Chaos Academia - Blog Posts

disquiet

A piece of me is always missing, Like the last block of lego that I can never seem to find One empty space right in the center of the jigsaw puzzle. I'm not sure if I lost it along the way. I'm not sure if I'm yet to find it. But lately, the gap seems more blatant. I'm anxious that it's visible to the people around me. That when they look at me, they see half a person. It's almost like I'm mimicking a being While I'm on the quest for the missing elements.

Sometimes, everything is wholesome! Golden skies, daisies, moongazing, Dusty libraries where ghosts of dead poets linger, Tight hugs, acts that mean "I'm thinking of you.", I look at my picture with my friends, smiling ear to ear And the jigsaw puzzle is complete. (or it was, then.) Some memories in me are so perfect that, The missing lego piece starts to feel like an extra piece From the table, you're trying to put together. It works fine without it, and there's nowhere to put it.

Then I'm back in my bed, back in my head. And I cannot remember how to be a whole person again I eat chocolate until I'm nauseated Or I never draw the curtains open and let the light flow through. I want to live life to the fullest, I never want to be seen in public again, I want all-consuming love, I want to believe I'm worthy of it, I want to feel complete when I'm alone, I want someone to feel complete with.

I want and I want and I want… Socrates said, (Yes, I went there) "He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have." What about, She who is never content with who she is? What about me?

I wanna make a mistake, why can’t I make a mistake.

Argh! Finally, the season when I feel like a hundred year old vampire is stalking me is coming

co-organizing a poetry reading today

I spend a lot of time just smoking and drinking wine in this window, and It is not even mine.

i love her i love her i love her

i love her i love her i love her

i love her i love her i love her

I think I made her up

paintings from my aunt's walls

Tomorrow will be a long day

second home

Nihilism in the graveyard

my classmate invited me to some gathering with her artistic friends where we would enjoy photos (from some old camera i quess) projected on a balcony wall and drink wine. She herself said that its very pretentious and that is exactly what i am looking for but i am intimidated by the chaotic academia vibe people coming, what should i do?

Back to school

Wine night with my friends. Maybe will organize bacchanal later idk

Secret societies are still the fashion

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

Finally its getting colder

A man died and left me his books

Watching The Dreamers (2003) directed by Bernardo Bertolucci felt like reading The Secret History by Donna Tart and I honestly couldn't get into detail why but it just felt simalar. I guess Its the dark academia feeling in it but still, both are very good in my opinion

All thirteen-year-old girls deserve(d) better

|The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides|

I think It's a gift that I understand this book, that I feel what the girls in it felt. The book show the tragedy of being a woman through eyes of boys (malegaze) who are trying to understand but only you, if you were in the girls skin at least once, will get.

Yes, I am literary going to give Donna Tart another goddamn chance to shatter my heart and soul and make me feel misserable but at least make me feel something BIG

THOUGHTS ON:

,,THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY"

Yeah, that's it.

It's very gay.

And I enjoyed it.

EXISTENTIAL CRISIS

the weird thing is that I have this head on top of my bookshelf and now she is on the floor? I didn't hear her fell... Hope it was just wind

Maybe It would even look slightly aesthetic if it wasn't taken on android

Is this how you are supposed to store fruit?

I just finished the second week of uni. It went by really quickly, it's been good. I don't have much work yet so I've been getting back into substack lately.

I made an instagram account specifically for my writing, it's @thatswhytheycallmeanitaa, i hope you follow it. I also hope you follow my substack, you won't regret it.

I'm currently reading Antigone, for uni; it always makes me tear up. I'm writing a lot, in fact I will post an essay on substack tomorrow (hopefully).

Substack is a strange place, just as tumblr or letterboxd are, it's hard to find a community there, plus nobody I know in real life ever uses any of these apps. Most of my Substack followers and subscribers are people I know irl who decided to subscribe to do me a favor, but they never read, like or comment on my posts; it's discouraging.

For all my life I've thought the only possible job I could ever have was to be a writer or artist, now, already in university, I fear people might not want to consume my art; I fear being invisible.

Maybe this is weird, but I'm scared. I've only ever wanted to write, and to have people consume my writing.

Anyways, I'm going crazy but I still love all of you,

Xx, lots of love,

Anna

Starting uni today, I've been trying to hold my tears in since I woke up. I couldn't get much sleep because of how nervous I was, I woke up at three in the morning, and finally got up to get ready at five; It's almost seven now.

How strange this is, I feel as if my youth withered away. I miss my childhood, and especially my teenage years, which weren't too cheerful as I was a strange child, and even stranger teenage girl. I guess nostalgia is a bitch, but I just want to be fourteen again. Time goes by so quickly I'm getting whiplash.

I'm scared about meeting people, scared to not make friends, scared to be that weird teenage girl forever. I can't eat, my stomach's all closed up, and I've got a migraine. God, this is weird.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted, lots of love,

Anna.

I am starting uni on September 16th. I am scared, as I don't know anybody (all of my friends are going to other colleges, and studying things far more useful than literary studies and classics).

A couple months back I went on a tour of the humanities faculty building and it is absolutely beautiful, it looks like it could belong in a Donna Tartt novel, or a Shirley Jackson story: creepy, kind of unsettling, old, reminiscent of gothic architecture, beautiful.

I am excited, but also extremely confused, when I was building my timetable I realized none of my classes were on Fridays, and upon further research I found out there is no class on Fridays. I am confused about that.

Anyway, as I do every year before school starts, or, As I've done for the past three years, I will be re-reading The Secret History by Donna Tartt. I have had to buy a new copy because the one I've had since 2021 is so used the pages fall off. I am currently reading The Goldfinch, also by Donna Tartt.

Have a good academic year, lots of love,

Anna.

It's exam season again... let's get those good grades! 🫶🏻🫶🏻

I just started reading The dangers of smoking in bed, I am enthralled by the aesthetics in all of these short stories, omg.

Also love the cold weather, and I'm eating lots of tangerines and drinking lots of tea and listening to lots of music.

Might rewatch gilmore girls or little women...

Xx, Love u, Anna 🫶🏻