Breakup - Blog Posts

You may as well have been imaginary after all the things you’ve made up

I used to say I could fix anything before you broke everything

You’re haunting me, not in the dark or late at night but in the morning or when I laugh,

It’s your name that I need to exorcise

I don’t care about the pain anymore, I’m scared of how much I’ll let you hurt me just for a chance to be yours

I’m scared of the silence,

I’m scared of the noise,

Either way I’m thinking of you and missing your voice

Do you believe in reincarnation ? Because I loved you before I even knew who you were,

It’s like I found you again and you felt like home from the start,

Now I’m only waiting for you to remember us

Sometimes you were vulnerable and I fell in love with that but more often you were destructive and I hate that I loved you like that

Bitter, yet you tasted so sweet to me

Like poison dipped in honey, I swallowed every lie until I couldn’t breathe

You’re still on my mind, I think about you all the time, I can’t remember to forget you and I don’t know why

I never wanted it to end, I chose you over everything else and all I asked was for you to give me a chance

but you broke me instead

I missed you when you were there and I miss you now that you’re gone, maybe I’ll spend my life missing you instead of moving on

You tried to make me hate you but I never could, I tried to make you love me but you never would

I keep having imaginary conversations with you, is that crazy ?

Maybe

Call me delusional but I really thought you’d be different

I cry when I’m sad

I cry when I’m happy

It was easier to smile with your arms around me

In your silence I can hear myself breaking

I don’t know if you hurt me because you were hurting too, all I know is that even after all the pain you’ve put me through,

I still could never hurt you

I dare you to stay and love me

You can blame me for leaving but you were never there

I know some days hurt more than others but today is especially painful

I hope tomorrow will feel better

…And if I can’t escape you then I’ll stop running

And if you want to catch me then I’ll be here waiting…

And if I don’t miss you anymore, it’s not because I forgot you, it’s because missing you has become a part of me, like how I don’t think about breathing because I breathe all the time

Give me all your hate, it’s your indifference that I can’t take

I can’t keep thinking about you but I’m terrified of forgetting you

One heartbreak but it feels like two

Tell me why

It's so hard to say goodbyes

The Kid Laroi

🖤

I refuse to believe what we had was love.

You don’t drop the people that you love,

And you fucking threw me to the ground.

— written by tlm

The Gray Day

I decided that today would be a gray day. It’s not a white day because things are going wrong; but it’s not a black day because I found a way to get better. However, this implies that I hurt someone. I don’t want to, but I’ve been destroyed a little more every day for more than a year. I believe in Love, I really do. But many things went wrong. Maybe it wasn’t real Love and this might explain why it makes me feel this way; or maybe was I too young to be happy with all of this. Whatever the reason is, I decided that I wanted to stop. It’s getting too hard for me. Fortunately, I’m feeling better with myself than I used to, so I haven’t thought about self harm or suicide to end my pain. I think I have to let him go. He doesn’t want to, but we have to. I know myself, and if I stay, I will force myself to do things that hurt me, that make me unhappy, that disgust me, and a few others. I don’t want this to happen, I don’t want to fake smiles or feelings, or make him believe I’m happy with us. Truth is, I was happy in the beginning, when I thought it was forever. But now I’m thinking about the time I still had a choice. Because I feel trapped, I can’t make my own decisions. He tells me to go to bed early and he knows when I don’t, he calls me all the time even though he knows that phones that ring and vibrate are unbearable for me. He has ‘crisis’ when he gets mad and yells at me because I don’t help him. I can’t do anything without receiving lots of messages and calls from him. Together, we stopped cutting ourselves and we got better, but now he’s pulling me down with him while I’m trying to fly. I know that this sounds selfish and I guess I am, but I can’t do this anymore. I wanna be able to do whatever I want without having to justify myself, I want to spend entire days without hearing my phone, I want to meet new people and do what I want with them without having to justify myself, I want to be free. It’s been several hours now since I’ve put my phone on plane mode and I know he’s probably trying to call me, he’s sending me messages, telling me he’s crying and he’s gonna hurt himself. A few hours earlier, I had an idea. I’m gonna write a letter, since we’re all in quarantine, because that’s the only way I can tell him without using a phone. I will write that I can’t do it anymore, that it’s over, and that I need my independence back. I will gather all our things, all our memories, and give them back to him once the quarantine will be over. I’ll delete all our pictures, block him on every social media because I know he won’t leave me alone. And then I’ll tell my ‘best’ (only) friend what happened and we’ll never talk about this again. After all of this; I’ll be able to accept myself as I am, not as I ‘should’ be, and I’ll be there for people that need me, for the ones I lost contact with, and I know I’ve made enough efforts to be able to go talk to people I don’t know, for I’m feeling way stronger than I was. Tonight; I am writing thid on Tumblr but I’m not expecting any reader. I thought I’d just let my mind write this and then I’d post it. If by any chance, someone is reading this, I hope you’re doing okay, and that my text might be a bit useful (pretty sure it’s not tho). I wish you the best.

My ex best friend literally thought it was “cute” that her boyfriend got jealous when she talked to her guy friends, and when she first told me that, I immediately told her that was a red flag. Well guess why they broke up? Because of his jealousy. And then they decided to get back together three days later even though he was moving away in a month and they wouldn’t be trying long distance. Her whole identity and self-confidence hinged on that relationship and I honestly found it all so pathetic.

This is why I don’t trust straight relationships.

Short Poem

She set sail from the harbor on the last remaining ship, she had burnt all the rest.

I couldn't blame her. I understood why she did it,

as I stood on the shore with all my baggage in hand.

"So Long (Need Someone Now)" music video from my album "Of Life & Death".