Two Recomendations In One!

Henley Monday - 

For the very first time, this week's Henley Monday has more than one person featured and the second is not wearing the shirt of honor. But it was only right to feature these two guys, only appropriate, the only respectable option.

We salute you Mr. Aaron Paul and Mr. Bryan Cranston for being stalwarts of incredible television these last few years. We'll certainly miss you as Messrs. White and Pinkman, yet we know we shall soon be seeing you in a great number of other roles due to the level of greatness on which you stand.

Good-bye for now, gents. Keep up the good work, and Aaron, keep up the choice of henley+cardigan combo.

My favorite scene in Bridesmaids is the entire airplane scene, but this snippet is the best of the best. While not specifically at the wedding, I think it still counts as a great moment in film nuptials.

The best part: The absolute straight delivery of Steve/Stove.

"Are you an appliance?"

"No. I'm a man. And my name is Steve."

"You're a flight attendant."

"That is absolutely accurate."

It's really, really hot out, everyone. The heat is oppressive all across the country, and we here in Chicago have our very own Heat Advisory in effect until 10pm tonight. 10 pm! That is long after the sun will go down!

So, to bring you a little relief from the beating rays of Apollo's golden carriage, peruse these pictures of some excellent animals being the opposite of hot. Click the pictures to enlarge them and get really into the whole Eisbaer experience.

There are few things in this life that I love as much as the Muppets, Sesame Street being one of them because of the inclusion of Muppets and because of my childhood and also because have you guys read that Malcolm Gladwell piece on the importance of Sesame Street in literacy and scholastic apptitude? It's INCREDIBLE.

There are also few things in life that I love as much as Tom Hiddleston, and this short little video right here is about as much love for non-immediate family members that my heart can handle without bursting into sparkles and rainbows.

Some major points:

OF COURSE he's in perfectly tailored business casual wear to be on Seasame Street

Cookie Monster makes me honestly laugh with his comedic hijinks

Tom treating Cookie Monster like an adult really heightens the stakes in a good way

I'm taking "Delayed Gratification" to mean that "if me wait, me will eventually get Tom Hiddleston"

He's so charming, I die. I just die.

I can barely handle this, which concerns me for Tom's appearance in the forthcoming Muppet film.

The Bachelorette - Finale Part 2 Recap

Oh wow. This is it. It's really here you guys. The time has finally come where we will know, once and for all, what will happen to Desiree in her turbulent quest for love. It’s been rough. Remember that guy with the secret girlfriend? Remember how much gay Michael hated douche Ben? Remember James being a lion with a thorn stuck in his paw that he wouldn’t let one tiny mouse help remove? REMEMBER BROOKS WALKING OUT ON DESIREE AT THE 11TH HOUR WITH HER HEART IN TATTERS? Yeah. Seas have been stormy. But here we are. In Antigua. Let the drama unfooooold!

Crap. I forgot about the live studio audience aspect of the grand finale. Chris Harrison welcomes us with open arms and throws us right into a video package of Desiree crying about Brooks. “He broke my heart…and now, I don’t know where to start,” she sniffles, “It sucks.”

What better time to have a one-on-one chat with Papa Chrarrison than the very moment your entire world is crumbling around you? They sit on some lovely whicker chairs to talk it all out. He invites her to sit and says, “How you doing today?”

“I’m ok,” she replies with a thin lipped smiled and continues to nod, maybe to convince herself it’s true.

“No. You’re not. I’m sorry,” Chrarrison reaches out as the tears begin to fall. The amount of tears this season could rival Ashley’s.

“I’m ok when people don’t ask,” admits Desiree. UGH. HAVEN’T WE ALL BEEN THERE? “I just want to go home to be honest.” Desiree continues crying and Chris offers up little comforting comments here and there. Eventually Desiree decides that she does want to continue on in “the process” with Drew and Chris to see if the “all important chemistry” and “undeniable spark” is really there with either of them. The fun thing is that they HAVE to go through a rose ceremony to get there, and they don’t know that Brooks is gone!

Chrarrison lines up the two remaining dudes on a dock and gives the floor to Desiree to explain the situation. She just barely gets through telling them that Brooks decided to go home on his own before she starts getting choked up. “I have taken every relationship separately…so I’m not going to let yesterday break my spirit,” Des resolves.

She stayed so strong though all of it, but really loses her stuff when she tells them she just wants them to let her know if they don’t want to accept the rose or continue in their relationship. This poor girl. You can totally see Chris wanting to run to her and comfort the pain away. Oh noble dorky Chris.

Drew’s name is called first, then Chris. They both accept.

“When you love someone as much as I do love Desiree, it’s hard to watch her cry,” Chris sternly tells the camera.

“I’m never gonna leave Desiree. It’s just never gonna happen,” Drew also very sternly tells us. Well, we’ll just see about that, Drew. Chris? Yeah I guess you’re fine for now. We’ll just see, gentleman.

Before we can get back to the drama we talk to some of the live studio audience – KILL TIME – and get some non-expert opinions. The consensus from these random strangers is that Brooks comes back. Pishaw. We have quite a few Team Chris people. The cheers for Drew are much quieter, lovely as he is.  BUT WUH-OH. WHAT HO. WHAT. HO. INDEED.  DID CHRARRS JUST GIVE AWAY THE ENDING?

He says, “But what about this? If CHRIS finds out about how she felt about Brooks, you know…or Drew for that matter…uh you know, is there any chance that she could you know that this could still work?” Drew was an afterthought. Chris was the first name he emphasized then he got flustered after the slip up. Interesting.

We get yet another gratuitous shot of Desiree dressing herself over her bikini. There have been quite a few up close panning shots of her body that make me uncomfortable with the exploitative undertones. Drew’s date is up first and she is hopeful that she can “find sparks.”

They are riding horses down to the beach. Des introduces Drew to his horse Judy. What a great horse name: Judy. The conversation is strained and awkward on their horsey jaunt. It is that early that Desiree realizes that what she’s looking for just isn’t there with Drew. Des realizes she must now do to Drew what Brooks did unto her.

After a toast to being “madly in love” (oh dear, sweet Drew), Des just says “So. I really need to talk to you.” Which is exactly how 85% of breakups in the history of modern dating and relationships have begun, so Drew must just about pee his little Bermuda shorts at the sound of those words.

As she cries and struggles through finding the words to say, he squints deeply at her. I finally realize who Drew looks like.  He looks like Captain America. Seriously if Chris Evans wasn’t already the quintessential Steve Rodgers, I’d be gunning for this guy to take over because even his HAIR is superhero perfect.

Des lets him down gently, and Drew is the consummate gentleman though it all. “You don’t have to be sorry,” he repeats as Des blubbers about how bad she feels. “You don’t have to be sorry for not being in love with me. It’s not something you control; it just happens…I would want you to be in love with me as much as I’m in love with you. So this hurts but…it’s ok”. What a capital G gentleman and all around good guy. Godspeed Drew! Best wishes to you and your continuing journey to find love!

Hopefully with a break from the breakups, Chris has his date today. Desiree has a lot riding on it. As soon as Chris arrives though, their dorky chemistry is in full bloom. Chris says “Welcome!” when he first sees her, like you do when you’re being an idiot distracted by loving a person. And then Desiree tells him they’ll be going on a catamaran all day as Chris’ face lights up like a kid on Christmas morning.

“Yes! Another boat just for you!” Des tells him. “Ok this is awesome!” Chris squeaks. Chris loves boats you guys. It’s that kind of dorky personality trait that could pull him through.

Chris is so freaking precious. He is just a precious little gemstone in a world of stupid pebbles. He tells her how much he will always love and support her and be a shoulder to cry on. They do indeed have a very strong connection. Desiree admits that her feelings may have been clouded because of Brooks.

The music begins to swell and the camera shots become sweeping as the catamaran streaks across the Caribbean Sea. The two lovers both feel comfortable and happy with each other. Desiree might begin to see the love and joy Chris could bring her whole life long.

It’s evening now, and the two are meeting at Chris’ plush ass suite for dinner and drinks. Chris gives world’s longest and most rambling toast thanking Desiree for everything and expressing how much he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. They laugh and giggle. Desiree eats it all up and also shares how much she cherishes their time together.

Despite being apprehensive to introduce any of the guys to her family, Desiree decides that Chris shall meet her whole family. He is thrilled. She is thrilled that he so wants to meet her family.

Chris got her a gift. It is ANOTHER leather-bound journal. For those keeping score at home, that is two leather bound journals she’s been gifted with this season. He dedicates it to her and writes a little epigraph and also transcribes all of the poems into the first few pages. Barf. Blergh. Ack. Ew. But it’s still so sweet and thoughtful but MOSTLY barf.

“I’ve never felt like anyone has loved me as much as I have loved them and that’s why it’s hard to feel so loved because I don’t know what it feels like…so it feels good but it’s hard,” Desiree blubbers out. “How could I have not loved him so much from the beginning?”

And there, my friends, there I think is where it’s all decided. She toasts to him being the greatest man she’s ever known. Yeah. Chris. You’re the only guy left. I think you’ve got this hooked, lined, and sinker (whatever that means. Does anyone know?).

Back in the studio audience, we have some Bachelor fan favorites assembled to sound off their opinions. Jackie, Lesley, and Lindsey are there as well as Catherine and Sean. How awkward! Sean is boring and diplomatic. Catherine is adorable and wise. Jackie is sad that Brooks left her but wants her to be happy ultimately. Lesley is smart and astute and to the point that Des is falling love with Chris fast and hard. Lindsey is an idiot. She thinks Brooks might still come back. Stupid, stupid Lindsey.

Ok, back to the task at hand. Chris brings a lovely bunch of rhododendrons to meet Desiree’s family which does include her very intense, felonious brother. Nate is certainly intense, but I think he suffers from a little bit of bad editing and also just a harsh demeanor. He asks the same questions that almost every family has asked the final contestants before. Did you ever doubt the process? Are you a jealous guy? How confident are you in the relationship? All normal questions that Chris passes with absolute flying colors. He is charming and at ease and gracious and lovely.

Desiree’s dad is adorable. Not Sean’s dad levels of charm, but his smile is pretty great. Chris and he have a nice chat which ends in Chris asking for Desiree’s hand in marriage. Dad gives a resounding yes.

The day concludes with Desiree and Nate sitting down to talk all of this stuff out. In the end, Nate approves of Chris but doesn’t want Des to settle. So that’s that. Will Desiree accept a proposal from Chris? Or will she end up alone?

It’s that time of the season, y’all! Time for everyone’s favorite human lizard Neil Lane to appear in a tropical locale with his set of diamond wares. Chris meets with him to select the ring that will be the symbol of his love and commitment that won’t be broken. He is really taking delight in the process of choosing a ring. Man this is a genuinely good guy. You precious goon, Chris! You have melted my steely, cold heart! He selects a very pretty, if not a bit gaudy, ring.

Desiree is wearing a gauzy, peach gown with a big crystal embellishment on the side. It’s gorgeous. Chris is wearing a crisp, black suit with a crisp white pocket square. They both look smart. Now let’s not break America’s heart and just be in love forever you two! Please!

Chris is a bundle of nerves, equal parts electric excitement and terror. He gets to talk first. Of course when I say “talk” I mean whisper. A stage whisper. He lists all the tiny moments where he fell in love with her. “You make me want to be a better person…I don’t want to make decisions for me anymore. I want to make decisions with you for us. I want to be that rock. I want to be the person that doesn’t break for you.” And I’m crying and just as he goes to bend down to the one knee she stops him. “Don’t say it? Oh god. Ok.” He stammers. We may have just witnessed him actually crapping his pants.

He steels himself for the rejection while Des prepares him for the truth. She tells him that he’s the only one there and the only one who met her family. Then launches into a beautiful speech about how the one thing she always needed was right in front of her the whole time. Chris is so happy when he realizes that she’s in love with him and isn’t rejecting him.

So then he says, “It’s not just a yes or a no. It’s a do you want to grow old together? Do you want to start a family together?” I’m crying but then LAUGHING because as he asks the big question, Des answers “YES. A THOUSAND TIMES YES!” which is PERFECT AND DOESN’T HAPPEN IN REA LIFE! I GUESS THIS DOESN’T REALLY COUNT AS REAL LIFE BUT SHE SAID THAT UNPROMPTED AND IN EARNEST, SO.

They hold each other kissing and crying and then “Love and Affection” plays again to montage all the lovely moments they’ve had. I’m crying because apparently I’m a person who cries at this stuff now. It’s fine. Way to go for you Matt White getting this song on three times this season (EVEN THOUGH IT MEANS YOU’VE REPLACED PETER CETERA). Ok. Wow. They are happy in love. Crazy in love. They are engaged and during After the Final Rose it’s revealed that Desiree is moving to Seattle this very weekend. They are getting their own place together. They are adorable and I wish them all of the very, very best.

And for all of you dear readers, I wish you the very, very best as well. I am so grateful for you reading my thoughts and emotions every week and truly appreciate every positive comment I’ve gotten. You guys rule. And I  DEARLY HOPE that you will join me in January when JUAN PABLO WILL BE THE BACHELOR! AHHHHHH! JUAN FREAKING PABLO! SEE YOU THEN, GUYS! Of course you can keep up with me over on Twitter @chasspod and check back with the Polar Bear for other fun stuff. KISSES.

Maiden Voyage

The first post.  This is the post that will christen the ship.  Consider these words, wielded in my hands, the oversized champaign bottle being smacked against the side of a new air craft carrier.  Mazeltov! (I assume that’s what you say when you break the bottle. Maybe l’chaim?)

As your pop culture polar bear, I’ll be posting regularly on the myriad things I am fanatically crazy about, and the things against which I have vitriolic rage.  And that’s it.  There isn’t an in between.  I have no gray area.  We have one end of the spectrum, our North Pole if you will, and the other end, again, if you’ll indulge me, our South Pole. 

All aboard! The HMS Love/Hate is about to set sail. Shana tova! (I think I’m confusing a lot of my ship metaphors and Jewish culture, but I’m not sure.  Shana tova is Hebrew for bon voyage, right?)

This is a real thing. His name is Morris the Jewish Polar Bear, and he comes with his own dreidl!

Henley Monday - New Years Eve 2012 Special

Hey ladies, hey gentleman, it's Ryan Gosling our Patron Saint of Henleys all lit up to bring you happy holiday tidings and wishes for a happy new year ahead of you. Because it's the end of the year, and you've worked so hard to come so far, he thought he'd extend to you a gift. A special mega edition of Henley Monday featuring not just one picture, but SEVEN pictures of SEVEN DIFFERENT MEN in henleys.

HAPPY NEW YEAR LOVE THE MEN OF THE AVENGERS ALL WEARING HENLEYS!!!

Jeremy Renner shooting Cupid's arrow straight through your heart for much love in your year.

The Honorable RDJ smiles down wishes for a prosperous 2013 full of fortune, fame, and delicious shwarma.

Chris Evans stews over the ways he wants to bring peace and goodwill to all here in America and all over the globe.

Giant Chris Hemsworth is tenderly cradling his teensy-tinesy baby girl just as he tenderly cradles your hopes and dreams.

Mark Ruffalo wants you to stand up for something, whether it be for yourself or for the rights of others. Don't get angry, get active!

And finally, Tom Hiddleston, with the help of our dear friend Benedict Cumberbatch, want to remind you to be safe, be great, and be productive in the coming year.

Love to all you out there, and Happy New Year!!!

The Bachelor - Episode 8 Recap

Love is dead and there is no point in going on. I don't know how much I can support the happiness of these people today because I watched last night's Downton Abbey. Did you?

SPOILERS AHEAD - Did you scream at the TV and shoulder shaking sob just as hard as you did when Lady Sybil died in her mother’s arms? BEAUSE LOVE IS DEAD. I CAN’T GO ON. I’M GOING TO STAY IN MY PAJAMA’S AND DRINK HEAVILY TO GET THROUGH THIS. SEAN WILL NEVER LOVE ANYONE LIKE MATTHEW LOVED MARY. JULIAN FELLOWES, HOW COULD YOU TAKE HIM FROM ME? HE HAD NO CHIN AND A PUDDING FACE BUT WAS SO SO HOT AND SO, SO PERFECT.

No more Downton related spoilers henceforth.

Let’s go on some hometown dates and meet Desiree’s horrible hillbilly brother.

AshLee and her adoptive family are up first in Houston. She has her tiny dog Bailey with her for their wee picnic date in a majestic field.  I assume her family is great with zero foreknowledge because if they were dramatic we’d have seen them in the previews.

“Here I am about to introduce this man that I have fallen into love with to my family,” AshLee gushes to camera which is a fun way to bend all the grammar rules for coherence. Ash is so super excited because she finally feels like she’s met a man who is as exceptional a man as her father. I want to hate that, but I can’t. I guess in my mourning I’ve become more lenient with them for saying cheesy things because, like, everyone deserves love.

AshLee’s house is exactly how you would picture the house of a preacher from Texas. Her father is a giant Texan with a mustache and her mom is portly and full of love. I love her parents immediately, and I speculate that they’d get along great with Sean’s family. AshLee cries when telling her parents about the polar bear plunge which is a little much, and then she makes her parents extremely uncomfortable by telling them they rolled around in the sand in St. Croix.

When Sean and her mother Deborah have their chat, guess what they talk about? You’ll never guess. It’s a real shock. Are you ready? Did you guess? Did you guess it was her adoption and abandonment issues? IT WAS! YOU WIN!

Her dad is protective but still very sweet. He gives Sean his blessing to ask AshLee to marry him should he so desire. And then her dad cries telling Sean how he fell in love with AshLee the moment he met her, and I cry a little because it’s a father’s love, you guys! It’s a really great hometown date; I’ll give it an A.

Cute Catherine and her hometown of Seattle are up next! Of course she is from Seattle. It makes perfect sense. They’re of course going to that famous Seattle farmer’s market and have adorable times. They do the famous fish throwing thing, and Sean gets involved and my heart gets a little involved with some of the burly fish mongers who are tossing fish about. I can’t imagine him smelling very good after that. Then they make the vegan catch dead and decapitated fish. I like that she’s game for it and is adorable while doing it. They are one beautiful couple, and can you just indulge me for a second and imagine how beautiful their multicultural kids would be? So beautiful.

Over lunch, Catherine gives Sean a crash course on Filipino culture, and MAN is she cute. He meets up with her mom, her grandma, and her two sisters. Their house is artsy and cozy and filled with culture and love. They have such a cute time. I have no other words. Everything is cute. Even grandma telling him he’s handsome in broken English.

Her sisters however are blank faced while they have a serious talk about their relationship. They are really combative, and she’s kind of frazzled by it. I totally understand why they would be protective and try to challenge her, so I hope she feels confident going forward.

When Sean and the sisters talk, I worry that they’re trying to dissuade him. The older sister really takes the lead on saying so many words, like a lot of words, to say almost nothing. They shit talk her, basically, and call her messy and moody and hyper-focused which SUCKS of them to do.

Her mom is the best one. She is warm but honest and very sincere in her responses to Sean as to her feelings about their relationship. When he asks for her blessing to ask her to marry him, she doesn’t give a straight answer. This worries him. In the end he feels like he ended up with more questions than he got answers. It was an A+ first half of the day, and a C meeting with the family. But I’m rooting for those two crazy kids!

Lindsay brings Sean down to Missouri to meet her military family in her military base hometown. It’s safe to say this isn’t where she grew up, but it’s where her family is now. So they have as nice a time you can have in a sleepy little town in Missourah. Lindsay is whatever and just kinda ditzy. Sean is red as a beat as he’s talking about meeting her dad who is a two-star general. He is a nervous little strawberry.

Oh good now it’s time for planned fun. Lindsay makes Sean put on a really cool mock turtle neck army t-shirt and olive-drab pants and makes him get “military” ready to meet her dad. He can’t stop giggling. I’m glad to have proof that no one looks good in a mock turtle neck. YA HEAR THAT, LL BEAN? NO ONE.

I understand why Sean is so nervous a little better when Lindsay explains that people who graduate from West Point come to Fort Wood to do their officer training and her dad is in charge of all of it. Her dad is in charge of the training of the people who survived West Point. So. Yeah. Sean’s nervousness is completely warranted.

Her mother is just all bubbles and her younger brother is shy and nice. Her dad is intimidating. She is just like her mother. Somehow I love the effervescence on her mother where I find it cloying on Lindsay. Her family makes me like her more. Dammit. During the chat with her mom, Sean says the same things he’s been saying the whole time. Lisa gives Sean her seal of approval.

The conversation he has with Lindsay’s dad is less warm. By no means is he scary or mean or horrible, but he’s concerned that his daughter will get hurt. When Sean asks for the marriage blessing, Papa General hems and haws over it. He’s very kind about it though, he’s not declining to answer because he’s a dick, he’s just explaining his thoughts the best he knows how. He ends up giving his blessing, and I totally love him. Her family is great, and they give him a set of identification tags from the Army and oops I’m crying. It’s just such a nice gesture. I’m so emotionally vulnerable right now. A- minus overall hometown date.

Let the drama begin! We’re heading back to LA to meet Desiree’s family. I know she lives in Charleston, and for some reason I never would’ve thought her family lived in Los Angeles, particularly because of what I’ve seen of her hillbilly brother. They go hiking like I see people do in movies and TV shows all the time. She is great for admitting that she just wants to go on hikes and make out. Yeah, Dez. That is pretty great, girl. I feel you.

They walk into her house which is nice and not, in fact, a tent. The two of them make dinner together, and I’m confused about the family situation and what her family does now so as to afford a nice, stable home. When there’s a knock on the door, some dork in plaid shows up. Dez does not seem pleased. He wants to talk to Dez and tries to get the cameras to turn off. He says, non-convincingly, “Dez. I love you. I’ve been texting, calling you. Where’ve you been?”

“I’ve been busy,” she says and gestures to Sean.

Sean’s response is, “Wooooaaaah.” His wheels are turning pretty hard. Mine are too. I sense a prank.

The fight escalates, and Sean sticks up for her and tells this guy to hit the road. Then the truth is revealed. I bet it’s a prank. It is a prank. The goober guy is an actor, and Dez used it as payback for the terrible prank he pulled on her. But Dez wins on this one because she got to see Sean be protective and great. Still maybe not the best timing given his anxiety about meeting the fam?

Too bad the real drama is coming! We meet her mom Roxanne, her dad Tony, and her brother Nate. Nate has a tattoo of a necklace, so that’s a thing. Perpetually accessorized. Her father is just adorable, and you can see where she got her mega-watt smile. Her mother is too sweet. The conversation he had with her dad went well even though they didn’t show us. Everything seems great…until.

Nate is skeptical and inquisitive and accusatory. He’s weird. Nate thinks this is stupid. He said so. He doesn’t want her to fall for the “wrong dude.” He seems wise and full of worldly experience in addition to being the kind of guy from whom you’d take important life advice.

He pulls Sean aside for a heart-to-heart. Nate’s mouth is tiny and his ears are big. He accuses Sean of not feeling anything for his sister. He doesn’t believe that Sean reciprocates any emotion for his sister, but that is patently false. Sean is the epitome of diplomacy in how he’s talking to this guy coming at him hard and heavy.

“I think you’re just a playboy having fun with the circumstances,” Nate laughs at him. It’s rude.

Sean is riled up for real because his dignity and integrity are at stake now, and he can’t convince this hillbilly that he’s for real. In the end, Sean just clams up, and they head back inside to stop the conversation. Dez immediately knows something is wrong and the whole rest of the family tells Nate to shut up. They are embarrassed and awkward which is so disappointing because her parents are so sweet and DEZ IS THE BEST. COME ON. SEAN. DON’T DOUBT WHAT YOU HAVE HERE. YOU CAN FIX THINGS WITH HER BROTHER OR JUST GET OVER IT.

The only thing left is the rose ceremony back at the Bachelor Mansion. Sean tells us that he feels confident about seeing a future with AshLee and Lindsay, but a question mark lingers over Desiree and Catherine. FINALLY, we get a Chrarrison sit-down-talk-about-your-feelings-time.

Sean is confused. The only negative he has for Dez is her brother. The negative he has with Catherine is that she is a free-spirit and isn’t in a place where she’s ready to completely settle down and get married. The choice there is pretty clear-cut to me, but who knows what Sean is going to think.

As a side note, how in the name of all things is the girl who got out of the limo in a wedding dress and got blasted the first night in the semi-finals of this thing? How is that possible? That girl is my age, and I do not understand what is going on with her whole situation. LINDSAY.

Sean pregame huddles at the rose ceremony that standing before them he still doesn’t know who he’s going to send home. This is weighing heavily on his heart; as well it should be, but come on dude. Don’t be stupid.

Before he gives out even the first rose, Dez pulls him aside to talk to him. Her gold sequin dress rules. She cries trying to apologize for the way her brother behaved. She knows things aren’t good for her. He is calm and reassuring, BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S THINKING.

He calls AshLee first. Next he calls Lindsay, like we knew he would. And so now it’s down to my two favorites, and this blows. The little hamster powering his brain mill is running so fast while he agonizes with the last rose. He puts it down. HE PUTS IT DOWN. WHAT’S HE DOING?  HE WALKS AWAY. REAL TIME REATIONS HAPPENING I’VE HAD TOO MUCH WINE MAYBE. The intervention music starts up while he goes back to the room to look at the ladies’ pictures one more time.

So he puts the two girls through a tortuous wait while he figures out what he’s gonna do be\cause he didn’t figure it out before! Sean! Get your shit together! He finally comes back into the room to deal the final blow to one girl.

He calls Catherine’s name. Oh no. Oh boy. I am breaking inside for Desiree. I cannot believe Sean let her brother ruin this. OH WELL. DEZ FOR THE NEXT BACHELORETTE. COME ON NOW. WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO MARRY THAT BRIDAL CONSULTANT WITH A SMILE AS BRIGHT AS THE SUN?! I’M SO HURT BY THIS DECISION SEAN, BUT YOU’LL BE SORRY WHEN SHE FINDS THE MAN OF HER DREAMS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER AND YOU ARE SINGLE WITHIN 8 MONTHS OR LESS.

SEE YOU LATER SUCKER; I’M ON DEZ’S SIDE NOW. I MEAN, PICK WHO YOU’RE GONNA PICK, BUT DEZ IS THE BEST AND YOU ARE A DOOFUS FOR NOT SEEING IT. Just propose to whoever you’re going to propose to on that rice paddy in Thailand so we can move on to Dez finding love.

Alright, well, because God hates me, there is a surprise tomorrow night in the form of a Sean Tells All special. I will see you all for that journeyers because this man has some major ‘splaining to do. But for now I’m heading back to my wine. Back. to my. wine.

I'm still working away on getting the Bachelor recap up for this week. In the meantime, I wanted to take a moment to pimp out my new blog!

Candice and I have been working on putting this together basically since we came down with One Direction fever back in November. We are stupidly proud of it. It would mean a lot if you check it out and give us a follow.

Love to you all and that recap is coming soon!

Hello and Welcome!

I’m Cassie and the other Moderator here is my best friend forever Candice. We’re just two 26 year-adult women with a crippling obsession with One Direction.

We just wanted to have you in to say welcome and let you know what kinds of things you can expect from us. As fully grown...

The Bachelor - Episode 5 Recap

Good-bye Beverly Hills and hello Santa Fe! Our journey tolove brings the hopeful contestants to sunny, arid New Mexico this week, and if the Internet is to be believed IT. GOES. DOWN. Chris starts us off in the middle of a field of hot air balloons, and he has no idea what’s in store for him.

Megan seems to think that Santa Fe is a beach resort town. Oh, honey. She also thinks New Mexico is a separate country but not Mexico. Oh,oh, honey. Megan’s confusion does not stop the girls from invading and being in awe of their Plush Ass Suite.

As much as everyone is clamoring for the individual dates this week, the first one goes to Carly our friendly cruise ship singer with the worst eyebrows in Bachelor history. Her date card reads “Let’s come together.” I giggle like a schoolgirl just like the producers did as they wrote the card.

Chris is wearing a rust colored Henley for the date today and is excited to see if there’s something romantic between him and Carly. Carly joins Chris at the seemingly abandoned Hacienda de Cereza. It is most definitely not abandoned though. Chris and Carly come upon a woman meditating on pillows in front of a desert vista. This woman’s name is Tziporah Kingsbury and her job title is Love and Intimacy Mentor. I am NOT ON BOARD for this.

“What we’re gonna do is just go through various processes today just to put more juiciness into your relationship,” Tziporah coos to the couple. Absolutely not. AbosoLUTELY not will a woman named Tziporah talk about juiciness. No. NO. But she is.

Chris is relying heavily on Tziporah to help bring out the chemistry between him and Carly. He is so convinced of her skill and ability that if she doesn’t bring out the “chemistry”, he will call it quits with Carly! THAT’S A LOT OF STAKES FOR A WOMAN OVER FORTY WITH A NOSE RING AND FEATHER EARRINGS WAVING BURNING SAGE IN FRONT OF YOU.

She has them sit back to back and breathe deeply. She has them sit in front of each other and Carly blindfolds Chris.

“Who turned out the lights?” he jokes in the most feeble voice as if he knows how not funny it is. It’s like he has a sickness and is so ashamed that he can’t control the impulse to make that terrible, terrible joke.

Then Carly gets to do exactly what Megan did with him last week which is dip fruits and nuts into chocolate and feed them to Chris. What the hell is this show’s fixation with this exercise? I have seen it executed no less than five times. It’s not sexy. Is there some grand conspiracy I’m not aware of?

Carly also has to explore Chris’s entire body with her hands, so that is difficult to watch. She’s uncomfortable with physical intimacy but also, I imagine, deeply uncomfortable with f***ing Tziporah sitting there and watching and coaching her.

As the physical coaching escalates at an alarming rate, Chris has an epiphany. “I thought we were coming here today to meet with a love guru. But it turns out she’s a SEX guru,” he says. It is not what he was expecting.

Cut to Tziporah telling Carly and Chris that in order to “remove masks” that we wear in front of our partners, they will be removing the physical masks of their clothing. Carly is very timid about this because it’s a first date and there’s cameras and also it’s F***ING WEIRD AS F*** TO MAKE PEOPLE WHO AREN’T ALREADY IN AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP DO THIS. Chris whispers a bunch of stuff about how they’ll just do whatever she’s comfortable with.

So they stand up and face each other and Carly helps Chris remove his shirt. Then he helps her remove hers. Neither of them feels good about this. Of course Carly is then instructed to remove Chris’s pants.

“I’m really uncomfortable,” she whispers to him.

“So am I,” he whispers back. They both decide not to have Carly remove his pants. He shame-whispers again to Tziporah that it’s their first date and that “some things are worth waiting for”. Noble, but maybe speak up a little next time. Tziporah is fine with this decision, so she has them tell a non-physical mask that has held them back in past relationships.

Chris says that he hasn’t committed himself to really loving someone for the rest of his life. UH, NO DOI. THAT’S WHY YOU’RE ON THIS DOG AND PONY SHOW AND NOT MARRIED, YOU DING-DONG.

Carly then reveals that she has held herself back with the fear that she is unworthy of being loved. And that’s real.

I swear to you, I’ve had enough of Tziporah for my entire lifetime. The fact that this date drags on does NOT follow the rules of the Geneva Convention. Tzippy makes Carly sit in Chris’s lap, facing him, and instructs them to explore each other’s bodies but the one rule is no kissing. Gross. Won’t see.

Tzippy is right next to the two of them making them breathe and is touching them. I’m pretty sure this is supposed to be erotic, but it is yucky to watch. I don’t feel comfortable watching this! Please let me stop seeing this! Too intimate for my eyes! Physical intimacy: YUCK!

They finish with a passionate kiss. I’m all tapped out. I did not care for one bit of that.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…it’s fun that I can say that. The headbands’ reign of terror on this season’s contestants is still raging on, and Kelsey is talking about her dead husband. He only died a year and a half ago, and it was very sudden. So sudden that she doesn’t even remember the name of what happened to him? Congestive heart failure. I feel like if my young husband just dropped dead one day I would never forget the words “congestive heart failure,” but Kelsey and I are not the same person.

Ashley I. notes that she waited over five weeks to tell people and that she seems nonchalant about it. While they’re using those facts to paint Kelsey as a crazy, I could also play devil’s advocate and say that both of those things are out of self-preservation.

Mostly, Kelsey is concerned with getting a one-on-one date so she can tell Chris her story about being a widow. It’s “imperative” to her. Why now, though? Why wasn’t it so imperative before?

The group date card comes though and with it, Kelsey’s fate. First on the list is Jade, then Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha (who?), Ashley, annnnnnd Kelsey. “I’m rapidly falling in love,” the date card says. Britt is thrilled to have the other one-on-one, but Kelsey is seeing red. She thinks it is unacceptable that she is not being made to feel special. Cool.

Carly and Chris have their special dinner in a lovely southwestern lodge. Carly takes the time to be serious and have a real emotional talk with Chris. She shares that in the last long-term relationship she had, her partner never wanted to be physically intimate with her, and it really took a toll on her self-esteem. Damn, I get Carly on a soul-to-soul level. Dammnit, I really wanted to hate her after her entrance singing on a pink karaoke machine, but I just can’t.

Chris assures her that she’s beautiful and talented and smart and funny, and that’s great. She is. CARLY YOU RULE, BUT ALSO THE SELF CONFIDENCE YOU SEEK MUST COME FROM WITHIN AND NOT FROM THE VALIDATION OF A MAN ALTHOUGH THAT TYPE OF VALIDATION CAN CERTAINLY HELP. LOVE YOU FIRST, CARLY!!!

She feels really wonderful about the date and how Chris makes her feel. And she accepts Chris’s rose.

“Chris makes me feel beautiful, and I have not felt beautiful in a really long time,” Carly beams.

For the group date, the women and Chris will be white water rafting on the Rio Grande. Megan, who has taken up the role of comedic relief since Ashley S.’ departure, is excited to be rafting, but fearful of what might lie under the surface of the river. “There could be alligators,” she suggests, “or dead bodies.”

After a rousing safety debrief from an old timey prospector- I mean River Guide- named Cisco, the group sets off. This date is once again a test to see if the women are comfortable “hanging” outdoors. Ugh. Get over it, Chris. You spent time outside. Stop torturing these women.

They raft down the river, and Jade falls out. Chris has to massage her when they hit land because her body goes into hypothermia all the time, and the water set her right into it. That’s literally the only thing we get to see of the rafting. Oh, and Kelsey has a freak out that she can’t get a massage because she’s “fine. FINE.”

But the date was cut short for good reason because guess what?! Just as the evening cocktail party is about to begin, Chris runs into JORDAN THE HOT MESS STUDENT ELIMINATED IN WEEK 2 in the lobby! AMAZING. These girls are THIRSTY for some Chris Soules.

Jordan starts out a big speech about how she drove from Colorado and how she feels so tortured that she let things end the way they did. She feels she has a “strong faith in God that led [her] here.” Meanwhile Chris’s face is like “uhhhhh…how do I get her to go away?”

He reminds the camera that the main reason he let her go is that he felt she was taking advantage of the open bar more than being there to find love. I would have to agree and this seems like the epitome of crazy.

She asks for a second chance with Chris, and, get this, HE ACTUALLY CONSIDERS IT. The dumb-dummy falls for it. She arrives on Chris’s arm to the cocktail party, and the women are steamed. None of them think she should be there, but here she is. Jordan will be staying for at least the cocktail party, and Chris has opened the door for the other women to share their feelings on her. Jordan is a barrel full of fish and Chris just handed all the women a semi-automatic gun.

Tempers flare all around not only towards Jordan herself, but between Ashley and Whitney as well. Ashley is of the mind that since no one wants Jordan to be there, they should all just be mean to her. She’s unwanted competition, so they can be mean to her. Whitney is being a sane person who thinks that even if she doesn’t want Jordan back at all, that doesn’t give you carte blanche to just be horrible to another person.

Each woman takes a portion of her time with Chris to emphasize that they do not want Jordan there. Some are eloquent and diplomatic, some are blunt, but no one wants her there.

In the Plush Ass Suite, Britt receives her date card. Carly also reveals that Britt is open about having not showered in weeks. Britt doesn’t shower. Ok. Alright. That’s a thing I now know. But more importantly the date card says, “The Sky’s the limit” and Britt crumples in terror. In her talking head, she actually breaks down crying because she’s so terrified of heights. Gimme a break, lady.

But for Jordan, her break has come once again, for her heart. That was a stretch, but basically, Chris sends Jordan right back home. She cries as she hugs all the girls goodbye again, but I feel good about Chris’s decision to not make every single woman livid. But even so, the tension in the room is thick as Chris returns to hand out the date rose. He gives it to Whitney for making him feel special and for being “there for the right reasons.” Yay Whitney! And Samantha has literally never said a single word on camera.

The seeds of discontent have been sown between Whitney and Ashley, as Ashley runs off to cry about the rose to Mackenzie. Mackenzie, for being 21, has a very wise moment as Ashley is whining about how “fake” she thinks Whitney is. Mackenzie simply says, “I just think you don’t like her.” And Ashley can’t really argue with that. The other women support Whitney though because I think, in general, people can’t deal with Ashley’s dramatics. I know I can’t.

Ah, now it is time for our one-on-one. Chris sneaks into the hotel room super early to wake up Britt. Britt is wearing just as much makeup first thing in the morning as she during a rose ceremony and Chris seems to think that’s just magical beauty. I think it’s not good for your skin, and Carly confirms that it’s not magic. It’s just that Britt actually puts on a full face of makeup before she goes to bed “just in case.” Well this time it paid off, and HOW PSYCHO IS THAT?! Carly and I, being soul-to-soul, agree that Britt needs to go away. And get a haircut.

They hop into a car and drive through the sunrise to a field where a hot air balloon is being inflated just for them. Britt was terrified all during the car ride because she’s soooo scared of heights, but as soon as she sees the hot air balloon she is giddy like a girl. What a fun and quirky girl she is. I DEFINITELY want to be her friend in real life.

New Mexico is really beautiful and I gotta say, I would never say no to a hot air balloon ride. It is beautiful and cool.

As the girls talk about why they don’t like Britt and think she’s weird, she and Chris arrive at his hotel suite. Scandal is a-brewing! The girls discuss how Britt said she’s in no hurry to get married and have kids. Chris and Britt talk about how they want SO MANY kids. The girls discuss how manipulative she is. Britt gets the rose. They don’t think she’s there for the right reasons. Chris and Britt kiss passionately in his bed.

“This date started in bed, and it ended in bed!” squeals Britt. And the last thing we see is Chris closing the bedroom doors of his suite. Dude. Things are HAPPENING THIS WEEK! FINALLY.

When Britt comes back from the date, she tells the whole room full of women exactly what they did, including coming back to his room. She shares that they “just ordered room service and took a nap.” She is met with [edited] stony silence.

None of the women are pleased by this, but least of all is Kelsey. This final act has made her feel the least special of all! And this must be rectified! And off she goes. Kelsey takes off into the resort to find Chris in his hotel room.

She has decided that this time, right now, is when she will tell her story to Chris.

“Otherwise I run the risk of being sent home without him knowing that I’m a widow,” Kelsey insists with an intensity that belies how serious this situation actually is. She then dives right into her story of her husband and their love and how he died. She and Chris embrace. It goes fine. Then we get this…

“Ugh! Isn’t my story just amazing?” a smiling Kelsey asks the camera, “It’s tragic, but it’s amazing. I love my story.” I feel…did she meet Juelia? I mean not that it’s a competition and a Sad Factory (though it can be) but as far as tragic and complex stories go, Juelia has her beat by a long-shot. And Juelia didn’t beam with pride about her tragedy. What the hell is going on here?

Then, as Kelsey and Chris embrace they begin to kiss. She kisses his nose with a tiny, tender baby kiss, and then I puked all my bones out. Kelsey is VERY pleased with how all this went.

“I know this is a show about Chris, but this is my love story too,” she says. Oh isn’t it just? The type of bizarre behavior exhibited by Kelsey is a silent, threatening, terrifying kind. I’m concerned about her and the rest of the women. She genuinely thinks this show is all about her and how we get to be privy to a woman shattered by tragedy picking up the pieces and starting over in love. That’s me paraphrasing HER WORDS. Shut up? And also, I’m worried? Did she make it all up? Does she have borderline personality disorder and did she make up this story for attention? I’m so confused by and concerned about her!

To further this terrifying feeling, as the women gather for the cocktail party before the rose ceremony there is a current of tension running through the air. Everyone can feel it, even the women who have roses. We get to hear Samantha say her first words. And everyone is worried, except for Kelsey. She’s just smiling and laughing and having a great time because she is 100% positive she’ll receive a rose for revealing to Chris that she is a widow.

Just as she sits so smug, Chris walks in to give the pre-cocktail party speech. He is notoriously terrible at speeches, but this one seems especially strained. He stumbles over words as he describes the emotional week he’s had here in Santa Fe. When he gets to talking about the emotional talk he and Kelsey had, he says that it really made him think about this whole process and it put things into perspective. And then Chris gets so choked up that he is silent, then excuses himself from the room.

The women turn to Kelsey for some kind of explanation. She tells them that she went to his room to tell him her story and that it went well. Carly is suspicious of this because she believes that had Kelsey not done this, Kelsey would’ve gone home. Now that Kelsey did have that talk, Chris has to send someone else home instead. I get where she’s coming from but that might be flawed logic. He might be upset because he still wants to send her home even though she just poured her soul out to him.

Kelsey goes on that she doesn’t quite understand where this delay is coming from because “he knows what he needs to do.” And the women are like, “HOLD UP, WHAT NOW?” But Kelsey, through her wise tears, explains that today they spoke about time and how important time is. Because Kelsey understands what time means, “that every day is precious and you should never take it for granted.” And she talks about Chris like he’s her man that it’s the first time she’s seen him “act from the heart” in a while and that it’s hard because it means SHE has to say good-bye to people.

Girl. This show is not called The Kelsey. This show is called The Bachelor and nobody gives a crap about how hard it will be for YOU to say good-bye.

Chrarrison walks balk into the room to announce that Chris will forego a cocktail party and move straight to the rose ceremony. The women are panicked and emotional about this. Mackenzie, whose hair once again looks great, speculates that Kelsey should be more concerned than she is because she did open up so much that Chris might feel bad about sending her home.

And Kelsey finally gets that stark realization too. She does not want to go to a Rose Ceremony, and she gets up to excuse herself from the room. And the next thing you know, Kelsey is on the ground hyperventilating and in hysterics. An Australian woman named Diane with the longest ponytail in history tends to her on the ground as she cries out in agony and despair!

AND THEN WE CUT TO BLACK “TO BE CONTINUED…”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I’LL SEE YOU GUYS NEXT WEEK ON WEDNESDAY BUT UNTIL THEN CHECK ME OUT ON TWITTER @CHASSPOD AND REMEMBER THE ASK IS ALWAYS OPEEEEEEEEEN.