I Think Andrew's Desperation To Live Is A Little Overlooked In The Fandom. It's Not Explicitly Stated

brat summer is over, let witch bitch autumn begin

As someone who is also touch averse a lot I just can’t stop thinking about Andrew. Like a popular head cannon is that he reads a lot.. and like couples are always cuddling or casually touching in books and shows, and I’m just thinking about him seeing that and seeing Neil and just, having such intense bursts of wanting to do that. But then when thinking about actually doing it it’s immediate revulsion… anyways just projecting once again onto my favs… but I think of Andrew a lot

Hello Friend I have so many thoughts and I'm actively vibrating with the opportunity to talk about this hold on

I'm like,,, both. I am touch averse AND touch starved for a Encyclopedia of reasons. Details aren't important but the result is “I wanna be held but I'm doubly scared of being hurt and also of being rejected therefore I shall stand here and stare at you really really hard and hope somewhere within you is a desire to hold me and no desire to harm or leave and maybe this time my body won't revolt maybe this time or this time or this time or”

And look, despite my crippling desire to be Objective in my literary analysis of Andrew and Neil and Jean and all my other beloved Foxes and Floozies I KNOW good and well that I project on them anyway so like,,,

I imagine Andrew as having those Bursts of Wanting just like you described, but he's often able to dismiss them.

With Nicky he doesn't concern himself with boundaries enough to be safe that way. Nicky has to be reminded of boundaries at knife point sometimes while Neil has to be told only once (and that's if he didn't already infer them himself).

With Aaron there's too much barbed wire between them to be safe that way. Aaron has been so hurt by Andrew that some resentment might poke out even when he does try to reach out, while Neil holds zero resentment towards Andrew even for things Andrew actually did to him! Neil mastered the art of Letting That Shit Go For The Sake Of Moving Forward while on the run with Mary - doing it with Andrew is a cake walk.

Kevin is so self absorbed and Exy centric that even the ways he wishes to express his love and care for others is filtered through the lens of what HE thinks is Right and Good and Safe and that's not safe enough for someone who wants to be considered in their own right without any qualifiers, while Neil will look at Andrew and even his own opinions on the matter get reduced to secondary considerations in the face of What Andrew Said. He might still express his opinion but he values Andrew's comfort and safety often more than his own opinions.

It's easy to shut down the Wanting when it arises because of others since the Cons are obvious and plentiful.

I'm betting that's part of the reason the Burst Of Wanting is so much MORE when directed at Neil because,,, the cons are, what? That Neil might die? That's everyone sweetheart, the fragility of humanity is the ever present Sword of Damocles hanging over everyone's endeavor for intimacy and connection, join the club in our inexorable march onwards ever onwards.

But the other shit, those other cons… Neil took care of those already. Neil honors Andrew's boundaries. Neil would hurt himself to keep from hurting Andrew. Neil actively tries to see things from Andrew's perspective instead of coloring everything with his own Bias Crayons. I'm not saying Neil is Perfect In Every Way, but on all perceivable accounts, Neil is safe. Safe to Want. Safe to Reach For. Safe to Touch.

Safe to Be Touched By.

How fucking scary is that?

Andrew looks at Neil, feels that Burst of Want followed by that stomach pitted drop of Fear like standing on a rooftop edge and fucking,,, what is he meant to do with that??? What is he supposed to do about Neil’s siren song of Safety??? Give in to it??? Body says No. Brain says No. Heart says Yes but we don't listen to that bitch, they don't get a vote.

But then the Brain starts getting convinced. And then the Body starts getting convinced. And then the Heart started revolting against their cage. And Andrew is sitting there like… are you so fucking for real right now?

And then Neil asks “Yes or no?” And then Neil accepts “Nothing” at face value. And then Neil accepts “I hate you” like it was a gift. Like Andrew is a gift.

What is a man to do then?

Of course we can't stop thinking about Andrew.

Projecting onto your favs again? Me too Bestie. Me too.

might be reading into it too much but you know what? I think Jeremy not being able to have a real golden retriever because his family is allergic is symbolism for the fact that Jeremy’s family isn’t happy with the current Jeremy that they have and instead he has to put up a fake cardboard version of himself to please them and everyone else. But that might just be me 🤷‍♀️

Rarely see it, but I enjoy fics where Agent Browning becomes an unwilling Pseudo Uncle beside Stuart as Neil's Actual Uncle. Like, Neil wants to do something that'll put the FBI on his case? Calls Agent Browning first, provides a heads up. Gonna marry Andrew? Gotta call Agent Browning so he can hyphenate his last name "for his Starbucks order". Allison wants to dye his hair? Gotta call Agent Browning first hold up

exy twitter (neil josten: pr nightmare au)

сalifornia summer dream boy

🦊🐱

I wanted to draw them older, since I imagine that only after a few years together would Andrew let Neil touch him like that. But I ended up drawing them in the Palmetto uniform because I wanted you to recognize them even without seeing their faces. hope u like it even It’s just a Wip tho🙌

Of course Nicky will never clock Kevin as bisexual. Of course he never clocked andreil as queer. Of course he can't ever see the members of his own community.

As far as we know, Nicky's first time actually being in a big, queer community was the camp. I feel like people overlook this. He was raised catholic, and no matter how gay you turn and how much sinful sex you have, you're always going to be catholic. The hymns are embedded in your vocal cords. The wine flows through your veins. It's all he's ever known until it suddenly isn't.

I'm pretty sure that he grew up thinking that gay people were only this caricature, this nameless freak, like many of us did. Gay men always dress a certain way, they're annoying, loud, touchy, and lesbians are always disgusting and manly and smelly. This is what he was taught, and there's no indication that he ever grew *out* of this mindset.

Yes, I believe Nicky enjoys a lot of the things he does, but I also think he's portraying the part of who he thinks he *needs* to be. And everything outside of those boundaries is still new and unbelievable. He's still a child, and relatively new to being openly gay.

And he's so proud. He can't think of anyone being anything other than proud of what they are. Nicky sees things as very black and white (completely gay or straight as a rod, hatefucking or about to get married) and probably thinks that if you're not out and proud, you're working with internalized homophobia. He never wanted anything other than to be free, and he cannot even think about the fact that some people don't want that level of fanfare.

He expects anyone who's queer to immediately come and talk to him. He's trying so hard to be the safe, iconic gay that other people can look up to and latch onto. He thinks that the only thing stopping people from screaming their sexuality to the world is homophobia, therefore they would at least tell him.

He doesn't get that people (Andrew, Neil) might just want to keep things private, because, to him, privacy equals secrecy, secrecy equals shame, and, well, there's nothing to be ashamed of!

Or maybe I'm just rambling. Idk guys this is my hot take of the week or whatever

Imagine Andrew hears from Wymack and Abby that Bee is having a bad day. He's graduated so she's not his therapist anymore but they keep in contact. He suddenly posts up on campus with gourmet hot cocoa, breaks into her office when he knows she has a break, says not a single word, throws himself across the couch-

but Bee is already smiling (it's so small, she really was having a bad day) and so, as far as he's concerned, Mission Accomplished