Autistic - Blog Posts

Sings I’m struggling:

My body feels heavy & tired

I find it hard to respond to messages

I feel like nothing I do is good enough

I can't motivate myself

I can't stop myself scrolling through social media

I have panic attacks

I spend more time by myself

Little things get to me

I find it hard to get up & ready in the mornings

My usual coping mechanisms don't help very much

I can't focus or still my thoughts

Things become disorganised & untidy

I doubt myself

Source

Mental Health

Hi everyone,

I found a cute comic from Twitter about Autism and I thought I would share it here.

The tweet will be here in case anyone wants to view it.

Autism

There’s one thing I always think of when I hear “how could you let it get so bad?” and similar phrases. It’s in the comments of every video of matted hair or a dirty kitchen.

I think the appropriate response is “what would have to happen to you for you to let it get that bad?” And when you think about that question, and the horrifying answers that come with it, you almost certainly have more sympathy for the person you were being judgemental to.

Yesterday I was supposed to meet with my case manager, since we’ve never met. I had the address and even confirmed in the morning it wasn’t a Telehealth visit, like the additiona automated call I received the day before said it was. I arrived early and waited in the office. And waited. And waited.

Then I received a message from my wife saying that the case manager was at our house. She never said it was in home. I couldn’t handle anything else after that call.

I cried so much. I never ended up meeting her because I was 25 minutes away from home.

We will eventually reschedule.

Why is life so challenging?

As a ND person, I hate having to take communications courses in college. It reaffirms that NT people are confusing AF.

I was working with a young kid yesterday who was screaming and struggling while her dad and I tried to wash her hair but in between screams I asked her what kind of soup she would be if a witch cursed the world into becoming Soup World and her utter confusion broke the spell of her fear. She stopped crying and just looked at me and echoed “Soup World????” and we got her hair clean no problem.

Link to Tweet

I can’t tell you how accurate this is…

Autism

ADHD

I’m having a very emotional day. My business communications class is triggering a lot of old memories from when I was working at two different companies. I know I did what I could with the knowledge and tools I had at that point in my life, but the memories still hurt.

Not knowing I was autistic and how that impacted everything in my life was a huge factor. Not being properly medicated for ADHD and feeling like I was the only person who didn’t have my shit together practically killed me. I still have PTSD from comments I saw and heard others say about me. About being gaslit by my manager. About being so overwhelmed that I am still dealing with burnout.

It doesn’t help that I’m not in therapy right now. My case worker is pushing to try to find me a therapist but the system is so overloaded and there just aren’t enough people to go along without burning out the therapists.

On top of all that, my assignment this week in my business communications class is to talk about my chosen field and how communication has changed. Except I don’t have a chosen field. I’m struggling to figure out what it is and if I can actually work. I’m in crisis every day about it. Being disabled but “not disabled enough” is taking its toll right now. I’m not okay. I’m hopeful things will get better but that’s where I am.

Being overstimulated is so weird with both ADHD and Autism.

Do even the slightest sounds make me wanna scream and cry? Yes.

Does listening to some intense dubstep on max volume in my earbuds immediately ground me and help? Also yes.

I stress about having to use my card properly and not take too long and what if it doesn’t read right and what if there aren’t seats and what if I have to sit next to someone who wants to talk and where do I look and ALL THE NOISES.

And that’s just for buses and the light rail. I’ve been rehearsing air travel for much longer.

To other autistic people, how do you feel about travelling on public transport?

I thought I didn’t have RSD until it was pointed out to me that I take things like a personal attack and that I’m super emotional. So I researched it again through this lens. This happened just a few days ago and now I can’t unsee it.

Unpacking my own neurodiversity is weird, even after all these years.

AuDHD culture is watching your favourite shows over and over again because it's safe, and you love them

My bestie just got the autism diagnosis for her 7 year old son. I think I convinced her not to put him through ABA. She’s already getting a referral for OT. What helpful therapies are there that aren’t abusive or traumatic that I can suggest she look into?

Felt like doing this again. It’s interesting to see where I am today vs two months ago.

Wish to know where your needs fall on the spectrum?

Take the test here.

This test is NOT for diagnosis.

Where your needs fall can change throughout your life and even day to day.

I’m “watching” my bestie’s 7 year old son and he’s watching Godzilla videos. He’s telling me all about the different Godzillas and their abilities. It makes my heart so happy. You go, T! Tell me all about your current hyperfocus and obsession. I love this kid.

I feel this

I’m diagnosed as autistic, but I don’t really struggle a lot with social cues. I pick most of them up naturally it just takes a while. I have trouble figuring out when I’m supposed to speak so I usually just don’t. And I can’t usually tell when to stop a conversation. But I’m pretty good at all the other social stuff. Can I still be autistic? Is there a chance I was misdiagnosed?

"I pick up on social cues naturally but it just takes a while."

That's not picking up in social cues naturally. That's reading them and interpreting them after you learnt them via study and masking. Allistics don't need a while. It's instantaneous.

Trouble figuring out your turn to speak and stopping a conversation? Autism.

And pretty good at social stuff or you're no longer a child and have learnt the rules and regulations around social interaction?

This is classic imposter syndrome and I can tell you that if you are diagnosed as autistic, you're autistic. We're all different, yes, so my struggles will be different to yours. But reading social cues like an old 1950s radio manual is not the same as allistic understanding of social cues.

*warm hugs*

I just read that asking someone how they are is rhetorical; my mind is blown. Is it really rhetorical? I’m so confused.

Things to think about and ponder

fully personal opinion

see many autistic people online treat someone calling self “high functioning” as a red flag, and some view it more extremely as irredeemable and make immediate assumption about person.

and i don’t… fully agree?

like of course see where they come from. there definitely are autistic people who identify as “high functioning” (high functioning autism, HFA) or “aspie” to separate self from the other autistics because they look down on other autistics. others may even believe HFA is this new evolutionary goal and people with HFA and only high functioning autism is better than everyone else, allistics included. they are yucky.

i carefully curate n select my internet experience because know if get mad, won’t be able to step away. so i don’t see these people much at all online. also because of dominant views in online autism community, these aspie supremacy HFA people don’t really participate in online actually autistic community.

but the reason i say i dont fully agree is because….

for so long me as a higher support needs level 2/3 austistuc and my friends who are similar or have more support needs as me & may be labeled “low functioning”, we been spoken over in online autistic community. dominant view of autism in online actually autistic community say every autistic all the same just mask differently or stuff like that. can look at my other posts for more context.

so, i really do appreciate when… how to say… an autistic respond to my posts say “i’m high functioning and i agree/thank you for bringing light to issue/etc etc.”

like. call themself as “high functioning” to, yes, separate themselves from me, not in the “im better than you i worth more than you”, but in the way of “i acknowledge me being/being seen as high functioning means i have different experiences than you, and on higher support needs/level2 3/low functioning issues i don’t have the lived experience and i need to listen.”

like i fully appreciate the latter, you know?

it’s also okay to say like. “while i don’t identify as high functioning, i do acknowledge i am often seen as high functioning, and that means i get treated better than those called low functioning.”

anticipate some people will say “well there still are better terms out there, like low support needs.” and the thing is, high functioning, levels, and support needs may all be trying to describe similar things, but they don’t neatly translate to each other. they don’t exactly mean same thing. “high functioning” doesn’t necessarily always mean low support needs.

and it not my place to tell other people how to self identify!

also because, i do like functioning labels when voluntarily used as self descriptor.

so, TLDR, i do oppose professionals & other people forcibly labeling autistics with functioning labels, i do hate those aspie supremacist high functioning autistics. but i think there is more nuance (always more nuance) to the “call self high functioning = bad” conversation. sometimes really do appreciate when someone self describe use “high functioning” to note difference in autistic experiences.

idk just personal thoughts. idk make sense.

What the fuck

So recently I have learned that neurotypical people are not aware of things like the following at all times:

How their clothing feels

Their body odor

The taste of their saliva

The hum of electronics

What. The. Fuck.

I don't understand that at all

To me sensory issues are like my chronic pain. I can let it fade into the background a lot of the time but it's always there

Like I am always fucking having to deal with it and other people just don't?

What the fuck!

I feel like this is something my wife would write. The only reason I know it’s not her is she isn’t 25. She won’t tell me her Tumblr name.

leather is the halfway point between wood and fabric. and wood is halfway between fabric and metal. fabric is halfway between liquids and metal and liquids are halfway between clouds and fabric. having come back to fabric the best kinds are cotton, linen, and rayon. these are just the laws of nature

My 5th birthday party was circle themed. I had a circle cake, everyone surrounded me in a circle to sing “happy birthday circle.” And I screamed at them if they didn’t listen to me.

Terrifying meltdown occurred over a wiffle ball bat, a piñata, and my grandmother, who wouldn’t stop talking so I could listen for the “whistle” like my dad taught me.

If/when you have children please let them (as soon as they're able) pick the theme of their birthday parties.

The girl who used to do my hair let her toddler pick the theme of her 3rd birthday and she chose Target. Like, the store. So everything was red and white and covered in bullseyes and I'm just so full of joy looking at the pictures on Facebook right now because it is obvious that this little girl is having the time of her life and that her parents put so much love and creativity into making the decorations and cupcakes.

Children will come up with some of the best and most fascinating ideas if you let them.

I’m down for both of these challenges. Except on November 21st. That’s my husband’s birthday. I’ll experience that day.

This month I’ve decided to participate in an event called “October,” where for every day in October I’m going to experience a day in October.

Here’s the prompt list I’m using in case anyone wants to join me in this challenge:

Next month I’m thinking of trying out the “No November November” challenge, where I’ll refrain from experiencing November for the whole month of November.

I’m neurodiverse and I have some of the best friends who are also neurodiverse. Best thing about not being in school and having to find friends there? Neurodiverse adults are everywhere and many are realizing that they are special instead of weird because of it.

I’m not going to lie. The neurotypical world is hard to fit in because it wasn’t made for us. But having friends and who are like you make it easier to deal with the NT world. Plus, we tend to have the cooler hobbies and jobs and past times and collections.

We need to talk more about Autistic, ADHD and Neurodiverse Joy

As a kid I felt hopeless because the only narrative you ever see about Autism is the loneliness, the otherness, the bullying and the struggle. I never once saw anything about the joys of having autism or that autistic people can actually have nice things in life. It was all doom and gloom. The world tells autistic and neurodiverse children that their lives are going to suck because of the way their brain is, because of something they can't control and had no say in, and it's wrong

I'm Autistic and I fell in love. I'm Autistic and I have friends, good friends, who love me back. I'm Autistic and I do feel joy and togetherness and peace. THAT is the message we need young Neurodiverse kids to hear. No more shows about our hardships, more stories about our joy please

I have been struggling with depression lately, but it’s mostly related to my struggles with chronic illness and the lack of support I have from my medical providers. I need to start this aloud so I know that it’s situational and that it’s not my fault.

Also, I need a new therapist who can better acknowledge that it isn’t for my lack of trying. Having a neurotypical and abled therapist is draining and sometimes makes me feel like I’m being gaslit. And that’s not ok.

I’m looking for a new therapist but that takes time and more patience than I can sometimes muster with the US healthcare system and state insurance/Medicaid. Do not recommend the American healthcare experience, 0/10 rating, no stars.

I’m not okay right now and that has to be okay for now.

I know I wasn’t diagnosed as a kid because it wasn’t a thing they looked for in girls and I was social and good at school and acted “normal”, but omg how was I not diagnosed as a kid?!

autism is just being a picky eater, wearing the same hoodie for 9 days straight, and the sun stressing you out

Sometimes I feel like breaking down asking myself "why is everything so hard for me?" "Why can't I do the same things as other people?" "Why do I need to struggle with the stupidest of things?" But then I remember autism is a ✨️disability✨️ and I am, in fact, disabled

If being too giving is wrong, I don’t want to be right. I currently don’t have enough money to give to all the causes I care about. Included in my “When we have more money” list is so many causes and people I want to help. It’s also why I want to help people in my future work. I’m a helper because someone has to be. My mom taught me that the meaning to life was to love, and that includes those less fortunate.

one thing I've noticed with being autistic is my innate sense of justice

people tend to be so passive to awful injustices and say "well it is what it is"

but I can never see it that way

how can people be so dismissive of other human beings and their lives? how can we reach equality when every person has such a selfish point of view?

it's really horrifying, and yet we're considered the ones with no empathy