That's 100% On Point

America be like "you cant have free healthcare or easy access to disability but you can have a gun"

2024 is a terrible year to be a henchman. The word "minion" is barely usable and you can't even say "goon" anymore.

it’s remarkable how much money you can save by not leaving the house and not eating and not moving

It has the same energy as "fuck it, we ball" except calmer.

I think we should add Pratchett’s Law to the list of things like Murphy’s Law until it’s a household adage because currently no one is doing it like *shrug emoji* “Things Just Happen, What The Hell” and someone needs to be

my day:

10:00 am: wake up

10:30 am: miss wife

11:30 am: get out of bed

12:00 pm: eat

12:30 pm: miss wife

1:00 pm: read classic literature that incites existential dread

4:00 pm: miss wife

6:00 pm: dinner :D

7:00 pm: miss wife

8:00 pm: shower

9:30 pm: play games on my puter

11:00 pm: same thing except im still missing my wife

2:00 am: cry myself to sleep cuz i miss my wife

I need a shawty who also has memory issues so neither of us can remember who was actually right during disagreements.

"Sucking at something is the first step towards being sorta good at something." -Jake the Dog

Sorry if this is odd, but I just found an old EP of yours on Spotify and it's inspiring hearing how much you've improved. It makes me understand that you got where you are through hard work, not just being magically good at what you do. You're a big musical inspiration to me, and I hope you have a good night!

oh fully yeah, sucking is an important and vital part of the journey toward not sucking

“Cave Johnson here. I’ve received complaints from anonymous employees that our support of the “homosexual lifestyle” is “degenerate” and “irresponsible”. It really got me thinking and I think I found a solution. So good news! We now have 23 vacated positions reserved for members of the LGBT community. Additional good news, we began a new testing initiative on evolutionary degenration with 23 test subjects all ready to go.“

Soulmates as a horror concept.

You WILL love this person. It doesn't matter who you loved before; any feelings you had, any promises you made, they will become inconsequential as soon as you lock eyes with the stranger Fate has picked for you.

There's no way to stop it.

There's no way to say "no."

You will meet someone and with a single glance, both of you will become someone new, someone who's now bound to this stranger whether you like it or not, want it or not.

Trapped in a dance together until the day you die.

"Ok, ma'am that'll be $226.03."

I take my wallet out of my pocket and unfold it. It is empty other than a single moth that lazily flies out. The moth lands on the tap point of the card reader. There's a beat, and my payment is processed. The moth flies back into my wallet and I put it back in my pocket.