Autistic Things - Blog Posts

I feel like half my body needs to be soaked in ice while the other half covered in heating pads…just the issues of chronic pain ⋋_⋌

Am I ill?

Sometimes I start to wonder if I really am chronically ill. Do I really wake up every day with pain or am I just faking it all the time? I know other people actually have these issues and they are very much real, but to me, I don't know what is real for myself anymore. I try so hard to be normal, yet the pain comes back. It always will come back. I wake in the mornings with a killing pain surging through my jaw. I know that last night I must have been fighting monsters, swinging swords that allow me to defeat these dragons lingering in the mountains. Yet, today as I wake up the pain isn't from a dragon or those monsters I fought, it's from my trying to dislocate once more. The throbbing pain in my head isn't from being flung against the wall of a dragon's den, that pain is from my chronic migraines that linger in me causing it almost impossible to eat and hold my food down. That surging sensation that spirals in my belly, drifting up towards my heart and seeping through my veins isn't the poison of my enemy trying to defeat me at last, this is the anxiety that causes me to isolate myself until everything is fine again. The anxiety that holds me back from chasing these wild imaginations because I'm not okay. I don't think I ever will be okay, but am I really ill?

Overload...

One of the best things about college to me is just showing up early to get a good seat away from people and pick where I sit. I love being able to sit away from the flickering bright white lights that loom over the students, yet being able to sit away from windows and distractions that might interfere with my studies. With all these great things soon comes misery though...the seat I pick always ends up having someone trying to sit near me so I have to set my backpack on the chair next to me and sit in the corner if possible. I fear people might think I'm rude, but the noises of others clicking away on computers, talking to their neighbors, smells, and any small noises or motions they make just tend to bother my sensory issues. I have severe sensory issues due to my autism and sensory processing disorder so I go into a meltdown almost every time I show up to class. I love school and learning as it's my special interest and always has been. The ability for me to expand my knowledge in any way possible makes me happy and want to flap my hands around. I just wish people were more considerate and I didn't have to wear headphones just to exist in normal environments. School is great, yet extremely hard and I always miss classes sometimes. I tried online school, but it's hard for me to focus and stay attentive in class. I'd rather sleep through it instead which is a huge issue. I don't know, I just feel as if I need to let out some of my issues and get them off my chest in order to sit through this next class. Sorry if I come off as rude, I don't mean to. I just am struggling so much lately to just exist. I want to curl up in a ball and hide away from society until people acknowledge that those with disabilities can and will be in professional settings too so we need to make things to accommodate them.

Just Autistic Things...

Being excited about beige food and sitting alone in your room while watching your special interest on youtube for the 50th time this month...ngl I’m excited as heck for it!

I think one blasting big sign that I was autistic was that I would spend hours watching those criminal psychology videos, memorising the right "innocent" facial expressions and body language. I was terrified of somehow being seen as guilty if I were to ever get questioned surrounding a crime.

Meanwhile I was 14, only had two friends and barely left the house except for school lol

As someone who has a tendency to go nonverbal when anxious, stressed, or scared, I would like to back this up. I remember learning some basics when I was much younger, but I never had the chance to use it so I forgot. I have an autistic friend who uses sign language when she talks sometimes, but I don't understand it.

idk man. i just think itd be really cool if sign language classes were mandatory throughout primary school. yeah because it would make communication with deaf kids and autistic/nonverbal kids much easier. and those kids would be accessible to the others so they cold make friends and have healthy relationships. yeah. and kids would eat that shit up man. like their own little secret language? they love that.

One more and you summon exodia and win the game

that's it, you fucked up, get in the autism cop car, NOW!!!!!

Saw some other people do this so, I’m posting(?) a list of some of my safe foods/snacks

Fried rice

Egg drop soup

Funyuns

Andy Hot Fries

Hot and spicy shrimp cup of noodles

Teriyaki beef yakisoba (packaged) (also like yakisoba from restaurants, the packaged is easier to get tho)

Watermelon

Strawberry pop tart

Garlic butter noodles

If anyone has similar/some of the same safe foods as me feel free to let(?) me know(?) or you can just share your safe foods in general

I’m so proud of myself; I let my history professor know that I’m autistic and have social anxiety and because of that I have some struggles when it comes to speaking. I also told her my pronouns. It went really well; and she asked me if the presentation that is due towards the end of the semester will be a problem (I haven’t gotten to her on that yet) and she said she appreciated my openness.

Note: I told her this information in an introduction paragraph (which is mandatory/graded) that we can use to share with her any thing that we deem of importance (if that makes sense)

Am I the only one who feels bad or I guess guilty(?) calling myself a level 2 autistic/ an autistic person with medium support needs, even though I am at that level (I don’t know if that makes sense) according to my evaluator (I was initially diagnosed at 2, but was reevaluated at around (I believe) 17 )

Mine was Monster High Dolls (though I’m still unsure if that one was a special interest), LPS (littlest pet shop), and rock collecting

There’s probably more, but I’m not sure

I can’t believe I forgot about mermaids 🤦 especially considering they were an interest of mine for the longest time

What was your old special interest you realized only years later it was a special interest?

Mine were collecting angel statues and A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens.

Some people have weighted blankets, I have a big ass dog that has no sense of personal space

When Autism meets ADHD.

two things: I hate change and having my routines interrupted. I hate things being the same it’s boring

i just realized that a selfharm only because of my autism(and because people(my fucking family!!) totaly ignore my needs to do with it) thanku very much

okay fuck i cried cuz i got overwhelmed by things i cant control

wait i havent had an autistic shut down:melt down in like a fuckass month im scared now are we gonna hit me with the worst shit ever or..?

i hate being tired after fucking socializing leave me alone

hyperfixation got so bad i went on my phone in lesson just to watch her interview🩷

i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate my brain.