First Post

I’m still pissed at myself for making things very hard for myself with such a small and stupid mistake but at least after getting lots crappy offers for my car from a bunch of fucking scavengers, I’m getting proper offers from couple of people who knows the value of it.

The weather is horseshit though, cold and rainy. It doesn’t help with this gloomy mood of mine.

I have made two assignments in one day for my classes, thank you ChatGPT. I wish we had AI when I was studying in the university, it would make everything much easier.

I thought being a student could be fun when I decided to take these classes but I surely haven’t missed studying even a bit.

This little friend was wondering after a bit of rain, he made me think of my own shell. It made this gloomy day even darker.

Poem

I was cleaning up my notes on my phone and came across to this poem I wrote for a dating app profile 2 years ago. I think it’s amazing.

I don’t even know why I’m still doing this, I feel like I will neve rbe able to share anything deep on here even with people who has no idea who I am. At the beginning I thought it will be easy since I’m anonymous but I gotta think about what’s stopping me to get there.

Arthur Morgan is a good motivation. I really like seeing and remembering him everyday. I find so many similar things in him about me. He will stay with me and be a part of my life till I die. A fictional character is way more heartwarming than so many people around me.

I'm standing in the parking lot after talking to the service employee that will repair my car. I look around, it's a small parking lot with maybe 30-40 cars in it and most of them are new. All those cars worth maybe 20 million SEK( around 1.8 million Euros). Service employee told me the visible damage will cost me minimum 50000 SEK(around 4500 Euros). It's big enough to upset me but I felt more upset when I realized a half full parking lot in the middle of Sweden that wouldn't even look like a dot on map, this tiny place no one can see on earth is worth 400 times more than my headache. I felt so small, like an ant that was stepped on. No one hears you scream or cry, no one even realizes you are there and hurt. You expect at least a second look but no one looked at you even before they stepped on you. Money is just a tool for me, I'm happy as long as I have enough of it. I have never been greedy and have never had any big financial ambitions. I come from a very poor background so even having a car is luxury for me comparing to where I have been 10 years ago. But feeling this small hurts me. I should go back to my old self before I got used to this comfort. However I took myself out of that shitty life, I should work that hard again to take myself further for my peace of mind. It should be at a place where this amount of money won't upset me anymore... Look at the beauty of the water... You can see in the picture how silent, how peaceful it is there. Check out all the shades of blue and enjoy the ease settles in your mind.

Start

I was thinking of writing these in the evening before I sleep but I'm not gonna stay at home tonight so I post this a bit earlier than planned. I will find the most suitable way as I keep doing this I guess.

It's been pretty hectic lately but I will share that later on with a more clear mind.

I'm having a great day so far. Sun is shining. Even though it's cold and windy, I enjoyed my walk around the stables in my neighborhood. Hopefully it is gonna be a great night at my friend's place, would be a good ending for this day.

"friend"... Not actually a friend but I will tell about her later. Give me some time, I haven't warmed up to this new sharing thing yet.

After everything I write, tens of thoughts pop up in my mind and I can't write about all of them. But this is my usual state, it's a circus full of freaks in my head at most times. I wish it will calm down as I spit out some of the thoughts on here. Doing this seems like even a better idea than I thought at the begining and will serve more than only one purpose. We'll see...

I gave myself a high five and ending this here now. Nothing much yet but I started writing and it's a big enough step for me on the first day.

My mind makes everything so complicated, analyzing too much. Like I have to do everything so efficiently. I can’t even do groceries if I don’t combine that trip with another task. Even my social interactions must be efficient… I can lay down and watch pointless Youtube videos without paying much attention for hours but when I decide to do something productive my mind has to start complicating it. I know it would be way more efficient if I just do it instead of analyzing it deeply and try to make it more efficient. Sometimes I feel like I’m paralized in my brain. This is so damn tiring and I gotta find a way to stop this.

And here is a very inefficient tree. It has so many flowers and it looks so beautiful but these flowers doesn’t smell. What’s the point of a flower if it doesn’t smell good? I’m not a bee after all. I should try to be more like this tree, I don’t have to do everything perfectly. I’m sure this tree is way more peaceful than I am.

Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to sell my half-dead beautiful car for an okay price and try to feel good that I didn’t have a big injury from the accident. I gotta repeat that to start feeling greatful so I can go back to my other fights.

I feel a bit numb and mentally very tired, gotta gather myself up so I can keep working on myself to get things better in me as quick as possible. That cognitive empathy issue is still up there and I need my full focus to understand it so I can change the bad effects of it.