EMMA D'ARCY — Ph. By Sarah Piantadosi For ES Magazine (May 2024)

i made a thing

confessions (a moment in time)

“Harry, I didn’t think you knew what you were saying, and if I was scared shitless. I thought if I told you I loved you, if I told you that I’ve spent more hours staring at your stupid hair than doing charms homework this whole year, or that my fingertips itch every time I see you because I want to hold you close so badly, or that the night you told me you thought I was brilliant in November, I wrote six pages in my journal about everything I found brilliant about you, I thought if i told you all that that you would laugh at me, that you’d tell me I was crazy and that you were just babbling on drunkenly and that I was a fucking idiot. I wanted to pull you up into my bedroom and take you apart and see you in  my bed and in front of my fireplace and wearing my sweaters and eating my Christmas brunch with mother, I wanted that more than anything. But I was so scared, Harry. I’ve never even told anyone I was gay. Blaise and I hooked up on and off when we were younger all the time but we never talked about it,” Harry shuddered here, and tried to look away, but Draco grabbed his chin and brought their eyes back together.

“Harry, Blaise means nothing. I was trying to pretend that I could move on without you, but I can’t. And knowing that you love me… knowing that the last few months haven’t been a hallucination… that is everything to me. Everything, Harry. I know it shouldn’t happen this fast, but I can’t help how I feel, and I can’t help that every part of me is on fire right now. I know I fucked up at Christmas. I know I should’ve just been honest with you, but I’m a downright coward, which you’ll never hear me admit again. I didn’t know what to do and how to tell you how I felt. I still don’t know how to tell you I feel. I never talk about my emotions and I wasn’t raised to care about anything, but this is different. I feel this.”

“You’re not a coward… and Draco, you have me. You’ve had me since the second week of November when I found you watching the snow and smiling and I realized I could watch you for hours and hours without ever tiring.”

Draco kissed him again, and Harry felt like every part of him was filled with a glowing light.

Draco finally pulled away to look down at Harry. “Why aren’t you wearing a cloak, H?”

“What was that you said about taking me apart?”

“Don’t think we aren’t coming back to the cloak” Draco muttered, but he reached down and intertwined his fingers with Harry’s, dragging him towards his rooms without hesitation.

***

Much later that night, Harry lay with his head on Draco’s clothed chest, switching between mustering up the courage to ask Draco why he had stopped Harry from removing his shirt, and staring at Draco’s perfect hand that played with his own, dancing across his torso.

Draco finally lost his hand and started tracing Harry’s jaw, to incline his head so they could look at each other. “What are you thinking so hard about?” He asked quietly, not wanting to break the magic, figurative and literal, lingering in the air around them.

“You know you’re beautiful, right?” Harry asked back.

“Yes, you could never measure up.” Draco murmured back, accompanying his words with a light eskimo kiss, drowning Harry in his affection.

“no- Draco I mean… I think you’re the most beautiful person in the world. I won’t…. There’s nothing I would judge you for… and! And we’ve talked about your mark before… you know I don’t mind that.” Harry tried to ask without asking, and luckily Draco picked up on it.

“oh… no Harry it’s not that. I’m just… I can’t… I”

“Draco… I love you. There’s nothing you could-”

“Okay…” Draco cut him off and started to unbutton his white shirt. Harry could see his fingers trembling with nerves, so he hoisted himself up to straddle Draco’s waist and brushed Draco’s hands away gently. Silently, he took over undressing the boy—his boy—beneath him. When he finally pushed the shirt off of Draco, Draco sitting up to allow the sleeves to be pushed off, Harry felt his heart sinking to his stomach.

Draco dropped back down to the mattress below him, refusing to look at Harry.

His eyes flew open as Harry’s seemingly permanently cold fingers began tracing the scars. As Harry’s hand shook, he touched the damage that he had caused to this person he loved so much. He couldn’t imagine anything Draco had ever done warranting this kind of pain. The darkness that Harry had come to know started to creep back in and all of a sudden, he felt overwhelmingly nauseated. He practically threw himself off of Draco and onto the floor, stumbling blindly towards the toilets so he could be sick.

Moments later Draco appeared in the doorway to the bathroom wearing nothing but a pair of light grey briefs. His pale skin, and even paler scars seemed incandescent in the dark, and for just a second Harry had the breath taken out of him, forgetting his distress and absorbing Draco’s beauty. But then, he saw the tears in Draco’s eyes and it all rushed back. Harry was sick again.

“Harry, stop… you can’t blame yourself for this. I… I was so terrible to you. You were just…”

Harry stood quickly, messily, tripping over himself slightly. “Draco, you have to know I didn’t know the spell… I had just read it in the book. I didn’t know… I didn’t think.. I would have never I-”

“Harry… it’s okay… I started the fight.. I… you were defending yourself and I did much, much worse things… I… Harry, I did such bad things when he was living in the manor..”

“Draco, he was manipulating you.. you were fighting for your life. That was your family. It’s not your fault. You… you can’t blame yourself for that.”

“Harry, you can’t blame yourself for this, then!” Draco gestured to his chest almost violently. Tears started to fall down his cheeks, feeling haunted by images of his past and heart thumping with desperation to convey his feelings to Harry.

“Draco… I can’t forgive myself for hurting you. I could’ve killed you. I could’ve killed the most important person in my life because I didn’t even give you a chance.”

“I didn’t let you give me a chance… it’s not your fault Harry… and guess what? I didn’t die. Snape was there. It happened for a reason, you have to believe it.”

“If it happened for a reason, don’t you think it’s also a sign.”

“What-”

“A sign that… that I’m only going to hurt you…”

“Or a sign that no matter what happens, we are tied together and we will survive…”

“But-”

“Harry, I’ve forgiven you… please forgive yourself.”

There was a sense of finality in Draco’s tone that gave Harry pause. Harry didn’t know what to say. He stood facing Draco; two complete opposites staring at each other, stripped of every facade, and finally his resolve collapsed. As soon as he started to step forward, towards Draco, his was met halfway in a tight, binding embrace. His head fell to Draco’s collarbone and his counterpart held him as close as possible.

They brushed their teeth together in silence, not really being able to keep their eyes off each other. For the rest of the night, they hardly spoke, communicating in soft touches and lingering glances. Harry fell asleep feeling warm for the first time in weeks.

Remember how Ron Weasley sat with Harry on the Hogwarts Express his first day of Hogwarts not only because it was the only place, but because he saw that Harry was sitting alone? 

Remember that time when Ron Weasley wrote home to his mother that Harry wasn’t expecting any Christmas presents so that she could send him something?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley told Neville Longbottom that he was worth 12 of Malfoy?

Remember when “Ron was the only one who stood by him”? 

Remember when 12 year old Ron Weasley sacrificed himself to a chess game so that Harry could move ahead to stop Snape (Quirrell) from getting the Philosopher’s Stone?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley fiercely defended Hermione when Malfoy called her a mudblood?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley was terrified of spiders but went following them into the forest anyways for his friend?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley turned up at Harry’s house in the middle of the night to rescue him because he was worried that Harry wasn’t answering his letters?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley stayed at Hogwarts over Christmas because he didn’t want his best friend to be lonely?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley completely took over the studying for Buckbeak’s trial?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley stood on a broken leg in front of his best friend and told the man they thought was a mass murderer that if he wanted to kill Harry he would have to kill him as well?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley was personally insulted and guilty about the fact that he had been keeping the man who had betrayed his best friend’s parents as a pet?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley told Harry that they were coming to get him whether or not his aunt and uncle liked it?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley was the thing that Harry would miss most, even after he had fought with him just earlier that year?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley gave up time he could have been studying for his exams to help Harry prepare for the third task?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley used his powers as a prefect to defend Harry to the students who thought that Harry was lying about You-Know-Who?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley kept standing by his best friend all year even though it labelled him as a liar as well?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley fully supported the idea of Harry teaching them Defence Against the Dark Arts and stood up for him to Zacharias Smith who was being extremely rude to Harry?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley was absolutely furious about what Umbridge was doing to Harry in his detentions?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley removed the junk from on top of the knitting that Hermione put out to free the house elves because he knew it would be insulting and rude for them to pick it up without realizing it?

Rember that time when Ron Weasley supported Harry’s decision to talk to Sirius telling Hermione that Harry could “make his own decisions”?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley immediately agreed to go and save Sirius from the ministry?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley stood by Harry even after hearing about the prophecy which said that his best friend would either be killed by Voldemort or kill Voldemort?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley helped Harry find out what horcruxes were and get the memory from Slughorn? 

Remember that time when Ron Weasley told Hermione to lay off on Harry about the Potions book and cursing Malfoy, because obviously Harry never wanted to hurt anybody?

Remember when Ron Weasley supported his best friend even though he was dating his little sister?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley stayed and defended Hogwarts when Death Eaters broke into the castle, even though he could have stayed safe by staying away?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley agreed to leave school to help his best friend destroy the horcruxes and told him that they would be there whatever happened?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley risked his life by taking the form of Harry to help him get safely away from Privet Drive?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley was a source of comfort to Hermione when she was upset about the fact that her parents didn’t remember who she was?

Remember that time when Ron was the source of all of the important information on the ministry when Harry, Ron, and Hermione needed to break in to get the horcrux?

Remember how Ron kept wearing the horcrux even though it was affecting him in a way much stronger than it did Harry and Hermione? Remember how he did that without complaint, accepting that it was all of their jobs to wear it?

Remember how Ron Weasley regretted leaving the moment he did?

Remember how he came back and saved Harry’s life?

Remember how Ron Weasley knew there was no excuse for him, but came back anyways, not expecting his friends to forgive him, but because he had promised he would be there?

Remember how Ron became the driving force of the trio after he came back, keeping them moving and on track, trying to make up for his mistake, still not expecting to be forgiven or even feeling like he deserved it?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley flat out refused to hand over Harry to Xeno Lovegood in exchange for Luna?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley screamed for him to be tortured instead of Hermione at Malfoy Manor? Remember how he ran around screaming her name and sobbing, wishing it was him instead of her?

Remember when Ron Weasley discovered a way to destroy the cup and made sure to get it destroyed?

Remember that time when Ron Weasley defended the House Elves saying that they couldn’t order them all to die for them?

Remember how Ron Weasley screamed out in defiance against Voldemort after they believed Harry to be dead? Remember how he continued to fight even though he knew what would happen if they lost?

Remember when Ron was the very best friend that someone could ever even ask for and how he was so loyal, kind, brave, and just an all around great guy?

Remember how Ron Weasley was a teenage boy who made mistakes but always acknowledged them and apologized, and never tried to make it seem like he didn’t do anything wrong? Remember how when he messed up he always worked hard to make his relationships stronger afterwards?

Ron Weasley is a great friend. Anyone who disagrees can fight me.

Vintage vibes

06.29.17 // the academic year is over, and since i’m about to start using a new bullet journal, i thought i’d share my last one. here’s a snapshot of my favorite spreads this year.

friendship IS romance : 1. / 2. / 3. fleabag / 4. / 5. / 6. / 7. / 8. a little life, hanya yanagihara  / 9. / 10. 

ELLIE WILLIAMS in The Last of Us Part II (2020)

GWEN STACY Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (Part One) (2022) dir. Joaquim Dos Santos, Kemp Powers, Justin K. Thompson

goblet of fire au where draco talks to all the beauxbatons girls in fluent french and that’s the story of how harry potter lost his fucking mind

Peter Parker didn’t want to  grow up.