Bsd Anime - Blog Posts

Do you ever think that Ranpo accidentally lets out, like, major secrets because he genuinely forgets what these less-intelligent life forms can and cannot figure out for themselves?

"Oh, it was so obvious I thought everyone already knew it and was staying silent out of politeness."

"No, we didn't know! And why would we stay quiet over such a matter???"

"I DON'T KNOW HOW MANNERS WORK!"

If Dazai doesn't come out of this whole situation with Batman levels of obsessiveness over the few, good things left in his life then I will actually riot.

This is going to be a wild take: under certain circumstances, I actually wouldn't mind if Dazai stayed dead.

Obviously, I want him alive, and am still in denial about how permanent his death truly is. But what's worse than an outright statement going "Dazai is dead and will never be brought back to BSD", is the uncertainty (partially because of the fandom). If he's dead, I want to have a skk scene that obliterates my heart.

I want what's left of the PM or the ADA to find vampire Chuuya, cradling Dazai's rotting corpse in his arms as he tries again and again, unsuccessfully, to save him by turning him into a vampire. Where each time he tries, Dazai's ability lashes out and removes the foreign ability, and he dies all over again. I want a Chuuya who has already been turned back to a human during one of his attempts, but still continues anyways because he can't cope, until the people who found him have to physically pry him away from Dazai.

I have a craving, and that craving is hurt/no comfort.

Chuuya:

My favorite part about the BSD fandom is that the majority of us can agree that Chuuya, of all people, is the serial adopter in the anime.

Chuuya:

Grabbing both Akutagawa siblings: "Mine."

Grabbing Kyouka: "Mine."

Grabbing Kenji: "Mine."

Dragging Atsushi by his suspenders: "I'll take this one too for good measure."

Kyuusaku, in the travel-sized child carrier strapped to his chest: :)

Atsushi, to Akutagawa: "I may be a cat, but you'll always be my little meow meow."

bungo stray dogs season 4 spoilers ahead ;

if this is dazai's way of communicating with the outside world, how do you think fyodor rely messages to his comrades?

lord have mercy

istg the new season of bungo stray dogs isn't getting enough attention like dude, the start of it is literally ranpo's backstory c'mon, ppl need to start watching it

GUYS THERE'S A TRANSLATION FOR CHAPTER 96 NOW:

https://bungostraydogs.online/manga/bungou-stray-dogs-chapter-96/

credits to czkkn_upload

This looks like something straight out of a yandere fanfiction 😻😻 Can't wait to see yandere fics with these photos

I can’t believe this is my first drawing in 2024

Based on this tweet:

https://x.com/himitsuyusei/status/1741995172366266806?s=61&t=sWZfkkXVEjq5r0ZgLGAh7A

[Read from left to right]

Her name was Maria. I decided to name her after the author Dostoevsky’s mother which can simultaneously be a reference to Jesus’ mother’s name as well, adding to the symbolism.

This is probably the most cliché part so far but I support the mama’s boy Fyodor headcanons unconditionally 😁

All thanks go to Arabella W. for helping me out with the script <3

Made my day! XD

I really can imagine he would do something like that.

He'll grow back. He just need sunlight and fertilizer.

Analysis of the new official art of Fyodor for Volume 26

It’s truly magnificent.

I am going to go heavy on the flowers because its meaning is very relevant for the following but don’t worry, there are also many interesting things we’ll analyse. Too many things to say. I am gonna try to stay focused and do something neat. Let’s talk first about the floral background, and the skulls which is honestly the first thing I that intrigued me.

The flowers we can see on the foreground and background are lilies.

• The lilies are a symbol of purity and innocence, representing Fyodor’s ideal vision of a “pure” world free of sinners.

They are additionally associated with the concept of new beginnings and fresh starts, renewal, which could refer to the creation of a new world free of sin. A new start for a pure humanity that Fyodor wishes to establish.

In numerology, lilies are often associated to 7 and 9 :

• The number 7 is linked to spirituality, which aligns with the symbolism of lilies as a representation of purity, enlightenment, and divine connection. And it makes sense with Fyodor’s strong religious beliefs and that he seeks to bring people to a sinless life while fulfilling the will of god.

• The number 9 is associated with completion, humanitarianism, and transformation, which complements the lily’s symbolic role in representing renewal (such as resurrection in Christianity) and which also reminds of the nature of Fyodor’s ability to be brought back to life (like a new man) through the sacrifice of his killer.

Basically « humanitarianism » is the belief in promoting the welfare of others and taking action to alleviate human suffering. But we’ll look at it on a spiritual view. Basically, in religion, humans suffer in sin : That, therefore, Fyodor is going to take it upon himself to « save » people.

We’ve also, throughout the manga, seen that Fyodor is a « people person » this fact along with this new official art also resonates with a saying of the REAL Fyodor Dostoyevsky : « Every man is not only responsible for everything he does but for everything everyone else does » but anyway I am digressing.

Lilies also signify a higher consciousness, acting as a bridge between the earthly and divine realms. Like Fyodor who acts like the right hand of god by bringing the godly virtue upon humans.

One single thing that is very important that I haven’t said yet, is that the Lily is also associated to death since death itself could be associated to renewal. We could see lilies in churchyards, it is also offered to the family of someone deceased for memorial purposes.

So

HEAR ME OUT : We can also notice ONE SINGLE lily next to Fyodor’s hand on the foreground which could symbolise here Fyodor’s imminent or future death that awaits him OR we can understand that, since said flower is next to his hand, that it’s death and renewal that he’s giving/offering to the world.

• The skulls: These morbid elements ground the viewer in the reality of his actions’ consequences: a massacre and massive destruction to achieve his goal. The combination of lilies and skulls reflects the duality of his intentions, which he perceives as noble but are profoundly destructive.

Conclusion about the association of Lilies and skulls : What we could keep in mind is that the lilies strengthen the idea of purity or “moral justification” that he attributes to himself in his quest, while the skulls remind us of the violence and sacrifices he is willing to make for his ideology.

The Cape and the Fur : Fyodor’s cape is often highlighted when he is represented in key moments of the manga, either by its proportion in the image or often by its movements. Even today, this is the case in this official art.

Fyodor’s black cape is lined with fur, emphasizes his role as an authoritarian and almost divine figure. The fur evokes a high status, a certain royalty, while black often symbolizes mystery (indeed, we know little to nothing about Fyodor) or even evil in collective imagery.

Fyodor’s expression and gaze : His calm, almost mocking expression highlights his disdain for his opponents and his sense of superiority. His half-closed eyes add an intriguing aura, as if he is silently judging those who look at him, aligning with his role as an antagonist.

Posture and Aura: His elegance and calmness highlight his role as a methodical and imperturbable antagonist, convinced of the righteousness of his actions. Indeed he has faced numerous people that opposed his ideas throughout his quest. The last one so far was Fukuzawa and at that, Fyodor stays imperturbable, confident in his beliefs.

The Ushanka in His Hands : More than a simple cultural symbol, it could reflect his connection to his roots or the idea of Russia, especially with the fact that he’s bringing it to his chest. Lols it made me think about the fact that he told Atsushi that he was going to go back « home », which, we could guess, would be « somewhere » in Russia as something he couldn’t wait to do. Like at the end of one’s day when you can just go back home after you finished work/ school etc.. this kind of relief and anticipation.

I don’t know if it has its place here but I am just sharing my thought, make of it as you wish.

The general symbolism.

The image seems to reflect the paradox of the character. Fyodor views his plan as a quest for purity and perfection (lilies), yet he sows death (skulls) along the way. The ushanka and other Russian visual elements reinforce his identity and his conviction that he is acting for a higher ideal, even though his approach is cold and ruthless.

Voilà !

Thanks you for sticking around till the end. Do not hesitate to give me your thoughts on it (comments or dms).

It is my first time making an analysis, I was very much excited to make one and today was the day.

.

Sorry not sorry. But some people need to read this.

Tw: when I am employing the word « delusional » I am not referring to the medical definition of it.

What I am going to be saying is going to be disliked by some. But I don’t care.

I am going to be talking right now about a phenomenon that I’ve been seeing ever since I started reading mangas and watching animes and it has always bothered me.

And guess what ? I am not the only one being bothered by that, which reassures me.

The problem is the following:

Each time there’s a genuine friendship between two male characters or even two females in a manga/anime, people dirty it by gluing on it, their own fantasies and making it somewhat romantic/sexual, by inventing a « sexual tension » between these protagonists.

Always happens in the anime/manga universe.

…and I am going to tell you why it’s a problem/bothersome situation for many :

The problem is that it renders the story less deep and genuine and more people are influenced in thinking that, a male character, by being nice to another male (same for females), is romantic or whatever.

Like some of y’all are sexualising everything. Get it together.

This is, most of the time (actually 99% of the time but okay), LITTERALY delusion because the authors have never, ever meant for their characters to be viewed as anything but genuine friends/acquaintances..

It distorts the story for nothing and, in my opinion, it is disrespectful to the creators of the manga, to just take their characters and create a quiproquo on it. Sorry not sorry to say it.

As an example, let me take the « Dazai x Chuuya » fans.

The readers go as far as totally disregarding the fact that, Dazai, since literally the first episode, has implied that he was not attracted to guys. On top of that, he’s kinda depicted as the guy who likes women (/is low-key a womaniser). Never, ever was there anything that would make him attracted to Chuuya as a male.

(It also happens for JJK and others… )

Therefore, you’re disregarding the genuine and complex aspects of a potential friendship and understanding between the characters, to glue on it what you would have wished it to be : a romantic or sexual attraction. It’s a projection of what YOU would have WANTED it to be.

Simple example for BSD: Asagiri himself has said that there is nothing between Chuuya and Dazai, that they really don’t appreciate each other.

Now for all those who think that they like each other: it’s fine but that means that there’s something you´ve misunderstood in the story. Go back to it and try to analyse better the interactions and contexts. It’s fine really cuz, it could happen to anyone to misunderstand something, I am not criticising. Just signaling a risk.

It is actually immoral to distort a character’s sexuality like what ?! It becomes a habit and people do it also for celebrities. It’s kinda going too far.

It’s not for you to decide.

When it’s « not a big deal » for some, it could actually represent a big deal for many. And make many people uncomfortable.

Respectfully :

You wanna do your fanfics ? NO PROBLEM really ! be our guests ! but do it in the context of a fanfic, after putting on a disclaimer, as a respectful gesture for the creators of mangas !

(On the other hand, when people write « character x reader », it doesn’t distorts the original story cuz Y/N just doesn’t exist).

BUT rubbing it down our throats without any context as if it was a general truth provided by the creators, that « these characters are in love/sexually attracted to one another » NO. Keep it for yourself or your group of friends if y’all agree on it.

Again, many many people feel as uncomfortable as I, regarding this. It’s kinda also getting out of hand.

It’s getting out of hand especially when I see fandoms like the Black butler fandom where they imagine a « sexual tension » between Sebastian that is an adult and Ciel that is 13 !

Like it or not. I am not sorry for being respectful and realistic.

And I am encouraging everyone to talk and expose that, because this is not fine.

Some decency is needed :

Not everything is okay with what people are doing on the internet. You can have your « dirty thoughts » but don’t expose them, not everyone wishes to hear about it. Some things have to stay between you and yourself.

Kids/ teens :

And kids/teens (all those below 18) y’all need to get off your phones a little and go play outside or meet your friends (for teens ig) if you don’t wanna end up in depression at an early age or with extremely poor social skills.

At least take a real book like ones at the school library and learn things. Instead of learning how to .. by reading explicit content cuz you never listen when we tell you that a certain one shot is +18.

Again, I am not sorry. I am pissed.

But like..look at this baby..

Hurt/ comfort

MINORS DNI

Steam

Fyodor Dostoyevsky x fem! reader

Trigger warning: angst (?), unhealthy relationship, implied intercourse.

This is +18 (minors don’t read this, go away).

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You dumped him.. what a shame really.

He was thinking amused.

All these moments spent together.. for you to dump him easily like that. What a bad joke.

Do you really think you can dump me like that ?

I am the best partner she could ever have, she’ll find no one like me.

After another day of Fyodor working and not spearing you a glance, you got fed up. Pretty badly. Quit the house, came back 3 days later to announce him you no longer wanted to be in a relationship with someone so uncaring like him. How would you be called a couple if there were times where he wouldn’t spare you a single glance in a period of three days ?!

If he loved me, he would take the time to pay some attention to me. I am his partner after all. Instead of that, he’s spending the whole day in front of his computer, working. You thought, mind reeling.

So you took your things and left. Your pride would never let you stay in a situation like this one. He didn’t want to care ? Fine. You didn’t have to put up with this. This wasn’t the kind of relationship you wanted and you were determined to move forward, leaving the past behind you, for the light of the futur ahead.

The problem is that Fyodor…will not let you go.

According to his logic : you’re his and his only, he hasn’t juged it necessary to end the relationship for such a trivial matter so he’s not willing to free you. Plus, he knew this was going to happen at some point, he’s far from stupid. He sensed you were tense as of late, that your patience was running thin and that he was upsetting you. Only, he decided to not put much effort into it and put his work first.

While you were chilling peacefully at your new apartment, you thought you were in secure and that he has let go of you. That you were back to being the master of your life and choices and that you did well. Little did you know that a certain demon is just behind the entrance of your house waiting for the right moment before opening your door.

Fyodor has a certain crush on you, that’s precisely why he dated you in the first place. You were rebel, defiant, full of life and gracious, your intelligence was notable and were also ambitious, reasonable and strong. He wouldn’t accept letting someone else have you. Even the idea of entering your shared bedroom and not finding you ready to cuddle him, was an unacceptable idea.

That’s why he’s here now, ready to jump on his prey.

He’s missed you so much, your smell, your skin, your presence, your.. everything. He craved having a hold on you again. All he desires now is to shove you back in your shared apartment and chain you up so you’ll never go away, even when he ignores you for the sake of his work.

Suddenly he hears a laugh coming from the other side of the door. You seem to be speaking on the phone with someone.

And though the sound of your laughter is pleasant, he couldn’t ignore the vile ideas that crept up his mind.

You must be talking to your irking friends again..

Oh your sociability… if Fyodor could name ONE thing about your that irks him, it would be that.

You were enjoying too much the company of other people. You’re so open that people are naturally drawn to you. And he dislikes that , he hates the stares that you get from your guys friends, he hates when they monopolised you or when someone texts you late at night and you making yourself so available for them. You should only be available for him.

Why should anybody else have access to you ? You’re his thing and his thing alone. And he doesn’t want to share HIS THING.

He was jealous, possessive, you name it. He knew in his somber mind that, if he let you, one of these friends of yours would jump onto the occasion to get closer to you in hopes of being with you. And he’ll never allow such thing. Ever.

He was still waiting in front of the entrance of your new house. He waited for you to go take your nightly shower as you always do, so he could sneak inside the house without you noticing or trying to stop him.

He was carefully listening to what’s happening inside the house when he finally heard your footsteps, a door opening, then closing.

You finally went to take a shower. It was now time for him to enter.

Tik tik tik.. BINGO.

The bobby pin opened the door.

He silently entered the house, checked around and saw your clothes on the couch. Those you’ve just took off to wash yourself.

He was finally smelling your sent.

Then, an idea popped in his eccentric head.

He slowly took his clothes off in order to avoid making any sound, then, casually made his way to your bathroom as if he was in his own house. He, very, very silently entered your bathroom.

Because of the sound of water falling, you couldn’t quite hear the door opening and closing and the fact you were facing the opposite direction of the door prevented you from seeing your « ex boyfriend » casually making his way to you with his usual smirk. Yeah, that crazy psychopathic smirk.

Only this time, his eyes were dark from the excitement of having you at his mercy not even one foot away from him.. vulnerable. He didn’t waste any time before entering the Italian shower you were in hugging you from behind. Smelling you, touching you.. oh how he missed this. It’s been only two weeks since you dumped him, and still, he was craving you. He was never a dependent man and he’s still not one but let’s say.. he was smitten by you.

Feeling suddenly someone against you scared you to death, you jumped and trembled from fear against him, until you heard a certain voice behind you, whispering you to calm down and kissing your skin.

- « Calm down it’s just me. » He said

As if he was supposed to be here, in the first place.

Freezing in place, you slowly turned your head to look at him, still hugging you from behind, nuzzling his face on your neck while slowly massaging your skin. Needless to say you were flabbergasted and you haven’t calmed down much. Knowing him, you understood he was up to something but seeing him hug you showed that he wasn’t there to harm you.

- « What are you doing here Fyodor ?! You broke into my house AND had the audacity to enter when I am showering ? » You angrily spat. You weren’t going to let him disrespect you like this.

- « Well I am free to see my partner whenever I want to, I’am I not ? » He added with a sultry voice and a mischievous smirk looking at you with a predator’s eyes.

When you were going to object and say that you were no longer together, he beat you and added:

- « Plus, I don’t like the fact of you taking decisions that concerns the both of us by yourself.. You want to split, but I don’t. And, as I consider that you belong to me, I get to choose. I consider we’re still together. Moreover, you’ll never find someone like me so why fight ? » He calmly added with a smirk and a fake innocent look.

You were flabbergasted in front of such a man. You would’ve never thought that if you were to end the relationship, Fyodor would have that reaction. Meanwhile, he continued trailing kisses up your neck and jawline as if nothing was happening. When you snapped out of your shock you removed his hands from you and turned to properly face him. Facing him, you see him smirking and shamelessly looking down at your exposed body with darkened eyes and, of course this never-leaving smirk of his.. wider than usual. You felt… naked but that’s what you were. You had to concentrate to not let your eyes roam down HIS body that was naked too.

Once you focused, you started :

- « Fyodor, in case you haven’t noticed, I am a grown woman and you don’t get to choose wether I stay with you or not. I ended the relationship for solid reasons and if you don’t like it, then it’s your problem, should’ve thought about it before. Now I’ll be asking you to get out of my house. » you simply said, looking at him straight in the eyes, mustering as much charisma as you could while facing such an insane man.

Oh god how he loved when you would stand your ground and defy him. A wild thing.. he was thinking. That was something new to him since everyone was scared of him in the outside. Seeing you like this is just so entertaining to him. Though he was looking at you like one would look at a little child uttering threats. He knew he could take you home anytime he wanted whether you liked it or not. So he was just pleased by what he had before him.

In an instant you found yourself sammed against the wet wall of your shower. Looking up, you saw Fyodor leaning towards you so your faces would be only an inch apart. He’s looking at you in the eyes with an overwhelming intensity.. You suddenly felt very little (feeling accentuated by your height difference) and couldn’t do anything besides maintaining the eye contact with him in order to put up a fight, just for your pride. It was your way of showing him that you weren’t going to submit to him.

He loved it.

It made it all the more enjoyable to dominate you. Suddenly his lips locked against yours in a very deep, passionate kiss. You tried to push him off but he pinned your wrists against the wall, effectively forcing you to kiss him back.

It was at this moment you knew it was over for you.

Fyodor was the type to get what he wanted one way or another and you couldn’t escape him. He would either use gentleness or force and he wasn’t very patient. All of this was a message for you to understand. He was deciding, not you.

The problem is that you still had a weak spot for him.. it’s been only two weeks since you broke up with him and either way you didn’t have the choice but to accept him again in your life.

——————————————————————

After your.. rather steamy shower, you both got out of the bathroom. Not wasting anymore time, he demanded you to pack your things so you could go back home, to your shared apartment.

When you two came back, he turned towards you, with a deep stare, his violet eyes gleaming dangerously and said :

- « Next time you try to run away from me, when I find you, I’ll chain you to the bed. » He sinisterly warned.

You shuddered at his tone. Everything in his facial and body language suggested that he was extremely serious and that he wouldn’t hesitate next time.

- « Understood ? » he added with a glare.

You curtly nodded, still shuddering.

He smirked.

- « Good little girl, now come .. » he grabbed your wrist and yanked you towards him.

You were stuck.

.

Hurt/ angst/ comfort

Nikolai Gogol x fem!reader

Night changes

MINORS DNI

This story is +18. If you are minor, quit or at least don’t interact.

Trigger warning: mentions of blood, wounds, violence/domestic violence, sadistic behaviour, cold weapon, affective dependency. Nikolai is his own TW atp.

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It was too much. You’ve reached your limit.

Looking forward, you could only see chaos and ruination of your persona. Nothing more.

And certainly, nothing less.

Certainly, at these times you ask yourself « what happened », foolishly, gazing at the poor state you were left in « why even ? ». For nothing.

Oh. Yes. I’ve loved. The wrong person.

Sacrificial, you choose yourself to be, indeed.

It wasn’t rare for you to be quietly sitting on the couch with your so called lover (the one who could be so lovely and affectionate) until he suddenly would turn into a monster. Giggling and laughing at your pain

— Ah.. search for freedom it is. —

Like now…

« HahAhaHa if you just looked at your face when I stabbed you. Like a shocked puppy !! »

This relationship was still so important to you.

Always you heard that love was staying through the hard times. It was supposedly normal to « Go through hell for the one you love » — isn’t it ?

That’s why you’ve always been so loving and genuine about your feelings and continued being so, even through the hardest times.

Certainly, you yearned for someone to love, who would love you back and cherish you…

Only.. you haven’t got this chance.

You indeed found someone to love but the feeling wasn’t reciprocated ?.. Or was the feeling present but not reciprocated correctly, loosing itself between a negation operated by none other than your lover due to his obsession with freedom and his selfishness?

An absurd choice made by a man to tangle himself in a relationship when bearing such an unrealistic ambition. Freedom from emotions.

Harm, pain, sadness and humiliation was all you knew.

You knew you betrayed yourself for nothing. And you were continuing to do so.

Indeed Nikolai could seem very friendly, even adorable at first glance but.. He could actually be the very monster before you, enjoying your pain. Uselessly.

..like now.

Facing you with what he likes to call his « amusement tools » which consisted of knives of all shapes and sizes.

Very sharp knives.

«  Come on doll ! I haven’t finished yet ! » he said stomping his foot on the floor.

The floor, littered with broken glass, from the very same vase you’ve put the very flowers he offered you.

Both standing in the kitchen. A wold and a lamb.

You, against the wall, behind a table that was sparing you from the monster before you, ready to harm you at any moment.

You were all bleeding and sobbing from the harm you’ve been enduring.

You were like an object. Hugging you when he felt like it and hurting you when he felt like it.

Blood from your arms was pouring and staining your beautiful dress. Such a mess.

How did it come to this ? Was a recurrent question which didn’t seem to leave your mind.

« Nikolai please .. » your voice pleading and quivering.

« Come on darling » urging you  « hold out you hand.. » he pouted maliciously.

Trying to struggle was always vain. He was always stronger than you.

One hit.

Blood platter on the floor.

One time too much.

Time stopped..

Through your tears, you looked at your stained, torn clothes, at your bleeding arms and palm… Slowly your gaze trailed till it reached his face. The man you loved and cherished so much was the source your pain and sadness..

Standing with a Cheshire grin.

He was the one harming you and putting you through chaos, through pain. You looked at him in the eyes.. eyes full of grief and regret. He paused.

Love should never be like that.

The shift in the atmosphere happened when he suddenly noticed something changed in you. Your eyes.. they lost their light, they became cold and distant.

He felt a clench in his heart and.. guilt ? He then knew, by the way you looked at him...

He was loosing you.

The smile in his face.. long gone. Realisation hiting was a reminder of his failure.

Slowly, you turned around the table avoiding him, wearing your long coat, you lifelessly exited the house with your heart torn apart.

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It was a rainy day. How funny.. like an attempt of the weather to match the storm present in your heart.

At least, the teardrops flowing down your cheeks would be mistaken for rain. This way, people won’t stare.

It was cold outside, you were crossing your arms trying to shield yourself from the cold. Slowly walking between all the passengers, you started thinking about how your life would have been if you haven’t encountered Nikolai.

Certainly better.

With your hands cold and your heart clenching you made it to a bench at a parc and as it was afternoon, you could see the deep orange sun setting. Its warmth deeply contrasted with the coldness of the rain.

It was truly beautiful.

The more time passed, the colder it got. To survive that, the only thing you could do is hug your legs against your chest and rocking back and forth in an effort to create some warmth.

It was night now, the sun has completely set. The only light you had was coming from the street lamps.

By that time, there was no one left in the parc, only the sound of crickets and the leaves blowed by the wind.

You found yourself lulled by the sounds.. if only you weren’t in such a messy state, you could have been able to really enjoy sitting here..

Instead, your face felt heavy from crying and your mind raced.

You wondered what you were going to do now that you managed to exit the house. You have nowhere to go. If Nikolai finds you at your family’s place he could harm them and that was a risk you didn’t want to take. Staying with someone as violent was your fault and you weren’t going to put your loved one’s security at stake.

The only place you could go to would be a hotel and even there, Nikolai could still find you, but at least, the only person who would be harmed would be you.

You have no exit.

You knew that your so-called boyfriend would find you wherever you go and that trying so hard to escape was useless.

The calmness of the scenery got to you and you were starting to feel sleepy when you heard the sounds of footsteps on the grass.

So tired from all the crying you’ve done, you had a hard time focusing on the person that was walking towards you.

Suddenly, the realisation hit you and you stiffened, eyes wide. The silhouette was one you would recognise between hundreds of others.

Slowly approaching.. like a predator towards his prey.

This is it.. he’s going to kill me.

Today is my last.

These moments are my last.

Trembling.. you were trembling from fear, the man before you was a monster.

Slowly coming under the light, you could finally see his face.

Surprisingly enough, he wasn’t wearing that sadistic smile of his… the smile of a predator.

He seemed actually.. sad ?

Without a word, with a shocking call, he sat beside you. Leaving you apprehensive of his intentions.

His demeanour was strange, wasn’t as malicious as usual, he wasn’t moving with his habitual eccentricity. A certain distance between the too of you was kept as if he was waiting for an answer, or a reaction.

You blinked, the wind blowing on your week frame.

The situation being too stressful resulted on you suddenly bursting into tears.

- « What did I ever do to you to treat me like this ?! Do I really deserve that ?! » your voice breaking from the precedent amount of cries, of sobs.

Sitting beside you, you see Nikolai flinch and for a minute you saw what looked like.. guilt ? Sadness ? Regret ?

But could you trust it ? Could you trust your red puffy eyes, tired from weeping all day ?

As the silence grew, you continued « I’ve always gave you all my love.. I just wanted to love and be loved that’s all.. that’s all I wanted ».

You looked at him desperate, trying to get an answer instead of that mysterious emotion on his face.

« All you did was hurting me. Pain, that’s all you gave me back.. You must really hate me a lot for doing all this to me»

Besides you, Nikolai was trying his best to look stoic but, the pang on his heart was too painful to be able to do much.

« I am…sorry.. sweetheart.. let’s just go home »

« I wish I’ve never met you, Nikolai » you added, hot tears pooling down your cheeks. Indeed you fell terribly for him very shortly after your first meeting. Even at that time, something in your heart told you it would never be the same.

A hug. Strangely warm, compared to his meek precedent attempts. Without a word you stayed like this, only hearing each others breaths and sharing a non habitual warmth.

It’s too hard. That’s what you’ve always wanted. And he’s only giving it to you now. When it felt like it was over.

Was he trying to soothe you before he leaves you dead ?

After a long unmeasured moment of silence, you were the one to break it with a tired voice « You’ve hurt me. Again and again. How many time you said sorry before? Did it change anything ? » your eyes heavy, betraying you while you needed to be the most alert.

Tears were still running down your reddened cheeks.

Time passed by still in silence in the same position. Hugged by your executioner.

Instead of a proper response, Nikolai scoops you up in his arms, and without a word took the path back home. Startled, looking at his face, he seems solemn, uncharacteristically serious.

What could you do ? From the first time you saw him, you knew you were too far gone. Your fault for being thirsty for love.

« Nikolai, this is my last try with you.. » a white lie you couldn’t even believe yourself.

And as silence persisted, the only thing you could hear was his steps on the grass.

You felt warm at the idea that he actually might change. That maybe, he was sincere.

You wouldn’t bet your life on it though.

But a sparkle of hope remained.

.

...I swear I can explain why I watch this type of stuff-

u guys HAVE to hear this