resources-and-reminders

Latest Posts by resources-and-reminders

It's exhausting and hurtful to have your every action perceived as if you had the worst intentions, even when you're trying your best to do good. It's what forces you to constantly fight to prove yourself, that you do things in good faith, that you're being honest, that you mean well, as if your actions don't already prove it.

And the thing is it never stops, no matter how hard you try to show your true qualities it's never good enough, you always have to try harder and then hear the lies about what you meant by it. It puts you in this magic loop with no escape, you are never understood clearly, you are never free. At one point you too start wondering if they're right, if your intentions are bad. You doubt yourself, you feel guilty for wanting to feel good about yourself.

Anyone doing this to you does not care for you. You don't deserve to be continually misrepresented and to have the value of your actions voided by someone thinking you should have done differently. You should not be brought to exhaustion trying to be good enough for people who do not care if they're being good to you. People who usually do this won't tolerate any bad intention ascribed to their actions, even when it clearly belongs there. They judge you on standards they would never impose on themselves.

The lack of agreement across brands on what “extra firm tofu” is is, in fact, very high on my list of unimportant problems.

in order to lead a happy life im gonna have to disappoint my parents a bit

this is from a "manipulation advice" video and it's just so fucking funny to me. why didn't I think of responding to insults like this

imperfect consistency rather than an all or nothing mentality

i know we joke about cis artists having the weirdest sense of anatomy, but also even when the anatomy is fine, no one seems to want to draw women doing normal things

I'd like to ask for some help from any intersex followers I have (or any intersex folks who come across this post!)

I've been struggling a lot to find proper terminology for intersex issues in my research because Google is all gunked up and Tumblr is just as hard to parse through.

So, if anyone could point me in the direction of any good literature by intersex authors or any good online resources (especially that define terminology) that would be incredibly helpful!! I'm still doing work myself but any sort of direction would be wonderful!

(tl;dr I want to be a better ally to intersex folks in trans feminist conversations about sex/gender and approach my own theory with intersex experiences in mind better! So, any and all resources would be appreciated!)

there should be a tax that youtubers pay where 1.5% of all of their revenue goes back to Kevin Macleod for basically supplying YouTube with it’s own soundtrack.

i want to shake many young women and say you can grow in private. and what i mean by that is that you don’t have to publicly self-flagellate when you don’t know something or when you say something a little insensitive or whatever else. you don’t have to report your Bad Thoughts and Ignorance to the crowd who waits to judge you. you do not have to pay penance. you do not have to issue public statements. nothing more is gained from burying yourself in shame than you could gain by thinking “oh i don’t know about this” and looking it up real quick, or thinking “hm, that wasn’t how i want to behave, i’ll do different next time” and then moving on with your life. no need to choke yourself with it.

This weekend I was told a story which, although I’m kind of ashamed to admit it, because holy shit is it ever obvious, is kind of blowing my mind.

A friend of a friend won a free consultation with Clinton Kelly of What Not To Wear, and she was very excited, because she has a plus-size body, and wanted some tips on how to make the most of her wardrobe in a fashion culture which deliberately puts her body at a disadvantage.

Her first question for him was this: how do celebrities make a plain white t-shirt and a pair of weekend jeans look chic?  She always assumed it was because so many celebrities have, by nature or by design, very slender frames, and because they can afford very expensive clothing.  But when she watched What Not To Wear, she noticed that women of all sizes ended up in cute clothes that really fit their bodies and looked great.  She had tried to apply some guidelines from the show into her own wardrobe, but with only mixed success.  So - what gives?

His answer was that everything you will ever see on a celebrity’s body, including their outfits when they’re out and about and they just get caught by a paparazzo, has been tailored, and the same goes for everything on What Not To Wear.  Jeans, blazers, dresses - everything right down to plain t-shirts and camisoles.  He pointed out that historically, up until the last few generations, the vast majority of people either made their own clothing or had their clothing made by tailors and seamstresses.  You had your clothing made to accommodate the measurements of your individual body, and then you moved the fuck on.  Nothing on the show or in People magazine is off the rack and unaltered.  He said that what they do is ignore the actual size numbers on the tags, find something that fits an individual’s widest place, and then have it completely altered to fit.  That’s how celebrities have jeans that magically fit them all over, and the rest of us chumps can’t ever find a pair that doesn’t gape here or ride up or slouch down or have about four yards of extra fabric here and there.

I knew that having dresses and blazers altered was probably something they were doing, but to me, having alterations done generally means having my jeans hemmed and then simply living with the fact that I will always be adjusting my clothing while I’m wearing it because I have curves from here to ya-ya, some things don’t fit right, and the world is just unfair that way.  I didn’t think that having everything tailored was something that people did. 

It’s so obvious, I can’t believe I didn’t know this.  But no one ever told me.  I was told about bikini season and dieting and targeting your “problem areas” and avoiding horizontal stripes.  No one told me that Jennifer Aniston is out there wearing a bigger size of Ralph Lauren t-shirt and having it altered to fit her.

I sat there after I was told this story, and I really thought about how hard I have worked not to care about the number or the letter on the tag of my clothes, how hard I have tried to just love my body the way it is, and where I’ve succeeded and failed.  I thought about all the times I’ve stood in a fitting room and stared up at the lights and bit my lip so hard it bled, just to keep myself from crying about how nothing fits the way it’s supposed to.  No one told me that it wasn’t supposed to.  I guess I just didn’t know.  I was too busy thinking that I was the one that didn’t fit.

I thought about that, and about all the other girls and women out there whose proportions are “wrong,” who can’t find a good pair of work trousers, who can’t fill a sweater, who feel excluded and freakish and sad and frustrated because they have to go up a size, when really the size doesn’t mean anything and it never, ever did, and this is just another bullshit thing thrown in your path to make you feel shitty about yourself.

I thought about all of that, and then I thought that in elementary school, there should be a class for girls where they sit you down and tell you this stuff before you waste years of your life feeling like someone put you together wrong.

So, I have to take that and sit with it for a while.  But in the meantime, I thought perhaps I should post this, because maybe my friend, her friend, and I are the only clueless people who did not realise this, but maybe we’re not.  Maybe some of you have tried to embrace the arbitrary size you are, but still couldn’t find a cute pair of jeans, and didn’t know why.

Recently discovered, fully by accident, that the trick to feeling like you have more time in the day is to actually do shit with the time that's there, which seems fake and wrong and it's frankly infuriating that it works >:|

it doesn’t have to be good it just has to be done

Taste is the most important factor in nutrition.

Because you get the most nutrients from the foods you'll actually eat.

So add cheese, oil, spices, vinegar, sauces, etc. Try them roasted or sauteed or pureed, etc.

The actual secret to eating lots of fruits and veggies and other nutrient dense foods is:

Make them taste good. That's literally it.

remember: don't chase the pain. if you're lucky enough to have access to an adequate supply of painkillers, use them early. if your pain is episodic, not continuous, hit the pain as soon as you notice it and your chances of avoiding a bad episode improve.

if you wait around to see if it gets 'bad enough' for painkillers, you're more likely to end up in a lot of pain that's difficult to control.

the tricky part is, if you do it right, it feels like you did it wrong. because if you catch the pain early before it gets bad, it often feels like 'it never got that bad so maybe i didn't need the medication.'

but it didn't get that bad BECAUSE of the medication! you did it right. it's okay to use the tools at your disposal. fuck the stigma.

kill the imposter syndrome in your head because not only is there someone out there doing it worse than you, they’re also using chat gpt to do it

There’s a difference between parents who want you to be happy, and parents who want you to look happy.

 If your parents want you to be happy, they will be there for you when you need them, and help you with your struggles. They’ll take your pain seriously. They wont make fun of your problems when that hurts you. They’ll point out your good sides. They’ll let you know they hold you valuable and important no matter what the rest of the world says about you. They’ll make sure you know they’re on your side, here to protect and get you out of trouble, that if something happens you have backup, you have a safety to fall back on. They’ll make sure you have a place you belong to, place where you’re welcome and wanted. They’ll be a source of comfort, warmth and support.

If your parents want you to look happy, they’ll demand that you stuff down your emotions and play an act of a child who doesn’t need anything or anyone, who is just fine the way things are, no matter how bad things are for you. They’ll dictate what you’re allowed to think of them and how you’re supposed to react on anything and everything they do. They’ll demand you hide your pain, your symptoms, your anger, your fear, anything that makes them look like less than perfect parents has to go. They’ll let you know that they are important, you aren’t. Their emotions and needs and desires are important, yours aren’t. Their pain has to be paid back, yours has to be ignored and forgotten. Your life falls back on what is and isn’t convenient to them, every part of you is judged only by how much use they can have of it. And of course, they’ll tell you they did it all for your sake, because if they didn’t, who knows how awful you would turn out. 

If they say they want you to be happy, but their actions tell you that you need to look happy “or else”, they’re abusive parents, and they do not care about your happiness.

I hate the “get out of your comfort zone” sentiment because firstly fuck you for assuming everyone has a comfort zone, it’s an idea created in comfortable and privileged environment and cannot apply to survival type lives, I am trying to keep myself in the zone of “discomfort I can survive” and only other zone I can go to is “discomfort that will make me suicidal in 10 seconds or less” and i’m not risking my life for that shit, secondly it’s implying that already overwhelmed people don’t have the right to feel comfortable, and if they work towards feeling comfortable they’re doing the wrong thing, and it’s been enough of that, all of you, every person on this planet has the right to feel comfortable, and should work towards that first, and god knows if i ever find a place i feel comfortable in i will never ever leave

be busy. busy not checking messages. busy reading those books you never started or finished. busy having a good night of sleep. busy taking care of yourself and your skin. busy moving your body. busy helping your community. busy reflecting on your life and what you can improve. busy doing things aside from the capitalistic viewpoint of “productivity.” busy slowing down.

terrifying your own child into submission makes you an abuser.

watching your child cry and screaming at them to stop and invalidating their pain and reasons for crying makes you an abuser.

staring at your child in disgust and contempt after they displease you makes you an abuser.

threatening to your child to take away their basic resources if they don’t give you exactly what you want makes you an abuser.

forcing your child to feel ashamed for not living up to your ideals makes you an abuser.

using slurs, hateful names and insults on your own child without any regard to what it does to their mental health makes you an abuser.

forcing your child to chase impossible expectations and making them feel like they’re worthless for not achieving them makes you an abuser.

acting like your child is a burden and a waste of space and blaming their illness/disability/depression on it makes you an abuser.

behaving like your child will never amount to anything and isn’t worth any resources and nurturing makes you an abuser.

making your child feel like they’re never good enough makes you an abuser.

if your child’s heart is hurting because they know no matter what they do and how hard they try they will always be a failure in your eyes, you are an abuser.

if your child can’t look at themselves without self hatred because they had to look at themselves from your perspective and all they saw is disgust and hatred, you’re an abuser.

If your child is struggling to believe they have the right to live and to be cared and loved, if they can’t stop hearing your hateful voice putting them down and using their every action to prove they’re worthless, you’re an abuser.

If you watched your child in pain and assured them they deserved it, you’re an abuser.

If your child can’t love themselves from how badly you hated them, you’re an abuser.

Things to say to abusers to block their attacks/lies/gaslighting/manipulation

This decision will affect me more than you, so I get to decide.

It’s not your call.

I think it’s been enough of me suffering the consequences of your decisions.

I’m not obliged to answer those questions.

You don’t have the right to say that to me.

Stop lying.

Not even you believe that.

We both know the truth.

Now why would you say such a thing to me?

That is not a thing you should be saying to someone you pretend to love.

You saying it over and over again doesn’t make it true.

You know you’re lying.

Sounds like whatever is convenient to you is always the truth huh?

You don’t have the right to demand this information.

Would it kill you to stop talking to me in this manner?

Is it hard to not insult people around you?

Who do you think you’re talking to?

We’re going to talk when you can adress me as a person.

Based on your track record, you don’t seem to know me that well.

And you know this because?

Oh yeah you really, really took in all the evidence before making that claim.

You expect me to believe that?

Evidently you’re too much of a liar to be taken seriously.

How about we focus on what you did wrong for a change?

Don’t expect forgiveness from me.

(I understand you can’t get away with most of this most of the time but here’s to dreaming)

Idk how many people know about this but Harvard offers a bunch of free courses every semester & they are genuinely so cool & such a good resource!

I think one of the things that has brought me the most peace in my life was the decision to stop responding to anything not clearly stated to me.

Anxiety: Oh no your friend hates you!

Me: Well they didn't say that. So either they need to fortify and tell me themselves, or I will continue to be their friend exactly as I am.

Not just that though. When people hint drop that they want a thing from you, I act as if I have not noticed at all. Either you directly ask me for that thing, or you are not getting that thing from me.

I actually decided to start doing this because I got diagnosed as autistic and I realised how much stress and unhappiness I put on myself trying to figure out everyone's motives and wants and needs all the time. So I decided I'd just... Stop.

And I tell people that. I tell people "I don't notice or respond to hints or passive aggressive behaviour. Either you need to be straight with me or I will continue as I am." And you know the only person that has had a problem with it?

My former abuser (who I am vvvvv low contact with). Because they relied on me feeling obligated to respond to their unspoken moods and wants to keep me in line.

Everyone else has been immediately on board and my relationships have gotten SO much stronger. Because I am asked directly for things, and I will give a direct reason for my response, regardless of what that response is. (e.g. "Hey, can you call me, I want company on the drive home!" "No, sorry, I'm in the middle of [task], but I will be done in twenty minutes so if you still want my company then, I'll be happy to.")

So I put this out as a suggestion for all people, ND and NT.

Stop responding to hints, passive aggression and other 'unspoken' things. Use, model and encourage clear communication with everyone, you'd be surprised how much easier it makes EVERYTHING!

If you use Duolingo, maybe don't anymore? The company is moving to be "AI-first" and is using AI to generate their content. Meaning, AI is now generating your language lessons.

They announced that they were going to use AI for this a while back but now they're annoucing that they're getting rid of the contractors reviewing the AI generated content. So, very soon Duolingo is just going to be AI generated slop that might not even be correct.

For alternatives, I'd recommend checking with your local library. For instance, mine offers Rosetta Stone for free if you have a library card.

As tiring as all this shit is, I can't in good faith continue to use spotify.

For anyone else jumping ship, I used to exportify.app to save my favorite playlists.

It smells and sounds like spring 

theregister.com

Windows 10 LTSC – the version that won't expire for years

: Can't run Windows 11? Don't want to? There are surprisingly legal options

The 2021 LTSC is available in the plain vanilla version, Windows 10 Enterprise LTSC 2021, with end of mainstream support scheduled January 12, 2027, and Windows 10 IoT Enterprise LTSC 2021, with an extended end date of January 13, 2032. They are not quite the same as the ordinary consumer editions of Windows 10. They don't include the Windows Store or any "modern" apps. Apart from the Edge browser, they have almost nothing else: no OneDrive, no Weather or Contacts apps, and no Windows Mail or whatever it's called this week.

...no OneDrive, Copilot AI, or all of the other useless crapware cluttering up the Start menu? AND patches/support through 2032??

Don't threaten me with a good time, Microsoft.

You have to remind yourself “I did nothing to deserve any of that.” every once in a while to keep that guilt down and rage up.

googling shit like "why do i feel bad after hanging out with my friends" and all of the answers are either "you need better friends" (i don't; my friends are wonderful) or "your social battery is drained, you need to rest and regain your energy levels" (i don't; i've got tons of energy, it's just manifesting as over-the-top neurotic mania). why is this even happening. it's like some stupid toll i have to pay as a punishment for enjoying myself too much

dealing with the worst case scenario

your condom breaks

you feel a lump on your breast

your friends are ignoring you

you’re stranded on an island 

you got rejected by a crush

you get into a car accident

you got stung by a bee/wasp

you got fired from your job

you’re in an earthquake

your tattoo gets infected

your house is on fire

you’re lost in the woods

you get arrested abroad

you get robbed

your partner cheated on you

you’re on a ship that’s sinking

you fall into ice

you’re stuck in an elevator

you hit a deer with your car

you have food poisoning

your pet passed away

you fall off of a horse

you or your friend has alcohol poisoning

you have toxic shock syndrome

your house has a gas leak