Latest Posts by sapphire-od - Page 8
Chayanne and Tallulah have become uber attentive toward their father's emotional state. He's somewhat vocal, at least toward them, about how rough it's been for him and the rest of the islanders. How much they endured, how awful they felt without the eggs around. And they notice what's being said and how much pain their father (and everyone else) has gone through, and they're consistently being very considerate of him. "do you want a hug? You always hug us." "stop sleeping in a chair and sleep in a bed you fucking idiot." (<- okay that's not an actual quote but they might as well have said that)
Like, Phil hasn't slept in a bed for the longest time, even before the eggs disappeared. Yes, the chair thing pretty much started due to the egg's disappearing, but dude doesn't really use his own house. Ever. And this has never been brought up before, by anyone. This only got worse when his kids went missing. So Phil hasn't really adjusted to the eggs returning yet, not entirely, because he anticipated logging out while sitting in that chair, which is basically what sparked that conversation about him sleeping in a bed. He's so used to the chair, and he doesn't see why it's a problem.
It's really clear especially after today that q!Philza is fairly emotionally dependent on his eggs. Yes, all of the parents and those close to the eggs have had their moods lifted very noticeably, and there are plenty of other parents whose mentality is at least somewhat reliant on these eggs (see q!Bad and also q!Roier), but of course, as a Philza main, it really is like night and day here. And for me, one of the biggest factors as to why there's this emotional dependency is that Philza feels that he has no other way to handle his trauma or emotions. Philza doesn't really have anyone to lean onto. No co-parent, no partner, no anything. Yes, he has close friends, but they also have their own children to care for, others to prioritize. Phil doesn't really feel he can be anyone's top or high priority. His partner is never around, for example, and I dunno how open he'd be with Missa even if he's around more often. Even if he has moments of vulnerability with others, Phil doesn't feel like he can be that open when those people have other things to be concerned about.
Yet his children obviously don't have priorities, and he is very open and honest about them. He doesn't shy away from telling them about what they went through, how awful they felt with the eggs missing, and so forth. He's not afraid to share with his kids. (Though, even then, he's not willing to share everything. Yes, Phil, let's pretend the black matter never happened. Just brush it all away, repress it all. It's like nothing ever happened...)
But still, it's heartbreaking to see that it has taken this long for q!Phil to finally rest up in an actual bed. There's not a real point to this post except Philza really, truly needs someone else, one of the people on this island, who he can rely on. Because it shouldn't take his kids to call him out for sleeping in a damn chair all the time.
Chayanne and Tallulah have become uber attentive toward their father's emotional state. He's somewhat vocal, at least toward them, about how rough it's been for him and the rest of the islanders. How much they endured, how awful they felt without the eggs around. And they notice what's being said and how much pain their father (and everyone else) has gone through, and they're consistently being very considerate of him. "do you want a hug? You always hug us." "stop sleeping in a chair and sleep in a bed you fucking idiot." (<- okay that's not an actual quote but they might as well have said that)
Like, Phil hasn't slept in a bed for the longest time, even before the eggs disappeared. Yes, the chair thing pretty much started due to the egg's disappearing, but dude doesn't really use his own house. Ever. And this has never been brought up before, by anyone. This only got worse when his kids went missing. So Phil hasn't really adjusted to the eggs returning yet, not entirely, because he anticipated logging out while sitting in that chair, which is basically what sparked that conversation about him sleeping in a bed. He's so used to the chair, and he doesn't see why it's a problem.
It's really clear especially after today that q!Philza is fairly emotionally dependent on his eggs. Yes, all of the parents and those close to the eggs have had their moods lifted very noticeably, and there are plenty of other parents whose mentality is at least somewhat reliant on these eggs (see q!Bad and also q!Roier), but of course, as a Philza main, it really is like night and day here. And for me, one of the biggest factors as to why there's this emotional dependency is that Philza feels that he has no other way to handle his trauma or emotions. Philza doesn't really have anyone to lean onto. No co-parent, no partner, no anything. Yes, he has close friends, but they also have their own children to care for, others to prioritize. Phil doesn't really feel he can be anyone's top or high priority. His partner is never around, for example, and I dunno how open he'd be with Missa even if he's around more often. Even if he has moments of vulnerability with others, Phil doesn't feel like he can be that open when those people have other things to be concerned about.
Yet his children obviously don't have priorities, and he is very open and honest about them. He doesn't shy away from telling them about what they went through, how awful they felt with the eggs missing, and so forth. He's not afraid to share with his kids. (Though, even then, he's not willing to share everything. Yes, Phil, let's pretend the black matter never happened. Just brush it all away, repress it all. It's like nothing ever happened...)
But still, it's heartbreaking to see that it has taken this long for q!Phil to finally rest up in an actual bed. There's not a real point to this post except Philza really, truly needs someone else, one of the people on this island, who he can rely on. Because it shouldn't take his kids to call him out for sleeping in a damn chair all the time.
q!Phil's mental illness is portrayed so well
it's so clear that something is wrong, to everyone else and to himself but he will deny it forever. He won't admit something is wrong or that these things really are messing with his head
He can't. He just can't do it! it's nothing and he's fine and he isn't sure if he's a real person anymore but that can be fixed!!
He can just distract himself with small tasks and talking to people and accompanying Tubbo and Fit when they want to go somewhere. He can just venture out 300k blocks or go do dungeons or explore those places where he knows he really shouldn't go. There has to be something he can do. Something that will make him feel real again. Can't feel pain in a dream!
None of it was real so why does he feel like this? He's certain it isn't real, it couldn't be. But he doesn't feel real either. None of it is real. He isn't real. He's stuck in a never ending nightmare and he's never going to wake up and- god he needs to find something to do before he starts questioning things again.
He can check on Fit or go see someone else, it's a distraction, it stops him from thinking about everything. It stops the feelings and thoughts for a time but was that bird there a second ago? Is it real? Why is there a bird in a cage here?? What the fuck??? That's real, right? Yes. Okay, it is there. Why? He should take it home. He needs to go home. He'll catch up with the others later.
But he doesn't. He doesn't come back and nobody will notice and he knows that and it's okay it doesn't matter! He doesn't want to be bothered he needs to go to bed. He wishes his friends would check on him more.
He wonders how long it would take for someone other than Fit and Tubbo to notice if he disappeared. He doesn't want to think about it, he needs to go to sleep. He goes to the nest to sleep. It's nice out here.
they Ponder the Hat
My thought is that ever since the imprisoning of q!phil, since he often wonders if something is real or not Is that there's time where he's gonna be doing something and will just straight up spaces out He will stare out blankly into the void, losing himself in the limbs of his head while his kids try to get his attention Sometimes he will even just walk somewhere while in this state and just stand/sit there silently With Chayanne and Tallulah stumbling upon him
The end of the world
OKAY BUT-!
WHY ARE THE WINGS NAMED LIKE THAT???
Anyway for entirely justifiable reasons (<-is a glutton for angst) I need Chayanne and Tallulah to be present when the hummingbirds come around or a note about the 'wise old crow' appears in their house, causing qPhil to have one of his derealization/reality-questioning episodes. I need it. I need it to happen SO bad. Because they’ve seen Phil get roughed up in a fight, they’ve seen him angry, they’ve seen him wary and even nervous, but they have NEVER seen him doubt like that.
People have already made posts talking about how the cage-for-a-cage/child-of-the-sky stuff has been particularly rough on qPhil, who relies heavily on his constant vigilance, keen senses, and hyper-awareness of his surroundings for reassurance. He's the kind of guy who walks into a room and has already charted at minimum two escape routes by the time he takes a seat, you know? He sees and processes and stores information on everything, at all times, and he uses this to act in the best interest of his and his loved ones' collective survival.
His kids see this side of him too, most significantly in the ways that he looks after them: always keeping an eye on the back of the group, never far from Tallulah, and constantly analyzing Chayanne's fighting style to give helpful critique to optimize his attacks. Chayanne and Tallulah know that everything he's ever done was to protect them. Also, he's always there to offer them advice when they're feeling lost, and even if he doesn't have all the answers they need, he gives enough reassurances and promises to put their minds at ease. Phil is confident in what he knows. In their eyes, he is strong. He is a fortress, safe and impenetrable.
You could say that about a lot of children's perceptions of their parents/guardians/mentors. The older, guiding forces in our lives always seemed strong and infallible to us as kids. That's why it was always unnerving to see them get sick, or get stressed, or cry. Observing weakness in those people felt so, so wrong because we never considered the fact that they were capable of it; it was just impossible.
So, the situation: Phil is suffering in a way that makes him question the very same reality that he was a master of not too long ago. Whenever it happens, he goes quiet, looks around, mutters to himself, breathes shakily, fidgets. He is visibly unnerved and uncertain.
If Chayanne and Tallulah are there, they're gonna notice---they're perceptive, just like him. I'd imagine they'd try to ask him if he's okay, and he'd reassure them that he's fine, and maybe that's enough the first time. But, as more incidents arise, and as time goes on, they start to see more of this out-of-nowhere uneasiness, fear, from him, which is worrying, especially because he won't tell them why.
NOW. Phil has been upfront about a lot of things with Chayanne and Tallulah in the past. For example, during the height of the code attacks, Phil told them everything he ever learned about the codes, every single new development, to ensure that his kids were well informed and prepared. He was frank about the threat on their lives because to sugar-coat anything would be doing them a disservice. It was important they knew all of the cold, hard facts, even if it took away even more of their precious childhood innocence. He values their happiness, but safety comes first. It has always come first.
But this is different. It's not cold hard facts. Phil doesn't know what to believe anymore. When the hummingbirds come around and his reality comes into question, he doesn't know what is real, what he can trust, what is fact. His senses have been compromised. Hell, he's still trying to convince himself that he's not going crazy when all evidence seems to suggest that he's losing his goddamn mind. He doesn't know what to tell his kids, so he tells them nothing.
So now here stands Chayanne and Tallulah. There is something that is scaring their dad, and he won't tell them what is, so on top of the knowledge that their unwavering father is, in fact, capable of true, genuine fear, he's suddenly keeping things from them. Their dad is keeping things from them because he is scared. And I can't imagine a realization more terrifying than that.
Watching back clips from the update channel of q!Phil letting his wings out and..... ; ;
they look so... rough.... they hurt so much......
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN FUCK THE FEDERATION BC WHAT THE HELL
My interpretation of Phil using a backpack for balance:
The bag isn't literally a counterweight; the backpacks are inexplicable black holes of storage, and the feathers that would be trimmed in a normal wing clipping are incredibly light. Those weights probably don't even out.
But if his wings weren't clipped carefully, and either bone or muscle was significantly damaged in the process (struggle?), maybe Philza's issue (other than lack of flight feathers) has been an inability to hold his wings closed. The backpack might not be a counterweight, but rather a sling to keep his wings from flopping around. Phil might be able to deal with changes in how much weight he's carrying, but not with the constant changes to his center of gravity that broken wings could cause in a fight.
Just a moment from earlier I found funny
phil is a leader. he delegates wonderfully, he keeps the morale up, he makes sure they all know that the most important part is they are all having fun. he's diplomatic, he listens to them all, but he also stands up for his team. he gets the job done, but he also keeps them grounded.
cellbit as a second in command is strategic. he's single minded, he is competitive and ruthless, he's great at doing the maths and creating realistic plans that can make them win because of the percentages. he's good at understanding the rules of the game and being one step ahead. he knows how to adapt, but he won't feel remorse about playing to win.
foolish is a builder. he knows how to observe from afar and how to think outside of the box. one of his best assets is playing with luck. he found the fastest horse, he finds 90 diamonds in one single trip, he found the wrecked ship 10 minutes before the time was up by accident. he's adaptable and chaotic and is up to anything they propose.
baghera is the glue that tie them all together. she's a constant presence, she will die to the most random mobs and spend two hours trying to get back to base, but she'll also spend double of that time preparing resources to tasks for everyone else. she's smart and funny and kind but she'll also be the first one to cheer you up when you want to murder or burn things.
charlie is the roleplayer. he's a wildcard. he'll do the tasks and he'll kill people and he'll spend hours mining, but he'll also kidnap an npc just for fun, he'll get emotionally attached to a whale and he'll pole dance to The married man on his team. he'll prioritize having fun and being a breath of fresh air for his teammates.
jaiden is incredible at manipulating and working with the cards she's been given. she'll lend the rope to the rival team just to see how far they'll go. she'll play innocent and the victim and end up running away from two kidnappers while getting away with a goblin that will benefit her own people. she knows how to play two different sides and, in the end, finish with a win for her own, third side.
carre is isolated from the team for most of the time, be it bc of language barrier or bc he doesn't know them that well yet, but he knows how to best spend his time. he will mine as much as he can, he'll listen, he's one of the best at fighting. if needed, you can call and he's ready to come running.
etoiles and roier, having arrived later, blended so well with the team. they're both teamplayers first and foremost. they can and will kill people on sight, but they'll also listen to what the others think about it first. they'll follow the rules and they'll have fun and they'll grind and they're more than capable and they'll give their all to make people happy. they'll make all of their efforts be worth it.
ironmouse and maxo, also arriving later, have all the right vibes for the team. she'll throw herself into the fire and she'll play death matches with baghera and she'll wear the gas mask even before she was choosen to be with them. he'll die to ten different mobs and get killed by his ex and he'll refuse to drink the medicine for rp purposes and he'll bring a giant bomb to the island. they belong.
Something about Phil carrying Tubbo to the boat too was how Phil was so worried that he couldn't make it, that his wings couldn't possibly last all the way there, but Tubbo had such faith in him the whole time and kept cheering him on
And turns out it was just enough and he did it. It did break his wings but he managed to save himself and Tubbo. He was right to be worried but Tubbo was also right to believe in him
I have feelings about
"The Bolas way is we go with you."
Cuz like this team started as chaotic group but it took about two days before they started calling the person they chose as a leader dad. It's the team i believe survived purely on spite and bits with each other the first day, the team that said "do you just want to build houses" and somehow after that managed to pull through, together, to the finale. An honourable finale.
And now, there's Phil on the boat. But not entirety of team bolas.
The Escape.
@professional-little-lark
OFFICIAL Bolas playlist FROM THE BOLAS MEMBERS on YouTube music!
And YouTube
Original playlist from Spotify:
Yeah I basically just copied them across so everyone can listen regardless of if they have Spotify:)
also, something that's super interesting to see when you look at the 1v1 between the leaders is that, like tubbo explained, his pvp skills come with his confidence. and meanwhile phil genuinely thought that tubbo was going to win, he knows how good toby is at pvp and was more than ready to take that loss.
and in the end it's not that it came to confidence. it came to who could handle pressure the best of the two. because they both had TONS put uppon their shoulder in an instant: all the responsability that they had had as leaders in the past two weeks and more. it all came down to this.
and the thing is that, in the end, tubbo is a kid. when put under that ammount of pressure, faced with his friend and mentor to the other side of the battlefield, he could not handle the pressure and he crumbled over it.
but phil? phil is a veteran at this. to him, every single battle always feel like it could be the last. every time he fights something or someone, it's with the knowledge that -as much as people praise him- he is not the best. so all he's left to do is to do his best.
in this case, the nerves of steel that come with being a player in a world in which if you die you lose it all, definetly helped phil come victorious in the battle.
Whatever you do do not think about Philza in those last moments.
Don't think about how much he must have been hurting, how his newly healed wings must have been falling apart, feathers falling, bones broken and aching, everything hurting so much because he pushed himself beyond his limits, how he must have known what it meant, that he had done his last flight.
Don't think about him looking at Tubbo and thinking it was worth it. That he would give his wings over and over again if that meant being able to save his family.
Don't think about him shaking, trying not to think about Chayenne and Tallulah because if he did he would crumble and he couldn't do that when so many were still missing, when everything is so uncertain.
Don't think about him seeing Baghera's last message, breath stuck somewhere in his chest, terrified about what that means, filled with all the memories they built together in those weeks. Understanding her, but filled with dread, with the urge to run to her and help, with the instinct to protect and put her before anything else.
Don't think about Philza suddenly hearing Roier let out a sob looking at his communicator. Don't think about Philza holding him as Roier trashed and trashed trying to jump off the boat, about him holding him for dear life as Roier screamed at him to let go calling him any name under the sun. Don't think about Philza holding Roier because he knew that would be what Cellbit would want.
Don't think about how Philza knew, by Roier's reaction, that Cellbit wasn't going to be on that boat. Don't think about the hole that just kept on growing inside of his chest because Cellbit has always been a person he trusted but in those weeks he became so much more, someone he has come to care for, his second hand man, someone to lean on, but also someone to protect.
Don't think about Philza feeling useless because he did nothing to help his teammates.
Don't think about Philza seeing Etoiles running to the boat, how he was so close, about him begging inside to please, please, not him too, not him too, I can't lose him. About how that pleading meant nothing when the boat started to leave and he had to watch Etoiles, alone on the shore just watching it go without him, Philza unable to do anything to help. Don't think about Philza looking at Etoiles right as explosion consumed the whole Island.
Don't think about Philza looking around and realizing for the first time that Foolish is gone. About him panicking as he searches for him everywhere but he is just gone, about how someone would have to gently tell him that Foolish jumped out to try to help others but never came back. Don't think about Philza leaning against a wall, Foolish's screams for him to help during the earthquake being the only thing he could hear, feeling like a failure of a leader.
Don't think about Slime stumbling to Philza without words, hugging him for dear life, shaking so much he could barely speak. Don't think about Philza leaning into the hug with equal strength because they are everything that is left.
Don't think about Mouse coming upon them, eyes filled with tears because Cellbit was right there, Foolish was right there, and yet they didn't make it but she did, hesitating for a few seconds. About Philza and Slime opening their arms for her because Mouse is one of them too, because now they must cling to one another.
Don't think about Philza in that boat, wishing desperately that none of that is real. Begging it to be a hallucination because the alternative is far too painful.
the image of q!phil flying q!tubbo across the sky in a desperate attempt to escape will always haunt me.
i imagine his wings slowly deteriorating, phil being completely aware of how many feathers he can sacrifice before he loses his wings for good
he's supposed to be a beacon of hope for everyone on the island- the leader of team rojas, the winner of the Final Duel, the person with the most power but the person who is also the most helpless
almost all the eggs are gone, unable to be saved, and you can see the raw regret when phil realizes he should have taken dapper instead of tubbo, should have saved at least one egg from the nuclear fallout, but his wings are gone
he can't save anyone anymore. all he can do is try to pick up the pieces
Soaring Till The End - The end of Purgatory
The purgatory event was so cool and so interesting to watch, while some things were also very frustrating. I´m not ok after that ending with the eggs and the island exploding, but this was a cool moment so…
something something phil using his newly-recovered but still very weak wings to fly tubbo and himself out of danger to the point of overexertion. he crashlands into water and weakly drags himself to the ship and his wings flop weakly to his sides unable to pull the same stunt again
Oh foolish Icarus, why must you strain your wings? For if you fly too high, too far, or too long they will become beyond repair. 🪶
Elytra work for philza as prosthetics, becoming extensions of the remains of his once magnificent wings. His muscles are weak from lack of use, but the freedom to use them again is so exhilarating its hard to remember that.
As the familiar feeling of wind rushing keeps him afloat, he can ignore the aching pain in his severed wings for just a little while.
THAT'S MY FUCKING FATHER THERE! THAT'S MY FUCKING DAD!!
Cellbit, when Philza won first round of tie breaker
How poetic, Tubbo and Phil enemies from the beginning, ending with Phil holding Tubbo, flying him to safety with damaged wings
What if I cry what if I actually cry
the cinema 🚬 moment of phil flying on breaking wings while holding onto a lassoed tubbo while meteors rain down. mwah. chefs fucking kiss.
Theres something so heartbreaking and so perfectly in character about q!Phil carrying q!Tubbo to safety on failing wings. Feeling them falter, knowing there was seconds left until his wings gave out and he only just made it.
I headcanon that that flight utterly wrecked them, and thats why his wings are broken again when he gets back to quesadilla island. Something, something, q!Phil destroying himself physically and mentally to save the people he cares about.
Something about qphil and qtubbo-
Tubbo who asked Phil first what their plan was, and they talked about how to make it fair and did so. Who both admitted they wanted the same thing. Who Tubbo had already shown his skill before but when faced with the man he thought of like a father suddenly shook. Where his confidence was drained and he ran and missed his hits because how could he be fighting for the end of it all against Phil?
and Tubbo died to Phil's blame in the name of a victory they didn't know of the reward.
And then at the end of it all, when Phil realized he couldn't save any of his children, when Tubbo made himself be with the daughter when he talked to his son, Phil decided to same the only child of his he could. Tubbo.
Tubbo who clung to Phil who could kill him a second time, but didn't. Phil who had his wings breaking at the moment, tore and ruined, decided to fly with extra bagged.
Phil who held Tubbo close and made sure he wouldn't fall or get hurt, and in the embrace they held as they flew to safety was the words 'I'm sorry'
Who Tubbo stayed near as they landed and grasp his hand as he stuck close saying silently, 'all is forgiven'.
purgatory flight
(wings are based on my post from a few days ago about them getting healed by the end void)
@somerandomdudelmao OH COME ON
Song : Unfair [edit audio]
the fact that philza was able to fly but stopped because he was afraid of breaking his wings...
that brief moment of exhilaration was tainted by the anxiety of losing the little freedom he had. he knows in the back of his mind that his wings will be gone again back on quesadilla, but can't bring himself to fly because he's weak, and the eye could smite him at any moment
q!philza is one of my favorite characters on this damn smp and i'm grabbing cc!phil by the throat to stop making everything so angsty chill out man