Purple, in Green’s bed: Morning… how’d ya sleep last night?
Green, knocking Purple off: WHAT THE HELL?!
Purple: Ow—
Green: What were you doing in my bed? You were supposed to sleep on the air mattress on the floor!
Purple: I had a nightmare.
Green: You had a nightmare? What are you, five years old?
Purple: Listen, I needed to feel comfortable and I was getting this perverse power dynamic vibe from me sleeping on the floor and you sleeping up there-
Green, in a royal accent: Why yes, how high and mighty I am up on my twin XL!
Purple: That is not what I meant—
Green: Silence in the presence of your king, who sleeps a lofty twelve and a half inches above the ground!
Purple: Listen, I’m not ashamed. I slept comfortably when I got up on your bed and I’m sure you did too.
Green: Yeah, okay-
Purple: You know what? I wanna know. How’d you sleep last night?
Green: …That was the best I’ve slept in a while.
Purple, gasping: The king slept comfortably with a peasant in his bed!
Green: I did not consent to this-
Purple, dramatically: But my liege, our love is forbidden!
Green, on the phone: Hi, is this the front desk? Yeah, there’s a bed bug in my room and he’s five-foot-seven.
*Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker*
Purple: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
Everyone:
Red: ...I did. I broke it.
Purple: No. No you didn't. Green?
Green: Don't look at me. Look at Yellow.
Yellow: What?! I didn't break it.
Green: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
Yellow: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
Green: Suspicious.
Yellow: No, it's not!
Second: If it matters, Blue was the last one to use it.
Blue: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
Red: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Purple.
Purple: No! Who broke it!?
Everyone:
Green: Purple... Yellow's been awfully quiet.
Yellow: rEALLY?!
*Everyone starts arguing*
Purple, being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.
Purple: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.
Purple:
Purple: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.
Purple: We’ll find another route, it’s not safe for amateur adventurers.
Red: That sounds like a challenge.
Purple: I have to stress, that is not a challenge.
Red: ...Is exactly what you say to dissuade the weak of heart from accepting the challenge. Well, challenge accepted!
Purple: There is no challenge!
Purple: I literally cannot believe I let you talk me into this.
Red: I literally said “I have an idea,” and you just went along with it without question.
Blue: *cocks gun* Go to bed Yellow. This is no longer a request, This is now a threat.
Purple: If we don’t get out of this alive… If we’re both about to die… I love you, Green!
*Neither of them die*
Green: …
Purple: …
Green: So do you wanna talk about somethi-
Purple: No thank you.
Purple: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?
Blue: >:O language
Red: Yeah watch your fucking language
Yellow: Okay, who taught Red the fuck word?!
Green: 'The fuck word'.
Second: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time
Green: Oh my god they censored it
Purple: Say fuck, Second.
Red: Do it, Second. Say fuck.
Yellow: Don't joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offends me.
Purple: My heart is guarded but like… very poorly. The kind of guards that would let 3 kids in a trench coat into an R rated movie.
Yellow: Love makes people do stupid things.
Red: I love everything!
Yellow: That explains a lot.
Yellow: *very seriously* You need to stop doing weird things to cope with the stress. Going outside might help.
Red: I went to the park today.
Yellow: There you go! I hope you got something from that.
Red: *opening their coat* This duck.
Second: A SPIDEEER!!!!!!
Yellow: KILL IT! SMASH IT!
Green: BURN IT!
Second: STAB IT! WITH A KNIFE! GET ME THE SHOTGUN!
Red: Awww, it’s so cute! Look at it!
Red: Which way did Green go?
Yellow: Well, based on the direction of the wind, the broken sticks in the corner, and the slight disturbance in the dirt, I'd guess they went left.
Red: You could really figure it out from that?
Yellow: No, you idiot, Green sent me a text.
Second: Why are you late?
Yellow: A technical error occurred, causing an unexpectedly long bout of unconsciousness.
Second: Overslept?
Yellow: Overslept.
Red: Yellow, I want a bedtime story!
Yellow: I’m busy, Red. I’ll tell you one tomorrow.
Red: If you don’t tell me a story, I won’t go to bed!
Yellow: Once upon a time, there was a person named Red, who always wanted things their way. One day, their friends got sick of it and locked them in the basement for the rest of their life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. The end.
Red: I don’t like these stories with morals.
Red: Give me everything you’ve got!
Purple: All your friends secretly hate you.
Red: Wait, what?
Purple: I’ve got anxiety.
Blue: If I fall…
Yellow: I’ll be there to catch you.
Purple: *looks at Green* What if I fall?
Green: Then I’ll fall with you, never leaving your side.
Dark: *watches these two interactions*
Dark, to Chosen: And if I fall?
Chosen: I’ll be the one who pushed you.
Blue: Yellow, you’re such a genius!
Yellow: Yes, I know.
Purple: Man, they look like a real handful. How do you deal with them?
Yellow, watching Green screaming, Red trying to set a sleeping Second on fire, and Blue choking on air: I don't know either.
Green: Oh, look we're under a mistletoe.
Purple: *looks up* That's not a mistletoe.
[later that night]
Purple: Oh he was flirting with me.
Green: You use humour a lot to deflect trauma
Purple: Thank you!
Green: I didn't say that was a good thing?!
Purple: What I'm hearing is, you think I'm funny
Red: Why is Blue making me do the dishes again? You haven’t washed them in a week, Yellow!
Yellow: It’s because I’m Blue’s favorite.
Red: I hate you.
Yellow: What do you call quantums of electromagnetic radiation that don’t get along?
Second: What did you just say-
Yellow: Foetons! *Laughs*
Second: Wh-what?
Green: What's your greatest fear?
Purple: Not being loved and appreciated.
Green: ...
Green: Damn, that's deep.
Green: Mine is the Kool Aid man, but I feel kinda stupid about it now...
Green: You look mentally ill.
Purple: I am. Let’s go.
Purple: *pretending to joke* So when are you going to go out with me?
Green: I don't know. When are you going to ask me to?
Second: And you just ran away?!
Purple: I didn't expect them to flirt back!
*the Squad at Disneyland, in the teacups*
Blue, Purple, and Second: *spinning a little and talking*
Green, Red, and Yellow: *flying past them, spinning as fast as they can, screaming*
Green: *holding a salt packet* It’s just a little sodium chloride.
Yellow: Actually Green, it’s salt.
Green: That’s what I said, sodium chloride.
Yellow: Uh Green, that would be salt.
Yellow: *takes salt packer from Green* This is iodized table salt, which in addition to sodium chloride contains anti-caking agents and potassium iodate, which is added to prevent iodine deficiency. So not only are you being overly pretentious by insisting on using scientific terminology for everyday items, you are factually wrong. Your arrogance is your downfall, you annoying little shit.
Purple: *Stands in trash can.*
Green: Purple, not again! You're not trash, you're at least recycling!
Yellow: How are we supposed to put a tracker the size of a penny on Red without them noticing?
Green: Hey, Red, I bet you 5 bucks that you can't swallow this penny.
Red: *takes and swallows tracker* Pay up, loser.
Yellow: ...