I don’t like to shake. I don’t know why I always do. Maybe it’s my heart or my asthma. Either way I’d like to fix it.
It’s sad he got kicked out, but it makes me understand why I haven’t heard from him. Mom was sweet offering our couch to him. He’s got a lot going on inside. He tries to hide it, but I see it.
Whyyy don’t you text me?
I didn’t expect you to reply, but it was nice talking to you.
God interviens right at the perfect time, which is good but not very much fun for little wild children.
I still don’t get you. I know that I could get you talking if I really wanted to, but one, I don’t want to do things the way I used to; I like it happenstance, that way, it’s not my fault; and two, if I am too bold, it’s a temptation for him to revert to his insticntive boyish way, which is not what I need right now. So, I’ll let him to the talking. It makes things really slow but it’s me being somewhat careful. So, we’ll see.
I need to stop looking at your pictures. They can be infectious.
I want to, but I don’t feel like explaining myself, and they will see it.
Old friend, maybe I’ll give oneee more try.
I wonder if I’m strong enough to continue these friendships. I don’t believe she’s changed. I think she’d maybe think twice about doing it again but that wouldn’t be enough to stop her. At first, going back was absolutely unthinkable. The thought of it was sickening. Then, I gave it a try. It was still really hard but I bit my lip swallowed my pride and did it. It was easier on everyone. So for a little while, I just tried my very best to forget it ever happened. That worked for about two months. But it’s back again. It gets worse everyday. Sometimes such hatred boils beneath my skin that I never want to see her or anyone that reminds me of her ever again. Which may not sound like a big deal but it is, to me at least. He was wrong as well, but I have to remember he was single and half way convinced we wouldn’t get back together. It was wrong for him to go after a friend of mine, but she threw herself at him. But, how could they? I laid sick in bed for months and they had a hay day faking love because I wasn’t around to give it. After everything I've done for them, after everything we’ve been through. I’m a pretty shady person, but I would never, ever, do that to anyone. This has changed me. It’s made me crazy. My outlook on what’s “okay” and what’s not is twisted. I feel that no matter what I do it will not add up to what they do. Therefore, ruthless wrecklessness is as good as innocence to me. I lie, because it them who took my truth and used it against me. When I’m alone I convince myself that payback will make me feel better. Maybe one day it will but so far that hasn’t worked. And what’s wild is that they still have the nerve to speak to eachother in front of me. God knows what they do when they have a few minutes alone, though I do my best to make sure that never happens. After what they did to me, they are still comfortable speaking? They should be ashamed. They should feel awful for even glancing in eachother direction. Anyway, my point is the way I live life now, I will never be able to escape them. And I’m beginning to wonder how much longer I can stand this. It’s madness. It’s making me mad. And the only solutions would drastically change everything I’ve ever known. I hate you.
Maybe, everything is okay and I’m just thinking too much. Trying to find a problem so that I can runaway again. One of the songs he wrote a while ago said, “you runaway like you’ve got nothing to lose”. I know that his last name makes me lucky to be associated with him in some places and he’s crazy talented but am I better than this? Am I better than the way I’ve been treated by him and his family? Part of me says I deserve less and wants no one. The other part is convince I need something else. Someone else. He doesn’t hear me. He doesn’t take me seriously. He makes fun of the things I love, writing, my music, etc. He thinks I owe him so much, and maybe I do but he’s such a pusher. I’m not stupid. But then theres how cute he is, how smart he is, just the way he is, I love it. We’ve fought so hard for this, why throw it all away? He swears to love me, and I swear the same but I just want to know what’s right, what’s best.
I wish I could move out without offending my parents. I’m beginning to think I need it.
I’m beginning to have trouble breathing again.