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The Bachelor - Finale Recap

Ladies and ladies (and, like, a few token dudes) welcome to the finale of The Bachelor. It’s down to just two contestants: the seemingly bred in a factory to be a perfect contestant on this show and fertility nurse Whitney, and the stunningly beautiful, has an identity outside of this but it is only being referred to as The Virgin, Becca.

Who will Chris choose?  Will it be neither? Just as they want us to fear at the end of every season of this show, Chris wonders if he’ll even be able to propose to anyone because he’s so torn. I somehow have a feeling Chris won’t be pulling a Juan Pablo on us. I can smell a proposal a-brewing on that one.

Of course, the finale is live because why wouldn’t it be? Chrarrison has promised a dramatic turn of events from his dais in Bachelor Central. God bless him. Chris Harrison: American Treasure.

The finale will not be taking place in some exotic locale, oh no. We’re ending this thing in the only appropriate place: Arlington, Iowa. How could it be anywhere else when deciding to love and marry Chris is equally deciding to love and marry Nowheresville, Iowa?

Chris pulls up to his parents’ farmhouse where all the sisters and brothers-in-law and nieces and nephews have gathered to meet his candidates for future wife. His mom Linda is a treasure. She looks like she was carved from a strong American oak tree and knows secrets about life she’d dole out while making biscuits with you on a Sunday afternoon.

Whitney meets the family first. There’s a light dusting of snow on the ground, and it looks to be about six degrees out. Whitney is already emotional about the high stakes of making a good impression on his family. She obviously passes with flying colors because Whitney is a human rainbow. The sisters love her and the parents think she’s so beautiful and strong.

As they sit down to lunch, Whitney makes a toast to let the Soules’ Family know that she came on the Bachelor 100% for Chris. She also thanks them for being so welcoming to her and gets choked up in saying how much she loves him. I get choked up. What’s happening to me?!

The Sisters Three sit Whitney down to have a hard hitting discussion about her relationship with Chris and how she sees their future. This woman is so poised it’s insane. She is knocking all their questions out of the park talking about how she can’t wait to be part of a family again and how she is ready to be a mom and wife that she could just pick everything up for him.

The Sisters Three are completely taken with her, and how could they not be? Whitney could charm the pants off Stalin.

Then Chris sits down to debrief with his sisters. I know they are all related because they all share certain features. But it’s the strangest composite of features from both parents. Like Chris’s head is the same shape as one sister AND NOTHING ELSE IS THE SAME. And then he has the same nose and mouth as another AND NOTHING ELSE IS THE SAME. It’s so strange. They’re all good-looking people, but the way the genes sorted themselves is bizarre.

“What hesitations do you have with Whitney?” one sister asks him.

“I don’t. With Whitney I don’t,” Chris fires back right away.

So, knowing that he is confident in Whitney’s unwavering commitment to him and Arlington, they ask what he feels about Becca and how that differs.

This is a much harder question for Chris to answer. He doesn’t even really name anything specific about Becca that makes him really like her. Just some facts like she’s “athletic” and “shy at first”. This is telling. I really, really think that Chris is infatuated with Becca, but with Whitney he could MAYBE have a chance at something real, insofar as one can after The Bachelor.

“You came here to find a wife. You didn’t come here to find a girlfriend,” the youngest sister throws down. That’s a heaping spoonful of reality. Becca is a fun girlfriend he might fhave for awhile. Whitney is your wife.

We round robin over to Whitney and Linda having their heart-to-heart.

“So, you say you think you’re in love with my son. What do you love about my son?” Linda asks.

“I don’t think I’m in love with him, I know I am,” Whitney fires back. These are two women with backbones. I like them together.

“I lost my mom ten years ago, and I have been waiting to call someone ‘mom’ and call someone ‘dad’. And I’ve been looking to find someplace that can really make me feel loved and I can just be myself, and you make me feel that way. You really do,” Whitney tells Linda. Oh boy. Those are emotions! Moms! Losing moms! Finding moms! It’s a lot for me! Moms are the best!

“I know that I could take you and love you just like that. But that’s not my decision to make, that’s Christopher’s. And I just hope and pray he makes the right one,” says Linda. Oh wow well she’s the best. She totally has biscuit life secrets!

As the couple say goodbye to each other on a frozen dirt roads, they do a bunch of tiny smacky kisses (WHY?). Whitney leaves, telling Chris, “Don’t you dare forget how much I love you.”

After she leaves, Chris joins the men of the family in the work shed surrounded by metal and tools. So manly. Men.

Chris shares his reservations about how he knows Whitney knocked it out of the park with all of them, but he still cares about Becca so much. He’s torn and is looking for advice. He also doesn’t want the family to write Becca off after having been so blown away by Whitney.

“Whitney is all in. But it sounds like Becca has played her cards a little closer to the vest…I just feel like as guys, that is infinitely attractive. You know, it’s the girl at the bar that nobody can talk to. Is that part of it in your mind?” Jason, a brother-in-law asks Chris. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I THINK IT IS JASON. YOU ARE A SMART MAN.

Chris essentially shrugs that off, but we all know Jason is dead on.

The next day Becca joins the whole fam-damily.

“Relationship-wise I’m on the same page with these two women. Logistically, no,” Chris tells the family on his relationship with Whitney vs. Becca. He tells them upfront that Becca is neither as ready nor as willing to move to Iowa as Whitney. So now they are on the lookout for that.

Becca is so sweet and beautiful; she really does charm the family right away. Linda thinks she’s the funniest person on planet earth as she tells about how much her family loved Chris and then as she pokes gentle fun at how small Arlington is.

She sits before the tribunal of the Sisters Three to answer their questions. She explains that she knows she’s “falling” in love with Chris, but isn’t quite there yet.

“I’m scared that if I’m not at this place that I’m supposed to be at, that this all has to end,” Becca says. It does Becca. This is the Bachelor. This isn’t “Find Someone and Test it out in the Real World to See if it Works.” Her feelings here are COMPLETELY LEGITIMATE in a real world scenario. Most people don’t have to decide after dating someone for two months whether or not they will a) move cross country for them b) marry them. But like I said, this is The Bachelor. She can’t take it slow.

Lori and Jaci are both concerned that Becca does not feel as strongly or as sure about Chris as Whitney seems to. They have a lot of hurdles to get over.

Chris realizes after he talks things over with his sisters that he really needs to discuss the hard issues like long-distance and the logistics of their relationship with Becca. He is going to have to push her to see if there is truly a future there. They need a good, old fashioned Define the Relationship talk.

“Is she going to open up and be vulnerable? Because she’s gonna have to,” Lori says. God, how could the women in Chris’s family be so damn strong and he is such a Wet Willy?

Becca chats with Linda. And Linda, being adorable, starts with almost the same question she asked Whitney, “So what do you think of my son? Tell me what you think of my son.”

These two end up having a very real discussion where Becca is saying how hard it is for her to consider really, truly settling down and knowing if she is in love. Linda is pushing her and being very kind, but also not really pulling punches. Becca needs to think about the future. She needs to think about what she really wants and what Chris really wants. Becca has to be vulnerable enough to be open to love instead of just being so cautious and analytical.

“If you wanna go through your life and never take a chance, then what kind of life is that? And sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. But you gotta put yourself out there,” Linda says. BISCUIT LIFE SECRETS. I REALLY HOPE THAT WOMAN KNOWS HOW TO MAKE BISCUITS BECAUSE SHE HAS SO MANY LIFE SECRETS TO SHARE.

“I don’t think she recognizes that what she feels for Chris is love. I don’t think she recognizes it. Hopefully, she will,” Linda tells the cameras.

Chris and Becca leave each other both feeling uneasy about where they stand. They realize how much they have to discuss.

The very next night at the Hotel Julian in Dubuque, Iowa. Chris meets Becca in THE CAPONE SUITE to have their big discussion. So, no day date? Just an intense evening chat? Ok. I’ll skip it.

The two sit down, intertwined, on her bed to have this Very Important Discussion.

“I want everything that you can give me from your heart that I can have right now. Just to know, because I’m struggling,” Chris says.

Becca has said “I’m falling in love with you but I’m not there yet” so many times I’m starting to wonder if it’s a cry for help. Is she just repeating this to help herself escape from this? She just keeps saying those words.

She also bluntly tells Chris that she can’t make any promises about the timeline of when she’ll be ready to pick up her life or fully commit to spending her life with him and have a family. And for me, that’s it. Chris wants a family and kids RIGHT NOW, and she is still growing and doesn’t know what she wants! Chris literally asks her what she wants, and she doesn’t know. She doesn’t have to in the grand scheme of things! I don’t! But let me say it again: THIS IS THE BACHELOR.

“Why don’t you feel like you’re in love with me?” Chris finally asks. She doesn’t know. She can’t answer that.

“All I know right now is that I want you,” Becca tells Chris. I think that’s too little. I don’t think that’s enough to make this work in the long run. Becca also reveals to Chris that her biggest hang-up is what she would find to do in Arlington that isn’t just being “a wife.” And that’s a totally fair and real point and is making me lean towards thinking Becca doesn’t really want this either. This show is about getting married, and it is clear that Becca does not want that. She wants out. Set her free, Chris!

Chris’s big thick noggin still doesn’t know what to do though. Christopher. The answer is in front of you, and it’s as Ann as the nose on Plain’s face.

Whitney.

She and Chris do get their full final day date, which if he and Becca had we never saw. Whitney and Chris are on his farm to do a little corn harvesting. Mmm, my favorite date. The Traditional Iowa Corn Harvest.

Obviously Whitney is over the moon about this and says she has to “pinch herself” to believe it’s real. Oh, this corn harvest is very real. Much like on Bali, the only time Chris has been fully animated and energetic is talking about farming.

Chris gives her the tour of his sparsely decorated home. It has potential, but you can tell that Chris’s mom did all she could to make it not just a white empty space. They drink wine by the fire, and Whitney pours her heart out to him even more than she already has.

With these two we also get an evening date at Whitney’s hotel suite to have a final talk before the big day. Whitney pours her heart out once more that she is totally confident that she could thrive in Arlington because she loves Chris so much. She makes sure that everything is laid out on the table between them, so that she can come out of it with no regrets.

They share many, many tiny smacky kisses before saying goodbye for the night. Whitney feels so confident that she loves him and that they have something great, but she’s still so worried and nervous that it could all be taken away in the blink of an eye tomorrow.

As the sun rises over the vast, snow kissed fields of Iowa, Chris peers out a tiny, smudged hotel window at Dubuque to consider his future. I guess instead of the traditional Shirtless On A Balcony Considering His Future shot that we normally get, we have to settle for this.

AND THEN MAYBE MY FAVORITE MOMENT OF THE ENTIRE SEASON HAPPENS. NEIL F***ING LANE (BELOVED PURVEYOR OF DIAMONDS AND TANNED LIZARD KIND) IS IN IOWA, AND HE IS NOT PLEASED.

“Did you ever think you’d be coming to Iowa?” Chris welcomes him.

“Did I ever think I’d be coming to Iowa? No. NO. I never thought I’d be coming to Iowa,” he retorts as he takes in the meager surroundings of Chris’s hotel room.

Chris works with him to pick out a ring all while voicing over his doubts about proposing to one of these women. Becca puts on a SLAMMING FLOOR LENGTH, LONG SLEEVED, BURGUNDY VELVET DRESS. IT’S THE MOST AMAZING THING I’VE EVER SEEN. Whitney is wearing a really pretty long sleeved black (it might be navy. I’m really, really bad at distinguishing black from navy) dress. It’s not quite the stunner that Becca is in.

The final rose ceremony will be taking place in the Soules’s family barn that has been set dressed within an inch of its life. There are hanging lamps and old car parts on the walls and staged light coming through stained glass. They even built a makeshift paddock for these two black horses that they no doubt rented for this whole shebang. I’m just delighted imagining the production designers in Pier 1 just saying, “Ugh. I don’t know. I guess farm chic is what we’re doing?”

This is it. We see the black stretch limo crawling along the dirt road to reveal who Chris is sending home, and in so doing, who he chooses as well.

Oh thank God it’s Becca.

Neither of them wanted this truly long-term.  She slowly climbs through the obstacle course of hay bales and pallets they have designed and takes Chris’ hands. He makes a speech about how much he cares for her and what an amazing woman she is, but makes the turn by telling her she’s not really ready for what he wants.

She is completely understanding because of course she is. She isn’t ready.

“You’re gonna make somebody so incredibly happy, but I don’t think that I’m the guy that’s gonna give you what you need,” he concludes. Becca is so gracious as she says goodbye to him. I think she was expecting this and, though she’d never say it, was hoping for this. They hug goodbye and leave on really good terms. That went really smoothly.

She sheds not one tear in her exit interview in the limo. This woman is a pillar of grace. I also think she’s somewhat relieved that at 26, she isn’t tied down to world’s smallest town and just being a housewife for the rest of her life.

Now is the fun part. They producers are being cheeky as ever as they play music that's clearly supposed to evoke Field of Dreams over Whitney arriving at the Rose Ceremony Barn of Love.

Whitney gets out of the limo and you can hear how ragged her breath is from nerves. Good Old Chrarrison points out that she is shaking like a leaf. She is. Is her dress blue or black you guys? This is a serious problem I’ve had my whole life. Blue or black?!

He takes her hands to steady her and she is blinking like a crazed owl to calm herself. Whitney speaks first as she tells Chris how he has exceeded all her expectations of him and how sure she is that they will be together forever.  And she says, “I love you,” to him like seven million times.

Chris starts his speech to her, and he’s still really bad at speeches. True to the end, my friend. True to the end. He is so impressed with her and excited by her and amazed by her.

“It’s not work for us. It’s natural. We both want the same thing, and it feels so right. It feels so perfect,” and he takes a deep breath and long pause, “And that’s what I want for the rest of my life. I love you.”

She is over the moon to finally hear him say it. So he gets down on one knee to propose marriage to her! They kiss! The music swells! He picks her up to hold her tight! They both feel like the luckiest boy and girl in the entire world! SO VERY MAN TINY TENDER SMACKY KISSES!

Chris gives the final rose to a beaming Whitney who just keeps saying, “I love you.” They share their final moments on screen sitting on the open edge of the barn window, and it’s quite lovely. Yay for them!

This time the After the Final Rose doesn’t need a full recap. Just a few bullet points. Thank GOD.

Becca was, once again, an absolute pillar of grace as she spoke to Chris. They are both on very good terms.

Whitney and Chris are still very much in love.

Jimmy Kimmel gave them a cow he named Juan Pablo.

And...the announcement of our new Bachelorette is actually a poisonous wound festering in my soul these last few days. They claim that both America and the producers were SO torn on whom to choose for The Bachelorette that they didn’t! Both Kaitlyn AND BRITT will be competing for the love of 25 guys. And at the end of THE FIRST NIGHT the men will determine who they will be pursuing in love on the rest of the Bachelorette journey. I have enough thoughts on this to fill an entire page, but in the meantime, what are your thoughts? How do you feel about an already depraved show pitting two women against each other for the men to decide who they deem more worthy of love? Ask is open!

And once again, thanks for going on this journey with me! You are all so great and make all this hard work worth it. XOXOXO

The Bachelor - Women Tell All Recap

Welcome to your recap of the Women Tell All which is always a tricky thing to recap as there is so, so much back and forth between embittered women on uncomfortable stools. I shall endeavor to convey the high emotional stakes to you, my dear readers. And without further ado, let’s jump in!

Oh no, just kidding, there will be MUCH further ado about nothing as we get to watch Chrises Harrison and Soules crash Bachelor viewing parties across LA. There are many, many screaming women, a drunken mom who kisses Chris on the mouth, one very douchey LA guy who says he loves the show, more screaming women, and all of this set to what I swear to God on High is the score from Beetlejuice.

And for more ado, we also have a highlight reel of the major dramatic points that will be addressed over the course of tonight. The two biggest issues at hand are Kelsey the condescending widow, and the beef between Britt and Carly. The video package ends on the rather chillier things Carly said about Britt as they were both eliminated, and we pull out of video to see Britt tearing up in her chair.

My patience level with Britt’s dramatics is starting off at about a 2, so she doesn’t have much to go on here. Starting out the gate crying is NOT going to help.

“Why did you pretend to be my friend the whole time?” Britt asks Carly. And then Britt launches into a literal Sob Story about how she sat on Carly’s bed and put cucumber slices from her salad onto her eyes because she’d been crying so much about not knowing where her and Chris’ connection had gone.

WOW. So much to unpack there. Firstly, Britt needs to pare down her words and get tougher skin. Secondly, that is such a stupid and specific thing she remembers of “putting cucumber slices from [her] salad onto [her] eyes.” I mean what the hell? Did they have dressing on them? Did you actually think that was going to help you depuff IN MEDIAS CRIES?

Things escalate to where many women are talking over each other either in defense of Carly or Britt. What Carly and co. want to say is that she was “friendly to” Britt because she didn’t want to create drama or be outwardly mean to someone. But they are all having a hard time putting that sentiment together.

Quick update on Carly’s eyebrows: it looks like her makeup was professionally done. She looks great, BUT those eyebrows are still mostly the same shape but have been filled in a lot. There is hope for her eyebrows yet.

Anyhow, Chrarrison tries to smooth things out by bringing Britt up into the hot seat right then and there. We hear more about how Britt believes that her relationship with Chris didn’t begin to crumble until Carly said something. Carly pipes up that Chris in his blog acknowledges that Carly was the third person to bring up Britt’s lack of authenticity to Chris. Ashley I. did and so did Jade.

Then Jillian rips into Carly saying how she badmouthed her (Jillian) to Chris in front of her and the other women. And then defends Britt as being one of the sweetest, purest of heart people she’s ever met. Um, ok. Thanks for that shining character reference coming from the woman who asked the most appalling “would you rather…” on her date.

Britt is now putting on the biggest show that she is crying.

“Your insecurity and your jealousy shined through,” Jillian screams at Carly. At this point Jillian is continuing to scream so much that Chrarrison has to whistle to get her to calm down.

“You’re a little jacked up!” Chris says. And she calms down enough to hear more from Britt.

Basically, Britt is overwhelmed by the powers of editing and that the producers have an end game that isn’t necessarily “the truth.” Just in how she was as she was leaving the show, she has no idea how this game works. It’s a game, Britt. So yes, they are going to cut a scene of you telling Chris how you can’t wait to have kids with a scene of the women talking about how you said you didn’t want kids. They do that so that we watch the show and decide that you’re an evil, manipulative cow. Which, you’re not. I just think you’re naïve and on top of that a person I would never get along with in any capacity. But she takes everything so goddamn personally that she can’t see the forest through the trees.

As they cut to commercial, she cries even more. But she’s not crying. She’s just closing her eyes really tight, quivering her lips, and shaking her shoulders. For someone who’s trying to wipe away a reputation as fake, she would be wise to produce more actual tears.

The audience’s reaction to Carly is mixed. There’s both cheering and booing after what she says to Britt. This Women Tell All has become the Carly and Britt Show, and I don’t care for it. I don’t care that Carly said some mean things (at the prodding of the producers) about Britt. I don’t care that Britt might have been fake. They both got eliminated! Work it out off camera, ladies!

“Do you honestly think that had Carly not been in the picture, you’d still be with Chris?” Chrarrison asks.

And Britt silently nods her head as many women pipe up with “no’s”. That’s that. That’s not…no. That’s just not even close to the truth, Britt. She finally actually cries some tears to Chrarrison in what she thinks is an off camera moment. Well, Britt, goodbye.

Now we move right along from that pile up, to Kelsey our “Black Widow.” I have never in my life heard or used the word widow so much as on this season on the Bachelor.

So as we pull away from the shots of all the women celebrating on Kelsey’s elimination, we see Kelsey tearing up. She actually tears up though and cries as she describes how this whole thing has put her back in the grieving stage. She was starting to feel whole again, but now, after this experience, she’s back in terrible place.

Oh please, because you insulted everyone around you and acted like a prized idiot you’re grieving? That’s what she says as she cries so hard she asks for a tissue. I feel like ordinarily they have tissues at the ready but this time no, just Chrarrison, ever the gentleman, offering her his hanky.

“Are you sure?” she asks, “It’s silk.” He nods, so she uses it. And then there is a sound of audible disgust from the audience. Hankies are a gross concept to be sure, but Kelsey did nothing but use it for its designated purpose. Come on, audience; lighten up on her a little.

“Do you know why the women disliked you so much?” Chrarrs asks after our snot blowing break.

She hems a little before saying, “I’ve been told that I seem condescending and I use big words.”

YEAH KELSEY, YOU’RE BEING CONDESCENDING BY SAYING THAT YOU WERE TOLD YOU “SEEM” THAT WAY AND BY SAYING “BIG WODS” INSTEAD OF SAYING “LARGE VOCABULARY” AS IF THAT WOULD FURTHER CONFUSE THESE DUM-DUMS WHO DON’T KNOW BIG WORDS.

After she continues her speech about how she felt so attacked and the women are rearing to tear her up, she ends by apologizing to Ashely for the disrespectful things she said about her as they both left.

Then it’s time to really lay into Kelsey. Juelia, the other widow, is upset at how Kelsey used her tragedy as a tool and says she is the fakest person she’s ever met. Megan, whose father died suddenly in a similar way to Kelsey’s husband, can’t understand why she said the things she said about her story. Megan also hands what may be the only olive branch Kelsey gets by saying that she thinks Kelsey was still grieving, but then why did she come on the show?

Why indeed, Kelsey? And for having such a big vocabulary, she does a very poor job explaining why she said the things she said in the way she said them. We move away from Kelsey feeling like nothing is really sorted and life is meaningless and the universe just keeps quietly expanding yet remaining infinite. INFINITY CAN’T GROW, BUT IT CAN BECAUSE UNIVERSE.

Speaking of space, this is a genuinely natural transition and I’m super thrilled about it, we have Ashley S.! She is here to atone for her erratic and alien-like behavior on the show that even managed to flap the unflappable Chris Harrison.

Ashley is majestic. I will say, however, that even though I cracked wise and made jokes about her being on opiates, she might actually be. She is erratic and strange, and I worry that she might actually have some kind of issue. She speaks strangely and reacts in a way that does not say she is all there. I mean, she might be. This bizarre alien being might be who she really is, but something tells me she’s not all right. So we shouldn’t poke too much fun.

What I can point out though is that Ashley S, being inspired by her time on the show, has started growing onions. She brought Chrarrison an onion as hosting gift, and let me tell you he is downright tickled by it.

Something else I’ll add to the Ashley S. discussion is that she is very confident in all her replies. Ashley S. is Ashley S. and while everyone in the audience is tittering about what she’s saying, I think she may, possibly, be in on the joke. She acknowledges how much the cameras make her just act silly because it’s all absurd.

Chrarrison then breaks character for once in his life to ask, nay beg, Ashley to join Bachelor in Paradise. The crowd chants “Do it!” and she responds, “It’s so weird…just that we’re on TV.” Ashley S. might be smarter than all of us because she just deflected that like a pro.

Next on the hot seat is Jade in a banging red body-con dress. Body be banging. Body. Be. Banging. But also her brain and personality be banging. She’s so calm and sweet. She was upset that Chris rejected her after they had such a strong connection and had seemingly moved on after she revealed that she modeled for Playboy. She is very upset that he seemed to act one way with her even as they broke up and then called it “disturbing” in his blog that the girl he saw was different than the girl her family described.

Jade is too good to deal with a simple, idiot farmer from Iowa calling her actions “disturbing” in any way. She’s the only one other than maybe Kaitlyn who has legitimate beef with Chris for his actions and words. He’s a real piece of work, but in quiet ways, which is why I don’t know if this will be the blood bath I want it to be.

And OH MY GOD, we still aren’t getting to tromp Chris out there. Kaitlyn, the most recent reject, has a turn up on the hot seat. She is still reeling from getting eliminated in Bali and wants answers. She felt the most confident she’d ever felt at the rose ceremony during which she was eliminated.

“Honest to God, I think about this every day. Every single day since this happen I wonder why couldn’t he have given me one tiny little sign that maybe I wasn’t the one?” Kaitlyn reveals. She got a really big serving of a broken heart from Chris and just wants to understand more of what happened.

So finally, after nearly two hours of highly emotional women and back and forth that got us nowhere, Chris Soules comes marching out to the hot seat. WOW. SHOCKER OF THE CENTURY: BRITT FEELS SHE NEEDS STILL MORE ATTENTION AND BEGINS “CRYING” IMMEDIATELY UPON SEEING CHRIS.

Chrarrison hands the floor over to her right away and she comes up on stage and hugs Chris for an uncomfortable period of time. Britt starts right away by telling Chris, in the most put-on humble way, that she doesn’t blame Chris for believing Carly because Britt believed her lies too. Oh! Britt! Get thee to Days of Our Lives!

“Thank you for all that, but I want you to know that the reason things didn’t work out wasn’t because I believed or didn’t believe Carly. I mean, my decision was based on our journey together and our relationship, and there’s some things that I saw and felt that it wasn’t right,” Chris explains. Because yeah, Carly isn’t some conniving villain set out to destroy love with her litany of lies. Jesus, Britt, get a hold of yourself.

“Thank you,” she says as she wipes away yet more tears THAT AREN’T THERE, “That makes me feel better.” Oh, ok. Sure. Now you feel better that he dumped you because you were a selfish brat who threw a hissy fit about not getting your way?

Chris is really over all her theatrics and is just humoring her at this point. I think we might be done with Britt now once and for all.

Now that Britt got her martyr’s speech out of the way, we move onto Kaitlyn who has an actual reason to talk to Chris. Girlfriend needs and wants closure because she got hit by a truck when she was eliminated and given no real reason why.

She keeps coming back to the fact that he wanted her to put her guard down and be vulnerable, and as soon as she did that and opened herself up, he kicked her to the curb. Now, to be fair to Chris (though he doesn’t fully deserve it) part of what being vulnerable means is that you can get hurt and you understand that the relationship is worth the risk of getting hurt.

Chris still doesn’t have an explanation for her as to what happened and that he feels it was “like throwing darts in the dark.” OH SURE, MAKE HER FEEL BETTER BY SAYING IT WAS RANDOM.

Kaitlyn is having none of that and pipes up that Chris should have given her the same chance to talk as he did to Becca, and he should have given her the same courtesy Andi gave him by not putting her through the agony of a rose ceremony at that point in their relationship.

“What in your mind was making you think ‘You know, I’m gonna make her stand through that Rose Ceremony’?” Kaitlyn asks.

Chris apologizes for putting her through that and basically says he was doing the best he could because it was his first time being the Bachelor. HAHAHAH OH HOW RIBALD. WE HAVE FUN HERE CHRIS, YOU GIANT ASS.

To continue the skewering of Chris’s ass-hattery, Jade comes up to talk to Chris about how he sent her home and what he said to her. She calls him out for calling what he saw in her “disturbing” which he stumbles around an explanation that that was just a poor choice of words.

Jade is very well spoken and composed during all of this. She is having none of this. Chris’s reaction to her photos and basically lying to her face and saying it was all ok and then calling the whole experience awkward and uncomfortable gets put on the table. He just again, chalks it up to a poor choice of words and says that they both felt a little awkward. So that’s that. No justice for the wronged, Jade.

And then it is time for Chris Harrison’s favorite moment of any season, THE BLOOPER REEL! NOBODY LOVES ANNOUNCING A BLOOPER REEL LIKE CHRARRISON.

And that brings us the end of the Women Tell All. I will see all of your shining, beautiful faces next WEDNESDAY (ON TIME FOR ONCE THIS SEASON, I PROMISE). We have the big finale to look forward to, and although I have a very clear pick for the winner, I feel that my hopes will be thwarted. But we shall see to what extent Chris Soules shows his ass! Until they my sweets!

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

This season has flown by. I might say that every season, butit feels truer than ever here with Chris. Perhaps it’s because he’s so boringor because the women aren’t really that into him or because they didn’t goabroad and the dates were really boring. It could be a combination of all those factors resulting one dramatic, yet simultaneously, uneventful season.

For all the sound a fury signifying nothing it took to get us here, we’re at the Fantasy Suite dates already. The show has finally sprung for a trip overseas, and we find our remaining three ladies and Farmer Chris in beautiful Bali. Chris says it’s very far away from Iowa, and I’d have to agree here. Indonesia and Iowa are very far apart on the globe.

Kaitlyn is up first for her date. They start by going into a temple and are taught some traditional ceremonies by a group of women in the most beautifully colored clothing. After the temple, they walk around the streets and drink a beer, have fun with the locals. Chris loves that Kaitlyn is at ease everywhere and always seems to have fun in any situation.

Cut to the two of them walking into a monkey “sanctuary” (I use that word VERY lightly), where they are giving tiny bananas to feed to the dozens of monkeys all around. Chris gets pounced on immediately by several monkeys vying for his banana, and I can’t help but see that as a beautiful metaphor for this whole process.

“I really like to think I’m this tough person who can handle whatever comes my way, but not if it’s a monkey,” quips Kaitlyn. She’s having a rough go of it here at Monkey Sanctuary. The humidity of a tropical climate is not agreeing with her hair. She even makes a pained metaphor for how the monkeys fear for nothing in going after what they want (thanks to their habitat being destroyed and becoming dependent on human tourists for food), and she wishes she could be like that too. Ugh, Kaitlyn, I thought I could at least count on you to make the same penis joke I made, but alas, this show has gotten to you.

After making out in front of some cool trees, Kaitlyn regales Chris with how much her whole family loved him. Kaitlyn is trying to open up as much as possible because she doesn’t want Chris to worry that she has a guard up.

As we transition into the dinner portion of the date, we finally get our first shot of a stray cat this season! Those producers must have been dying being trapped in the States where we just don’t have as many stray animals to add humor to establishing shots.

At dinner Chris asks why Kaitlyn feels she has a guard up. Would you look at that? She does her best to answer him truthfully that it’s hard to feel so vulnerable in this situation. They blather on about vulnerability and “putting yourself out there” for a few more minutes before finally getting to the Fantasy Suite card.

She accepts it immediately. Chris agrees that they “deserve” it. Do they? I guess they do. I think the sexual chemistry between these two is undeniable, but I am still unsure as to whether their “emotional connection” can withstand the desolate wrath of Arlington, Iowa.

The producers get the money shot when Kaitlyn finally gets the words out that she is “falling in love” with Chris! Oh the relief on their faces. However, Chris counters that statement by telling Kaitlyn that HE TOO is falling in love with her! Now. THIS IS HUGE. I was under the impression that he is contractually obligated NOT to say anything like that to the women until his final rose. That’s why it’s always such a big deal that everybody feels insecure and doesn’t know where they stand at the end because they’ve said, “I love you,” and heard nothing in return. This could be a source of drama down the road, especially if he doesn’t end up choosing Kaitlyn.

Next up on the Fantasy Dates is Whitney. Whitney is a few steps ahead of Kaitlyn as she has already revealed that she is straight up in love with Chris. They meet to have their date on a boat. I love this. I’m never jealous of helicopter rides or private concerts from C list country stars, but I am always, always jealous of private boat rides in a tropical locale. Hell, I’d settle for a boat ride on the Missouri River. I just love boats. So tuck that little nugget away in your mental file folder of Stuff Cassie Loves.

They set sail on the Indian Ocean in a truly majestic sail boat to talk about love and their feelings. Whitney hopes to address and smooth over the fact that her sister did not give her “full” blessing for her hand in marriage. Whitney is also very calm, cool, and collected about her feelings.

“I’ve never felt so ready or sure about anything in my whole life,” she says. She’s also rocking quite the tan. Bali has been good to her.

When the subject of her sister comes up, Whitney does a wonderful job explaining how Kimberly really did a big part in raising her and is very protective. But Chris gets it. They kiss a bunch after he tells her not to worry about that and that Kimberly didn’t change his feelings for her at all.

“I feel confident that I’m going to marry Chris,” Whitney beams to camera. And I don’t doubt that she feels that. I think she’s the front runner right now, but guys, how many times have I been wrong in the past? All the time. I’m almost always wrong about who the final pick is.

At dinner, Whitney is wearing this great neon yellow maxi dress. I covet it. Chris wants to take this opportunity to talk to Whitney about the reality of moving to Arlington with her job. He deeply respects how hard she’s worked for her job and how passionate she is, so he just wants to make sure he’s not asking too much of her.

He really lays it all out there as far as how small Arlington is: how there’s nothing to do there, how you have to drive to somewhere else to do anything. He refers to it as his “biggest insecurity in this.” That’s fair because wow is it a deal breaker. I mean aside from Chris being as interesting as the empty box of Wheat Thins on my lap, Arlington is a real no-go.

“I’ve worked so hard to get where I am, but I’ve always wanted to be a mom and be a wife. And my mom taught me that sometimes, even when you are those things, it doesn’t work out. So you need to have something to fall back on. So I have this career, but I’m not fully happy...So if I moved to Arlington, I would leave my career…And I would want to start having babies, and that would be my career,” Whitney explains to Chris. Chris beams the biggest stupid smile ever when she explains that having babies would be her career, and I want to DIE. COME ON, WHITNEY.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a mother and wanting to put your full focus and time into that. Whitney is well aware that you can be many things as a woman. HOWEVER, saying “having babies would be my career” IS THE WORST. It sounds so backwards and wrong. Ugh. We are not baby factories.

“It’s not where you are. It’s who you’re with,” concludes Whitney.

Chris tells the cameras that if things continue as they are going, he could definitely see himself proposing to Whitney. And with that, they head right into the Fantasy Suite. It’s so Plush Ass. These Fantasy Suites are the only true Plush Ass Suites there have been this season.

Becca’s turn, y’all! Becca is, once again, stunningly beautiful here in Bali. She’s very nervous about the Fantasy Suite because she hasn’t yet told Chris about how she is waiting until marriage to have sex. Chris is worried about the fact that Becca has never been in love before because he really wants to come away from the show and have a relationship work. And certainly that’s a rational fear that just because someone hasn’t been in love before that they couldn’t figure it out and make a relationship work. Certainly. Certainly.

For their date, they are a walking around a gorgeous agricultural village. Chris is explaining farming and irrigation to Becca and is generally awe inspired by how these people farm in a way that “we” haven’t in hundreds of years.

And then, Becca and Chris go into a temple to meet with The Medium of the Village. So they can ask him about their future and have it foretold unto them. Wow! First Ziporah and now the Village Medium! If any Bachelor needs to mystics and mediums to spice things up, it’s Chris! They ask him questions like “Are we meant to be together?” and “Will Chris be a good dad one day?” and then Chris asks, “What’s her biggest weakness?”

The Medium of the Village responds (through an adorable translator), “She’s hard to control.” Which, I like that. I’m a wild mustang! But also, does he need to control her? No. He does not.

We get a real comedic moment, when, hoo boy get ready for how funny this is, Becca asks for advice for their important date tonight and the only thing that really gets translated is “making love.” Wow. Hilarious. I can barely type I’m laughing so hard. Sex between consenting adults is HIGH STAKES COMEDY.

“I’m glad he brought that up. I was just not thinking about it,” Becca jokes to camera. That’s actually a bit of a funny reaction from her which I appreciate. Becca has not really been shown that much despite her being all the way at the end here.

Becca continues to worry about telling Chris that she is a virgin and waiting until marriage before the Fantasy Suite tonight. She’s wearing a saffron yellow dress that is so short it flounces out from underneath her as she sits for dinner.

Chris loved her family and can see a future with her but is still worried that because she’s never been in love, she can’t get to that point with Chris. Ugh. This is such a non-issue. I mean, this show requires you to get to an advanced point quickly, so that’s fair in Bachelor World. But still, just let her get there on her own.

They address just that as Becca reveals that she believes she really is falling in love with Chris. She is also wary of moving to Arlington until she’s 100% sure that she wants to be Chris’s wife and spend forever with him. So those go hand in hand and satisfy both of Chris’s main concerns about her.

Right after this reveal of love, Chris busts out the Fantasy Suite invite. Becca takes a dramatic pause to think it over and explains to camera what her reservations are. She’s is worried that Chris will not be ok with her decision, and she’s also worried about the fact that there will be temptation in the Fantasy Suite.

“I’m not naïve to that,” she says, regarding the things that go on in the Fantasy Suite. In the end, she decides to accept the invitation in order to spend even more time with Chris.

Chris is excited to get to know Becca on a “whole other level, a level of intimacy that hasn’t been allowed.” Oh Chris, you poor, poor man. And your poor, poor boner.

After they explore the amazing Fanstasy Suite, Becca sits him down to have a frank conversation about her decision to wait until marriage to have sex. She explains that she wants him to be honest about his feelings and to be straightforward about what she’s about to tell him.

I really admire the way Becca has played this entire situation and especially the way she is telling Chris about it. With Ashley I., it was a big dramatic thing and something that you could tell she was very self-conscious of. Which is why the way she told Chris was awkward, uncomfortable, and self-conscious.

Becca on the other hand, while nervous, is confident about this fact and is standing by her convictions. I respect that. She tells Chris that it’s something very important to her.

“It’s a big part of who I am…it’s something that I want to talk about and not just kind of skim over. But I am a virgin,” Becca says.

Chris exhales deeply and then composes one of signature eloquent speeches, “Um, I am glad that you…and I…it’s never easy to respond to that kind of stuff. But I respect that in a lot of ways…it surprises me, and uh, I think says a lot of who you are and,” Chris explains, “I’m really more interested in figuring out if this could work.”

Becca thinks Chris’s response was perfect. Well, it was a good enough response. And although I can feel the disappointment that he doesn’t get to have sex with Becca radiating off his sweaty forehead, he takes it reasonably well. Again, though, as if he could respond poorly to that and not get skewered and roasted for it?

But the next day, Chris says that the overnight date with Becca was wonderful and that he’s falling in love with her. However, when they woke up together, they had a conversation about their future that left Chris feeling more confused than ever. He doesn’t know what to do because now he has to send either Becca or Kaitlyn, “or even Whitney” he adds as a hasty correction, home. Yeah, you’re not sending Whitney home, you dolt. Whitney was created in a lab to be the perfect contestant on this show.

Chris is just very conflicted about who he’s going to send home tonight. He gets emotional when he talks about how badly he wants all these women to meet his family. Oh Chris, you’ll figure it out. He sits down with Chrarrison to sort this all out. Chrarrison is amazed that Chris feels so strongly for all the women. He’s most nervous about Becca because she is not in the same advanced place emotionally and is also not as willing to pick up her life and moving to Arlington.

However, Chris feels so strongly about Becca and her family that he could see her being the one for him. He also feels that way about Kaitlyn. He also feels great about Whitney, although he’s all but confirmed that her rose is the only one he’s certain about.

In order to put as strange a filter on this rose ceremony as possible, they gather for the Rose Ceremony at one of the most sacred temples in Bali. There are very strict rules about no kissing and ladies with shoulders covered etc. Everyone is dressed in a kind of traditional way with Chris in white and the ladies in bright colors. They actually look quite lovely.

After Chris makes a speech about how grateful he feels to be there with all of them, he asks to speak to Becca. What results is a conversation where Becca reconfirms what we heard last night about her falling in love with him and that being why she’s still there. She also explains that she could move to Arlington.

And with that we cut to Kaitlyn who really feels that he’s telling Becca good-bye. She feels guilty for feeling happy that someone else is going home, but she’s excited that she could get to the end with Chris.

Smash-cut to Chris and Becca walking back into the ceremony area hand-in-hand. Whitney is surprised because she feels that Becca is very different from her.

“I think she’s young. I think she lacks life experience, and I don’t know if she’s ready for this,” Whitney explains. I agree 100%. I think Chris is getting wrapped up in the romance of the show with Becca. She’s not a realistic choice.

As he picks up the first rose, the dramatic music crescendos. He calls Whitney first. Obviously. And then that last rose goes to…BECCA. IT’S BECCA YOU GUYS. HOLY CRAP. I was mostly not expecting that. He’s such an idiot.

Kaitlyn is very hurt and visibly shaken. Becca tries to reach out a hand to her, and Kaitlyn declines it. Like a boss.

They make the very long walk out of the temple so Chris can finally hug her and tell her he’s sorry. Kaitlyn asks what happened, and Chris just talks about how hard it was for him and how excruciating it was for him and how HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW IF IT’S THE RIGHT DECISION. What a piece of shit. Also a rooster LOUDLY crows in the middle of Chris making it all about him. Sure, Chris. Keep talking about how hard this is FOR YOU as you break the heart of a real live woman on TV. That rooster crowing signifying YOUR BETRYAYL, JUST LIKE IN THE BIBLE.

Poor Kaitlyn. I actually enjoyed her for the most part. She was a real person with a personality and not a Bachelor robot. Well folks, on that happy note, we’re off until next week with the Women Tell All! Won’t that be fun? It really will be. Nothing I love quite like the Women Tell All. And also, I feel that with Kaitlyn’s fun-loving personality and big-time heartbreak, she could be well posed to be the next Bachelorette.

The Bachelor - Episode 8 Recap

WOW. QUICK TURN AROUND. We’re already onto the next episoderight after I posted the last recap. I thought about posting everything all at once, but that’s a lot of pressure. So I didn’t. You get it.

Anyways! Once again, we still have a Rose Ceremony to get through in Iowa to determine who the other three women with hometown dates will be.

Oh my God. Just kidding. Becca has a one-on-one date in Des Moines today. I can’t believe they’re putting us through this. Chris has a chill date with her at the loft he’s staying in. They have a detailed discussion about how Becca’s never been in love before, but that she really feels a strong connection with Chris. They feel strongly for each other but are excited to have more time to figure out their relationship. They watch the sunset from his rooftop and kiss a lot. Quick and painless.

In the hotel suite, the women are sitting around and talking about the Show Down Blow Down from the night before when Britt walks in. She tells the other girls that she has packed her bags and will most likely leave before the rose ceremony the next night. They are surprised because she has such a strong connection to let one rose blow it all.

Britt explains that it’s not as “petty” as just one rose, but rather that she had expressed that she could see herself as his wife and moving to Iowa. She starts to cry.  All the other women are just blankly looking at her because that is what you do on this show. You tell the guy you could envision being his wife and then maybe he doesn’t pick you first. And maybe he doesn’t pick you at all. Britt is just functioning from a delusional place about how this show works. It’s a cracked situation to be sure, but that’s the whole crux of the show. You open up to a man who has all the power and never know where you stand with him.

Britt feels the antagonism of the other women and continues to cry. She leaves the room to cry more, and the women essentially agree that if she really wants to leave, to just leave. Get out and save everyone the drama.

As the women gather in their Modest Ass Suite to assemble for the cocktail party and Rose Ceremony, Chrarrison enters to break the news that there will be no cocktail party. Britt is freaking out because she needed the cocktail party to tell Chris she was going home. Jade is worried because she needed the cocktail party to tell Chris that she did nude modeling. Whatever will happen?!

They assemble at a beautiful mansion for the cocktail party. Chris starts in on his speech about how he’s truly falling in love and believes in the process, but that the decisions he had to make this week were the hardest yet. And just then, Britt interrupts him to pull him aside to talk for “like two seconds.”

Here we go.

As soon as she leaves the room, the women are up in arms. Kaitlyn explains that Britt can’t stand the thought that he might reject her, so she wants for him to beg her to stay or to get the final word and leave before he can dump her. Preach, Kaitlyn! Even Whitney is upset by how selfish she’s being because they are all feeling the same emotions as her. Again, selfish in terms of the show, not real life. Never mistake this show for real life.

But don’t worry, Chris gets to actually shut Britt down all on his own. She is just trying to apologize and be so earnest with him about the other night, and she asks if he has anything to say in reply to her. He doesn’t really but she pushes. And finally he reveals that her behavior just confirmed things he’d heard from other women in the house about Britt being not the most honest person.

Britt then demands to know who said those things. “Was it Carly?” she asks.

“Does it matter?” Chris replies. Britt insists that it does, but Chris doesn’t budge. From that point on it’s all downhill. Britt is scrambling to get ground and a word in edgewise, but Chris plows through ending it all with. “The way Carly reacted was what I would want in my future. And the way you reacted disrespected myself and everyone around you, and that’s something that I don’t want for a wife.”

BOOM. Wow. So Chris still sent her home on his own terms, but he’s still rattled by the whole ordeal. Britt walks out and immediately starts uncontrollably sobbing and sits in the dirt and leaves. Carly is triumphant, but Britt feels so betrayed by Carly. We will be seeing more on that dynamic at the Women Tell All, mark my words.

But Britt, you can’t blame Carly for the way you threw a temper tantrum at Chris for not getting your way. At the end of the day, you dug your own grave on that one.

After composing himself, Chris comes back into the room to explain what happened. He says it was for the best and thanks the people who spoke up about Britt because it only confirmed the suspicions that he was already having.

Whitney gets the first rose (obviously), then Becca, and then Jade gets the final rose. Which means our dear Carly is going home. Carly ultimately got too caught up in the Britt Situation where she should have forged ahead with her relationship with Chris. But I stand by what I said that Carly deserves better than Chris Soules. I wish her the best and look forward to seeing her at the Women Tell All.

The women are sad to see her go. Carly is so upset to be back in the place she feels she always is, but she will overcome. If what you wanted was to feel wanted and like a priority, the Bachelor was not the place to go methinks.

With Carly sent on her way, we move into the Hometown Dates.

We start out in Shreveport (TRUE BLOOD!!!!), Louisiana with Becca. Becca is so beautiful it’s stupid. She is sweet, but is there anything there? We spent so much time focusing on everyone else that I don’t know much about Becca other than her being a virgin. Seems like a great way to generalize a woman’s personality: virgin. Cool. Modern. Feminist.

As they canoe through the bayou, Becca warns Chris that this is the first time she’s ever brought someone home to meet her family. Chris gets very nervous. Becca assures him that he’ll be fine because her feelings for him are real.

“Even though I’ve never been in love before, I’m assuming it starts with the feelings I’m feeling right now,” Becca tells us. She seems like she has a lot of depth.

Becca’s big Louisiana family welcomes Chris with open arms. I can tell right away that Becca’s older sister Katie is going to be trouble.

To wit, Katie pulls Chris aside right away to shoot straight about his feelings for her sister. She starts the conversation by saying how surprised she was that Becca let him touch her knee.

“Becca’s not an intimate person by any means,” she explains. Oh, ok. Cool, cool. Seems like something that is definitely your place to share.

Chris sits down with Becca’s mom next, and she reiterates a lot of the same feelings that Katie impressed upon Chris. The whole conversation can be summed up in her mom’s parting words of, “Don’t break my daughter’s heart. Be sweet. Be tender.” Gross. Bye!

Meanwhile, Becca and Katie are talking about how Chris doesn’t yet know that she’s waiting until marriage to have sex. They come to the decision that waiting until the Fantasy Suite would be a good moment to share her decision with him, and that if all else, they can use the Fantasy Suite to just have some quality time and order room service.

“But the sugar donut is all the treat you’ll be having tonight,” Katie jokes of what Becca might say to Chris in the most disgusting way possible to say “no sex for you.” So odd.

Then it’s time for Chris to leave, and Becca doesn’t want him to go. As they’re kissing good-bye, Chris whispers, “Can I tell you a secret? You’re coming with me.” Why is this whole date tinged with creepiness?

They go to the State Fair to ride the Ferris Wheel. They make out a ton. Becca thinks she’s officially falling in love. The end.

Next up we’re in Chicago for Whitney’s hometown date. They are claiming to be in Chicago, but it’s really some outlying suburb. Instead of giving Chris a tour of the city, she is giving him a tour of her life.

“So what do you say we go make a baby?” she winks. Normally I’d groan and be sick to my stomach but I find Whitney’s exuberance to be genuine and contagious? What’s happening to me?

Chris is blown away to see how passionate Whitney is about her job and how smart she is. She shows him all the parts of how they do what they do at the fertility clinic. She even shows Chris the “Man Room” where they get the male specimen. It’s all very tongue in cheek and they are giggling the whole time. It is high comedy.

Before they go see Whitney’s family at a cool apartment downtown, Chris makes sure to ask Whitney which member of her family he should ask to get their blessing in marriage. It’s actually a really nice gesture. Whitney tells him she’d like him to ask her older sister.

They head inside to meet her family. It’s her older sister Kimberly, her brother-in-law, her Uncle Johnny, and her adorable grandma. There’s someone else there too that was not introduced to us, so that’s weird.

Uncle Johnny and Chris talk together, and Chris seems much more passionate about Whitney and who she is than he was with Becca. Uncle Johnny describes her as a perfect combination of vulnerable yet strong. Chris loves that.

Then we see Kimberly and Whitney having a very real discussion that’s not at all rehearsed. They are arguing, really, about whether or not Kimberly will give Chris her blessing to propose to Whitney. Whitney wants a proposal from him, but Kimberly is not willing to give her blessing with three other women still in the competition. She doesn’t feel comfortable with that, but Whitney wouldn’t feel comfortable saying yes to him without her permission.

Whitney is really emotional and completely understands why Kimberly is so protective with both their parents being gone at a relatively early age. And Kimberly explains to Chris her feelings exactly when he does ask. She explains that she doesn’t want her sister to be one of four, she wants her to be the One to guarantee that he could take care of her the way she does, the way their mom did.

“I want that for her, so call me when you have that for her,” Kimberly says. I think that’s a fair compromise. Whitney is upset to hear that’s the way the conversation went, but Chris tells her that he’s ok with that.

Then to reveal to Chris that she’s fallen in love with him, she shows him a bottle of wine. She bought it in Napa a few years ago, and it was very expensive. But she bought it and told herself that she would share it with the man she wanted to marry. So they share it together. Chris kisses the crap out of her to show his appreciation for that. Whitney feels great about where they are and great about where they could be once the show ends. Me too, frankly. I’ve said it from day one: Whitney makes sense for Chris.

Next up is Kaitlyn in Phoenix, Arizona. Her family is from Alberta, Canada but winter in Arizona, so that’s where they’ll be meeting. How very posh!

She meets Chris is a dirty back alley and man is he worried about that HA HA HA! But they move right into a cool recording studio. So they AREN’T having their date in an alley. Hoo. That was rich. They are going to be laying down some sweet rap tracks. I would rather strangle myself with a live eel than watch this. But here I am.

Watching them recall different things they did so they can write a “rap” hurts me in my soul. Kaitlyn is having a blast because he takes it so seriously. One of the lines is “family means everything and so does an engagement ring.” I WANT TO DIE. I can only imagine the twisting of disgust in the pit of the producer’s stomach that is helping them record. Chris is SO bad at rapping and they are RUINING this art form.

They have fun with it though. I’m glad someone enjoyed that experience.

We finally get to her family and they are SUPER Canadian. We meet Kaitlyn’s mom, step-dad, dad, step-mom, and her sister. Chris then explains how glad he is that even though her parents are divorced, they’ve found a way to make family work.

“It definitely shows me that even in an unconventional family, there’s still a lot of love and support,” he says.

And then I paused Hulu so I could scream at the TV: UNCONVENTIONAL? UNCONVENTIONAL? OH, WOW, YES  DIVORCED AND REMARRIED PARENTS, HOW F***ING UNCONVENTIONAL! HOW RARE AND SPECIAL! OH AND WOW THEY STILL MANAGE TO LOVE EVEN THOUGH SOMEONE’S PARENTS ARE DIVORCED WHAT A F***ING SHOCK, YOU DULLARD PIECE OF HUMAN GARBAGE.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, on this show makes me more enraged than the implication that children of divorce are somehow less capable of relationships. It drives me up the wall and statements like the one Chris just made are the root of all that. What an absolute, small-minded, piece of shit person thinks that divorced and remarried parents is unconventional in 2015? I don’t even know that we’d call Whitney’s family “unconventional” because THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS UNCONVENTIONAL FAMILIES. THERE’S JUST PEOPLE WHO LOVE EACH OTHER AND MAYBE THEY’RE RELATED AND MAYBE THEY’RE NOT BUT JESUS CHRIST, BACHELOR, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS NORMAL.

Anyhoodle, back to the date. The date starts off very well because Kaitlyn’s “unconventional” family is so warm and welcoming. Her mom is especially thrilled to have Chris there.

Kaitlyn’s mom pulls her aside to chat about the standard mom concerns that even though Kaitlyn is falling in love, she has to be careful because he could break her heart.

As they leave the house, Kaitlyn sets Chris up to see something. She’s very nervous about being so vulnerable. Chris turns around to see a digital billboard lit up that says “Kaitlyn <3 Chris”. Remember when he did that for Andi last season with a plane? It’s a way of letting her guard down to tell him she loves him and to still be cute. It’s fine, I guess.

In Gary, Nebraska, the dark cloud hanging over Jade is both figurative and literal. She really wants to tell Chris about her modeling for Playboy, and is also worried her family might break it to him first. They get straight into the family visit portion.

As Chris talks with Jade’s dad and then her brothers, they are all hinting towards a secret that Jade has. Chris is starting to get worried because they are all not so subtly hinting about how she is a “wild mustang” and a “free spirit”. Her brother Zack is also just concerned about Jade’s willingness to move to Iowa.

“I feel like she’s a hot mustang, but I don’t know about a wild side,” Chris says as he tries his hand at a joke. Again, stop.

After the family date, Jade and Chris have a chat about how Chris doesn’t understand why they keep referring to this wild side he hasn’t seen. Jade takes this opportunity to tell Chris about her modeling for Playboy. She feels like she’s been harshly judged in the past, but explains that she was just going through a time of being free and taking chances at new opportunities. She then comes clean and tells him that she posed nude for the magazine.

Chris is speechless and graceless in handling this. Jade asks to show him some pictures and he just shrugs that if it’s going to make her feel better, then sure. He’s very uncomfortable and feels very strange about it.

He’s being super judgmental of her and everything she’s showing him.

“Jade seemed like a very innocent, somewhat shy girl. I would never have expected something like this to be a part of her past,” Chris tells the cameras. Ok. Sure. Surprising is fine, but I still feel like he’s being really condescending towards her in the interviews. He tells her to feel fine about it, but I don’t think he means it.

“I know you for who you are as a person, and I respect you,” he tells her. And yes, he should listen to that. She is a person not just someone who posed nude. I don’t love Playboy because it is strictly and specifically for the male gaze, but Jade is an adult woman who can make her own decisions about what to do with her body. Prizing “innocence” is such a lie, so I hope he doesn’t let this color how he views her though I know he probably will.

For the rose ceremony this week, everyone gathers in Dubuque, Iowa. The Iowa Tourism Board really won the lottery with this whole dog and pony show. Chris calls Whitney first because now that Brit is gone, we can all agree that she is the front-runner in this thing. Then he calls Kaitlyn, and lastly he calls Becca.

Which means that Jade is going home. Is it necessarily because of what she shared with him this week? No, probably not. But did that color that big dumb goon’s perspective of what was already a relationship not advancing quickly enough? Certainly.

Jade is upset to be leaving, but once again, I have to urge her to see the forest through the trees that she deserves way better than that guy. She’s beautiful and quiet but astute and she deserves great love not some farmer whose face is currently the color of my favorite boots.

Oh wow. This week has been a roller coaster of emotions for me and for the contestants. I’m excited to move towards the Fantasy Suite dates to see if anyone pulls ahead farther than Whitney. And frankly, who among these remaining women could be the next Bachelorette? I don’t know if I have seen her yet.

UNTIL THEN, JOURNEYERS! AU REVOIR! 

The Bachelor - Episode 7 Recap

“I’m gonna frickin’puke…or cry,” – Carly, Cruise Ship Singer

I will not be recapping the Chris Tells All special becausewhat is there to tell, really? There is not much. There is not much to Chris and not much inside Chris’s burnt umber colored head, so there is not much to tell from inside it. We also get to hear Kelsey’s side of the story to which I say a hearty, “NO THANK YOU.” And Andi will be here to rip open the fresh wound from her split with Josh. It’s an hour of my life I wish I had back, frankly, so I won’t put you through it as well.

I will however be putting you through the remaining four hours of The Bachelor I watched this week. I will be recapping the full episodes, which starts back in Deadwood, South Dakota with the rose ceremony. I’m two glasses of wine deep already. We’ll see how this goes.

At the rose ceremony, Chris does have a little cocktail party to give all the women one last chance to speak their minds with him. And in his time with Megan, she asks him bluntly how he feels about her and if their relationship is at the same level with the others. Chris shoots her straight and basically tells her no. And she goes home right there and then. No rose ceremony for her. Megan is beautiful and sweet, and gives one of the most graceful exit interviews yet. Take luck, Megan, you sweet, simple baby!

Despite Megan going home already, there’s still a rose ceremony to go through. Chrarrison breaks the news that yet one more woman will be leaving the pack tonight. Chris and Chrarrs step aside to have an intimate discussion, but before they even sit down, Chris stops Chrarrs to say he doesn’t think he can do this.

“I have such a strong connection with each of the women in there,” Chris says.

The women are all freaking out that one more person will still be leaving. Carly is especially nervous, and when Kaitlyn asks how she’s doing Carly replies, “Like I’m gonna frickin’ puke…or cry.” WHAT A GEM! Haven’t we all felt just that way so many times? Like we’re gonna frickin’ puke or cry? I know that I’ve done both at the same time before! So this is a fair assessment of one’s emotions, Carly.

Just then, Chris comes back in the room to announce that there will in fact not be a rose ceremony tonight. The women heave a collective sigh of relief. Chris then tells all the women that they will be traveling to Iowa for the next week. The way they react is as if Tyra just told all the remaining models that they’re going to Sydney or Beijing. But it’s not Sydney or Beijing, it’s IOWA. Not that Iowa is the scourge of the Earth exactly, but I’m not stoked out of my mind to go there.

The girls are staying in Des Moines and are surprised that Iowa actually has trees and is pretty. The girls are staying in a VERY Modest Ass Suite, and are all freaking out about two things. The first is that next week is hometowns which means the pressure is mounting to really forge your connection with Chris aka tell him you're falling in love with him. The second is that this is Chris’s hometown date, essentially, and the pressure is on to find enjoyment here and really picture yourself spending your life here. If you told me I had to spend the rest of my life in Des Moines, I could probably muster through and find a way to thrive. But Arlington? ARLINGTON? IT IS A NOTHING PLACE WITH ZERO TOPOGRAPHY BECAUSE IT WAS FLATTENED BY A GLACIER DURING THE PREVIOUS ICE AGE. I MEAN I ASSUME IT WAS MUCH LIKE THE REST OF MY GLACIAL FLATLAND HOME STATE OF ILLINOIS. I WOULD DIE. I WOULD JUST WITHER AWAY LIKE A RAISIN IN THE SUN. DOES THAT WORK IN THIS SCENARIO? I DON’T CARE BECAUSE IT FEELS RIGHT. SORRY LANGSTON, IF I’M TAKING THAT TOO FAR OUT OF CONTEXT AND USING ONE OF YOUR MOST FAMOUS LINES IN A RECAP OF THE BACHELOR, BUT IT’S MY TRUTH.

Brit finds the very first date card, and it goes to Jade. It reads simply, “Join me in my hometown.” All the women are impressed with how much this means. There is a beauty in the farm stretching for miles and miles down the road, and yet, and yet…it’s all corn. Jade is overwhelmed by how much corn she’s seeing despite being from Nebraska. She acknowledges that being from a small town doesn’t put her “too much in the clouds” about the romanticism of small town life.

Chris shows Jade all around his house. “Chris’s house definitely has a bachelor feel…It’s not too bad, just needs a little tweaking,” she giggles.  Like, maybe, perhaps, and I’m just spit-balling here, a single thing to hang on the walls. And maybe, again, just a suggestion, ANY color other than grey, white, or shades of beige. Chris’s house is fifty shades of beige. 

I am never going to apologize for that joke.

Back at the Very Modest Ass Suite, Whitney gets the second one-on-one which will go down in Des Moines. The other women are very jealous, especially Brit. Brit was jealous of Jade because she gets to go really see Arlington, and she’s still very jealous of Whitney for getting a chance to spend so much time with him. She’s overcome with jealousy.

Chris, on the other hand, is giving Jade the most depressing tour in the history of the world. He’s showing her around the dilapidated remains of downtown Arlington and talking about how machines replaced people in the work force and how every shop in town is closed. There’s even a little “shop” that opens in the morning where his dad gets coffee and it’s just a guy who brews coffee and has people over to drink coffee. It’s like looking at those Dorthea Lange photos of the Dust Bowl, but on ABC during prime time.

Jade is horrified, but is trying to make Chris feel better about the place he comes from.

“Arlington just feels like this little ghost town,” she says. And as she’s waxing poetic about how deserted the whole town feels, they motorcycle over to the local high school to watch the football game. Everyone is there. It’s…grim. I want to tell you it feels just like Dillon, Texas and Friday Night Lights, but it. Does. Not.

Then Jade gets to meet Chris’s parents standing in the bleachers. WHAT ON EARTH? I remember really loving Chris’s mom, but I still feel so weird about this date. The sad poetry of the band playing the national anthem very poorly, as directed by a man with a ponytail, and filled out by members of the football team still in gear and playing trumpets…it’s…I mean…wow.

As if the football game wasn't enough, they then take a tour of the high school. Jade reveals that she was a bit of a rebel in high school and had a tough time. Chris is surprised by this and really wants to see that wild side she’s referring to. Jade almost tells Chris about something secret from her past but doesn’t quite. Then they make out in front of the lockers by his old English classroom.

“What we were doing had nothing to do with English,” Chris says, “It felt a lot more like French.” I wish this show wouldn’t try to forge moments of comedy. They’re already there.

It’s a beautiful, sunny morning in Des Moines, and Chris and Whitney are excited to spend the day together. He takes Whitney to an art gallery because apparently Des Moines is into Art, and Chris wants to get into art too. They go through a gallery of photographs about love to get them inspired to “make their own art” around the city documenting their love. Barf no thank youuu. Whitney loves it though and sees it as a great opportunity to kiss.

In the Very Modest Ass Suite, a storm’s a brewing as per usual. Jade tells the other women about her date and when she gets to the part where they kissed in the football field to a chanting crowD, Britt puts on a big show about that making her cry. Carly is not amused. Carly says, “Britt thinks she’s the Bachelorette and she needs to be number one.” I don’t know if that’s true, but Britt certainly likes attention. Then Carly convinces all the other girls to go on a road trip to Arlington to see the reality of life there and what that might mean. It’s a full three hours away from Des Moines too which is a solid road trip distance.

As the car ride drags on, the girls’ enthusiasm dwindles. They arrive in deserted Arlington and are stunned to find that “that’s it.” They drove through in just a few seconds. There’s nothing more to the town than what they see, and they are distraught. There is nothing open in town whatsoever. They even resort to asking some locals where to eat. A nice, older man in a Call of Duty shirt (who ends up being the town pastor) tells them there’s nowhere in Arlington to eat. Britt is overwhelmed by just how small the town is.

Back in Des Moines, Chris and Whitney get dinner in a hip restaurant. Whitney even gets to meet three of Chris’s best friends. She feels so lucky to get to meet his friends and see Chris how he would be if they spend their lives together. Whitney answers all their questions with flying colors.

The women return to Des Moines to tell Jade that she was right. Arlington is small and depressing. Britt, despite her earlier protestations, has decided that she could in fact see herself there because the sunset was so beautiful. Carly doesn’t buy that one little bit; no she does not. Carly is flabbergasted at how “fake” Britt is being because earlier in the day, Britt had told Kaitlyn and Carly how there is no way she could survive in Arlington. Now she’s singing a very different tune, and Carly is miffed.

I think what we have here with Carly is a multi-faceted situation. I think, firstly, Carly is entertaining. She gives a great sound byte and is funny and entertaining without trying too hard. I also think that Carly is suffering from good old fashioned jealousy here. Knowing Carly’s insecurities, and relating to them personally myself, I can see how a lot of this anti-Britt sentiment might actually just be resentment and jealousy of the connection Britt obviously shares with Chris. We also have the unseen producers playing a hand in all this drama. I’m unsure how much of it is real, and how much is being amplified by the urging of and editing by the producers.

Britt, Carly, and Kaitlyn are going on a group date together. “I see our future together,” reads the date card. Carly’s anti-Britt sentiments really take a turn for the insane when she draws a little face on her hand and makes it talk like Britt. “After tomorrow, the only thing you’re going to be left with is your rose colored lipstick,” Carly threatens to her own hand. It’s a bonkers move, to be sure, but I again have to question whether this was Carly’s brainchild or at the behest of the producers.

Whitney and Chris’s date is still happening for anyone who cares. She was great. Chris loved it. She loved it. Who cares? Those two will take care of themselves. One important thing to note is that Whitney tells Chris that she doesn’t have a relationship with her father at all, and that her mother died tragically. She tells the story without begging for sympathy or being maudlin. It’s impressive. I really like Whitney. Chris does too. He’s so impressed by her at every turn.

The final surprise of the date is that Chris (the producers) chose his favorite picture of their day to get slapped on the wall outside of the restaurant as a mural. It looks better than just a photo pasted on a wall, there are some blocks of color and they are outline in black and white. Whitney is blown away, and Chris is quite proud of himself (the producers).

“This is the most amazing moment of my entire life,” Whitney gushes. She and Chris kiss a bunch. And in this moment, Whitney believes she’s officially in love with Chris.

Jade is starting to be really weighed down by a secret she has, so she sets out to get the weight off her shoulders. She decides to confide in our trusty friend Carly and ask for advice on how to talk to Chris about it.

“A couple years ago, I did some nude modeling for Playboy,” Jade reveals.

A big fat, “Really?” is all we get out of Carly. The conversation actually goes as well as one could hope. Jade’s main concern is that Chris finds out from her so she can explain everything, rather than him finding out through some other means. She’s also very concerned about his family’s reaction and that they don’t judge her too harshly for the decisions she made in the past.

Now it’s time for the very last group date of the season. Carly, Kaitlyn, and Britt are surprised by Chris standing at center ice of an ice rink in a huge stadium. The group date rose is what everyone is most concerned with, but I’m concerned with the fact that Britt seems to have lost the bottom half of all her shirts. Does she own any shirts that aren’t crop tops? Isn't her midriff always cold? 

They all skate around very poorly and try to play hockey. Chris is very, very bad at skating. It’s delightful to watch that giant man fall over and over again. But after the fun, we get to see Britt’s one-on-one time with Chris.

They stand on an intricate pedestrian bridge over the river as Britt reveals that they snuck away to Arlington the day before. Carly and Kaitlyn are griping back on the ice about how they know she’s probably lying her face off right now to Chris about liking the broke-ass small town he’s from.

We see Britt telling Chris how the sunset over the cornfields made her fall in love with the idea of living there. And we see Carly hamming it up pretending to be Britt saying she “really loved it!” The parallel structure of Carly mocking Britt and then Britt doing exactly those things is pretty fun. We can’t blame Carly for bringing some much needed entertainment factor here.

“He’s just getting lies fed to him like frickin’ candy,” Carly says.

I don’t think Britt realizes she’s lying. Her story has stayed the same from yesterday to today of saying that at first she was really not ok with how small a town it was, and then the beauty of nature changed her mind. I think she thinks that’s true. But she is over-romanticizing it. The reality is that Arlington IS that small, and there is NOTHING to do there. She will very quickly get slapped back into that reality no matter how many beautiful sunsets you can see from the farm.

But Carly is convinced that Brit is just playing Chris. She thinks Britt is straight up lying to him and being “fake.” She’s so convinced of this, in fact, that she decides to confront Chris about it. To which I say NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO PLEASE! WE SAW JUST LAST WEEK HOW IT NEVER PAYS TO BE THE WHISTLE BLOWER ON SOMEONE ELSE. Carly just worry about Carly! Don’t get so caught up in what Britt’s doing!

But she does. As soon as Carly and Chris sit down, she tells him everything about how Britt said she could never picture herself living there and then changed her tune so drastically. She then gets choked up saying, “I’m just really freaked out for you because I know you like her a lot, so just be careful.”

Chris thanks her for this and confides to camera that he takes seriously what Carly said.

“It was a real bomb what Carly just dropped,” he says. Chris determines to ask Britt about Arlington one more time to really see whether or not she’s lying.

Cut to the cocktail party held at a very cool antique salvage store/coffee shop into which the set dressers planted their myriad Pier 1 lanterns. Would you venture to believe that Britt is wearing a crop top? She is! Believe it!

Chris and Britt steal away first, with Chris set on confronting her about the Arlington Issue. Britt describes what a hometown date with her family might look like with everyone eating off paper plates in the living room. See? Britt’s family is just like as cool and chill and so offbeat as Britt. They like, aren’t like other families.

This time, when determining the validity of another woman’s statements, Chris does not throw Carly under the bus. He does some surprisingly good sleuthing by asking Britt again what her very first impression of his town was. She gives some cutesy answer like “is this the town before the town?!” He prods a little farther asking if at any point she was like, “Holy s**t, no way.”

To which Britt responds, “No. I was never like that but there was a shock factor.” So right there she reveals to Chris that she is lying. Because he trusts Carly, as do I, that Britt said something along the lines of “there’s no way I could live here” to both Kaitlyn and Carly.

So Chris knows she’s lying, BUT WHAT WILL HE DO WITH THAT INFORMATION. Nothing it turns out because Britt then says, “No matter where I am I wanna be a mom.” So Chris kisses her and they do a lot of gross, smacky kissing.

Kaitlyn proves to be very astute in saying that she doesn’t think Britt is lying to Chris so much as lying to herself about what she wants. Glad to know you agree with me Kaitlyn. We’re on the same page. Kaitlyn gets pulled away next and is determined to not be distracted by Britt. She reveals that she’s having a hard time because she knows they have a connection, but wants to make sure they are in a good place going forward. I like this honest, emotionally vulnerable look on her.

Chris does too, and so he goes to grab the date rose. Chris wants Kaitlyn to feel secure in the connection they have going into Hometowns. That is the most cliché Bachelor sentence in the world, and yet, it happened. This show is a parody of itself.

But, uh oh, don’t get too happy just yet. The dramatic music in a minor key starts up as we pan over the look of fury plastered upon Britt’s face. Britt pissed, y’all.

Britt pissed.

Britt so pissed she flipping her hair and cracking her knuckles and interrupting her fellow contestants as well as Chris. There is a siren blaring in the background to perfectly accent the temper tantrum she’s throwing.

And then Britt starts in on a rant about how she felt the day went really well for her and she opened herself up so much and she is really in a vulnerable place and how could Chris NOT give her the rose after saying how much she wanted him to meet her family? DOES BRITT NOT KNOW HOW THE SHOW WORKS?

She continues though! She then goes on about how she doesn’t want to feel like she’s second, third, or fourth place to anyone. She wants to feel that her husband puts her at number one. She wants to make sure that her husband really, really wants her above anyone else.

AGAIN, DOES BRITT NOT KNOW HOW THE SHOW WORKS?

THAT’S THE SHOW BRITT. IT ISN’T JUST YOU. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE THERE DATING THE EXACT SAME GUY, SO SOME DAYS, YOUR “FUTURE HUSBAND” WANTS ANOTHER WOMAN MORE THAN YOU BECAUSE THIS SHOW IS A FABRICATION AND BASTARDIZATION OF THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE.

Chris fumbles through a defense of his actions, but is ultimately confused by what Britt’s saying to him.

“Like, if you feel like you don’t want to be here anymore? I don’t know. I’m not sure what I’m picking up right now,” he says.

“What would you say to that? I mean just speaking to me,” Britt replies. Carly is sitting directly next to Britt on the couch and keeps having to avert her eyes from the beyond uncomfortable situation playing out before her.

I’ve never seen something quite like this happen on the show before.

Chris continues to stumble through that he’s just confused by the position Britt is trying to put him in by saying these things. But then he really finds his ground.

“I don’t know what else there is to say. And out of respect to Carly and Kaitlyn, I don’t think there’s really anything else I can say to you right now. This is just one more chapter in this whole entire journey, and there’s tomorrow. And so I look forward to seeing you all tomorrow. Goodnight.”

Chris basically drops the mic and walks out.

This once again leaves the three women alone to process through exactly what just happened. What DID just happen? Kaitlyn stands up for herself saying that what Britt just did made her feel really bad. Britt apologizes saying that wasn’t her intention and then just whines more about how she feels like she never gets the focus time and again.

Carly has had a few glasses of wine at this point and is exclaiming all her statements like, “You have so much focus on you! It was just you last week! You had all the focus!” and “If anyone should be worried here, it’s Carly Waddell.” Guys, I still love Carly. I want her to know she deserves better than the likes of Chris Soules.

As Carly and Kaitlyn catch the other girls up on the drama, Britt weeps to camera about how badly she feels for putting the other girls in the middle of that. She is still so unsure whether or not she wants to bring Chris home to meet her father.

I believe that Britt is feeling conflicted and feels bad about hurting the other girls. I think her personality is really affected and put-on, but I don’t think she’s a bad, manipulative person. I think Carly is being a bit of a Mean Girl in regards to the whole situation and she may have to atone for these actions at the Women Tell All.

And with that, I bid you a quick adieu because the next episode is about to start! WHAT?! IT’S TOO SOON. OH GOD.

The Bachelor - Episode 6 Recap

WITH NO ADIEU WHATSOEVER WE JUMP RIGHT INTO WHERE WE LEFTOFF LAST WEEK WITH KELSEY ON THE GROUND IN HYSTERICS AND AN AUSTRALIAN EMT WITH WORLD’S LONGEST BRAID COMING TO HER AID.

Kelsey is breathing heavily and sobbing so loudly she might attract the coyotes. The other women are looking around with vague concern, but most are wondering how much of this is theatrics and how much is reality. They agree that she is a master manipulator.

As the EMT is asking how much pain she’s in on a scale of one to ten, and Kelsey responds that she’s not in any pain. She is sitting upright with an oxygen mask and looking around with her milk-saucer sized eyes. Someone asks if there’s anyone she can get for her (because none of the women are coming to calm her down or care for her) and Kelsey responds, so coolly, “Chris.” And looks around with a glint in those murderous milk-saucer eyes.

The women agree that she’s using this to manipulate Chris to make sure she gets a rose. Kelsey herself calls that out saying to one of the EMTs, “I’m definitely getting a rose tonight!”

Uhhh, I mean yeah probably, but this is a LOT of rigmarole to lure a man into starting a magnificent journey of love with you.  Chris comes in and gives some empty words of encouragement to her. Kelsey tries to blame it on the fact that Chris sharing their conversation from earlier surprised her.

While Kelsey settles back in amongst the women, she appears right as rain and downright proud of herself for snagging some extra time with Chris. Every other woman is not only highly suspicious but super annoyed with this whole “wounded widow” act Kelsey is putting on. Ashley jokes to camera to make sure they have paper work on the whole “widow” thing because she could just be making that up. Trust me Ashley; I have thought the same thing. That girl is rehearsed like a high school production of “Our Town”.

We still have to get to a rose ceremony. What’s fun is that you can tell how much all the women are shivering out in the cold on the patio of this New Mexico resort. Jade gets called first, then Kaitlyn, now Megan, then Becca, next is Ashley, and the final rose goes to Kelsey. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. BUT YES BECAUSE I HAVE TO SEE HOW THIS PLAYS OUT BUT NOOOOOOOOO.

This means the silent but alluring Samantha is going home as well as our twenty-one-year-old single mom Mackenzie. Oh Mackenzie, go home to Kale and begin to rebuild. You deserve so much better than Chris Soules. And Samantha, I mean, she wasn’t allowed to speak but have you SEEN HER? SHE’S DROP DEAD GORGEOUS. REBUILD, SAM, REBUILD! YOU WILL FIND A REAL CATCH BECAUSE HOW CAN YOU NOT? YOUR EYES LOOK LIKE THE TIDE POOLS OF FIJI AT SUNRISE!

Ugh. We say goodbye to those gals, and hop onto plains to Deadwood, South Dakota for the week. It is beautiful and grand and as much like the old frontier as you can get in America. “This is where Wild Bill Hickok was killed. This is where Calamity Jane…did her business,” Chris tells us of historic Deadwood. Cool. Calamity Jane definitely did some business. That’s for sure, Chris.

The girls scream “Hello, Deadwood!” off the balcony of their Modest-Ass Suite. We had to yell “Hello, [Location]!!!” at some point, so why not in Deadwood, South Dakota I ask you?

Amidst all the nerves of the dreaded two-on-one that looms this week, Becca gets her first one-on-one date. Becca is beautiful and sweet, and thanks to editing, has been a dark horse up until this point. Kelsey is of course very displeased that she was not granted the highest honor of a one-on-one even though she EARNED IT.

Chris is excited for their date today, and he notes that Becca is the only remaining woman that he has not yet kissed. Becca is so beautiful and cute for this date in a little baggy sweater with black jeans action. Love it. Like her. They are going horseback riding! She’s super excited, and I would be too. There is just something that makes beautiful scenery viewed from horseback all the more majestic. Why is that?

But meanwhile, back at the ranch, Carly leads the discussion on what we don’t like about Kelsey. Now Carly, I love you girl, but this is a dangerous path on which you tread. It never pays to be the one to call someone else out on their shit. But with the encouragement of Kaitlyn and Whitney, when Kelsey sits down in the living room of the Modest-Ass Suite, Carly starts in.

Whitney opens up about her feelings about how uncomfortable it made her feel when Kelsey would randomly start laughing at the last rose ceremony which Kelsey flat out denies. Whitney diplomatically continues explaining how her actions on that night at the rose ceremony made her and the other women uncomfortable. Kelsey starts to cry as she explains just how emotionally vulnerable she was and how her thoughts were with Chris.

We move along from the rose ceremony drama to Carly flat out saying that what they see in Kelsey is very different from what Chris sees, especially regarding the way Kelsey can be so snide and mean with the other girls. I almost believe Kelsey when she tells them that she doesn’t know what they mean and is so sorry for having accidentally hurt their feelings.

Straight cut to her explaining to the cameras that she was “blessed with eloquence” and is “educated” and uses “big words” which intimidates the women. Yes, Kelsey, that’s it.  You’re just too smart. You’re too smart for all these other ninnies. This is the way to get ahead. Cut down all the other women down around you. She ends the talk by saying, “I’m really glad we had this conversation. I will really try to be more mindful.” And she ends her talking-head by saying that she didn’t go through all her “sh*t” to be defeated by petty women, oh no. “I came here to win,” she says.

Believe it or not, there’s still a date going on out there somewhere in South Dakota! Chris and Becca approach a little bonfire and couch set-up, about which Becca asks, “Is this for us?” If I had a donut for every time a woman on this show asked “is this for us?” about a blatantly obvious set-up for just two people on a date, I would easily have three bakers’ dozens of donuts. That’s 39 donuts.

Becca and Chris giggle a lot together and interview each other about their five year plans! WHAT FUN. WHAT A FUN DATE QUESTION. They talk about kids and other typical Bachelor crap like past relationships. Being able to open up to Chris is significant for Becca! She really wants Chris to kiss her now that they’ve grown closer. Chris gives her the rose through a fit of giggles and kisses her like she’s his grandma in church. But Becca comes back in for the kill and really hardcore macks him on the second try. Way to go girl.

Group date time! The women WANT to be on this card because if they aren’t, it’s the dreaded two-on-one. Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan are on the group date. They breathe a sigh of relief as Kelsey and Ashley realize they are left on the two-on-one. Ashley is excited to be challenged with defeating Kelsey, while Kelsey feels like it’s just a one-on-one because he’ll send Ashley home right away.

For the group date, would you stretch your mind to believe that Chris is excited? The date card said, “Let’s make sweet music together,” so the women really hope they’re singing or dancing. Chris explains that he loves country music, and it’s a HUGE part of his life (yeah dude, Paul Simon’s a big part of mine but you don’t see me FORCING MY SIGNIFICANT OTHERS TO LISTEN TO “ST. JUDY’S COMET” AND WEEP WITH ME ALL THE TIME). They are going to be making some country music, and they’ll be helped along the way by Big and Rich. They are embarrassing to look at. Whitney is thrilled out of her mind. This is the duo that brought “Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy” to the dj’s of high school dances all around the country. So now you know how to find them and possibly destroy them. They must atone.

Carly is super excited to be part of this date as she is a singer herself. I hope that actually works in her favor because the girl or guy who is like, “THIS IS MY THIIIIING” on a date usually fades into the background while the underdog shines. The women peel off to start writing a song and wait for their consultation with Big and Rich. It’s so embarrassing to watch them pander to Big and Rich, and Big and Rich pretending to be cool with this whole situation and for the women to pretend to be excited about this. One of them, Big or Rich, whichever one looks like Tim Burton styled Tom Waits makes Jade run down the streets to free up her creative juices. The music is triumphant. I just….ugh.

Right as Jade is starting to feel confident about her song-writing skills, Chris walks in to have some very intimate time with Britt in the middle of the room with all the other women. He kisses her a bunch, and they were completely intertwined the whole time they were talking. The heat between the two of them is intense, while the general feeling in the room is chilly.

But let this Vaudevillian variety show of horrors begin! The women anxiously await their turn, but not to be outdone in embarrassment, Chris gets up and goes first with HIS song. He is accompanied by a grizzled old timey prospector on banjo. GRIZZLED OLD BANJO PLAYER IS THE STAR OF THIS SHOW. HE’S NOT WEARING A RING! GRIZZLED OLD BANJO PLAYER FOR THE NEXT BACHELOR!

Chris’s song rhymes and is about looking for a wife to bring home to Iowa. Seems about right. Next is Britt who is dressed just like Kelly Kapowski. Her song was really simple, and Chris says he almost cried during it. Like…what? Chris has boner goggles on for Britt and Britt alone. We see bits and pieces of everyone else’s songs. They’re mostly not great. Kaitlyn swears. But everyone gives it gusto. A for effort as they say. Carly’s song was intense and special because she sang it right to Chris as he sat next to her on the stage. Chris was really impressed with her lyrical content. Still love Carly.

Jade is wracked with nerves and is so sweet and timid up on stage. Her singing is not great, but she makes it through! She’s relieved to have merely survived.

They start the cocktail party with a toast to songwriting. The most notable thing about the party is that there is no rose present. Carly really, really wants the rose not just because she wrote a pretty song, but because in that song she opened up to Chris about how much she really feels for him. Everyone has their nice little chats with Chris, and then it’s time for Britt.

Chris explains the “weird chemistry” they have and how he doesn’t quite understand it yet. He then takes her hand and literally runs out of the bar with her saying, “I’ve got a surprise for you.” Is it your dong on a silver platter, Chris? It might as well be.

Everyone else on the date notices their exit right away. Emotions run high. Whitney cries a bit as she tells us that, “It honestly feels like we’re on the Britt and Chris show.”

The pair runs across the bustling town of Deadwood to the Big and Rich concert where they dance and have a splendid time. When the duo calls Britt and Chris up on stage, Britt parades around in awe and wonderment. Tim-Burton-Tom-Waits makes Chris go get a little special something for Britt. And it’s the rose. So, was this for Britt all along? Or was this just that Chris would take whoever he wants to the show and then they would get the rose? Either way, I think this is shady. Not telling the other women what the rules are and changing them in a big way. Chris and Britt dance around on stage in wild abandonment.

Over an hour later, as the women are still sitting around speculating as to what could have happened with Chris and Britt, the happy couple walk back into the room. It falls into complete, stony silence. Britt has the rose and the stares at it burn.

Things are complex, and dealing with all those feelings would be tough, so Chris says, “PEACE OUT!” I’m not kidding. He says, “Obviously, you can see that Britt has the rose.” And then makes the flimsiest of excuses as to how he thought it would be easier that way because of the high stakes of the date? What? No. He doesn't even mention the concert. And he just leaves. He just leaves Britt to fend for herself in this group of women. Bye, Chris! You are not a good person! You are not a nice man!

“I’m sorry. I feel so awkward right now,” Britt squirms.

Carly is wiping away tears as Kaitlyn explains, “We can’t help but feel humiliated.” And Jade objects to getting any sympathy from Britt. One by one they all stand up to leave and cry. They are all distressed to be in a situation where the connection between Chris and Britt is so strong that they feel they don’t even stand a chance. Kaitlyn feels like all the ground she made with Chris today can’t make up for what he and Britt have. Whitney falls prey to "compare and despair", saying that it’s hard to feel confident in what you have when you see someone as gorgeous as Britt having what she has with Chris.

Y’ALL READY FOR THIS? It’s the Ultimate Show-Down Two-on-One. The most dramatic Two-on-One in Bachelor History. I believe it. Ashley literally says that she is Glenda the Good Witch and Kelsey is the Wicked Witch of the West. Ashley is here to take Kelsey down. Kelsey is here to be really rude about who Ashley is as a woman. Kelsey is dressed like a Kohl’s mannequin from 2006.

When the girls first got their date card, it mentioned the Bad Lands and Kelsey freaked out. She explained to Ashley that they were currently in the Black Hill Mountains, but the Bad Lands are something different. Kelsey understands these important things and what they mean. Others are just simple plebes with nothing to do but despair at her greatness of intellect and worldliness.

Chris, ever the ding-dong, explains that today will be tough for him. The trio hops right into a helicopter because the producers are finally GIVING US WHAT WE CAME FOR.  They see Mount Rushmore, and Kelsey condescendingly explains who the faces are. Yeah, we know. Ashley firmly believes that Kelsey’s strategy today is to drive her insane.

“Literally? With this? I just. Can’t. Even,” Ashley says. Amazing, incredible moments like these are what this show is all about.

The helicopter drops them off in the middle of nowhere in the Bad Lands. It is truly a canopied bed in the middle of this geographically significant part of the country. It looks like Dorne.

Ashley and Chris split off first. They start by doing some gross, sloppy kissing. Chris asks how Ashley’s doing, and she takes the opportunity to completely trash Kelsey. She says she is the outlier in the group, and they are suspicious of her strategic moves with Chris. Don’t throw anyone under the bus because it only makes you look like the villain. It never works out well.

Chris thanks her for telling him and emphasizes that he wants to make sure his future wife gets along with other people and can “gel” in social situations. And with that, they return to the canopy bed to trade Ashley out for Kelsey.

Using the baiting question of how Kelsey is doing in the house, Chris tries to pry information out of her. Kelsey right away says that as emotions run higher, it’s harder and harder to maintain friendships with the other women he’s dating. Fair enough, but not to the point where everyone hates just one person and that one person is you, Kelsey.

She makes a speech of which I’m sure she’s very proud about how Chris needs to make sure that if he gets down on one knee, the woman he’s asking is ready to be a wife. But Kelsey is ready to be a wife because she’s been one. She says that. That is such a bizarre sentiment. Being “a wife” is different to different people and different relationships. That’s not like being a virgin and being a not. “Once a wife, always a wife” isn’t a thing.

Then Chris does what might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen someone on this show, or in life, do. He tells Kelsey that ASHLEY JUST TOLD HIM that the other women think she is fake. That the other women generally don’t like Kelsey very much. Kelsey is blind-sided and says she’s hurt. She ends their chat saying, “I would hate to lose all the potential there is between us because of girl talk.”

And then Kelsey starts walking back to the canopy bed of doom with poison in her eyes.

“She’s a Kardashian who didn’t get to go on her princess date who has WAY too much makeup on to be genuine,” Kelsey spits to camera. I mean, those are all true facts about Ashley, but Kelsey, your whole personality is such a production that of course they think you’re fake. “I’m twenty-eight years old. I’ve been married. I’ve lost the love of my life. I am a woman. And Ashley thinks she’s playing a game. And I’m not gonna forget that,” warns Kelsey.

Smash cut to Kelsey staring at Ashley with a look that can only be described as festering hatred. Kelsey looks at Ashley as though she is scalping the hair off her head and holding it high for all the Bad Lands to see. It’s straight up terrifying.

“I know what you did,” Kelsey finally says.

“What did I do?” Ashley snaps back.

“If you don’t remember your conversation with Chris then clearly it meant nothing to you,” retorts Kelsey.

Then Ashley starts firing off insults one after the other. And they’re good points, but she keeps saying “fricking” and “frigging” as filler, and it’s dulling their edge.

“Ok so I’m not from Pleasantville, but I’m from fricking two-thousand-fourteen,” she says, “You think you’re smarter than me because you use big words I can’t understand…You and I both have our masters degrees, and mines actually from someplace frigging good.”

But then Kelsey waits and says, “When I said last night that I was endeared to you and I respected you, I still mean that.”

“Ok,” Ashley says and then sulks away.

Yes, Kelsey, respect. That’s certainly what we’d call telling the camera that it’s time for Ashley to go home and play dress up just like she has for her whole life. Ah yes, the dress up she played in between getting an advanced degree? Woman can be more than one thing, Kelsey. They can be smart, and they can like makeup. They can wear pretty things and pursue higher learning. They can be specialized in a specific field but not have a huge vocabulary. There is no prescription for what it means to be a woman.

Ashley storms away to find Chris and starts sobbing to him about why on earth he told Kelsey what she said. Fair enough, because WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU TELL ONE WOMAN THE BAD THINGS A SPECIFIC OTHER WOMAN SAID ABOUT HER? HAS HE NEVER MET ANOTHER HUMAN PERSON BEFORE TO KNOW THAT WOULD BE A BAD IDEA? WHAT KIND OF BRAINLESS TIT THINKS THAT’S AN OK IDEA?

Chris does his best to comfort the sobbing Ashley, but his skills are incredibly limited. He’s not good at doing anything but farm, so it comes as no surprise that his comforting skills are minimal. To wit, he takes this opportunity to send Ashley home!

He says that ultimately their lifestyles are too different and that he and she are in different places in their lives. That’s true. Would Ashley really be happy living in the middle of nowhere Iowa? I don’t think so.

But Ashley decides to go down swinging. “Do you really think Britt wants that lifestyle? Do you really think Britt would fit into your life better than me?” she manages through sobs. Britt would not fit into Chris’s lifestyle. She’s a “waitress” in LA which means she’s trying to be an actress/model and last I looked, there weren’t too many modeling opportunities in Arlington, IA.

Ashley flies off the handle with dramatics and rejection-induced hysteria.  She storms away, and Kelsey smiles a smile that could kill a small animal. The women see Ashley’s suitcase leave and are crestfallen.

Chris approaches Kelsey on the Canopy Bed of Doom to tell her that Ashley left. Kelsey throws herself on him to comfort him and say, “It’s a loss.” But then the tide turns. Chris stutters and stumbles througha speech and manages to form the thought that he is going to have Kelsey go home too. THIS IS THE BEST.

Chris just doesn’t see it there between them. Kelsey is crying but says that it’s ok it isn’t her. Then Chris once again throws up the deuces and peaces out. Not literally, but he does get into a helicopter and flies away as the cameras cut to an INCREDIBLE shot of the two women on crying on different mounds of land in the Bad Lands looking up as the helicopter leaves. QUALITY STUFF.

Not only do we get that incredible shot, but we get to see the women explode in celebratory joy as they see Kelsey's suitcase ALSO picked up by a PA. They jump up and down and hug. Carly breaks open the pink champagne and everyone drinks in their delight. It's fun to watch them celebrate with abandon.

To conclude: Chris is not a nice guy and is stupid about how humans work! Next week we have a double feature on Sunday AND Monday nights. And would you believe that Monday night is already Hometowns? I surely cannot. I’ll see you there!

The Bachelor - Episode 5 Recap

Good-bye Beverly Hills and hello Santa Fe! Our journey tolove brings the hopeful contestants to sunny, arid New Mexico this week, and if the Internet is to be believed IT. GOES. DOWN. Chris starts us off in the middle of a field of hot air balloons, and he has no idea what’s in store for him.

Megan seems to think that Santa Fe is a beach resort town. Oh, honey. She also thinks New Mexico is a separate country but not Mexico. Oh,oh, honey. Megan’s confusion does not stop the girls from invading and being in awe of their Plush Ass Suite.

As much as everyone is clamoring for the individual dates this week, the first one goes to Carly our friendly cruise ship singer with the worst eyebrows in Bachelor history. Her date card reads “Let’s come together.” I giggle like a schoolgirl just like the producers did as they wrote the card.

Chris is wearing a rust colored Henley for the date today and is excited to see if there’s something romantic between him and Carly. Carly joins Chris at the seemingly abandoned Hacienda de Cereza. It is most definitely not abandoned though. Chris and Carly come upon a woman meditating on pillows in front of a desert vista. This woman’s name is Tziporah Kingsbury and her job title is Love and Intimacy Mentor. I am NOT ON BOARD for this.

“What we’re gonna do is just go through various processes today just to put more juiciness into your relationship,” Tziporah coos to the couple. Absolutely not. AbosoLUTELY not will a woman named Tziporah talk about juiciness. No. NO. But she is.

Chris is relying heavily on Tziporah to help bring out the chemistry between him and Carly. He is so convinced of her skill and ability that if she doesn’t bring out the “chemistry”, he will call it quits with Carly! THAT’S A LOT OF STAKES FOR A WOMAN OVER FORTY WITH A NOSE RING AND FEATHER EARRINGS WAVING BURNING SAGE IN FRONT OF YOU.

She has them sit back to back and breathe deeply. She has them sit in front of each other and Carly blindfolds Chris.

“Who turned out the lights?” he jokes in the most feeble voice as if he knows how not funny it is. It’s like he has a sickness and is so ashamed that he can’t control the impulse to make that terrible, terrible joke.

Then Carly gets to do exactly what Megan did with him last week which is dip fruits and nuts into chocolate and feed them to Chris. What the hell is this show’s fixation with this exercise? I have seen it executed no less than five times. It’s not sexy. Is there some grand conspiracy I’m not aware of?

Carly also has to explore Chris’s entire body with her hands, so that is difficult to watch. She’s uncomfortable with physical intimacy but also, I imagine, deeply uncomfortable with f***ing Tziporah sitting there and watching and coaching her.

As the physical coaching escalates at an alarming rate, Chris has an epiphany. “I thought we were coming here today to meet with a love guru. But it turns out she’s a SEX guru,” he says. It is not what he was expecting.

Cut to Tziporah telling Carly and Chris that in order to “remove masks” that we wear in front of our partners, they will be removing the physical masks of their clothing. Carly is very timid about this because it’s a first date and there’s cameras and also it’s F***ING WEIRD AS F*** TO MAKE PEOPLE WHO AREN’T ALREADY IN AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP DO THIS. Chris whispers a bunch of stuff about how they’ll just do whatever she’s comfortable with.

So they stand up and face each other and Carly helps Chris remove his shirt. Then he helps her remove hers. Neither of them feels good about this. Of course Carly is then instructed to remove Chris’s pants.

“I’m really uncomfortable,” she whispers to him.

“So am I,” he whispers back. They both decide not to have Carly remove his pants. He shame-whispers again to Tziporah that it’s their first date and that “some things are worth waiting for”. Noble, but maybe speak up a little next time. Tziporah is fine with this decision, so she has them tell a non-physical mask that has held them back in past relationships.

Chris says that he hasn’t committed himself to really loving someone for the rest of his life. UH, NO DOI. THAT’S WHY YOU’RE ON THIS DOG AND PONY SHOW AND NOT MARRIED, YOU DING-DONG.

Carly then reveals that she has held herself back with the fear that she is unworthy of being loved. And that’s real.

I swear to you, I’ve had enough of Tziporah for my entire lifetime. The fact that this date drags on does NOT follow the rules of the Geneva Convention. Tzippy makes Carly sit in Chris’s lap, facing him, and instructs them to explore each other’s bodies but the one rule is no kissing. Gross. Won’t see.

Tzippy is right next to the two of them making them breathe and is touching them. I’m pretty sure this is supposed to be erotic, but it is yucky to watch. I don’t feel comfortable watching this! Please let me stop seeing this! Too intimate for my eyes! Physical intimacy: YUCK!

They finish with a passionate kiss. I’m all tapped out. I did not care for one bit of that.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…it’s fun that I can say that. The headbands’ reign of terror on this season’s contestants is still raging on, and Kelsey is talking about her dead husband. He only died a year and a half ago, and it was very sudden. So sudden that she doesn’t even remember the name of what happened to him? Congestive heart failure. I feel like if my young husband just dropped dead one day I would never forget the words “congestive heart failure,” but Kelsey and I are not the same person.

Ashley I. notes that she waited over five weeks to tell people and that she seems nonchalant about it. While they’re using those facts to paint Kelsey as a crazy, I could also play devil’s advocate and say that both of those things are out of self-preservation.

Mostly, Kelsey is concerned with getting a one-on-one date so she can tell Chris her story about being a widow. It’s “imperative” to her. Why now, though? Why wasn’t it so imperative before?

The group date card comes though and with it, Kelsey’s fate. First on the list is Jade, then Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha (who?), Ashley, annnnnnd Kelsey. “I’m rapidly falling in love,” the date card says. Britt is thrilled to have the other one-on-one, but Kelsey is seeing red. She thinks it is unacceptable that she is not being made to feel special. Cool.

Carly and Chris have their special dinner in a lovely southwestern lodge. Carly takes the time to be serious and have a real emotional talk with Chris. She shares that in the last long-term relationship she had, her partner never wanted to be physically intimate with her, and it really took a toll on her self-esteem. Damn, I get Carly on a soul-to-soul level. Dammnit, I really wanted to hate her after her entrance singing on a pink karaoke machine, but I just can’t.

Chris assures her that she’s beautiful and talented and smart and funny, and that’s great. She is. CARLY YOU RULE, BUT ALSO THE SELF CONFIDENCE YOU SEEK MUST COME FROM WITHIN AND NOT FROM THE VALIDATION OF A MAN ALTHOUGH THAT TYPE OF VALIDATION CAN CERTAINLY HELP. LOVE YOU FIRST, CARLY!!!

She feels really wonderful about the date and how Chris makes her feel. And she accepts Chris’s rose.

“Chris makes me feel beautiful, and I have not felt beautiful in a really long time,” Carly beams.

For the group date, the women and Chris will be white water rafting on the Rio Grande. Megan, who has taken up the role of comedic relief since Ashley S.’ departure, is excited to be rafting, but fearful of what might lie under the surface of the river. “There could be alligators,” she suggests, “or dead bodies.”

After a rousing safety debrief from an old timey prospector- I mean River Guide- named Cisco, the group sets off. This date is once again a test to see if the women are comfortable “hanging” outdoors. Ugh. Get over it, Chris. You spent time outside. Stop torturing these women.

They raft down the river, and Jade falls out. Chris has to massage her when they hit land because her body goes into hypothermia all the time, and the water set her right into it. That’s literally the only thing we get to see of the rafting. Oh, and Kelsey has a freak out that she can’t get a massage because she’s “fine. FINE.”

But the date was cut short for good reason because guess what?! Just as the evening cocktail party is about to begin, Chris runs into JORDAN THE HOT MESS STUDENT ELIMINATED IN WEEK 2 in the lobby! AMAZING. These girls are THIRSTY for some Chris Soules.

Jordan starts out a big speech about how she drove from Colorado and how she feels so tortured that she let things end the way they did. She feels she has a “strong faith in God that led [her] here.” Meanwhile Chris’s face is like “uhhhhh…how do I get her to go away?”

He reminds the camera that the main reason he let her go is that he felt she was taking advantage of the open bar more than being there to find love. I would have to agree and this seems like the epitome of crazy.

She asks for a second chance with Chris, and, get this, HE ACTUALLY CONSIDERS IT. The dumb-dummy falls for it. She arrives on Chris’s arm to the cocktail party, and the women are steamed. None of them think she should be there, but here she is. Jordan will be staying for at least the cocktail party, and Chris has opened the door for the other women to share their feelings on her. Jordan is a barrel full of fish and Chris just handed all the women a semi-automatic gun.

Tempers flare all around not only towards Jordan herself, but between Ashley and Whitney as well. Ashley is of the mind that since no one wants Jordan to be there, they should all just be mean to her. She’s unwanted competition, so they can be mean to her. Whitney is being a sane person who thinks that even if she doesn’t want Jordan back at all, that doesn’t give you carte blanche to just be horrible to another person.

Each woman takes a portion of her time with Chris to emphasize that they do not want Jordan there. Some are eloquent and diplomatic, some are blunt, but no one wants her there.

In the Plush Ass Suite, Britt receives her date card. Carly also reveals that Britt is open about having not showered in weeks. Britt doesn’t shower. Ok. Alright. That’s a thing I now know. But more importantly the date card says, “The Sky’s the limit” and Britt crumples in terror. In her talking head, she actually breaks down crying because she’s so terrified of heights. Gimme a break, lady.

But for Jordan, her break has come once again, for her heart. That was a stretch, but basically, Chris sends Jordan right back home. She cries as she hugs all the girls goodbye again, but I feel good about Chris’s decision to not make every single woman livid. But even so, the tension in the room is thick as Chris returns to hand out the date rose. He gives it to Whitney for making him feel special and for being “there for the right reasons.” Yay Whitney! And Samantha has literally never said a single word on camera.

The seeds of discontent have been sown between Whitney and Ashley, as Ashley runs off to cry about the rose to Mackenzie. Mackenzie, for being 21, has a very wise moment as Ashley is whining about how “fake” she thinks Whitney is. Mackenzie simply says, “I just think you don’t like her.” And Ashley can’t really argue with that. The other women support Whitney though because I think, in general, people can’t deal with Ashley’s dramatics. I know I can’t.

Ah, now it is time for our one-on-one. Chris sneaks into the hotel room super early to wake up Britt. Britt is wearing just as much makeup first thing in the morning as she during a rose ceremony and Chris seems to think that’s just magical beauty. I think it’s not good for your skin, and Carly confirms that it’s not magic. It’s just that Britt actually puts on a full face of makeup before she goes to bed “just in case.” Well this time it paid off, and HOW PSYCHO IS THAT?! Carly and I, being soul-to-soul, agree that Britt needs to go away. And get a haircut.

They hop into a car and drive through the sunrise to a field where a hot air balloon is being inflated just for them. Britt was terrified all during the car ride because she’s soooo scared of heights, but as soon as she sees the hot air balloon she is giddy like a girl. What a fun and quirky girl she is. I DEFINITELY want to be her friend in real life.

New Mexico is really beautiful and I gotta say, I would never say no to a hot air balloon ride. It is beautiful and cool.

As the girls talk about why they don’t like Britt and think she’s weird, she and Chris arrive at his hotel suite. Scandal is a-brewing! The girls discuss how Britt said she’s in no hurry to get married and have kids. Chris and Britt talk about how they want SO MANY kids. The girls discuss how manipulative she is. Britt gets the rose. They don’t think she’s there for the right reasons. Chris and Britt kiss passionately in his bed.

“This date started in bed, and it ended in bed!” squeals Britt. And the last thing we see is Chris closing the bedroom doors of his suite. Dude. Things are HAPPENING THIS WEEK! FINALLY.

When Britt comes back from the date, she tells the whole room full of women exactly what they did, including coming back to his room. She shares that they “just ordered room service and took a nap.” She is met with [edited] stony silence.

None of the women are pleased by this, but least of all is Kelsey. This final act has made her feel the least special of all! And this must be rectified! And off she goes. Kelsey takes off into the resort to find Chris in his hotel room.

She has decided that this time, right now, is when she will tell her story to Chris.

“Otherwise I run the risk of being sent home without him knowing that I’m a widow,” Kelsey insists with an intensity that belies how serious this situation actually is. She then dives right into her story of her husband and their love and how he died. She and Chris embrace. It goes fine. Then we get this…

“Ugh! Isn’t my story just amazing?” a smiling Kelsey asks the camera, “It’s tragic, but it’s amazing. I love my story.” I feel…did she meet Juelia? I mean not that it’s a competition and a Sad Factory (though it can be) but as far as tragic and complex stories go, Juelia has her beat by a long-shot. And Juelia didn’t beam with pride about her tragedy. What the hell is going on here?

Then, as Kelsey and Chris embrace they begin to kiss. She kisses his nose with a tiny, tender baby kiss, and then I puked all my bones out. Kelsey is VERY pleased with how all this went.

“I know this is a show about Chris, but this is my love story too,” she says. Oh isn’t it just? The type of bizarre behavior exhibited by Kelsey is a silent, threatening, terrifying kind. I’m concerned about her and the rest of the women. She genuinely thinks this show is all about her and how we get to be privy to a woman shattered by tragedy picking up the pieces and starting over in love. That’s me paraphrasing HER WORDS. Shut up? And also, I’m worried? Did she make it all up? Does she have borderline personality disorder and did she make up this story for attention? I’m so confused by and concerned about her!

To further this terrifying feeling, as the women gather for the cocktail party before the rose ceremony there is a current of tension running through the air. Everyone can feel it, even the women who have roses. We get to hear Samantha say her first words. And everyone is worried, except for Kelsey. She’s just smiling and laughing and having a great time because she is 100% positive she’ll receive a rose for revealing to Chris that she is a widow.

Just as she sits so smug, Chris walks in to give the pre-cocktail party speech. He is notoriously terrible at speeches, but this one seems especially strained. He stumbles over words as he describes the emotional week he’s had here in Santa Fe. When he gets to talking about the emotional talk he and Kelsey had, he says that it really made him think about this whole process and it put things into perspective. And then Chris gets so choked up that he is silent, then excuses himself from the room.

The women turn to Kelsey for some kind of explanation. She tells them that she went to his room to tell him her story and that it went well. Carly is suspicious of this because she believes that had Kelsey not done this, Kelsey would’ve gone home. Now that Kelsey did have that talk, Chris has to send someone else home instead. I get where she’s coming from but that might be flawed logic. He might be upset because he still wants to send her home even though she just poured her soul out to him.

Kelsey goes on that she doesn’t quite understand where this delay is coming from because “he knows what he needs to do.” And the women are like, “HOLD UP, WHAT NOW?” But Kelsey, through her wise tears, explains that today they spoke about time and how important time is. Because Kelsey understands what time means, “that every day is precious and you should never take it for granted.” And she talks about Chris like he’s her man that it’s the first time she’s seen him “act from the heart” in a while and that it’s hard because it means SHE has to say good-bye to people.

Girl. This show is not called The Kelsey. This show is called The Bachelor and nobody gives a crap about how hard it will be for YOU to say good-bye.

Chrarrison walks balk into the room to announce that Chris will forego a cocktail party and move straight to the rose ceremony. The women are panicked and emotional about this. Mackenzie, whose hair once again looks great, speculates that Kelsey should be more concerned than she is because she did open up so much that Chris might feel bad about sending her home.

And Kelsey finally gets that stark realization too. She does not want to go to a Rose Ceremony, and she gets up to excuse herself from the room. And the next thing you know, Kelsey is on the ground hyperventilating and in hysterics. An Australian woman named Diane with the longest ponytail in history tends to her on the ground as she cries out in agony and despair!

AND THEN WE CUT TO BLACK “TO BE CONTINUED…”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I’LL SEE YOU GUYS NEXT WEEK ON WEDNESDAY BUT UNTIL THEN CHECK ME OUT ON TWITTER @CHASSPOD AND REMEMBER THE ASK IS ALWAYS OPEEEEEEEEEN.

The Bachelor - Episode 4 Recap

We are really in this thing now. It took a record few number of episodes to make me utterly bored by Chris and his antics, but we have so many, many ladies to observe in the most extreme circumstances that here I sit, red wine in hand, ready to go on this journey with and for all of you. Hooray for the Bachelor and fermented grapes.

This is the last week with Bachelor Mansion as home base as after (and during parts of) this episode Farmer Chris and his Herd of Lady Cattle will fly to such exotic locales as New Mexico and seemingly all of Southeast Asia. But before all that, Chris’s three sisters are in town and will be evaluating all the women in addition to selecting which lucky lady gets the one-one date this week. There are group dates aplenty, however, and Chrarrison drops off the first of the date cards.

Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S., Ashley I., Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, and Kelsey are on the date card that reads, “Let’s do what feels natural…”. All the women freak out that “natural” means no makeup or hair extensions. They still manage to get properly gussied up before taking off in two vintage Cadillac convertibles. They arrive at a beautiful lake for their party complete with paddle boards, floating rafts, and beach chairs.

Ashley I. tells us how she feels so shy around Chris and like she’s not being herself, so in search of a way to “break out of [her] shyness” she takes off her American flag bikini top and jumps into the lake. That’ll do it, Ash. Then Kaitlyn one-ups Ashley I. and takes off just her bottoms and jumps into the lake. She feels great about Chris having seen her “tush”.

I don’t, and neither does Kelsey. She (and I) don’t feel it’s appropriate or very cute to take pieces of your clothing off in front of the man you’re dating while in a group situation. But also, it’s the Bachelor.

“This is a date made for bimbos,” Kelsey exclaims. I know, I know, I know, Kelsey. Yes it’s crude and inappropriate but this is a show where one man is “dating” fifteen women at once and the beer flows like wine! It’s all one big moral grey area and unfortunately skinny dipping falls right in there because in the real world that’s tacky as hell but this is most decidedly not the real world and who’s to say those women DIDN’T do that just for their own fun and not for the exploitation of their bodies (I am. They definitely did it for the male gaze but my point stands.)

The three sisters arrive at the mansion to surprise the women and get to know them a little better. One of his sisters came all the way from her home in Ireland, and I’m interested in finding out how she rigged that sweet gig up for herself. The girls have to go rouse Jillian from her deep slumber in the pool. The Black Bar is back because the producers are like a dog with a bone with that damn thing. However, Jillian is duly embarrassed by her first impression on these “potential future in-laws.”

The Sisters Three pull Whitney aside for the first one-on-one chat. I don’t even need to watch to know she will pass with flying colors. She does. But they are asking intense questions they have prepared on a yellow legal pad. It is a lot like being before a tribunal. We see snippets from a few different interviews, but the soft and sweet music plays over Jade as she tells the sisters how she just launched her own organic makeup line and that she thinks relationships are all about compromise. Way to show us your hand, producers. That music obviously means Jade is getting the one-on-one.

Back at the lake, the group are playing red rover and Kelsey is not amused. She, being from Michigan, is unimpressed by the state of this muddy, “dingy pond” of a lake on which they find themselves.

“My face is getting skinnier because I spend all this time fake smiling trying to pretend to enjoy just this…hell hole,” she says, “There are moments when I feel like taking a fork and just stabbing it in my eye.” Seems super chill.

Chris then tells all the ladies how much fun he’s having with all of them in their bathing suits and that because it’s so much fun he doesn’t want to leave. And they won’t be leaving because they are camping overnight at the lake!

“This is dumb!” Kelsey whines, “I wanna be where I wanna be, and I don’t wanna be here!”

THEN GO HOME. But she doesn’t. She does get stung by a bee on her inner thigh though as further punishment.

Over at the campsite, we have some really fun stereotyping and gender roles playing out. The girls are tasked with assembling their own tents, and while some put them up with the greatest of ease, Mackenzie and Ashley I. giggle and struggle. Luckily, big man’s man Chris is around to help them merely read instructions and accomplish a basic task.

The hub-bub at the house is all about who will be picked for the one-on-one and how important it is to be chosen by his sisters. To be chosen by the Sisters Three for a one-on-one date would be the highest honor which one could have bestowed! Britt feels confident that it will be her because she feels she is the front-runner.

Imagine the look of shock on her face when Whitney reads the date card, “Jade, Your presence is requested at a royal ball tomorrow evening. From 8pm until the last stroke of midnight. Shh, it’s a secret. The prince doesn’t know you are coming.” Jade is over the moon excited and honored to be selected for this date.

Camping continues on the group date with the grilling of kabobs and hot dogs over the fire. Ashley I. managed to bring along and properly attach her fake eyelashes for this camping date. Hey girl, you do you and don’t compromise that but also? There’s a time and a place for falsies.

“We are the luckiest ladies in America,” someone offers from around the campfire.

“Really?” Kelsey replies. And Kaitlyn calls her out on it really quick. Kelsey explains that it’s a unique opportunity, but the girls are onto her. She is pouting hardcore but as soon as Chris comes back her face lights up with glee. Breaker, Breaker 1-9: we’ve got a faker! And the girls delight in explaining how fake Kelsey is and how on earth could Chris be attracted to someone so fake? All of this played over shots of Kelsey laughing this giant, strained laugh. Folks, we’ve got a villain a-brewing.

But while Kelsey is being put to the fire for being fake, Ashley S. is being her truest, best self. By that I mean she is hiccupping drunk and wide eyed with suspicion. Suspicious of what, you ask? Probably the fact that as she sings gibberish campfire songs from her home planet, Mackenzie asks if the other women believe in aliens. It’s all coming together. Someone is about to be abducted by Ashley S. There’s even a full moon to boot.

Kaitlyn tells a ghost story about Ashley S. “the sweetest and yet scariest” woman around. The women are mostly entertained by her brand of crazy because she’s sweet not terrifying. She is a little terrifying though as she repeatedly whispers, “What are you?” to Chris and then gazes at the moon. It’s amazing. I just treasure her. She rambles and rambles and tells Chris that she loves everything about him and hopes that resonates within his mind tonight.

Now it’s Ashley I.’s turn to parade her true self in front of Chris. She tells him that she has a crush on him. And how he makes her feel shy and then they suck face. And I mean SUCK. FACE. It’s not kissing or making out. It is face sucking. So gross, guys. We’ve got to put a full stop on the gross kissing happening here.

The date rose goes to Kaitlyn for always being herself and making Chris feel good. “I feel great. This is awesome. And I’m drunk,” Kaitlyn says of her big rose win. Ashley I. is rattled by this and feels there is no way that Chris knows the real her. So, fueled by her virginity and alcohol, Ashely I. sets off to tell Chris that she is a virgin and has never had a boyfriend.

To accomplish this task, she must leave her tent and travel to a sleeping Chris’s tent. This should go over very well.

“Basically, so far, I feel like I’ve been portrayed different from how I really am…I’m freakin’ innocent. I’ve never had a real boyfriend before,” she tells him inside his luxury tent.

“The moment I met you, I got the vibe that you were a smart, well-rounded girl,” says Chris groggily.

She blathers on a bunch more about how she’s a nerd inside and “inexperienced in every way possible”. He was pretty sleepy and said he “thinks” he “gets” her. I don’t think he does. And she doesn’t explicitly say that she’s a virgin. She just repeats, “I just want to make sure you got me.” He says yes to her immediately so that they can start making out, but tells cameras that he had no idea what she was really trying to say to him. Chris is both smart and a great guy. Two thumbs WAY UP.

That date is finally over, and it’s time for everyone to reunite at the mansion. The group date gals are told in great detail what happened when the Sisters Three came to visit. Jillian tells everyone about how Jade got her fancy date card/invitation to the royal ball, and Ashley I. seethes. She is very upset that she does not get to go on a date where she can dress up and act like a princess.

But this is so wonderful for Jade! A full team of stylists, helmed by a real-life Effie Trinket complete with funny accent and pink curly hair, invade the house to give her a full princess transformation. They made one of the rooms in the mansion into a princess suite with jewels and beautiful gowns and hair and makeup artists. Nadia with her pink hair is flitting about styling and perfecting Jade’s look. The other women watch on in amazement and awe, while Ashley I. pouts and whines and makes it all about her.

Nadia helps her find a gorgeous patterned ball gown with her very own Louboutin glass slippers that she gets to keep. She also gets to keep the NEIL LANE diamond earrings Nadia put on her. This is of course an elaborate plug for the new Disney Cinderella movie that’s coming out in March. Nadia forces Jade to look at some images from the movie so she understands her inspiration. Haha, yes. This was all Nadia’s idea. I don’t blame you Nadia, you’re perfect. Never change.

When Jade emerges fully made-up, she looks lovely. So stunning but classy, and the girls ooh and ahh but at the same time are envious of this date. Jade is whisked away in a perfectly white Rolls Royce to her Royal date. Chris positively beams when he sees Jade descend the grand staircase to greet him.

They are “eating” dinner in a hotel lobby? It’s a nice hotel lobby to be sure, but nonetheless, just a big, vast marble space. They have their typical Bachelor chat about past relationships (both have been engaged before).

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Ashley I. is going bananas. She put on a sparkly dress that she brought specifically for a princess themed date. The other women are laughing in her face for being so dramatic and ridiculous, so Ashley leaves their presence to sit upon a couch made of leather and nibble on an ear of corn as all dejected princesses sometimes do. Get over it, Ashley I. Eat some more corn.

The real Cinderella date is going quite well. Chris gives Jade the rose easy-peasy, and then takes her to see one more surprise. They walk into a small ballroom containing a full orchestra. They dance on a platform and actually do a fair job at the waltz. It’s the kind of fairytale, beautiful, romantic date this show used to be all about. This is what I came to see people! Lovin’ it! These two boring simples being all dressed up! Like candy for me.

We’re already at the final group date for the week. Joining Farmer Chris are Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, and Becca whose date card reads, “Let’s get dirty!” Then Carly, who read the card, shares that there were also boxes delivered with the card. The boxes contain wedding dresses. Joy of joys. They make themselves beautiful, put on the dresses, then climb into a stretch limo for the date.

I do not like where this is going one little bit.

The ladies get onto a private jet and while most are excited, Jillian feels very out of her element in a wedding dress. They meet Chris when they land in San Francisco, and are then driven to a tough mudder course. No, no, no. So, they are doing this muck-fest under the guise of raising awareness for MS. I guess that’s fine. The race will determine who gets a one-on-one date with Chris and the rest of the women will go home immediately. So that sucks even more. Chris’s only redeeming quality is that he does the whole race with them so they aren’t just getting disgusting alone to compete for his approval.

It is no surprise that Jillian pulls ahead and completely dominates the course.

Carly is laughing during her whole interview because she performed so poorly that she just gave up. Carly is actually growing on me, despite her terrible eyebrows.

“Jillian should be wearing a tuxedo…Are her muscles bigger than Chris’s? Is her d**k bigger than Chris’s?” she giggles. See? Carly can stay.

Jillian is pumped that she gets her one-on-one date in San Francisco. They are dining on the rooftop of the historic Fairmont Hotel on San Francisco’s Knob Hill. Chris mumbles about how Jillian is one of his top three gals as far as being cute, fun, and outgoing. I don’t hate Jillian. I just don’t love her brand of intensity and the obsession with working out. I disagree that it’s an inherently masculine quality to be into working out, but I don’t think that “the gym” does an entire personality make.

And to display her intensity, Jillian talks during the lion’s share of the date. “During Jillian’s talking, I’m getting kind of confused because her words are coming out faster than I can process,” Chris says. Oh, sweetie. It’s ok. We’ll get you through this.

“Occaisionally, as Jillian’s words float over my head, I think of unicorns and dancing fairies…It’s quite beautiful,” Chris says. It’d be a whole lot funnier if I didn’t think he meant it. But Chris is honest that he doesn’t feel a romantic connection with Jillian and that the romance of their conversation, or lack thereof, does not match their romantic surroundings.

Cue Jillian asking, “Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl and you don’t know what she has, like this bitch is talking to her reflection, like she’s crazy: bird in her hair, the whole nine, or abstain from sex for five years?”

I JUST CANNOT. First of all, “would you rather” questions are for people who aren’t interesting enough to have conversations without creating some contrived device. Secondly, that question is inappropriate on so many levels, and it’s offensive. Chris just silently shakes his head in response. Jillian thinks the date is going well, but Chris picks up the rose. He explains that while she’s fun and beautiful, he just doesn’t feel the chemistry. He feels that their goals just don’t match.

Jillian interrupts to say that this setting doesn’t make her feel the most comfortable. Oh, honey, respect yourself enough to not play the desperation game. She doesn’t take it well. She cries and gets flustered. I would cry getting rejected on national television too. That’s fair. But it was time for Jillian to go, and I’m glad Chris had the balls to cut her loose.

This episode, for lack of anything actually happening, has felt like an eternity. It is now rounding third and about to come in for the run though, as we are at the cocktail party. Chris starts the party with one of his token horrible speeches about how Jillian went home because he takes this process very seriously.

Megan takes this seriously too, which is why she blindfolds Chris and brings out some fruit and chocolate fondue. Just f***ing why? This is not sexy or cool or fun. Why? Chris loved it! “I thought that was a great game! What do you call that game?” he asks Megan after the whole fruit plate has been sampled. Megan is as sweet as she is simple and is therefore a wonderful match for Chris. This whole season can be tied up in a neat little bow with the word “simple”.

Right on cue, Ashley I. arrives to make it clear to Chris, once and for all, that she is A VIRGIN. SHE’S A VIRGIN AND ALMOST PROUD! ASHLEY I. IS A VIRGIN AND EVERYONE IN THE UNITED STATES AND ITS TERRITORIES AND ANYONE WHO ILLEGALLY STREAMS THIS SHOW INTERNATIONALLY (SHOUT OUT TO MY FRIENDS IN AUSTRALIA) KNOWS IT! She’s wearing the same sparkly dress from when she threw a fit over the Cinderella date. They start the conversation by pussy-footing around the topic one more time, and then she finally comes out and says the words “I’m a virgin.”

Chris accepts it as well as one could. He says he respects it and thinks it’s a good thing all while she’s still word vomiting about what that all means.

“If anything, I respect her more,” Chris tells us. Sure, whatever. It’s 2015. People can be virgins or have a lot of sex with men or women or both or neither. For the love of everything, can we move on? We can’t. Ashely I. is freaking out that for the first time ever he didn’t kiss her.

“Well it’s because he wants to respect you,” explains Mackenzie.

“I don’t want him to respect me that much!” Ashely exclaims. To which, I just can’t. That is the essence of this show in one sentence. Good LORD. She’s crying so much and Mackenzie is over the dramatics. Mackenzie, whose hair looks great tonight. Someone took pity on her. Ashley continues with the pyrotechnics and then tells everyone around her the big secret that she’s a virgin and two things happen.

One is that Carly is shocked to hear this because, she says, “I’ve seen her making out with Chris like thirteen-thousand times. Her mouth is not a virgin.” Which is amazing and so far the quote of the season. Her mouth is not a virgin. THAT’S INCREDIBLE. WHAT? WHAT IS THAT? IT’S GREAT IS WHAT IT IS.

Two is that Becca quietly replies, “I am too.” So Becca is virgin number two in the Bachelor mansion which causes Kaitlyn to flip her lid because she can’t fathom that. It makes me very intrigued by the beautiful Becca who has been very quiet about that whole thing. I like this Becca girl who plays her cards close to the vest.

On to Britt: Britt, who is at an Ariana Grande ratio of body to hair, is “grumpy” because she hasn’t talked to Chris in a week. She decides to confront Chris about where they stand emotionally and also about where he’s at with other girls there. Specifically, she mentions that she heard that Kaitlyn took off her clothes on the group date and was then given a rose.

“I just wanna know why those actions are being validated,” Britt says to Chris.

He pauses for a moment to form some thoughts in that big ole noggin of his before replying with these beautiful words: “That wasn’t why I gave her a rose, and like…I guess uh, that I see two sides like Kaitlyn has a lot of different facets that are not and I don’t those aren’t, I see the Kaitlyn that just you know what I mean? I mean obviously, I mean if you like her or dislike her or I, I don’t see, I don’t look at Kaitlyn like being some really and I’m not rewarding inappropriate behavior. You know? And I’m not giving roses to you know and maybe you’re viewing as that. Um.”

I know what you’re thinking. Cassie did you fall asleep for parts of that speech and leave out key words? Cassie, have you had so much wine that you typed nonsense and sent it right to publication? Cassie, did you have a stroke?

No. No. No. No to all of those questions. That is an actual transcription of Chris’s reply to being put on the spot as to why a girl who took her bathing suit bottoms off at the lake was given a rose.

Chris gets up abruptly from their chat, and then as he makes his speech before the rose ceremony he gives an ultimatum that if anyone questions his intentions and motives for being there, they can just leave. This freaks the girls out, but obviously nothing happens.

Rose time:

Whitney, Carly, Megan, Samantha (WHO?), Mackenzie, Kelsey, Becca, Ashely I., and last of all is Britt. This means Juelia, Nikki, and our dear, dear Ashley S. are going home. I will miss her and all her beautiful white winged dove ways. Ashely S. is a treasure that only comes along once in a millennium. Fly free to your home planet Ashley S. and take care on the intergalactic highways!

Chris takes a kind moment to say goodbye to Juelia because he admires her and respects her so much as a person. He tells her she’s a beautiful person both inside and out, and she is. The other women are shaken up by her leaving too.

And then the episode ends abruptly! Bye, guys! We’ll be in Santa Fe next week, and I can’t wait to see you there! It looks like Kelsey has a panic attack in a bathroom which is exciting because maybe something will finally happen on this show! Hooray! Love you all! @Chasspod on twitter and the Ask is always open! Exclamation points!!!

The Bachelor - Episode 3 Recap

When you think of the Bachelor, as I often do, you may think of helicopters, roses, tropical locales, and fabricated romance that ultimately crumbles when harsh reality strikes upon the resulting couple. While you may think of the schmaltz, you probably don’t ever, ever think about late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel. And you shouldn’t. For that would be an unholy matrimony of clownery meets clownery and would take your viewing experience right from the sublime to the ridiculous. I regret to inform you that this very thing has happened this week. Grab your alcoholic beverage of choice, because the Jimmy Kimmel takeover of the Bachelor is here.

The show opens with ominous music and a limo pulling up the mansion drive. Jimmy emerges in to awaken Chris in the week hours of the morning.

“What the f***?” is Chris’ immediate response. Over at the main house, Chrarrison has the ladies assembled and tells them to prepare for the new man in their life. And in trots Jimmy Kimmel.

Jimmy wastes no time in setting a new way of life here in the Bachelor mansion. First rule about the love club, is we do not say the word “amazing” in the love club. He has Chrarrison display a large jar into which each lady must place a dollar if/when she says “amazing” this week. I can’t disagree too much with this rule. Anyone on that show could stand to benefit from a quick flip through a thesaurus.

Jimmy and Chris also leave the first date card of the week.

“You’re gonna have a lot of fun, in fact I think this is going to be amazing,” he mugs as he puts a dollar right into the jar and leaves.

“With Jimmy Kimmel and the Bachelor combining, it’s going to be super awesome,” quips an unnamed blonde I don’t yet know. Ehhh, we’ll see.

“Dear Kaitlyn, you and Chris are about to join an exclusive club. Sweeping views, vaulted ceilings, and unlimited hors d’oeuvres await,” Megan reads. Kaitlyn is very excited.

Neither Chris nor Kaitlyn knows exactly where they’re going, but everyone agrees that no matter what the date involves, it will be extravagant.

Cut to the limo pulling up in front of Costco.

I can’t.

Why? Why must this show try its hand at comedy? The Bachelor is the Bachelor and comedy and is comedy and never the twain shall meet unless the Bachelor stumbles into it unwittingly. THIS IS WHY KIMMEL BELONGS BEHIND THAT DESK MAKING CELEBS READ MEAN TWEETS ABOUT THEMSELVES. PUT KIMMEL BACK BEHIND THE DESK.

Kaitlyn is horrified and unimpressed. Get over it, Cananda. Costco is the best. That would probably be a fun place to go on a second date, if there weren’t a camera crew following you with planned hijinks. Also, what a slick way to shill memberships, Costco, AS IF I WEREN’T ALREADY SOLD ON YOUR LOW PRICES AND QUALITY OF PRODUCT.

Jimmy sets them off on a scavenger hunt of sorts to get food for dinner for all three of them tonight and a list of things to retrieve like beef jerky, size 33 jeans, an office chair, and “enough ketchup to fill a hot tub.” What spunky, ribald fun.  For dinner, an old lady recommends a cooked chicken, saying they’re “excellent”. AND SHE’S NOT WRONG. But they go with steaks which is also a good choice because Costco has a great meat selection.

Quick note, I am not endorsed by Costco. I do, however, come from a noble lineage of lovers and embracers of all things Costco. I kid you not one, tiny bit when I tell you that my father bought my sister and I matching copies of “Fabulous Food the Costco Way: The Costco Cookbook” for Christmas this year. Costco f***ing rules.

And because Costco f***ing rules, Chris should not be so surprised that he and Kaitlyn “actually” have fun there. He says he doesn’t know many women who could handle a date like that with “such class”. Really, Chris? It’s just having fun in Costco: the easiest thing in the world to do.

 Chris is proving to me word by word that he is a simple, boring man who has only ever known simple, boring women. With the limo full to the gills with their spoils, the couple heads back to Chris’ place to prepare the meal.

“Who needs helicopters when you have Costco?” Chris asks after all the prep work is done and he and Kaitlyn are just relaxing on the porch with some bourbon. They are so excited by how “normal” the date seemed without all the glitz and glamor of regular Bachelor dates. They share a kiss and laugh over how her laugh is like a man’s laugh and he has a woman’s giggle. That’s actually a fair point. They have good chemistry, so much so that they aren’t really looking forward to Jimmy Kimmel showing up. Me either, kids.

I feel like I should say that I don’t dislike Jimmy Kimmel; I just wish that we weren’t forcing this comedy like so much dried play-doh through the play-doh shape maker. While they grill steaks, he riffs on Kaitlyn liking beef. It’s dad-humor at best.

 “I specialize in making people uncomfortable,” Jimmy tells us about the hard-hitting questions he’s asking. “I think of myself as kind of a lubricant. Here to smooth things through,” he says. Such are the meager jokes one is able to cull from this set up.

“Let’s say…you find out that Chris has gone into the Fantasy Suite with three women and made sweet, sweet, sweet love to each of the women, including yourself, will you be angry at him?” he queries.

Kaitlyn picks steak out of her teeth with her tongue as she considers this. “No, I wouldn’t be,” she replies.

“Really?” an incredulous Jimmy asks.

“You can’t be!” she says, “It’s part of the process. You can’t buy a car without test driving it.” Ah, there’s that crass sense of humor from the first night I so cherish. Truly, what a night for comedy here on the Bachelor.

Chris just sits there giggling the whole time. He’s a bright man.

“Try to have sex with everyone,” Jimmy advises Chris who continues to giggle. If this were an interview on Kimmel, it might be acceptable, but as I am made to sit through several torturous minutes of it under the editing of the Bachelor producers, I am unamused.

The doorbell rings at the mansion as the next date card arrives. The “Amazing” Jar has quite the stack of dollar bills piling up inside. Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracey, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Samantha (who?), Nikki, and Carly are all in. “Are you ready to meet the real party animals?”

Back on the date, Jimmy hands the date rose over to Chris and sits in the middle as Chris dedicates the rose to her and thanks her for a wonderful date. Jimmy gets in one dig that actually makes me laugh. After Chris gives a lame rose speech he says, “Oh wow, you really have a way with words…Are there people on the farm? Or just animals to talk to?” Chris is ready to see Jimmy and all his joke-making leave. After he does, he and Kaitlyn share many more fish-lipped kisses and some hot tub time.

Before the next group date begins, we get a lovely couple of minutes of watching Jillian work out in tiny purple shorts. She works out hard, and they once again place a black bar over her behind. This time I have to believe it’s just the producers having a laugh. Jillian really likes working out is what I took away from this segment.

The women arrive the next day with Jimmy and Chris at the Hoe-Down Throw Down. There is a series of five events in a farm-themed relay designed to prove what woman can grin and bear it the hardest at an event designed to make them miserable. Sounds about right.

There is the corn shucking test, the egg fry, the goat milk challenge where you milk a goat then drink said milk, a manure shoveling test, and finally a pig wrestling finale. What they say this is for, is to see if a woman can really get her hands dirty and tough it out on a farm. It’s really about us watching people desperately compete for approval from a man whose personality is that of a bowl of plain Greek yogurt.

Once again, Jillian’s shorts are so short that the black bar is back. She is struggling to get milk her goat, possibly due to her screaming at squawking that she can’t get it to stand still. Maybe screaming at an animal isn’t the best choice, Jillian. But as the milking progresses and the women have to drink it, they are becoming more disheartened. Kelsey is very grossed out by how warm it is. Amber tells the camera that she’s glad she didn’t have to drink it, saying, “The way Kelsey described it, it was salty and warm. Not something I like in my mouth.”

Now, folks, that was supposed to be a suggestive innuendo. The producers JUMPED on that double entendre hard and were thrilled to present it to us. And it’s fine. I, however, posit that Amber has no idea how food works because salty and warm are two of my favorite adjectives when it comes to food I put in my mouth. Your loss, Amber. Salty, warm things in my mouth for life!

In the manure challenge, Carly remains in the lead with Jillian and Kelsey close behind. Carly has strategy in her pig wrestling, and despite Jillian’s flashing hurdle over the pig pen fence, she comes in first prize. As her prize, she and Chris get to dress up and reenact American Gothic. None of the girls know what that is. This is also the second imagining of American Gothic we’ve seen this season.

The second half of the date is what else but a rooftop cocktail party in downtown LA. Carly pulls Chris aside right away to chat. She kisses him to show that even though she’s shy, she’s really into him. She was really fun earlier in the date, and Chris is into her taking control of the situation.

He and Amber slow dance and kiss. He is handing out kisses left and right tonight. He kisses Jillian. He kisses Ashely S.

“There’s a fair amount of kissing going on which is the point of the whole deal! When you’re with a person and the moment feels right, I’m gonna do that,” Chris mansplains.

But Mackenzie is upset that he’s kissing so many girls because she felt special that she was the first girl in the house to get kissed (she wasn’t) and now that he’s kissing all these other women, she doesn’t feel so special (she’s not). Quick reminder: Mackenzie is 21. Damn, Millenials y’all.

“So, I’m gonna be blunt,” she says to Chris like that’s the craziest idea of the century. “So, remember how we kissed? Well why are you kissing everyone else?” she asks like the absolute child she is. What is she even doing on this show???

He takes a moment to compose and explains that he is being truthful with all the women and putting himself out there.  Mackenzie feels embarrassed by her question, as she should. But then she almost proudly tells the other women that she called him out for kissing “like eight other girls” since their one-on-one date. DOES SHE KNOW WHERE SHE IS? DOES SHE KNOW THE FORMAT OF THE SHOW? DOES SHE SEE THE OTHER WOMEN AROUND HER AND UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY ARE DOING THERE?

Britt is still having an issue with him “burning through” kissing all the other women so quickly as well. I don’t doubt that it would be hard to adjust to that, but I just have to reiterate that THAT IS EXACTLY HOW THE SHOW WORKS. ONE MAN DATES MANY WOMEN AND WILL, INEVITABLY, KISS MANY OF THEM.

Becca, who is very tall and beautiful, has some nice one-on-one time with Chris. With the beautiful LA skyline behind them, everything seems perfectly set for them to kiss, but she doesn’t kiss him. Becca says, “I don’t want to do something I wouldn’t do normally…It’s not that I don’t want to though.”

I admire that. She’s going to make him earn the right to kiss her. Good for you, Becca.

It’s time for the date rose, and Chris thanks everyone for their efforts during the relay and at the party. He hands it out to Becca. Yeah, Becca! Way to be special by not giving up that kiss too early! I should also mention that Ashely S. was not only quiet on this date, but the only moment we had with her was very normal. I want to posit right now that Ashley S.’s erratic behavior can be explained one of three ways. 1) She is an alien. 2) She has a drug/severe alcohol problem. 3) She’s doing elaborate performance art for the cameras to fool us all and show that the cameras can make you believe anything with the power of editing.

Whitney gets the second one-on-one of the week and is so relieved she cries. She and Chris arrive at a beautiful winery. They talk about typical Bachelor date marriage/life goals garbage. The two of them are so positive, sugary sweet that it makes perfect sense to me. I mean, I would die being around either one of them for more than two days, but they are right for each other.

From their picnic perch, they spy a wedding being set up down below. Whitney suggests that they crash it. It starts as a joke, but they get serious. Whitney invokes “yolo” which Chris LOVES. The producers confirm that they are actually doing that as the two of them plan out what they’ll say.

“So there’s something about weddings that’s just very romantic,” Whitney says. OH REALLY? THE DEVIL YOU SAY?

They get more and more excited and leave to go change into their evening wear and grab a random gift. I’m confused about how much of this is staged and how much is really spur of the moment. The producers must have had to plan this so carefully. I want to believe it’s real.

We get sneaky spy shots of the two of them wandering around the wedding. They are having a great time. Chris loses his cool immediately by talking to the whole wedding party and being a nervous dumb, dumb. He mentions that the producers are wandering around filming on cell phones. That’s amazing. I actually love this, guys. I think it’s crazy and a rare unscripted moment. Whitney is such a sweetheart and a real star who makes Chris look good. They have so much fun. I loved it. What a great thing.

Then they slow dance to the same song that was the theme to Desiree and Chris’ romance on the Bachelorette.

I wonder what they had planned originally for them at the winery, probably something not quite as fun and spontaneous and memorable. Whitney will go far in this. Chris is really, really taken with her.

“She did something really incredible here, and I don’t even think she knows it. But I know it. It wasn’t about the day; it was her,” he says. He then runs to fetch the rose and gives it to her. He’s a man of few words, but you can tell how much he is really into Whitney. To conclude: I liked that date and them together.

As it is the third week, we will be having the traditional “there’s no cocktail party.IT’S A POOL PARTY INSTEAD!” day.

“I’m lovin’ this. This is the most best day ever,” Megan coos. But other women, like Ashley I. are not so thrilled.

“I was gonna do my Kardashian look tonight, and now…enghglee,” she gurgles as she vigorously applies bronzer.

The pool party begins with, you’ll never guess, Chris does the craziest thing. He takes off his shirt and he does a CANNONBALL!

Then Juelia pulls Chris aside to talk more about her husband who committed suicide. She tells the full story of what happened, and it’s bad enough that America gets to hear all of the harrowing details, so we won’t repeat it here. It’s very sad and scary. Help the people you love get help if you think they need it.

Britt interrupts Chris mid-sentence to kiss. The other women see them making out, and take things to the next level. Jade is upset that the women who already had dates this week are monopolizing his time. So Jade asks for and receives a tour of his house. Meanwhile, Jillian trots down to his place and gets into his hot tub. Jade, inside, is snuggled up with Chris on his bed in some WHITE-ASS HEELS. They get steamy real quick, but her white high heels are some kind of trashy I can’t handle. Her boob is also absolutely fully out of her swimsuit. Like, a full boob of everything minus areola visible to my eye.

But then Chris has to move right into the hot tub with Jillian. Ashley I., Megan, and Mackenzie try to join the hot tub party right away but get shooed off by Jillian. The “alone time” everyone craves is a hot commodity at this pool party, and it’s making them all idiots.

Ashley I. is really upset by how possessive and aggressive Jillian is being. She cries while wearing a little golden headband. Jillian is one of those girls who doesn’t have a personality outside of being athletic and working out, and that, I cannot abide.  Ashley I. can’t abide either and scampers away to dry her tears.

A few minutes later, Chris walks into the house to have his chat with Ashley I. Perched on the rooftop, Ashely I. begins crying again. But she’s so embarrassed, that she laughs and Chris doesn’t know if she’s laughing or crying. He’s really great at handling women who are feeling intense emotions. So they just end up kissing the whole time. She is an aggressive kisser, and I’m genuinely worried they’re going to fall off the roof.

Finally, my sweet Chrarrison arrives in his show suit to get Chris ready for the Rose Ceremony. I missed him so much. Chrarrison, never leave me again! Chrarrison, Jimmy, and Chrarrs have a final huddle before the rose ceremony begins. Jimmy’s final words of wisdom are, “Whatever you do, don’t be yourself. Be someone who gives better speeches.” And what a joke to leave us on. BYE, JIMMY!

As Chris starts his pre-ceremony speech though, he immediately stumbles over his words and accidentally calls Jimmy, Jade. I mean, of course, Chris saw her entire boob earlier today and Jimmy Kimmel just mercilessly made fun of him all week. He’s got Jade on the mind.

The women getting roses tonight:

Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Ashley S., Nikki (who the hell is that?), Jillian, and the final rose goes to Ashley I.

This means we are saying good-bye to Trina, Amber, and Tracey. Ladies, we hardly knew ye. We wish you all the best!

And that concludes this THRILLING week of the Bachelor. I think this week laid a lot of groundwork for the drama that will come this season between not only the ladies, but also with Chris and his Kissing Issue. Next week we’ll be back on Wednesday as usual. Until then, my little journeyers, check out @chasspod on Twitter and don’t forget my Ask is always open

The Bachelor - Episode 2 Recap

The smoke has finally cleared from the battle of that first fateful night in Bachelor Mansion. We begin week two on Farmer Chris’ journey to find love. Last week left with a bit of a cliffhanger, as one rejected contestant Kimberly refused to take no for an answer and marched herself right back into the mansion. How will this play out? Let us observe…

We open with an establishing shot of the mansion at night, though we all know that party raged on until dawn’s early light. Dramatic music plays over the champagne toast as all the women see Kimberly re-enter the room. She and Chris duck out to have a quick chat. The rest of the women sit down in their formalwear to discuss what could be happening.

“Can we just talk for even a few minutes? I just refuse to walk away from this so easily,” Kimberly implores Chris. He walks away to talk to Chris Harrison about his play here.  As all the women, particularly Dance Kaitlyn, say how much they hope she does not stick around, they walk back into the room hand in hand. Chris tells the other women that thanks to Kimberly having the nerve to come back and ask him for a second chance, he’s giving her just that. She’s back. And the women are displeased.

But the sun must rise on a new day. Chrarrison gathers the women after breakfast for the first pow-wow. He announces that Chris is living right down the driveway in the guest house and that it is in their best interest to “create time, find time, make the most of your time” with Chris. There are no rules. And with that, Old Chrarrs leaves the first group date card.

Jade, Kendra, Ashley S., Mackenzie, Kimberly, and Tara will be going on a date where they will have to “show [him] their country”. The fact that Kimberly is on the first group date has ruffled some feathers, but I think it’s smart. He didn’t get to talk to her on night one, so he wants to talk to her and get to know if there’s a match there as soon as possible.

“I’m more Kardashian than I am country,” Ashley I. tells us of the date. But she needn’t worry too much because the first half of the date is a rooftop pool party.

“I feel so lucky to have my first date with my future husband,” says Tara which seems right that she is the first one to invoke that psycho “future husband” talk.

The first side conversation is between Chris and Kimberly. To have a complete fresh start, Chris walks around the corner to pretend they are meeting for the first time. He and Kimberly seem to be sweet people and have a good time. I feel like this was a good choice by him, especially considering some of the crazies that are there.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion…Jillian the News Producer and Megan sneak down to Chris’ house to explore and snoop. Jillian’s bikini bottom is so small that her butt is censored by a black bar for this entire adventure. Megan appears to be either touched, drunk, or a combination of the two as she puts on his motorcycle helmet and rams her head into the walls and the fridge to make sure it’s safe. So let’s put those two on our Crazy Radar and keep tabs.

Although the girls have enjoyed the pool party, they seem confused by it. They were told to “show your country” and as yet, nothing country has happened. So the producers have Chris lead all six women down the streets of LA in naught but their bikinis and shoes to, what else, a tractor pull.

So just to be clear: they walked down the public streets nowhere near the beach in their bikinis and now are going to be tractor racing in their bikinis which is not only exploitative but honestly sounds super painful and not very sanitary. I’ll bet someone show’s their “country”. There’s a whooooole lot of “country” about to be shown.

Tara is obviously thrilled out of her Florida mind and is hungry for a win. Chris is toeing this strange line between simple-sweet and secret perve for me. He really has all the personality of a field of soybeans.

The tractors take off! And they go very, very slowly. This is a source of great comedy for everyone involved. The race drags until finally Ashley I. pulls ahead to win the whole thing and some special one-on-one time with Chris.

As the women left behind eagerly await the next date card, we get a check in from Juelia who has such massive veneers she cannot speak properly with them. Juelia has a daughter named Ireland, and reveals that she was married to Ireland’s father. Her husband committed suicide right after the birth of their daughter. It’s super emotional. Someone asks if she knew he was struggling, and she replies “Yeah but I didn’t understand…I just feel so bad that I didn’t understand.” She’s crying a whole lot because of course she is. The other women are very supportive and sympathetic to her. Alright Juelia, now I’m totally on your side. You have had it ROUGH and you deserve to have great love again. What an emotional interlude to have right after a bikini-clad tractor race though.

 On the group date, we don’t get to see any of the one-on-one conversation with Ashely I. except to show how upset the rest of the women are that they are left alone. Chris is very uncomfortable with this whole situation of managing six women at once. When they come back from their chat, Chris asks Mackenzie to spend the rest of the night as a one-on-one with him, leaving the group date rose behind.

The other women are PISSED that their time is cut short, but they also think it’s sweet that he pulled Mackenzie aside because he recognized how nervous and shy she was. Tara is heartbroken and about to cry. Ashley I. feels “jipped” that she didn’t get the rose after winning the race. But that rose has not been handed out yet, and that means Mackenzie still might not get it. He might realize that she is a CHILD with a CHILD and not right for him. Her hair is also such a hot mess.

They’re at a posh bar called Escondite in LA which is out of the comfort zone for both of them. This leads immediately to a bit of discomfort that never quite leaves the whole conversation. Mackenzie observes that he once had his ears pierced, and he laughs saying “no one has ever noticed it before!” Which seemed like a good, kind of quirky start but then she starts in with, “Wanna know something crazy? Well not crazy, just kinda weird?” And she explains that her absolute, most important factor in a man’s attractiveness is a prominent nose. She does this while giggling and it’s very sweet and complimentary, I think. But in his talking head, Chris does not seem very amused or flattered. He thinks she’s weird. Go tell it to the wheat thresher, Soules.

The strangeness doesn’t stop there though. Mackenzie then asks,“Do you believe in aliens?” Chris stammers and flounders for words. Come ON, dude.

“The fact that she’s talking about aliens on a first date does raise a few red flags for me,” he tells the camera.  Does it, Chris? Does the fact that on a first date she’s not talking about marriage and her five year plan raise some red flags? I would so much rather talk about aliens than any of that on a first date. PS – ALIENS ARE REAL. IF YOU BELIEVE IN THE BASIC LAWS OF SCIENCE AND THE FACTS OF OUR KNOWN UNIVERSE, THEY ARE REAL. DON’T BE SUCH A DICK ABOUT IT, FARMBOY.

What is eating away at Mackenzie is that she hasn’t yet told Chris that she has a son. It’s making her nervous and coloring the conversation. She finally gets it out that she has a son named Kale, and he is very sweet about it. Of course he is; he can’t viscerally react to her being a single mom. She shows him a picture of him on her phone. He puts up with that as best as anyone can, “Oh wow he is so cute.”

But I guess that does the trick to convince Chris to give her the rose. She’s stoked out of her mind. They dance a little at the bar. I’m unimpressed. I think he didn’t see a real solid reason to send her home, so he kept her. We’ll see. He kissed her a bunch on the date too.

The second date card has arrived! Megan is going on the first one-on-one date that reads “Love is a natural wonder”. She does not initially understand that it’s a date card and not a love note. Of course though, because who isn’t familiar with the long, storied history of love notes being passed around willy-nilly on the Bachelor?

Megan, a makeup artist, is wearing a metric ton of makeup. She and Chris hop right into a stretch limo to be whisked away in a private jet to Las Vegas. They then step immediately into a HELICOPTER! YES! THE COPTERS ARE BACK! THE COPTERS ARE BACK ON THE FIRST ONE-ON-ONE! They take a helicopter tour of Las Vegas and the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon.  They land for dinner in the middle of the Grand Canyon. They sit down on a picnic blanket by the river and Chris cheers to “the most beautiful blue eyes in North America.” Ok, Chris, we're laying it on a little thick here I think. You truly don't have to try so hard with these women.

Megan launches immediately into the harrowing tale of how right before she was supposed to come on the show, her dad suffered a massive heart attack and died. She is detailed in how terrible his death was too which is FUN. Chris eats it all up and is even more into Megan than he was in the copter. Chris gives her the date rose easy-peasy because he is super into Megan. They make out. Duh.

The final group date card arrives at the mansion! Kelsey, Trina, Alyssa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Kaitlyn, and Brit are on the date card that reads “Till death do us part”. The girls are creeped out but intrigued by that missive. It’s dark as the two stretch limos arrive to some abandoned warehouse. They are thoroughly creeped as things start sneaking around the limos and banging on the windows. I know it’s a total slam dunk to watch other people be scared via pranks, but it is a slam dunk for good reason. Watching those girls scream bloody murder and pile on top of each other in the back of that limo is hysterical.

Turns out it’s just Chris you guys!!! Who would’ve guessed! They all giggled upon realizing it was just their hunky farmer man. They are going zombie paintballing. Most of the girls are stoked, but you will never guess who is deeply confused. It’s Ashley S. She is deeply confused about the fact that she’s not shooting any of her teammates.

“Look, do not put any kind of weapon in Ashley’s hand. I don’t care if it’s a fork or a paintball gun, she shouldn’t even be holding a wet noodle,” warns Kaitlyn. And I agree. I wasn’t sure about you Kaitlyn, but that’s some solid gold advice.

This date looks super fun to me and it looks like the women have a ton of fun. Ashley S just walks through a crowd of zombies completely calm, cool and collected. It is truly like a scene from a horror movie. She shoots many of the already dead zombies (played by real humans) at point blank "just to be sure."

“I feel like I’m in the, um, the um, Mesa Verde,” Ashley S says and then points her gun straight at the camera. She is amazingly insane. She is the kind of insane you don’t see every day, and I, for one, am glad she’s there. I am concerned, however, about her obvious mental instability and potential pill-popping problem.

I’m also concerned about Jordan the 24 year-old student who is constantly drunk and stumbling. At the mansion, she attempts to twerk against the wall much to Megan and Mackenzie’s chagrin. Jordan also talks at length about Jillian’s hairy asshole. So that’s real. This show is a national treasure.

Back at the cocktailing portion of the date, the women are trying and failing to understand Ashley S. “There are like angels, literally, in the candle,” she says and looks closely at it. She is an alien. Maybe that’s why Mackenzie asked! Because she knows something we don’t about Ashley S. being an alien trying to infiltrate our earthling culture!

Romance-wise, Chris and Kaitlyn have a really nice chat. Chris is very into her and her whole kooky vibe. They kiss a bunch but it’s very fish-lipped and gross. Chris is kissing a LOT, and he is not a good kisser.

What happens next with Ashley S. is one of the most insane things I’ve ever seen on this show. Her behavior is so bizarre and irrational it borders on terrifying. First she’s trying to explain something to the women and all she can say is “boom”, “that’s the truth”, and “that’s how I feel.” And no amount of further questioning gets her to explain. Then she goes off to talk to Chris and he is being as diplomatic as possible as he asks her questions and she either completely doesn’t respond or whispers something quickly.

She suggests they play hide and seek because she originally said she wanted to hide, but her alien computer told her that’s not normal. They go for a little walk and she asks Chris if he a) knows where they are b) has ever been there before c) knows if this is Mesa Verde  d) where is Mesa Verde. Guys, I’m not totally positive, but I think there’s some kind of extraterrestrial significance to Mesa Verde. I can’t legally tell you to go mine for unobtainium in Mesa Verde, but I’m saying it’s not a bad idea.

Even as Chris is giving an interview saying how strange she’s acting, Ashley S. approaches and interrupts the interview. “Your leather smells really great,” she slurs after some other things I honestly couldn’t make out. He pulls her aside to have a chat.

“How are you doing? Are you holding up ok?” he asks.

“I literally don’t even know what you’re asking,” Ashley S. replies.

“I’m just asking how you’re doing and if you’re holding up ok. It seems like you’ve got a lot on your mind,” Chris says gently. For what it’s worth, he’s being very patient with her, probably because he can tell something isn’t quite right.

“You don’t wanna lose the whole world. You wanna gain the whole world,” she says to him after he suggests she goes home and they get some one-on-one time tomorrow, “You don’t wanna lose your soul.”

“That’s…a fact,” he mutters. Starting at about 50 minutes into this episode on Hulu is when this all started going down, and I highly recommend taking a look because it is so bizarre. Like I said, and per the other women on the date, “she is obviously on some hardcore something.” And with that, she leaves. The final shot we get of her is her on her hands and knees talking to a stray cat who I assume is her alien overlord there to yell at her for blowing her cover so bad.

Moving right along to Britt, Chris and she pick right up where they left off. The chemistry is intense and you can tell they already like each other so much. Chris gives her a card for one free kiss because he is a teenage boy and thinks that’s the height of romance. It’s not, but Britt loves the gesture.

Ultimately, the date rose goes to Kaitlyn. Britt is a little disappointed, but I’m not surprised that he gave it to Kaitlyn. She’s got a hold on him.

The final cocktail party begins with the usual nerves from the women who didn’t get date time with Chris this week. Emotions are officially invested, so the stakes are high right away. Whitney wanted to make a good impression and stand out so she set up a mini-date on the patio. She gives him a bottle of his favorite whiskey and they share a drink together. It is understated but memorable and a very smart move on her part.

Then a huge knowledge bomb gets dropped on us. Ashley I., Mackenzie, and Megan are all talking and Ashley I. drops that not only has she never had a boyfriend, but she is a virgin. Mackenzie is SO jazzed about finding that out. She is jealous and thinks it will make sure that Ashley I. sticks around for a long, long time.

“No he will like it, all guys like it because guys like taking your virginity,” Mackenzie implores to her. “You’re super pretty. You’re really intelligent, and you’re a virgin. Oh my god you’re so lucky,” she squeals.

Her reaction is a little intense, but I feel like it’s the absolute best Ashley I. could’ve hoped for. With the courage given her by Mackenzie, Ashley I. goes forth to have one-on-one time with Chris. She starts off by telling Chris that she has a magic lamp belly-button ring, and that throughout her time there, he gets three wishes. “Do you want your first wish tonight?” she asks. He asks for a kiss and she makes him rub her belly button ring. Gross. But they starting making out, and I mean, making out like on top of each other and heavy petting right in front of all the other women.

This is also a key piece of information given what Chrarrison told us during the very beginning of the premier last week. Ashley I. is going to make it all the way to the fantasy suites unless there's another virgin running around. Spoiler alert, Chrarrs! But now I'll be interested to see how this plays out. Ashley I. certainly hasn't been a real front-runner, but we need to take her bid seriously.

The kissing reaches such a point that the other women already start their jealousy pangs and jealousy tears. Britt is particularly upset. But for others it just encourages them to go for it. Amber kisses him. And when Jordan gets wind of that, she goes on the warpath to kiss him. She’s wasted as usual and really puts off Chris by just talking about kissing the whole time rather than letting it happen naturally because she’s wasted and that’s how drunk logic works.

And with that, the Chris’s go away to decide on the cuts for the group.

So who’s in? The roses go out to the following ladies.

Britt, Ashley I., Trina, Kelsey, Samantha, and then he calls Juelia who is standing behind Jillian who thinks he calls her name. When Jillian realizes her mistake she almost slips and completely goes down on the carpet. She laughs really loudly and overcompensates for how embarrassed she feels about both parts of that. So, Juelia gets the rose. Then back on track with the roses going out to Amber, Tracey, Jillian, Jade, Nikki, Becca, Carly, Whitney, and ASHLEY S. GETS THE LAST MOTHER LOVIN’ ROSE OF THE NIGHT. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I CANNOT. I mean I can because the producers probably begged him to keep her, but still. I can’t wait to see more of her antics.

This means Alissa, Jordan, Tara, and Kimberly are going home. I feel bad for Kimberly because it really hurts to get rejected by the same guy twice. She is really sweet and a complete bombshell of a woman, so I think love might be just around the bend for her. Tara is sobbing to be leaving. Girl, you’ll be fine. Go back to Florida. “It will haunt me for the rest of my life,” she weeps. Um, no it won’t. You just think it will but like all things in life, this too shall pass Tara.

See you guys next week for when Jimmy Kimmel shows up to help Chris go through some kind of Bachelor Bootcamp or some nonsense! Love!

The Bachelor - Episode 1 Recap

Well, well, frickin’ well. Look who’s back, babies. It is I. It’s I and it’s you and it’s Chris Harrison and a bunch of bumbling bimbettes vying for the love of but ONE MAN. I’ve got my flannel jammies on. I’ve got a beer on my coffee table, and I’m ready. Are you? Please be ready. We can only get through together. In the immortal words of Jon Bon Jovi: take my hand, and we’ll make it, I swear.

For the first time, the premier of the Bachelor is a live event and they have trucked out all the very biggest stars of the Bachelor Family. Sean and Catherine are there. Brooks is there. I can see Dylan Bad-Hair Good-face behind good old Chrarrison! We start on the sparsely attended red carpet as Chrarrs tells us that this show. Has. Everything. LA’s hottest club is called DESPERATION. There’s a virgin who makes it through a fantasy suite. There are two widows. There’s a beloved talk show anchor that fills in for our beloved Chris Harrison. But, not to disappoint Stefan, nothing too crazy yet like Football Jellyfish.

Now let’s smash cut to a sweeping shot of Chris Soule’s farm in Arlington, Iowa. Oh, but wait, this down-home farmer has a bad side. Here he is riding his hog down a country highway. Chris LOVES farming, guys. And it takes about ninety seconds for him to make a comparison of farming to love. Perfect.

Chris has a huge, loving family and everything is great, except one thing. Can you guess what it is? It’s hard to find love out in Iowa. To demonstrate this, we see Chris sitting on the stoop of an abandoned building and waving to a red van that just drives right by. That big red van? It’s love. And Chris? He’s just been driven right by. This show. It’s deep.

Then Chris goes to a neighborhood bar to meet with the Old Gentleman’s Brigade that is led by a man who looks just like Jimmy Carter. Maybe he is. BUT OH MY GOSH FORGET FORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER, CODY IS HERE. CODY THE SWEET, SWEET DUMB DUMB IS THERE TO PHYSICALLY TRAIN HIM. AND THEN THEY PLAY FAKE FIELD OF DREAMS SOUNDTRACK AS CHRIS LOOKS OUT OVER A FIELD OF CORN WITH HIS MOTORCYCLE. He is ready now, more than ever to find love. So he takes off on that sweet, sweet hog that is compensating, surely, FOR NOTHING.

Champagne from plastic flutes is flowing on the red carpet, where we get a quick chat with Sean and Catherine. Catherine is wearing a cape with alternating panels of black silk and tulle because she is queen of my heart. They are adorable, as per ushe.  It’s my great hope that we will one day come to a point wherein we do not discuss their sex life. Someday soon. 

This red carpet is going to eat up a LOT of my time tonight. We talk to Marcus and Lacy who are still on track to be wed this summer. We do find out one key piece of information from them. There will be thirty women instead of the traditional twenty-five. Oh my dear heavens, thank you for the beer I have. Let’s meet some of these women, kay?

First up is Britt, a bubbly waitress from LA who is just trying to find love in a hopeless place. She hikes and is FIT. She didn’t have sex with her last boyfriend, “which is cool because I got to know that I liked him not because of anything like, physical?” I do not care for her, as yet.

Next we see a woman doing back handsprings on the National Mall in Washington D.C. Jillian is a twenty-five year-old news producer. She’s raven haired and in charge. “I lift heavy, and I love it,” she says of her training regimen. Get out of here, Jillian.

Amanda is 24 and from Lake in the Hills, Illinois and is a ballet instructor. TWENTY-FOUR IS TOO YOUNG FOR A THIRTY-THREE YEAR-OLD FARMER. IT’S TOO YOUNG. When a producer asks why she’s still single she immediately responds, “Can I say ‘cause I’m f***ing crazy?...I still live with my parents. I don’t like paying bills. I don’t cook. I hate cleaning.” Remember when I yelled about her being too young for him? Remember how I was so, so right? Never forget that.

And just a hop over from Amanda, is Whitney from Chicago who is a nasal-voiced fertility nurse. She just loves completing people’s families, but is so overwhelmed by the urge to find love. Her dog is WAY too small and her joy is WAY too much for me. But I actually kind of like her for Chris. She is the cinnamon sugar to his steaming pile of oatmeal. We’ll see about you, Whit.

Just for a quick check in, we are twenty minutes into this sucker, and I have screamed into my hands no less than three times. The most recent scream was for Mackenzie who clocks in at a mere twenty-one years but has a son named KALE. HER SON. IS NAMED. KALE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. HER SON IS NAMED KALE. THAT’S TOO MUCH. WE HAVE GIVEN KALE TOO MUCH POWER. THIS IS HOW THE ALIENS WILL WIN, AND IT ALL STARTS WITH F***ING KALE.

Kale is adorable and has dimples but that does not change the fact that his mother gave him the name of our leafy-green overlord. Mackenzie is going to cry every day she is in that mansion. My patience for her is already expired.

Alissa is another twenty-four year-old flight attendent. They make her pretend to do a pre-flight security check with all these Bachelor puns. Alissa seems basic as hell.

Kelsey is a high school counselor who loves her job, but needs to find love after losing her husband a little over a year ago. He just dropped dead of a heart attack, so that’s my new worst nightmare. She’s strong and great. I hope for good things for her.

Back on the live red carpet, Josh and Andi come to chat about their everyday lives. This red carpet is really more of a corral for the former contestants to hang out and drink before they allow them into the studio. There’s clearly no exit. Hahahahahaha what if a single one of them had ever read Sartre’s “No Exit”???? Can you imagine? Sharlene probably has. So she gets it when I say this show is the epitome of Hell is Other People.

More red carpet nonsense ensues as Nikki Ferrell, the famous ex-paramour of hated Bachelor Juan Pablo. It’s the first time she’s back in the Bachelor Family since the breakup. She talks in circles about what happened the last time she was there for the After the Final Rose Ceremony. I honestly just wish her the best and hope we can just let this all go. Let’s leave the poor woman alone. Please, for all of us.

HOLY S**T. I DON’T CARE ABOUT WHAT NIKKI IS SAYING BECAUSE MY DEAR, SWEET KING OF DIAMONDS AND LIZARDS NEIL LANE IS ON THE RED CARPET CORAL BEHIND HER. WHAT’S HE UP TO? NEIL LANE I LOVE YOU!

I think they were expecting this Nikki interview to shed new light on the Juan Pablo situation and that maybe she would dump on him for being a dog. But she doesn’t do that at all, so it falls flat because it’s a woman trying to defend her choices. Chrarrison really tries to bait her into slandering JP, but I fully respect that she does not give in to that.

After that travesty, we are now inside the famed studio. I think this party is about to get started. I need it to.

The first limo finally arrives. Amanda the ballet teacher describes Chris’ smile as “a panty dropper”. Classy. But very first out the limo is Britt the “waitress” from LA who hugs Chris for so long she CRIES. SHE CRIES. That’s enough Britt. Oh, no it’s not. She leaves a gift with him. It’s a note for a free hug. F*** that. Next is Whitney the Fertility Nurse made of cinnamon sugar. She’s way too enthusiastic, but I don’t know guys, I like her for him.

Then Kelsey that widowed guidance counselor. I guess we’re getting all the pre-screened ladies out the first limo. She is sweet and put together. I really like her.

When Megan, who is, you guessed it, TWENTY-FOUR, comes out of the limo he calls her “blondie” which is not ok with me. Ashley I. is a raven haired beauty who is a freelance journalist. Chris calls her gorgeous.

Second limo is up and Chris playfully knocks on the window. What a joker. Trina is a thirty-three year old special education teacher and she seems sweet for now. Next up, Reegan, a blond woman in a teal dress gets out of the limo holding a red hazmat cooler because she is a donated tissue specialist. Please God, let her pretend that a real human heart is in that cooler. She does. She pretends that. “It’s not real! It’s just a joke,” she giggles. He puts up with the bit reasonably well.

Oh, FOR THE LOVE. Tara is a SPORT FISHING ENTHUSIAST from FLORIDA who is wearing jean shorts, cowboy boots, and a plaid shirt. I JUST CANNOT AND WILL NOT DEAL WITH THIS KIND OF IDIOCY. YOU’RE NOT THAT CHILL, DUDE. JUST PUT ON A DRESS. Sport fishing enthusiast is the kind of “job that not’s a job” title that you might think could go alongside “dog lover”. I have a feeling, however, that Tara will not bring me the kind of droll humor and joy that Kelly did.

Amber is a bartender from Chicago, and I love her dress. But Tara is not quite done with us yet. She tells us how she feels “judged” by the other women, but “they can judge all they want because I can wear a nice cocktail dress like the rest of them”. And she does. She puts on a little black dress. So what’s the point of the whole cowboy boots intro? He’s not going to recognize you? Shut up, Tara.

Nikki is a former NFL cheerleader who is so gorgeous, but during her intro, Tara sneaks around and gets back into the limo and comes back out the limo. Chris recognizes her and says, “You're back! What just happened?” He laughs, but I think he can smell the crazy a mile away.

 With the third limo, the driver is forced to bring a sealed envelope to Chris from one of the ladies. “Chris, please turn away from the limo and close your eyes. Hugs n kisses,” it reads. He obeys. Out the limo pops Amanda the ballet instructor, and she doesn’t let him see her face because of the whole secret admirer trick he pulled last season. Ok.

 Jillian the TV producer is in a slamming red dress, and she talks to him about working out. She doesn’t have a personality outside of fitness, so she is my mortal enemy. Then Mackenzie the twenty-one year-old mom whose son is named KALE is out with her hair just hanging. I swear to you, she is in her prom dress. It’s teal and bedazzled, and I would bet solid money that it’s her prom dress.

Ashley S. is the next out. She is a hairstylist from New York, and her face looks like she drank poison right when she got out of the limo. Her eyes are darting all around. Did she take some kind of opioid? She gives him a lucky penny. Her eyes are the craziest of eyes.

Kaitlyn a 29 year old dance instructor pops up in a short red dress and opens with, “I know you’re a farmer, and you can plow the f*** out of my field any day.” He just laughs and can’t form words because that is DIRECT. And crass. She then worries that he’s not a farmer because he doesn’t react at all because what the hell was that? He giggles nervously through the rest of the exchange. Poor, simple man.

Without the remaining women arrived, Chris walks into the party. There are only fifteen women so far, and it’s a departure from the usual for him to do this. Almost as soon as he walks in, Kaitlyn the dance instructor/aspiring comedian offers to tell a joke to dispel nerves. Chris replies, “Maybe I should talk first and then when I’m done, you can tell a joke.” OOOOOOOOOOOOH SHOTS FIRED, CHRIS. WAY TO STAND UP TO BAD COMEDY! He makes a simple speech about how the women should all relax and just be themselves. Simple man. Then it’s time for Monday night at the Bachelor Imrpov:

“Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?...Because he wanted to find a tight seal!” Kaitlyn chirps. The women are mostly horrified by this. I’m not horrified because it’s crass. I’m horrified because it is from a joke book and is TERRIBLE COMEDY. Megan, a makeup artist, admits to not getting it. At least she’s being true to herself.

While all the women go right back to freaking out about where the other women are, Chris takes Britt aside to talk to her. She really made an impression on him with her crying hug and note for one free hug. So that’s Chris’ taste in women you guys: Thirst.  He really likes her, to the point where they almost kiss.

Chris gets to know some ladies while the other women continue to freak out about where the other women are. I cannot stress enough how much they are freaking out. And just when things are about to reach a head, Chrarrison comes in to drop off the first impression rose. All hell breaks loose.

But before any of that gets resolved, Chris has to solve the mystery of the Secret Admirer. He deduces pretty quickly that it’s Amanda Ballet, and they sit down to chat. Her eyes are the size of tea saucers and they are filled with madness. They talk about Chicago suburbs. Romance.

Chrarrison arrives to steal Chris away to meet the next few limos of women, because, surprise, there are more women. The current women panic.

In the studio audience, we talk to an ill-prepared Clare who has absolutely no light to shed on the situation. And Michelle Money has been there the whole time, and I just want to chat with her. Michelle is the best.

The first girl from the second set of limos is named Samantha. Her arrival is overshadowed by the madness of the women who arrived first already being possessive and psycho about Chris. Michelle, a wedding cake decorator, is in a hein-hein-heinous dress. Juelia spells her name like an idiot. Becca is pretty and in world’s shortest black sequined dress. She takes Chris’ breath away. Tandra is an executive assistant who arrives on a motorcycle. Alissa the basic ass flight attendant brings Chris an airplane seatbelt…….She does. And then she shows him how to fasten it. I cannot and will not abide.

Jordan is a TWENTY-FOUR YEAR-OLD student who brings whiskey and is dressed in what looks like blue silk BDSM? I hate it. She seems like a mess. Then a girl comes out in a pig nose because she wants to “ham it up for [him]”. What the what? Why? The girls ALL agree that was a bad idea.

Then we go from the sublime to the ridiculous. Britney is a Floridian, WWE Diva in training wearing what can only be described as a skintight, lace hanky with matching wristlets.  THEN, Carly a cruise ship singer (oh, Carly) comes out holding a tiny pink speaker and microphone and starts singing “My name is Carly, it’s nice to meet you”. The feedback is bad and it’s so embarrassing. I’m embarrassed for her. It’s upsetting.

The FINAL limo has mercifully arrived. The first girl out is a fourth grade teacher who seems nice. Then we meet BO. Bo is a plus size model. And I want to love Bo with everything that I am because for the first time maybe ever there is someone over a size six in that house. But why is her name BO? WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE EVER SO SLIGHTLY MASCULINE? DAMNIT, BO. YOU SPEAK FOR THE TREES.

Guys. There are still more women trucked out, still more ding-dong women. I’ll just tell you about the last woman named Jade who is a twenty-eight year-old cosmetics developer wearing a figure skating costume. It’s not literally a figure skating costume, but with the slightest of ease could be turned into one. The top is all nude illusion netting and the only thing covering her boobs are crystals. Inappropriate. Go do a triple salchow and fall on it, Jade.

HOW ARE WE NOT DONE YET? I’VE BEEN WATCHING THIS SHOW FOR SO LONG, AND WE’RE JUST OVER HALF WAY THERE.

But all the women are here, so the circus can now truly begin.

Kaitlyn the Crass Dance Instructor teaches him to dance. Chris is impressed by her, but Kaitlyn firmly sucks. Then the “stealing” begins with the pressure mounting more and more for each woman to have time to talk one-on-one with Chris.

Chris is so overwhelmed with wonderful women that he says, and I quote, “I wish I was a polygamist right now.” Cool, cool, cool. Very cool. Very chill. I am ok with that 100% because it is way too early in this show for me to rage out about gender roles. So that’s cool, cool, cool.

“Every person you meet, is like an onion. You cut them, and when you cut them, you peel them back. You peel them back layer by layer,” Ashley S. the drugged out coo-koo bird explains to camera as we see her wandering the complex looking for Chris. When she finds him, she interrupts him to blather on about feeling like she didn’t get her time with him all while holding a yellow rose from the garden.  Chris laughs trying to get control of the situation, but can’t seem to. Her eyes are very intense, and she is talking so bananas, that I am sure she has taken too many Quaaludes. Megan tries to interrupt just as Ashley S. slurs to Chris that she wants to ride a horse through a field of sunflowers.

Then we cut to Ashley S. demanding that the cameras take a good look at what she considers to be an onion in full bloom.  She is demanding they look. She is convinced it’s an onion, and you can hear the producer encourage her to go take a look. “Let’s check it out,” he says. And she stumbles over saying “I mean, if it’s a pomegranate, God bless it.”

Y’all, it turns out to be a pomegranate, and y’all, she picks it. “Wow,” she gasps, “I feel powerful.” 

More and more women get drunk as more and more women talk to Chris and give him great first impressions. He’s met most of them, and now feels comfortable to pick up the first impression rose that is BROKE. ASS. It is bent and the petals are falling off and it is broke ass. But he brings that broke ass rose to Britt because obviously he does.

He is really into her and her exuberance. He kisses her. Wow Chris is not pulling ANY punches. He is kissing on the first night. You could tell he really wanted to before, and he just went for it.

As they come back into the house on the highest of highs, the women in the room look like they could murder. Chris is then pulled away to start making his decisions on whom stays and whom goes on this very first night.

Chris begins the rose ceremony by thanking all the women for being there and then jumps right in to call out:

 Kaitlyn the Crass Dancer

Jade

Amanda,  maybe, I thought he said Pimento so Amanda is my best guess

Ashley I.

Tandra

Nikki

Kelsey

Megan

Alissa

Amber

Juelia

Becca

Trina

 Tara the redneck is bumbling and bobbling this whole time. She is clacking in her heels and almost falls over at one point. And after Chris calls Trina’s name, he takes a pregnant pause, then walks away. He talks to Chrarrison about Tara and what he should do about her. He wanted to give her a rose but second guesses due to her current state. Chrarrs just tells him to follow his heart. I’m sure the producers sneak in there to give their two cents. And we are right back to giving out roses.

 Mackenzie

Tracey

Tara then gets called. All the women are super upset. Tara looks like she might boof.

Jordan the hot mess student.

Jillian

Whitney

Carly

And the final rose of the night goes to Ashley S. who has a really good chance of being fully addicted to pills.

I know the producers have a lot of sway in whom he chooses for dramatic purposes, but honestly, I’m pretty disappointed that he picked the three hot-mess drunks who were crazy.  As the discarded girls leave the mansion to talk to the cameras, you can see that the sun has come back up. It is dawn.  That’s how long that cocktail party was. All. Night. Long. That’s rough stuff for the ones who were heavily drinking and rough stuff for the ones who didn’t and know have to just go home after being awake for twenty-four hours for nothing. The women takes turns crying about why he had to pick drunks instead of wonderful women like them.

And then Kimberly who was rejected and didn’t get a rose, turns around from her interview and walks right back into the mansion to talk to Chris. We don’t get to find out what happens with that until NEXT week. 

Which is when I will see all of you lovelies next. I am so excited to be back on this Journey with you guys. I took a step away from regularly updating my blog for a while, and nothing short of The Bachelor could bring me back. So thanks for that! Recaps go up on Wednesdays, so until then, keep in touch. Follow me on Twitter @chasspod, and the Ask box is always open!

It is coming....

The Bachelor - After the Final Rose Recap

Jumping straight into After the Final Rose because never before have we needed to have so many questions answered. I’m so confused about so many things, and I need Chrarrison to pull me through.

“Why was ‘I like you a lot’ enough for Nikki to accept the final rose?” Chris Harrison asks us. Why, indeed, Chris? Why, indeed?

No time is wasted bringing Clare on stage in a stunning black leather, a-line dress. Girl has style. I think it speaks to the depth of the lack of character of Juan Pablo that I went from being so annoyed with Clare to being so completely on her side.

Chris asks her about what happened that made her so sure of that proposal. She talks about the night in her hotel room where he had every opportunity to ACTUALLY be honest with her. “Tell me your fears because these are mine. Tell me your worries because these are mine. Tell me your doubts because I’ll be out of here,” she says. And she also explains how disappointing it was to hear Juan Pablo say something so offensive and rude to her in the helicopter. “I was definitely wearing those rose colored glasses,” she says about her temporary forgiveness.

“I should have left. My gut was right on. I should have left,” Clare admits. Chris Harrison is very respectful in his questioning. I think we get the answers we want to hear from Clare without feeling like Chris is peeling her open against her will. So respectful is he, in fact, that he asks if she wants to talk to and see Juan Pablo tonight. She says no. “Because never before had I been able to stand up to a man like that before…It was so liberating to stand there and say ‘this is how I feel and it’s not okay’” she explains. That was her closure. And that was enough. The audience applauds wildly.  Goodnight, Clare. I wish you good things in your life. I hope you can take this opportunity to relax and let love come to you when it’s ready. Who am I anymore? I don’t know, but I genuinely want that for her.

“Finally,” is the first thing Juan Pablo says as he comes out on stage. He sends a quick shout out to pray for Venezuela in their time of turmoil. Indeed. But let’s not stray from the point. “At the end of the day I had to make the decision that was right for me and it is what it is,” he explains about what happened. WHO TAUGHT HIM THOSE WORDS?! I’LL FIND YOU.

This guy is so full of hot air. He blathers on for a while about how hard it was for him and how he did the math that there were so many hours he spent on the show but only twenty hours were seen. And then Chris Harrison politely interrupts, as is custom for a host to do when the contestant is blathering. And Juan Pablo says, “Um can I talk?! Hoo! Can I talk?” and Chrarrison bowls right over him because NO. YOU CAN’T TALK YOU DOLLOP OF PRIMORDIAL OOZE. NO ONE DISRESPECTS MY CHRIS HARRISON. THAT MAN IS A SAINT AND A TREASURE. YOU SHUT UP.

When Chris asks him if he would have done anything differently regarding the helicopter comments, Juan Pablo demures that things were private and should be kept private and there are many things we didn’t hear. “Why should I have regret?” he asks. He genuinely doesn’t know to what Chris is referring. He doesn’t know that Clare was deeply offended by him saying “I don’t know you but I like f***ing you.” The rat bastard.

Juan Pablo goes away and we tromp Nikki out. She finally got her blond roots fixed and she is in a smoldering red dress. She is still in love. And she does not know if Juan Pablo is in love with her. “Um, not exactly,” is how she responds to the question “Has he told you that he loves you?”. I don’t know. Gah. Now we’re in the territory where it’s hard to tell what is truth and what is not. Do I feel like at this point he should know whether or not he loves her? Yes. If he does love her should he be telling her? Yes! Does he need to shout it from the mountain tops? Not necessarily, but he should TELL HER.

The couple finally reunites on TV and cuddle up on the couch. Juan Pablo is very excited that the trying four months in secret is over. When Chris Harrison asks what the big surprise he had promised to the producers in St. Lucia is, Juan Pablo plays dumb. He doesn’t know about any surprises. Nikki is his surprise but there are no other surprises.

So then Chris Harrison has to fill time. And he decides to pepper Juan Pablo with questions about how exactly he feels about Nikki. He wants him to say he loves her. But he won’t. And Nikki hasn’t said a word the whole time. She’s like a silent prisoner wife being obedient and silent, and it’s hard to watch. This is a smart, strong, independent woman, but she seems so complacent and deadened.

Juan Pablo goes on and on and on about how it’s personal and he’s not going to just say it to say it and he wants to be honest. He disrespects Chrarrison AGAIN by calling him out for interrupting him. Rude.

We get Sean Lowe’s opinion on the matter. He basically says that everyone is different, to each their own, but it is part of the process to lose a certain amount of privacy. And it is Sean’s nature to tell a woman the second he feels it to let her know he loves her! To tell her and hear it back!

“This is supposed to be the good part!...This is the time to shine and express your feelings!” Chris says.

Juan Pablo won’t play along. Nikki finally gets to chime in after being asked how she feels about it. She basically says that they are happy. They are treating it like a real relationship. That unlike other couples who come on After the Final Rose, they are actually a real couple who aren’t just saying they’re in love because they’re supposed to. On the one hand, yes. Maybe it’s good you’re taking it slower than others have in the past, but also I think if you’re with a guy who can’t say the words “I love you” to you, that’s not a great sign.

“Our plans changed drastically two weeks ago after the filming of the Women Tell All, but you know, it’s private. Now begins the private part of our lives,” Juan Pablo says of the future of their relationship. Ok, buddy. Yeah. “now” being after the full week of interviews you are contractually obligated to give to all the shows on ABC and the tabloids and magazines and everything? Ok great.

Nikki silently sits there and lets Juan Pablo talk for her. He kindly disagrees with Sean’s opinion that it’s not public, it’s private. And Sean shakes his head and laughs, “I hate to burst your bubble, buddy, but after this it doesn’t stay private.”

And his lovely wife Catherine chimes in saying how confusing this whole thing is, and “This show is about love and finding someone…don’t slap the hand that fed you.” Juan Pablo doesn’t know that expression, which I won’t fault him for. But I agree 100% with Catherine. He signed up for this. This is part of the deal.

Chris agrees too and explains that he understands wanting to keep some parts private, but why wouldn’t you want to celebrate the good part which is that Juan Pablo did find someone to be happy with and that he loves, yet refuses to say.

“Twelve years I’ve been doing this! This is a Bachelor first. Easily,” Chris Harrison shrugs to camera and then promises us the big reveal of the next Bachelorette.

Who, if we couldn’t have predicted beforehand, we now all know is Andi, our plucky ADA from Atlanta. This is perfect. I think Andi gets the show. She gets the process and is “open to the process”. I think Andi has just the right amount of chutzpa to have a sense of humor about things, but still ultimately be successful in this. I like Andi a lot, and I’m really looking forward to her upcoming season.

She comes on stage in an awesome silver sequined mini dress. She is breathless and nervous, but is stunning. “I just don’t wanna pop this dress!” she says. That is exactly the kind of spunk we need! Chris Harrison and she joke along to make sure she understands the process will be televised and that if she falls in love and might have to tell the world. She feels all in and is so ready for this. She is ready to fall in love and maybe get engaged.

Which might happen sooner rather than later! In two short months I’ll be back doing weekly recaps, as always on Wednesday. Please feel free to submit questions and comments, I always do my best to get back to you. It’s so much fun for me to get to know people from all over the world who love this show. It’s such a weird, great thing knowing so many people give a rat’s behind what I have to say about all the madness. It is appreciated and so delightful.

So until the Bachelorette is back on our TV screens, follow along here at the blog for all sorts of pop culture fun. Follow along with me over on Twitter @Chasspod. And as always, besos mis amores. Stay awesome. 

The Bachelor - The Final Rose Recap

It’s finally here everybody. Our long national nightmare is coming to an end. The Vile Beast of a man, Juan Pablo, is going to make his final decision and give out a final rose. Or will he? Or, will he give the rose and be rejected? I hope so. I hope Juan Pablo ends up cold and alone to fully ruminate on his horrible behavior and how it got him NOTHING. But let’s not put the cart before the horse.

Open to Chris Harrison standing on his victory dais in the middle of the studio audience filled with single ladies and matronly moms, as well as a few Bachelor Family all-stars. He promises us that Juan Pablo has a big surprise planned, and that we will get answers to many of the burning questions we’ve had all season like IS JUAN PABLO THE WORST DUDE, OR THE WORST DUDE?

The first third of the episode is dedicated to the ladies meeting and being interviewed by Juan Pablo’s family. The whole clan of Galavis’ are there: mom, dad, brother Rodrigo, sister Anita (from Venezuela!), with his niece, and cousin Rodolfo and his clear braces. Clare has the first family day, and is, of course, all smiles and excitement.

“Today, I’m gonna keep an eye on Clare to see how she interacts, and I’m gonna see how she is with my family,” Juan Pablo explains. Sounds cool and possessive. Clare comes in and everyone is just lovely, and Camila is being freaking adorable. Clare cannot handle how wonderful it is to see Juan Pablo with his daughter. She says it makes him even sexier to see him being a good dad.

When asked about kids and family, Clare is giving all the appropriate answers that she wants a big family. She’s charming and bubbly. Her time talking to his mother is sweet. She seems lovely. But she does warn Clare, “He sometimes is very rude…his honesty but he says the things very rude.” They bond over the fact that he has made both of them cry! DELIGHTFUL AND ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR!

Rodolfo and his clear braces are very intense in their questioning. He right away asks if she is in love and she says she’s “definitely falling in love with him.” Then he says that when things get rough, Juan Pablo likes to walk away, but can Clare have the strength to hold on?  She says that the one thing she is sure of is how much she loves. And I like that answer, but I don’t like the question. Maybe Juan Pablo should work on fighting to keep a relationship instead of walking away when things get rough?

His dad is an absolute DOLL. He is so warm and welcoming to Clare. He calls her a mature, secure, wonderful woman and that he loves her already. Clare says he’s a gentleman and can see where Juan Pablo gets it. I say, how can his dad be such a kind, warm gentleman and Juan Pablo such a narcissistic dick hole?

Back in the live studio audience, Chris Harrison promises this to be “the most controversial finale in Bachelor history…I never use that word”. Chris Harrison is becoming sentient. When he asks the audience if they think it’s going to be Clare there is a slow smattering of applause, but for Nikki there is a dull roar.

But here comes Nikki’s family “date”! Cousin Rodolfo is very excited to meet her, but why aren’t we talking more to hot brother Rodrigo? Hot brother Rodrigo has more of the tall, dark, and handsome Latin look. More Rodrigo, por favor!

Nikki sits down with his dad. She has all the right answers about wanting a family, but then Dad warns her, “You know, he’s not an easy guy. It’s always what he wants…he thinks he knows the truth of everything. Everything!” And THAT is accurate. What has frustrated me so much about Juan Pablo is that he has never once admitted fault in any sense, for anything. He has never apologized or acknowledged that maybe he messed up, only placed blame because to him that’s the truth. It’s infuriating for someone to never be vulnerable enough to admit to fault.

With his mother, Nikki and she discuss what a weekend might look like with JP and Camila. She says he’s a very simple, normal guy, and asks if that’s really what Nikki wants. “Juan Pablo is not easy, but she’s very strong. If he asks her, I think she’s going to say yes,” his mom tells us.

Rodolfo and his braces are taking this way too seriously. You are just cousin Rodolfo! ¡Relájate! He once again brings up that when things get rough Juan Pablo tends to walk away. Red flags! So many red flags all over the place! His whole family has told both women how challenging Juan Pablo can be! HIS OWN FAMILY IS THROWING HIM UNDER THE BUS.

But Nikki feels more confident than ever that Juan Pablo is the guy for her and that he will be down on one knee in just a few days. She’s so excited for it. Dummy.

Before we get to the final dates for each woman, we have a chat with the live studio audience for their thoughts. Normally I hate this blatant running out the clock, but in this case, I want to hear how everyone is feeling about JP. Not great it turns out. The first woman stands up and just says, “This is going south real fast. This is gonna end bad. The family warned both of the gals against him, and they were like ‘it’s ok’ but it’s not ok!” And Chrarrison GIGGLES. He straight up GIGGLES “ees not okay!”

Then we talk to a dude to get his perspective; he’s Team Nikki. His wife thinks it’s hard to get a read on Juan Pablo. The third woman also feels it’s strange that his family warned the women about him being difficult. So now we get to the Bach Fam! I love them. Arie is there! But we go straight to Kelly because she’s the smartest and best. She repeats the same thing about the red flags being everywhere and both women ignoring them.

Catherine, wife of Sean, sheds light onto the tendency of women to ignore any warnings or red flags for the sake of wanting a relationship to work out so badly. It’s true. That woman is so wise.

In keeping with order, Clare has her last full day date with Juan Pablo first. The producers have decided to bless us with the helicopter ride we have been so greatly missing. They are both over the moon excited to be together and spend quality time. The helicopter takes off and the music soars! It’s beautiful! It’s extremely romantic to Clare!

Disaster strikes quickly though. And disaster is no exaggeration.

“So as the helicopter’s landing, we have a rare moment together no cameras, no microphones, just us and the pilot. And Juan Pablo leans over and whispers something to me. What I thought was going to be kind, sweet nothings was not what came out of his mouth. And I’m just shocked,” Clare explains. She then goes on, “He chose to tell me something that no woman wants to hear. That he really doesn’t know me, and some sexual thing I don’t even want to repeat. It was insulting. It was offensive, and it just made me feel awful.”

All this is voiced over as JP practically drags Clare up a small hill to overlook the sea. She is so turned off. And now she’s angry and confused. “If he can’t tell me that he knows me well, or that there’s something more than a physical connection, then I’m outta here,” is the ultimatum Clare gives. And it’s a fair one. If a guy I had genuine feelings for said “I don’t know you very well, but I sure love f***ing you,” I would punch him once in the teeth, twice in the balls, walk away and never look back.

So tonight, as they meet for the final time, Clare is going to confront him. He arrives and she tells him to come on in. But he waits at the front door to pout like a child and ask for a “besito”. No, Juan. No besitos for you. The live audience claps as she continues to deny the requests for a besito.

So the confrontation begins. She says that he could have said anything in the world to her at that moment, but he chose to do something else. “What did I say? Remind me,” he says because Juan Pablo has the memory of a goldfish and can’t even keep track of the horrible vulgarities he’s put upon the women in his life. Clare goes on that she is worried he said that she doesn’t really know him, and that he doesn’t really know her. “Oh so that’s why you didn’t give me a besito?” he condescendingly asks. I’ll kill him.

Basically, when she is telling him that she wants much more out of life than a physical relationship, he tells her that her feelings aren’t valid because he was being what? Honest! He could sit there and lie to her, but in that moment “boom” he was honest. “What I know of you, I like. But there’s probably parts of you that I don’t know that I don’t like. I don’t know”. The reaction faces in the studio audience are mostly raised eyebrows and stank-glare. Clare threatens to leave again because she has much more to offer a relationship than something physical. Amen, Clare! Stand up for yourself!

“To me the no kissing is the best rule you have ever given me, but you’re the one who broke the rule in South Korea so don’t blame it on me,” he “jokes”. She defends herself and he’s like “I’m just kidding” AND I WANT TO CASTRATE HIM. DON’T YOU DARE SLUT SHAME HER MORE. DON’T YOU BLAME HER FOR ANYTHING YOU HUMAN GARBAGE SACK.

Then something weird happens. He tells her that he’s thinking about his daughter and weighing this decision heavily and blah, blah, blah. So she tells him that those are the kinds of things she wants to hear. What things? Empty platitudes? He explains that she’s so special to him because she met his family…just like Nikki. He talks about the future and having babies with her and moving to Sacramento. And he wins her back over. They snuggle up like deranged kittens. Clare now cries because she feels sure of what he told her. Juan Pablo plays that song by Josh Krajick that they heard on their first date. They kiss a lot. Fool.

The studio audience does not approve. The Bach Fam is disapproving especially. We talk to Sharleen who said it was hard to watch a woman ignore her intuition and be won over by someone being “quite patronizing, frankly”. Sean Lowe agrees “it was painful to watch” and was disappointed that Juan Pablo was talking in circles around her rather than shooting her straight.

Nikki is spending her final date on a catamaran with Juan Pablo to snuggle and sun bathe and swim. They talk about a lot of nothing. When Nikki tells him that sometimes he seems a little guarded, he says no. NO, of course you aren’t, you’re perfect and everyone else is wrong and stupid and you are the most amazing man ever to walk on Earth. EAT GLASS, JUAN PABLO.

At night they spend some time in Nikki’s suite as is custom. She just wants him to tell her that he loves her. She has said “I love you” to him and just wants to hear it back. Nikki expresses to him that she’s worried about things and is thinking a lot. He tells her, “It is what it is.” I would like to find the person who taught him the phrase “it is what it is” and inflict a deep punishment upon them. Bamboo shoots under the fingernails? Water boarding? They deserve pain.

Nikki presents Juan Pablo with a framed picture of them riding horses from the week before. She also presents him with a card saying she’s so grateful for the experience and that she loves him. In return he plants the slowest, weirdest, most fish-lipped kiss on her forehead. I want to die.

As JP leaves for the night and kisses her a few more times, Nikki already begins to cry. And she cries even harder after he leaves because she’s so scared about it all being over and not knowing how he truly feels.

The time is upon us! The final decision will shortly be made known! Juan Pablo is in a suit. The women are putting on beautiful dresses! BUT WHERE IS NEIL LANE?! MY FAVORITE LEATHER SHOE OF A MAN IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND! The women voice over how excited and ready they are, but I’m still sad about everybody’s favorite Alien Lizard King and Jeweler not being seen.

The women arrive by boat, not unlike D-day and the beaches of Normandy. But who will arrive first and face certain heartbreak? Why, it’s Clare. Oh no. It’s Clare. This poor woman. As much as she is not my favorite person, I don’t actively wish her unhappiness, especially after what she has put up with from this total scumbag.

She arrives at the final podium with Juan Pablo. There are pregnant pauses as they both say how nervous they are. Clare gives a big speech about how through all the doubts and questions, she believes in the something special they have together.

Then he tells her how they’ve had their ups and downs and that she’s there because he wants her to be there. And as he’s talking, you can see her realizing what is happening. “I wish the Earth sucked me in today because this is the hardest decision I’ve ever made,” he says. And then he says that he “has to say good-bye” and goes in for a hug.

And she puts up both her hands to stop that and push him away. Because YES. She tells him off for not telling her two nights ago when he had the chance that he had doubts or couldn’t see it.His facial expression is so combative and defensive like Clare is the bad guy here.

“I’ve saved this moment for the man of my dreams, and I thought that was you,” she spits to him, pointing a finger at his chest, “I thought I knew what kind of man you were. Sharleen didn’t have the feelings for you. It wasn’t there. Andi did the same thing. You had every opportunity to tell me like those other girls did.”

“Do you know how I feel?” he retorts, “Do you know when my decision was made?”

“It doesn’t matter to me. I lost respect for you,” fumes Clare. And she starts to walk away, but just off the platform, she turns and she points her finger at him and says, “After what you just put me through, I would never want my kids to have a father like you.” And she DROPS THE MIC, AND WALKS AWAY. YOU GET THE LAST WORD CLARE. HOW FUN WAS THAT? YOU RULE. SO MUCH RESPECT FOR YOU.

Juan Pablo says, “Ok,” to her, then, “Hoo! I’m glad I didn’t pick her.” What an absolute child.

She continues to be a strong-ass woman to camera that a real man wouldn’t have done what he did. “Don’t tell me you love f***ing me! Don’t tell me you can see yourself in Sacramento! Just don’t say anything. Don’t. Say. Anything,” she hiccups through tears to us. “Where’s the man that makes me feel like I’m worth it? That would fight for me?”

I mean at this point, does Nikki understand that she is losing by winning Juan Pablo? You couldn’t pay me millions of dollars to be with that man. I’m sure he’s a more multi-dimensional person than the show necessarily allows us to see, but at the end of the day, this man said “I love f***ing you” to a woman he claimed to respect. And then got upset with her for thinking that’s unacceptable. And then rejected her. And that’s the mark of a disgusting and filthy soul.

Oh hooray, here comes Nikki. I’m so excited for her. She does look stunning though. Her royal indigo dress is stunning and her butt looks terrific. Nikki is so positive that he’s going to be proposing, and can’t wait to tell her mom that she’s engaged.

After her speech to him about how much she admires him and loves him. Juan Pablo tells her that he loves so many things

about her, foremost is how honest she is, just like him. HA HA HA. “It’s like a perfect time whenever I’m with you, especially your hometown. It made me think of your dad,” he says. He goes on to explain that her dad told him to be 100% sure when he proposes that it’s forever, and he’s not 100% sure that he wants to propose. But he IS 100% that he doesn’t want to let her go. “I like you a lot, a lot. So Nikki, will you accept my final rose?” he asks.

And she says, “Absolutely!” CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? THIS IS UN-F***ING-BELIEVABLE. “I LIKE YOU A LOT”????????????? THAT’S ALL IT TAKES? NO. NO. I’M SORRY. WHEN YOU TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM FOR WEEKS AND THEY RESPOND WITH “I LIKE YOU A LOT” YOU CRY FOREVER AND DUMP THEM SOONER RATHER THAN LATER BECAUSE YOU CAN’T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SCALES TIPPED SO UNEVENLY. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

And then show ends. Just like that. And in the past, I’ve never recapped the “After the Final Rose” Sepcial. But guess what? I have to. THAT’S RIGHT. Immediately following this post will be the “After the Final Rose” recap because there is MUCH we need to continue to discuss. 

It’ll be in a separate post. See you there in a jiffy!

The Bachelor Drinking Game - Juan Pablo Edition

I wish I could’ve gotten this up sooner but unfortunately I was trapped at the Cook County Criminal Courthouse fulfilling my civic duty of jury duty and contemplating suicide. I’m still on my way home as I type BUT never fear. Here are the rules to your favorite drinking game - THE BACHELOR DRINKING GAME.

Juan Pablo says "ees ok"

Juan Pablo says something deeply stupid, beyond a translation issue

Clare talks about her Dead Dad

You can see Nikki's bird tattoo

Chris Harrison says "most dramatic finale ever"

Helicopter rides!

Juan Pablo is an inconsiderate, narcissistic ass

Voice over happens while Juan Pablo is shirtless on a balcony, or walking on a beach, hands in pockets

One of the women says "fairy tale I've always dreamed of"

Neil Lane the King of the Diamond Peddling Lizards appears!

Happy drinking! 

*I ALMOST FORGOT*

*Bonus* Full Shot - If Clare shows him the Dead Dad DVD

-If Juan Pablo ends up alone

And if Juan Pablo ends up alone AND sees the Dead Dad DVD? Well, then we have to drink until we can't feel the shame and sadness anymore.

The Bachelor - Episode 10 Recap

The Women Tell All

Juan  Pablo’s turbulent season of the Bachelor has moved along at quite the clip. Why, it feels like just yesterday we were eagerly anticipating Juan-uary, blissfully unaware of what a horrendous douche bag Juan Pablo would turn out to be. But here we are at the Women Tell All, one week away from a finale that I’m hoping ends in heartbreak for this guy. I often find this episode to be the most difficult to recap because it is either just a recap itself, or it is so dialogue heavy that it’s hard to pick and choose which quotes make it. And tonight is promised to be a brutally honest show-down between the women and Juan Pablo.

I can’t wait.

Chris Harrison opens by acknowledging that JP is a controversial and divisive Bachelor…and then we cut straight to tromping out Sean and Catherine to catch up about their wedding and their sex life. I care not! I love them, but I care not of their marital bliss!

UUUGGGGHHHH and then we cut to a fully bearded Chris Harrison interviewing another high profile celebrity couple: Miss Piggy and Kermit. It’s all part of their escalating publicity campaign for Muppets Most Wanted that comes out this month.

Ok finally we are at the women. They are all there and looking beautiful. We jump right into a video package of all them talking about how sexy and suave Juan Pablo is, and how he’s attractive because he plays soccer and dances.  I feel like it’s baiting them into explaining why they now think he’s a jerk. `Which they do gladly. It becomes a gigantic pile on of how and why he was maybe not the best guy to try to be in a relationship with.

Andi starts off the dog pile by saying that yes, Juan Pablo was very attractive, but after a while you need something more than a pretty face to sustain a relationship. Danielle, the one they tried to make us forget chimes in that all their conversations stayed very surface level. Lauren S., the awkward and shy music composer, also adds that he would always say “What do you want to know about me?” but never really asked about her, which other women vigorously nod their heads to agree with. “It gave me the impression that he was just not interested,” concludes Lauren S.

But then to switch debate team sides, Renee is there who felt genuine love for this man. She chalks it up to the fact that they were able to bond about their children and parenting which is very deep and not surface level. Ali interjects that Renee, however, did express frustration that their conversation couldn’t get past Ben and Camila. Cassandra, the other mother (who’s deep plumb lipstick I COVET), agrees that they so often didn’t talk about anything other than their kids.

“When you date someone, you connect with someone and you know about their past and you know about their childhood. You know about what pizza they like and what their favorite color is! I don’t think he was asking those types of questions,” Cassandra says, making a really awesome point. Kat says that any time she tried to steer the conversation that way it got weird or shut down.

Then Ali jumps in the dog pile saying, “He asked me where I saw myself in five years. And then the next conversation we had, he asked me where I saw myself in three years, and I was like well pretty close to that five year mark!”

And then we hit kind of the only stumbling block between the women that we get all episode truthfully. Lauren again expresses that she felt he was really hard to connect/relate to and it frustrated a lot of the women how he seemed so “checked out”. To which Kelly, Dog Lover and Dispeller of Discerning Wit, replies “Ok, so, Lauren in the house you were acting very different than you’re acting now. You were very into him. In TEARS in Korea.”

“I was emotional because I was deciding if I either want to move our relationship forward or leave,” retorts Lauren.

So Chris posits this to Kelly, “Is a lot of this just sour grapes that Juan Pablo didn’t pick them?”

“I think so, “ Kelly responds. I agree that is probably the case for some of them, but I do also think that the cold water shock of getting back to reality and not the Bachelor Fantasy World probably made them realize that guy was not the best.

Despite everything that happened between them at the end, Andi does come to his defense a bit. She defends that he was there “for the right reasons”, but that his end goal was different than theirs. He wanted to get a “girlfriend” that after everything was over he could figure things out with, but the women came there for a husband.

And here’s another weird thing about this season. There is usually a villain to rail against: one woman who was the source of all the drama, all the negativity in the house, who must be tromped out on stage to atone for her sins. But there isn’t a woman this time. It’s the Bachelor himself.  Chris Harrison, ever on my side, agrees that he has never been part of a Women Tell All quite like this one.

Next we’re going to pile on to Juan Pablo for having a set of cockamamie rules that he changed whenever he felt like it in regards to kissing. Kat feels like it was confusing. Kelly thinks he used Camila as an excuse for the chemistry not being there.

“He didn’t say ‘Camila’ whenever he was in the ocean,” she says. BOOM. Kelly! Please host your own show!

Renee comes in to defend him a bit with his choice not to kiss her out of consideration for her son Ben, but Kat feels like that may have been a cop-out too. Kat also goes on to add that while she loves the moms, him always referring to the as “my special ones” made her questions, “Well, what the hell am I?”

And while Chris helps clarify that it was because Juan Pablo is also a parent and wanted to make sure Renee and Cassandra felt understood, Kat (and I) think he should have just cut the word “special” from his vocabulary. Cassandra even agrees. She was a “special one” and even she was frustrated by the constant changing of the rules.

She goes on to explain that on their one-on-one date, there “was a lot of chemistry, a lot of kissing” and then he would go straight to Renee to tell her that he wanted to wait with her. So ultimately, she says, “It made me feel like he’s either not respecting Renee, or he’s not respecting me.”

And after that little ordeal we move right along to the Clare and the Ocean drama! Andi and Kat were both flabbergasted that they had no idea whatsoever that had happened because they were rooming with her. But the girls are more offended by the extended hot tub make out they had DURING the group date.  Kelly and Kat both say “that was way more disrespectful!” at the same time!

But back to the ocean, Chris Harrison says, “He had great regret and shame the next day, and he seemed to put that shame on Clare. Did he handle that situation correctly?” And NO is the resounding answer from all the women and the entire studio audience.

“I just don’t think he manned up like he should have in that situation. Honestly he’s just as to blame, if not more,” Sharleen pipes up. They all share that he was being a cowardly jackass who was slut-shaming Clare completely unfairly. Andi sticks up for Clare saying she knew what a great connection they had and took advantage of a situation. It’s completely on Juan Pablo for letting it explode and backfire the way it did. Alright, with that we end the guerilla warfare on Juan Pablo.

Sharleen gets up on the hot seat! Sharleen seemed a little divisive amongst you guys. Some felt like she was the breath-of-fresh-air, every-woman this show had been so sorely lacking, some of you felt like she was just awkward and strange and unpleasant. I think she was a bit of a combination of all those things. Chris Harrison feels like the relationship shared between she and Juan Pablo was such a hot-cold crazy thing, the likes of which he hasn’t really seen before.

“I think that honestly, I was honest the entire time,” she says when Chris asks her to talk about her experience. Cut to the video package that recaps their time together. We are forced to relive a lot of those hideous kisses.

She talks about how when they were together there was a great physical connection, but that so many of us have been in that place where the chemistry is there so you try and justify and fill in all the other holes and empty spaces. They laugh about the ever elusive “cerebral connection”.

Sharleen does come to Juan Pablo’s defense in that she found him to be “very curious” and would ask her questions about her life abroad and other cultures etc. But Chris chalks that up to her being Juan Pablo’s favorite from the get-go. Sharleen admits to having no idea how well favored she was, and the other women are like, “GIRL, PLEASE!”. They alllll knew how special she was. But ultimately, “it’s a two way street and that didn’t stop me from leaving” Sharleen concludes. She has few regrets and is glad she made the decision to leave. Huzzah, Sharleen you are a class act.

Now it’s Renee’s turn to drag her heart through the mud again. I have so much respect for this woman, so I’ll be interested to hear what she has to say about Juan Pablo. Renee is very level headed, very kind so she might be easier on him than the other women. Renee acknowledges that while she did feel love for him, they were so far behind everyone else. She was the last to kiss him, and they just moved slowly. But ultimately, Renee doesn’t regret coming on the show because she gained confidence that you can date as a single mom. And she also says she’s in a “situation now where I’m very happy”!!! I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, RENEE! BEST WISHES TO YOU AND YOURS! CLASS ACT FOR THE AGES!

Andi, come on down! It’s time for our hero Andi to take a turn in the hot seat. They dive right in about what happened in the Fantasy Suite that fateful night. Andi admits that at first when the cameras left, they did have a bit of a good time, but it quickly turned into Juan Pablo talking about his soccer, his traveling, the famous people he’s met. She also says he talked very negatively about the “whole process” and was so negative, and borderline ungrateful for the opportunity, that she felt sucked into it.

“I think he thinks he was a very good Bachelor,” she laughs.

“Was that sarcastic?” Chris asks.

“Oh no, that is actually zero sarcasm. I think he thinks he was a very good Bachelor,” responds Andi.

She then rehashes a lot of the things she was upset about when she left in St. Lucia. He was rude and talked explicitly about his date with Clare and no woman wants to hear that. Andi also does  a good job clarifying that he wasn’t “mean” to her, per say, but that the things he said and the way he said them were rude and disrespectful, unintentionally. Which to my mind is almost worst, to be a total jackass and not even realizing how hurtful you’re being. Wake up, buddy!

The best part though is when Andi admits to faking being asleep to get the date over with as soon as possible. She and old Chrarrison have a hearty laugh over that one. And they end by saying that Andi is not “in a situation” like Renee, but that she’s still looking for love. So they have set her up perfectly to be the next Bachelorette.

AND NOOOOW, ARE YOU READY TO RUUUMMMMBBBBLLEEEEEE??? JUAN PABLO IS HERE. He says right away that while he’s anxious and nervous to be there, he hopes he can be friends with many of these women after the final rose is done. Also he doesn’t regret anything he’s said or done!

“I’d rather be not appreciated for being honest than being appreciated for not being honest,” he says. He really would rather be rude and offensive speaking “the truth” than just say things a little differently and not be such a jag. Cool. Sounds right.

Lauren S. calls him out right away for using Camila as an excuse to not kiss her, rather than just saying the chemistry wasn’t there. His hackles go up and he says “no, no, no” and explains that he wasn’t there to kiss twenty-seven women, no no, he was there to get to know them and see if he felt something. So if he felt like he wanted to kiss them, he would’ve kissed them.  Which is cool because it is 100% up to the man to decide whether or not a kiss should happen because what do a woman’s feelings matter anyway HA HA HA?!?!?!

Juan Pablo also dives into a speech about how the part where Renee says how crushed Ben was after the last boyfriend and her broke up wasn’t televised. So he wan’t to spare Ben from that heartache and distress over why a man would kiss his mom and then leave forever. Baloney.

Which is where Cassandra, all of the sudden my hero this episode, says, “Honestly, if you cared about Ben’s feelings, you wouldn’t have gone on the hometown and met Ben only to send Renee home.”

To which Juan Pablo replies, “Why not?” because he’s the WORST.

“Before a hometown, you should have known if Renee might have been for you. And if you knew that Renee wasn’t for you, then you should have never met her son,” replies Cassandra.

“Why?” he says with the most condescending expression on his face. He says he introduces to Camila to whoever on the first date, as a “friend” or whatever. Which seems like the trope in the beginning of a 90s movie about children of divorce that are always being introduced to a parent’s “friend” all the while knowing that parent was dating cheap, no-good men/women. CAMILA GETS IT, JP. STOP DOING THAT.

Chantel calls him out for saying that keeping things fair line over and over and yet calling two women “special” and treating them differently. I think we’re getting a little caught up in the semantics of the phrase, rather than him not treating all the women as equals. He says that when he was on the Bachelorette it was different because Camila had her mom, but for these two, “they don’t”. Meaning the kids don’t have their moms, but don’t they have their dads? If they do, then this just reveals more of Juan Pablo’s unbending gender roles that a mom is the primary care-giver and dad’s can’t/shouldn’t do as much. Or the dads aren’t around and it is truly harder.

So Lauren H. the weeping Mineral Coordinator from night one chimes in with some sound reasoning and redeems herself a lot. She says that it is good to have those connections with the moms in the group, but to acknowledge and act compassionate towards the whole group because everyone is in a similar place. Way to go, Lauren H.! Coordinate those minerals!

Andi speaks up for Juan Pablo and it’s good because she expresses for him what he might not be able to. She says that he wan’t putting Renee and Cassandra above everyone else, but wanted to make sure they knew that he saw them differently.

“It’s not a game, this is like a relationship. And I think everyone here just wanted to be treated like they were in a unique and individual relationship with you,” Lucy tells Juan Pablo. This is great. All these women have really shown up tonight with their best, smart, strong sides showing. Girl Power, Lucy!

And then Kelly takes off the gloves and asks Juan Pablo point blank about what he meant in that infamous interview where he said gay people are “more pervert”. “Coming from a parent who is gay, I was hurt by that,” Kelly says. Juan Pablo looks right at her and says that he would love to really take the time after this to talk to her because that was taken out of context.

“Pervert? Was taken out of context?! Tell me that in Spanish,” she demands. Kelly is emotional here and that’s fair. Then Victoria joins in that he needs to stop using “English as a second language” as an excuse because she didn’t learn English until she was fifteen, and it’s making everyone look bad. I agree with that whole-heartedly!

But, I do feel like Juan Pablo is not a raging homophobe and that it’s possible he was misquote and misrepresented in that interview. He tries to defend himself but also gets a little too on the defensive that he’s not going to answer that right now. Whereas I think he could have used this time to really apologize and explain what happened. “I have no problem with them because I respect them. They were born that way!” he says. Sharleen also comes to his defense in saying that they talked about it in Seoul and feels like he is open minded and accepting. I believe Sharleen, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

And then we cut straight to bloopers! Chris Harrison says, “here’s your bloopers” like “here’s your gosh darn bloopers you ungrateful, dramatic loons!”

And that’s that. Thank God. Next week we are moving back to St. Lucia to see a very tearful final episode between two rival women on the show. Who will Juan Pablo chose? Clare? Nikki? No one?! What happens! I can’t wait! See you there my lovelies! Juan Pablo drinking game rules up on Monday for the premiere and recap up on Wednesday! Tell me all about your viewing parties and how you’re celebrating too! BESOS.

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

"There's a difference between being honest and being an asshole."

We. Are. Back. Yes that’s right folks we are back for round two of this week’s double dose of the Bachelor. One day later, one day wiser, one day of hating Juan Pablo more. Tonight is the famous Fantasy Suite episode where sex is the issue around which all conversations tip-toe. If the previews haven’t mislead us, tonight’s episode should be chock full of juicy stuff, and I also I can see myself getting very caps-y. Strap in tight. Grab your wine. Let’s do this thing.

  This week we are in St. Lucia: a beautiful Caribbean oasis with tropical flora and crystal clear waters. Juan Pablo starts us off by saying, “OH St Lucia you are beauuuutiful.” Clare is up first for the full day plus overnight dates. Juan Pablo has already mentioned “no cameras” several times because he’s very excited for “no cameras”. They get into a dinghy and zip across the sea to a yacht. Clare is telling us, in a very exuberant manner, that she is honestly not sure if she will accept the overnight date if it’s offered to her. 

Really Clare? You’re nervous about spending the night again with a man when the last time you did it you were publically slut-shamed by both the show and the man you’re “so in love with”? Sounds about right. Even as they swim in perfect blue water, Clare tells us again how nervous she is. “The fantasy suite might not be for me,” she says. We’ll just see.

We move right along to the dinner date which will ultimately lead into the presentation of the fantasy suite card aka an invitation for SEX. LET’S ALL ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SEX HAPPENS BETWEEN ADULTS, THE BACHELOR. Ahem, in any case, Clare actually looks beautiful. She’s wearing this flowing white maxi dress. Say what you will about her, and believe me I have, but she is always styled immaculately.

Over dinner they talk about how much Clare wants to meet Camila and be a big part of her life. While Juan Pablo says her name “ca-mee-la” Clare says “ca-mil-a” which makes me laugh every time because that is the name of Gonzo the Muppet’s chicken girlfriend. Camila. The Muppet Chicken.

The date card is presented! Clare demures by giving a big speech about how it matters what Camila sees and how she feels about it all. But Juan Pablo is like “haha it don’t matter. I just really wanna bone you.” And so Clare is like “As long as we’re on the same page.” So they go to the fantasy suite because OBVIOUSLY.

“Everything he’s said to trust him about, I trust him,” Clare tells us as they enter a beautiful and white suite. She is gearing herself up to tell him that she loves him. They sit on a white couch and sip champagne, and he grabs her ear. He grabs her ear and keeps petting it. Don’t touch my ears! Then he gently pokes and caresses her face, and I’m dry heaving. Finally he drags it out of her that Clare is “loving falling in love with you.”

“Come here. It’s ok,” he says. I hate this guy. Then they have sexy hot tub time. “He’s that man that I want to have babies with. That I want to get married to. And I’ve never felt that before,” shares Clare. So that’s where they are at. Have at it, you two. At this point you deserve each other.

But the date we’ve all been waiting for is happening right now. Andi is up. Juan Pablo is so excited and says that Andi is just one of those people that you talk to and have chemistry with. Foreshadow. They walk around a place called the Denner Seafood Fiesta. They learn to play the steel drums. They buy street food. They sit down at a picnic table and make friends with little local kids. They offer them food and the kids say no to food from strangers because they are smart. Juan Pablo further belittles them by buying them juice. Oh and then they all play a pickup soccer game. “It’s like a little romance mixed with some culture. What more could you ask for on a date?” Andi asks. I don’t know, Andi. A man on that date who can think?

Then they hop in a land buggy, drive through the jungle, and then take a short jungle hike to yet another waterfall! Waterfalls are their thing, y’all. They share a little picnic and seem to share some actual good conversation about what happened at the hometown. Then they have sexy waterfall times. 

Over dinner, Juan Pablo wants to take the time to address something Andi said during hometowns. She allegedly said that she “badly” wants to fall in love, and he’s concerned that she’s forcing it. And he doesn’t want that. She clarifies though that she just wants to make sure that she is in fact in real love with him before entering into the role of mother into Juan Pablo’s family. He accepts this answer, and for now everything still seems very lovey-dovey on both sides.

“This is my life, and I don’t want to make a mistake. And I don’t want to regret it later,” he tells her. And while those sentiments are certainly true, they don’t have the delicacy they maybe should. They talk more and more about just what the other person is thinking. He says she’s not sure if she could be a good mother yet. “I don’t know these things.  That’s why I have an overnight with you tonight so we can talk about those things,” he tells Andi. 

She accepts the fantasy suite card signed with love from Chris Harrison. What a load of boloney that farce of Chris Harrison hand-writing these cards is. We all know it’s some P.A.’s job, Bachelor!

“Waking up this morning, I’m so happy. We frickin’ talked and laughed for hours! HOURS!” Juan Pablo beams to camera. He even thinks Andi could possibly be the one.

Smash cut to Andi walking down a path in a black maxi dress. “Waking up this morning, I couldn’t wait to get out of the fantasy suite,” she says, “I thought that I was falling in love because I had genuine feelings for Juan Pablo, but the fantasy suite turned into a nightmare. I saw a side to him that I didn’t really like.”

She tells us how she’d had concerns all along, but had pushed them aside because the times they spent together, they did have a good “connection. But then Andi launches into a laundry list of reasons why Juan Pablo was being a downright d-bag on her overnight. Anytime she tried to talk about something personal, he interrupted; he was name dropping; he talked about his overnight with Clare. “I’m not an idiot. I’m well aware of the situation, but I don’t need him to tell me about an overnight date with someone else when I didn’t even ask,” she says. “He doesn’t get it clearly. He has no filter. And him having no filter just comes across as him not caring.”

“It’s extremely important for me to be with a guy who loves me more than he loves himself.” Wow. Andi you rule. I love that she is being 100% honest. There is no sugar coating on her words whatsoever in how much she is not into this guy. He is narcissitic and kind of dumb and she is done with him thinking he can get away with just being “cute” and having everyone fall in love with him. She questions why she was so blind and is sad that she feels like she wasted so much time with someone she knows will never be a good partner to her. Girl, I feel you. But don’t beat yourself up about it too much. I think I speak for all of womankind when I say we have all fallen for a guy only to realize very abruptly that they were terrible, awful, horrible, no-good very bad men.

And in that light, this is maybe the first time we’re getting to see one of the women have this realization in real-time. I’m sure that there have been more than a few finalists who, after leaving the show, realized that the man they thought they were falling in love with was actually a no-good butthead (JAKE PAVELKA. BEN FLAJNIK.). But let’s get back to the drama at hand.

We are skipping right along to the overnight date with Nikki. Juan Pablo feels like both dates so far have gone really well, so he’s looking forward to see how things go with Nikki. HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL. YOU GUYS. THE OUTFIT SHE IS WEARING. THE OUTFIT SHE IS WEARING. I can’t. I cannot deal with it. Nikki is wearing a FLESH COLORED, FRINGE TEENY-TINY CROP TOP WITH TRIBAL PRINTED FLOWING LINEN PANTS. It’s the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen. Ever.

  They go horseback riding across the island. “There’s a difference between being a nice guy, and being a strong person. I’m a strong person so I need someone to match that,” Nikki tells us as they ride. The two have both separately mentioned that the other is a good kisser, so we know the sexual chemistry is there. They have a picnic on a beach and go swimming. She still hasn’t told him she loves him though and is banking on the dinner tonight to tell him. 

Dinner comes and goes with little fanfare, no “I love you”, and one fantasy suite card that Nikki whole-heartedly accepts. Juan Pablo says he will get some alone time with Nikki then whispers “finally” in the most lecherous, horn-dog way imaginable.

Once in the fantasy suite, they kiss a little and Nikki finally just says, “I love you, and I think you know that. But it’s taken a lot for me to say that.” Then Juan Pablo whispers some unintelligible nonsense to her while kissing her. Then they probably have sex.

Juan Pablo arrives at a swank-ass cabana with Chris Harrison to have a heart-to-heart chat. After clearing up some translation issues because Chrarrison is the man, they very vaguely talk about the women and what Juan Pablo is going to do. I had also completely forgotten that this is the week that the women leave personalized videos to help Juan Pablo with this huge decision. How will this fadge?

Nikki goes first, and it’s boring and fine. Then Clare goes, and are you the least surprised ever that she cries? And then it’s Andi’s turn. And she tells how she had real feelings grow, but then says that when she woke up in the fantasy suite, she needed to share some thoughts with him in person. Enter Andi stage left to have what is sure to be a rough conversation.

“Not once did he ever ask anything about me,” Andi says on her long, long walk up to the cabana. They finally meet, and she is immediately emotional. She repeats what she’s told us already that she had some genuinely good times, and genuine emotions for Juan Pablo. She flat out says that she realized she isn’t in love with him and that she isn’t ever going to be. He says that “it’s ok. That if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be.”

“If you don’t feel it, there’s nothing I can do. I had you here because I liked you since week two…if you don’t feel it, it’s ok,” he says. And she says when he says that “it’s ok” it makes her feel like he doesn’t have feelings for her and doesn’t care about her. So he tries to rearrange his words so he can explain himself in English better.

He then says that it’s harder for Andi because she only had to think about one guy while he was busy dealing with the emotions of “twenty-seven, then nineteen, then the next”. Which is cool and demeaning. And then he repeats that he’s “Liked her since week two” and adds “So am I gonna die? No. But am I sad? Yes. Because I like Andi. I’ve liked Andi since week two.”

I mean what the hell guys? What the hell?

“Everything is always ‘it’s ok’ and I will die if I hear ‘it’s ok’ one more time!” she exclaims in frustration over him not understand why she’s upset. And he gets pissy that a woman is having an emotion in front of him and is like “why you upset?”

When she asks how he feels the overnight date went, he tells her how great he thought it was and how much stuff they talked about. She’s exasperated at this point. It’s like talking to a brick wall. He keeps repeating that he was “being honest” when he mentioned that Clare already had an overnight, and that Andi was there “by default”. He takes great offense! GREAT OFFENSE! Because he does not have that word “default” so he CLARIFIES that he said “you BARELY made it here!”

Oh GOOD. THANK GOD. THANK YOU FOR CLARIFYING THAT BETWEEN ANDI AND RENEE YOU JUST PICKED ONE FOR ALMOST NO REASON OTHER THAN MAYBE CUP SIZE. GOOD THING YOU DON’T KNOW THE WORD DEFAULT BECAUSE SAYING “YOU BARELY MADE IT” IS SO MUCH BETTER.

“There’s a difference between being honest and being an asshole, to be honest,” is how Andi reacts. And I cheer. I clap at the tv. Andi you are winning for calling this guy out on his bullsh*t.

The producers are going balls to the wall with shots of random wildlife. So far we’ve had: iguanas, birds, bees, ants, praying mantis, lizards, frogs! So many things! Back in the big fight Andi asks, “Do you have any idea what religion I practice? What my political beliefs are?” And he can’t answer anything. He basically blames her for not bringing up that she wanted him to know those things earlier. And Andi continues.

Then in a moment of moronic defensiveness he goes, “What’s my religion?”

“Catholic,” Andi snaps back immediately. And he turns his head down, and the look of shame on his face is PRICELESS. I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU HOW PERFECT IT IS. SHUT IT DOWN, ANDI DORFMAN. SHUT. IT. DOWN.

He goes on to completely blame Andi for the way she’s feeling now. He puts it all on her that she should’ve brought up these things earlier, but she failed to do it.

The conversation starts to wind down, and Andi starts to shut herself down completely too. Juan Pablo makes one last vain effort to apologize for how annoying it is when he says “it’s ok” for everything. I think he does genuinely try to apologize but the word “ok” just keeps escaping his lips. Then he reaches over to touch her face but really just pinches her eyebrow. Andi draws back in revulsion and asks him to “please don’t touch me. 

She leaves.

In total Juan Pablo says “it’s ok” a total of 26 times during that exchange. That is one “it’s ok” for every year of her life.

“Am I disappointed? Maybe a little bit,” Juan Pablo says to camera. He then explains that if she had just left quietly he would have been totally crushed, but because of the fighting and the problems she talked about, he doesn’t care. I mean, he’s right. Women shouldn’t have difficult emotions or make their man think about himself in any light other than perfection. So I get it.

“I’m all for honesty, but there’s a huge difference between being sincere and being offensive,” Andi tells us as she drives away, “He doesn’t get it. And he never will.” She’s ultimately disappointed because she wanted to find love with someone, not Juan Pablo no, no no, but with someone. You are twenty-six years old, Andi. You are a federal prosecutor. You are smoking hot. You are going to find someone amazing.

“I hope to God he’s different with Nikki and Clare, for everyone’s sake. Because if he’s not, what a wasted opportunity,” Andi says as the two women are lined up for the rose ceremony. Juan Pablo comes out and explains that Andi is not there because she didn’t have feelings for him, so she went home.

Both Nikki and Clare accept their roses after Juan Pablo gives a REALLY GREAT speech about how if there are any questions or doubts, they should come to him right away and he’ll be honest. I’m sure he will. And the group cheers to the end of the “amazing journey they’ve been on together”.

And that’s that! That is the end of a really, really great episode of the Bachelor. I think a lot of the things that we have felt and noticed the rest of the season finally came out from the mouth of one of the best women on the show. I love that this happened. Juan Pablo got called out on all his bad behavior, and guys, the Women Tell All looks so, so, so amazing. It looks like all the women are going to rip him a new butthole for being such a butthole.

UNTIL THEN, MY LOVES! I’ll be over on Twitter @chasspod, I’ll be here on the blog answering your questions and posting other fun stuff, and I’ll be living in eager anticipation of next Wednesday when the recap goes up! LOVE YA!

The Bachelor - Episode 8 Recap

"Caliente pero no caliente"

Oh my sweet, sweet friends. Do you know how much I treasure each and every one of you? It’s true. We are few, but we are proud hate-to-love, love-to-hate watchers of the Bachelor and this season, my, has it ever leaned more towards the hate side. I enjoyed chiding Sean Lowe for being a little dim, but if Sean was dim, Juan Pablo is one of those cave salamanders who evolved blind because they live in the complete absence of light. But we’ll delve into that later, for now, it is time for the historic, and often ill-fated, Hometown Dates.

Nikki is up first which bodes well for her. They never put a particularly bad/eventful hometown in the beginning. She hails from Kansas City, Missouri and if my friend Candice’s mother is to be believed, it is known as the “Fountain City” and has the most fountains in America! It’s a beautiful fall day, and they are dressed like models in a catalogue.

“Being in Kansas, it’s the Midwest. And I kind of like a little cowboy!” Nikki says of her plans for their day. Sure. You can like a little bit of a cowboy, but as hearty Midwestern stock myself, I don’t think “cowboy” is one of the main descriptors of our men. Sturdy? Sure. Beefy? Absolutely. Cowboy? Ehhh.

  To prove his worth as a vaquellero, she takes Juan Pablo to a famous Kansas City bbq joint. It’s the real deal with plastic trays and sauces in bottles. Juan Pablo has never had bbq before and doesn’t even really recognize a rib. Turns out he LOVES barbeque though and is obsessed with the sauce. Then his final test of cowboy strength is to ride a mechanical bull in full daylight at an empty bar! Nikki just watches him ride around on the mechanical bull for awhile, and then he falls off. And then they ride it together. It’s yucky. Be glad you aren’t seeing it. Oh, and Nikki is in love with Juan Pablo and wants to tell him but can’t. That’s going to play out nicely.

Nikki’s family lives in a palatial estate. The mom, dad, and two brothers are all there. Nikki and her mom run away to have a chat right away. They talk about how there is a physical and a mental (HA) attraction. Her mom is right on board with her saying she loves him, with her saying that she would get engaged to him, with her being so head over heels.

  Now Nikki’s dad talks to Juan Pablo and it’s basically just a job interview to be her husband. He’s a sweet man, and Juan Pablo says all the appropriate platitudes. Nikki and her dad talk and the brother’s don’t even enter the frame of the camera. Nikki is tormented about telling Juan Pablo she loves him. And then he leaves. Byeeee!

Hey, y’all! We’re in Atlanta for Andi’s hometown. Juan Pablo is really excited. How excited? “Andi is just mmm,” he says.

Andi takes Juan Pablo to the firing range to shoot some guns. It is “some southern initiation” for sure, Andi. I like that she’s just doing her own shooting and target practice while Juan Pablo struggles in vain to get a bullseye. He finally gets one and makes good on their agreement that he can’t meet her family until he shoots a bullseye. Onward to her family where things aren’t all peaches and cream!

We’re meeting Mom, Dad, sister Rachel, and a brother-in-law. Her dad looks like a bald cave troll in an orange shirt in the most horrific shade of orange. As they tell the story of their aventuras around the world, Dad has already started grilling just about the number of women left at various points. He is red-faced and furious and sure that these two are just “infatuated” with each and not truly in love. That is a fair point dad. It’s like saying “I believe she believes she’s in love, but she’s not.”

Mom and Juan Pablo talk about not really anything. Then Mom asks Juan Pablo to show her his dance moves so he’s calls out ANDI BECAUSE HE’S SIMPLE AND DIDN’T REALIZE THAT SHE WANTED TO DANCE WITH HIM. Then he gets it and dances with Mom. They have fun.

Her father named Hy, which is the name of southern terror, sits down to grill JP. It’s all making something out of nothing just for TV’s sake. Juan Pablo asks in the end if Hy would accept him and his daughter in his own family. Then we break to commercial, but guess what guys it’s more something out of nothing because Hy says, “I won’t answer you because the person that is good enough for my daughter is going to come to me and say there is no one else in the world for me.” Which is really discerning. It’s a way of saying “let’s cross that bridge when we come to it.” I like it. I know he’s tough, but he’s a good dad. Yay Hy.

When Andi talks with her sister tough, she plants seeds of doubt into an already doubting Andi. She brings to the surface a lot of the concerns and problems she’d been pushing down from the beginning. Andi just doesn’t know. Andi is unsure. She is still unsure when talking to Hy, and could see herself falling in love with him. So while Nikki is definitely in love, Andi is still seeing that she could maybe fall in love with him. She keeps repeating that she is “very, very close to being in love with him” which isn’t really a thing. It’s just the same as saying “I really, really like him! Maybe this could be something good!” Which is NOTHING. HOW MANY TIMES DO WE ALL SAY THAT? We all say it so often.

Now we must move along to Sarasota, Florida to see Renee’s hometown date! She’s so beautiful and is jumping out of her skin excited to see her son Ben for the first time in eight weeks. I love her. I just love Renee. She is too good for Juan Pablo. She is perfect.

They reunite with Ben and Renee is beaming. She and Juan Pablo watch his little league game, and Ben is adorable. What a cute kid. Too bad he gets to have some future emotional baggage meeting a Venezuelan lothario on TV. Juan Pablo says he’s so excited to have a son so he can play baseball, football, basketball with him. AND NEWSFLASH BUDDY: YOU CAN DO ALL THOSE THINGS WITH CAMILA TOO BECAUSE GENDER ROLES DON’T NEED TO BE SO FIMRLY DEFINED, YOU DINGLEBERRY.

Renee, Ben, and Juan Pablo come over to Renee’s parents’ Florida casual home to meet the parents and her brother. Everything goes very well with everyone. The family is so warm and accepting because they are Renee’s family, so of course they are a delight. She tells her mom that she is head over heels in love with Juan Pablo and her mom urges her to tell him. Her dad is so mellow and sweet. I just love these people. They are top of the line, good people.

Renee ends the night, but doesn’t end up telling JP she loves him. The competitor in me wants her to “win”, but I feel like this season “winning” is more who doesn’t end up with Juan Pablo. So I want Renee to be free of him and to find the best man in the whole entire world who can be a dad to Ben and a rock for her.

The producer’s know and love how much I know and love their tricks of cutting to random wildlife, and have started off each hometown thusly. We started with cows at Nikki’s, then geese for Andi, then pelicans for Renee, and for Clare? In Sacramento, California? For that darling woman we get a squirrel and a buzzing beehive. Never change, producers. Never change.

Clare is obviously at a 15 to start and we climb higher and higher from there. She does however make a good point that anyone can feel like they’re falling in love on the exotic trips they have been on so far, but it takes something special to feel that way in a simple park. And again, in the interest of being fair, Clare talks a lot about her father, but I get it this time. She’s home, and she misses him. I can’t hate a woman for missing her dad who’s passed away.

  I feel like if Clare had saved all this heavyweight emotional stuff for right now, I would have liked her more. She tells a story about how her dad told her that whenever she misses him to just go to water and throw a rock, and as far as she throws that rock, he’s never farther away from her than that. I’m choked up just retyping that! That is beautiful. But it’s Clare. And she’s pulled the Dead Dad card way too much before now. And she’s too much. And she’s insane. It’s making it hard. At this point though, she and JP deserve each other. They aren’t hateful scum (Courtney and Ben), but they are certainly quite the Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

But there is a reason we have saved Clare’s hometown date for last. A big, big reason. A HUGE reason. It’s her oldest sister guys. She’s a huge ogre, and she is the worst. Drama erupts as Clare, the youngest of six girls, brings home the first man since her dad died. One of her other sister’s Lisa though is very sweet, very calm and very approving of Clare’s love. Her mother Aurelia is just a beautiful, strong matriarch with perfectly coiffed white hair. Aurelia is bomb.

  Sister Madeline is also so kind and asks good questions, but not in a mean way. She affirms Clare and calls her heart “tender”. The rest of them are all so low-key and docile, how did Clare get to be so high strung and crazy? Just youngest sibling syndrome? Surely there must have been something else.

Aw snap. Now it’s time for Shrek (sister Laura) to get her claws into Clare. She tells Clare that “they” are not ready to give a blessing for her hand in marriage. Aurelia, who they keep calling “mama”, is sitting right there and can’t get a word in edgewise. Laura is being a condescending jerk; even Aurelia is like “I just want you to be happy.”

“I’m not going to let you manipulate mama,” Shrek says, and then she stands up and crosses her arms because Clare is “not respecting mama.” Mama is sitting right there. Then Laura stands up and walks to the edge of the garden just to “watch” Clare talk to Mama. Laura is a cranky old maid. Shut up and go home. I’m sticking up for CLARE, Laura! That’s how much of an asshole you’re being!

And now we are at the crux of the reason that Juan Pablo is actually just a stupid man. Aurelia and he chat for a hot second in Español. Aurelia is baller, but when she asks about the weather in Venezuela he says “caliente pero no caliente” which is “hot but not hot”. When asked about your home country that you miss so much, all you can come up with is CALIENTE PERO NO CALIENTE??? Come on, hombre. He just doesn’t even have thoughts. In English or Spanish, there are no thoughts in Juan Pablo’s hollow head. Aurelia knows you need to get out of town, despite giving you her blessing.

Let us sweep right along to the rose ceremony! Chris Harrison walks each woman down the green mile to wait out their nerves. Everyone is feeling nervous and tense because this is probably the highest stakes rose ceremony of them all. It would be hard not to take it personally getting dumped right after a guy meets your family.

Juan Pablo tromps out to give a boring speech giving thanks for everyone’s open hearts and open homes, blah blah blah, let’s get to the blood bath. Nikki is called first. Then Clare. And now we wait it out between Renee and Andi. It’s Andi.

Which means my girl Renee is going home. And she is so sad. And it’s hard to see Renee be so sad because she is a pillar of grace and dignity and kindness and strength. I can’t say enough good things about Renee. Juan Pablo understands the gravity of the situation because he starts crying as soon as he looks at her.

Even as they part ways, she is so gracious, and says she is grateful for the experience of opening herself up to love again. And he cries a lot. And tells her how much he respects her. And even though it’s not much, it’s something. It’s something to be respected. Renee you will flourish and find someone so much better than that old bag. I do even believe she has a good chance of becoming the next Bachelorette. She’s got a lot going for her in that department, but I almost don’t want that for her or her son. We’ll see.

So that is the end of hometowns! You guys, are you so excited that you get to come back TOMORROW for another recap?! I am excited. It means we get to spend more time in the alternate universe that is The Bachelor. They are promising us a very dramatic, very juicy Fantasy Suite episode. So pop over to find me on Twitter @Chasspod, hangout with me here on Tumblr for more recaps and other fun things, and don’t forget you can send me questions/comments with the ask button! I’m trying to start answering those more because I love interacting with you guys about all this hoo-ha. ¡Besos y hasta manaña, amores!

The Bachelor - Episode 7 Recap

"I wish I was a little dumber."

Party in the city where the heat is on, all night on the beach 'til the break of dawn – WELCOME TO MIAMI ¡BIENVENIDOS A MIAMI! In those, the immortal words of the bard Will Smith, I welcome you to this week’s Bachelor recap. Let’s turn on the heat.

Juan Pablo is jumping out of his skin excited to see Camila for the first time in weeks. His little “chiquiturri” runs into his arms and clings on like a koala bear. She is very cute. They swim a little and hang with the fam. Cousin Rodolfo has hilarious adult braces.

 But now it’s time for the girls to arrive. They are really excited to be in Juan Pablo’s home town because next week is their hometown date. The pressure is on. Everyone is feeling it, but the swanky suite with free bikinis is probably easing the pain. JuanPa arrives to hand deliver the date card to Sharleen. She is very uncomfortable but excited for the “Come Sea my City” date.

Sharleen is doubting things right out of the gate. She expresses that she does feel a connection with him on certain levels, but that they are sorely lacking the “cerebral connection that [she] so need[s]”. Which is a really diplomatic way of saying that Sharleen is REALLY SMART and Juan Pablo is a little stupid.

Before the date starts, the girls sit around on their veranda and talk about how strange it is that Sharleen and he have a relationship at all. They share that she normally goes for really intellectual almost nerdy guys, and I’m like yes. Yes Sharleen. This is why we’re friends.

But the date is a low key but luxurious day on a yacht. I would be ok with that date. They snuggle and make out a lot. Sharleen feels attracted to him and that the sexual chemistry is there, but her big old brain won’t shut up that this guy, in the long run, doesn’t get her. As the date moves onto a private island beach, she tells him about her job as an opera singer and how that would play into them potentially having a relationship. She’s again, super diplomatic, and doesn’t give a definite answer. Basically Sharleen is open to change. Which means she doesn’t want to get his hopes up if she might be going home early because Juan Pablo no es muy intelligente.

Juan Pablo is so into her though! He really wants to meet her parents! He was even telling cousin Rodolfo earlier that she might be the one! But he’s not good enough for her! They kiss SO gross! They are the worst kissers ever! She is honest with him about not feeling 100% sure about him meeting her family and he tells her that she makes him feel smarter and that he admires her honesty.

And I’m on board until she says, “I wish I was a little dumber…that’d be so much nicer.” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. IN THE WORDS OF THE GREAT JOHN GREEN “THE VENN DIAGRAM OF BOYS WHO DON’T LIKE SMART GIRLS AND BOYS YOU DON’T WANT TO DATE IS A CIRCLE.” OH GOD. I’M CLUTCHING MY BRAIN. NO SHARLEEN. NO. NEVER DUMB YOURSELF DOWN FOR ANY MAN. BEING SMART IS NOT A HANDICAP IN FINDING LOVE.

Which is why she says, “The little voice in my head is telling me that it’s not right.” Follow that voice Sharleen. When she gets home to the hotel, she runs immediately to talk to Renee because of course. Renee is a therapist. Even after sage counsel from Renee, Sharleen is still completely torn over what to do.

Nikki gets the next one-on-one date much to Chelsie’s chagrin. Chelsie feels like Nikki is always so negative about things, case in point, when the date card indicates dancing Nikki immediately groans and says “I thought I paid my dancing dues in Korea!” On the one hand, yeah that’s negative; on the other hand, if you don’t like dancing, you don’t have to be sunshine and rainbows about having to go dancing.

They meet up at a flower shop to pick out flowers. They are picking out flowers to bring to Camila’s dance recital. That seems…like a big step. Emily Maynard tortured herself over not brining anyone into Ricki’s life. Nikki is not only meeting Camila but also his mom and dad and ALSO CAMILA’S MOM. This seems like the kind of meeting that shouldn’t be televised. Nikki is really nervous. As she should be.

Camila’s mom is a BABE. She is outrageously beautiful. The introductions are fine and kind. Camila is adorable as she sings her solo and does her dance. These kids are precious. But a little too precious. I feel pandered to with their adorableness.

Nikki is really good with Camila when they meet despite Camila’s shyness. Everyone in the family seems genuinely kind to Nikki despite how strange the circumstances are. Ok. I feel good about that you guys. I mean as good as one can feel about a child being put on TV as her dad tromps around the world making out with women left and right all in hopes of finding her a new mom.

The dinner portion of the date is at Marlin’s park which Juan Pablo calls his office. This is, in a sense, true. They play catch on the field and Nikki is in quite the high hemmed, low-cute dress to be tossing a baseball around. I think she brought the dress in expectation of going salsa dancing, so she’s probably a little uncomfortable laying on a picnic blanket in it.

“When it comes to Juan Pablo planning this date for me, he definitely hit a home run,” Nikki admits. The rest of the date goes well. Nothing much to say there.

Wow wow wow we are diving right into Sharleen gathering the women around to explain why she is leaving. They are all like “why are you fancy?” and confused. They really say that! “Why are you fancy?” Let’s all say that to each other sometimes. She doesn’t think it’s fair for her to take a spot of one of the other girls who is sure of the future with Juan Pablo. She’s pretty beat up about it. I feel for her. I do. She is a strong woman though, and will make it through.

She steels herself to knock on the door and then walks right in when he opens the door. As they sit on the couch you can tell that she’s fighting back tears.  She starts to whisper all this stuff and finally manages to get the real issue out “I just don’t that I can get to the place that I’m supposed to be at in three weeks time.” She continues to whisper about things she’s already told us about being unsure and taking another girl's spot etc, etc.

Juan Pablo says he understands. But does he?! Does he? Because he does that thing AGAIN where he demands that she look at him and then also demands that she not cry. “Hey don’t cry. Don’t cry because of me. Don’t cry because of me because that make me upset at you,” he says. OH really? How comforting. Thank you for instructing me on how to process my emotions and GUILT TRIPPING me into not crying. Let the woman cry, Juan Pablo GOD.

“Even though it’s not easy, you got to know yourself better,” he tells her. Now that is actually a good sentiment. “You didn’t waste my time at all…If you did not come here, I would not meet you, and I would not see how wonderful you are.” Ok we’re doing better here. He seems like an actually nice guy. “The only thing that pisses me off is that you didn’t sing enough for me,” he jokes. And they laugh. And then she leaves. It’s sad.

Juan Pablo cries to camera as he tells Sharleen how much he appreciates her being honest and courageous and a strong woman. It’s the first time all season I’ve actually really liked him.

But the Group Date and show must go on for Chelsie, Andi, Clare, and Renee. What sets the group date apart from the one-on-one is that on this date there will be a rose given out that guarantees a hometown date. Everyone’s hackles immediately go up. They want to take Juan Pablo to their hometowns!

The girls hop into a sea plane to have a day at a private beach. I think it’s the same private beach from Sharleen’s date. I mean a private beach is a private beach but no one wants sloppy private beach seconds, right?

Chelsie shares some alone time first. Her mom sent her off to the show with a stack of letters, so she shares some of them with JP. She is so bright and fun. You can tell he likes that about her, but is it enough? They seem to have the least advanced relationship out of all the other women.

Then Andi starts to cry immediately upon sitting down with Juan Pablo. He clicks his tongue at her before hugging her to make her feel better? Like she’s a dog during a thunderstorm? She’s just worried about him meeting her family.  He calms her down right quick with some kisses and platitudes. What a guy.

Clare is obviously at about a 13. On a beach. If you can’t keep your energy below a ten on a beach where can you be chill?! WHERE, CLARE?! She is putting a lot of pressure on herself, and so of course she cries when talking to Juan Pablo about her family. She brings up the Dead Dad DVD again. I’m so, so worried about her showing him that DVD and then him dumping her. I can just sense this all happening.

Then the rain sets in, and the big reveal of the date rose. It goes to Andi. I’m excited. Even though Andi has faded from my favorite, I like her for Juan Pablo right now. Clare is furious. She just doesn’t understand why she’s even there when he’s going on dates with all these other women. CLARE. YOU HAD A DATE LAST WEEK. ARE YOU SO QUICK TO FORGET? Clare makes me really caps-y. This episode makes me really caps-y.

Anyways, now Andi gets to go on a special one-on-one in South Beach with Juan Pablo. They are going to have a dance concert with Romeo Santos. They start dancing on stage in front of everyone. Andi is really bad at dancing. Also I’m worried about her right boob popping out of her dress the whole time.

But dun dun DUNNNN back from the group date, Clare is still having a hissy fit back at the suite. “I wanna hang out with Nikki like I wanna get stung by a jelly fish,” Clare says. She’s feeling feisty and is not hiding her disdain for Nikki one little bit. So Nikki calls her out. And the gloves come off. Chelsie and Renee are caught in the middle feeling suuuuper awkward. Nikki, wisely, walks away to pull herself out of a dramatic situation.

So Clare decides that this is the final straw and she shall finally confront Nikki for being a bitch! Nikki is taken aback. Let’s also start this whole portion of the recap by saying I’m Team Nikki. I think she seems pretty normal, and maybe I’m not around her like the other women are, but I don’t think she’s a “mean girl” or a “bitch” at all.

Clare is being super combative and Nikki is trying to actually talk things through. But Clare is out for blood and Nikki finally cuts it off by saying “Clare, I don’t like you. We’re never going to be friends, so you can just excuse yourself from my room”. Clare no likey. Clare begins to have an argument about semantics that this room is NOT Nikki’s room that it’s EVERYONE’S suite and because Nikki didn’t pay for it, it’s not her room. Which is so childish and stupid I can barely believe it’s happening. No, Nikki didn’t pay for the room CLARE, but she’s allowed to have personal space.

Clare finally excuses herself by saying “you’re a piece of work Nikki” and Clare responds with “and you’re f***ing crazy”. Nikki ends it by telling us that Clare, like a dog, “marked a piece of territory that might not be hers.” Which is kind of a mean girl thing to say, but I really don’t like Clare and even though Nikki is kind of “whatever” to me, I’m on her side with this. Clare needs a Xanax, like, yesterday.

Everyone besides Andi is incredibly nervous. Nikki is making things more awkward than they need to be by being stand offish. She could make things easier on herself I think. She and Clare sit in complete silence at one point. You could cut the tension with a butter knife. Then Andi joins. And Renee joins. And the silence continues. Renee is feeling the tension. Renee! Queen of conflict resolution and good feelings Renee is having issues.

But blessedly, Chris Harrison arrives to pull Juan Pablo away and get this rose ceremony show on the road.

Quick sidebar: Are Clare’s boobs fake? They seem huge but are always separate and never fully “cleaved” together? Does that mean they are fake or so real that she lets them be naturally weird?

Ok! First rose goes to: Nikki (duh, she knew it all along), then Clare (because drama), and now the last rose is between Renee and Chelsie. Please God, let it be Renee. Nothing against you as a person Chels, you’re really sweet, but Renee is the best. And it is! It is Renee! Thank goodness. Even though I’m starting to think Renee might be too good for Juan Pablo, she deserves to make it farther in this competition.

Chelsie tears up and Juan Pablo starts to cry. It’s very emotional. Hey JuanPa, what if I told you you aren’t allowed to cry right now?! How would that feel?! He pulls Chelsie away to give her a more formal goodbye. But Chelsie continues to be her positive, wonderful self by saying that he’s wonderful and how she wants them both to have the best match out there. She waits until the fateful limo to fully break down. And then Juan Pablo cries some more. Yes Juan Pablo. See how good it feels to cry? Let other people have that feeling.

Holy cow, though. Next week is two episodes two nights in a row. We have hometowns right on Monday at the regularly scheduled time, and then on Tuesday we have what promises to be an extremely dramatic fantasy suite episode! Yes! I can’t wait you guys, even though it means double recaps. I’ll see you on Wednesday! And follow me on Twitter @chasspod already; it’ll be fun for us. Besos!

The Bachelor - Episode 6 Recap

"That's what I remember from when I watched the movie! Houses under a hill!"

Welcome back to the World Tour of Love aka Juan Pablo’s Unexpected Journey aka The Bachelor. This week we are in New Zealand, and I am muy, muy excited. To be in the land of Hobbits and Radagast and Ents AND Flight of the Concords?! These women have no idea how lucky they are. Let’s get started.

First off, is New Zealand kidding with us? Is it KIDDING with how amazingly beautiful it is? Juan Pablo arrives at Lake Taupo by sea plane, and the girls are also overjoyed to be in the wonderland of Middle Earth. The suite is so chic and has an infinity pool overlooking a gorgeous river and I CAN’T HANDLE IT. I’VE GOT TO GO.

The first one-on-one date goes to Andi. Once again, one of the front-runners who was starting to get impatient waiting for her time to shine. She’s the last woman there to get a one-on-one. Andi is thrilled and the other girls are thrilled for her, except for Cassandra. Not that Cassandra hates Andi, but she’s starting to feel really homesick. She misses her son a lot. Obviously Renee, the mother superior of this group, is the one who talks it all out with Cassandra and she gets back on track.

Juan Pablo sounds like has a little bit of a sniffle when he tells how great today is going to be with Andi. They climb into a sporty speed boat and tear off down a river and it’s just like the Brandywine. But all of the sudden, it turns into a primordial rainforest with ferns and mosses and drizzling rain. And the boat driver in his precious kiwi accent is like “get out of the boat!” and they put on aqua shoes and go walking down a stony mossy path in the river. It’s freezing. It’s kind of terrifying. I feel like they’re going to get stuck and die.

Andi uses the trusting Juan Pablo through the rocks as a metaphor for a relationship and just letting go and trusting Juan Pablo! Oh but then they find the waterfalls of hot springs! That’s so cool. Let’s go you guys. Let’s quit our jobs and just move to New Zealand.

“It was definitely the most amazing date I’ve ever been on. It was cold. It was hot,” Andi says. Those are the two most important factors in any date: extreme temperature variations. But Andi still feels like they need to have a good evening portion of the date to really connect.

They are at Te Puora which is a geyser and while a picturesque setting to be sure, I don’t imagine it being too pleasant because from what I know of geysers, they smell. Really bad. Sulphur smells like rotting eggs. And geysers are all about the sulphur. But the two love birds don’t seem to mind. Also, why doesn’t my spell check recognize sulphur? It’s an element. A pretty common one. It knows uranium but not sulphur!? DUMB SPELL CHECK.

“Ooo, somebody’s exploding right now. Oh, the big one?” Juan Pablo turns around because the geyser is going off big time. It totally ruins dinner because of the sudden downpour, so they huddle away under a blanket. Now looking on the geysers from afar, they snuggle and have a heart to heart about what everyone talks about on the Bachelor: the future, wanting love, wanting to spend their lives with someone. She gets the rose because why not? They have chemistry, and I still like Andi.

Everyone is gunning for the second one-on-one date, but the group date card arrives first. “Let love roll!” Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Nikki, Kat, and Cassandra are on it. Which means Clare has the one-on-one date. That seems rude and dumb.

But back to the group date at hand, Rotorua is the site and it’s a sweeping landscape, very windy, very pretty. It’s Cassandra’s 22nd birthday, y’all! She’s feeling very positive after her talk with Renee and is hopeful for a fairytale ending.

“This is my favorite place I’ve ever been. It reminds me, kind of, of Ohio, except we don’t have hills,” Chelsie tells JP. Which…where do I start Chelsie? That’s just NONSENSE. Regardless, after their little picnic they get to the crest of a hill and see the “oggo” run. It’s that thing you’ve probably seen before where people climb into giant, clear, inflatable balls and go rolling down hills. In this case they make them get into bathing suits and hop in a hot tub first, presumably to slick them down a bit so they don’t tear their flesh as they roll.

Everyone has so much fun and Nikki even manages to make-out with him in the “oggo”. It does look pretty cool even though when you climb out it looks a lot like a baby being ungracefully born.

Omg. Omg. Omg. OMG. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD THEY ARE HAVING DINNER AT HOBBITON! HOBBITON. THE REAL HOBBITON SET FROM LORD OF THE RINGS AND THE HOBBIT. IT’S SPECTACULAR. IT’S BEAUTIFUL AND I WOULD BE CRYING.

Sharleen is the only one with the appropriate reaction though: “This is so f***ing cool!”

I mean they are basically having dinner at BAG F**KING END.

Renee and JP have some special time first. They snuggle on a little hobbit bench in front of a little hobbit table and they have a little hobbit make-out sesh! Now he and Nikki have alone time on the same little hobbit bench. Nikki takes the opportunity to tell him how she feels, “I’m totally falling for you.” I don’t know, y’all. How weird would it be to have to check in weekly with a guy to say “here are exactly where my emotions for you are at”?

When he and Sharleen settle down, he immediately goes to kiss her and she once again does the weird neck face thing. The producers play some spunky, plucky music because Sharleen is awkward. “This process is a little inorganic for me,” Sharleen blurts out in a much longer word vomit of why she’s doubting what’s happening. And Juan Pablo continues to be the WORST DUDE because he just tells her to shut up and stop doubting herself. I mean on the one hand, yeah I’d want to be comforted but he always does it in this “stop being crazy, woman!” way.

Cassandra and the girls have fun celebrating her birthday, and she is gunning for the rose.  The girls keep calling the rose “the precious” and that rules. Whoever started that (I think Chelsie) gets all of my roses forever.

But then simple Cassandra is up for her time, “Oh that’s what I remember from when I watched the movie! The houses are like under a hill!” Yes Cassandra. That is the only important thing to pull away from Lord of the Rings: houses under hills. Despite not appreciating great film, she just is so excited that there could be a man who is a father figure for her son Trey. She pours her heart out to him about how much she respects him as a dad and she feels ready for love!

But Sharleen gets the date rose, and then JP pulls Cassandra aside for a moment. The other women assume it’s to tell her happy birthday. But no…it’s not. “You’re one of my special ones, you know that,” he starts. He hems and haws around the point but finally tells her that he’s going to send her home to her son because the feeling just isn’t there. She is incredibly gracious and says she’s disappointed. So he tells her NOT TO BE DISAPPOINTED. DUDE. LET PEOPLE FEEL THE FEELINGS THEY FEEL. THEY ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL FEELINGS.

He sends her home with a hug and some secret words. Poor thing. She’s so wee. And on her birthday??? Worst birthday ever. The producers overlay a truly depressing song to fit the mood in the New Zealand rain.

Oh but the bright side is that there’s a Hobbiton cat that’s lounging next to Chelsie when JP comes back in from the rain!

Now, now, now let’s get to the juicy stuff: Clare’s one-on-one date. Tensions ran pretty high in Vietnam after that little ocean fling, so I expect a high volume of drama today. Clare is expecting an apology for the way he behaved, but I’m not so sure she needs one. I don’t know.  He kicks right off by acknowledging the tension from the week before. He does apologize for being kind of harsh and making a mistake and misleading her. They make progress, but honestly I don’t give a hot shit about any of this. Clare is annoying and stupid and the ocean thing is a NON-ISSUE.

What is great though is the backdrop of their picnic. You know at the end of the Fellowship when the uruk-hai over take them and Aragorn realizes Frodo has to go it alone to Mordor and so Frodo pushes off his little boat into a river with a rocky shore? It’s like the river with the rocky shore and perfectly clear blue water.  But in this case there are no uruk-hai to carry Clare away and make her stop being on my TV. My kingdom for an uruk-hai.

Juan Pablo makes her promise not to cry because of him anymore. Again with the controlling of feelings? What is that? Is that thinly-veiled machismo? I don’t like it.

At dinner it’s more of the same conversation. I’m so bored. They change into sweats just to keep it so, so chill and cool and casual. JP is beyond horny for Clare. She gets the rose despite being incredibly annoying. But I’m starting to hate Juan Pablo too, so they’ll be perfect together.

The cocktail party and rose ceremony are taking place at an incredible sheep farm that I’ve decided is Rohan.  Our beloved host Chris Harrison finally gets to have a fireside chat with Juan Pablo! Chrarrison, please, please you rational man, help this fool of a Took.

The women are very quiet and tense at the cocktail party. There are three women with roses already, and Cassandra has already gone home, so that leaves three roses and four ladies. Everyone is freaking out.  Each of the women has good time to talk to Juan Pablo and make sure he knows where they are at emotionally. More than ever this season it feels like a harem/sultan situation.

Andi, Sharleen, and Clare all have roses and Juan is emotional before the rose ceremony officially begins. He calls Nikki first because she’s one of his top favorites; Renee is next because he likes her a lot too and darn it, so do we; and the final rose goes to…….Chelsie. Good. Very good. It was time for Kat to go home. Their relationship was not progressing despite how much she loved telling Juan Pablo about her alcoholic father. You’ll land on your feet Kat.

But after Kat leaves, Sharleen starts to have doubts about still being there. Well, I guess she’s had the doubts from the beginning but starts to really voice them here in Rohan. She feels “guilty in a way” because other girls might actually have a better relationship with him. As next week in Miami comes, she’s giving him one more week, one more chance and if she doesn’t feel it, she’ll go home.

What a cool ultimatum! That makes things interesting for sure!  I can’t wait. As you well know by now, recaps up on Wednesday, and I’m over on twitter @chasspod losing my mind about the Olympics until then. Love and many a wonderful, unexpected journey to you all!

The Bachelor - Episode 5 Recap

"Either I live or I die or I poop my pants"

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! HELLO!!! I may be two days late but I PROMISE not to be a dollar short. It’s been a bizarre week of my life, but I think things in Vietnam will prove to be even stranger. And we’ve also been promised some saucy pushing of the limits by some of the contestants to which I say: LET US SAUCE AWAY!

Juan Pablo is rightly stunned by the dynamic beauty of Vietnam. I think I know what you’re wondering though, “Will someone say ‘Good morning Vietnam’?”. YOU GUYS. YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT. SOMEONE DOES. IT’S CLARE. Let’s be real for one second though: I would kill to be staying in that suite, in that hotel, in Vietnam. Tengo celos, my friends.

Renee gets the first one-on-Juan. Thank God. It’s been a long time coming for Renee who has quickly become not only a front-runner but a fan-favorite.  She is full-cylinders, gunning for a kiss today.

“I can’t wait to make her enjoy the day and meet the world and see a different culture and eat some weird stuff,” Juan Pablo tells us about his excitement for the date with Renee today. I mean how magnificent is that run-on sentence?  Juan Pablo does get all serious for a second and say he really likes that Renee is also a single-parent and is the same age as him. At least the man has a tiny bit of sense.

Juan Pablo drives a pedi-cab over to a dress shop where they will have a tailor made dress fashioned for Renee out of beautiful silk. I mean wow. I want a tailor-made silk dress. Renee is so sweet and so kind. The two of them do have a very natural chemistry I have to say. They wander about the streets and eat fruits and buy their kids souvenirs and buy flowers. They are just very at ease together.  I don’t know, guys, maybe these two have a chance? I was worried she was going to be too platonic, but maybe not?

Night has fallen and the beautiful lights on the river are lit. Renee emerges in her custom dress of this rich purple and blue pattern. It’s beautiful.

“She looks good on those dress!” salivates Juan Pablo. Although not quite in the cartoon wolf way he salivates over say, a Kat or a Clare.

They talk about her ex-husband/baby-daddy at dinner. “I see her and I see myself,” admits Juan Pablo. I DON’T KNOW GUYS, HE SEEMS LIKE HE ACTUALLY REALLY LIKES HER. I feel like he has a more physical connection with some of the other women, but I think JuanPa knows, deep in his corazon, that Renee is a person he could be with as another human person.

Totes obvi Renee gets the rose. And then an amazing thing happens. They walk down to the river and they get to make a wish on tiny paper lanterns that they set afloat. Renee wishes for a kiss because she is like a dog with a bone with getting her lips on his lips. But no dice, Renee. Juan Pablo wants to be respectful of your son, so with you he’s taking things slow.

After that little aperitif, we move onto the meat and potatoes of the episode: the big group date. “Can you go with the flow?” reads the date card. Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelly, Ali, Danielle and Andi who is pissed about being on a group date once again, are all ready to explore. I really hope that it becomes a dissent into madness in the style of Hearts of Darkness. I would love to see Clare sitting on a bamboo throne professing her triumph over these mortal women a la Dennis Hopper. THE HORROR!

But enough of my fever jungle dreams! They are actually going boating in these adorable circular bamboo boats. Think of it as a semi-spherical canoe. They pair up ,and would you believe it? Clare elbows her way into being paired with Juan Pablo.

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. I love and cherish you. “Clare doesn’t have any friends in the house, so when Juan Pablo says pair up, everyone has a friend…but Clare. For the first time in history having no friends works to your advantage.” IT’S LIKE SHE’S DOING MY JOB FOR ME!

Of course JP and Clare immediately get stuck and Juan Pablo steals a kiss. So, that seems inconsistent. I think his idea at this point is that he can kiss the women he’s already kissed as much as he wants, but no new women will be kissed. It’s a very exclusive club troubled by severely flawed logic. Your daughter won’t care how many women you kissed, but she will care WHICH women you kissed and how much and how many other women it was in front of.

And of course, all the women see him kiss Clare. The general consensus is that it is eight women are along for the ride of Clare and Juan Pablo’s one-on-one. Chelsie agrees by describing how romantic her morning with her friend Ali has been.

After shoring up, they wander onto a farm where they are each given a traditional straw hat (Yup, it’s that one you’re trying to make yourself not think of because you’re worried it’s racist – it’s that hat), and a knife and a basket. They are taken out into the fields where they are helping to pick the produce for their dinner.

Cassandra, bless her simple heart, looks hilarious in the hat and is telling us all about the farm and how everyone works together in one big community and that “I was telling the other girls that we should have this in America”. And I don’t know. It might be the hat, or her simple voice paired with a sweet smile, or the bizarre yet earnest intonation of her words, but I laugh about that, all alone on my couch, for a good thirty seconds.

Then Andi has a little temper tantrum on the commune and Juan Pablo sooths her WHILE WEARING THE HAT. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE FACT THAT ALL THESE GENUINE MOMENTS ARE HAPPENING IN THESE HATS.

After the day’s work, they sit down to a huge, beautiful feast. I mean it is traditional Vietnamese food cooked fresh from the field! I want that! The consensus continues to be that Clare is the worst.

“Clare knows what she wants and she’s here to get it. And that’s Juan Pablo,” Kelly says. “And can we hate her for that?...Well I mean, we can.” KELLY YOU ARE AN AMAZING, SPECIAL FLOWER! DON’T LET ANYONE TAKE YOUR SPARKLE!

At the cocktail party, everyone has exotic looking cocktails with what I swear is an entire Granny Smith apple carved on top. Clare gets pulled away first with Juan Pablo which sets the girls’ hackles on high. Everyone is like, “Welp, seems about right.”

Oh hey, Danielle is still there. Just a reminder because they don’t let her talk.

Juan Pablo now brings Clare up to see his suite. Why? Why? Why? ¿Por qué? They have solo swim time and are getting pretty handsy and kissy-kissy. Clare is nothing but completely proud of herself in all her interviews. I hate Clare -The end, by Cassie Niespo.

How long are they gone? They must be gone forever, but we don’t see the girls’ reaction on their return because we immediately see Sharleen’s alone time with Juan. They sit on the beach and cuddle.  “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears,” says Sharleen, which is a cute/weird take on the “bagel on a plate full of onion rolls” line from Funny Girl.

Andi is still questioning what’s happening between her and JP. She talks about it again with him during her time. They cuddle on the beach and end up making out. She really wants the rose and frankly, I think she deserves it.

Clare gets the date rose though because Juan Pablo is at least consistent in his horn-dog, sexually clouded judgement.

As the girls get back from their date, Clare decides she doesn’t want the night to end AND that she wants to swim in a warm ocean! I think that’s what we’re calling sex now! Swimming in a warm ocean! So she sneaks off back to JP’s suite, and he’s like, “Yeah let’s do it” because penis.

Clare describes the ocean as “waves of hot, warm bath water” which sounds so, so romantic: hot, warm bath water. They get pretty hot and heavy in the water and probably do some stuff under the water we don’t get to see. More on that later…

…Because now it’s time for potential mean-girl Nikki to get her one-on-Juan date! Nikki is wearing an impossibly stupid sparkly headband across her forehead. Can you imagine how irritating that would be when you’re sweating profusely in the jungles of Vietnam?

They walk through a beautiful, jungle mountain path. It’s amazing. And then they get to the surprise. And the surprise is yet another Fear Factor challenge. They are repelling down a giant hole in the ground into complete blackness to explore a cave. It’s so deep and so dark that they can’t see the bottom. Nikki is freaking out AND RIGHTLY SO. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HAD TO TYPE THOSE WORDS RE: DATES ON THIS SHOW? WHY DO WE KEEP FRIGHTENING WOMEN INTO LOVE ALL FOR THE SAKE OF A STRAINED METAPHOR ABOUT LOVE AND TRUST AND RELATIONSHIPS???

“Either I live or I die or I poop my pants,” Nikki confesses. Yup. That about sums it up. I like her for that for about one minute until she makes another metaphor about falling and trust and love. SHOW DON’T TELL, NIKKI. Show don’t tell.

She has a genuinely difficult time going down the cave, so when they are stopped to catch their breath, Juan Pablo kisses her. And that, allegedly, gives her the strength to keep going. How splendid. His kisses are magical and medicinal.

Oh also I forgot to mention the cave is called “Hell”. How playful!

At night they have dinner in another tricked out cave. He touches her hair and her left ear a lot. They talk about how she is not a morning person and that it’s good to admit faults so you seem more realistic. Sure. True, true.

“Every day I’m helping people, but when I look back, I realize they are helping me too,” Nikki tells Juan Pablo in what I’m sure she thinks is an incredibly vulnerable and wise moment. I again laugh for an extended period of time.

She gets the rose.

The rose ceremony tonight is from another world of beauty. The women arrive by barge in their lovely dresses to a lantern lit oasis on the river. But things will not stay so Eden-esque forever. Three women are going home tonight, and you can see the tension in the room rise to threat level midnight© at the announcement.

As he sneaks each woman off one by one he gives us the run down on how and why he likes them. When it comes to Renee’s time, they talk about her son Ben and how he’s very mature for an 8 year old, and would “not be pissed” at Juan Pablo for kissing her. “So he wouldn’t be pissed at me” he says, and she says, “No! He wouldn’t be pissed at you!” And he KISSES HER. LIKE HE MEANS IT. It’s a good looking kiss, y’all. Renee is on cloud nine. She earned this. I just hope that he understands that their relationship is stronger for it and that kiss was way better because of delayed gratification (Tom Hiddleston and Cookie Monster know what I’m talking about).

And then, oh then, we move on to Clare and the Rising Regret of a Romp in the Raging Ocean. Juan Pablo confronts her and tries his best to express why he’s not feeling the best about their intimate time in the ocean the other night.

“I’m trying to be as fair as possible,” he keeps saying in an attempt to explain that he wants to give everyone equal time to build their relationships. Which, I guess, ok maybe.

“It’s not about fair. It’s about how you feel,” Clare fires back. But this is not the way to sooth JP.

She starts to cry and Juan Pablo tries to have her look at him and look him in the eyes so he tries to turn her head and then he cranes his neck to kind of peer through her hair as she cries.

“Don’t cry anymore, ok? Can you stop crying for me, please? Don’t be stupid. I’m telling you it’s ok. I don’t like it when you don’t look at me.”

ALL THAT AND MORE HITS FROM THE TOP SELLING RECORDING ARTIST: PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A YOUNG HORRIBLE PARTNER IN LOVE AND LIFE!

Basically what it comes down to is that Juan Pablo would not want his daughter to see what happened between them in the ocean the other night. Again, fair. But also we really didn’t see that much so I feel like he regrets taking it to a place physically that we weren’t necessarily privy to. I don’t know, man! At least you didn’t skinny dip with the show’s greatest villain of all time BEN AND COURTNEY.

Clare feels awful because “all she wanted to do was swim in the ocean” and did not at all want to disrespect the relationship Juan Pablo has with his daughter. I also see her point. Do I like Clare very much? Not at all. Do I think Juan Pablo is slut-shaming her a little bit over virtually nothing? Yes. Not good on you, Juan Pablo. Bad form.

She runs off to a corner of the garden to cry more and he keeps insisting that she look at him. He wants her to delete the conversation from her memory.  “If he didn’t think it was right, he shouldn’t have done it,” she weeps to camera. I mean, yes but also honey you knew you were using your feminine wiles to beguile him. But also no slut shaming? But they just SWAM IN THE OCEAN. WE ARE MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLE HILL HERE. Clare ends by saying an ominous “I don’t know where we go from here.”

But we must inevitably come to the rose ceremony where three women will be sent home. Renee, Clare, and Nikki all have roses from the dates, then he calls out, in order: Sharleen, Cassandra, Chelsie, Kat, and just to make her sweat buckets, he calls Andi last.

That means that Ali and Danielle are going home along with KELLY! THE DOG LOVER AND MY KINDRED SPIRIT! DEAR SWEET KELLY, YOU ALWAYS HAD SUCH AMAZING QUIPS AND SOUNDBYTES FOR US, AND YOUR “TIRED OF IT” EXPRESSION BROUGHT SUCH A LIGHT TO THE SHOW. DON’T LET ANYONE TAKE YOUR SPARKLE, AND I PRAY THAT THEY RESURRECT BACHELOR PAD SOLELY TO GET MORE OF YOUR RAZOR WIT ON MY TELEVISION SCREEN.

Juan Pablo and many of the women cry. It’s an emotional rose ceremony, to be sure. But everyone will have to raise their spirits because next week they are HIKING THE TRAIL TO MORDOR! THAT’S RIGHT! STRAIGHT TO MIDDLE EARTH ITSELF: NEW ZEALAND. LOTS OF CAPS!

So next week we will be posting at our regularly scheduled posting with all new sordid adventures. Are you ready for the number of LOTR/Hobbit jokes I’ll be making? Are you? If not, follow me over on @Chasspod to get acclimated, if you are, then still follow me @chasspod because lots of LOTR jokes happen there.

The Bachelor - Episode 4 Recap

"I threw up in my mouth, but then I swallowed it back down!"

I'm so excited that the international tour has started so earl this season! Join Juan Pablo, the remaining ladies, and my slowly increasing inebriation this week in Seoul, South Korea.

Of course we open on the tender moments shared by Juan Pablo and Camila before they part ways for many moons. Camila is 4.5 and her object permanence in general is not good, so she does not exactly understand what's going on.

When Chris Harrison enters the mansion to tell the ladies they are going to Seoul, they scream and react like the girls on America’s Next Top Model. More than a few ANTM parallels this season.

“Korea?! I don’t even have a kimono!” Clare cries out to the gods, who of course do not hear her prayers because OBVIOUSLY kimonos are from Japan, and while it is geographically near Japan, South Korea has a completely different culture and traditional garb. GOD, CLARE. GET IT TOGETHER. (Sidebar: did a quick Google search and it turns out the Korean traditional garment is called a “hanbok”, is similar in certain ways to the kimono, but still different enough that Clare is an idiot and I win).

They play some pretty generic “Asia” music as JP walks around and talks about how excited he is to be and date somewhere new. The girls arrive and are actually pretty cute walking around smiling so huge to take in the sites. Now when I say their suite is plush, it is PLUSH. Why don’t they focus on how fun it is to be abroad in a plush-ass suite with new friends more?

Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat, and Nikki are on the first of two group dates this week. Nikki is extremely disappointed to be on a group date and not a one-on-one. She is not looking forward to it but at all.

The date is dancing to a popular K-Pop band called 2NE1 (pronounced “twenty-one”). They are Korean mega-stars that we of course have never heard of. The women are wearing athletic gear for this, for dancing is an athletic event. Juan Pablo is wearing a combination of harem pants + hammer pants. Somehow it works.

The queen bee of 2NE1 speaks absolutely perfect English and is really cool. Way cool. Cooler than I will ever be. I’m obsessed with her. Come back and teach me your ways. Everyone takes turns to show off their dance moves, some are better than others. Nikki just does mom-dancing to make up for how bad she is. It works. It’s charming.

Oh my God, Cool Girl is teaching them choreography. I’m so jealous. Kat is up on her high horse because she was a professional dancer and has been dancing forever. She actually says, “I’m the best”. Meanwhile sweet Cassandra is kicking ass because her most recent profession was also NBA Dancer. Kat’s on my last nerve.

Cool Girl and the rest of 2NE1 invite the women to their show that night to not only see the show but also to dance alongside them. That is legitimately pretty cool. Nikki is terrified because she’s not very good.

“I kinda wanna crap my pants. I hope we are performing for the South Korean School of the Blind” admits Nikki. Girl, I appreciate your realness as anyone would be muy nerviosa.

They get to have professional hair and makeup done and very cool, very K-Pop wardrobe that’s all neon and leopard print and sparkles. Nikki is still pissed that she sucks so bad at dancing and has to do this. Have at least a little fun in hair and makeup, Nik?

Now the night of the performance is upon us and, to be fair, it’s actually a mall show. But it is packed to the rafters. Cool Girl is obviously the Beyoncé/Harry Styles of the group because she takes the reins for the audience as well. Cool Girl calls the contestants up onto the stage to begin the routine, and I’m super embarrassed for these girls. It’s a bit of a hot mess: Kat is way too into herself, most of them don’t know the routine well enough, it’s a lot happening.

“If she would rather stay in South Korea and be a backup dancer for 2NE1, I think she should stay here,” Nikki sasses to camera. I love Nikki. Throw that shade girl. We are all thinking it.

After hearing the song a bunch all episode, I finally figure out how on Earth I know a K-pop song by the group 2NE1. It was part of the best routine all season on So You Think You Can Dance courtesy of Mark Kanemura, alien genius and choreographer extraordinaire. Click on this sentence to see the dance that will make you feel like an empowered high priestess from the future.

Back to the date! We are now at an absolutely stunning oasis of traditional Korean architecture where everybody settles in to have alone time with Juan. Kat pulls him aside first and tells JP that she’s not all just “fun and games”, and then shares that her father was an alcoholic his whole life and that he wasn’t a father at all. Thank God! Thank you for that VITAL piece of info which explains 100% of the reason you need constant love and attention and validation especially from men.

Nikki takes the time to shit on Kat a little bit to the other women there. Cassandra is like “no thanks” to drama and cattiness. Elise makes the grave, grave error of making sure that Juan Pablo’s eyes are open to the women still here who might not necessarily be good mothers. Never make the conversation about the other women being not good enough, Elise! That is a rookie move! That is a one-way ticket to the “crazy drama girl” zone and going home!

But in her one-on-one time, Nikki really shines with Juan Pablo. She seems to be very honest about things, and I can understand the difficult time she’s having. If I were around Kat, I would need to blow off steam about it too. But she also needs to be careful to not get the “mean girl” tag on her head.

Nikki gets the second date rose in a row and the other women are not happy. I really like Nikki and I think the other women need to take a step back and just focus on their individual “relationships” with this man.

Sharleen gets the sole (HA) one-on-one and the date card says “Are you my Seoul mate?” The Bachelor and I love word play. We get to watch a deeply unsexy shower with Juan Pablo and a zoom in on what I assume are supposed to be knockout abs. No need to objectify what isn’t even there.  What is interesting about this shower scene is that he reveals that Sharleen has been on his radar since day one and even says outright that she is his “favorite one”. He’s stoked for his date.

Sharleen is nervous but doesn’t know if Juan Pablo is “the one”. She is so stunning. Her eyebrows are just so strong and so, so beautiful on her beautiful face. The couple has fun wandering around a huge Korean market where they try on hanboks (HEY GUYS! THINGS WE LEARNED ABOUT EARLIER!) and eat exotic foods. They move on to a traditional Korean tea house where Juan Pablo asks her all about her singing because he really wants to hear her sing. She’s demure and doesn’t want to. I get it. Opera singing is, by nature, super freaking loud. And whenever anyone tells you to do what you do on the spot it’s uncomfortable. I don’t walk up to you on the street and tell you “do my taxes!” so don’t command me to “tell a joke!” or “sing!” in this instance.

After they have changed into their eveningwear and are in the patio of a temple, Juan Pablo and Sharleen joke around and he kind of pushes her into singing. Finally he closes his eyes so she’s comfortable enough to sing. So she does. And she’s really amazing. And then they kiss because he’s super into her and she’s starting to open up a lot to him. Slowly but surely.

“My skepticism is fading rapidly,” is how Sharleen wraps up how her date with Juan Pablo went. That’s good! I love how she is being how a normal person would be in this. She is so open about not knowing whether or not Juan Pablo is the number one man in the world that she needs to be with forever. That’s normal! That’s how it SHOULD be! I’m Team Sharleen.

But queue the record scratch: Sharleen doesn’t want kids right now. She explains herself very well, and Juan Pablo is very understanding about it all. He really, really likes Sharleen though, so she gets the rose because she’s so different and has class and is so honest. They kiss, and of course we see her tongue. They stretch necks like giraffes across the table to kiss more. These two need to figure out how to kiss each other better.

Ok Group Date time! We have the remaining girls so that’s Renee, Lauren, Ali, Andi, Clare, and Kelly. They meet up with Juan Pablo in the middle of some street. Exploring Seoul with some crazy activities is the crux of the date, so I guess it’ll be vignettes of fun cultural things.

Up first is Karaoke in a private room. They jump around going crazy singing in Korean to random K-Pop songs. Then they do some snacking at a market. Then of course, OF COURSE, there’s a photo booth. Swan paddle boats get involved.

And then, oh then, they get those pedicures where the fish eat the dead skin off your feet. No. No, no. No, no, no, no. They are screaming like the rude Americans they are, and I am almost puking. The fish are all over their feet. I hate it. But this is where we all start to turn on Clare. She is very territorial and possessive of Juan Pablo. You can see the crazy predator look in her eyes when the other girls are talking or sitting next to him.

Back on the streets, Clare insists to Juan Pablo that she won’t eat anything crazy “like octopus”. So obviously the next stop on the “Krazy” train is to a street food vendor who sells octopus. Juan Pablo is in on the joke, and I admire him for forcing an American idiot try something new. Clare puts up the biggest fight, causing a scene amongst all these Koreans. The other women are not having her drama-mama attitude. She finally eats it in the most dramatic way you can imagine.

Ali makes a good point that octopus isn’t even that exotic. “You can get that at any Italian restaurant down the street in Chicago,” she points out. Ali is starting to grow on me. I hope she sticks around for a bit.

For night time, they go to the rooftop garden at the hotel they’re staying in. Kissing Juan Pablo is the topic du jour, and it’s fanning the flames of jealousy. As soon as he pulls Renee away first, the claws are out.

Renee is hoping this will be the perfect time to finally kiss Juan Pablo. I am too because if it doesn’t happen soon, she’s just going to be “the other mom” and a therapist rather than a romantic interest. They end up talking about kissing a lot, but he decides to “take a step back” so he can “set a good example for Camila”. Hmm…

Andi’s time is notable because he mentions how much he likes that she gets his sense of humor and can make him laugh too. Laughter is like, so important y’all. He calls her “bella” and she doesn’t know what that means. And that’s fine. But I still don’t understand how they didn’t tap a SINGLE Spanish major in this entire group. How?!

Lauren, the girl who rode up on the first night on a bike-piano and from whom we haven’t heard much else, is nervous about kissing him. She flat out asks Juan Pablo for a “beso” while they are dancing to no music, and he flat out says no because of Camila. She, of course, cries a little because it’s hard to get rejected to your face unlike the other women he hasn’t kissed because they weren’t so awkward about it, Lauren!

She’s crying in front of Juan Pablo now which is really, really awkward. Juan Pablo is across the board trying to hold back from kissing too any other women, and the other women have now seen the whole drama go down between Lauren and JP. Andi pulls her aside to cheer her up for a little pep talk and she feels better but still feels stupid.

Clare is still on the loose though, and now she’s got her alone time.

“Oh my god! I ate octopus!” she says first. And then, “You know what happened? I threw up in my mouth, but I swallowed it back down!” Romantic!

They talk more about not kissing each other but then Juan Pablo tells us that he is helpless against how sexy she is. I mean, fair, but Clare’s insane, so that’s coloring my view of her beauty. I mean, she is nuts.

In the end, after all that talking about kissing and not kissing, the rose goes to Andi whom he has kissed in the past but did not tonight. He really likes her, and so do I. This bodes well for Andi.

For the Rose Ceremony we are at an opulent Korean temple palace. It is honestly stunning. They lay the women out like a harem on red satin sofas and JP pulls Kelly aside first to talk. I have no idea about their relationship, but I relish Kelly’s candor and wry sense of humor. I need Kelly the “Dog Lover” to stay on this journey. But we don’t see Kelly’s conversation at all.

Clare’s conversation on the other hand we get to hear. She makes some great Miss America speeches about how stepping out of her comfort zone is worth it. And just as Clare starts talking about her dead dad again, Nikki approaches to talk to Juan Pablo despite having a rose. Clare. Is. Pissed. The other women are pissed. Nikki is sowing some bad blood.

Somehow the situation in the house comes up, and all of the sudden Nikki thinks that Clare was telling Juan Pablo that Nikki is causing drama in the house. Then Nikki is upset and then Clare comes to talk to Kelly and Nikki. It’s a lot of nonsense so I’ll boil it down:

Clare tells Nikki that seeing her one way around the women and another way around Juan Pablo is rubbing people the wrong way. Clare tells Nikki that that behavior doesn’t merit a rose so Nikki replies, “Well, you’re not handing out the roses.” So that’s that for now. Of course they will both stay around for a long time, so we need to remember this as the beginning of the feud.

At the end of the night there are roses to hand out. Sharleen, Nikki, and Andi are all safe already. Juan Pablo calls out the names in the following order: Renee, Chelsie, Kelly, Danielle (I, TOO, FORGOT SHE WAS STILL HERE), Cassandra, Ali (who he always calls Alison), Clare, and the final rose goes to Kat. This means poor, awkward Lauren is going home as well as Elise. I told you, Elise. I warned you that bringing up anyone elses shit would get you here and I was right.

Next week they are off to a warmer clime in Vietnam! So now I must leave you until then. Of course you can, and should, find me over on Twitter @chasspod, and new recaps go up every Wednesday. ¡Un besote mis amores!

The Bachelor - Episode 3 Recap

Can you believe we’re only three weeks into Juan Pablo’s journey to love? I can’t. I also can’t believe the recent little homophobic comments he made and subsequently blamed on translation problems. I don’t know man, you can say “Holy moly macaroni” but you’ll chalk the other stuff up to confusion? No te creo, JP, no te creo. In any case, backwards mindsets aside, lets dive in, shall we?

After the tough time she had at the rose ceremony the night before, Cassandra gets the first one-on-Juan date, hand delivered to her by Chrarrison in world’s ugliest color-block shirt. She’s so surprised and elated while the rest of us are like “duh”. Do you think Juan Pablo knows she’s twenty-one or is his judgment clouded by his penis’ reaction to her?

Before the date we get to see Juan Pablo doing some extraordinarily mediocre parenting with Camila and his mom and dad in a park. Camila is being a little brat and does not want to eat chicken. Juan Pablo physically wrangles her into eating it. Then he sends her away and Cassandra arrives.

They hop into a brightly colored jeep that looks like one of the Jurassic Park cars only without a top. As they drive along the water in Long Beach, Cassandra tells us that she hasn’t been on a first date since she was 18 years-old which checks out because she had a kid at 19 and is now 21. But it’s not like it’s some huge, revelatory moment like if she was 30 and hadn’t been on a date in twelve years. She’s a college junior! That is how old she is! Remember yourself as a college junior?!

“Cassandra just loves the water, so I definitely have to give her what she wants,” Juan tells us. Like, ew, man. Gross, dude. Harshing my jam, bro. Please don’t ever say “I have to give her what she wants” as it pertains to water sport or really ever. As Cassandra wildly speculates on what they’ll be doing (Paddleboarding? Canoeing? Yachting? Shut up?), JP pounds the gas and drives straight into the canal. It’s a duck-boat!

“I thought it was a car, but now I’m just thinking this is like from the movies right now,” explains Cassandra who has no idea of what constitutes a car vs. a boat vs. both. Then a saccharine pop song that sounds like it could be on the Princess Diaries 2 soundtrack plays over them jetting around on the water, having a blast.

Meanwhile, back at the mansions, Renee is once again having an intimate chat with one of the other women. Elise is telling her about how her mom wrote a letter to submit Elise to the Bachelor but got so sick that she wasn’t able to send it in. She feels like it was destiny that she found the letter to submit herself for the Bachelor, and that her mom made it all happen.

Before realizing that she’s died though, Renee asks if Elise’s mom is ok now. Elise’s response: “No, she passed away babe.” SHE PASSED AWAY, BABE. She passed away, babe. What is wrong with me, or really the people on this show that they keep making me laugh with the way they explain how their parents have died? First Clare with “there was something wrong with his brain and that something was brain cancer” and now “she passed away, babe”????? Who’s next? Who else would like to tell me “My dog loved to run. He loved to run so much he ran into the street and a car RAN him over”??

Back to the date, the duck-boat-car does pull up to a big yacht where Cassandra and JP have a nice time relaxing and swimming and making out in the water a little. She, of course, says she’s going to just “jump in” with Juan Pablo over a clip of them jumping into the water. Classic.

This date has a third act taking place at Juan Pablo’s bachelor pad where they will cook dinner together and dance in the kitchen. Cassandra has now said “this is my first date in three years” or “first date since I was 18” about six times. I’m not exaggerating. YOU ARE TOO YOUNG FOR THAT TO BE A BIG DEAL. UGGGH. WHILE I WAS TYPING THIS SHE SAID IT AGAIN!

They finish off the date eating chocolate bon-bons by an outdoor fire. Before he hands the rose out, I feel like he might not give it to her. The whole time everyone, even other girls, have been emphasizing to us that if he doesn’t feel there’s a future, he will send Cassandra home to her kid. But she gets the rose. Here are the things Juan Pablo likes about Cassandra: she’s beautiful, she’s funny, she dances. Cool list, bro.

Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Christy, Lucy and Nikki are going on a group date that says “Let’s kick it!” They are obviously playing soccer. Elise is really hoping she gets the one-on-one though, especially because she thinks of Chelsie as a child.

The date is of course, soccer themed, and they are playing some fútbol at the LA Galaxy stadium. Some of the girls, like Alli, are super excited to play alongside JuanPa, and some of the girls, like Kelly, are feeling a little unathletic and nonplussed. I’m with you, Kell.

They practice warm ups and training exercises, and I’m like, ugh, no thanks. I graduated high school solely to be done with gym class. After practice, the girls split into the fabled Red and Blue teams to battle each other. They come out looking intense but have written Juan Pablo’s nae all over their bodies. Ladies, you are all better than writing the same guys name on your bodies.

Even with a game going on, they are not doing the “losing team goes home, winner continues on the date” thing which is such a breath of fresh air. The game gets intense and poor Sharleen is getting hit over and over again in the face, stomach, face, arm, face again! Poor Sharleen. Even JP manages to knock her down.

After the game that it looks like most of the girls actually enjoy, they go change for the dinner portion. They stay at the stadium, so everyone is pulling him aside to different parts of the stadium. Nikki has a great chat, but she’s disappointed and worried that they don’t kiss.

Andi and Juan jump into the concession stand to hang out. They mostly kiss and don’t talk as much. Danielle shares that she was adopted, Lucy and he chat, Christy is there doing something I guess but they have not showed her one single time. I forgot she was there.

Then Sharleen and he set up a little blanket on the field in plain view of all the other lionesses. They both say that the time they share feels “organic”, and honestly I have to agree. She isn’t as Miss America as the other women when they talk, and he is so obviously smitten with her.

Then he moves in to kiss her.

Sharleen retracts her neck and extends her tongue into the kiss. Am I painting enough of the awkward picture? Even when she goes in for the second one, she sticks her tongue into his mouth first and then finishes off with her lips and other face parts. What is this? My roommate did an impression of it, and I have to say it looks a lot like my famous iguana impression that I do while eating lettuce. Sharleen kisses like an iguana eating lettuce. It’s gross.

Even after that very intimate and beautiful moment, Nikki gets the date rose because he likes himself a hot blond. Sharleen and Andi  are none too pleased.

Much to Elise’s shagrin, the one-on-Juan date goes to Chelsie. “I don’t know if having another daughter is what he wants,” she quips. Whatever Elise, relax.

Chelsie is excited for her one-on-Juan date today. Elise is incredibly jealous and thinks Chelsie is like a child and doesn’t deserve to be a single-mom yet. Ok, Elise, put the claws away. The date card said “Do you trust me?” which is a bad sign in terms of signing a safety waiver. But first they just car dance to some fun music and then go to a Venezuelan restaurant. Chelsie is adorable. She reminds me face-wise of a girl I know and I think that’s why I’m in instantly fond of her.

Oh God. Oh no. Oh god oh no. They walk out to the middle of a bridge over a river, and of course Fear Factor Bachelor continues with a tandem bungee jump. Chelsie is freaked out but is doing ok until they get to the platform edge where they need to dive from. And then she has a panic attack. Because it’s TERRIFYING TO JUMP FROM A BRIDGE. Even if you’re a thrill seeker, you can’t denying that jumping from a bridge goes against every instinct that has been bred in us since we first started walking upright. This poor girl. I bet she’s contractually obligated to do it too, just like Andi and that nude photo shoot last week.

Juan Pablo comforts her like he would comfort Camila. He keeps insisting that she looks at him and then he says, “Just do it for me.” And now I’m a screaming rage-ball again. Just like posing nude for an unnamed and rather dubious DOG foundation, I don’t feel like this poor girl needs to bungee jump for a bridge to prove her ability to love and be a good partner. What the hell? What the hell? What the hell is this show? Juan Pablo is insane. I’m almost at my wits end

He does say that whatever she wants to do is ok and if she doesn’t want to do it, she doesn’t have to. I can hear how scared she is, and she sheds a few tears. I appreciate that she is very real in how scared she is to do this. And after saying “just do it for me” Juan Pablo does end up being actually helpful and less coercive.

I guess his calming platitudes work because they do it! They jump! And then they Spiderman kiss hanging upside down! Then both of them use it as a metaphor for love! It IS like jumping off a bridge together!!!!

Oh Chelsie. You are cute as a button and do seem to be quite young, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be sticking around for at least a few of the stops on the upcoming international tour. Oh, oh ok there is still the dinner portion of this date to get through in downtown Pasadena. Oh I thought the date was over. Oh ok. Got it.

Chelsie tells us she’s the black sheep of her family for being a teacher in a family of doctors. The only thing Juan Pablo knows how to talk about is being a single dad though? Chelsie keeps trying to make him talk about himself and he’s like SOY PAPÁ. And then she gets the rose for cuteness and bravery.

Second private concert of the season on only the second week of one-on-Juan dates! Who’s this guy? Some country singer? He’s super hot. He’s wearing a henley. It’s Billy Currington. That’s fine. Billy Currington can stay.

The next day, the day of the cocktail party and rose ceremony, Juan Pablo sneaks into the house to cook traditional Venezuelan “arepas” for everyone. It’s like a deluxe breakfast burrito. Just then, Kelly walks through the kitchen to walk Molly and runs away as quickly as she can to fix her face and put on a bra. One by one, the ladies come downstairs to join JP in the kitchen and just have a chill ass morning. It’s so chill.

It continues to be, like, super chill when JP eschews the cocktail party in favor of a pool party. It’s fun to see which girls hurry to put on makeup and fix their hair along with putting on their bathing suits. But as the previews have shown us, the chill good time vibes are about to go away as tensions rise and everyone turns a shade of jealous green.

Kat immediately puts on the Big Breasted Blonde show for JP and the other girls do not take so kindly to her.

“Juan Pablo’s head was in her crotch for like 20 minutes,” Kelly deadpans in response to them doing chicken fights in the pool.  Kelly has become the absolute number one source of comedic commentary on this show. Who knew? The “Dog Lover” as a professional is astute with an acerbic sense of humor.

Sharleen is really affected by Kat putting on such a show when the cameras are around. When she talks to Juan Pablo about how she’s having a hard time with it, she ends up crying. I feel like its genuine. But then of course he moves in to comfort her, and of course they end up sucking face.  But lo! The other girls can see! And everyone is getting hot and bothered like a pack of hungry lionesses.

Clare especially is having a hard time. Such a hard time in fact that she behaves as Camila would and runs away from everyone else to lock herself in the bathroom. Everyone is throwing the words “process” and “journey” around like hot cakes. Oh WOULD YA LOOK AT THAT! SOMEONE IS IN NEED AND RENEE IS ONCE AGAIN THERE!

She’s such a great person who comforts and helps everyone with a listening ear that I’m beginning to think she’s a therapist the producers brought in as a ringer to help all these women. Outside the bathroom, the other women acknowledge that Clare is a “ticking time bomb” of high strung emotion. They agree with me that Clare is always at a 15 and needs to be at a solid 9 for her own happiness.

Of course the next thing they show is Juan Pablo calming Clare down from her 17.5 temper tantrum of not being able to handle “the process”. JP seems to really like her still, so at this point Clare is Clare’s worst enemy.

Rose ceremony time. Cassandra, Nikki, and Chelsie all have roses from their previous date. Who’s in at the ceremony: Andi, Renee, Kelly, Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Alli, Clare, Lauren, and Danielle.

Wow. With Danielle whom we’ve heard practically nothing from, Juan Pablo sends home Christy the hot mess who never quite got her foundation figured out, and more importantly Lucy! Lucy who kind of grew on me after last episode. I think in the end he probably just realized she wasn’t really ready to be a mother, but Lucy will land on her feet. I have no doubt. Her “best friend Kate Upton” will surely be able to help her get back out there and find love.

Next week begins the international traveling and they are once again taking a tour of Asia. I believe South Korea is up first, and we’ll see how everyone’s nerves do with jet lag and culture shock! Until next time, I’ll be over on twitter @Chasspod and back in your hearts and homes next Wednesday. ¡Besos!

The Bachelor - Episode 2 Recap

"That's what life's about. Straddling people. And Things."

We'll get to that quote a little later, but it was just so beautiful and perfect that I needed it to be emboldened, front and center. I might need it air brushed onto a t-shirt. Let's all remember that lil dollop of wisdom as we continue on this entire "adventure" to find love.

They waste no time jumping to the first one-on-one date with Clare. You remember Clare. She faked a pregnancy to meet the man to whom she wants to show her Dead Dad DVD. Clare is over the moon excited for this date.

“I know it sounds crazy, but this could be my first date with my future husband!” she beams to camera. I need Clare to take it down about 6 notches. She’s at about a 15, and I need her at a solid 9.

Juan Pablo blindfolds her which according to the girls is CRAZY! WILD! SO UNPREDICTABLE! And he whisks her away in his car. They arrive at a spectacular winter wonderland with snow covered pines and twinkling lights. It’s pretty stunning. Clare is giggling and laughing and beaming and squealing. She’s now at about an 18. To see her so excited makes Juan Pablo feel “bedder manna meelion bucks” (better than a million bucks).

They sled! They skate! Clare drops the first “fairy tale” of the season! And Juan Pablo dutifully reminds us that this is also his first ever one-on-one date. All told, it’s a pretty good one. I approve. We’re hearing a lot of very emotional words from Clare, and I’m scared she’s gonna be the psycho who falls in love way too quickly.

“I haven’t felt this alive because of a man in a long, long, long time,” she says. Oh, boy. I’m worried about this. She is near tears 90% of the time. Even when describing the way he “slithers into the spa”. I can’t Clare. I need you at a 9, and you are at a 15 and above at all times.

And you’re even higher than a 15 when you are intimately massaging Juan Pablo while almost crying talking about your Dead Dad. “Unless you’re gonna come in and be like a wonderful positive thing in my life, I will wait forever for that right one.” Um, is that a threat, Clare?

Also all during that, Juan did not pick up on the fact that her dad has died so when he asks about the story of her necklace, she has to talk even more about her Dead Dad. You can see his gears turning so, so fast trying to understand and make her feel comfortable.

“If you had a father that treated you like a princess, you will want a man who treats you like a princess,” Juan Pablo explains. Then he gets the rose to bring to Clare, who is still in the hot tub. “I’m having a very, very much good time with you. It was pretty, pretty much increíble,” are the words he chooses to express himself. I feel it important to tell you that anything I ever transcribe from Juan Pablo is exact because the way he chooses his words is hilarious and amazing.

OH DID YOU THINK THE DATE WAS OVER? NOPE. PRIVATE CONCERT. THERE IS ALWAYS TIME FOR A PRIVATE CONCERT ON THE BACHELOR. THIS ONE IS COURTESY OF JOSH KRAJCIK WHO I GUESS WAS ON THE X FACTOR. THANKS, JOSH!

Once again we’re making a quick transition over to Kat for her one on one date with Juan Pablito. Kat was not very memorable from night one, so I’m interested to see what she’s like other than pretty and blond. She, too, is flipping her lid that she is really going on this date today.

Juan Pablo picks her up at the mansion in his sick ass Tesla (I hope it’s not the kind that spontaneously combusts). The next mode of transportation they take is a private jet! No thank you! That seems way too involved for a single date!

JP excuses himself for a second to get some “soo-price-ess” (surprises) that are clues for the date. While he’s gone, Kat day dreams out the window that perhaps they’re taking a TRANSCONTINENTAL FLIGHT ON A PRIVATE JET THE SIZE OF PICK UP TRUCK. No Kat, you’re not going to Miami. And no Kat, you’re not going to New York City where it’s “kind of private and just the two of you” because that’s also not a thing in addition to a 5+ hour flight.

After a costume change into crazy neon outfits complete with flashing LED lights, they land in Salt Lake City, Utah. As night falls they run down a path that’s lighting up with colors as they go, and the trees are blinking with neon umbrellas stuck in them and they finally reach a screaming crowd because this date is yours and my collective nightmare: a 5K Electric Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Kat and Juan Pablo are the official kick starters of the race, so off they go. I would die. I would literally fake my death in order to get out of going on a five kilometer jog as a first date with a guy. I guess some of you psychos genuinely enjoy jogging and physical fitness, but I swear to the Lord Who Made Me if anyone ever sprung recreational jogging on me I will kill myself or him Amen.

There is electronic music blasting and people are screaming as they run. There are regularly spaced dance breaks. And I guess if I weren’t the kind of indoor-kid troll that I am, I would enjoy that date. And Kat is yet another former NBA dancer in the house so they look like they have fun. And boy can you guys even imagine the number of times they use electricity as a metaphor for love?!?! So many you could fuel a small city with their power HA HA HA.

After the finish line, there is a massive, I’m thinking genuinely about 15,000 people grouped together for a huge dance party that Kat and Juan Pablo basically MC by dancing on stage with the DJ. After once again announcing, “I am having a good time!!!” Juan Pablo picks up the rose and gives it to Kat over the roars of the audience. Good for them. But did they get to know each other enough over the sensual dancing and music? We’ll have to wait and see.

Now for the group date we have Chelsea, Christie, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria and Lucy.

Everyone is the same mixed bag of excitement versus nervous. Lucy is worried about getting his attention without flashing her boobs. Really.

“The date card said ‘Say Cheese’. So, I would assume it’s a photo shoot, but maybe it’s eating cheese. I don’t know. I’m good at either one,” Kelly blankly slurs into camera. That line is hilarious, so you get a pass for dead eyes and “dog lover” as your occupation for now, Kell.

They are, of course, doing a photo shoot, as per Bachelor tradition that the first group date be camera involved (Sean’s romance novel covers, Desiree’s “music” video, etc). A ghoul with an electric blue goatee emerges as the photo shoot’s creative director. I’m pretty sure he’s actually from the Capital. So Caesar Flickerman informs the girls that this will be for charity and they will have special partners. It’s dogs. The special partners are dogs. Everyone is rightly out of their minds with joy upon entering a room full of dogs just waiting to be loved and played with.

Then a nameless leader tells us about how Models for Mutts helps raise awareness of pet adoptions via sexy photo shoots with dogs? This is surely another citizen of the Capital. The other guy she’s with can stay though. He’s actually from a charity called Best Friends Animal Society that is working to get pets adopted while working to make every shelter a no-kill shelter. So he’s fine. Effie Trinket can leave.

This is all too America’s Next Top Model for me. All of the sudden, Caesar Flickerman starts maniacally laughing and saying “Oooh! Oooh!” as he hands Elise and Andi their wardrobe. Which is just a piece of foam core. Yes. It’s a piece of thick card board.

“A photo shoot is not my comfort zone. Being nude is not my comfort zone…I mean I send people to jail every day for a living!” Andi laments to camera. And she’s RIGHT. SHE’S A MOTHER F***ING FEDERAL PROSECUTOR WHO SENDS GANG MEMBERS TO JAIL EVERY DAY. IN ATLANTA. ATLANTA! SHE DOES NOT, FOR ANY TV SHOW, MAN, OR CHARITY, HAVE TO WEAR A PIECE OF CARDBOARD IF SHE DOESN’T WANT TO.

Elise doesn’t have to either, but she quickly trades with Lucy who is more than comfortable wearing no clothes in front of many people. Oh, but I should mention that when Elise tries to talk to Caesar Flickerman about how she’s a first grade teacher and wants to be a good role model he replies, “It’s not about what you are wearing that makes a good role model. It’s about what you are doing for charity. Ok, sweetheart? Thank you so much!” and WALKS THE F*** AWAY. LIKE A CHAUVINISTIC ASS HOLE. If Lucy is comfortable being nude, that’s great. More power to her. But if Elise, in any way, feels that uncomfortable or that this is not a good thing, then fine. She should not have to do it.

The photo shoot starts. There are lifeguards and bikinis and Elise traded nudity for a fire hydrant which she still complains about. Kelly on the other hand is bald and painted like a mangy dog, so she does not have time for Elise. “Are you kidding me? Wear the f***ing fire hydrant and shut the f*** up. Seriously.” Kelly. Stop it. You’re being awesome.

Andi is still freaking out in the background though. Finally, Juan Pablo comes over to help smooth things out. He reassures her that he’s nervous too, but he’s going to be nude right alongside her. When he’s talking to her, it seems like a lot less pressuring and forcing her to do it, and she ends up deciding to do it because it’s for a good cause. “You wanted an ‘aventura’ and you’re definitely getting an ‘aventura’ with this!” she teases him. Andi’s the best, y’all.

Oh and at no point in the entire episode is any screen with additional information on either charity. Seems like a worthy cause to potentially compromise your morals for.

What group date would be complete without a beautiful cocktail party at a roof top pool?

Cassandra pulls Juan Pablo away first and is very nervous to tell him that she has a son. She is a 21 year-old former NBA dancer who has a two year-old son. Huh. Ok. That’s a lot to process. Juan is very taken with her though and called her “elegant and cute” at the photo shoot.

Obviously the talk about her having a kid goes well, and Juan Pablo is even more enamored of her than before. In other mom news, Renee is gunning for a kiss in her quiet time with Juan. It doesn’t happen, but Renee is great. I’m hopeful for her.

Meanwhile, back at the poolside as everyone has had a glass of wine to calm their nerves, Victoria has had several. She’s being a little wackadoo, so Nikki decides to pull her aside and level with her, girl to girl.

“You need to tone it down. I think everyone thinks you’re a little hammered and crazy right now,” whispers Nikki.

“Why? I just got here! I’m not hammered,” slurrrrrs out Victoria.

Smash cut to Victoria rolling around in her interview chair spewing out such beautiful words of wisdom as “If Juan Pablo were mine, I would just straddle him all the time. Because that’s what life’s about: straddling people. And things.” And other hits like “Kelly told me she wants to put a bark collar on me because I’m too loud!” Victoria cray, y’all.

Nikki is up next for one-on-one time. Juan Pablo really likes Nikki and especially likes that she is a hot pediatric nurse. While they are talking though, we are never far from Hurricane Victoria.

“Today I gave Juan Pablo the hymen [SIC] maneuver. I saved his life. I should totally get a rose for that,” Victoria says while pushing her boobs together for the camera. At this point Lucy the Nudist has pointed out that you are acting crazy, and that means it’s time to lock it up.

Things then very quickly go downhill. Victoria runs to find Juan Pablo and sees him talking to Nikki. She then turns and runs away. “Uh-oh, she’s had a little bit a LOT to drink?” Juan Pablo posits. She then runs past all the girls, manages to grab a swim cover up, and flees to the bathroom handicap stall where she locks the door and starts sobbing.

Renee, mother of an 8 year-old boy, saint, and all-around great woman goes to try and comfort her. Renee is so patient and so kind with an unreasonable drunk person who is so drunk at this point, she’s less rational than Renee’s 8 year-old. So determined is Renee to help this girl that she crawls under the bathroom stall door. Victoria basically just wants to go home and keeps saying, “I’m done!”

Then she burst out of the ladies room! She runs straight to the elevator bank but is met head on by none other than Elan Gale. He stops her because she’s not clothed, or shoed, or in any state of mind whatsoever to be on the streets of LA. She just keeps saying, “I’m done! I’m going home!” and Elan Gale keeps saying, “I understand you’re done. You can go home. But I have to get you a plane ticket. I have to get you a taxi cab. I can’t just let you go. It’s for your own safety!”

Victoria is having NONEYA BULLSH*** ELAN GALE! SHE STORMS OFF BACK TO HER HANDICAP STALL OF SOLITUDE TO RIDE OUT THE STORM!

Lucy very sweetly comes to tell JP about the situation with Victoria. I’m starting to like Lucy against every single other instinct I have. When JuanPa tries to go talk to Victoria she just completely shuts him down and is having a temper tantrum. He, very wisely, just walks away.

The date rose ends up going to Kelly for being the best sport of the day having the butt ugliest costume for the photo shoot. Juan Pablo makes the girls promise that Victoria gets home safe so that he can talk to her tomorrow.

Next day: it’s a hotel room. Victoria has stayed there overnight. Juan Pablo arrives to talk things over. She still wears the cover up and swimsuit from the ill-fated night before. Basically she apologizes and tries to be cutesie saying “Welcome to Brazil!” And he’s like “haha no, crazy lady” He actually says, “I’m 32. With a daughter,” and peaces out on her. Good for you Juan Pablo. Ain’t no daddy got time for that.

Alright here’s the quick rose ceremony wrap up because this feels like the longest episode in history:

·         Amy L makes a fool of herself doing a fake news interview with Juan Pablo

·         Sharleen warms up a bit to JP and apologizes for being a weirdo and saying “sir” a lot when she got the first impression rose

·         Cassandra is freaking out because she misses her son and is 21 so can’t process emotions

·         Renee comforts her because Renee is the best

·         Then Juan Pablo comforts her because Juan Pablo really likes Cassandra so she’ll stay for now, but we’ll see how long she can hold up under the pressure of being away from her baby (which is totally fair)

·         Who’s in: Kat, Kelly, Clare (from their dates) Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Danielle, Lucy, Alison, Chelsie, Lauren, and finally Christy whose foundation continues to be two shades darker then her body.

·         Who’s out: Victoria, obviously, Chantel whose fate was sealed when they kept cutting to her for her two cents during the episode, and Amy L our intrepid reporter.

·         What’s next: SO MUCH! So much more drama and romance. See you next week.

·         Twitter: @Chasspod

·         Kisses and hugs

The Bachelor - Episode 1 Recap

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, WELL, WELL, WELL! As faithfully as the seasons change THE BACHELOR is back on TV screens across America, and for the fourth season, I am back to faithfully recap all the shenanigans and minimal romance for you. To those of you returning to me, welcome back! To first time readers, thanks for joining the noble ranks!

I can tell you in post that this premier episode had the highest ratings for The Bachelor in three years. That is thanks, in no small part, to the extensive publicity campaign ABC launched to promote Juan Pablo, going so far as to coin the buzzword “Juan-uary”. It is of course also due to the fact that Juan Pablo Galavis is sexy as all get out and a completely charming Latino-Americano.  But enough of the mechanics, let’s get started with Juan Pablo on his journey to love!

We kick right off with shots of Juan Pablo posing for photographs and jogging with his shirt off as he voices over how great his life is with his daughter, family, and job in Miami but the one thing he’s missing…is LOVE! JP has a beautiful four year old daughter named Camila whom he loves very much, but wants to find a mom for her and start makin’ babies.  “It’s all about destiny…you have to be in the same place at the same time and be of the same mind,” he says about finding love. Cheers to him improving his English.

And now for some sage advice on being El Bachelor, Juan Pablo invites none other than Sean Lowe over to his bachelor pad. After world’s cutest playtime with Camila, the dudes settle in to have some real talk about “the process”. Most notably, Juan Pablo is not too keen on calling it a “journey”, so he and Sean decide together to call it an “adventure”. Adventure is the new journey, y’all!

“What’s your kissing strategy?” Sean asks. Juan Pablo just makes an awkward little face and shrugs. Sean’s advice is to “feel it in the moment” which, sure, but more importantly he warns to not kiss someone in front of the other girls because he got in big trouble for that. Somehow I have a feeling this advice will not be followed to the letter?

We leave our two bro-dudes with a beautiful story of how Sean and Catherine have love that lasts in the real world because one time his dogs got sprayed by a skunk and at 2am, they scrubbed down the dogs in the backyard and all Sean could think was that Catherine is his forever person. OK. THAT’S. NICE. Their wedding is at the end of this month. Hooray Sean and Catherine!

Chris Harrison in his suit and tie is back out in front of that disease ridden, blue-lit mansion!!! I feel so safe here. Let’s stay awhile. Oh we have to meet some of the women first? Ok fine let’s get the crazy train off the rails.

Chelsie, a 24 year old science teacher from Columbus, Ohio, is up first. Chelsie says the main way her family would describe her is “very silly”, which is a great, great quality to highlight in yourself as an adult. Still, Chelsie is pretty cute and is trying to learn Spanish despite saying “ar-mor” instead of “amor” repeatedly.

Renee from Sarasota is paddle boarding into frame now! She’s 32 just like Juan Pablo and has an 8 year old son. She is calm, cool, and collected in her package. I like Renee. We are off to a good start.

Andi is a GANG PROSECUTOR IN ATLANTA, GEORGIA. She is INCREDIBLY beautiful and obviously, incredibly intelligent. I LIKE ANDI. NOBODY F*** WITH ANDI.

Next up we have Amy an incredibly terrifying joy monster who claims to be a message therapist. We see her heavily breathing while kneeling on the buttocks of what we can only hope is one of her clients. She could not be chewing the scenery more and ends the whole thing by falling over in orgasmic pleasure when she says the name “Juan Pablo”. She seems sane.

Nikki does actually seem sane and like a normal human. She’s a 26 year old pediatric nurse who is very pretty and well-spoken. She wants love that lasts forever, can you believe it? Still though, she’s sweet and pretty and a smart nurse.

Lauren H from Oklahoma is “25”, but really I think “35” might be a better guess. She is “incredibly blessed” in her life but her love life is no bueno. Lauren spins us the yarn of how a little over ONE YEAR ago, she MET a man and they got ENGAGED and SIX WEEKS LATER he CALLED HER AT WORK to break off the engagement. I can’t even fathom that timeline y’all. You cannot, cannot, cannot meet someone and get engaged to them and then be dumped by that person with enough time to heal to then go on the Bachelor to find love. Lauren H., you crazy.

Valerie is a 26 year old personal trainer from a farm town who says she’s incredibly competitive in addition to being very, very pretty. Her words, not mine. She also calls all the other girls as ugly as goats, but not to worry because ugly people need love too. She seems chill.

Now, at 25 Lacey is the proprietor of an elderly care facility especially those with special needs because that’s the example her family set for her by adopting eight other special needs kids. Are you kidding, Lacey? Are you kidding with the amount of goodness in your heart that you’re putting into the world? This show finds some crazies, but also some real Miss America contenders.

And finally we have Claire who is part Mexican, but is plagued by the death of her father still. “There was something wrong in his brain, and we found out he had brain cancer,” Claire nods to camera. Which…let’s just start by saying that is very sad and I am sorry for her loss but…this is a hilarious way to describe what brain cancer is. ANYHOW, he passed away, but not before making a DVD to Claire’s future husband that remains unwatched until she finds that right man. Ten bucks says that DVD comes out by week three.

Alright! Enough with the video packages! Let’s get those women out on a water soaked stone driveway in front of a mansion embarrassing themselves meeting Juan Pablo! Because of such popular demand, there will be 27 women starting off this season rather than the traditional 25. Cool, I guess?

Amy L., a local news reporter from Florida is out first.  She looks nice in a sparkly red dress. Next is Cassandra who is TWENTY ONE and a former NBA dancer. They share an awkward silence because HER BRAIN IS STILL FORMING BECAUSE SHE’S A CHILD. Christy from Chicago is wearing the white satin prom dress that all the girls in my high school wore to prom in 2006. JP says he is liking this first leemo. Now it’s Christine in a slamming green dress who brings a cute little bracelet for Camila. Ok, here comes Nikki that cute pediatric nurse who is wearing a tight, low cut, low back dress and she is working it. She does a cute bit with a stethoscope for Juan Pablo to hear how fast her heart is beating with excitement. I would say it goes well because when she walks away Juan Pablo bites his hand as if to say “AYAYAY! MUY CALIENTE!”

The next limo pulls up and Juan Pablo whimpers out “they’re screaming…”  Out comes Kat who does a little salsa step with him, and Juan remarks to an off screen producer that she smells really good. And Chantel one of our first women of color is up, who impresses our bachelor with a great pronunciation of his name after belittling him with how to pronounce Chantel. Victoria is Brazilian which is just unfair to the rest of us, but she’s wearing a sparkly yellow tarp for a dress so that levels out the playing field a little.

Oh Christ. We pan up from a pair of bare feet getting out of the limo as we meet Lucy. A 24 year old “Free Spirit” that Juan Pablo remarks is “so cute.” No. Not so cute, Juan Pablo. So horrible. So loathsome. She is wearing one of those stupid flower crowns. I hope she free spirits some water from a hose and gets hepatitis A or whichever one just gives you screaming diarrhea for a month.

I’m quickly assuaged by Danielle’s entrance. She is another woman of color wearing an incredible dress that makes her look like Athena Goddess of War. I will be calling her Athena. She’s a psychiatric nurse. Danielle can stay.

And then a thing happens that I’m not even sure I have the skills to describe to you. A girl struggles up the driveway on what I can only describe as a piano bicycle that she has clearly never ridden/played before. Juan Pablo runs to her aid! Then he runs back to wait for her when she assures him she’s “got it”! Then she pulls up on her piano bike and plays a song that’s a song with notes. She messes up because it’s a PIANO ON A BIKE. She’s a composer who says that she just wanted him to know that music is her passion “musica es mi vida”. KILL ME with all the terrible Spanish happening right out of the gate. She walks away and Juan runs after her into the mansion to learn that her name is Lauren.

Chelsie the cute science teacher gets out next and does a little bit about instead of “doing chemistry” they should make some chemistry of their own. She throws some test tubes in the bushes which is littering and not very environmentally friendly, miss science teacher.

Valerie that snippy personal trainer comes out wearing cowboy boots with her gown to show how down to earth she is. Why do women always do this? Wearing cowboy boots with a gown is ZERO indication of your chill level and very good indicator that everyone should hate you. Elise comes out and she’s a pretty blond but most important is that her hometown is Forty Fort, Pennsylvania. Ashley comes out with a gold star sticker for Juan Pablo because she’s a first grade teacher.

Then we hear some grunting and sighing as Claire struggles out of the limo wearing a lovely pink dress and A FAKE BABY BELLY. OH CLAIRE, YOU SEEMED SO ALMOST NORMAL AND NOW YOU’RE COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR MIND. “HAHAHA I’M PREGNANT JK,” IS, IN MY EXPERIENCE, NOT A GREAT PICKUP LINE. Juan Pablo is trying to be so diplomatic but his internal panic is written on his handsome face. When she asks if he wants to feel she then reveals, “It’s so not real! It’s a little lumpy for a baby, right?!”………………………………………………………………….no.

Back on track we meet Ally, a nanny from Chicago who kicks the soccer ball around. Amy J. the crazy masseur comes out in a gold lamé dress that completely squashes her boobs. But JP seems into it because he whispers “Nos vemos a dentro” as she leaves which means “We’ll see each other inside”.

Renee the single mom comes out next! She’s a star and makes a great first impression. Lauren H. the heartbroken crazy comes out next, and she is a “mineral coordinator” which I know is a real job but sounds super, super fake. How does on coordinate minerals?

Maggie has the thickest little southern accent ever and brings him a fishing hook to show that he’s a good catch. We have Kelly who is preceded by her dog Molly getting out of the limo. Kelly has listed her occupation as “dog lover” which his NOT. A. THING. Lacey the old folks home owner brings him a fake prescription from cupid’s pharmacy. Which Albert and Ethel at the home told her that was a good idea?

Alexis gets out of the limo speaking Spanish at a third grade level. Kylie is a redheaded interior designer in a heinous bubble gum pink pageant dress. Sharleen is stoic but beautiful and she’s an opera singer from Canada who lives in Germany. She makes quite the impression on Juan Pablo. “Sin-gers, I like sin-gers,” he says.

Last but CERTAINLY not least is my top horse in the running ANDI THE FEDERAL PROSECUTOR. She doesn’t do anything crazy but they have good chemistry on first meeting. Go, Andi.

After the quick explanation of the First Impression Rose, Juan Pablo is off to the races inside the house! He is a little overwhelmed by all the beautiful women. “It feels like you are a meat that they gonna eat you,” he says. But don’t worry, he knows what to do. He brings out a little music to have a dance party! And there’s a photo booth! How wacky! He’s just SO wacky and low-key! It’s like a wedding!

Juan Pablo is a people person and he starts right away taking women away to meet them and have one on one time. He is the epitome of charm and diplomacy with these women. While talking to Renee though, he does have a big red lipstick mark on one cheek. Oopsies.

Lucy is a psychopath who should be stopped by any means necessary. She climbs all over him right away and stares into his eyes as she says, “Do you get nervous when I get close to you? Don’t be nervous. Be sure.” Which is a thing that normal people and not psychopathic mass murderers say to people upon first meeting them. She points out that she’s not wearing shoes just like a “real hippie”. I’m pretty sure it’s also just like a “real hippie” to be wearing a $1000 gown on a reality dating show but I’m not a “real hippie” like Lucy. Even though Juan Pablo is clearly freaked out by her he’s still the essence of diplomacy by saying, “It’s a little crazy, but it’s the first night so a lot of crazy is going on.”

Smash cut to Amy J. the masseur frolicking Juan Pablo out to a massage table that’s been so graciously set up by the producers on the driveway. Bless them. She is slowly undressing him and talking about essential oils and even though she is creepy, creepy, creeping up and down his body with her hands, he is like “Ok. Yes. Thank you. No no. This is fine. I’m not uncomfortable” even though his eyes scream for mercy.

He continues schmoozing with all the ladies as they collectively lose their shit when Chris Harrison places the First Impression Rose on the table. Everybody wants their time with him, most of all Lauren H. She is already crying because she feels like she can’t get time with Juan Pablo, and she needs love more than anyone else in that room. Lauren H. just needs to take a deep breath and a sip of some brown liquor. She is breathlessly weeping to camera. The first grade teacher ends up pulling her away to calm her down like she would with one of her six year olds.

When Lauren H. finally gets her time with Juan you can tell she’s been crying. She leads the conversation with her broken engagement story, and he’s being so kind to her. That being said, he and I both know that Juan Pablo is not Lauren’s therapist and maybe Lauren should get a therapist.

Sharleen is being stiff and keeps calling Juan Pablo “sir” even though JP is super into her. He says, “We would say in Spanish she has “mundo”, she has “world”. She’s very elegant.” He walks away for a second, and she says, “He’s a good package, but you know, I guess I thought I would feel more of this insta-chemistry than I did.” And then he comes back with the first impression rose! OH GOD. Has anyone ever rejected the first impression rose? Will she? He calls her elegant again “I like the way you are.” And after a long, long pause she finally says, “Sure! Yes. Thank you, sir.” Because Sharleen is elegant and confused about her feelings. I think she should give him a chance because JUAN PABLO.

Other girls are sad and jealous, but the first impression rose is out, and it can’t be taken back. The only thing left is the first official rose ceremony.

He calls out: Claire, Nikki, Renee, Andi, Alli, Chantel, Lauren S, Kelly (and Molly her dog), Cassandra, Danielle, Chelsie. Then he calls out Kat’s name and Kylie smiles and comes sauntering forward as he hurriedly whispers “Kat! Kat!” and we can see a very special part of Kylie’s soul shrivel up and die before our very eyes. “Can you take both of us?” she jokes. But it’s too late. If it had been Kylie too, he would have just rolled with it. But now she’s going to throw up and die.

Back to the roses though: Victoria, Christy, Lucy (who TWIRLS away from him. DIE, LUCY.), Elise, and the final rose goes to Amy L.

That leaves Kylie, Amy J, Ashley, Alexis, Christine, Lacey, Maggie, Valerie, and Lauren H. all eliminated.

“People don’t always feel you the way you feel them,” Amy J cries to camera which I laugh about for approximately three hours because she’s a MASSEUR AND LITERALLY FELT TOO MUCH OF JUAN PABLO. And the other women are sad too.

But no matter! Next week the real fun begins with dates and drama and dresses! I’ll see you next Wednesday for the recap, and until then follow me over on twitter @Chasspod. (All photos care of abc.com; gif care of Yahoo Entertainment)

Henley Monday -

Greetings from deep within the Polar Vortex blanketing half of the continental United States! It might be a windchill of -42 degrees outside, but it is caliente aqui a dentro... Wait... help me, I can't stop speaking random palabras of Spanish. I blame you, JUAN PABLO!!!!!

Yes, that's right. The Bachelor is back as of tonight starring the center of what has been, to my memory, the most incredible and fervent publicity build up for a Bachelor ever. ABC knows they have an Ace here with our favorite former pro-soccer player and single dad Juan Pablo. I know I'll be tuning in tonight with a mug of mulled wine and about thirty blankets. Join me won't you?

And for new and old followers alike, this also means the return of recaps every Wednesday! See you then, y'all! BESOS Y ABRAZOS!

The Bachelor - Finale Recap

Oh. My. Goodness. Here we are. We are here. We have made it. Mere minutes stand between us and knowing who Sean picks to be his wife.

I hope you all at home had your game rules handy because man are we going to need to imbibe to get through this one. We've got family; we've got elephants; we've got tiny river barges; we've got laughter; we've got tears; we've got too much of Sean's tongue; we've got dramaaaaa!

Who's ready? I am!

Chris Harrison welcomes us to the live studio where alongside an audience, we’ll all be tuning into the finale together. He calls it “a historic three-hour finale”, and would we classify this event as historic?

Like a little Teasey McTeaserson Chrarrison informs us that he has late breaking Bachelor news about Sean and his “quest for love that very well could provide one of the most beautiful moments in Bachelor history.” WHAT IS IT, CHRARRISON?! WHAT COULD IT BE!? IS IT A BABY? DID THEY ELOPE? ARE HE AND EMILY BACK TOGETHER? WHAT? WHAT COULD IT BE?

With no further adieu, we jump right into the heart of Thailand and Sean’s quest for everlasting love. Just like Montana, Canada, St. Croix, other places in Thailand, and anywhere he went on Emily’s season, THIS part of Thailand is the most beautiful place Sean has ever seen. Sean has now seen a lot of places, each more superlative than the last most beautiful place he has ever seen.

His family arrives. I forgot that his adorable niece is named Kensington which means she’s going to be horrible when she’s about thirteen. The rest of his very, very, very, very white family arrives. Most importantly his cartoonishly precious dad is there in his glasses and tucked-in polo shirt.

His nephew Smith astutely points out to Sean that “Emily didn’t pick you.” And Sean goes, “No, Emily didn’t pick me. That’s hilarious.” And in that moment Smith learned about “too soon.”

HIS BROTHER-IN-LAW IS A MAJOR BEEF CAKE. Who is this guy?! Show him more! He looks like a sexy Jason Street from Friday Night Lights.

Sean’s mother is skeptical like any reasonable, rational, grounded-in-reality type of mother would be.

Catherine arrives in one of Thailand’s signature monsoons. She, like a reasonable, rational person is nervous to meet her potential future in-laws. Sean’s dad Jay jumps right into some light questions. Jay asks if Catherine played any sports in high school. Jay is so precocious that he is allowed to ask inane and bizarre questions like that. He adores Catherine’s answer that she played football in sixth grade and is besotted with her.

It has got to be six million degrees and 1000% humidity in Thailand, and they are eating on the lanai. Everybody is visibly sweating.

In her sit-down talk with his mother, she is very calm, cool, and collected. It seems like an actual piece of a normal conversation one might have with a future mother-in-law. Catherine talks about Sean like he’s a real person she’s in love with, and not a prince charming who is flawless and full of perfection. I like her so much. His mom wraps it up by calling her a “lovely lady.”

Now it’s time for the Jay Lowe Show! On a gazebo on a pond, Jay has a talk with Catherine about how she believes in the “Bachelor Process” (drink!). Jay smiles and nods along like an enthusiastic baby bird. “I know that we are going to have hardships, but you fight for [love]. And I’m a fighter,” she tells him.

Then he replies with this: “When Shay married Andrew, he became my best friend, and I love him. Ok? And so if it’s you that Sean ends up marrying, you will never have a bigger fan than me. And that’s the truth. I’ll love you like my daughter, and there’s gonna be no holding that back. I’m gonna support you.”

Catherine and I tear up. Those are some lovely, lovely words. A father’s love, man! A father’s love! We all know how challenging her relationship with her father is! What better words could he have said? None! There were none better words than those! Jay Lowe, I love you. You deserve your own show.

You guys if I had known how many shots of people working on rice paddies there would be this episode, I would have included it in the game rules. But I don’t think any of us could’ve anticipated just how many shots of people working on rice paddies there would be.

Lindsay’s chariot pulls up next, and she squeaks out of the van and into the living room of Sean’s waiting family. Linds is OMG so nervous. They talk about feeding monkeys on the beach again just to enrage me. “Oh my God,” Lindsay squeals, “That was like the coolest thing ever.” Everyone has some good giggles.

Jay and Shay (oh no I just noticed that- why rhyming names?) bring up Lindsay’s grand entrance in her wedding dress after too much champagne. Everyone laughs but still gets to gently rib her.

Lindsay sits down first with Jay to have their talk. When he asks the same question he asked Catherine “how do you know when you’re in love for life before you get married?” Lindsay’s response is…lacking, shall we say. She is practically yelling, “I just know! I want to hang out with him! I want to hang out with him for the rest of my life! He just gets me! He is so supportive! He makes me feel beautiful! He’s everything that I’ve been looking for and more!” As true as all of those statements might be, they are just statements. They are just a bunch of true facts about how much Lindsey likes Sean that have nothing to do with being sure about the longevity of the love you share.

Jay tries to get things back on track by asking about how to solve conflicts in marriage, and Lindsay gives a fine, Miss America type answer about compromise and meeting in the middle. He also tells her that they prayed every day of Sean’s life for Sean’s wife, and he says that he’d be happy if his wife turns out to be Lindsey. This is still sweet, but not quite as amazing as what he told Catherine.

She wraps up the talk by asking for Sean’s hand in marriage and BOY do they have a good chuckle over that joke! HOOwee that was a doozy!

Now it’s mom’s turn. They talk about standard things like wanting the same things out of life and being able to talk to each other about everything. Lindsey tears up and gets emotional because she can’t believe this “journey” (drink!) lead her to this place.

They all bid her farewell after Jay makes a joke about them putting the two women to a vote. It’s awkward. Jay is also wearing a neon pink t-shirt under his blue linen button-up.

Sean talks it out with the family. Obviously they are very diplomatic about loving both women and saying the nicest things about both Catherine and Lindsey.

Sean’s smoking’ hot brother-in-law struggles to form a sentence but he’s so hot. He manages to laugh out, “You’ve. Got. Forty-eight hours for a tough. Decision. My friend.” Good for you Andrew.

His mommy finally gets her chance to speak her piece about how nervous and worried she is about Sean proposing to one of these women simply out of pressure, and not out of absolute clarity about who he wants to marry. She is skeptical and firm like a mother. Eventually, she begins to cry. All of the sudden it’s a weird, raw moment. Whenever real emotions are captured on this show, I feel uncomfortable like I shouldn’t be watching it. Sean and his mom take a walk around the pond to get the camera out of her face. “I just want this to end as a good experience for you…you know it doesn’t have to be either one of them. If you can’t decide, maybe that’s your decision.” Wise words.

Baaahahaha for his final date with Lindsay, Sean dons the ugliest turquoise tank top that is way too low-cut for a man. I know it’s boiling degrees outside, but no climate necessitates a tank-top like that. Lindsey’s hair is holding up in that humidity super well though.

They take a raft down the Mekong River that borders both Myanmar and Thailand. “I am so excited to be on this raft with Sean,” Lindsay beams. What a thing to be excited about. All I can think the whole time is how uncomfortable the men paddling and steering the raft must feel watching these two cuddle bugs.

Later on, they talk about their lives a long ways down the road. In an inspired romantic moment Sean declares, “I picture you as a hot old chick.” My heart melts at this declaration.

“After tomorrow there’s only two options for me. I could leave with everything I’ve ever wanted and more, or I could leave with absolutely nothing,” Lindsey tells us before the final dinner portion of their date. That is true. Those are your options. I’m glad you’re realizing that this is a high stakes situation.

They kiss and smack a lot. They tell each other why they like/love each other. Then she busts out a few paper lanterns with wishes like “family” and “happiness” written on them. They light the lanterns and set them off into the sky to eventually start a jungle fire. Just kidding, your wishes will all come true, little angels!

From the pile of infinite v-neck t-shirts wardrobe has provided, Sean selects a purple tee to perfectly match the cute purple top Catherine wears to their final date. They are going to take an elephant ride. This is the coolest thing imaginable and about ten bazillion times cooler than a raft ride on the Mekong River. It is an ELEPHANT for Pete’s sake! Catherine understands how exciting this is. She is a giddy little girl to be going on an elephant ride and rightly so. It’s an ELEPHANT.

They both put on some friggin’ sweet elephant riding pants and climb on board. Catherine gets to direct Bo the elephant, and it is amazing. Sean can’t believe he’s doing another thing he’s only seen in the movies. The movie to which he is obviously referring is the timeless Danny Glover vehicle, “Operation Dumbo Drop”.

Catherine and Sean talk about how fun thinking about their future is but how scary it is too. She wants to imagine the future of engagement parties and joy filled days but doesn’t want to get her hopes up only to be let down. She has a vein of reality flowing through this experience and her emotions.

Because this is the last night they will spend together before the “historic” (LOL) finale, Catherine feels the pressure of the situation to really lay her heart out on the line. She wants to make sure she tells Sean absolutely everything she’s feeling towards him so that she won’t look back and regret for not being open enough.

So to that end, Catherine tells him many things about how much she loves him and how they want the same things like family and a future where things will only get better.

“I just feel, so, a lot,” she says.

“I picture our lives together a lot. I know who you are, and that’s why you’re here,” he responds.

Which are fully fledged sentences and thoughts that two sentient beings can have, right? Totally.

As the two say good-bye for what might be the final time, we silently watch them cling to each other. Catherine tells him she loves him. He puts his big old mitt right on her butt.

She knows he can’t say anything back but is tortured by the fact that she is so far out on a limb! After they walk away the first time, Catherine runs back to say good-bye one more time and sheds a few tears.

“I can’t get anything out of him! Just say something, please!” she begs to the gods. More tears fall as she curls up on her bed in a ball. “I can’t predict what’s gonna happen, and I don’t want to be by myself again.” Again, seeing her crying in the fetal position because she truly doesn’t know if the man she loves loves her back is a rare real moment in the show which makes me uncomfortable.

We pop back in with Chrarrison and the studio audience to check how we are all feeling. We are feeling like we want to just see the rest of the episode, Chris! But fine! Make us talk to these to random audience members who aren’t even funny or wise!

When asked who he will pick Lady in Mint Green says, “My gut says Lindsey, but it could be Catherine!” Which is true! He could pick either Lindsey OR Catherine. Very good point. Lady in Leopard Print says, “It could go either way!” Wow! What a worthwhile assessment from two random female humans!

The final shirtless-shots of Sean stream towards us as Sean gets ready for his final day as the Bachelor. He feels that he could have successful relationships with either woman, but says, “I just woke up this morning and knew there was a woman I couldn’t stand to live without.” So his mind is made up.

“Hey Neil Lane!” Sean casually exclaims when he opens his villa door to find the famed and leather-skinned jeweler at his threshold. He picks out my favorite ring of the ones Neil has brought to Thailand. It’s a treasure.

Lindsey is wearing what could be a beautiful silver halter dress. It’s very, very shiny but does not very much flatter her small chest. Catherine is wearing a column of gold fabric that’s draped across one shoulder. It flatters her figure a bit more, but I’m not wild about either dress.

Lindsey cries because she’s overwhelmed by how perfect this all is and can’t wait to start their lives together. Catherine cries because she knows she loves Sean so much but isn’t sure what the outcome will be. And that, right there, is why I like Catherine better than Lindsey.

Chrarrison makes us talk to Lesley, Sarah, AshLee, and Jackie (?????) before we get to the good stuff. They have nothing important whatsoever to share.

AWWW, YEAH! It’s time! The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Sean walks out to stand on the alter to love they have built upon a sweet a** rice paddy, just like every girl’s dream. Sean is dreading breaking a woman’s heart with no real reason to give. He is already very emotional.

Lindsey walks out of the SUV. “Today is the best day of my life. Today is the day I’m gonna get engaged,” she tells us. Oh no. Oh no, no, no. Look, I might not be her biggest fan, but I do not wish this heartbreak and humiliation on her! I’m also super surprised that I’ve been wrong two seasons in a row.

Sean starts off by telling her she looks beautiful. Then he launches into a speech about how he never saw their relationship coming and how every time he’s with her he’s amazed by her. Lindsey gets tears in her eyes because SHE THINKS SHE’S GETTING ENGAGED. She thinks this is it! It’s not! The “but” is coming! The “but” will come.

The “but” comes. “Lindsey this is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do,” he heavily breathes, “I want so bad to give you my heart, but my heart’s leading me somewhere else.” Watching her face fall as she realizes it isn’t her is really cool. NOT. She lets go of his hands right away.

Remember when they asked Michael Scott on the Office if he’d ever gone hunting? And he responds that he shot a deer in the leg then had to kill it with a shovel? This is exactly like that. Sean won’t shut up. He keeps trying to give her reasons and talk more and more instead of just letting her go.

“Was it me?” she squeaks out. No! It wasn’t you, you beautiful creature! He assures her it wasn’t.

“So, I’m gonna go. ‘Cuz this is my nightmare…I’m happy for you. I’m happy you found love, but I honestly can’t imagine my life without you. That’s something I’m going to have to figure out.”

Then she takes off her stilettos, and walks away. I have never respected her more. I literally give her a round of applause to the TV. But oh no no! Sean can’t effing let it go! He has to let her know one more time how hard this is for HIM. He is crying (which is fair) but it is NOT her job to make him feel better about shattering her world!

Sean sad. Lindsey sad. Everybody sad.

Chrarrison walks up to Sean to console him for a half-second before handing him the infamous letter! The dramatic music starts just as we cut to the studio audience! They are stunned and crazed to find out what in the name of helicopter rides is in that letter!

We come back from the break to find Sean pouring over this letter. I’m sure it’s very difficult for him to read printed text, so we get a voice-over of the contents of the letter.

Guess what guys. Guess what the letter is. It’s just a beautiful letter from Catherine to Sean telling him how she knows she loves him. She knows they can grow old together. It’s so lovely. It’s not overly romantic or wordy. Catherine just says “You have my heart, always” and isn’t that all any of us is looking for? Oh, no. The part of the show where I believe in true love is happening.

The walk from the car to the Rice Paddy of Love is agonizing because somehow wardrobe and production design didn’t discuss that there would be a rickety old plank bridge and a long gravel path in the middle of a jungle to cross in stilettos.

As Sean starts telling Catherine that he wants to spend the rest of his life telling her how beautiful and special she is, Catherine gets a touch of the crazy eyes. I think she’s trying not to cry but she is staring and blinking at him like a bushbaby.

When he goes to get down on one knee she practically seizes. When he asks the final question she replies in a whisper, “Yes! Huhhh!”. She is peeing her pants. I love this about that little weirdo.

They are ecstatic together. She feels so lucky. He feels so lucky. It’s the best day of both of their lives! They get to ride off into the sunset on ANOTHER ELEPHANT. IT’S ANOTHER ELEPHANT YOU GUYS. IT IS THE BEST DAY EVER.

“How cool is this? A proposal on a rice farm!” she coos as they ride off. Yeah, girl, pretty cool.

I will not be recapping the “After the Final Rose” special because it mostly is a recap itself, but I will share some highlights.

Number one is that they trot Lindsey out for a little heart to heart on live television where she keeps asking why and what she did wrong. It is painful and raw, and I hate every minute of it.

They trot Catherine out and they are adorable. She is shy because it’s live television, but it’s obvious they are still very much in love.

Finally, the big announcement that Chris Harrison kept referring to like it was the smoke rising from the Papal chimney, is that Sean and Catherine would like to get married on ABC to share with the whole Bachelor nation! And soon! How nice and frugal of them. And also that is not exactly life altering news, CHRARRISON. I care, but like, not that much.

In just two short months I’ll see you all right back here on Wednesday’s for recaps of the next season of the Bachelorette starring Desiree! I’m so excited and not surprised but still so excited to watch that girl find love! Keep straight on the journey till then, y’all. That’s all she wrote.

PS – THERE WAS NO FINALE MONTAGE SET TO THE SEMINAL HIT “GLORY OF LOVE” BY THE ONE AND ONLY PETER CETERA. I’M ENRAGED. HERE’S A LINK TO THE VIDEO SO YOU CAN LISTEN TO THE SONG AND JUST IMAGINE WHAT THE PRODUCERS FAILED TO DELIVER.

The Official Bachelor Drinking Game

Hello my sweet journeyers! Together, through many trials and tribulations we have made it to this fine day: Bachelor Finale Day. I know you are just as excited as I am to see who our Bachelor Sean Lowe will choose and how it will all go down. Will it be Catherine, the raven haired beauty with a quirky intelligence Sean loves? Or Lindsay, the goofy girl who showed up to meet him wearing a wedding dress? Time will reveal all.

Many of you will be participating in viewing parties surrounded by your best friends, wine, and delicious snacks. A few seasons back, my friends and I put together a little viewing game, and I thought I would only be doing my due diligence in sharing it with you all. Please enjoy responsibly, and I can't wait to share thoughts on Wednesday!

When you see or hear one of the following, take a drink (or if you're underage, eat an m&m):

The word "journey" is used

The word "connection" is used

Someone refers to "the process"

A helicopter ride takes place

Chris Harrison spreads his hands/arms

A date/activity is used as a metaphor for love/relationships

Someone says "picture the rest of my life", "spend the rest of my life", "could envision the rest of my life" or any other "rest of my life" phrases

Sean does a voice over while he walks around somewhere

Sean does a voice over while he stands on a balcony or ledge and stares into the distance

Every time you see Neil Lane and physically cringe at the texture and color of his skin

Someone cries

You audibly groan

The blessed producers cut to a shot of random wildlife

Sean is shirtless

Anything, be it setting or general situation, is referred to as "paradise", "fairytale", or "something out of a dream"

Bonus Full Shot or Handful of Candy: - A cameo is made by a previous contestant on the show to give advice to Sean.

- You shed a singular tear or more during the finale montage set to Peter Cetera's "The Glory of Love"

Cheers and happy viewing!

The Bachelor - Women Tell All Recap

Can you believe we're almost to the bitter end of this season of the Bachelor? I know I can't. But here we sit, ready to hear the women Sean has dumped along his journey dish all their juiciest gossip and share just how hurt they were by that big blond oaf with a baby's brain. 

Hit me with it, Chrarrison!

Chris Harrison walks out to thunderous applause. I’m not kidding it’s like a One Direction concert in there. They scream louder and louder as he suggests things like “Sean!” and “Sean with his shirt off!” They boo terrifically on cue when he says “Tierra!”

Before we get to the dirt, Chrarrison and Sean take us on their adventures of crashing various Bachelor viewing parties in the LA area. We have two hours to kill here people, so buckle up. The first house is full of screaming teenagers who flock to him like he is the Messiah. The rest of the parties are all full of women who scream for him and coo over him.

The big finale of this dog and pony show is Sean bursting into the Delta Gamma sorority house. The girls obviously go insane and as the cameras walk in, this one girl instinctively does that Delta Gamma thing where you crook your arm all weird to make a Gamma, and she literally won’t stop. She just keeps doing that thing and smiling maniacally at the camera. Go hug, Sean sweetie. Put your stupid arm down.

They chant for him to take his shirt off. He obliges. I’m sad about a lot of things.

It is time! The women have all been tromped out in their finery to sit on incredibly uncomfortable stools to give us what we want! I love seeing them after a few months of minimal celebrity because everybody changes their hair a little and they get their makeup done professionally so everyone looks tip top. AshLee got some new extensions and her hair is Connie Britton-glorious.

Notably missing from tonight’s proceedings is Ashley the girl with heinous extensions who sang a song about her momma’s sweet tea for Sean then got kicked off. She is presumably performing her heart out on a cruise ship far, far away.

Without mention of She Who Must Not Be Named, the conversation immediately jumps to discussing She Who Must Not Be Named. “Tierra’s sparkle didn’t sparkle that big,” Lesley says of our favorite little psychopath. Selma agrees that she was just rude and impolite and straight up weird. AshLee is still amazed that they had such a blow out in St. Croix. And Brook the Community Organizer about whom I completely forgot, thinks that the girls are just jealous because they weren’t as smart as You Know Who at coming up with ways to hang out with Sean. Yikes. Nope. That’s definitely not it.

Before we break to commercial, Chrarrison taunts that Tierra is backstage ready to defend herself. They show her wearing a hideous dress and spraying herself with enough perfume to poison a small dog. The proverbial poop is about to hit the fan.

The tension in the room is palpable as Lord Voldemort Tierra comes onto the stage and screen. Her makeup is actually nice and simple, probably to prevent another Polar Bear Plunge mascara disaster. Right off the bat she says how she “lights up in a room” and when she walks into a room she brings such joy with her and is talking very quietly like an un-sub from Criminal Minds who’s been stealing the neighborhood dogs and killing and stuffing them in her basement so she can have a menagerie of friends (I just made that up but it sounds like a great episode).

Chris Harrison does a very good job at interviewing her calmly and without accusation. He poses questions to her like, “But other girls got roses throughout the process and weren’t hated, so why did you feel like the target on your back was so big?” Good questions that she can’t answer without lying her little face off. She truly plays the victim so, so well.

“Even if you’re not trying to make best friends, why not just be friend-ly? Why make it harder on yourself?” Chris asks as the other girls vigorously nod their heads.

Finally, Chrarrison asks the money question: is there anything she regrets or would like to apologize for. You guys won’t believe it. You’ll never guess what she says. She says no. She says there’s nothing to apologize for! The women and the studio audience are positively agog.

So, now the women get to pester Tierra with questions about why she was the way she was. Basically it becomes a pissing contest of who can most accurately pinpoint why she was such a terrible person to be around. Brooke the Community Organizer actually comes up with a really good rebuttal. She wishes that Tierra would stand in her convictions and just stand up that she didn’t want to make friends and was unfriendly, rather than act like an innocent victims of other girls’ pettiness. Holla, Brooke!

Before AshLee can rip her claws into Tierra, Chris breaks us to commercial so he can properly wrangle the conversation about the infamous St. Croix Blow Up. AshLee is miffed. Tierra is blinking like a baby deer. AshLee takes GREAT offense to being called a liar. Tierra thinks she is always wrong and no matter what she does, she’ll be wrong. Well, if the only thing you do is lie and be terrible then yes, you’ll be wrong. But if you take responsibility for your actions and humbly apologize and grow from the experience, then maybe you won’t be so wrong. Selma agrees with me.

Eventually Tierra still doesn’t completely take the blame and admit she did something wrong, but she does apologize.

HOLY CRAP. TIERRA WAS LITTLE MISS NEVADA. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. She’s trying to make her case for the “Tierra you have a sparkle” line, but man does that ever backfire! Um. Hold on. Then Chrarrison points out what I’ve been blind to. Tierra is wearing an enormous diamond ring on her left hand. Sister girl is engaged. TIERRA is ENGAGED. Tierra’s engaged. Tierra has found love. When Chris asks when she got engaged, Tierra responds with “no comment”. Which is dumb. Chris asks again and she says “January”. So that was weird. Everything about her is weird. Oh well. She will plague me never more from this point forward.

Sarah’s time in the hot seat is up. There’s a chance that she could be the next Bachelorette based on her sad story, beautiful personality and face, and the fact that she’s so scared of never finding love. I really, really love this girl. She talks again about how she feels that her whole life has been a series of men telling her that she’s amazing but not right for them. “I think I’m funny, and smart, and I think I’m great!” she says, “And so do we!” someone from the audience shouts. Thunderous applause. Yes, Sarah. So do we.

Chris asks Dez if he can “holla at her for a second” in the hotseat (JK Chris isn’t Dez’s brother). They’re really building Dez up to be the next Bachelorette as she talks about how she just wants to make someone happy and wants the soul-mate level connection her parents have. There are a lot of sympathetic faces nodding along in the audience. She is very open to finding love (like all humans) and is looking forward to bringing the things she learned about herself into her next relationship. Now if I was a betting woman, I would place lots and lots of money on Dez’s horse to be the next Bachelorette.

“And yes! We have bloopers!” Chris exclaims from his mountaintop of glory because nothing and I mean NOTHING in this world could please me more than BLOOPERS FROM THE BACHELOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AshLee gets to come up and give her side of the story in the breakup we all saw go down last week. They get to talking right away about the heated and emotional good-bye, and they pan over the singular guy in the audience! He’s in a sharp oatmeal sweater with big black-frame glasses. I’m very interested in what he’s thinking about while he’s sitting there listening to AshLee talk about her abandonment issues one more time. Is it steak? Is it her tight dress? Is it the unstoppable season the Chicago Blackhawks have been having? Or is it that Ash just really needs to lighten up and find a man who is not on TV to make her happy?

As she watched the show, AshLee says she realized Sean wasn’t quite the man she thought he was, the man she thought was her soul-mate. She says, “I mean, hate me for this, but he kind of acted like a frat boy.” If by frat-boy you mean stringing along several women at once and convincing them all he had feelings for them then dumping them without explanation one-by-one? Then yes, AshLee, a frat boy indeed. And I don’t hate you for it.

I scream a scream of anger and betrayal to the heavens as Sean comes out on stage, for once again the people in make-up have not heeded my cries to darken in Sean’s eyebrows when they put foundation on him for TV appearances! Why!?! Oh WHITHER, YE MAKEUP FIENDS?!

Like any meeting between ex’s, the awkwardness levels in the room are high. Sean says he’s eager to see the women. They, perhaps not so much. AshLee gets to come back on stage to have her talk with Sean! How horrible! He tells her that her new hair color looks beautiful which makes me puke in my mouth! Not the time for platitudes, Sean!

AshLee is not letting him off easy. She is being very pushy and insistent about how Sean never came to check on her. “But Sean you’re a gentleman. You’re supposed to be the man here,” she insists. Sean looks cornered and terrified because we all know he’s never going to be “right” to her.

Then a weird thing happens where Ashlee accuses him of saying that he had absolutely no feelings for the other women. His diplomatic façade kind of falls as he over and over again denies that he said that. “I didn’t say that, and I wouldn’t say that,” he tells her.

That hurt to watch. It was so awkward and painful it hurt me. Oh good and there’s more! AshLee, shocker, can’t let it go. The woman who can’t stop talking for one second about her abandonment issues won’t let something go! Wowzers! She keeps insisting that Sean said he had no feelings for the other women, and he continues to insist he said no such thing.

Moving on, thank goodness, he gets to talk to Dez. It’s very warm and cordial. They actually both seem pretty happy with how things turned out, so hey, it was all for the best. \

OH MY GOOOOSHHADLJFLAKDSJFWJERIOJUWASLFJASL IT’S TIME FOR BLOOPERS! I’VE LITERALLY NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED FOR SOMETHING IN MY LIFE! IT’S A BLOOPER REEL OF THE BACHELOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hijinks ensue.

With a final peek at the season finale coming next week, our penultimate wrap-up must end. Next week we will not only find out who gets to be Sean’s real-life girlfriend for a whole six months, but also who will be our next Bachelorette! I’m so excited, I can hardly breathe. Tell me all about the viewing parties you guys are having! I’ll be posting my official Bachelor Drinking/Eating Game rules for you on Monday so check in!

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

Buckle up everyone! It's going to be a bumpy ride! The final few weeks are often the most wrought with emotion, but also the time when it gets harder and harder to fill a two-hour time slot. So let’s see what happens when the gang goes to Thailand and some “suite” cards are laid on the table.

We arrive in the terribly specific “South of” Thailand where Sean describes it as “something out of a movie”. I assume because he has seen movies with his eyes and probably never read books with his brain to compare the scenery to.

Sean thinks about the week to come as he sits on a boat, then walks across the beach, then does a quick change into a tank top to think about the week as he walks through the hotel, then a rock garden, then while lying in a hammock. Sean thinks about Catherine while sitting in front of a fountain. Sean thinks about AshLee while looking off into the middle distance. Sean thinks about Lindsay while walking across the beach! So much thinking and recapping he has to do! He even has to think about it while going for a dip in the pool!

The name of the place they’re staying is Si Kao, and it’s pronounced Sea Cow and that is HILARIOUS stuff right there. Lindsay comes barreling out of the hotel in five inch platform heels and seafoam skirt. Lindsay is excited to tell Sean at their date tonight that she is “in fact” in love with him. Because falling in love with him is NOT ENOUGH for this show.

They get to walk around a cool, local market. They try all sorts of fruits and treats and see cute clothes. Sean remembers Lindsay saying that she’s up for trying anything, but she won’t eat a bug. So he beelines for the bug stand as soon as he sees it. They try a grub and a grasshopper. She doesn’t like it, but Sean is so brave that she manages to do it for him. Isn’t that sweet and codependent?

“I feel like I’m with my high school sweetheart, and that’s what I’m looking for in a marriage,” Sean tells us of Lindsay. I can’t even start with all the problems. First of all, what? Secondly, like are you trying to get back what you had with your high school sweetheart or? What? Seriously, I don’t get this. What?

They sit on the beach and discuss how good their relationship is. “You’re the best friend that I’ve been looking for,” he tells her. I don’t know why, guys, but I’m calling it right here that Sean picks Lindsay. That’s right. My official prediction is that Sean picks the girl who wore a wedding dress the first night.

As the sun sets over “Yong Ling Beach” or “monkey beach” as the helpful scroll tells us, the happy couple help destroy the delicate ecosystem of Thailand by feeding grapes to the monkeys who live there. The monkeys are cute, but my God, people. This is not the way we’re going to save our planet! Don’t give wild monkeys grapes!!! I just hope you washed your dirty little paws.

We do get some spectacular shots of Sean and Lindsay kissing in the water while a monkey eats some grapes, though. Bless, monkeys and camera people, bless.

Dinner takes place in front of spangley, sparkly, blinking Thai floats and flowers made of petals around their little dais. It’s very beautiful if a little garish, but hey, what’s this show if not a little garish? They continue having fun and just talking about why they like each other. Sean also brings up her moving to Dallas, being engaged, picking out a house. These are specific and serious topics. He likes her big time!

She repeats a few times that she takes this all “very serious” and when it comes to family and love she takes it “very serious”. This woman is a teacher, everyone. This woman who doesn’t understand how to even SPEAK with proper grammar and adverb use could be teaching your children. WOE TO THE FUTURE WHERE GRAPE CRAZED MONKEYS AND INARTICULATE CHILDREN SHALL RULE.

Just as she’s getting the gumption to say the words “I love you” to a man contractually obligated not to say them back, a traditional parade of Thai dancers and musicians trounce out. Lindsay is awestruck and keeps asking how to say “thank you” which I appreciate. I like that she is soaking up the culture and trying very hard to be polite.

The moment of truth arrives! Sean hands Lindsay the fantasy suite card, and she struggles through reading it out loud. Lindsay takes no time in accepting the fantasy suite.  FINALLY, when they get in the suite, she hems and haws and squeaks out that she loves Sean. The music swells. I am underwhelmed.

AshLee is up next. She is positively bursting with joy to be here with the love of her life and can’t stop proclaiming how wonderful he makes her feel. They set sail on a big old boat to get somewhere special. I love boats and taking boat rides so much, y’all. AshLee would be content to be on that boat all day and so would I, girl, so would I. But JUST KIDDING! No more relaxing fun for you. Sean is putting you through yet another Fear Factor of Love and making you relinquish control by having him blindly navigate you through a sea cave to get to a private beach.

Have you guys ever seen the movie “The Beach” with Leonardo Dicaprio and Tilda Swinton? There’s a legend about this pristine beach off the coast of Thailand, and Leo really wants to find it. So they finally find it after many trials and live there in this nutso hippie commune and Tilda Swinton is, shocker, totally bazoo, and everything comes crashing down after there is a shark attack and no one can get the injured parties to help fast enough? Yeah so basically that’s all I was thinking about while they got through the cave and finally to the beach.  It is a terrible movie, and this is an equally terrible thing to do to a girl.

In true Bachelor fashion, both Sean and AshLee manage to make being lost in a pitch black sea cave a metaphor for being in a relationship. “I want to prove to her that I can get her to safety without a problem,” Sean assures us. Yeah, ok, great, good thing you need to constantly prove your manhood.

Over dinner, four blinking boats at harbor watch over their wee beach cabana. They talk about why they like each other and how much AshLee loves him.  When the card is presented, AshLee is hesitant. Sean lays out his intentions to use the time to just be alone and talk with no distractions. She is concerned about how things will be perceived, but she ends up accepting.

In the suite they talk about their relationship and how far they’ve come. AshLee tells him exactly what she wants in an engagement ring which makes me cringe. Don’t jinx yourself, lady. Don’t get too far ahead of him!

Catherine has the final date of the week. She adorably comes running up behind him and adorably surprises him with a kiss hello. They get to go for one long big boat ride! They get to go on one of those fancy Asian boats with the big red sails. Am I painting you a picture with my words?

The first thing we see is Catherine screaming “I’m the queen of the world!” from the bow of the ship. Come on Catherine. You and I both know you’re better than that. But they lay down for some heart to heart and talk about how Catherine is totally herself, weirdness and all, in front of Sean. He kisses her head about four times while she’s talking. He likes her too! She’s so cute I can’t handle it. Damn you, Catherine! Let’s be friends!

They have an actual conversation about their future and where they’re both at in terms of wanting to settle down. I like the two of them together you guys. I don’t want to think Sean’s going to pick Lindsay because I think he should pick Catherine!

“Snorkeling. Is. Awesome,” is all Sean has to say about how awesome snorkeling is. The two of them can’t get over how much they like each other. They kiss in the rain and guess what we see? Way too much of Sean’s tongue, that’s what.

Over dinner, Sean asks her more questions about their future. Catherine gives the textbook answers about marriage and kids. She goes on to explain her hesitations about the fantasy suite, and he reassures her about his “intentions” one more time. She accepts!

Catherine gets the best fantasy suite because hers has a little mini pool for swimming and sexy times. She actually has a nice, sincere moment where she tells him that she’s been a little insecure in her life and that she feels totally comfortable around him. He says, “I’m the lucky one!” That is nice. They have a good time. Catherine says journey.

We are reminded of the fact that this is the point at which Emily sent Sean home last time. Sean feels like he’s resolved as to who he’s sending home, and feels confident all through his conversation with Chrarrison. His baby blues almost tear up even as he talks about sending this “sweet” woman home. But, at the end of the day, Sean does see himself getting down on one knee because he is in love with at least one of the women here.

Chrarrison pulls that same video message crap that they pulled last season. Lindsay, Catherine, and AshLee leave emotional and awkward video messages for Sean about just how much he means to her. It is torture to sit through. Sean tears up at all three, but especially during AshLee’s very emotional proclamation about how together they are whole. He isn’t smiling though. Oh, no. Oh, boy. Things look bad. AshLee looks good though. Her dress is boob-tacular.

Moment of truth. Chrarrison gives a somber speech. Sean gives a somber speech about how blindsided he was when Emily sent him home and how sorry he is to be doing the same to one of these women. The first rose goes out to Lindsay, so AshLee and Catherine must wait in agony to find out if their hearts will be shattered. It’s the longest pause in the history of the Bachelor, but finally, quietly he calls Catherine’s name.

The look on AshLee’s face is one that you might see on a person about to kill or seriously maim another person. She is livid. She silently walks out of the rose ceremony as Lindsay whispers, “she looks pissed”. Sean follows and tries to start giving his speech, but AshLee turns right around and says, “Just stay here,” and keeps walking towards the car.

She eventually relents and lets him explain himself. He seriously looks like he’s going to puke as he tears up and tries to explain what’s going on and does a TERRIBLE job at giving her closure. “I think the world of you,” are some pretty effing hollow words, my man. “This wasn’t some silly game to me,” AshLee spits out in the van, “This wasn’t some joyride about joking and laughter and fun.” I believe her 100%, but I think that might’ve also been part of the problem. It would not kill Ash to lighten up just a little. She turns away from the cameras as the real tears start to flow, and we get a pull-away shot of Sean with his head in his hands.

Well, wasn’t that nice and depressing? Real-live heartbreak piped straight into your living room! No matter! Next week is the Women Tell All, and after this season, it is shaping up to be the most dramatic one ever. I mean we’ve got Tierra, we’ve got Amanda, we’ve got Desiree, we’ve got poor one-armed Sarah who should be my friend! It’s gonna be bad, and it’s gonna be so, so good. See you for the juiciness next week, y’all!