i had a dream last night that i had been born the right way, that i had no trouble listening and made friends easily and straightened my hair and dated only ben from highschool until i got married to him. that our ring was gold even though silver is my color and i don't support diamonds
i had a dream that i hadn't ever been ugly or weird, that we'd had enough money to actually afford the clothes everyone was wearing and in eighth grade i actually twisted my ankle in ugg boots. that all my memories were now diagonally drawn across the river i should have been raised from -
we walked down boston in the chill and i kept talking about how lucky i was to have a wonderful husband and how my father's love poured over our relationship in evergreen gin - i swear sometimes i think he prefers ben - and all the girls that bullied me were now my beautiful friends with husbands and lives of their own, spun out in gold and rhinestones
i had a dream that i hadn't been made wrong, that god had treated me gently, that the hole that opened in me hadn't seeped into everything, staining all of my fingers in chaos and lightning. i had a dream i didn't know secrets about sharp things or how deep the hole goes or how hard someone can hit rock bottom, the snap of the bone.
i had a dream i kept twisting the ring and turning to my oldest friend, who was frowning. barely looking at me. i had a dream i got straight a's and went to a different college but it meant we lost touch after it. she wasn't the same here - strange, unloving, chilly. something is wrong, i kept saying. we were just out for boba tea. my hair was long and pretty and i'd never dyed it enough to turn it frizzy. something is wrong and i think it's with me.
in this world, i still went to church. in this world, i had never been abandoned. in this world, i had never disappointed my parents. in this world, neither she nor i ever kissed girls and meant it. she hadn't met her wife. in this world, nothing ever needed fixing. i didn't ruin things compulsively.
is it worth it? she said, watching me. is it worth it, everything that's missing?