сalifornia Summer Dream Boy

How Nora wrote Jean and Jeremy puts into startling perspective how fucked up Neil's stay at Evermore was.

He would not and COULD NOT think about those eighteen days. It was so bad he can't even remember most of it.

I imagine that he only gets small flashbacks when something specific triggers him even later into his pro career.

One of my favorite things in AFTG is how the author deals with consent, particularly between Neil and Andrew. "Please" is such an easy go-to to make something not sound like an order or demand (especially for more aggressive characters, i.e., "Let me x/Do x, please"), but she completely took that off the table in this case. It becomes even more of a challenge when you take into account how Andrew’s bluntness can be taken as rude, but it's offset so well with Neil needing it spelled out to him because romantic interest go right over his head. Also, once a boundary is set, it's set. No questions asked. No testing it. And despite Neil being dumb as bricks to most things (bless his heart), most of those boundaries aren't even verbally discussed. It's either trial and error, observation of the other, or just left for the other to initiate. And there's no question to the reader that "no" or any sign of hesitation will be taken as "no." It's kinda refreshing to see it portrayed that way in media.

one of my fave parts abt aftg is how realistic it is. like they're all college kids, 18-20 ish. they're just teenagers. like yeah obviously neil is going to retaliate on live television without thinking about the repercussions. obviously they're going to rely on their most violent friend for protection from the mafia even though he's just a 20 year old bipolar kid with a heavy ass racquet. obviously the trojans are going to have a cardboard cutout of a dog with a stupid name that they treat like a real pet. obviously they're going to take tourist photos when they go pick up the random dude from arizona that's going to change their lives forever. god i love them. god

Whenever Jeremy does anything for Jean in TSC I’m reminded of the fact that it was Andrew who most likely did it for Kevin, in his own fucked up Andrew Way (TM).

Andrew followed Kevin’s schedule to keep the partner rule.

Andrew took him shopping for new clothes.

Andrew took him to sweeties full of awfully unhealthy food.

When Kevin wakes up at night, in a haze and he looks for the other bed in the room, it’s Andrew he finds.

When he’s afraid, when he panics, when shit hits the fan and he needs help, it’s Andrew he looks for, and Andrew is right fucking there.

They’ve spent the past year in each others pocket, in a way that the drowning hold on to a raft.

They’re complicated and ugly towards each other. They’re cruel and sharp and vicious, and they hit each other where it hurts, but nobody can ever tell me that the two of them are not best fucking friends.

I will never recover from the fact that if Neil and Andrew got married, Andrew picks Kevin as his best man, Kevin says yes.

still to this day thinking about neil, who had to be forgettable to survive, and andrew, with a photographic memory

As someone who is also touch averse a lot I just can’t stop thinking about Andrew. Like a popular head cannon is that he reads a lot.. and like couples are always cuddling or casually touching in books and shows, and I’m just thinking about him seeing that and seeing Neil and just, having such intense bursts of wanting to do that. But then when thinking about actually doing it it’s immediate revulsion… anyways just projecting once again onto my favs… but I think of Andrew a lot

Hello Friend I have so many thoughts and I'm actively vibrating with the opportunity to talk about this hold on

I'm like,,, both. I am touch averse AND touch starved for a Encyclopedia of reasons. Details aren't important but the result is “I wanna be held but I'm doubly scared of being hurt and also of being rejected therefore I shall stand here and stare at you really really hard and hope somewhere within you is a desire to hold me and no desire to harm or leave and maybe this time my body won't revolt maybe this time or this time or this time or”

And look, despite my crippling desire to be Objective in my literary analysis of Andrew and Neil and Jean and all my other beloved Foxes and Floozies I KNOW good and well that I project on them anyway so like,,,

I imagine Andrew as having those Bursts of Wanting just like you described, but he's often able to dismiss them.

With Nicky he doesn't concern himself with boundaries enough to be safe that way. Nicky has to be reminded of boundaries at knife point sometimes while Neil has to be told only once (and that's if he didn't already infer them himself).

With Aaron there's too much barbed wire between them to be safe that way. Aaron has been so hurt by Andrew that some resentment might poke out even when he does try to reach out, while Neil holds zero resentment towards Andrew even for things Andrew actually did to him! Neil mastered the art of Letting That Shit Go For The Sake Of Moving Forward while on the run with Mary - doing it with Andrew is a cake walk.

Kevin is so self absorbed and Exy centric that even the ways he wishes to express his love and care for others is filtered through the lens of what HE thinks is Right and Good and Safe and that's not safe enough for someone who wants to be considered in their own right without any qualifiers, while Neil will look at Andrew and even his own opinions on the matter get reduced to secondary considerations in the face of What Andrew Said. He might still express his opinion but he values Andrew's comfort and safety often more than his own opinions.

It's easy to shut down the Wanting when it arises because of others since the Cons are obvious and plentiful.

I'm betting that's part of the reason the Burst Of Wanting is so much MORE when directed at Neil because,,, the cons are, what? That Neil might die? That's everyone sweetheart, the fragility of humanity is the ever present Sword of Damocles hanging over everyone's endeavor for intimacy and connection, join the club in our inexorable march onwards ever onwards.

But the other shit, those other cons… Neil took care of those already. Neil honors Andrew's boundaries. Neil would hurt himself to keep from hurting Andrew. Neil actively tries to see things from Andrew's perspective instead of coloring everything with his own Bias Crayons. I'm not saying Neil is Perfect In Every Way, but on all perceivable accounts, Neil is safe. Safe to Want. Safe to Reach For. Safe to Touch.

Safe to Be Touched By.

How fucking scary is that?

Andrew looks at Neil, feels that Burst of Want followed by that stomach pitted drop of Fear like standing on a rooftop edge and fucking,,, what is he meant to do with that??? What is he supposed to do about Neil’s siren song of Safety??? Give in to it??? Body says No. Brain says No. Heart says Yes but we don't listen to that bitch, they don't get a vote.

But then the Brain starts getting convinced. And then the Body starts getting convinced. And then the Heart started revolting against their cage. And Andrew is sitting there like… are you so fucking for real right now?

And then Neil asks “Yes or no?” And then Neil accepts “Nothing” at face value. And then Neil accepts “I hate you” like it was a gift. Like Andrew is a gift.

What is a man to do then?

Of course we can't stop thinking about Andrew.

Projecting onto your favs again? Me too Bestie. Me too.

thinking about the fact that Neil matched Kevin's and Andrew's freak almost immediately. just straight up figured out how they ticked and walked them like dogs for three books straight. to everyone else, Kevin and Andrew are insane. to Neil, they make perfect sense.

NO YOU GUYS DONT GET IT.

Jean wouldn't call Jeremy with Mon cherie or mi amor, he would only use those endearing names with people he wants to piss off (cough neil) or people like catalina or laila as a friendly way!! He will use it to taunt them.

He can't fathom calling Jeremy any cheesy moniker so he instead calls him stuff like petit salaud or garce!! Everytime he sees Jeremy he flushes and lets out a string of curses in French bc he doesn't know what to do with his emotions.

Just once, I need Neil to get angry at Andrew for being so careless with his life. Just once, I need Neil to make Andrew understand that the terror Andrew felt that night in Baltimore, when Neil walked willingly into death's cold embrace without telling a soul what was waiting for him, or at the championship game, when Riko's racquet came within inches of crushing Neil's skull-

That's the very same terror Neil feels when Andrew walks a little too close to the edge of the roof. It's the same terror Neil feels when Andrew speeds a little too fast in the Mas, when he weaves between cars like he's got a death wish. Its the same terror Neil feels when, after Aaron's trial, Andrew drinks a little too much and disappears for a little too long, and he doesn't leave a note and he won't answer Neil's calls, but he took the car and nobody knows where he is until he miraculously turns up at Wymack's at nearly five in the morning.

I need Andrew to realize that as terrified as he is of losing Neil, Neil is just as terrified of losing him.

hot take ig but like

kevin day should not be in a relationship with any of the canon characters in aftg

let him have his history nerd (my fav headcanon ever) or literally anyone who's good for him idc or let him be aroace but he should nottt be dating an exy player and especially not jean i can't see that being healthy in any way shape or form

no hate to any kevjean/kevandreil/kevaaron/whatever shippers out there this is js my opinion 💕