Lonelly - Blog Posts
I fasted all the way untill supper. I drank some tea, slept, and went up to the roof and listened to a podcast by shrouded head and binge watched YouTube. It's not even dinner time yet. It's 6pm and I'll tidy up by 7pm and shower then I'll start on dinner around 8pm. The sky is nice and gloomy this evening and I feel so lonely, dispaired and hopeless... I wonder if ill ever not be lonely someday?
I don't see myself and my child self as the same person. As a child I was so good. I love her and I think that she deserves the world, but it breaks my heart to know that she is cursed to grow into me.
One day food stops being a treat and then it becomes a sin. One day she will start to smile as she almost falls as she stands up because that means that it's working.
When she does eat she hates herself.
And she misses the days where she felt beautiful. When she didn't get dizzy every time she sees sharp objects. When she didn't know what they feel like in her skin. When she didn't do it anyway because it hurts twice as much when she is so afraid.
And she can't help but wonder when it changed. When she started looking for the diet version of everything. When she stopped eating with her family. When she convinced herself that she was so utterly unlovable.
I wish I could save her because I deserve this but she doesn't. She was young and good. She deserved to end up happy. But she will end up where I am now. And playing dress up will change into dressing the cuts on her skin.
Suddenly make believe food is all that she will eat. Suddenly she's afraid to hug her mom because she knows that she'll feel her bones and she's come too far to stop now.
And she will realize that there is nothing keeping her here except for her fear.
This young girl who had so much love and so many dreams and ambitions is withering away as she grows but nothing changes because she is already too far gone.
And she watches as her health deteriorates because that means that she is small.
But once upon a time she was small, but she was happy and she didn't need to be small because that was not all that she was.
She was smart and kind and hopeful and so so loving
But now she is dying
And she is happy because she will finally be small again and then maybe someone will finally love her like they did back then
Because no one loves her unless she is fading
And she just wants to be held but no one is there anymore and she dreams of the big and warm arms from when she was young, but now her concerns don't make sense anymore, and people are getting tired of her
But she was once a small girl and that girl is doomed because one day she will stop loving herself and she will change everything just to feel loved even for a second
I'm sorry little me. You deserved better and I love you and I'm sorry that I failed you. You were too good for me.
I've never been good with reaching out to people but I finally had my group and I thought that I had found my people
But then time after time as soon as there were other people there it was like I didn't exist anymore and I'm so fucking tired
Is it really so selfish of me to want to feel important for once
Like damn I do everything I can for these people and when I haven't reached out in over a week nobody cares
Nothing changes and they move on without me and then when I finally suck it up and go back because I'm a whore for any sort of attention no matter how fleeting they will act like it's just a silly little thing that I did
I can't stand being alone I can't be alone with myself anymore
But they make me feel so goddamn pathetic
I think it's so much worse this time because for the first time, I had someone. I had someone who I wanted to tell everything and do everything with anf it was reciprocated... For a bit.
But now, that's gone, but it feels like a new and beautiful path to happiness was unlocked and I got to see it and experience how wonderful it was, but now its gone. And even though it hurt so bad most of the time that good times were euphoric.
Nothing can compare to it now. So everything feels hollow and empty.
And I can't get it back because there is not a single soul on this god forsaken earth that would ever want me. Even the one who claimed to like all my odd habits left me and hasn't looked back once or regretted it.
I was just that easy to leave apparently.
But now I wish for a type of love that I will never have because who could ever love me? I sit here aching and so so empty.
I think it might've been better to never love at all. To not have any of these memories of a happiness I'll never have again.
I think it would hurt a lot less that way.
Because I know I gave it everything. It consumed my whole heart and soul and I had so much love to give because finally someone chose me! But now that love has nowhere to go because I got left out of nowhere like there was never a reason to stay.
So now I sit with all that love that I never got to give and it eats me alive. It feels like poison. The empty ache never leaves and when I finally make one step of progress I get sent right back again. And then suddenly there's more poison. Because my hope still hasn't gone away. It stupid and oh so painful but I still hope with my whole heart that I'd be enough to come back for, but I keep getting hurt time and time again.
And I can't stop myself. I go back willingly the second you show interest in me. Because my pride is already gone. My mind is already a mess, you can't possibly ruin it more than you already have.
I have nothing to lose and everything to gain, but everytime that I do gain something, I lose it right away. And I face pain all over again because I never thought that the world could be that cruel. I didn't think I would lose my only lifeline once again, but I should've learned by now.
No one was ever going to save me. They're just going to watch me flail and struggle as I try to find even the most insignificant reason to live. And then they cruely yank it away from me.
I can't keep going like this.
It would be easier just to drown.
I'm always so alone when I'm with people
Everybody leaves me, I'm really such an undesirable person? My classmates say I'm kind, so why nobody want my company?
Ugh I really want a boyfriend
This is so random but I just want someone who loves me in a romantic way and who cares about me and doesn’t care that I have scars. Someone who’s kind and caring and accepts me for who I am. Someone who wants to hang out with me and go places together. And I want him to tell me he likes me so ik it’s real.
What makes this worse is that I think i’m aromantic so i don’t know if i’ll find someone I like but the idea of being with someone is really comforting to me.
Ik even if I do find someone we probably won’t last past high school but idc. I will still be happy as long as they’re a good person.
I’m going to a new school next year and I really hope I find someone and if I do I want us to be good friends first so i already know them. I’ve never had a bf before but hopefully will get one one day.
…And if I can’t escape you then I’ll stop running
And if you want to catch me then I’ll be here waiting…
Give me all your hate, it’s your indifference that I can’t take
Lacrimosa
A short story about a dystopian and post-apocalyptic future, a red sea and devastated sky, saturated in solitude, a protagonist wondering why all this.
The reason for that creature that she baptized as "the final angel" was there, the reflection of human errors made flesh and bone.
tw: philosophical crises, post-apocalyptic world, the main character questions existence, religion.
Year [Unreadable... The number is corrupted...] Date [Corrupted] Time [Corrupted] Location [Imprecise]
The sky is red, and the water looks like pure wine.
There were no signs of life; it's been a long time since I last saw a dog, a fish, a bird, or even an insect. Everything seemed to have vanished.
The only things left were cities flooded with red water, destroyed and submerged cities, scarce patches of dry land that could be found.
And if there was still a part of the land that the water hadn't destroyed yet, those things would do it – those tornadoes coming straight from the sky that seemed to have a life of their own, knowing exactly when to appear. They would destroy whatever was left there, and the land that couldn't be submerged was dry, as dry as a desert.
Sheets of metal abandoned in those deserts, the catastrophe of Black Sunday, it could have been avoided, but they chose this, they chose to condemn us all. Those who were supposed to protect us used us as lab rats.
Only solitude and pain were left behind.
The strong wind from the whirlwinds, gently tugging at the tail of my scarf, the pull of my hair being drawn by the wind. I watch as once again, those whirlwinds sweep through.
All I could do was watch, what else can I do besides crying?
There was nothing else to do, all hope was gone. Was there even hope to begin with? Was there ever hope from the start?
God, are you there? Do we even matter to you? I can guess not, you don't even exist, you're not real.
Just an invention of humanity to give an origin to our existence.
And if you ever were real, God, then you hated us
Hatred, I feel hatred for that nonexistent being, hatred for those who condemned us, hatred for this civilization that sealed its own end. Words will never be enough to express all the hatred I feel right now, there are no words to explain the hatred I feel every attosecond.
When the whirlwind finally disappears, I can see the hole in the clouds, the red sky rumbling, strange cables slowly emerge from the cloud hole, slowly approaching the earth; or perhaps from my point of view, they move slowly. They slowly pierce through the dry earth, I don't know if they simply "connected" or if they are drilling into the interior of the earth. Perhaps it's responsible for the deserts?
A white light illuminates from above down to the cables until the light finally fades upon reaching the earth.
Perhaps hours passed or maybe minutes, I couldn't say, I haven't seen the sun for a long time, its brightness and warmth overshadowed by the reddish sky.
By the time the light disappeared, the cables slowly moved away and returned to the sky, the clouds closed, and the tornadoes disappeared.
Descending from the large stone tube, the sound of my worn-out boots against the dry ground, with each step, the sound of the earth crawling could be heard.
Now I knew what those cables were doing, they were drills, drilling into the earth for reasons unknown to me, but at this point, it was the last thing or perhaps absolutely nothing that mattered to me.
I still remember, I remember the day, Black Sunday.
I was at school when it happened, suddenly the sky lit up in pure white blinding us and then the sky turned red, the ground shook, and a strong dust cloud that wiped out houses was approaching us, and large pillars of light rose behind, we didn't have time to react when it hit, the screams, their bodies imploded and so did mine, cascades of blood and the remains of clothing and bone left behind.
When I opened my eyes again, I only saw a large sphere with different colors, I was part of that, and we were being sucked into a black hole that seemed to come out of something white.
I don't remember what happened in there or what happened outside for us to escape, sometimes, I see those lights again. It took me a while to realize that those spherical lights were the remains of what was once the physical form of a human being, that's how I used to be before, my body had been destroyed, and what was left became part of the red, and the rest was taken by that thing.
Those black holes belonged to that, they weren't black holes; they were more like mouths, we were being devoured. It spat us out after a certain event outside, our remains returned to our reddish waste, and we regained physical form.
I prefer to call that thing "The Final Angel", the Angel so immense, larger than the earth, maybe even two or three times larger, soaring through space with the sound of flapping in the muffled noise of space.
I look towards the horizon, the red sky turns white, and the reddish is engulfed in cobwebs that snake, changing shapes, the horrible white iris, black lines snaking through its eyes, the pallor of its skin, and its horrible smile. It smiles, smiles as it left us, it was a smile of victory and fun; she smiles at seeing our destruction. But there's something more in its eyes, there was pain, it wasn't an "Angel", not a "Demon" or a "God", it's a human.
With a final look at the gracious being, its gaze melts away, leaving the horrifying gaze, bony face, and sunken eyes that flicker with darkness.
The pillars of light that had lost their shine regained it forcefully as they ascended slowly into the sky. The dust rose in large clouds of dirt where the pillars once stood, the fresh air hit my face, my scarf dancing to the slow rhythm, and I could feel my hair gently swaying.
I half close my eyes; I can't see myself, but I know in this moment, my face must have a grimace; everything was going to happen again, right?
Compiling Mirthday feels like walking through a forest of thoughts, deciding which trees to let grow and which to prune. This book is my heart in prose and poetry—a map of solitude’s hidden trails. SOLITUDE AND LONELINESS, TIME AND CHANGE, INDETITY AND EXPECTATIONS, THE ABSURDITY OF LIFE, MENTAL HEALTH AND SOCIETY EXPECTATIONS all loom in atleast all the pieces i have so far collected .
feel free to be a part of this experience here and its free mate.
https://www.patreon.com/lifepath25
What's heartbreaking is, that some don't even understand the love they demand and desire to be given and this has tremendously led to more oceans of sorrow and unbearable pain.
Some bloomed in the same loneliness
that mutilated others.
Like in every other pursuit soccer, music, painting, writing or a degree in medicine some succeed while others plummet. Likewise loneliness follows suit some flourish in it others are demolished by it. even when they seem to revel in their solitude. @lifepath25
Reality check-poem
Feeling so lonely but got message or two!
Im so excited what can I do?!
Answering fast,my mind have no break...
But one is a scammer and other is fake
third want a photo but Im not well looking guy
so sender stops answering and my hopes fly...
So I go outside to local bar there is "ha ha" and "he he" but that is so far.
So thats it my "friend" thats my whining
sitting in the dark where sun never shining.
the cartoons and the movies have no wide-eyed gazes to look back at them. no light of day to shine across the dusty screen. abandoned life, abandoned dreams. left lonely and hidden beyond care. what does it all mean. in this ghost town.
-s's.
i think you're the sweetest guy in the world
but if you hold me without hurting me you'll be the first who ever did
when's it gonna be my turn?!
