Anxitey - Blog Posts
Me : Wow, I'm finally finding my flow. I love this quote, can't believe i wrote it.
Anxiety : Well, well. It's not that great. People think you're just a pretentious writer.
Me : No they don't. I actually write my own feelings, i think they relate to my words.
Anxiety : aww you wish. They hate you, and your art. Your writeups suck and your style is bad.
Me : No it isn't. Is it? IS IT? What if you're right? And what if I'm actually a bad writer. What if people actually think I'm pretentious. Yes anxiety, i guess you're right. Thank you, let me think about it all night, and get back to you.
Anxiety
I have been officially diagnosed with anxiety but it’s beyond the level of severe. I just got my medication and it’s now just hitting me how broken I am. I feel so alone right now and the only person that can truly comfort me isn’t with me anymore. I miss him.
Dorm- 01/06/24
I moved into my dorm today and it is 10pm and i'm sitting on my couch in my childhood home playing mario kart with my family cause I couldn't stop crying cause I had so much anxiety (I also had a tummy ache, also from anxiety). luckily I live 35 minutes from my dorm and my first class is on monday. I will, unfortunately, have to go tomorrow so I have a bit of a tummy ache about that but I don't have to leave my dorm cause my class is online. I think that this last day at home as helped a lot and I'm less anxious, there's also the fact that I will be home in 3-4 days (wednesday or thursday) since all but 2 of my classes are online- the wonder life of a baking & pastry arts student, all but my lab days are online. there was also the fact that I got my room changed last minute cause I wasn't with my original rommies that was sent via email like 2 weeks ago! they gave us the others emails so we can start connecting and they changed it! I don't do well with change (and moving houses was already SUCH a big change) that it completely threw me off. its a good thing that their just down the hall from me.
I was (and still slightly am) so embarrassed about coming home after move in day cause no one was going home and I am 19, I should be able to stay on my own. I think I have separation anxiety from my parents, Even as a child I was terrified to stay on my own. I was like 10 and I had a sleepover at my grandma's house and I had to go home at like midnight because I was just crying and homesick so much. and when I did Girl Guides I also had to be picked up cause I just wouldn't stop crying. Maybe I should see a therapist, this can't be healthy.
anywho, I hate being an adult. this shit is scary
TW: VENT, SELF-HARM, SKIN ILLNESS
And now I will explain my story.
When I was a teenager, I suffered from self-harm (I could beat myself and cut myself). I couldn't get off it because of the tension, stress, and loneliness.
But I've been clean for 3-4 years now and I'm not addicted to SH.
In addition, I have atopic dermatitis, which has progressed terribly from the middle of the year to the present day. This disease is associated with stress, and I have frequent anxiety. So that's why it got back.
So what am I talking about? When I was a teenager, I was very weak, I was very emotional (in a bad way), and my outlet was to hurt myself. Now that I'm free of this, I'm faced with the fact that my anxiety hasn't gone away, it's just that now I'm overcoming a desire to do something bad to myself. My eternal relief of worries turns into the development of dermatitis.
I'm okay now. I'm being treated for atopic dermatitis. It's just that sometimes I involuntarily take myself back to the past... and it makes me feel better who I am now
Every time I consume caffeine
Anxiety kicks in
Now,
Coffee makes me scared of the impending attack
How do you go in a plane and not throw up everywhere and cry? You’re putting your life in the hands of a pilot you’ve (most likely) never met, and relying on a big metal bird like machine thingy to safely get you to your destination. My anxiety could never. Maybe, just maybe, someone just needs to smack the shit out of me and help me realize that “it’s not as bad as I think it is” But I don’t think thats the case.
Guess who has Anxiety.
Guess who wants to reread the Mistborn trilogy even tho she has 120+ books on her TBR
Everyday, and counting.
“Sometimes I feel dead, and I hate everybody”
Ottessa Moshfegh “My Year of Rest and Relaxation”
THIS IS WHAT TRUE ART IS!!!
And sorry if this isn’t what you were going for but this is exactly what I want to happen in MM! Leo’s fight with the Shredder right before he’s slammed through his window and befalls the dreaded Leo curse.
A N X I E T Y A T T A C K .
REQUEST BY @nosleep83
With Glitch effect
Reference Screenshot👇👇👇
I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm so useless I'm sorry I don't get good grades I'm sorry I don't like school I'm sorry I sleep too much I'm sorry I'm not open enough I'm sorry I don't like talking over the phone I'm sorry I stay up all night unable to sleep I'm sorry I'm sad all the time I'm sorry I worry to much I'm sorry I have flashbacks I'm sorry i get scared over nothing I'm sorry I don't eat I'm sorry I have to take pills I'm sorry I cut I'm sorry I want to die I'm so so sorry
Crippling loneliness in the age of the internet:
"Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?"
~Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart (1999)
Let me set the scene:
In a dark room, the only light is coming from the phone of a girl laying on the bed, as she mindlessly scrolls for hours on end. She is typing fast, she is running multiple apps in the background, she is listening to the latest hits while doing all of this, her earphones never leave her ears; even when she closes her eyes, she is still listening to a podcast. Despite all these activities happening around her. The girl looks bored and apathetic, her eyes are blank, no emotions, no thoughts. And for hours to come she stays in that state, waiting for something to happen, even if it doesn't, she doesn't care.
This could be the opening lines of a sci-fi novel but this is actually how I act when I am alone. This is how my life has become. And while people like to blame this on the internet that has made Gen Z mindless zombies; I think the only reason I haven't died is because of the internet. To normal people it's a curse that makes humanity fall to its lowest. To me it gave a purpose, a want and a direction to live for.
The Internet isn't the evil mastermind to me, it's a necessity that has kept me alive and not succumbing to the fact I have no one to talk with.
Internet to me isn't Instagram, Snapchat, Discord,Twi--X (someone stop Elon Musk from cooking), it's the "quirky" apps like Pinterest, Tumblr and Reddit as well as the depths of content that is YouTube. It's the places where I found "my" people who understood me, who accepted me, who appreciated me. Growing up I had no one to talk with, even my own family wasn't understanding, let alone my friends.
During my school life I had always been surrounded by friends or as I like to put it, people I can talk to and have lunch with during school hours. That's what it was, nothing more than that. My idea of friends was just different from others, I didn't want emotional connection or people to hang out with. I wanted friends who would listen to my ramblings and be able to debate and discuss things with.
I don't want to seem pretentious or snobbish and definitely not above others in any way. But....when I am surrounded by so many frustratingly stupid people, I don't have any other words to describe them than "not good enough for me". They may be wonderful people, who are warm and lively. I do not care about being around such people. I am someone that watches video essays on morality, ethics, philosophy and analysis of movies and TV, in comparison to the people I know I am just more perceptive and thoughtful and that alone makes me seem like a stranger to them (INTPs are weird in short form). My dad told me smart people have it hard to make friends because of this exact nature, I wouldn't call myself incredibly intelligent but I know I am far more capable in thinking than my classmates who watch reality TV shows and Tiktok dances. Sometimes I cannot even comprehend how people can even get satisfaction and happiness from something as simple as that and that's when I understand: it's okay to be different than that and it's okay that they are "normal".
I feel like I am Lain from "Serial Experiments Lain", as if my existence is given meaning by the internet and I was born from it. My lack of social interactions in person can be explained by that, but it's the thought of talking with other people that often scares me. I am used to being silent, so much so that even on the internet, I remain quiet, not interacting with people who might understand me. Being afraid of not being understood has stopped me from even trying to make connections when there's people ready to do that.
I don't even reply to comments on my posts, unless I have to and I don't talk with anyone on the internet itself. I just watch and be happy at other people's interactions and feel a sense of belonging.
For some days I decided to stop doing that, to stop the vow of silence. To let people approach me and approach others myself. I want to be friends and it's the only thing that I have ever considered as something I couldn't achieve.
Loneliness isn't as pretty as the movies and books tell you. It's more of a psychological thriller than a show like Euphoria and Skins where these stylised depictions make my depression and loneliness appear cool. It's cool to be alone, to have my own space and not cross boundaries but it's not cool to let the loneliness that shields me, devour me.
One of my biggest fears is that I’m gonna end up in the ED and a doctor, nurse or whoever will ask me “what is your pain on a scale of 1 to 10?”
HOW AM I MEANT TO ANSWER??? Like what is ten supposed to feel like?? Oh, 10 is a broken leg? Well I’ve never broken my leg before so how about you break it so I know what 10 feels like!
Oh 10 is the literal feeling of death? Let me just choke on this stress ball you gave me so I know what that feels like!
Do I get to call a friend first? Can I use my lifeline? “Pass, next question”???
Like, I could be in unimaginable pain but my anxieties worse so how about you give me 20 minutes to think my answer over so I know it’s as accurate as possible?