The Bachelorette - Episode 5 Recap

     Tallyho! Pip, pip old mates, The Bachelorette and her man-harem have arrived in jolly London Town, they ‘ave, they ‘ave! Let us take our swim across the pond and see the drama and romance in store for us this week… and find out to whom Emily says GTFO!

The Maynard senior and junior are abso-tute-ly precious traveling about town and doing amazing tourist things that I so badly want to do. The gentlemen gather in Trafalgar Square to get the low-down for the week from Chris Harrison or “Chrarrison” as I like to say.

               The first date card is waiting in the suite and it’s going to Sean – 28! “Love takes no prisoners” so I’m guessing Tower of London, but he’s clueless. Jef is jealous! He really wants alone time, and I think the same thing about him and his pumped up kicks. Whither, King Jef of the Elves? Kalon is pissy that things aren’t going exactly as planned and that he has no control. Foreshadow?

Emily and Sean-28 are going on a double-decker bus tour, so Sean makes a London calling joke while “London Calling”-ish plays and immediately stands up on the bus to say “HELLO, LONDOOON!” Thanks for that, Sean-28. The two of them apprehensively announce to each other the sights they’re seeing because apparently the show couldn’t swing a real tour guide for the date? Come on, ABC. Also, you can tell Emily has a cold, but she’s all smiles and charm. These two are precious Aryan Angels.

            Back to the hotel suite and the dramatic violins, Kalon is being a terd once again. To Jef and Arie he says, “You gotta remember that if you become a part of her life, pretty much any day is gonna be a group date. It’s gonna be you, her, and Ricki.” Jef is PISSED and comes to Emily’s defense and calls Kalon a dick, and I rewound that part a couple times to hear him be a gallant goblin prince.

Emily and Sean come upon Speaker’s Corner in Hyde Park. Roped in by the crazies, Sean starts professing about love and it’s so weird. He once again finds a way to talk about his family. He is really hot though, so he gets a pass for now.

For the “meal” the two arrive at the Tower of London! I knew it! Emily’s almost completely lost her voice. Their tour guide is a charming beefeater, but for real, the Tower of London is kind of creepy. I don’t think it’s an ideal date place. King Henry’s home is no temple to love, yo.

The group date card comes to the hotel suite and reads, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” And there is a collective, “Buh….what?!” from the moronic imbeciles apparently vying for Lady Emily’s affections. Someone, Alejandro I think, pipes in with, “I think that was Shakespeare.” YA, DOI! Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John, and Kalon are on the group date. Kalon is royally ticked to be grouped in.

Back in the Tower of London, Emily puts Sean-28 through the “are you ready to be a father” gauntlet right away. He passes with flying colors because from betwixt their medieval goblets, Emily plucks the rose and pins it to Sean’s ready lapel. Within view of the Tower Bridge, they make out a little which I have to advise against based on how sick she sounds.

So the MISCREANTS who don’t know that MEGA-FAMOUS Shakespeare quote get to go to Stratford-upon-Avon for the group date. We finally acknowledge that Emily is ill and reveal the date will consist of them acting out scenes from “Romeo and Juliet” here in Shakespeare’s birthplace while he does barrel rolls in his grave. I take a large swig of wine at this point. Buckle up, kids.

The guys have to audition for the three representatives of the Shakespeare Birth Place Trust. They are freaking out. We’re mercifully shown the auditions in a montage; they are the worst. Kalon is taking it extremely seriously and is “not surprised” when they announce him as one of the Romeo’s. “I was born to play this role,” he smirks. I swig more wine. Arie and Doog are playing the nurse. YAY!!! THIS WILL BE SO FUNNY FOR US!

              Rehearsal is just watching dumb men rehearse Shakespeare, and many of them literally have no idea what they are saying. Kalon is feeling so competitive, and he says, “You can run along,” to Emily so they can rehearse. “Kalon needs to realize he is not on Broadway. Kalon needs to lighten up.” Amen! This lady can PREACH!

I want a gif of Arie prancing in his tights. Someone! Get me that gif!

Doogie as the nurse is kind of hilarious, and I appreciate his willingness to make bold choices. I also appreciate how willing Arie is to be a total doof, even though he was piss-pants nervous. He can do no wrong for Emily; she’s totally enamored of him.

              Ryan is so excited to kiss a dead Juliet-Emily, and is being real creepy. He also keeps talking about Arie when he talks about kissing Emily. And Arie, in his wig and bustier, smugly knows that, “Dude, it’s a play. You’re not actually kissing her.” Emily shakes her head and is grossed out.

“That stage kiss? That was the best part of my acting because I made it seem real…because it kinda was.” Oh my gosh, Ryan. OH MY GOSH.

               Arie and Emily steal away at the pub to have their beautiful alone time. They like each other so much! But again, I have to advise against the kissing because Emily might have strep throat!

You guys, I just figured out who Ryan reminds me of. He reminds me of Jason Stackhouse from True Blood except he doesn’t have the redeeming charm and loving heart that Jason does. Like Jason would totally say, “In my experience, when a girl tells you you’re trouble, and she smiles when she says it, maybe she wants to get in trouble.” He pulls out a pretty necklace with a turquoise pendant for her. She and I are genuinely surprised that it’s so simple, sweet, and thoughtful. But it could just be his game.

Kalon is still in a prissy huff. “Yeah, I’ll get a chance to talk to an exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting on her,” he snaps at Chris. Seriously dude, if that’s how you feel, why are you here? What are you wasting your extraordinarily precious time for?

It looks like Chris is the one who lets the “baggage” cat out of the bag to all the men. They, and I, are steaming mad. It isn’t until Dooglas hears about it that things take a turn for the worse. He is rolling up his sleeves as he makes Kalon fess up to calling Ricki baggage. Which he does. Readily. And he’s “not gonna apologize for it.” Oh, s**t, y’all. This is worse than I thought.

           Doogie immediately tells Emily about it, and I champion his decision. We can see the fury light up within Emily as she tries to think of “the most ladylike, the most graceful way” to kick Kalon’s sorry ass out of the United Kingdom and her life forever. “I want to go out there and rip his limbs off and beat him with them,” she says, “I want to go West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods on his ass.” GO EMILY! DO IT! I’m really sad this situation presented itself, but this is the most lively we’ve seen our girl yet.         

She rips off her jacket as they go out into the crowd, and Doug puts Kalon on the spot. She doesn’t allow Kalon to interrupt her and then goes, “I love it when you talk, but not until I’m done. I got that line from you.” WOW. THAT IS AWESOME. SUCKER, PLEASE! She slams down on the table the fact that his own mom was a single mother, and he can’t even string together three words that aren’t coated in horse s**t.  So she tells him to GTFO and shuts down the conversation. WaBAM!

                       But I feel so bad for her because she needed to just walk away. I can’t imagine dealing with that kind of righteous anger. She doesn’t hand out the rose and goes home to be with Ricki.

She’s really angry that no one said anything to her about it, but someone did. Doug did. Doug came and told her as soon as he found out. Maybe she’s more upset that the people who heard it firsthand didn’t say anything sooner, but I’m not sure. I think she’s still fuming and maybe just needs to cool off a lot. Here’s to hoping her date with Jef is a romantic swoon-fest to lift us all out of this luxury-brand consultant scented funk.

                 Jef wants to assure Emily that he will be there for her and is so excited to spend time with her. Rude, Jef. Don’t forget about me. They’re having afternoon tea which he is dressed for because his suit coat has elbow patches on it. Oh, except…not tea time, just an etiquette lesson with an old British lady. Jef gets bummed out that Jean the etiquette teacher is hijacking his one-on-one time! Jean is really hijacking this date too and taking it all seriously. To Jef’s point she is “really, really, really thorough.” He wants Jean to get out of his high-king hair.

               They run out on tea, and Jef hijacks the date to the pub where he orders them fish and chips and beers. He wants to tell Emily that he stood up for her, and “always will stand up for her”. He is so charming, really just a great guy. I WANT ONE. WHERE IS MY SEXY ELVIN KING?! OH MY GOD. HE JUST SAID “If Ricki’s baggage, she is a Chloé handbag that I want to have forever,” AND THEN MY HEART EXPLODED INTO SPARKLY CONFETTI.

Jef really does seem to feel strongly for Emily, but she is wary that she can’t read him and doesn’t know how he feels. She is gunning for that kiss on their date tonight. Gunning for it.

They change into sexy cocktail attire and have a special dessert date for two on the London Eye. That’s some real romatical ish, y’all. Jef is excited to take their relationship to the next level which is something a seventeen year-old says, but he’s so sexual that it’s ok.  He assures Emily that he will never lie to her. And now it’s raining on their London Eye-ball.

          Side note: they are creeping higher in the sky and their desserts (it appears to be a kind of trifle) remain utterly untouched. They didn’t touch a single bite of their trifle!

Okay Jef wants to have dancing and singing parties with Ricki and Emily, again, I die. She gives him the rose for always making her feel like a special lady. In the words of Bill Murray’s titular Bob in “What About Bob?” Gimme, gimme, gimme! I need! I NEED!

The build up to their kiss is so awkward. Very high school. He prefaces it. But then they kiss, and she is rull into it. Rull, rull into kissing that Elf King. Seriously, he is one of the good ones.

            The tension is high as we go into the cocktail party. Emily is in a sleek one sleeved deep blue dress, and she is hitting hard with the questions. She’s basically just grilling the guys as to why they didn’t stand up for her. Even perfect Arie was put under fire, and he’s a little nervous.

                   Ryan is the living worst wearing a scarf with his suit and brings her out to a stairwell balcony. He has a plan. He always has a plan. He is reading the Romeo monologue to her. I want to punch him.  He translates it for her because she’s not a human who understands words. She likes him! She actually likes him! I mean she says she’s mad at herself about it and she’s keeping an eye on him. But oh my word, he is slime.

She has a great chat with Sean, and they kind of slow dance together. It’s sweet, and they’re cheesy but in a non-disgusting way.

                 Chrarrison arrives and the bells toll to signify the end of the road for a sad one of the bachelors. She calls Doog first for obvious reasons. Oh my gosh, we’re getting down to the wire, and Arie’s name still hasn’t been called. It’s down to Alejandro and Arie! This can’t be!

In the end, I am heaving an enormous sigh of relief that Arie is sticking around, while Alejandro is out of the pack. He seems like a sweet man, but a little young for Emily. I’m sure he’ll have no problem finding a wonderful woman to share his life with. Back to the mushroom farm, for now though, Ale-ale-jandro.

              This whirlwind of an episode draws to a close. We had high romance and high drama. And next week they are off to Dubrovnik, Croatia which I bet only half the men can find on a map. There is kissing shot upon kissing shot and then Arie is kissing her against an ancient wall and I get the vapors. But there is trouble on the Adriatic with one gentleman who is “in it to win it, and Emily is the trophy.” Gee, I wonder who in the world is so competitive and would say a think like that. *Cough* Ryan *Cough* Arie makes a confession, and Emily storms out of the rose ceremony!  Only time will reveal all, dear readers, so until next time, keep on the journey.

The Bachelorette - Episode 4 Recap

     This week on the Bachelorette, the party is officially leaving Charlotte and heading to Bermuda (which I bet is geographically located in a very different place than where your brain thinks it is)! I was wary considering Emily insisted on being in Charlotte to be close to Ricki, but it looks like she’ll be tagging along for most of the adventures. We get some screen time with just the two of them, and Emily truly looks like a great mom with a great kid. You can tell Ricki is going to grow up to be just as pretty as her mother. Thanks genetics!

This week we’re getting a fully mixed bag of dates with a one-on-one, a group date, and the first of the dreaded two-on-ones where only one bachelor comes out alive.

Inexplicably and hilariously all of the bachelor’s pull up to their hotel on matching mopeds.

The one-on-one goes to…DOOGLAS! Oh Doog, you sweet baboon. Let’s see how many times you mention your “little one” on this outing. The burgeoning tropical storm outside affects the stormy mood indoors as the men egg on poor Doog because he is super nervous. Arie points out how “easy it is to push Doug’s buttons” and we watch the men poke a bear with a stick by saying “We think you’re just building it up in your head,” for two whole minutes.

Emily notices the tension in the room because she walks in just as Doog was about to step to Arie. The two lovebirds leave for the date, and Arie, charming as ever observes Doog’s resemblance to a certain comic book character. “Doug ANGRY! DOUG SMASH! Doug…sad,” he says in a Hulk voice.

For the date, Emily and Doog walk around downtown St. George and do some touristy shopping things. “I just like island towns a lot,” Doog observes. Emily likes this date because it’s what a “married couple would do on vacation”.

                       On the steps of a lovely church Doog tells Emily all about how lucky he was to have a great grandpa who raised him, and how he wants to be that kind of father figure to his son Austin. Emily is very impressed by his positive attitude but wants to know if he is ever not perfect. He admits being grouchy when Emily picked him up. as he had just “scolded all the boys”. Emily quips, “They had the fear of God in them. You did a good job.” And Doog takes this as a compliment which is not great because Doog is starting to ride pretty high on his horse.

Emily and Doogie write a postcard to Austin, in reply to his letter to Emily the first night. This is actually sweet and shows how much Emily is always thinking like a parent. Then they make a wish and walk through this Moon Gate arch thingy, per Bermudian tradition. Emily’s wish? “That I won’t be single forever,” which…oh my gosh, girl, I feel you, but you’re gonna be fine.

                 Back at the hotel suite we get the group date card announcement. “Let’s set sail on the sea of love” is the date for these lucky fellows: Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, and Kalon. 

It’s now “dinner” time for Emily and Doogie Bowser. Emily feels like he’s hiding something from her in how he always gives her the perfect answers. She worries that this is too much like Brad and her worst nightmare is this ending up like her and Brad again. So the Maynard plan of action is to put him before a firing squad in order to torture the flaws out of him. She wants to know what an ex would say his faults are, and he says “Too much time with my son.” He also says he didn’t was his ex-girlfriend’s car enough. “What kind of girls are you dating?” posits Emily, and I have to agree, Huh?

            Emily rattles off that she’s sensitive, stubborn, doesn’t work out (what a terd), and sometimes wears her pajamas all day. Then she realizes she put him in a really tough spot. “I’m just a guy,” Doog states, “I’m not a genius, and I’m not a dummy. I’m not wealthy, but I’m not poor. I’m just Doug.” She thinks he just may be that perfect a person, and gives him the rose.

Doogie is floating on cloud 9 but per his grandpa’s advice, won’t kiss a girl until he sure they want him to, so he hasn’t kissed a girl in….months…eesh. He also doesn’t EVER make the first move…eesh. Then he speaks in the third person...EEESH! I’ve got one eye on you, Doog.

             It looks a little chilly as the group date men arrive at the Royal Bermuda Yacht Club. They get a quick sailing lesson that consists mostly of “Watch out for the boom.” The men will be split into two teams and compete for the real date-time with Emily. Ryan with his, ahem, “Something about Mary” hair, rrreeaally wants to win because the only joy he has ever had in his life is from winning (I assume).

We cut to the hotel to see the men still agonizing over the two-on-one, when there’s a knock at the door. They will “explore this Bermuda-love-triangle” with Nate and John “Wolf”. They are :(

Back on the water, we have Team Yellow (Arie, Jef, Kalon, and Ryan) and Team Red (Charlie, Sean, Travis, and Chris). The race kicks off and the dramatic music kicks in. The race is kind of strangely shot so we’re never quite sure what is happening in the race or who is ahead. Sometimes the boats are seriously really close together and listing really heavily and I’m really scared and nervous. But the yellow team prevails! Bittersweet because Arie and Jef are two of my fav’s, but Kalon and Ryan are two of the worst.

         Oh my gosh, baby goblin prince Jef hurt his fingers, but it doesn’t matter because faint heart never won fair lady, right y'all?

The red team is sad they lost. They are “disappointed.” In the car they’re moping, and Charlie might be crying. He might just be tired, but we can’t really tell. Did his brain injury affect his ability to regulate his emotions?

At the “after party” Ryan kicks off by toasting to a “beautiful trophy...possible wife”. Grade A Tool-baggery. Arie steals her away first because he likes her so much and missed her. They are adorable talking and catching up like a real couple. They kiss. These two have fantastic physical chemistry in addition to their “connection.”

               Now we have alone time with Jef, the “master of group dates”! He is always so calm and soft-spoken when talking to camera. The two of them get wrapped up in a blanket by a big beach bonfire. Jef says he really likes who Emily is in between saying “like” a million times. I hate when people do this, but I love Jef so I’m chalking it up to nerves. She kisses his boo-boo finger!!!  And then we get a huge empty moment where there should have been a kiss, and Emily is sad there wasn’t one. She says it’s still fun to wait and anticipate that first great kiss. Smart, smart lady, this one.

Ryan is “being very intentional with what he’s doing” and is being a huge ass by testing Emily. Instead of the run-down of the conversation, here’s just a list of all the aphorisms uttered by Ryan during this segment:

-The enemy of great is good and just being “good” is not enough.

-I’m not here to impress you, but to make an impression upon you.

-If ya ain’t cheatin’, ya ain’t trying.

-Me and you would have some pretty children.

-God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.

-Being flirtatious is a good thing. If you cain’t flirt, what can you do?

-To whom much is given, much is required.

                       Emily sees through all of his BS and doesn’t like the feeling that Ryan is judging her. Preach, lady-sister!

Date rose goes to our pompadour-ed babe Jef! Much to his shock and precious surprise! He feels he’s beginning to fall for her. Fireworks over the bay and everything is lovely, for now...

Y’all, ready for the two-on-one?! The two men going have had barely any screen time yet and this is clearly a fat trimming move. I have to be honest that every time John “Wolf” speaks to camera, I get totally distracted by his job title - “Data destruction specialist”. What is that?! What kind of data does he destroy? Does this mean he has maximum security clearance? Does this mean he’s rich? Does this mean he’s just the copy-room guy in charge of the shredder? What?!

                   In the prison-like hotel suite, the other dudes get into an argument with Chris about age.  Chris gets really heated up that it doesn’t matter, and all the other guys are like “No, there’s a world of difference between 25 and 30.” What was just an average conversation got turned into a tiff thanks to Chris’ 25 year-old, dainty ego.

This two-on-one is so awkward it hurts me. They are on a boat, do some cliff jumping, then go on an amazing trip into cave for their dinner. It’s…painful. Nate keeps saying “kwin-oh-ah” pointing to his plate. Dude, stop talking about fiber and pronouncing quinoa super wrong.

             Emily hates her life in this moment. Nate cries about how great his family and friends are. Emily uses the word “innocent” to describe him and in that moment we know the axe has fallen on poor Nate. It is indeed the end of the road for Nate who makes a very graceful exit. JohnWolf gets the rose. He’s growing on me, but still not super special or stand-out.

           The cocktail party started with forty minutes left in the show, and Emily is in a slamming white jumpsuit. She is one of three people on Earth able to pull this look off. We talk with Alejandro first who is nervous because he hasn’t had hardly any time with Emily this week or at all and HOLY CRAP, YOU GUYS! JEF IS WEARING BERMUDA SHORTS! I SEE WHAT HE DID THERE! He’s also wearing sky-blue KNEE SOCKS!!! I LOVE HIM. KNEE SOCKS AND BERMUDA SHORTS IN BERMUDA 4EVA!

            Ryan is once again talking to Emily and laying it on thick, just...slathering it on. He is so condescending towards her.

Arie and Emily make out some more after telling each other how much they like each other. The two of them truly do have the best connection in the group.

Again, Ryan is such a huge butt-hole that I’m just going to directly transcribe what he said: “I like what I see in her; I see that there’s great potential. But then again, to be very honest with you, I feel like I’m called to something greater…When this whole thing is done, if it doesn’t work out for me, I’ll get involved with the media back home and say ‘Let’s do Bachelor-Ryan…Bachelor-Augusta… If I was the Bachelor, I would be ready to open my heart up, and it would be neat for everybody to see,” then smiles like a Cheshire cat. HE IS A FART BUCKET.

Emily and Sean -28 do have a strong connection considering how little time they’ve spent together. They have a natural ease to their conversation, good ebb and flow. They kiss and it’s nice, but there’s not the same heat as with Arie.

                 Chris rehashes the age thing with Emily again, and rather that really assure her, or me, that he’s mature and ready, it makes me feel like he’s insecure about it. He should be more insecure about the fact that he looks like Sam the Eagle, but instead he pulls Doogie Schnauzer aside to confront him. Doog completely has the upper hand in the argument as he keeps his cool, which just riles Chris up even more. “I’m never, ever gonna stand down to you,” Chris says, and Doog just laughs.

When Chris Harrison walks in to break up the cocktail party, someone dorkily says, “Christopher!” and it killed me but we don’t know who did it! *Sigh* Emily and Christopher have a good talk. Chris Harrison is such a calming presence and great voice of reason.  The most important part of the conversation is Emily admitting her “sixth sense” suspicion of Ryan and how he thinks he’s pulling one over on her. Chris is reassuring about the process, and that Emily needs to, basically, toughen up about the rose ceremony process because it’s her and Ricki's lives at stake.

           Jef in the front of the line in his shorts and rose and jacket is cracking me up. He looks like a Von Trapp! Sean – 28 is called first, good for him. Both Ryan and Kalon are still around, I suspect at the behest of the producers. In the end it comes down to Michael, Alejandro, and sweet, sweet brain-injured Charlie. She picks Alejandro. Alejandro the mushroom farmer who is 24 and very cute but VERY young. What??? Charlie and Michael are both sad to go, and I’m sad to see them go. Both are such sweet, adorable dudes. Michael has never been in love before?!?!?!? Oh, SWEETHEART, you are precious to me! I just want to squeeze them both.

                     Next stop on the world tromp is London!!! It looks like a great episode because Jef has a one on one.  Most importantly there is some major drama! As what I swear to you is the music from Intervention plays, we find out that one man is cold-hearted and sees Ricki as “baggage.” Emily is furious and tells him to “Get the F*** out.” So who could it be? Villain from the start Kalon? Virtual unknown Travis? Or is it someone we already love like Sean? Only time will tell. Until then, keep on your “journey” fellow viewers.

The Bachelorette - Episode 3 Recap!

     We are three weeks into the thrilling slog-fest that is the Bachelorette, and I expect some men to start breaking ahead of the pack this week. We open on Emily being brought breakfast in bed by her Harvey Fierstein-voiced mother. Emily is ready for the week ahead!

Chris Harrison gives the men the run-down. We get it.  No rose = bye bye.  Chris from Chicago has the first one-on-one.

Quick jump to the date with Chris and he's in a nice cotton henley and jeans. While we all know how much I love a man in a Henley, I find this guy utterly plain looking. He has no upper lip and a huge neck.

                       And with him begins the series of increasingly difficult date challenges as metaphors for relationships. They are scaling a building to get to dinner. Emily is reasonably freaked out by hanging from a building with an impending lightning storm. Chris hopes he might steal a kiss, assumedly before they die like two hanging fried squirrels.

Once they make it to the summit, the wind keeps picking up on that rooftop, and Emily keeps gushing about how cute this guy is. I really don’t get it. HIS UPPER LIP IS NOT THERE.

They have the standard first date talk she's given all the guys so far. When Chris reveals he is only 25 and thus, younger than she, she is taken aback. Red flag?! Wuh-oh!

Cut back to the Man Palace, and Tony is having a generic conversation with his kid! He misses him, d’awww. But he is quickly falling into the trope of “single parent who misses their kid too much.” Dun-dun-DUNNNN!

Date card! Group date! There’s like a million of them on this group date! The message is, “Let’s play”. She really is quite the coquette. I just think these notes should be more like a Tyra-mail and rhyme and be super confusing and ultimately misleading.

Back to the stormy rooftop! Thunder! Wind! Chris is a MAN. He assures Emily that he’s ready for the responsibility of being a father.  She gives him the rose with very little fanfare or speech giving.

Oh God. We have yet another private concert where I’m sure they will awkwardly close dance to a medium tempo song by this Luke Bryan guy. You can tell the producers have kept the masses at bay, too, just at the edge of the shot waiting to descend when cued by Mr. Bryan.

Chris is blown away by this moment, and as he’s mentioned about 47 times, he REALLY wants to kiss Emily. So he asks her permission, which I bet she just ate right up, and boom! First kiss. Pretty tame. Like two grandma-at-Thanksgiving-pecks.  But Chris feels like this “is the start of something good”, and Emily seems to like him. So we’ll see where they’re headed in the weeks ahead.

             We are at a park for the group date!  Sean - 28 is there! They share his commentary a lot even though I don't recall a single interaction he's had with Emily. He’s not aggressive and I like that! But on this show that could be trouble.

Stevie the Party MC is also there, and his black t-shirt is ridiculously tight because he is a grown-ass bar mitzvah dancer and lacks all common sense and I hate him.

Emily brought her girlfriends to the park to screen and grill the men.  I really love this idea for both practical and entertainment reasons.

Tony talks about his kid. Jef is quiet and composed. Doog refers to his kid as a “little one” again. They are all “absolutely” ready to be dads. Travis still has his ostrich egg from episode one! He’s named it Shelley. John “Wolf” gets a little flustered.  Stevie pops and locks, and I almost poison myself.

They tell Sean - 28 he’s cute! He is! His family is centered on faith, and he’s a lovely human.  But Emily’s friend Wendy is getting a little frisky with him and makes him strip and do push-ups with her on his back and everyone’s really uncomfortable.

                  As if they haven’t been through enough already, a hoard of children is called forth with whom the men shall prove their fatherliness. They mostly do really well, but Ryan kind of makes a boo-boo when he says that if Emily got fat after they got married he “would still love [her], but might not love ON [her] as much”. The women are yikes-ed out, but he’s still extremely confident.

Sean - 28 and Doog are the standouts from the interviews and kiddie-time date.  Sean - 28 talks again about his great family. Doog has a truly sad story about his mom leaving them, his epileptic dad dying, and going through foster care. After all that, he’s a solid dude and could be a great choice for Emily.

Back at the Man Palace we find out the other one-on-one date goes to Arie. Kalon is jealous, and the other guy who I keep forgetting is there was there.

Back at the group date cocktail hour (When do these people ever eat?!), Emily comforts a teary Tony who misses his kid a lot. Doog comforts Tony and says the same thing only even more comfortingly. Tony calls his kid and cries some more in the back alley. 

                           Emily finds him, and she does a really kind of valiant thing in letting Tony go because she knows that their connection isn’t strong enough. She may be a little boring, but it cannot be said this woman lacks class.

The date rose goes to Sean - 28! Yay! I predict that they put so much of him into the first couple of episodes because he’s going to go a long way in this thing. As he should; they look like Barbie and Ken together.

It’s time for Arie’s date! After a short private jet ride, they arrive at the holiest of holy lands: DOLLYWOOD! It is seriously a dream of mine to visit Dollywood, and Arie has never even heard of it! Silly, Arie

After standard-issue theme park fun, the fear-factor challenge of this date is to write a love song on the spot. How horrifying! But what’s this? A pair of spandex pants and bejeweled boots? HOLY SHIT, Y'ALL, IT’S DOLLY PARTON. I love this woman. So does Emily who is peeing her pants.  Dolly WROTE A SONG FOR HER! I’m totally okay with this private concert because OH MY GOD IT’S DOLLY PARTON, YOU GUYS. SHE WROTE “NINE TO FIVE” ON HER ACRYLIC FINGERNAILS FOR PETE’S SAKE.

                 Her song is a simple tune, but she's just stunning. Arie has no idea why this is a big deal at all, but he thinks Emily is super cute in how she's geeking out.  I am seriously touched by the conversation Emily and Dolly have about true love.

Arie is very handsome dancing with Emily all close and lovey.  Dolly thinks they look very smart as a couple, she would know, she “has an eye for those things”.

During “dinner” (wherein zero food is ingested), the conversation is about, shocker, kids and if he’s ready to have them. He is. He gets a rose after she fakes him out! Haha! This is comedy!

Arie, too, believes this is “the start of something great”,  and they kiss on the carousel. This ain’t no grandma pecking kisses, neither.  They are mackin’. Things look good for those two.

Emily is wearing a sparkly, slinky number for the cocktail party. She pulls Kalon aside first to chat and connect, probably. Things are at his standard level of snoot until he butts in with, “I love it when you talk, but I wish you’d let me finish,”. And later when he says he gets everything his way she says, straight faced, “Oh, I had no idea.” Old girl might have some spice in her yet. The end of the story is that Kalon is a terd.

                    Travis finally has Emily help him “set Shelley free” by breaking her onto the driveway.  Travis is blah, but adorable Charlie pops his head out the door to squeal “Shelley, noooo! Shelley, nooo!” and then has the men toast to Shelley’s memory. Points for Charlie.

Oh look Alessandro is there and very orange and refers to a wife and family as “a compromise”. It is made clear this is not a language barrier problem, and Emily sends him home right then and there. But he’s okay because he’s living his life “like a gypsy king.”

The men could sense how upset Emily was, and I think she was rightly upset in that case. Most of the men just sit and stare, but Arie goes and comforts her. They kiss a lot, and it’s really cute. But Ryan sees and he is jeaaaaloooous.

Jef is the first to get a rose, and since I haven’t really had another opportunity, let me take this one to sing his praises. Jef is like a sexy elf-king who stores all his power in his pompadour. Jef is great, and Jef and his jean jackets, skinny ties, and skateboard can stay. 

So who’s out? When it comes down to Stevie and Nate “the guy I forget is there”, it looks like Stevie will be popping and locking his way back to New Jersey. Hooray!

We get a peppering of drama to come with Ryan’s voice-over of jealousy proclaiming war on “dainty-man” Arie (because being over six feet tall and a race-car driver is “dainty”).

The preview of the week to come looks juicy. With a bachelorette as vanilla as Emily, it looks like we’ll be depending our bachelors to bring the zing this season.

May the madness descend upon them swiftly in Bermuda.