Infinity Nikki Is So Fun 🥺🎀

Things I do:

Draw (anime girls + fashion)

Sing

Write poetry

Journal

Research aesthetics

Plan dream coords from aesthetics I like

Catalog physical music to buy

Practice therapy skills

I am getting a lot of my emotions back from after 3 years of being on Korlym. I have Cushing's Disease and had the tumor removed in October. I have been crying nearly non-stop, when I have my private moments, about how much I love things and how badly I've been masked. I keep getting hit with personal understanding epiphanies that feel like the climax of a movie. It feels like such a big deal to me.

Things I love:

Japanese Rhythm Arcade Games

Tea

Thoughts on cortisol, OCD, anxiety, an anxious mother, and how ingrained fear is in my day to day life.

My spouse's grandfather loads the dishwasher knives-up.

He would yell at me anytime I was loading it, with knives sharp-end down; the handle's safety pointing towards the sky. I would reply with my own upset and explain how anything hazardous had to be pointed downward to prevent injury. I'd try to cite my mom and group homes in an attempt to convey the importance.

He was in the military; he made a career of it. He didn't see the worry, he replied to me something along the lines of "who would be ____ enough to be in that situation?". This now feeble old man, wondering how something worrisome could occur in that situation. It struck me as unreal. I think I remember yelling something about worrying about falls, slips, about his age and my children.

Lately, I'm thinking back on that moment and on my own sudden lack of cortisol and fear of the world around me. I don't have the same level of worry as I once did. My mother can come off as painfully over-worried sometimes and that's something peers in my past have pointed out. Despite that, she has also been right many, many times. I cling to her wisdom because we are poor and life is different when you are poor. She has experience and knowledge that I don't have.

I had this moment a few months back where I was crying at my mom that we should make some sort of safety plan or move somewhere where we can grow food. This sounds ridiculous, maybe. I always worry about food and apocalyptic situations. I imagined what would happen in the worst scenario and what I'd do. I know it's meant to be a therapy technique..? In that moment, with the stories of everything coming out, I sort of had this feeling of accepting I had no control over my death, my family's death, my friends' deaths, let alone anyone else in the world. Even in a movement, death happens. I'm so terrified of it, and then suddenly.. this beyond-level of peace and acceptance.

That it's okay to have no control over it? To be fearful but realize that nothing matters and that my death will always happen, regardless? Is it my mind trying to wrench power away from (not so) invisible enemies who want to kill me? To give up all will to some unknowable universal force that some might call God?

I used to be painfully suicidal. It was sort of like I wanted my death to be in my hands. I couldn't stop thinking about apocalyptic situations and how I'd have to overcome them (or that I was an antichrist and had to be eradicated - I knew it wasn't real but I couldn't stop thinking it).

Ever since then.. it's hard to describe my mind, but I've wanted to live and enjoy everything more? I'm crying out of overwhelming joy to so many things. This might also be coinciding with my recovery from Cushing's. A beginning of feeling again.

And then.. it clashes, somehow, for reasons I don't understand, with my thought-to-be unyielding need to be and prove my intelligence.. to the point that I kept engaging in accidentally self-destructive tendencies to prove my worth to everyone around me. In the worst ways.. pushing myself to study prestigiously looked at field after field with zero results because "ooh, interesting!", forgetting I am allowed to learn without needing a certification to prove it.

And the appreciation of the self-bimbohood sets in. Not a literal rejection of intelligence or adherent to sluttiness, but a realization that my mental health and the forces that shaped my being up to a point had pushed me to reject all the things I've loved that are aligned with femininity and aren't viewed as necessity by capitalism. Embracing hyperfeminine lesbianism and asexuality culture and having pieces of it in my life have felt so, so healing.

Is that level of peace and acceptance why my grandfather-in-law didn't worry about the knives pointed up? Did he accept his potential fate and death and now not worry about such trivial matters? Or did he just not think about it at all?

Some things I really like & should try or do more:

Dereality / weird core image creation

Photography

Fashion sketching

Image collaging

Profile layout, icon, & blinkies creation

I used to do some of these things.. The other things listed are newer or felt like I wasn't allowed to try them. (ocd?)

My daughter introduced me to Cookie Run: Kingdom, so I like that, too, now. I really love that ethereal yume raindrop aesthetic.

I really like the aesthetic of Agar Agar, Frilled Jellyfish, and Milky Way cookie the most. 💕 That iridescent, colorful liquidy vibe is the best!!

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I know therapists and people online talk about being yourself.. But it doesn't seem to work for me at all.

I feel guilty for burning out after masking for a little over a year. I think my masks get assumed as an unstable sense of self by therapists.. despite my attempts to explain my experience. I don't know what's so off-putting about me when I don't mask, but everyone senses something is wrong and fake when I do.

I felt happiest when I was numb on Korlym for 3 years and unable to feel the deepest of emotions.. I feel them deeply again now and it's hard to manage, though millions of times easier than before.. but it's easiest to be numb and follow rules that are easy to find about society. It's easiest and then I don't worry about whether I feel happy or not because I wasn't feeling at all on that medication.