21.06.2018

I’m tired. Tired of everything. It’s never gonna end.

Ma tahan. Ma tahan olla piisav. Ma tahan olla võimeline hakkama saada. Ma tahan suuta elada päevast päeva teadmisega, et mind ootab järgmine päev. See viga mu peas, see “haigus” või lihtsalt omapära omab võimaliku letaalset tagajärge. Ma võin tahta kasvõi kuud säramas enda toas, kuid kahjuks tahtmisest ei piisa.

Ma armastan seda maailma. Armastan neid pisikesi hetki, kuid ka suuremaid sündmusi ja elamusi. Ma tahan näha rohkem. Ma tahan elada. Kuid kahjuks ma pole võimeline. Ma ei andnud alla, ei. Vahest elu ei lähe nii nagu me loodame ja see on okei. Ma leppisin sellega. Südamest loodan, et te suudate ka sellega kunagi leppida.

Ma armastan teid

09.11.2018

Среда

17:15

•30 таблеток

18:00

•на меня орут. Спрашивают чего сколько. Не дают уснуть. Кейт бегает туда сюда. Элииса будя меня чуть ли не плакала. —-

•работники педиатрии

•интенсив

•кома, катетер, капельница, зонд

•ноги и руки привязаны к кровати.

Четверг

14:28

•опять в отделении

•мама

И СЛИШКОМ МНОГО ЧЕГО И Я НЕ СДОХЛА

06.05.2018

Я очень сильно хочу чтобы всё это прекратилось. Я устала рыдать целыми днями. Я устала притворятся счастливой. Я устала уродовать своё тело лезвием. Я устала. Я так сильно устала. Я очень сильно. Хочу. Чтобы. Всё. Прекратилось.

Я так больше не могу.

Hüvasti jätmine on alati nii keeruline. Kuid üks asi on jätta hüvasti lootusega kohtuda või mõelda kuidas selle inimese elu edasi läheb.

Hüvasti jätmine, kui tead et sinu elutee nüüd lõppeb ja sa ei saa kunagi teada kuidas see teisi mõjutab on teist sorti valu.

It’s okay not to feel okay.

Valiku omamine on tähtis. Kahjuks tunnen end hetkel olukorras, kus mul pole mingit valikut. Ma olen kadunud ja ei mõista, mis toimub. Kaotasin jalutusrihma ja nüüd keegi teine navigeerib mu elu.

Ma tahan ohjad tagasi saada.

06.10.2018

Я устала.

Я перестала думать на какое-то время что смерть это выход. Выход откуда? От чего я бегу? С чем я не могу справится? Знаете... думаю о своих поступках и просто... будь я кем-то другим то я бы ненавидела такого человека как я. Таким как я желают смерти. Но я хуже. Люди любят меня. Но просто они не знают какая я. Они не знают на сколько я гнилая. Лживая тварь.

Я ПРИДУМАЛА КАК СЕБЯ УБИТЬ

Hey Marco!

I wanted to thank you for making me to understand my worth. Thank you for destroying everything I’ve been trying to build only let me guess... whole my life?

You know that feeling when whole your life you have only been falling and falling, somewhere deep down. Feeling that you’ve spent whole life nowhere being no one- nothing.

I’ve lived like that. One day I realised that I want to live. I saw my own reflection and you know what... I knew that I’m gonna live. Not just exist but actually live life worthy life. That one day I’ll be truly happy.

But why I don’t feel like that anymore? Why can’t I see my bright future anymore?

One night. One night can change everything. I honestly hate you for that. Bringing back everything I was trying to bury so many years.

Please, just travel back in time. Try to remember how many times you heard word “NO”. I know that English isn’t your first language but you fucking know what means NO. I said it at least 7 fuckin seven times. I remember you telling me “but you’re so hot”, so? are you gonna put your dick inside of every “hot girl”?

I feel like it was my fault that I didn’t punch you or wasn’t trying to run away. But you knew that I wasn’t able to do it that moment. You fucked me me while I couldn’t move. You saw me having a panic attack, you asshole.

I’ll tell you what happened when I left your place:

I cried, screamed, laughed. I was going insane. Be thankful that I went to a mental hospital. Because I was gonna kill myself with a note in my pocket that it’s your fault.

I’ve spent more than a two months in a hospital. I have flashbacks every... fuckin every day.

It’s really hard to make me hate someone. But I really hate you with whole my heart.

I just want to ask you one question... why?

Didn’t you know that when for you is just putting hard dick in and out of girls body can destroy her whole life?

For you it was one night fun. For me... I’ve been in your room again and again. I feel physically that pain, that fear almost every day.

28th January 2020 have been worst day of this year.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. If I’ll get rid of all these nightmares and panic attacks.

I would understand if you kill someone physically and you’re sorry for that BUT if you kill someone’s soul just to cum. Then please burn in hell.

With whole my hate

- girl you killed

it was a good story a great story even but as any good story this one comes to an end

I’m losing my mind again. But now I lost my battle to the life. To boring regular person life. Pandemic is taking the best of us. At first I loved being isolated but I need to travel, I need to visit concerts, I need to get these emotions. I don’t want to go back to drugs. I want to end my life. I want some extreme emotions and when u don’t know if you’ll be alive tomorrow or not bc u took 300 pills is a feeling I crave for. What’s wrong w me?