Latest Posts by popculturepolarbear - Page 9

Tomorrow I will be standing up in my best friend's wedding. Tess and I have been best friends since a chance meeting on our way to preschool when we were both three years old, and through thick and thin, have made it to this moment right here. So for the next few hours (before I really need to get my shit together and get to the rehearsal dinner), I'll be posting some of my FAVORITE wedding related clips from film and television.

This first one is from the seminal rom-com "My Best Friend's Wedding". Fitting, huh? It's also special because it's set in Chicago, just like us! And OUR bridesmaids dresses are purple, too! AND the bride is blonde! But that's pretty much where the comparisons end because I'm not going to kiss her and sabotage everything at the 11th hour. Or am I? (I'm not).

Best Part: the lobster claw waving waiters

Everybody Simmer Down About Finnick Odair

As of late, there has been much casting speculation on the hunky star of the Hunger Games' sequels Catching Fire and Mockingjay, Finnick Odair. He is described to be a tall, svelt, blonde with a beguiling smile. With majestic, Norse- deity looks such as these, the internet is twitterpated with who could possibly be cast as the trident-bearing Adonis.

Last week, Entertainment Weekly even published a poll with who people most wanted to see play Finnick.  While the top choice Ryan Kwanten....

...makes sense, and who, like any good Aussie takes to the water like a perfectly sculpted dolphin, he's too old. Kwanten is 35, a young 35 to be sure, but mid-thirties just the same. It's not that I'm ageist, but rather that the casting has stuck fairly close to the ages the Hunger Games kids are supposed to be. Granted, Finnick is supposed to be 24, but still Kwanten might be a bit of a stretch.

Other top choices were Ryan Gosling (absurd), Channing Tatum (in what world?), and Kellan Lutz (nein, danke). The only one that made any sense to me, and who seems to have quite the crazed internet fan-base is Alex Pettyfer.

He, too, makes sense. So pretty. But he does have one major issue. If his performance in Beastly (I CANNOT RECOMMEND THIS FILM HIGHLY ENOUGH) is any indicator, we have no hope of understanding a single word he garbles out while trying to mask his English accent. There were moments in that movie that we rewound multiple times, and between three women, could not decipher any real words he'd said.

What I'm really trying to get at here is that we should stop all this speculation now because we're going to be nothing but disappointed. We are all firmly in different camps and all our selections have their faults. All we're doing is building up resentment and false hopes. I think everyone needs to sit tight and temper expectations until we get the casting announcement.  Put on some One Direction, make some more Peeta and Gale themed "Keep Calm" memes, and relax. Don't set yourself up for disappointment...

...Unless of course you have placed yourself into my camp, which would make you right. Settle in smugly because you know your choice is the best and most apt. Your choice was originally up for the role of Peeta but ultimately lost out to Hutcherson. At first you were like, "How could they possibly?!" but now that Finnick is on the horizon you're all, "Hutcherson was the right choice then; this guy is the right choice now."

Who is it?

Why, it's Hunter Parrish! You may know him from his turn as bad boy Stan in 17 Again, Luke in It's Complicated, or most famously Silas on Weeds. Boy is fine, and what you might not be able to see here is that his mouth is filled with a million, gigantic, shiny white teeth. Is this picture not quite doing it for you? Do you need help completing the image?

Worry not. I've got you covered.

What a dream....

#99 Toy Story - Not Just a Child's Play-thing

It's been just over a month since I had a dinner party at my place for the viewing of the 99th movie on the AFI list. At the rate I'm going, I'll be done with the challenge in...2014...crap...I need to step up my game. But at the risk of sounding despairing, let's just jump right into the run-down on this great American film.

The Good - The Bad - The Reason - The Food

                       The Good:

It's "Toy Story". It's a movie I loved when I was young and have learned to appreciate even more as I've grown up. This is, thanks to the careful crafting of John Lasseter, no accident. It was Pixar's goal when they set out to make a movie that would entertain the kids, but keep the parents happy too.  While this is now the norm, it was really one of the first "kids" movies to cater to both the adults as well as the kids.

It's seriously hilarious. When Buzz gets captured by Sid's little sister and gets all Stockholm-syndromy Mrs. Nesbitt?

              Truly horrifying child-villain Sid was voiced by late-90s teen heartthrob Erik von Detten.

So good.

It's a great story that has universal appeal. I think it's safe to say we all wished out toys would come to life and play along with us. Every single one of my Barbies had a unique name (the villain in the saga was played by a crop-haired fiend named Alanis), and I wished so hard every day that those dolls really came to life. Pixar tapped right into our wildest dreams and made them even cooler than we could have imagined. Best.

The Bad:

I think the bad in this case is more of a reflection on how good CG animation and Pixar has become over the years. The CG in "Toy Story" can at times look current and flawless, but sometimes the early stages of the process show through. There are a couple layers of blockiness they hadn't yet shaved off, and it can look strange. Again, this really reflects more on how far they have come in CG animation.

It's also short. Running at just 77 minutes, the pace moves along at quick a clip and can feel very hurried and a little chaotic. Compare this to "WALL-E" where we spend the first big chunk of the movie with two non-speaking robots, and it's a noticeable difference.

The Reason:

When "Toy Story" came out in 1995, it was the first ever completely CG-animated feature-length film. Now, almost twenty years later, CG-animation has become the absolute norm and it's because of the precedent set by Pixar. And, like I mentioned before, it was one of the very first family films that put jokes and bits in specifically for the parents/adults/older audience members. Just like in "Ben-Hur", I think "Toy Story's" position is based on how many precedents it has set. 

                                          Woody and Buzz Lightyear, voiced by Mayor of Hollywood Tom  Hanks and Michigan-native, Chevy-driving, Campbell’s soup-lover Tim Allen.

There are so many quotable lines that pop-up frequently in our generation. All of Woody's token pull-string phrases get dropped whenever anyone so much as says the word "boot". I dare you to say "Somebody's poisoned THE WATER HOLE!!!" to someone and wait for the inevitable "There's a snake in my boot!" or "Rrrreeeaaach for the skyyyyy"

On an end note, to really get a great idea of the kind of work and time and love went into "Toy Story", I recommend checking out the documentary "The Pixar Story." It's sweet and funny as well as an interesting look at all aspects of their very unique creative process.

The Food!

The obvious choice for the food would have been Pizza Planet pizza, but I didn't feel like slapping together a little 'za. I wanted to make something that would evoke childhood, a simpler time. I wanted the kind of food I would have scarfed down in between the hours of playing with Beanie Babies, Barbies, and Breyer horses (what was my thing about "B" toys?).

                                          This is Tour Guide Barbie from "Toy Story 2". Mattel was hesitant to use Barbie in the first film, unsure of how it would fare in theaters. When it became a huge success, they went in for the 2nd and 3rd.

I went with a six-cheese macaroni and cheese and hot dog casserole. I made a basic white-sauce then added one cup of cheddar, 1/2 cup of smoked cheddar, 1/2 of 4-cheese Italian blend (thanks Kraft!). The bottom of the casserole dish also had some of the Italian blend sprinkled. Mixed in with the cavatappi noodles were Nathan's all-beef hot dogs. Topped off with seasoned breadcrumbs, bacon bits, and parmesan cheese, I popped the dish into the oven until the crust was golden brown and all cheese bubbly.

It.was.so.good. We ate up every last bite.

We took a brief intermission during the movie to eat dessert. I made blonde-brownies following the recipe on the back of Nestle chocolate chips. Then cut them into bars and made ice-cream sandwiches! Delicious and rich and a little difficult to eat.

But it wouldn't feel like childhood if you didn't end up wearing most of your dessert, right?

Tribute Time: Parks and Recreation

I know you've all been dying for me to speak in more hyperbolic terms. So here you go: The greatest show on television right now is not Game of Thrones or Mad Men or even Modern Family. Though, holy crap, I love those shows.

         No, the greatest show on TV is Parks and Recreation. In a vast sea of ensemble mocumentary shows, this one stands out because it's populated with the most likable group of characters in the most likable fictional small town of Pawnee, Indiana. It is an unabashedly happy show without being saccharine or twee.

             If you aren't watching it, you should be. It will do nothing but bring you happiness. If you haven't given yourself this great gift, or you'd like to compare your list to mine, I bring you my top five favorite episodes of the show:

               Season 3; Episode 13 "The Fight" - Things get a little heated while everyone's at the Snakehole Lounge pimping Tom's latest business venture Snake Juice.

Season 4; Episode 6   "The Treaty" - A Model UN conference sets off Ben and Leslie, bringing their internal conflict very, very external.

Season 3; Episode 5   "Media Blitz" To promote the upcoming Harvest Festival (also a great episode) Ben and Leslie set out to talk to local Pawnee media giants, and it turns out Ben is a little camera shy.

Season 3; Episode 2  "Flu Season" A pretty violent strain of flu sweeps through Pawnee and manages to take down even its strongest citizens. Chris (Rob Lowe) is really the star of this one.

Season 2; Episode 9  "The Camel" The whole department sets out to submit a mural, but butt heads when everyone has their own, very personal, idea. It showcases each character perfectly. 

                As a general post-script, this great show is also home to the greatest character ever written for film and television: Jean-Ralphio Saperstein.

Unlikely Loves - Jersey Shore Edition

                         Yesterday I got caught up in a mini-marathon of Pop Up Video (thank Jesus it's back) Jersey Shore. I do not exaggerate when I say it was riveting. Did you know that most of the guys were broke that first summer, and had to actually work at the store to earn money to buy groceries and boardwalk fun times? Ronnie would pick up extra shifts to pay for the extravagant go-karting dates he took Sammi on when their courtship was a mere springtime bud. Oh, the salad days...

Anyways, the whole premise of the show began as: they live in that house in exchange for working at the Shore Store, both owned by the forthright Danny, and MTV films their lives. But what's always been a fuzzy matter for me is, is that house really Danny's? Was this whole plan actually part of what Danny had done in summers past? Or is that the ruse that the producers created to give us something to hold on to as a show?

               Turns out it's all legit. Danny had bought the house years before, ran the store and rented to kids in exchange for pressing t-shirts with witty slogans like "Can you tell your BOOBS to stop staring at my EYES?!" all summer. Sweet deal. Even sweeter when MTV came a-knocking.

You can read a nice little interview about how it all started and how it's been since the show right here: "Take 5 with Danny 'The Boss'" and here: "Danny Merk, Shore Store: The Real-Life Boss from 'Jersey Shore'"

               Another thing that blew my mind is that Danny is the same age as Pauly, making him "allegedly" older than Mike. But if The Situation is truly under 30, then you should also know that this blog has won a Peabody. Regardless, Danny is the same age as those clowns, yet completely has his life together. He was a property owner at 22! He owns his own very lucrative t-shirt and hot-pants business! He's practically a household name!

I love this guy. He seems like a genuinely good dude. That first summer he was a good boss, coming down hard on Angelina (remember how he rode up on his bike to fire her?) and not taking crap from the rest of their sorry butts.

               In the subsequent seasons at the Shore, Danny has taken it in stride that Sitch naps in the backroom and Team Meatballs get day drunk during a shift, because he is not going to look his gift horse in the mouth. The end of this season also showed his lighter side when he brought a friend to help Pauly D. and Vinny pull their greatest prank of flipping the house inside out.

                                              Now, it may be because he is a decidedly atypical denizen of Seaside Heights, and it may be because he's surrounded by gorilla juice-heads, but Danny is not hard on the eyes. I don't think I've ever heard anyone share this, but maybe I need to be the first brave soul to say it.

                     Shore Store Danny is cute! In kind of gaunt and gangly sort of way! It's fine! Whatever! He kind of looks like a blue jay! To each their own! He and Vinny can go on to their post-show relative normalcy together! Fin!

     "Team Meatballs Are the Worst"...such a good sport...

The Agony and the Calumny of Mike Daisey

               This past week, for the first time ever, This American Life issued a retraction. In Episode 454:Mr. Daiseyand the Apple Factory, the public radio show broadcast an adapted version of Mike Daisey's one man stage performanceThe Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs. The show details Daisey's travels to China, specifically to the Foxconn factory in Shenzhen where much of our Apple products are made.

Click here to link to the original podcast.  It is, to date, the most popular episode ever of This American Life. Mike Daisey became famous. He was doing more shows, going on the news, Ira Glass was introducing him at special performances.

                    Which is why last week when Ira and company issued their official retraction, that much of what had been broadcast as true, was actually false, a shock wave rippled out. "This American Life" and "Mike Daisey" and "Ira Glass" were all trending nationally on Twitter. People were pissed off or amazed or smugly admitting they'd thought all along he was full of it.

This past week's show was entirely dedicated to the retraction: how they discovered the falsehoods, what Daisey was thinking, and what they know believe to be true. It's tough to listen to. It's apparent that the ever calm, dulcet voiced host, Ira Glass, is upset.

And I was upset too. It's a strange feeling, that of feeling betrayed by someone you don't know but to whom you have an emotional connection. It's why Oprah went off the rails talking James Frey, I think (which is mentioned in an unexpected way in Retraction). A person makes you feel and emote and opens your eyes to some new part of human existence...and it's all bullsh*t? Well yeah, that's bullsh*t.

                   Some are getting pretty ugly with their commentary on Daisey, and unfortunately TAL is getting some heat too for not committing him to the proper standards of journalistic integrity. But here's my issue: what am I supposed to get out of either of these stories now?

The most emotionally harrowing parts of Daisey's story are lies; he's not owning up to it. Stand still. Daisey is standing by his work which is making him tailspin faster into incredibility. And now the story that could have been a mark for change is in tatters.

I guess what I want is for the crew to do a show on lies. The psychology of liars and what happens when we find out we've been lied to.  What it means to own up to something, and if honesty really is the best policy. That's what I'm grappling with more than workers' rights in China. And I don't think that makes me cruel or apathetic; by Rob Schmitz's account they seem to be alright. But I'm grappling with this man who lied and continues to lie to me and you and Ira and Rob and especially himself.

Boo hiss, Mike Daisey, and shame on you.

PS - If you've never listened to, or even heard of, This American Life these are two great episodes to start with. I recommend them highly. But if you, like me, would prefer to hear stories of a lighter fare, give this favorite episode a try.

#100 Ben-Hur - A Film of Epic Porportions

As the first post for the AFI Challenge, this is a bit of a rough draft for posts down the road. I'm trying to hammer out the formula for these still, but without further ado here is...

The Good - The Bad - The Reason - The Food

                                   The Good:

The genre classification of William Wyler's 1959 classic is "epic", and it lives up to its name.  The film's running time is 3 hours and 42 minutes and spans the course of many years, just like its Greek namesakes. We follow our hero, jewish prince Judah Ben-Hur (Charlton Heston) as he is betrayed, enslaved, rectified and vindicated.  There is Roman indulgence and opulence, there is injustice, there is a slave ship, there is a sea battle, there are sheiks, there is leprosy, there is Jesus Christ, and there is, of course...

               Ben-Hur's horses are genuine Lipizzaners; Messala's have been dyed black.

A CHARIOT RACE! This race is one of the most famous scenes in movie history for good reason. It. Is. Awesome. Once you've reached the intermission and popped in disc two (you read that all correctly), you're a bit weary. You think this movie might never end. So much has happened, but all you can remember is Charlton Heston regularly looking like he's throwing up in his mouth then swallowing the bile back down again. Until! The chariot race. 

It took the team three weeks to film with nine teams of live horses and drivers in the beating Italian sun.  The scene lasts a total of 9 gripping minutes when our hero finally exacts his revenge on Messala (Stephen Boyd), once his closest friend, now his betrayer!

                   Gore Vidal stated that in his (uncredited) over-haul of the screenplay that he wrote in homoerotic subtext to Judah and Messala's relationship. The actors later claimed ignorance, but come on.

Contrary to popular myth, and to the credit of the crew, no one actually died during the chariot race.  The props department made individual jointed and weighted dummies that would perfectly mimic the human body's reaction to be run over by several teams of galloping horses and chariot wheels.

Finally, it's a good story. Like so many stories set in Roman times, we have a man unjustly set into servitude and we get his redemption.  We're rooting for this very toothy, robust, blue-eyed Jew to get back to his mother and sister.

The Bad:

                                       This guy is definitely a Jew and definitely not a gun enthusiast. 

It is long.  It is so long. It is very, very, very long. And for a movie that is just shy of four hours, its pacing is surprisingly off.  One minute we're on a slave ship, then a minute of horses parading later Judah is a Roman statesman, yet another five minutes later he is returning to Jerusalem after years of living it up and racing chariots in Rome. It's jarring. You really have to prepare yourself to take on this endeavor. There's also a love story that is lazily and unnecessarily tossed in. It neither pleases nor sates me.

The Reason:

Ben-Hur is one of two films ever to win 11 academy awards (the other is Titanic). However, it is the most winning film ever at the Academy Awards because back in 1959 there were only 12 categories.  This means Ben-Hur won every, single award except one, best screenplay.  And we thought this year's Grammys were predictable.

It's also a classic in so many ways. It's a tale as old as Rome, told in the Roman fashion. It is classic Hollywood to its core in the lavish set decoration and lengths to achieve authenticity, in its acting and its grandeur. The story's uniqueness comes in that it is at once nothing at all to do with the life of Jesus Christ and everything to do with the life, and death, of Jesus Christ.

                             You probably don't believe me that this is the coolest scene in the movie.

And in, what I'm sure is going to be a common theme during this process, what I might look at as old and hokey, was ground-breaking. It set the standard by which everything from that point on was measured, earning it the #100 spot.

The Food!

For this film, I wanted to make something that embodied the clash of cultures in the story. I finally came up with making a Roman slow-cooked brisket. Brisket is, to me, a strong representative of Jewish food, with any Jew I've ever met claiming his/her mom makes the best (to the mothers' delight, I'm sure).

To showcase the Roman culture crush, I first cooked bacon in my dutch oven, leaving the fat to sear the brisket with. I then made a pretty standard braising base with carrots, celery, onions, red wine, and tomatoes. I then covered the brisket in the partially cooked bacon and nestled it in for 2.5 hours.

Of course, no braise would be complete without bread to sop up all the juices and goodness.  I made a simple garlic parmesan pretzel bread under the broiler.

We ate like the Roman senate, ad nauseum.

AFI Challenge: 1 Year, 100 Movies

In 1997, AFI came out with a list called "100 Years...100 Movies" celebrating and ranking the top 100 American films of all time, but more realistically since film was created. On the tenth anniversary they updated the list to include especially groundbreaking films, like Titanic and Lord of the Rings, that had since been released since.

                             It is considered the definitive and most comprehensive list on the great American films, so of course this means I've seen a paltry 22 out of 100. A whopping five of those that I have seen are in the Top 10, but at the end of the day, I'm derelict in how many of these important films I've seen.

Paired with my great cooking passion, I've taken on the challenge of watching all these 100 movies over the course of one year, and cooking a special dish to go along with each.

Now, it is important to note that I "started" in October with #100 Ben-hur which is 3 hours and 42 minutes, and thusly, took me 4 months to finish. A post detailing the meal and movie will follow shortly, but we're starting the task from when I finished the tale of old Judah Ben-hur on Saturday, February 25, 2012.

Hold me accountable, internet! And check in to see what I've been eating and watching and for regular Polar Bear posts!

I saw this a couple weeks ago, and even then, I was jumping on the Dujardin train a little late.  Now that he's won some much deserved Oscar gold for his role in the Artist, I wanted to make sure everyone else on the train had seen this piece of comedy excellence.

Also, that they've seen this...

...and this, taken shortly after he proclaimed his love for both the American people and our cinnamon rolls.

May his flame be a long burning one.

Oh Sandra...Sandra, Sandra, Sandra Lee. This might be the single worst item of food ever prepared on the Food Network.

Initially I thought my only commentary for this was a hearty "What the F$%&?", but after several viewings, I actually have a lot of words and thoughts in my confused brain about this abomination.

Here are some highlights:

1) What we're making for desert is a Baked Potato Sundae. Again, in case you missed it: a baked potato sundae (no potato involved).

2) For being "super simple" there is a lot of molding and cling wrap wrangling involved.

3) Not once have I ever sat thinking to myself "Huh, that pesky lid to my butter dish is always around with no purpose. Whither shall I make best use of it?" BECAUSE ITS USE IS PRETTY EXPLICIT. IT'S THE LID-TO YOUR BUTTER-DISH- SANDRA.

4) Plain powdered coco has a horrible texture, does not taste great, and coats the inside of your mouth which totally makes it a great candidate for a key desert component, no?

5) "Fancy spray stuff" the fancy stuff...from a can...that sprays...

6) When it's complete, the flavors going into that sundae are as follows: vanilla, raw coco powder, lemon, pistachio.

7) Why? Just...WHY???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNIPqafd4As&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYp-EOiG9VM&feature=related

It's the final Valentine's Day post and I thought I'd make it a bit of a mega mix if you will. In my lengthy research (read: one afternoon) I discovered that Celine Dion's Las Vegas show is the most nonsensical, melodramatic, coco for kookoopops, bald albino clown-starring, sparkly, shiny, billowing piece of performance that ever was or will be. In short: amazing.

So, to close your day, here are some of her finest songs performed in the absolute strangest manner possible: Celine's way. Bless her. May she reign forever. Amen.

PS - I know that last one is ten minutes, but I promise that the jaw-dropping over exuberance is totally worth it. As a friend recently pointed out about her performers, they are all totally drinking the Dion Kool-aid.

Celine means this song so hard that I really do feel like she is my lady, and I am her man. Every flap of her arm and beat on her chest proves just how deeply she really, really means it.

We're diving right into the deep end of the pool with the very specific brand of Celine insanity.

Can we really begrudge her all the electricity conducting and modern dancing and bald albino clowns when we take into consideration the extreme melodrama of the song itself? No. The answer is no, we cannot. And therefore, we must enjoy all of this batshittery to it's utmost. We must. FOR LOVE!

Unlikely Love: Happy Valentine's Day!

                              Today is Valentine's Day. A day that, despite some pretty negative press, I find delightful.

It's the middle of winter.  The time of year when everything is gray and dreary and cold, and here comes Valentine's Day with red and pink and purple hearts and sparkles to brighten everything up!

Have I been single for every Valentine's Day of my life, save one my sophomore year of high school that I can't recall in the least? You bet.

Have there been Valentine's Days when I've wanted to throw snow and poop at couples in love and enjoying themselves? Definitely.

Would I probably enjoy having someone send me flowers and chocolate and professing his love via greeting card? I mean, duh.

But, being an adult now, I can look at this day as the brightly colored spectacle that it is. One shining day in which it's perfectly alright to share with those I love just how much, and why, I love them. I try to make a practice of that regularly (you should too), but why waste a perfectly good excuse to be down right mushy-gushy?

So, in honor of this St. Valentine's Day, I will be periodically posting some fine examples of love songs and damn fine performances from the one and only Celine Dion.

XOXOXOXOXO

Your Polar Bear

Boo Hiss: Jingles

                    It would appear that the commercial jingle is back and back with the vengeance of a Spider-Man, a Conan the Barbarian, or a guy from any movie/show/legend in which he becomes a Gladiator.

Looking back on my childhood, the jingle that stands out most is Meow Mix. That little cat is now singing inside of your head. With one onomatopoetic word, they created something that stuck with people, across generations, for years and years. Smart.

The only other two stand out examples are products of Chicago-land's greatest carpeting and flooring rivalry: Empire vs. Luna. Here are the lyrics to these two jingles:

800-588-2300 Empiiiiire

vs.

773-202-*sound of four phone keys being pushed* Lunaaaaa

Creative. Anyone who grew up within a three hour radius of Chicago can start one of these jingles, and by the end at least two other people will have joined in. What they lack in creativity, they make up for in brevity and being memorable. Smart.

Now, all this is to say that the jingle has always seemed to me like a thing of the past to me, like something out of I Love Lucy. They're effective only to a certain point (e.g. I don't buy cat food, and I've not yet had a need for floor covering), and, most importantly, they can backfire. The recent outcropping of jingles has, I fear, done just that.

Take this piece of crap for instance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UH3CshbUHZY&feature=related

This is what my brain does during that commercial:

"This song is relevant to pizza, but what's all this scrawling across the screen? It's too small then TOO BIG! And his red pants and his murdery red room and he sounds a little pitchy, dawg and the doodling's not helping. Those rocker hands look like cacti. Who is that big-nosed guy in the back? Is that Inspector Clouseau? That's a pretty big rip-off, and he doesn't have anything to do with pizza! Oh, it's over...What was he saying"

Not smart.

This commercial jingle from Post-Its though makes the Pizza Hut song sound like sweet baby cherubim: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Q3DMW4e0OE

I am filled with bilious rage on hearing this song. This isn't even a jingle anymore, this is a 90s lady-singer-songwriter jam about plastic tabs. It reminds me of that episode of Friends where Phoebe's old music partner comes back, and she writes shitty jingles for stew and sells out "Smelly Cat" (fun fact: that actress also voiced Tommy Pickles!).

Look, Post-It has a brand and they are sticking to it. Their products truly make my life easier, but there are no ground breaking situations in which I'd use a "durable tab" they've presented to me there.

Where would I use "a durable tab"? Pretty much anywhere I have a plain old, REGULAR POST-IT like my planners, cookbooks, files, paper work, but for Pete's sake, if your binder dividers for a home assembled take-out book didn't come with built-in tabs, then that's your fault for being an idiot and not thinking about that at Office Depot when buying them.

NOT SMART.

I do not think these jingles are effective. I do not think they have a place on my TV or in my brain. The problem that they demonstrate is that we're moving away from the purpose of a jingle in the first place. It was quick, catchy, memorable. This latest crop are long, over-wrought, over-produced songs. They have nothing original to say, they're just statements with a tune.

It's tough to admit given their abundance, but the only people doing it right are the Free Credit Score guys. They are clever and present their information in a unique way. I'm not super pumped when one gets stuck in my head, but when it inevitably does, I don't want to kill all the things in the world (lookin' at you, Post-its).

In the end, if you're not using music as a means to disguise an otherwise boring ad, you can stick around. But if you are...then BOO HISS.

"This" is the new "That":

Twitter PornBots are the new deposed Princes of Nigeria, internet scam-wise.

Accurate and Astute Analogies:

:

::

:

Joey Richter is to Andrew Garfield, as Steve Urkel is to Stefan Urquelle. Discuss!

Every time I look at this photo I can't help but clap my hands and squeal with glee because he is the most precious nugget.

ALSO, THIS TOO, IS PERFECT.

It's like if he stops prancing for too long, he'll die and so too would all of the joy in my life.

Unlikely Loves - Ear Worm Edition

I sang this song to a friend recently, and she asked if I just made it up on the spot. I immediately and vehemently informed her that it was the great George Michael singing a song about which Freud would have had volumes to say.

Please enjoy this twisted, manic, whispered ballad video that is so completely of its time with super models and wisps of fabric across the frame from one of our favorite 80s pop overlords.

Be warned: This video is almost 6 minutes long and will suck you in completely.

Tribute Time: 90s Foof Hair

Men in the 90s had the best hair. It was full and wavy and reminiscent of the hair of the Greatest Generation only less stiff and motionless.  Before faux-hawks, before the Bieber, only slightly before frosted tips and spikes, these are some of the best examples of luxurious and sexy 90s foof hair.

I, personally, love Bill Pullman. I know a lot of women who find him creepy and weird, and I think this is because their entire point of reference is him as Ghost Dad in Casper which is unfair.  Look at how pensive he is here in "While You Were Sleeping"! He's captivated by a smart woman's charm and beauty.

The bookends of this picture are prime specimens. Sean Hunter (Rider Strong) was a ladies man from the start, and from the start they attributed it to his wavy, shiny locks. He had a 2 mile radius of lady-slaying with a single run-through. But let's not neglect Eric Matthews (Will Friedle).  Before he was the lovable, brain-dead goof, he too was quite the ladies man, and it was 100% because of those long and shiny strands framing his darling face.

I could do an entire tribute post to the life's work of Michael J. Fox. He's an objectively incredible guy. Also objectively incredible, his hair here from a promo-shot for his 90s sitcom Spin City. Man, even when he's put together, he's adorable and flopsy.

Steve from Full House. We already loved him for being the sweet, fun-loving, always eating boyfriend to DJ Tanner, but then he voiced Aladdin who is arguably the hottest Disney prince. The slight wave to his hair gives him considerable, dashing volume, no? (When searching for his image, a comparison shot of him to Steve Holt [STEVE HOLT! \o/] came up, which is...pretty spot on.)

And, of course, the best for last:

  That is Adam Scott 20 years ago as "new bully in town" Griff on Boy Meets World, and him again as Ben Wyatt from an episode last season on Parks & Recreation.

He is magnificent. Stay gold, Adam, stay gold.

Sarah McLachlan can't keep me down because Thursday nights mean Parks & Rec AND JERSEY SHORE! Gee, I sure hope they extract Vinny from his room in mother's house on Staten Island.

The Ice Caps Are Melting, and it's Sarah McLachlan's Fault

Polar bears have been getting a lot of press lately due to climate change and the odd female celebrity telling us about their diminishing environment with heart-wrenching PSAs.  But despite their efforts, Lilith Fair creator and sensitive female singer-songwriter Sarah McLachlan has the trump card with her ASPCA ads.

I would have a million dollars if someone paid me a million dollars to count the status updates and tweets I’ve seen where friends, or that awkward girl from high school trigonometry, bemoan the montage of sad puppy eyes, gaunt ponies, and kittens behind bars.

Example: “OMG! Those Sarah McLachlan animal cruelty commercials are SO SAD!!!!!!!”

I hate seeing those statuses all the time because, DOI they are supposed to be sad.  That is the point of ethos as a tool.  They want you to be sad about the puppies and kitties missing ears and limbs so that you give money. Money that will help the pets, but also fund commercials during prime-time television (I’m on to you, ASPCA).

So I’m frustrated because, yeah, we get it, but also because that girl from high school trigonometry was awkward and, frankly, so was I.  And then not only am I going, “Oh, wow, seven exclamation points and all caps. Get this girl a Pulitzer,” I am triggered back into the days when I wore crocs to school and buckled my belts to the side.  If I passed the hottest guy in school, who I casually called “the walking Greek god”, I would update every scintillating moment in my LiveJournal later that day. And, I thought I was so cool.

At this point down the rabbit hole, I’m legitimately depressed about three legged dogs (who doesn’t have April and Andy there to love him and remove him from awkward situations), as well as how much easier I could have made my life in high school if I wasn’t so convinced I was awesome…and then there’s the song.

Look, that song is beautiful.  It has been an important song for a lot of people over the years, but here’s the thing: it’s about suicide.  Take a good listen again to lyrics, e.g.: “There’s always some reason to feel not good enough/ And it’s hard at the end of the day” and you will quite quickly put it together.  It’s not even secretly about it like how almost every classic rock song from the late 60s is about drugs/tripping/bad trips on good drugs/etc.

Screw those commercials. To the tune of “Angel” everyone can emote and type words about sad dogs, but when a polar bear is clutching a bit of ice and floating away into the Arctic Ocean, nobody speaks up.  It’s Sarah McLachlan’s fault.  The only way she can correct this is by writing a song equally tear jerking.  She can do it. She started Lilith Fair TWICE. She can save the effing polar bears.

Maiden Voyage

The first post.  This is the post that will christen the ship.  Consider these words, wielded in my hands, the oversized champaign bottle being smacked against the side of a new air craft carrier.  Mazeltov! (I assume that’s what you say when you break the bottle. Maybe l’chaim?)

As your pop culture polar bear, I’ll be posting regularly on the myriad things I am fanatically crazy about, and the things against which I have vitriolic rage.  And that’s it.  There isn’t an in between.  I have no gray area.  We have one end of the spectrum, our North Pole if you will, and the other end, again, if you’ll indulge me, our South Pole. 

All aboard! The HMS Love/Hate is about to set sail. Shana tova! (I think I’m confusing a lot of my ship metaphors and Jewish culture, but I’m not sure.  Shana tova is Hebrew for bon voyage, right?)

This is a real thing. His name is Morris the Jewish Polar Bear, and he comes with his own dreidl!