I Am Sick, But How?

Screaming About Nothing

Lately everybody has been screaming about nothing

While I have been thinking about something

I write too much

And say too little

But maybe my words were just meant for paper

Lately it feels like my only friends

Are my colorful pens

Lately it seems like relationships are just dead ends

That die as fast as well spent weekends

I hang on like a loose tooth

That doesn’t believe that the tooth fairy afterlife is the truth

I feel like I stick around like an old cold

That’s got a gnarly hold

And I tell myself to

Put down the needle

Put down the thread

And stop sowing this tangled web

But I've got spiders in my hair

Arachnids are everywhere

I'm cursed

But I will wait

Until you become my prey

Someday

Fight or Fight

I must fight

Anxiety wants me to flight

I have to go against my natural instincts

I cannot blink I wish I had an understudy for my life

You can't know about my thoughts of stripping bark

My brain as sharp as a pocket knife

You are not where I want you, get back in the dark Writing to win

Losing instead

Not wanting to gamble, so far not taking the free spin

I need to stop with the lead No more of this weak space

All my poetry I should erase

My nightmare of my Achilles's heel getting wounded came true

Is this new? I should have seen it coming

I am back to owning nothing

My body is numbing

No pillow for fluffing Broken trust

You use the excuse of caring

I won't hesitate anymore when I burn bridges to dust

I understand what I'm going to have to be bearing All of the decisions after another decision

I will make with the most precision

My fear,

Is that I won't manage to get off this revolving sphere

Hands

When I put my hands together it didn’t feel right,

Because it’s not your hand that’s in my hold

In the middle of the night,

I am cold

At most

I get to hold your ghost

At the movies we held hands

I thought you'd turn into air between my fingers, that is not something I could stand

I am so attached,

To how we matched

If I told my male guardian about you, he might attack,

And be on my back,

Riding me like a bull, steering me crazy

Get off me; my vision is not hazy

I see the red flags

You give me tightly packed, zipped up, emotional bags

I should take the hint and move on

I’ll take my luggage with me

Put on my big girl shoes and be gone

You'll never see,

You’ve hurt me so many times and I never learn

On you, I can’t place the blame

I still don’t get why you make my stomach churn

What a shame

What I don’t want him to know is that I have a blue jay

If he knew, he’d try to convince my eyes to see that blue jays are mean

I have a bird, isn’t something I'm going to say

I won’t listen because I'm a rebel; towards blue jays I'll lean

I don’t want to stop holding your hand

It feels like sand

Mine are softer than expected

I don’t know about you but I feel connected

Big Loud People

Big loud people

Who can’t go a second without talking

Crowding my introverted type of brain

I'm a small person

Who needs to recharge from hectic chaos

Then they yelled out that they were leaving

And a sigh of relief went out the door as they left

They backed out of the driveway as if the house was blowing its nose

And the house breathed in a silence

A comforting silence

A refreshing spring breeze

That blew the curtains and the weight off my chest

After a while the silent stillness

Brought in the ghosts

That were guided in by the light white curtains shimmying around

Strong?

I change daily

I'm not far from the brink

Closer than you may think

The word strong used on me, is laughable

I'm mad instead of joking gaily

I'm mad as hell

In a mess of my written words, I'm loud and mean and mad!

Then I become sad

Those two last line words are so vague

In this place I need to rebel

Oh, Ms. Hale

You can’t see it but I'm kicking and screaming!

I'm wonderstruck trying to stop myself from dreaming

I am scared of words; I'm scared to speak the name Voldemort!

I want to pay my own bail

Amy,

I believe you are temptingly wrong,

About me being superhumanly strong

That’s just not human and I'm just a little homo sapien,

Living in a big world, that can’t tame me

Just because of a worksheet, not your notepad

You think I have great strength on the inside

Yes I can be snide

Does that make sense?

I’m just saying, I'm stubbornly mad

Wings

They had their adventures.,

Stolen from me

Because every history teacher will tell you not to repeat history

When I have costly dentures,

You’ll still be polluting the planet

With your fossil fuel consuming machines

Let me have MY own fun alone

Stretching my wings; You banned it!

You cautiously clipped ‘em right off

It was all for me; Done in the name of love

You did it out of worry

Keep me in the bubble, thought you fed me through a trough

Pruned wings reality

And lately you’re mad at me for not flying

You held me back with the help of English

Your impeding knives are the cause of my brutality

Will my feathers solder themselves back to-get-her to get him?

If they do, I will fly free

I want to go higher than my far mates have gone

No one claps as my light grows dim

I hope to have lungs that breathe in space

Break out of this soon slow to die universe

Where nothing will exist

Not your face

My soring muscles have taken shape

They hurt my back

Now people can’t see my incomprehensible story

I should wear a cape,

To hide my bald, ugly duckling wings

I plucked them myself; Aren’t you proud?

“Safety comes first”

The raw, tender pain still strikingly stings

Sos Is No Longer

I don’t want to be a rock

And I no longer want to be an island

I don’t want to be superman anymore

I also don’t want to be saved

Because it never works out,

When someone else is wearing the cape

I'm the one who rides this roller coaster

That is truly,

Made for only one

I must learn to accept

What I never have

Because I can’t live my life in a false reality

People say that I'm smart

Yet I fail more than the average person

People say that I'm strong

Yet I hurt more than the average person

And for honesty, I write because I'm so sensitive

And I'm tired of climbing mountains With new people

Sos

Is no longer

A silent thing I scream

I want to sink

Into this cold water

And drown in my life

I keep finding myself

Stuck on the same ship,

The ship of Theseus

Underdogs

Hey now,

What happened to being proud of being an underdog?

What happened to wearing the pain like a badge of honor?

The only badge I’ll get to wear

Because I am not smart

I've just gotten really good at faking

And faking gets you nowhere

That’s why I'm now here,

In this damned place for public humiliation and I'm supposed to be grateful

Hey now,

Let’s bare our teeth

We make it by the skin of them

There's nothing quite like an artist’s pain,

The heart trying to leave the body through the throat

You know it’s bad when your own heart wants out

It rips itself from the chest

As if it were merely attacked with Velcro

Weak

Hey now,

We don’t play horribly safe

But risks and gambling are the only way we can live with ourselves

And we never fucking learn

Making the same mistakes

As if we were geniuses in our tattered shoes

We continue on living like we knew something else ought to happen

Fools is what we are

And we’re too damned stubborn to change our ways

Hey now,

Sometimes you get to taste the sea on your salty lips, 

And they can’t

This whole place is friggin rigged

Just deport me already

I know too much,

Of depression

Because I became so lonely

Without something, anything

Hey now,

Where are the others?

Now is our time to join

To stop the artists’ creative pain

And stupidity

Of thinking that writing, painting, drawing, singing, playing,

Is going to stop it

Like staying up late working overtime for free,

Is going to get you anywhere

Hey now,

There’s supposedly baseball stadiums full of you

Who stay home to avoid getting bullied

If adults think that your education is so important

Then why do they make you feel so bad?

Hypocrites!

Guys stay home,

The lessons they teach in school

Have only taught me to hate myself

Hey now,

Let’s not become our own bullies

Let’s just do something

Like raise hell

Gotta fuck up this world some more

Because apparently leaving without making a mark, isn’t good

But as underdogs

We are stuck wearing choke chains

And muzzles

Hey now,

Class E is a proud class

Full of assassins

Let’s be like them

Get disappointed

Then build yourself up

Don’t let brick walls stop you

Don’t let gravity get you down

And don’t let tornadoes twist and turn you into a hot mess

Hey now,

They don’t know our pain,

Of working hard for nothing But as underdogs we are the people that keep coming, we’re the people that live

They don’t know about the ghost

The ghost of good ‘ol Tom Joad 

Pages

I don’t know what love is

I just can’t wrap my head around it

Like the size of the universe

Love makes people do crazy things, but it just usually makes me curse

How could you not lose hope and keep lining up shells?

Because of love

I am third wheeling it

And it’s lonely

But not for the lovers, only

They are unconsciously awake

Let’s travel

And get a plane ticket

To a place where our hearts don’t feel heavy with atmosphere

Dear,

Let’s start again

Even if I feel like a spring…

Stressed out

Is how I work

Otherwise

I just sit on my ass instead of taking to the skies

I need to get away to any other place

A new reality where I will not be a sad tragedy

But will have a happily ever after

Filled with much laughter

Because any other place has got to be better  

I currently live in a deep cave of a library, that’s full of empty dreams

I stare at the ceiling as I scream with laryngitis

And I feel the shelves towering over me, all around

I'm a story that someone forgot to put down

And I just want to be put on the shelf

Sometimes it seems like I can see the most clearly when I am blinded by tears

Because that’s when I'm not avoiding my feelings

It’s like I am able to see the lopsided way the world moves

The inner working grooves

That are so complicatingly simple

I wonder not when, but if the pieces will ever fall together

Being the mismatching misfit that I am

I don’t know if I am a puzzle that can be put together; maybe I was made wrong

All along,

A factory mishap

I want you to hold me as close as pages of a book that are bound to the spine

Because maybe

You could force and weld pieces of me together and get readjusted

As I fall apart and become more rusted

Like the tin man  

I have a heart

I just don’t like to let on to that,

It’s actually not stone cold at all

It’s quite the opposite

It’s all mushy and squishy

I Can't

I can't

Stupid head

I should be thankful

While writing this others feel as if they were lying in their death bed I can't

What is wrong with me

I'm so messed up

I wish someone could get me but their middle name is absentee I can't

I should be lucky I have an umbrella for the rain

But I'm too befouled

Others are in pain I can't

It feels like I'm cheating

You can find rhyming words on the Internet

A "good enough mother" is what I'm needing I can't

I used to despise being called honey

I'm going to be thinking about both of you for eternity

You are mine if I pay you money I can't

I can't stand it

The same thing every time

I can't throw a fit I can't

I can't write

Who can help?

For once I'm ready to fight I can't

In my life I'm confused

This little pointless poem

My heart severely bruised I can't

My life I find perplexing

I am vinegar to myself

My feelings I keep deflecting