And I Was So Young When I Behaved 25

so much has happened since we last spoke.  i spend a lot of time wondering about what you’d think of me, would you even recognize me?  i’ve changed in ways i can’t even begin to explain.  i don’t recognize you anymore.

Aesthetics I am obsessed with:

Frutiger Aero / Aurora / Metro

Cybercore / Cyberangel

Y2k

Mizuiro

Cleancore

Liminal spaces

Jiraikei

Morikei

Winter Faerie

Faerie Grunge

Nu & Pastel Goth

Dark Academia

the sexism in naruto is actually so crazy and all encompassing. every female character is defined by her relationship to men. the majority are boy-crazy. and it’s constantly remarked upon how weak they are when compared to their male teammates.

not only that but the main male characters actively dislike the women they’ve been paired off with. shikamaru is into temari but his infinite dream is not having to marry her. sai ends up with ino despite finding her ugly. naruto thinks hinata is weird and boring. sasuke’s dislike of sakura is infamous.

adult men’s interest in women is seen as comical and alien. (reactions to the sexy jutsu, jiraiya harassing women). almost all of the adult men are perpetual bachelors or sex perverts (and those who aren’t are stand ins for “mom and dad”).

when boys actually do like girls, it’s to show goofy immaturity and innocence (naruto’s crush on sakura that he grows out of as he reaches maturity, lee’s crush which is dropped entirely, obitos crush on rin which lasts into adulthood just to show he isn’t entirely separate from the boy he once was)

the whole ninja society likes to imagine it is a mostly gender blind world where women can thrive but this is SO obviously untrue. women are almost always healers and support. women make up less than 1/3 of the ninjas even at genin level. girls are almost all desperate to become wives and earn the attention of boys who don’t even like them!

mikoto uchiha was a jonin and presumably directly descended from the uchiha line (based on characters commenting that she/sasuke look just like izuna uchiha), but we only ever see her retired and raising her sons while her husband gets to be clan leader. (why?? if he married into the main family and she is an extremely capable ninja??)

similarly kushina uzumaki is borderline royalty and a jinchuriki, but her husband is hokage. once again the mother carries on the burden of power (for her sons to inherit) but the father has the title and status.

even the backstory of ninja enforces this. kaguya literally ate the forbidden fruit, giving the gift of chakra to all of humanity but also dooming them to fight for eternity. literally womens original sin …

anyway it’s not that all this sexist shit is in the story. it’s that kishimoto seemingly has no idea it’s there and believes the women he writes have epic girl power. how do you even do this by accident. why does every boy hate their wife. why did kaguya commit the original sin ! the girl characters want so badly to be with a boy but they don’t even care that the boy doesn’t like them back!! sakura and hinata are in loveless marriages of obligation and THEY DONT EVEN CARE??? they’re into it??? does kishimoto think men are universally forced to marry women they don’t like? does he blame women for this?WHY IS THE ORIGINAL SIN DRIVING THE BUS ALL THE SUDDEN?

https://www.instagram.com/share/reel/BAQAiYXoBD

Infinity Nikki is so fun 🥺🎀

Thoughts on cortisol, OCD, anxiety, an anxious mother, and how ingrained fear is in my day to day life.

My spouse's grandfather loads the dishwasher knives-up.

He would yell at me anytime I was loading it, with knives sharp-end down; the handle's safety pointing towards the sky. I would reply with my own upset and explain how anything hazardous had to be pointed downward to prevent injury. I'd try to cite my mom and group homes in an attempt to convey the importance.

He was in the military; he made a career of it. He didn't see the worry, he replied to me something along the lines of "who would be ____ enough to be in that situation?". This now feeble old man, wondering how something worrisome could occur in that situation. It struck me as unreal. I think I remember yelling something about worrying about falls, slips, about his age and my children.

Lately, I'm thinking back on that moment and on my own sudden lack of cortisol and fear of the world around me. I don't have the same level of worry as I once did. My mother can come off as painfully over-worried sometimes and that's something peers in my past have pointed out. Despite that, she has also been right many, many times. I cling to her wisdom because we are poor and life is different when you are poor. She has experience and knowledge that I don't have.

I had this moment a few months back where I was crying at my mom that we should make some sort of safety plan or move somewhere where we can grow food. This sounds ridiculous, maybe. I always worry about food and apocalyptic situations. I imagined what would happen in the worst scenario and what I'd do. I know it's meant to be a therapy technique..? In that moment, with the stories of everything coming out, I sort of had this feeling of accepting I had no control over my death, my family's death, my friends' deaths, let alone anyone else in the world. Even in a movement, death happens. I'm so terrified of it, and then suddenly.. this beyond-level of peace and acceptance.

That it's okay to have no control over it? To be fearful but realize that nothing matters and that my death will always happen, regardless? Is it my mind trying to wrench power away from (not so) invisible enemies who want to kill me? To give up all will to some unknowable universal force that some might call God?

I used to be painfully suicidal. It was sort of like I wanted my death to be in my hands. I couldn't stop thinking about apocalyptic situations and how I'd have to overcome them (or that I was an antichrist and had to be eradicated - I knew it wasn't real but I couldn't stop thinking it).

Ever since then.. it's hard to describe my mind, but I've wanted to live and enjoy everything more? I'm crying out of overwhelming joy to so many things. This might also be coinciding with my recovery from Cushing's. A beginning of feeling again.

And then.. it clashes, somehow, for reasons I don't understand, with my thought-to-be unyielding need to be and prove my intelligence.. to the point that I kept engaging in accidentally self-destructive tendencies to prove my worth to everyone around me. In the worst ways.. pushing myself to study prestigiously looked at field after field with zero results because "ooh, interesting!", forgetting I am allowed to learn without needing a certification to prove it.

And the appreciation of the self-bimbohood sets in. Not a literal rejection of intelligence or adherent to sluttiness, but a realization that my mental health and the forces that shaped my being up to a point had pushed me to reject all the things I've loved that are aligned with femininity and aren't viewed as necessity by capitalism. Embracing hyperfeminine lesbianism and asexuality culture and having pieces of it in my life have felt so, so healing.

Is that level of peace and acceptance why my grandfather-in-law didn't worry about the knives pointed up? Did he accept his potential fate and death and now not worry about such trivial matters? Or did he just not think about it at all?

Here's to all my homies who have/had temporary disabilities. It's hard to know where you are and where you stand. You don't want to step over people who have your problem permanently, but you know there is a place for you somewhere. Even when a disability is temporary, it exists in a moment in time. In that moment, you need help, accessibility, even if it won't matter forever. You can't walk up those stairs, read that picture, hold that pencil, whatever it is. And it matters. And you matter.

~ someone whose cushing's decided to thrust what felt like a million different temporary disabilities onto them last year

nyaa-tan nendo !