Thats Revolting "Legalized Sodomy is Political Foreplay" by Patrick Califia
Im reading this book for the first time and first of all its really good and i reccommend it to everyone.
When i read "its too big a reminder of what we dont have in real life--justice, consent, loving kindness, acceptance, pleasure, attention." That hurt. And its because it resonates. Safe sane and consensual play is an escape from the forced conformity of a sexually desolate system. Its an outlet for the years of repression amd internalization of harmful norms and stereotypes.