anti-endos are weird as hell i swear. they'll take any chance to just like.. fakeclaim anyone. especially if they frequent fakedisordercringe or systemscringe. honestly it's kinda laughable. they think anyone who supports endogenics is automatically one themself, when that shit isn't true (take my boyfriend for instance, who is traumagenic and yet supports me wholeheartedly)
Days without an anti-endo thinking this blog is owned by an endogenic system and fakeclaiming: 0
when you're revising your document, rewriting where it needs, editing out-editing in, in the flow
and then suddenly you REALIZE
that you've fallen prey to the 'it's logical'-goblin that every writer knows that tricks you into believing that you've set up all the foreshadowing necessary because it all makes sense to YOU
but you realize with dawning horror
that you're not just the reader, you're also the writer
and so of course it makes sense if Character A is a cat for 20+ chapters, turns human for only 2 chapters and then has a full-on make-out session with Character B
it makes sense
because you wrote it
and the "it's-logical"-goblin told you that it's logical when you read it
because the logical-goblin is an effin' logical fallacy is what it is
and now i don't have enough foreshadowing
gfdi
every time I talk about my own abuse for the sake of justice or awareness, all the words punch the back of my throat, a heavy thumping that spills from my mouth like the ugly mess it was. it’s still so painful and emptying and numbing all at the same time. It feels like I spoil the conversation, that I’m being uncouth or impolite. my story has no place anywhere.
a glass just empty, full of unoccupied space. a head tangled with words. I’m still confused about the concept of justice. and love. and forgiveness. it just feels unfair. just feels so wrong to make my own body’s safety into a movement or a form of activism. I don’t want to be loud or strong or empowered, I just want to be safe.
this world, full of its misogyny and hatred towards women, doesn’t help. The vilification of victims in the media makes me feel even smaller. the internalisation of misogyny, undermining my own pain because of my body’s “crimes” doesn’t help either.
my voice sometimes doesn’t feel like my own. my body never feels like it belongs to me. all this activism and anger and pain and I still can’t shake the feeling.
I worry about other girls. I worry about their voices being stolen not only by their abusers, or society but also by themselves.