I Have No Idea How To Rest. 🧍🏽‍♀️

my mother has been worried about all the wrong things

i’m not about to fall in love with a monster, not the way you did

you’re scared i’ll be gullible, malleable like you are,

falling for the tricks my father used, the curl of tongue, the tilted lips

but oh,

can’t you see?

i’m the monster here, born from the same flesh you were mauled by,

my tongue curls and my lips tilt,

you’ve been worried about all the wrong things.

Being the “eldest daughter” is nauseating and I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone

—the male gaze

the robber bride by margaret atwood // the virgin suicides (1999) // at test of objectification theory: the effect of the male gaze on appearance concerns in college women by rachel m. calogero // ex machina (2015) // a woman’s beauty by susan sontag // lolita (1997) // shame is an ocean, swim across by mary lambert // fleabag // fleabag: the scriptures by phoebe waller-bridge

ancient greek word of the day:  θεομαχέω, to fight against the gods

My current state of mind

mfs say “i’m fine” then detach themselves from everyone in their lives for weeks. that’s me, i’m mfs

Litany in Which Certain Things Are Crossed Out, Richard Siken // sage, OnlyOneOf // religion (u can lay your hands on me), Shura // cover for MONTERO (Call Me By Your Name), Lil Nas X & The Creation of Adam, Michelangelo // Saying Your Names, Richard Siken // God In Jeans, Ryan Beatty // In Bed, The Kiss, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec // Take Me to Church, Hozier // Heaven On Earth, The Platters // Still Don’t Know My Name, Labrinth // photo of Lily Elsie and Adrienne Augarde & Rachel at the Well, Giacomo del Po // As an Experiment, Kerry Banazek // Worship, Years & Years // John Keats

It was desperate magic he tried it / Soaked his deranged heart

Ted Hughes, Capriccio; from 'Systole Diastole'

considering making edgar allan poe’s works into my entire personality.