2+2=5. "When A Lie Has Been Told Enough Times, It Becomes Real." Two And Two Is Five. Every Morning I

(this prompt was sent to someone who wasn't me ((thank you @lunapwrites and @impishtubist for this)), and i...ran with i...feel like i should apologize? also hoping i did it justice <3)

about 5k.

-

They gave out pamphlets.

Leaflets.

Pastel-colored booklets with images of smiling children plastered on every side, hoping to bandage bad news the same way they bandaged injuries. But Remus’s arm kept on bleeding through the dressings and his mother hadn’t stopped crying. There was no way to put a bandage on this bad of news.

Your kid is a monster, better get used to it.

Remus didn't remember a lot about the first few weeks after he was bitten, aside from the pamphlets. He wondered if any of the children had just been turned into something they never asked for or if they had merely caught a cold. In any case, the pamphlets were left around his house, his parents gathering all and any reading material they could find in hopes of figuring out how to make this new...thing...more bearable for their son. The way they talked around it, through fake smiles and stickers that matched the color palette.

Remus also remembered what the Healer had told his parents when they thought he had been asleep. The side effects that weren't in the booklets.

Chronic joint pain

Vomiting

Hyperhydrosis

Fatigue

Early death. Shortened lifespan.

And that last one, Remus remembered loud and clear as he stared at his three new friends, his three best friends, that he made at boarding school who weren't tiptoeing around the secret Remus had managed to keep for all of half a year. Too clever for their own good. Too caring. Too much time on their hands.

Or they had gotten too close.

"You all don't....know. You don't get it," Remus said, looking down at his hands as he sat on his four-poster, knees tucked under his chin. He tried to remember the last time he looked down at his fingers and didn't see bandages and bruises, only to find he couldn't.

"No, we do get it!" James said indignantly, staring at him with hazel eyes and glasses too big for his face, "You're our friend! What else is there to get. You're not a monster, you're not a big scary thing, you're our friend."

"Best friend," Peter agreed, and Remus looked up from his hands to see the small blonde boy nodding. Remus's eyes looked to Sirius, who had been quiet as the nervous confession spilled out of Remus's mouth, mumbled and garbled and Remus was sure he had drooled at one point. Arrogant, privileged Sirius Black, was quiet and listened, dark, thick eyebrows knitted together softly. And even after James and Peter continued to cheer him up, make him laugh, make him feel like maybe they did get it, Sirius stayed quiet and Remus would catch him glancing at him every so often, with the same look that Remus couldn't read.

Until they were alone in the bathroom, brushing their teeth, James already asleep and Peter close.

"Are you going to say anything?" asked Remus finally, "If you're...I know what you must think, I know--"

"Oh, please, go on, tell me what I think."

"You think I'm...dirty. No good. Half-breed. Don't you? Too proud to say it, especially not since James was so good about it, and Peter too. It's all over your face."

"I don't think that."

"Then say something!"

"What can I say?" Sirius asked softly, "What do you want me to say?"

"I dunno..."

"James already told you we're still friends, so you've heard that bit. Peters told you we'll wait up for you on full moons and take good notes during class. If you want to hear that I agree, then you've got it. We're still friends and I'm the only one of us who takes legible notes and you know, I....don't sleep so, the staying up part is already done."

Remus softened the arms that were wrapped protectively around his body--the last barrier he had between himself and his friends--dropping stupidly to his sides in front of Sirius Black who was perhaps the only person Remus had ever met who could maintain any sort of dignity in a dressing gown. "You don't have to."

"Shut up."

"Why have you been so quiet?"

"Why have you?"

"You're frustrating, you know. Answering my questions with questions when I'm the one who basically revealed the world's biggest secret today! I'm the one who's....sick and whatever! I'm allowed to have kept that to myself, you of all people should know what the worst looks like."

Sirius's eyes darkened for a split second and then it was just gone, replaced with an easy half-smile, "You're so dramatic, really?"

"I'm telling you all, you don't get it! It's not just a once a month thing--"

"Then tell us."

"I could die early, you know. You want to be friends with someone who could die when their sixteen? I could keel over next year for all I know!"

"Well...currently, I'm also friends with," Sirius held up his hand to count on his fingers, "Peter, who burps Irish folk songs, Marlene...who has more hair than I think anyone should and talks so fast I think she could win an award, James who does morning affirmations--"

"You've done them a few times," Remus grinned a little looking down at his feet.

"I will deny it. And then...my little brother, who is...ten and an artist. He paints." Remus laughed again this time a little louder, a little hard, "It's...watercolors? I don't know, he sends me cards sometimes. I've never had friends before this year, I'm not sure how friendships are supposed to go but...you fit right in with what I've gathered so far. Bloke who dies early."

"...Is...that better or worse than an artist?"

"Better. Definitely better."

--

Remus didn't think of the pamphlets again, not for many years. Because he made it to fifteen and suddenly there wasn't just Remus, there was Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. Because he made it to seventeen and fell in love with the boy who had told him he was definitely better than a ten-year-old artist though he had substituted silk dressing gowns for sweatpants and nights in Remus's bed. Remus never let himself make plans, convinced they were going to fall apart anyway and he'd find himself in a hospital bed with his mother and father holding onto his hands, just waiting for the end to come sooner rather than later. But with James? Remus made plans to be around for a baby in the middle of a war. Plans that involved staying alive, and building cribs. And Sirius?

Remus made all the plans with Sirius.

Study plans.

Dinner plans.

Moving plans.

Wedding plans.

Secret plans that had Remus slipping out in the middle of the night, kissing the top of Sirius's cheekbone as he slept, hoping it didn't wake him up (it always did; Remus did it anyway).

Unexpected plans when Sirius didn't return to their tiny, weathered flat, and Remus had to find out through a long-winded grapevine that his best friends had been murdered, and his almost-fiancee had been the one to do it.

Remus didn't make plans after that, for the opposite reason. Not because he thought he was going to die, but because he had no reason to live. Day in and day out, dead-end jobs that paid next to nothing, sweaters unraveling thread by thread, and Remus couldn't have cared. A rock stuck on the side of the stream, unmoving until a visit from Albus Dumbledore made Remus remember what it was like to have something to look forward to. Until that same summer, Sirius's face was on the front page of the Daily Prophet--though not in the way Remus ever thought his stunning, beautiful, charismatic, almost-fiancee-husband-life partner-better half-soul mate would be pictured in a paper.

Everything picked up. Remus met Harry, 13 years after he had first met him in a tiny blanket in his mother's arms.

James's smile.

Lily's eyes.

James's curiosity.

Lily's persistence.

Whiplash, moving back and forth between two people he would never see again, forming a connection with someone he swore he would never meet properly, his own cowardice to blame. Harry had more words now and Remus felt like he was making up for the time he hadn't heard any of them. And in one single night, everything changed. Just like that.

--

"We're in the middle of a war," Remus said.

"Deja vu, hm, babe?"

"Sirius..."

"You said yes before."

"You never asked me officially before."

"My coffee proposal was just as good as this." Sirius was smiling at him, down on one knee and ring in his hand. In the middle of the sitting room of Number 12 Grimmauld Place, while they listened to the wireless for war reports, waiting to see if they would hear Harry's name.

"I dunno, I do love coffee..."

"I love you."

"Yes."

Remus's knuckles hurt more these days; Remus noticed when Sirius put the ring on his fingers how tight it was. but Remus made plans.

--

"What do you mean I have to go back to school?" shouted Harry abruptly, pushing back from the kitchen table roughly, "I graduated."

"You didn't graduate, Harry, you have--"

"I don't care about NEWTS! No one gives a damn if I have--"

"I give a damn," Sirius said, pointedly looking at Harry firmly, "I give all the damns that you go back to school and you learn all the damn things that you didn't get to learn because you had a Dark Wizard on your back," he said.

"And the damns Sirius doesn't give, I'll give. I think I have a few lying around," Remus said and Harry rolled his eyes.

"The Auror department just said I can walk in and I have a job. I saved the entire bloody wizarding world! What's it matter if I don't have NEWT's? Isn't the point to get a job?"

"The point is to be proficient at magic, Harry," Sirius told him, "Are you?"

"Are you?" Remus snorted. Like father, like son, James was never the best at arguing either.

"I graduated," Sirius responded. "And, you can go ahead and be angry at me for this...but it's already been decided."

"What?! Why even bother asking me! Family discussion my arse! This is bullshit!"

"Mhmm," Sirius nodded but didn't flinch. Only picked up his cup of tea and took a sip, making eye contact with Remus over the top. Remus raised his own cup in response.

Remus remembered Harry crawling into bed with them that night after spending the afternoon giving both of them the silent treatment. Harry cried into Sirius's chest, his hand gripping Remus's arm tightly until he fell asleep. The next morning Remus woke up and noticed the red marks on Harry's hand-- the bruising he had to use paste for that had Sirius worrying when he looked at it.

Are you sure we don't need to go to the Healers?

They didn't.

They had other plans.

--

And Remus realized. One thing was better than making the plans.

Executing the plans.

The wedding in the backyard of Number 12. The wedding night that ended with Remus's head in the lav, and Sirius pressing a cold washcloth to his neck.

Vomiting.

Watching Harry graduate and take a breath to think about what he wanted for themselves.

Painting the kitchen. Remus had to stop every hour, even doing it by magic.

Fatigue.

Planting flowers in the backyard that Remus wasn't able to keep alive.

Planning a second wedding--this time for Harry and a boy with a big smile and a bigger heart that was able to hold Harry with care. Wedding in the middle of winter, because they had met around Christmas, and Remus was sweating through his suit.

Hyperhydrosis.

It wasn't just around full moons anymore, Remus noticed as he aged. It was all the time.

Vomiting.

Fatigue.

Hyperhydrosis.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

--

Remus woke up screaming one morning after a full moon that lasted longer than it should've in his opinion. Wolfsbane, while the most wonderful invention in his twenties, even in his early thirties, was miserable in his forties. You get to keep your mind. Remus didn't want his mind, Remus didn't want to know, or feel, or recognize any part of himself as he transformed, and tried to make his way back to being human. It would've been easier if he could just turn it off. But he couldn't. Especially when everything was getting worse. His shoulder, throbbing, aching, burning, singing the loudest amongst the other pains throughout his body.

"Baby, baby, sorry, I know it hurts," Sirius said, and Remus could barely make out his husband's face, barely registering his touch on his body his vision was so blurred.

"Sirius."

"I'm trying, baby, I'm trying, your shoulder, I can't get it back in, this is over my head."

Transformations got harder. That wasn't in the pamphlet. Remus even went back to check the pamphlets, making an absent comment to the Healer about how their reading material hadn't changed as the Healer put his shoulder back into place, though it didn't quite move the same after that. There should've been something in the leaflets that addressed what happened when you didn't die at 20, despite all odds, and now had a million things that you'd be leaving behind.

A script for Remus to follow.

Because he was coming up empty.

--

He could feel it. He could tell it was coming. His shoulder was useless. He had lost one of his canine teeth, though Sirius insisted it made him look cool. He was tired all the time, ending most days by 7pm and starting them at 10am.

He stopped teaching.

"You love your job."

"It's...an early retirement," Remus told Sirius for the millionth time. Sirius still slept on top of him and Remus was grateful that even this version of his body wasn't adverse to Sirius's touch. "Stop looking at me like that..."

"Like what?"

"Like you're trying to figure me out. I've known you forever, I know that look."

The pinched dark eyebrows, the set jaw.

"I want you to be happy. Will you be unhappy if you stop teaching?"

"Are you here?"

"Sometimes."

"Then I'm happy."

"Remus..."

"I'm happy, Sirius. I'm fine."

--

"Remus--"

"I'm fine, Sirius."

"This won't stop bleeding."

"It will."

"Remus--"

"Kiss me."

--

"Is Moony okay?" he heard Harry ask one evening. Remus had fallen asleep on the couch, just after dinner with Harry and his own family. Remus hadn't planned for grandchildren, and now they were here and Remus used every bit of energy he had on them. Harry's oldest had a loud laugh. Harrys youngest loved to run. Remus's eyes were half-closed and he desperately wanted to open them and reach out and comfort Harry.

The person he had started thinking about plans for all those years ago. Because he had time then.

And now he was running out.

Sand through an hourglass, grain by grain.

"He's fine, my love," Sirius said, though it wasn't a terribly convincing tone.

"He's..." Harry paused, "The...Dursleys had a cat... he was old. I remember. And he would sleep more and more as he got older and--"

"Hey," Sirius said softly, "Remus isn't a cat. He's always loved sleeping and now we're both ancient. I found three grey hairs the other day."

Harry gasped, "Three!? Terrible news."

"It was, I debated shaving my entire head," Sirius said, "Moony's fine, Harry."

"Would you...would you tell me if he wasn't?"

"Yeah. I would."

"Okay."

But what if I don't tell you?

--

"You're the only kid I like," Remus told Harry one afternoon when they were outside in the sun together. The only place Remus felt remotely okay anymore. Until he got too hot anyway. "I hope you know that."

"You taught."

"Teaching is very different than...birthday parties. Still the only kid I like..."

"Still?"

"My kid."

--

Remus thought back to that first conversation with Sirius at eleven, swallowing wolfsbane with shaking hands as he looked at his husband across the table.

First, he was Remus.

Then Moony.

Then my love, darling, baby, my moonlight.

"Sirius?"

"Yeah, babe?"

"I..."

I'm going to die wasn't something that could be stirred into morning coffee.

"Alright?"

"I just love you."

"I love you."

You're the only reason I bothered making plans wasn't something that could be said casually, not like the way they talked about taking a walk or sitting in the sun together.

He got to be Moony again-- this time said differently from a kid who agreed to be his at fifteen. Moony from cradle...to grave.

Then finally husband.

And Grandad Moony.

Remus got to be a lot of things.

He was sure there were more things he could plan for....but he was out of time.

This was it.

"Baby?" Remus managed, watching as the moon out the window began to rise, and he could feel it deep in his bones that this was it.

Shortened lifespan.

Early death.

"You're alright, I'll see you soon, okay?"

"I'm the bloke who dies early."

Remus held on just long enough to watch as Sirius's face registered what was happening before his eyes, a tattooed hand reaching out to Remus's face.

It wasn't his mother and father there holding his hands. It was Sirius. His last touch.

"Remus..."

"Still better than an artist?"

"Just--"

"I'm sorry."

dude did you just 'or' harry potter????!!!! anyway the point is THERE IS A HELL LOT OF US!!

Hey yo,

Where my queer, formerly gifted besties who have at one point hyper fixated on Marvel, Sherlock, Merlin, Good Omens, She-Ra and/or Harry Potter at?

Just wanna make sure I’m not alone. :)

*Bonus points if you listen to girl in red, Taylor Swift or the Neighbourhood*

Edit: holy fuck there are a lot of us 😅

okay, but THIS-

All The Young Dudes

“I’ve loved keeping your secret, Remus wanted to say, I’d keep a thousand more, for you.”

14, 24, and 25 for the ask game—happy new year !!🥳

hi! thank you for the ask and happy new year!

14) a fic you didn't expect to write: just answered here :)

24) favorite fic you read this year

i swapped my writing out for a reading a little bit more this year and here are a few of my favs:

at a suprise to absolutely no one at all the shape and sound of god (by @ dykefever on tumblr and dykesiriusblack on AO3 who i will not be tagging because they for sure are sick of my shit)

fearless liabilities by @femme--de--lettres -- this one was so fun to read. it took me longer than i would have liked to finish it, but every time i picked up where i left off it was pure joy. summer romance, summer fun, summer camp.

for your pleasure by aerid0nis/ @ steelycunt on tumblr (also not tagging because...yep)-- I've slowly been making my way through ridi's back catalogue, and this sweet lil fic is so great. my messy messy boys and first kisses.

moonlight sonata by @pancakehouse/ grumposaur on AO3. happy miscommunication Christmas fic to everyone!!!

i also read a great couple of fics for the Big Bang-Arang and I'm so excited they will be shared with y'all so soon <3

25) a fic you read this year you would recommend everyone read

*points to number 24* also if you've been following me for long enough, you uh...probably know my reading preferences.

end of year asks!

(teenagers are so fucking wild and change so much in such a short period of time sometimes

and in some universe sirius probably dropped harry off at the platform a whole head shorter with a cracking voice and awkward limbs and bony shoulders and then picked him up in december to see a completely different kid, who now sounded like James and LOOKED more like the James Sirius remembered and teared up for no reason at all.

--

Sirius wrapped his arms around Harry, realizing that this time he wasnt able to rest his chin ontop of his godsons head. He had to adjust his arms, and was caught off guard by the sheer force of Harrys embrace. Less limbs and knobby elbows; more muscle and confidence in his movements. Harry stood differently now too, less hunched over. Prouder, perhaps.

Sirius pulled away unable to form a sentence, settling for looking at Harry and the way round glasses were no longer too big for his face and the way his sideburns were growing out. The traces of peach fuzz on his chin. He could feel the tears prick the back of his eyes.

"Did Moony confund you or something? Did you try to limit his coffee intake again?" Harry asked, tilting his head in confusion.

"Hm?"

"Why are you being so weird?"

"Just missed you, kid." Sirius said, bending to take Harrys trunk but Harry stopped him.

"I've got it, I'm not sure I trust you to carry anything right now with your fuzzy brain--" Harry turned to Remus with a cheeky grin, "I think we should take our chances and have you drive."

"Oi! I am perfectly fine," Sirius said throwing an arm around Harrys shoulder and jostling him. "Did they add a class on "sassing your godfather" to the curriculum?"

"Yes, actually, Harrys got top marks," Remus teased, but caught Sirius's eyes around Harrys head. Remus and Harry were nearly each others heights.

"And in Defense too," Harry chimed in, looking at Sirius, "Did you get my last essay? I sent it to you, I even did better than Hermione. Can you carry this for me? I might've changed my mind."

And there it was.

The other half of the equation. A deeper voice that asked if Sirius still put his good marks on the board in the kitchen. Still checking to make sure Sirius was proud of him, and wrote every week, and called on the mirror on Wednesdays. Still wanted Sirius to take his trunk, and drive them back to Number 12.

Still his baby.

Just taller.)

Soft Christmas Drabbles: masterlist

Ficmas became my entire personality, here is all the things in one convenient area, in case you missed one or in case you want to re-read again

all is calm, all is bright- post-full moon christmas's arent so bad.

sweaty hands, full heart, can't lose- sirius meets the lupins.

its a wonderful life -sirius/remus watching Christmas movies. raising harry au

the best present - sirius learns to knit. wolfstar/raising harry au

a letter to you - remus gives sirius a gift. wolfstar @ hogwarts

grandmas cookies - on grief, love, and baking. wolfstar/raising harry au

traditions - lily and sirius have a christmas tradition of their own. (lilypad friendship fic)

do you not want to kiss me (pt 1) - jily, under the mistletoe

do you not want to kiss me (pt 2)- jily and a first kiss.

are we going to do this then?- jily, under the mistletoe, take two

good things take time - soft christmas moment with sirius/harry, raising harry au

ghosts - sirius drinks with ghosts...and his godson.

simply the best - lily convinces sirius to go to the slug club party with her. lily and sirius friendship fic.

a room of ones own- remus and harry surprise sirius for christmas.

"They made each other better."

i hate nate! I FUCKING HATE NATE!!! i dont i have it in me to ever EVER sympathize with him!!!! he is a fucking asshole and i dont know what this makes me but i would love it LOVE IT if fez beat him up again!!

also the audacity????! THE FUCKING AUDACITY to say sorry after THAT?????? maddie babe baby oh my god i just wanna hug you!!! its just so fucked up!!

fuck you nate!

also cassie, what the fuck?!

kids remind me, often, of the things i've taught myself out of.

i have a big dog. he looks like a deer. he is taller than most young children. while we were on a trail the other day, a boy coming our direction saw us and froze. he took a step back and said: "i'm feeling nervous. your - your dog is kind of big."

goblin and i both stopped walking immediately. "he is kind of a big dog," i admitted. "he's called a greyhound. they are gentle but they are pretty tall, which is kind of scary, you're right. their legs are so long because they are made for running fast. i am sorry we scared you. would you like us to stand still while you move past us, or would you feel more safe in your body if we move and you stay still?'

"oh. i didn't know that about - greyhounds. i think i ... i want to stay still," he said. at this point, his adult had caught up to us. "i'm nervous about the dog," he told her, "so i'm - i'm gonna stay still." she didn't argue. she didn't make fun of him. she just smiled at him and at me and held his hand while goblin and i, with as wide of a berth as we could make, crept our way through.

behind us, i heard him exhale a deep breath and kind of laugh - "he was really big, huh? she said it's because greyhounds have to go fast."

"he was big," she said. "i understand why that could have made you a little scared."

"yeah. next time i - next time do you think i could maybe ask to touch him? when - i mean, next time, maybe, if i'm not nervous."

later, going to a work event, in the big city, i stood outside, trembling. my social anxiety as a caught bird in my chest. i took a deep breath and turned to my coworker. she's not even really my friend yet. i told her: "i feel nervous about this. i am not used to meeting new people, ever since covid."

she laughed, but not in a mean way. she said she was nervous too. she reached her hand out and held mine, and we both took another deep breath and walked in like that, interlinked. a few people asked us - together? - and i told the truth: i feel nervous, and she's helping. over and over i watched people relax too, admitting i feel really kind of shy lately actually, thank you for saying that.

the next time i go to an event, and i feel a little scared, i ask right away: wanna hold hands? this feels a little dangerous. i hesitate less. i don't hide it as much. i watch for other people who are also nervous and say - it's kinda hard, huh?

i know, logically, i'm not good at asking for help. but i am also not good at noticing when i need help. i've trained myself out of asking completely, but i've also trained myself to never accept my own fears or excuses. i have trained myself to tamp down every anxiety and just-push-through. i don't know what i'm protecting myself from - just that i never think to admit it to anyone.

but every person on earth occasionally needs comfort. every person on earth occasionally needs connection. many of us were taught independence is the same thing as never needing anything.

each of us should have had an adult who heard - i feel nervous and held our hand and asked us how we could be helped to feel safe. no judgement, and no chiding. many of us did not. many of us were punished for the ways that we seemed "weak".

but here is something: i am an adult now. and i get nervous a lot, actually. and if you are an adult and you are feeling a little nervous - come talk to me. we can hold hands and figure out what will help us feel safe in our bodies. and maybe, next time, if we're brave, we can pet the dog that's passing.

!!!!

on my knees BEGGING for dorlene ff recs cause ever since i’ve caught up on thtf i’ve been craving a fix

ngl i am also on my knees begging 🤧 i have not yet found like a longer multi ch dorlene fic that i personally vibe with so if anyone has recs please send them my way!! in the meantime here are my favorite dorlene single ch fics/oneshots

Hey Dorcas by moonymoment on ao3 (@blurryayse)

14k words, beautifully written friends to lovers fic that follows marlene + dorcas at hogwarts slowly growing together and falling in love. v sweet and good if you want a happy ending!!

let the ghosts sleep tonight by outlaw_baby on ao3 (if anyone happens to know whether they have a tumblr pls lmk so i can tag them!)

7k words, gut-wrenchingly poetic fic about dorcas and marlene getting together during the first wizarding war. rewired my brain chemistry but super heavy on the angst

As The Light Disperses by blanketed_in_stars on ao3 (@blanketed-in-stars)

4k words, following dorcas and marlene’s relationship during the first wizarding war. also beautifully written, also very heavy on the angst

marlene mckinnon is not a coward. by AllThisAndLoveTooWillRuinUs on ao3 (@wishingitwerewolfstar)

6k words, also following marlene and dorcas during the first wizarding war so there is once again plenty of angst but this one has a slightly happier ending 💕

sweet as rot by vaindumbass on ao3 (again, if anyone happens to know their tumblr pls lmk!!)

7.3k words, au where dorcas and marlene are the ones to kill peter and go to azkaban instead of sirius. super super heavy angst but i love the writing it cracked me like an egg and scrambled me in a pan

‘81 by an anonymous ao3 user

4.7k words, au where marlene survived the war but everything else stayed the same, so it’s not dorlene so much as marlene figuring out how to move on after dorcas’s death which…yeah heavy angst once again lol (but beautifully written, of course 💕)