Richard : What did you guys get in your yearbook?
Camilla: 'Prettiest Smile'
Francis: 'Nicest Personality'
Charles : 'Most likely to start a bar fight'
Henry: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'
Bunny: *didn't make it to the end of the year*
"How can I ignore depression when it comes to hugs me when no one else did?"
~ Me, at midnight, while taking a shower.
Richard : There are seven chairs and ten kids. What do you do?
Charles: Have everyone stand.
Camilla: Bring three more chairs!
Francis : The most important ones can sit down.
Bunny: Make them fight for the chairs!
Henry: Kill three.
Richard : Why isn’t the statue smirking at me?
Camilla: It isn’t smirking at anyone, they’re all just imagining it.
Richard : Three of us saw it, Camilla. How do you explain that?
Camilla: *points at Francis* Sleep deprivation. *points at Charles* Paranoia. *points at Henry* Delusional personality disorder.
Sometimes I randomly remember Henry Winter didn't take the SATs for not being "aesthetically pleasing" and I wonder why I am studying in a field I am not interested in and wasting my life away; then it also hits me that Henry Winter was also rich as fuck and he can afford that.
Dark Academia is pretty in theory; it's too expensive for regular people. We can't go to exclusive colleges and do degrees in ancient languages and fine arts.
No wonder I read books to feed those desires I could never afford in real life.
Bunny: Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something?
Richard: Nope, absolutely not.
Camilla : I hope it sucks, whatever you're going through.
Charles : I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life.
Francis: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you.
Henry: I can't wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could've changed that outcome.
Bunny:....
Francis: Rules are made to be broken.
Henry: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
Richard : Uh, piñatas.
Charles : Glow sticks.
Camilla: Karate boards.
Bunny: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.
Francis: Rules.
Henry:
Who wants to be the main character? I want to be the omniscient narrator of someone's story.
Crippling loneliness in the age of the internet:
"Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?"
~Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart (1999)
Let me set the scene:
In a dark room, the only light is coming from the phone of a girl laying on the bed, as she mindlessly scrolls for hours on end. She is typing fast, she is running multiple apps in the background, she is listening to the latest hits while doing all of this, her earphones never leave her ears; even when she closes her eyes, she is still listening to a podcast. Despite all these activities happening around her. The girl looks bored and apathetic, her eyes are blank, no emotions, no thoughts. And for hours to come she stays in that state, waiting for something to happen, even if it doesn't, she doesn't care.
This could be the opening lines of a sci-fi novel but this is actually how I act when I am alone. This is how my life has become. And while people like to blame this on the internet that has made Gen Z mindless zombies; I think the only reason I haven't died is because of the internet. To normal people it's a curse that makes humanity fall to its lowest. To me it gave a purpose, a want and a direction to live for.
The Internet isn't the evil mastermind to me, it's a necessity that has kept me alive and not succumbing to the fact I have no one to talk with.
Internet to me isn't Instagram, Snapchat, Discord,Twi--X (someone stop Elon Musk from cooking), it's the "quirky" apps like Pinterest, Tumblr and Reddit as well as the depths of content that is YouTube. It's the places where I found "my" people who understood me, who accepted me, who appreciated me. Growing up I had no one to talk with, even my own family wasn't understanding, let alone my friends.
During my school life I had always been surrounded by friends or as I like to put it, people I can talk to and have lunch with during school hours. That's what it was, nothing more than that. My idea of friends was just different from others, I didn't want emotional connection or people to hang out with. I wanted friends who would listen to my ramblings and be able to debate and discuss things with.
I don't want to seem pretentious or snobbish and definitely not above others in any way. But....when I am surrounded by so many frustratingly stupid people, I don't have any other words to describe them than "not good enough for me". They may be wonderful people, who are warm and lively. I do not care about being around such people. I am someone that watches video essays on morality, ethics, philosophy and analysis of movies and TV, in comparison to the people I know I am just more perceptive and thoughtful and that alone makes me seem like a stranger to them (INTPs are weird in short form). My dad told me smart people have it hard to make friends because of this exact nature, I wouldn't call myself incredibly intelligent but I know I am far more capable in thinking than my classmates who watch reality TV shows and Tiktok dances. Sometimes I cannot even comprehend how people can even get satisfaction and happiness from something as simple as that and that's when I understand: it's okay to be different than that and it's okay that they are "normal".
I feel like I am Lain from "Serial Experiments Lain", as if my existence is given meaning by the internet and I was born from it. My lack of social interactions in person can be explained by that, but it's the thought of talking with other people that often scares me. I am used to being silent, so much so that even on the internet, I remain quiet, not interacting with people who might understand me. Being afraid of not being understood has stopped me from even trying to make connections when there's people ready to do that.
I don't even reply to comments on my posts, unless I have to and I don't talk with anyone on the internet itself. I just watch and be happy at other people's interactions and feel a sense of belonging.
For some days I decided to stop doing that, to stop the vow of silence. To let people approach me and approach others myself. I want to be friends and it's the only thing that I have ever considered as something I couldn't achieve.
Loneliness isn't as pretty as the movies and books tell you. It's more of a psychological thriller than a show like Euphoria and Skins where these stylised depictions make my depression and loneliness appear cool. It's cool to be alone, to have my own space and not cross boundaries but it's not cool to let the loneliness that shields me, devour me.
Personally, after I have read TSH a million times, and I DON'T like any of them.
Richard is pretentious liar, who may be making up the entire story, who knows.
Henry.....I am not even gonna explain his faults. I still love him tho (I don't like him, it's a love/hate relationship).
Francis, used to be my favourite because I imagined him looking like Timothée Chalamet but now that I think, he wasn't much great either (although I still consider him more likeable than others, but that might be my delusion or want to find one good character).
Camilla is a mystery. I don't know anything about her and I don't trust Richard and how he made her the saint of the group. I know she is a fan favourite, I just don't get her, we see so little of her personality! What is this girlie thinking? (she could've made a great twist villain)
Charles. I know he was used as the "scapegoat" in the book but if he was the way he acted in the last chapters. I hate him.
Bunny, somehow the most normal one, makes my skin crawl with his words. I am conflicted about his murder.
What if all of them are red flags? (Kinda are)
Ps: I didn't put "none of them" because I knew it would get the most votes.
I want to read a fanfiction about Henry and Richard being an AU version of Sherlock and Watson.
The scene where Richard tells Henry about the moon landing and Sherlock telling Watson he doesn't know the earth revolves around the sun are just......
💫perfection💫
Imagine the shenanigans they will get into. Henry being the smartass who doesn't know how the metro works (or the modern world to an extent) and Richard being his babysitter/oblivious partner (who doesn't know what the fuck is happening) and they are roommates! (Omg, they were roommates)
They even have the same unresolved homoerotic tension like Sherlock and Watson.
Ps: Richard used to study Medicine in the past and Watson is a Doctor....boom
I just realised how much I disliked Bunny (on my first read) because of his personality and not any of the others who ended up killing him.
We all collectively agreed
"I can excuse murder, but I draw the line at homophobia"
"You can excuse murder?"
The Curse of Creativity and the suffering of artists:
"There are tons of people who are just as good as me." - Seiji Amasawa, Whisper of the heart (1995)
Ghibli movies have always had a huge impact on me. Full of quiet sensibilities and easily understood complex concepts; Ghibli movies made my childhood and the person I am today. And despite the cuteness of Totoro, the innocence of Ponyo, the quirky weirdness of Howl's moving castle (the themes of that movie are so intricate too) or the message about hardwork and burnout in Kiki's delivery service, there is one movie that remains in my heart (no pun intended)
"Whisper of the Heart" has taught me so much about myself and the path I am headed. It is the most beautiful, soul-crushing movie I have ever watched not because it has wars and the death of loved ones but because it is relatable and grounded. I can see myself in Shizuko and Seiji, I understand their struggles and dreams. I smiled with them and I cried for them. I related to Shizuko's struggle to see her writing as anything good and Seiji's belief that despite his achievements he isn't anywhere near as good at his skills as some other people.
This movie made me think about the saying I so often hear "Don't suffer for your dreams". While I scoffed at it when an adult said that to me first, now that I am much older and hopefully wiser, the words struck me not as nagging but as a warning.
Suffering doesn't equal great art, some people think that only those who are depressed and mentally ill can make great art, which is completely false. (Although I don't blame those people as many great artists and writers were actually mentally ill, it's not the only thing that makes one a great artist!) You don't have to suffer to be a great artist, you just have to be creative and work hard, there's nothing more to that.
When I was in my most depressed state during the last two years of high school, I wasn't writing or working hard on my book. I was staring at the wall wishing I would disappear. Overcoming that depression led me to write better, work harder, chase my dreams with passion.
During the times where I am stuck in a chapter I can't get through and my brain goes blank, I think to myself if I am actually a good writer or I have been just treading the waters of talent that I don't have. When people call me talented, it makes me squirm, it takes away my hardwork and effort.
Being a creative person is not easy, it's not all sunshine and rainbows where you are constantly getting new ideas. Sometimes it makes my head hurt. Acting on your ideas is not easy. I can think all I want but when it comes to actually writing that idea, I freeze.
Being an artistic person makes you feel self conscious. If anyone will like what I do? Will someone criticize me? What if no one likes my work? What if they judge me? There's someone who is better than me, why should I even bother?
Creativity isn't just a blessing, it's also a curse. It's a double-edged sword.
You should try to achieve the best but not make it your end goal. Life is so much more than success, fame and material goods. I don't write for any of those things, I write for myself and the people I care for. Even if I don't end up publishing any of my novels, I would still write. Never stop dreaming and become monotonous, you don't have to make sure your hobbies earn you money, they should give you peace and happiness.
There are times when I spend too much time in front of my computer typing out another new story when I stop and think back at those words, I don't feel dispassionate, suffering won't make me happy, writing whatever I want would. So I type ahead for some more minutes and take a break. I indulge in the world that I create in my books and make characters that I love more deeply than human beings, but I don't want it to become my life. I would still do normal everyday things and talk to normal everyday people. Work-life balance is utter bullshit and too idealistic, but making sure your work doesn't consume your life is what matters.
Even if I do end up getting an ordinary job and not making my hobby a career, I would not be disappointed.
I am ready to live a life of rationality and pragmatism but I will never accept monotony.
Can we talk about how Richard thinks of Judy Poovey as a weirdo, when she is less chaotic and insane than all of the Greek gang members.
Judy Poovey didn't do rituals in the forest that involved a bacchanal, searching for Dionysus.
Judy Poovey didn't push her best friend off a cliff.
Judy Poovey didn't cover up two murders for aesthetically pleasing reasons.
She is the most sane person out of all of them.
On the other hand, everyone that is not in the Greek class, thinks of them as the weirdos, which just shows how something that is cool and sane for one person can't be for another.
The difference between my feelings towards "If We Were Villains" and "The Secret History" is completely opposite
When I read "If We Were Villains" I cry at how tragic the story is and when I read "The Secret History" I scream:
WHAT THE FUCK RICHARD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY REDISTRIBUTION OF MATTER, HENRY?
WHAT IS CHARLES DOING SLEEPING IN A FUCKING SNAIL?
COCAINE IN PARKING LOT OF BURGER KING? EXCUSE ME WHAT?
The tragedy of TSH is the characters, I find IWWV more compelling in that department since the characters are more likeable. But the story and writing of TSH is so good! Both have their different charms and I appreciate both of them.
Ps: I think Oscar Wilde would have enjoyed both immensely if he could have read them.
Every scene between James and Oliver is either romantic or angsty (sometimes both). It makes me feel butterflies and wanting to rip my eyes out at the same time.
Idc what happened in the end, James and Oliver lived happily ever after in their cottagecore home with their books and cats.
(I am delusional for them)
Some happy TSH Headcanons:
Henry and Bunny bonded because they are both flat-earthers (sometimes they like to talk about it in front of Francis just to annoy him)
Camilla likes to grow flowers and Henry helps her in gardening.
Bunny likes to throw surprise birthday parties for his friends (they end up paying the bill).
Charles and Francis do role-play when they are bored.
Richard likes reading books a lot and since he isn't able to afford many, Henry gives him all his old copies.
Francis goes to Richard whenever he is sick ("I think I have Cholera" "You don't have Cholera, Francis")
Camilla and Francis bake together, they like gossiping about boys.
Charles calls Richard whenever he is drunk since no one else picks his phone (they know better).
Francis brought a house in Paris, he visits art galleries and boutiques.
Francis and Richard remain good friends despite their distances.
Camilla is secretly Julian's favourite student.
Bunny has a key to Henry's house because he sleeps there when Marion is mad at him.
Charles loves Champagne icecream, Camilla loves apricots (idk why but she looks like an apricot girlie)
Henry bought a Gucci bag for Francis's birthday ("Damnit Henry" "Why, I think it's rather grand!!!" )
Charles and Camilla have similar tastes in fashion, they buy their clothes together.
Henry keeps a detailed account of his every interaction with Julian.
Richard often forgets to eat, so Camilla always keeps something for him.
Henry respects Francis and considers him to be smarter than him at times.
First time reading The Secret History: A tragedy
Re-reading The Secret History: A comedy
I was laughing so hard when Bunny asked Henry what they all were doing up there, and FREAKING Henry Winter just says "Why, looking for new ferns"
He didn't have to say anything to Bunny. But Henry had to be dramatic before pushing his "best friend" to his death didn't he?
Henry Winter had a chance to be poetic and he was.
Richard: hehe....do you think Charles and Camilla are fucking eachother?
Francis: yes
Richard: *spits drink out* I was just kidding
Francis: we are all fucking eachother, when will you realise that?
(ps: I was clutching my imaginary pearls when that revelation happened)
Re-read TSH.....AGAIN
Here are some weird/wtf/sad moments and details I had forgotten:
•Henry wrote a diary entry about murdering a guy 🤨.
•then forgets that Bunny is capable enough to translate the diary entries and find out about the murder.
•Richard has a random thought about r-wording Camilla out of nowhere (*What the fuck Richard vine plays in the background*) 😳.
•The first time Richard sees the twins he thinks they are a couple..........hmm (I was sus about that from the start) 😶.
•Richard had two pages of internal monologue about Henry being gay.
•There was broken stuff in the twins dorm, which was due to Charles trashing the house whenever he is mad at Camilla (FUCK CHARLES).
•Franics was making passes at Richard multiple times.
•Francis and Camilla kissed for some reason, twice.
•Richard only studied greek before to have a language class that's in the afternoon so he could sleep late in the morning (sometimes I feel like he survives only on pure instinct).
•Richard was constantly finassing his employer.
•Henry and Charles were ready to throw hands at Judy (do NOT touch the queen you freaks).
•Henry planned multiple murder options for Bunny (💫dumb ways to die💫).
•Richard had no problem being an accomplice in murder for people he barely knows.
•Bunny drops multiple hints about the murder the others did early on.
•Nobody tried to save Camilla way before if they knew Charles's controlling nature (Henry taking her away was the best thing he ever did).
•Camilla and Henry had secret telephone codes.
•Francis was forced to have a lavender marriage 😭.
•all of this shit went down during one academic year.
•Camilla's whole purpose was to give storylines to Henry, Charles and Richard. She deserved so much better than that. And I don't want her to ever stay around any of the guys of the group (except for Francis).
•Julian was blissfully aware of the obsessive nature of his students, and not only encouraged it but directly lit the fire that caused them to become who they are. (He tried to pull a John Keating from DPS, but he could NEVER be the Dark Academia teacher icon)
BONUS:
Tally of the members of the greek gang who have kissed eachother (NOT COUNTING THE BACCHANAL, where they all fucked.....Idk what happens in a bacchanal, I am too scared to research)
Camilla: 4 (Henry, Francis, Charles, Richard)
Francis: 3 (Charles, Camilla, Richard)
Richard: 2 (Francis, Camilla)
Charles: 2 (Francis, Camilla)
Henry: 1 (Camilla)
Bunny: 0 (RIP, I guess 😅)
Richard: Francis has such pretty hands, he is like a dainty teenage girl, he is so kissable.
Richard: Henry looks cool af, his eyebrows, his posture, his glasses....ah
Richard: Charles is the best looking one though, he is like an angel on earth, 10/10.
Richard: what are you talking about, I am completely straight......I like Camilla 🙄
Henry: This year, I lost my dear friend Bunny Concoran.
Bunny: stop telling everyone I am dead
Henry: you just wait :)
Henry: I have a plan!
Richard: you always have a plan, bless you.
Francis: does this plan involve murder in any way?
Henry:......I no longer have a plan.
How Gay do you want your books to be?
Dark academia authors: Yes.
How I wish it had gone:
Richard: you know, smoking is bad for you....
Francis: shut the fuck up, bitch. I KNOW SMOKING IS BAD FOR HEALTH. Thanks to you keep reminding me that. Henry fucking killed Bunny and all you care about is if I have lung cancer, you douchebag????
Camilla: Francis, it's okay...
Richard: I was just saying....
Francis: You have no problem with the amount of alcohol we consume on daily? We are all alcoholics, take drugs and murder people!
Charles: shhh...
Henry:........can anyone stop him please, I am getting a headache.
Francis: I just have a lot of feelings.
Oliver: there's someone I like, since years and I finally want to confess....
James: I love you too
Oliver: what?
James: you said you were confessing
Oliver: I was talking about confessing to Meredith
James: oh...okay *stares at Meredith* I hate you sooooo much, bitch.
Henry: let's kill Bunny.
Francis: sounds good
Charles: no problemo
Camilla: I don't care if you do
Richard:....okay? Yay, killing bunny!!!
Me: YOU ARE GONNA COVER UP A MURDER BY ANOTHER MURDER????? I KNOW WE HATE HIM,BUT MURDER, HENRY SERIOUSLY! AND RICHARD WHY ARE YOU EVEN TRYING TO GET INVOLVED???? DIDN'T YOU COME HERE FOR THE COLLEGE EXPERIENCE, IS MURDER A COLLEGE EXPERIENCE????
Also, me: wait I already knew Bunny was getting killed why I am so surprised.....I had forgotten it was coming?
Also, me: fuck Bunny, let's kill him!
Julian: I don't understand young people nowadays, all they ever do is drugs!!! Disgusting.
Richard: *after taking Coke, LSD, random pills, probably meth, and other drugs* I know right! Tell me about it!
I always found that scene hilarious where James comes in middle of the night to Oliver's house to stay for vacation and they decide to share a bed (not sus at all) and in the morning Oliver's sisters are making fun of him when they found the boys sleeping together by asking, "Who's your boyfriend Oliver?" and Oliver is pissed off and embarssed by that but James does not give a fuck about being called Oliver's boyfriend and just says "I'm James. Lovely to meet you both" as if actually addressing himself as Oliver's boyfriend.