A Summer Day

the suffering never ends

stuck in the constant limbo between “really excited about my own writing” and “pretty sure I can’t actually write”

Meals became the one time of day […] to be together – and I met them with equal parts […] and dread. Would today be the day I engaged Allison […] stand up to Diego’s taunts? Maybe I’d show Five the violin piece I’d been working on for weeks.

Though prone to arrogance and outbursts, even more than the average preteen, Five was my sole confidante in the years before he disappeared. It almost seemed fitting […] the siblings to leave us, it would be him who [I fully?] […] who fully trusted me. Five was […] always one […] Dad’s manipulations, and he […]-ites like my other siblings. Five […] man’s most […]-ive weakness […] compen… […] beyond […]

One morning, I left the Academy […] with clothes, snacks, and mementos […] I think I even brought a dream catcher […] from home following me wherever I went […] a bus stop, and I sat there all day long – and strangers […] first time in my life it hit me that I was completely alone. I thought I was alone my entire life, but this was new and entirely different. I was afraid of what I [didn’t know?] and would choose Dad’s torment any day over the [endless dark that stretched?] down our street. [Buses came?] […] the kind drivers away. That night I walked back […] the front doors, and no one knew I had even left to the […]. I wonder how long it would have taken them to realize the extra girl they never needed was […] existence? To this day, I’m not sure. The next time that […] was when we all did. After what happened to Ben.

Our everyday existence was full of evidence that Dad had […]-pped into treating us like experiments. Not as children, but like animals. And what happened to Ben was the last straw that finally shattered the illusion for the others, I regret that […] among what they realized that day. I didn’t […] to leave on my own. It wasn’t until Allison took off for Hollywood and Diego cursed out the old man for good […] [realized?] we were ultimately a broken family. I […] that my family would accept me into the fold. I […] as long as there was a club to belong to, one day […] notice me and invited me too. Everyone would say “Vanya, we can’t believe we’ve wasted so much time without you, you’re our sister after all.”

But it was then that I realized […] there was nothing for me to aspire to be anymore. It was […] – the life that I had wanted for as long as I could remember […] had finally fallen apart: Without The Umbrella Academy […] and the freedom to be whomever I chose. Suddenly my violin playing wasn’t stupid – it was something that made me special.

I would say it was Dad who implemented all of this. He caused my alienation through procedures, through harsh rules that we all followed for fear of the alternative. And to an extent, that’s all true. I can’t forgive what he did to me – but sometimes I wonder where Dad’s actions ended and by siblings’ began. When you consider what a mind, especially a young mind, will absorb and harness when put into dire situations, it’s not at all difficult to believe that my siblings learned cruelty from Dad until they eventually made it their own. It wasn’t just the rules keeping me out of top-secret meetings, anymore. It just made sense that I would sit at the end of the table, so Diego could help Five’s technique, or so Allison could paint Klaus’s fingernails. I became accustomed to sulking and watching them from afar – […] my morning oatmeal went uneaten and but thoroughly […]

Highlights:

Five was Vanya’s closest sibling and the one person who treated her like an equal

Five is not an angry old man from his apocalypse time, he’s just like that

Vanya once tried to run away, and when she came back, nobody even noticed she was gone

Hargreeves treated them like lab rats (but we knew that)

Ben’s death changed everything

Diego cursed out Hargreeves (Go Diego Go!)

Allison painted Klaus’ fingernails as teens

Vanya just hates that goddamn oatmeal

I would love for them to publish Vanya’s book as a companion to the series. This tea is piping hot, and I wanna figure out which part made Ben say “Oh my god, she wrote that? I can’t believe she would do that!”

mike wheeler:

me:

If it's okay, could you write a meta on harry potter? Not the series but the character. And maybe discuss some of his dynamics with others if it's not too much?

Harry issuch an under-appreciated character, which is somewhat ridiculous given thatnot only is he the protagonist but he’s a well-written and multi-faceted character,with a lot of nuances, a compelling backstory and great dynamics with many ofthe main characters. Yet parts of the HP fandom will literally hate on him foranything; today I ran across a post which blasted a twelve-year-old Harry fornot financially supporting the Weasley, ignoring the fact that, you know, he’s twelve and the fact that theWeasleys would in no way ever accept Harry’s money.

Harryovercomes a lot throughout his life, and this is even before the whole ChosenOne crap was placed on his very young shoulders. For the first eleven years ofhis life, Harry literally never experienced love, support, affection or evenproper care. He was often neglected, at times outright abused by the Dursleys,and I think these years and these circumstances shaped Harry more than thefandom tends to recognise. A lot of his stubbornness and refusal to seek helpfrom adults would have stemmed from this, as he spent eleven years believingthat adults couldn’t or wouldn’t help him. His generosity and caring naturealso probably stems from this, having experienced neither in early years of hislife, he has a desire to share both.

Harryalso has a deep aversion to fighting and negativity, and unlike Ron andHermione, he derives no pleasure from arguing or fighting. He gets genuinelyupset whenever Ron and Hermione take their verbal sparring too far, oftensnapping at them and telling them to let it go. Harry spent so many years in avolatile environment, so many years where a single wrong word or look couldproduce an explosion, that his natural instinct is to avoid conflict andarguments, which is somewhat ironic given the argumentative natures of both ofhis best friends.

Harry isa character who doesn’t change much over the series. This isn’t to say that hedoesn’t grow or evolve as acharacter. He definitely undertakes his own journey, and goes from an isolatedand insecure young boy into a strong and heroic young adult. But who he is athis core never really changes. He holds onto his goodness, his self-righteousnessand his “saving people” attitude until the very end. If you look at hischaracterisation in the first novel compared to his characterisation in thelast novel, it is remarkably similar. He is still a person who will walk intocertain death to save others, still a person who believes in bravery and doingthe right thing, and even if his faith in those around him has been tested andstretched – and in some cases broken – his general belief in the good in theworld prevails.

Harry is such a genuinely good person, like,there are few characters out there who contain as much goodness and forgivenessas Harry does. He is always genuinely outraged and upset at what he perceivesto be wrongdoings, such as Snape’s unfairness and favouritism or Umbridge’s reignof terror. He also refuses to kowtow to authority if he believes they are inthe wrong, such as when both Fudge and Scrimgeour try to sway him to theirsides. Harry’s genuine goodness and belief in what is right, in what is fair is one of his defining charactertraits, and it amazes me that a lot of the fandom does not seem to see or acknowledgethis side of him.

I havealways found Harry to be quite an isolated character, and I believe that thistoo stems from his upbringing and his life with the Dursleys. Growing up in anenvironment where he received no support, where he had no friends and no familymembers who paid attention to him turned Harry into a very self-sufficient andsolitary person, and if you look closely at his inter-personal relationships, itbecomes apparent that all of his close relationships are with people who arealso isolated and/or lonely in their own way.

Ron andHarry bond almost instantly when the two meet on the Hogwarts Express, bothdelighted to make one another’s acquaintance. Despite his large family, Ron isalso a solitary person, not being particularly close to any of his siblings andoften feeling fierce competition with them. Harry not having had a singlefriend before in his life is keen to make one, but even at this young age candistinguish between a genuine offer of friendship (Ron) and a friendship whichmay come with strings attached or an inequality within the dynamic (Malfoy).

DespiteRon’s occasional jealousy (which is nowhere near as fierce or as prevalent asparts of the fandom would have you believe) Ron and Harry’s friendship is anequal partnership, mirroring that of James and Sirius. Both Ron and Harryhave a penchant for trouble making, and Ron does occasionally come across assomewhat callous and cruel, but both have a deep desire to do good and believein bravery and heroics, all of which bonds them and cements their friendship. Ithink they recognise the loneliness and desire for close bonds in one another,and both give and take over the course of the friendship, providing one of thestrongest friendships on the written page.

Harry’sfriendship with Hermione is somewhat different. While again, he has bonded withsomeone who is quite an isolated character and he is close to Hermione andobviously cares for her deeply, his dynamic with her is neither as free or as easy as his dynamic with Ron. He and Hermione are close to one another, butthey are both closer to and connect better with Ron than they do with eachother, and this is evident whenever the two spend long periods of time togetherwithout Ron’s presence, such as when Harry and Ron have their falling outduring GoF or when Ron leaves them during Deathly Hallows. When Harry is withRon one-on-one it is still easy and fun, but when it is just him and Hermione,things are different, and it really does show how integral Ron is to the Trio,and how his presence balances the dynamic within the group.

Harry’srelationships with people outside of the main Trio also reflect this tendencyto bond with isolated and/or lonely characters, as evidenced by his closefriendship with Luna and even his romantic relationship with Ginny. Bothgirls are initially presented as isolated characters who gain friends over thecourse of the books. Luna in particular is a very lonely soul, and I thinkHarry’s fondness for her stems from him relating to this loneliness.

EvenHarry’s relationships with the adults in his life follow the same pattern, asthe four closest adult friendships he has – Sirius, Lupin, Hagrid andDumbledore – are all with figures who are quite isolated. Sirius, of course,being incarcerated for much of his life and having lost all his friends hasbecome an isolated figure, and his relationship with Harry seems to combinethat of cool uncle and nephew with the dynamic of best friends. As much asSirius does genuinely love and care for Harry, there is a part of him that does see Harry as a James substitute,but the same can be said for the way in which Harry views Sirius, as asurrogate parental figure, as well as someone who can provide a link to hisparents.

Lupin andHagrid both also provide this link in their own ways, Lupin more so thanHagrid, having been a Marauder and someone who was close to both James andSirius. Harry’s relationship with Lupin feels somewhat like a mentorship which gradually moves into genuine friendship. His relationship with Hagrid, ofcourse, is just beautiful from the start and develops into one of the deepestand most heartfelt relationship of Harry’s. Hagrid, too, is another somewhatisolated soul, spurned for his freakish size and odd attachment to dangerouscreatures.

Harry’s relationship with Dumbledore really deserves its’ own meta, I feel like entirevolumes could be written about the nuances, intricacies and levels of thatrelationship, but once more, it shows Harry bonding with someone who has hadtheir fair share of isolation and loneliness, and who can identify with thepain and struggle Harry faces over the course of the series.

All up,Harry is just a wonderful character, rich, multi-faceted and very endearing. Ihave always loved Harry for his big heart, his desire to do what’s right, his stubbornnessand the determination he applies to every task he undertakes. He really is awoefully under-appreciated character and I often feel that the fandom ignoreshim and overlooks how amazing he actually is, and that is a real pity, becausethey’re missing out on a great character by doing so.

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what pissed me off about the writing in regard to liz/echo this season is that is feels SO manufactured.

liz knows better than this. her going behind his back to do her experiments on his biology is SUCH a massive betrayal considering how he told her from the get-go he didn't want to be a science experiment but even that aside there is no way in hell that the aliens wouldn't have been found out if she had succeeded. it's like she was blinded by her need for glory (yes, glory) that she stopped caring that she was putting pretty much everyone she loves in danger. she didn't see what happened to nora and the other aliens, but kyle and michael did. maybe that's her disconnect there. liz can be brilliant without alien dna to steal!

that's why white people writing latinos (and poc in general) never lands right. liz became a caricature of herself this season. i'm latina and do not find this storyline uplifting or do i feel represented well by it. it makes us look bad which is exactly what liz was trying to avoid and i 100% blame that on trying to write someone else's experiences.

obviously she and max will reconcile end up together and get married etc so in the long run this won't matter but max was not wrong for blowing up the lab and writing it like MAX needs to grow to be a good partner is like? all he did this season was give liz space and trust her while she went behind his back. i'm not gonna villianize his trauma or his addiction to the serum. he is a good boyfriend. i hope/think he blew it up partly do drive her away because he only has ~months to live~ or something and wants to avoid causing her more pain but even if not i still believe liz was in the wrong and the fact that the writers don't GET that blows me away 🤭

you were raised in comparison.

it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.

you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.

you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.

what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.

it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.

you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.

you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?

a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.

you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.

it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.

something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.

some fucking resources for all ur writing fuckin needs

body language masterlist

a translator that doesn’t eat ass like google translate does

a reverse dictionary for when ur brain freezes

550 words to say instead of fuckin said

638 character traits for when ur brain freezes again

some more body language help 

Ooo can you do some hc's or a fic where Richie's feeling like dead weight to the group, and starts to seperate himself because he feel like he's annoying everyone?

holy guacamole just stab me in the heart okay also btw this is modern

-richie’s always known he was annoying

-certain people just kinda know

-he’s been told so many times, by his peers and parents alike so he’s just kind of come to accept it. he makes jokes to cope with childhood trauma. he oversexualizes things because he’s scared of his sexuality, it just be like that sometimes

-but recently he’s been feeling kinda different and it’s hard for him to articulate it but it just feels wrong. 

-it started as a joke actually. go figure right? richie ends up being the butt of his own joke. he wanted to see if he could go the whole day without contacting his friends. he didn’t anything on instagram or snapchat. didn’t respond to anybody’s stories. no texts or calls or memes or likes or anything. 

-and it’s not like he expected some big hoopla in the groupchat like OMG WHERE’S RICHIE IS HE DEAD but he at least anticipated some sort of reaction

-maybe from stan y'know? like “this groupchat isn’t making me want to kill. myself, where’s rich?” but no. there was nothing. and it wasn’t like the chat was dead either, bill was going off on this whole big rant about the solar system or some lame shi like that and not once for the entire day did anyone say anything to or about richie 

-he didn’t receive any calls or texts sending him things or asking where he was. and that made him feel something painful in his chest. so he tried it again the next day, maybe it was a fluke. maybe everyone was just busy with their own things to notice richie’s little experiment. but the next day was the same as the first, there was no sign of richie and no one seemed to notice

-this little experience led richie down a dark path. he eventually started wondering how big of a nuisance he actually was. how annoying did the others really find him? had he really overestimated how much his friends cared about him for this long? and you might think this is dramatic but hello this is richie tozier

-and maybe richie would try to like not go to school just to see if anyone would notice but he ends up going anyway because contrary to popular belief my boy’s wicked smart and he wouldn’t want to fall behind on his work

-so he goes to school but he’s quiet and that’s very different for him. he refrains from making ‘your mom’ jokes, he’s not really laughing at anything or doodling. he just goes, does his work, and goes home. 

-this routine continues for like two days before bev is finally like ‘alright asshole what gives are you sick or something?”

-and he’s like no?? wym

-”you’ve been quiet and a little mopey all week and it’s giving me the heebee jeebies what’s up with you?”

-so he explains what he’s been feeling “not like anyone would care but” and he tells bev that he’s felt like deadweight and unimportant and she almost crIES because richie is her best friend and she feels terrible for making him see himself that way

-bev tells him that she’s so incredibly sorry for making him feel obsolete and he’s like “it’s really okay like #notmad and it wasn’t just you anyway”

-so naturally bev tells EVERYONE and they all show up to richie’s house after school and swarm him with apologies and hugs and richie’s almost crying bc 1. he’s a big baby and 2. he loves his friends so much?? and affection is the best??

-eddie starts crying (obvs) just talking about how much he loves his boy and that he was just swamped with homework but that didn’t mean that richie wasn’t important 

-mike and ben obviously give richie the bIGGEST hugs of his entire life and sidenote: mike and richie are pals and whenever richie feels upset he goes to mike for a hug and mike just kinda holds him for 5ever but that’s only ever in private but he’s doING IT RIGHT NOW because he loves richie & doesn’t care who knows it

-bill’s like “i l-love you m-m-man, i never would’ve got this f-f-far without you” and bev is like “i tOLd you we loved you”

-stan is kind of shook the most because he calls richie annoying on the daily so he feels bad but richie’s like “no ur my best friend you have the right to call me annoying”

-they all have a big sleepover and live happily ever after bc richie is feeling loved and appreciated the end