Death - Blog Posts
I'm gonna try and write a poem every day of June. I feel like it'll help keep me motivated during the summer. If it goes well I'll keep going in July. Here's the first:
A prominent fellow
When I was a kid, I thought he would last.
Then, I believed he was invincible.
I would draw all of my dreams in art class.
Hoping he would find them formidable.
Growing up, he’d stay in the picture.
See, he was the most courteous there was.
There to comfort when the lights flicker.
An entirely humble man without flaws.
Getting older, I’d understand the truth.
I’d learn there were problem in paradise.
After, I was so scared to loose my youth.
But I learnt life uppermost’s not goodbye.
I won’t worry now, I’ll try to be bold.
Hey you! Stop worrying already.
My dear friend, do not regret getting old.
It’s a privilege denied to many.
I felt like designing the four horseman, so this is the first I have done, Death. (I know I’m starting with the last one, but I was really happy with the design so here it is)
“When the Lamb broke the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature saying, “Come.” I looked, and behold, an ashen horse; and he who sat on it had the name Death; and Hades was following with him. Authority was given to them over a fourth of the earth, to kill with sword and with famine and with pestilence and by the wild beasts of the earth.“
Hey you know how I said I was going to make a workbook on the kind of bullshit you need to do when someone you love dies? I actually did that.
HERE IS THE VERSION WITH LOTS OF SWEARING AT THE USELESS, SHITTY SITUATION YOU’RE IN.
HERE IS THE VERSION WITH A FAIR AMOUNT OF BLACK HUMOR BUT NO CURSEWORDS.
Featuring Helpful Sections such as:
Death Certificates – What you need, why you need them, and how to get them
Prepare to spend a long and miserable time on the phone
What the Everloving Fuck is Probate
Some Simple Dos and Don’ts
Shitty Mad Libs – Templates for writing Obituaries and Memorials
How to plan a non-religious death party
So you suddenly have to become some sort of hacker or some shit
This is an eighteen page book that you can print out, download, share, and give away; it is meant to be used to collect information about funeral planning and account management after a death OR you can use it BEFORE you die and give people information so they’re not stuck playing Nancy Fucking Drew while trying to keep seventeen cousins who crawled out of the woodwork from gutting each other in front of the fucking casket as they argue about who’s inheriting grandma’s favorite dentures.
It’s not exactly cheerful and it’s full of things that are probably going to feel really fucking raw if you’re processing a fresh death.
I’m sorry! I love you! Death is shitty! I’m trying to laugh about it a little and I hope you can laugh a little too because otherwise we’re all just going to cry together.
Good luck!
(in memory of my weirdo mother and her weirdo siblings who all died too fucking young and left me holding this flaming bag of dogshit)
"How am I supposed to say I miss you and I love you when you ruined my life? How am I supposed to morn you when you were my monster, controlling me like a puppet that I wasn't. I'm free, and yet here I am, still confused. Are you family or a foe? Am I supposed to miss you or forget you? Am I even supposed to have these thoughts?"
- Dreaming of Wolves//Dark 3AM Thoughts
My theory for Kitty’s death:
Historically, pineapples were used as decor to show that you have money, as they were very expensive.
And, in ‘The Thomas Thorne Affair’ (S2E4) Kitty says ‘Pineapple?! Goddess, no. They were wealthy, but they weren’t royalty.’
And in ‘Something to Share?’ (S3E5) we see her sister purposely get Kitty in trouble by moving her mothers bust so she knocks it over.
Then, in the season five trailer we see a pineapple on a stand, being focused on.
So my theory is: Kitty’s family had a pineapple on display as they were rich and wanted to show it. Awhile after it had been purchased, Eleanor tricks Kitty into eating the pineapple with the intention of getting her in trouble, as they ate an expensive bragging item. But as it was old she gets food poisoning which results in her death. (A pineapple allergy or chocking could also happen.)
Thoughts?
“FASHIONABLY LATE” by Joshua Harker
Details & prints available here: https://joshharker.com/fashionably-late
“FASHIONABLY LATE” by Joshua Harker
Details & prints available here: https://joshharker.com/fashionably-late
𝔗𝔥𝔢 𝔚𝔢𝔦𝔤𝔥𝔱 𝔒𝔣 ℜ𝔢𝔤𝔯𝔢𝔱
𝔐𝔞𝔰𝔱𝔢𝔯𝔩𝔦𝔰𝔱
𝔚𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤: labor, Neice reader, angst, death.
The castle of Dragonstone was bustling with excitement as Lady Y/N, wife of Daemon Targaryen, was about to give birth to their first child. The halls were decorated with banners of House Targaryen and the sound of cheers echoed through the corridors. But within all the joy and celebrations, there was one person who was not happy - Y/N's mother, Princess Rhaenyra.
As Y/N's labor pains became more frequent and intense, she longed for the comfort and support of her husband. However, her mother made sure that Daemon was nowhere to be found. Rhaenyra had always been against their union, finding Y/N unworthy of her uncle's love and a hindrance to their family's legacy. She saw this as an opportunity to separate the two once and for all.
Y/N's maids and servants, well aware of their Princss's schemes, were hesitant to go against her orders. But they couldn't bear to see their lady suffering in pain without her husband by her side. So, they secretly sent a message to Daemon, informing him about Y/N's condition and pleading him to come to her aid.
Despite Rhaenyra's efforts, Daemon found his way to Y/N's chambers. The moment he saw his wife's pale and sweat-drenched face, he knew something was wrong. He held her hand tightly and whispered words of comfort, promising to never leave her side.
Y/N's labor was long and difficult, but finally, the cries of a newborn filled the room. As they held their child, a beautiful baby boy, Y/N and Daemon's eyes filled with tears of joy and love. But their smiles were short-lived as they noticed Y/N's weak and pale state.
Panicked, Daemon called for the maester, but it was too late. Y/N had lost a lot of blood and her body couldn't take it anymore. In the arms of her beloved husband, Y/N took her last breath, leaving behind her devastated husband and their newborn son.
Daemon's grief was immeasurable as he held onto his wife's lifeless body, blaming himself for not being there when she needed him the most. And in that moment, he swore to never forgive his Niece for her selfish actions that cost him his beloved wife.
The news of Y/N's death spread throughout the castle, casting a dark shadow over the once joyful celebrations. Rhaenyra, whose jealousy and spite had caused this tragedy, was consumed by guilt and shame. She begged for Daemon's forgiveness, but he could not bring himself to forgive her for taking away the love of his life.
As the days went by, Daemon named his son after his late wife, a constant reminder of the love and sacrifice she had made. And though he would always miss Y/N, he found solace in their son, knowing that a part of her would always live on in him. As for Rhaenyra, she spent the rest of her days haunted by the memory of her daughter's death, a punishment she had brought upon herself.
Love's Last Breath
Blood pooled beneath your lifeless body as Klaus held you in his arms, his heart breaking with each passing second. Your heart had been ruthlessly torn from your chest, a cruel act orchestrated by Klaus's own mother, Esther. The pain in Klaus's eyes was unbearable as he watched you slip away, your life force fading.
Tears streamed down Klaus's face, mingling with the blood on his hands. His cries echoed through the desolate room, a haunting melody of grief and despair. He pressed his trembling hand against the gaping hole in your chest, as if trying to will your heart back into place, but it was futile. The damage was irreversible.
"Y/N," Klaus choked out, his voice trembling with anguish. "Please, my love, don't leave me. I can't bear to lose you."
You weakly reached up, your fingers brushing against his tear-streaked cheek. A faint smile graced your lips, despite the pain etched on your face. "Klaus," you whispered, your voice barely audible. "I love you. Remember that."
Klaus's heart shattered into a million pieces at your words, his love for you pouring out in a torrent of sorrow. He held you tighter, his body shaking with uncontrollable sobs. His eyes, filled with a mix of agony and rage, turned towards his mother, Esther, who stood nearby, watching the scene with a cold detachment.
Through the haze of his tears, Klaus's gaze hardened into a glare. His voice, laced with fury, cut through the air. "Mother," he growled, his voice filled with a primal rage. "You will pay for this. I swear on everything I hold dear, I will make you suffer for eternity."
Esther's face remained stoic, unaffected by Klaus's threats. She had always seen you as a threat to her plans, a weakness in Klaus's heart. But in that moment, she had underestimated the depths of Klaus's love and the lengths he would go to avenge you.
Klaus's eyes flickered with a newfound determination as he turned his attention back to you. He pressed a tender kiss to your forehead, his voice filled with a mix of sorrow and resolve. "I will find a way, my love. I will bring you back, no matter the cost. This is not the end for us."
As your life slipped away, Klaus held you tightly, his tears mingling with yours. He made a silent promise to himself, vowing to unleash his wrath upon those who had taken you from him. The darkness within him surged, fueled by the loss of the one he cherished above all else.
In that moment, Klaus became a force to be reckoned with, a man consumed by vengeance and love. He would stop at nothing to bring you back, to defy death itself, and ensure that his mother paid the ultimate price for her treachery.
But even as Klaus unleashed his fury, his heart remained with you, his beloved. He would not rest until he found a way to bring you back, to hold you in his arms once more. For love, even in the face of death, was a force that could defy all odds.
And so, with your life slipping away, Klaus embarked on a perilous journey, delving into ancient magic and making deals with dark forces. He would traverse the realms of the supernatural, facing unimaginable challenges and sacrificing pieces of himself, all in the name of love and his promise to you in your final moments.
As Klaus fought against the very fabric of existence, his love for you burned brighter. And in the depths of his soul, he knew that nothing, not even death itself, could extinguish the flame of his love for you. Days turned into weeks and months as Klaus delved into ancient texts and consulted with the most powerful witches. He scoured the world for a way to resurrect you, his determination unwavering. The pain of your absence fueled his every step.
But unfortunately, the witches failed to bring you back to life. Klaus sat in his art studio looking at your portrait that he painted. you were holding a rose while wearing a beautiful black gown with an elegant smile on your pink plump red lips.
Klaus sat holding your portrait, sobbing, and drinking wine. "y/n... I'm sorry love... I'm a terrible mate... please forgive me..." He said while looking at your portrait.
My poem "Mr Keats is ill" features in VOL. 1: END of Tower Magazine. Available for purchase and/or download now!
Shooting Stars
shooting stars flying through the sky,
shining their brilliant gleam across the nations,
icy comets shooting through space,
showing me something they are, but I am not:
free.
some people say birds are a sign of freedom along with
fire and broken chains.
but, my little meteor burning through the atmosphere,
you truly had the freedom I desire.
the freedom to soar through space and choose how you want to die.
THEY DID IT THEY FINALLY DID IT THIS IS SO VALIDATING I CANT THEY MAKE ME SICK
There is poison in the water 💔
My best friend hung herself
3 years ago
I am not afraid to die
Flower Curse | epilogue
[levi x male!reader x erwin] this work will have vomiting, heavy angst and death. the reader suffers from the hanakahi disease. summary: you loved him. he didn’t. everything goes downhill when suddenly, you cough a petal when you think of him.
s e v e n
"Is not your fault, you know, eyebrows?"
He lets out a bitter chuckle, not looking at him. Erwin looks at the pile of papers on his desk, lost in thought. It's been two weeks after what happened.
"I knew my luck will run out one day. Nevertheless, I thought a titan would do the job, not some fairy tale."
The room is cold. Even if it’s a sunny day and it's hot outside, this room remains cold. There's no warm in here, and he notices.
"Is Nora eating well? Oh man... I told her I was going to see her after talking to the doctor. I hope she's not angry."
Ah, your horse. Nora wasn't that energetic after not seeing you for a long time. Even now, nobody can approach the horse without her freaking out, not even for giving her food. It was a difficult task, but thanks to a cadet named Christa the horse could eat. Erwin didn't blame the poor horse wanting to see her owner.
"How is everyone doing?"
Erwin had to tell the soldiers why one of the squad leaders wasn't going to be with them no more— so everyone who was involved in your situation accepted to just tell everyone it was just an unknown illness. Obviously, they weren't happy and some didn't fully believe it, but nothing could be done.
Hange and Moblit stayed in the laboratory, trying to distract themselves with anything they could do. It wasn't a hard task— they were in a tough situation, with how the expedition went and all.
Mike and the others higher ranks just stayed silence, moving on. This wasn't any different, right? Plenty of soldiers lose their lives, and everyone was forced to move on. It's just how it is.
Levi was the one who distanced himself, making everyone go away by hiding in his office. Hange had to check on him, bringing food and receiving yells for coming in. Thankfully, the man finally left his office and returned to his duty, just like everyone else.
There were moments when the ravenette went to Erwin and talked in some nights, but the shorter man seemed out of it.
"What would have happened if I just noticed sooner?" Levi asked, looking at the horizon, deep in thought.
The blond just sighed, "I don't know. What would you have done after knowing his feelings?" Erwin too thought about what could have been if something was done sooner, but "what if" wouldn't bring you back.
Levi just stayed silent, thinking. Would the outcome have been any different? He realized about your feelings when you yelled at him, and he really thought about it all night. But a certain girl never left his side, making him feel warm. He couldn't decide his feelings for you, but he cared about you dearly. Levi even thought about there could be something if he talked to Petra about his thoughts, but what happened made everything change.
"Maybe there was a chance for him and I." He answered.
Erwin just hummed, "then he would be here with us."
The ravenette closed his eyes, frowning. "I regret what I said at that time."
"I know."
"And you? How are you doing? You look like shit, my friend, But hey— you still look good, don't get me wrong!"
Yes, him. What did he do? Clearly, he had to move on and forget his feeling for the sake of humanity. It was a harsh truth, but this curse wasn't going to kill him when he and everyone around him were in a critical moment. So he hardened his heart, not forgetting about you but his feeling for you.
"I don't blame you. I wish I could have done the same."
Nevertheless, it was hard. He realized at the moment when you were in danger, that he was in love with you. When he saw you scared on the floor, he had to protect you at all costs.
When he saw how broken you were, he tried to pick all of the pieces, but he couldn't do a thing to make you feel better. He wanted to help you, make you happy. But when the book's author told you the truth about that girl, it all went straight to hell.
He wished he could have done things quicker— look for the doctor and find out if there was a cure or not. But everything went down too quickly, leaving this outcome.
"Still, I'm rooting for you, Erwin. I know you are strong. Levi is strong too— but you know how he bottles up his feelings. Please, stay together and help each other. And don't forget my name!"
"I will never forget you, I can't." The blond said, looking in front of him. "Even now, I still can hear you." He saw a glimpse of a smile at the corner of his eyes. He tried to look behind him, looking for you.
But the door opened, making the room warm again.
“Who were you talking to? I heard your voice.” Said a certain ravenette, giving the blond a frown.
The blond sighed, rubbing his temples. “I was just mumbling to myself.” He stands up, looking at the shorter man, “we need to get going. It’s time.” And then, he leaves the room without giving it a second glance.
Levi stands there for a second, looking around the room. For just a moment, he swears he sees a glimpse of someone standing near the window, but the sun’s rays blinds him. The only thing burning his mind was a certain smile he misses, but just as he saw it, it disappeared in a blink.
The man blinks, trying to focus his vision. He desperately looks for a certain someone in the window, but there was no one in the room— Just him.
A voice behind him says, “Something wrong? We have to go.”
The black haired man just hums, taking a glance to the window, “Nothing… I thought I saw something. Nevermind.”
Turning around, he closes the door behind him. Standing beside Erwin, both of them already walking in silence.
And just like a sound from the wind, they could hear a small gentle voice say:
“See ya.”
The two didn’t say anything, and just kept walking, deep in thought.
???
FLower Curse | 7
[levi x male!reader x erwin] this work will have vomiting, heavy angst and death. the reader suffers from the hanakahi disease. summary: you loved him. he didn’t. everything goes downhill when suddenly, you cough a petal when you think of him.
s i x
Seeing everyone was getting ready with their gear made you anxious. You wanted to go with them— to protect your squad. Sadly, strong orders form the commander made you stay in the barracks.
Surprisingly, you decided to join breakfast this morning. Even if your appetite didn't exist, you sat down with your squad and talked to them until it was time to go.
"You should rest, Squad Leader! You really look sick today..." Tim said, looking worried, "are you taking any medication?"
Letting out an empty laugh, you tried your best to wear a nice smile. "Of course! When you return, I will be better. Your Leader isn't going to be defeated by a stupid cold."
"But it has been one week and you are still sick..." Trisha said, playing with her fingers, "I don't mean to say you look bad but..."
The white haired male, Simon, crossed his arms and frowned. "You look like shit, Leader." The statement made Trisha and Tim look at him in an attempt to stop his comments, but the young male didn't care. "What? It's the truth. You are skinnier, paler, and you have get into fights with the commander and the corporal, and Petra too."
"You don't have to recall all of that, Simon. Our leader is stressed enough of... these conflicts, you don't have to make him more worried." A blond woman interfered, glaring at Simon with her greenish eyes. "We have to comfort him like a good friend would do, no made things worse."
"I'm just stating the truth— come on Elizabeth, you saw how angry he was with Petra yesterday. That throw must have hurt, too." Simon muttered to not grab any attention to the topic of conversation. Sadly, his voice got louder, "You should have seen her after—"
"Stop! This is not helping at all!" Elizabeth slightly raised her voice just to interrupt Simon, which she gladly did, hearing his voice getting louder. "You don't say all of that like it's nothing to our leader! Apologize!"
And just an argument began. You were thankful the mess hall was loud this morning— if it weren't, they would have heard all of what your comrades were saying. Just the table besides you caught attention of your soldiers getting railed up, but they quick dismiss it when they saw your glare.
Tim and Trisha tried to calm them down, but their sweet and low voices didn't made trough. Elizabeth was over protecting with you, and Simon was brutally honest. These two didn't match that well, but their differences were forgotten once they were in battle. But of course, the two could talk normally in one moment and in a second they could be fighting, just like now.
"Alright, that's enough. You both calm down and sit down; everyone is watching you making a fool of yourselves." You finally ordered, rubbing your temples. A headache overcome you, maybe for not eating well yesterday and today— your bad mood was getting through.
Thankfully, the two took the order and sat down, silently glaring at each other.
"Simon is right. I'm not in my best shape right now and..." you passed a hand through your hair, sighing, "I've been in a bad mood, as you could have heard, or even seen."
There was a minute of silence, until Tim broke it with an unsure look. He didn't know if he was alright to ask this, but he did anyway, "Leader... are you sure is just a cold? I mean— I'm not saying you are hiding something or anything, but..."
"Are you saying Squad Leader [Name] is hiding something from us? Something as important as his health?" Trisha asked, muttering to herself.
And just by that, another discussion overcome the topic. But you quickly ended it by the truth— just like yesterday, you decided that the best thing to do was being honest with everyone. Well, just a little honest.
"It's not a cold." You stated, looking at your squad members, which they quickly shut their mouths. Muttering, you proceed, "we... don't know what it is exactly, and I don't know when it will go away."
"What do you mean?" Simon frowned, looking confused, "are you implying that you have an illness? And you hide it from us?" "I did." The soldiers looked at you with wide eyes at your response, Elizabeth, Tim and Trisha looked surprised and taken aback, Simon frowned, looking away. "I didn't know what it was at first... and I still don't exactly know."
"You... don't know?" Simon asked.
"No, we don't know."
"What are the symptoms?" Elizabeth quietly asked.
"I just... throw up a lot and it's hard to breathe." You decided that was the best thing to say—it wasn't exactly a lie, right?
"And no doctors know anything?"
"Nope. No luck." Seeing their faces made you worried— there were just minutes to leave, and they couldn't just go with worrying about something else. They had to stay focused in the expedition, so you quickly tried to fix the mood. "But hey! Erwin and I heard about a doctor in Wall Maria that could help me, maybe we can go after the expedition, come on, don't look at me like that."
Trisha was the first to look at you with spark in her eyes; she was hoping you were telling the truth— after all, they care about you. "A-Are you sure? Do you think he will help you?"
"Are you not telling lies? After all, you just hide an illness from us for one week." Simon bitterly said, averting your gaze. He was hurt, just like everyone else— they were your soldiers under your command, your comrades; your friends.
Ouch. But it was the truth— you fucked up. "I'm sorry; I owe you all an apology for lying to you. But I'm telling the truth; Erwin and I have our hope on that doctor."
Tim tried to light the mood, "That's good, right?! Maybe, maybe we can go with you when we got back!" He smiled.
Trisha quickly joined his joy, "Exactly! We will go when we return, Leader! That's a promise."
You laughed, feeling something warm in your chest. Knowing they cared about you, even when you lied to them, made you feel good. Looking at Elizabeth and Simon, who were still not saying anything, you asked, "could you two forgive me?"
Simon meet your gaze and sighed, "Of course, Leader. Yes, you lied to us, but right now what is important is your health, right? So don't worry."
"Exactly. Yes— we are hurt, but what comes first is your health, Leader. So don't smash your head on your desk for what we think. We care about you." Elizabeth stated, smiling at you.
You felt as if a ton of bricks lifted up from your shoulders— and you just laughed with all your heart. "You guys are the best. You better don't do anything stupid in the expedition, you hear me?" Your squad just laughed, "Of course, Leader..." they said in unison, making you laugh.
"Where are you going to be placed? And who is in charge? Tell me!"
"Calm down, Leader!" Trisha said, raising her hands, "we will be placed in the right flank along with James."
You sighed, feeling relief— Yeah, they will be safe. The right flank usually doesn't encounter that much of a problem. Yes, yes,, they will be safe and sound.
"You know how I hate to break the mood, Leader, but," Simon said, approaching you and muttering, "won't you apologize to Petra? You know, she is hurt, even if she doesn't want to show it..."
Sighing, you knew he was right— what you did was wrong. This morning you thought to apologize to her already, but thanks to everyone coming and leaving like flash you couldn't. Or maybe, you just were making up excuses.
"I will apologize to her after the expedition." You stated, giving a quick look to Levi's table— which you quickly averted when you saw the ravenette looking at you.
"Everyone! It's time."
"That's our que! We have to go, see ya, Leader!" Trisha said, leaving with Tim.
"We will go to that doctor after returning, alright?" Elizabeth stated, before leaving the mess hall.
"Yep, what she said. See ya, cap."
And after that, they all left, along with everyone else. You were alone in the mess hall, looking deeply in thought. Somehow, you didn't notice someone staying— the hand slamming the table made you jump, looking right at the ravenette.
"Levi! The fuck!" you cried out, holding your chest.
"Oi. We will talk after the expedition. No hiding." He said, looking straight at you. You just sighed at replied,
"Yeah, yeah... No more lies..." The reply seemed to satisfy him, because he was already leaving with a smirk. You stopped him before he did, saying, "Hey! If you can... can you make sure they—"
"I'm absolutely sure they can handle themselves just fine. Aren't they your soldiers, [Name]?" He said, furrowing a brow. The question made you laugh— made you feel dumb to be worried about your soldiers being in danger. They know what to do and not do— they will return.
"Of course..."
The ravenette looked at you for more seconds before leaving. You were alone with your thoughts now.
Yes. You will apologize to Petra— she is your friend, you didn't have to snap at her like that.
You will talk to Levi and explain the curse. You will go with your squad to Wall Maria, to go for the doctor. You will apologize to Erwin. You will. Everything will work. ________________________________________ You never felt so bored before— was this how it felt when you were left behind? You felt like shit. The barracks were in absolute silence. You didn't know how much time were you all alone in your office. One hour? Two? How much does an expedition last? Were you outside the walls that long? Never felt like it. You wanted them to come back already, you wanted to be with your squad and protect them here.
Unfortunately, a painful feeling in your chest began to extend itself in your throat, and you knew exactly what it was. You just tensed and throw it all out, meeting with the colorful flowers. You thought you were finished after five flowers, but the feeling of something stuck in your throat made you gag.
It felt like glass coming out from your throat; it hurt. It hurt a lot. You hardly coughed, holding your throat to bear the pain— your eyes were teary, saliva was dripping from your mouth— the fucking flower just didn't want to come out.
Finally, after it seemed like hours, you had to take the flower out of your mouth with your hand— you could feel ripping it from something inside your chest.
The flower came out with a big root. Bigger than the others, at least. There was a lot of blood with it, too. Along with the petals and flowers that came out before this one. Fuck, this doesn't look good.
Throwing the flower to the floor, you tried to catch your breath— your throat was sore and hurt like hell. You could feel something inside your chest, not letting you breath properly. Calming your nerves, you thought the best thing was to get water and then go outside to get some air— yes, that was what you were going to do.
xxxxxxx After drinking some water, you went to the stables, where the horses were kept— and when you came in, you left a sigh of relief when you saw your horse, Nora, all alone.
"Hello, girl. They left you behind too?" Approaching her, you pet her nose, only to get licked by her. "Don't worry, I'm going to stay with you, alright? We both will wait for them here."
You placed a box near her, you sat down and talked to her. Just letting out about all of what was happening lately.
"But, you know, I think I will get better. After they return I'm going to look for Timothy with my squad, and we will know if I can get cured." Hearing her snort, you laughed, "Aw, I wish I could take you with me... but I don't think I can. Will come straight at you with the news, tho!"
Nora quickly began to move, pointing with her noise at the stable's door.
"What, girl? Are they already back?" Paying attention, you could hear the horses, some voices... "Thank you, Nora! Will come back after I see the doctor!" You exclaimed, leaving the stable— you were happy they were back already. There was already sunset, why did they had to take so long?
Whatever! You will find Tim, Trisha, Elizabeth and Simon, but first you will apologize to Petra.
But the state they were in made your heart ache. Your chest tightened— why did they look so grim? Why many of them were injured? What happened? You were sure in the last expeditions there wasn’t anything this bad— yes, you don’t came back joyful but like this…?
Instantly, you approached them, they could see your worried face, and by the looks of them, they didn’t want to tell you something. Where was James? Where was your squad?
“H-Hey! Where is my squad? Tim, Trisha, Elizabeth. Simoon...?" You tried to ask a soldier who just passed you, ashamed, You grunted, going with one of the recent cadets— Kirchstein. "You!"
The boy instantly turned at your direction, sweating when he spotted you. "Squad Leader [Name]..." he could only mutter. Was he going to be the poor bastard who had to tell you the bad news? Fuck.
"Do you know where is my squad? I don't see them." You said, looking at all the soldiers to spot your friends, but no luck.
"It wich flank where they?" Please don't say right flank, don't, don't...
"In the right flank, with James. I don't see him either..."
The blond you didn't spot at first, Armin, who was beside Jean, tensed along with him. They stayed quiet for some seconds, before Jean had the courage to tell you the situation.
"The right flank was completely wiped out, Squad Leader." He gulped, fearing what your reaction could be, "there were no survivors in the right flank."
You felt as something broke. Like a glass shattering on the floor in a million pieces— something you couldn't describe in one word. Something hollow, dark, cold.
The cadets really didn't know what to do, so them both just apologized. Before they could leave, you asked one more thing. "Where's is Levi's squad?"
This time, Armin answered you without looking at you in the eyes. "They are... dead too, Leader..."
"Just... Just how?! A flank wiped out?! Levi's squad?! What happened!?"
"Squad Leader— We—!"
"[Name]." You heard someone call for you— a deep voice. Turning around, you spotted Erwin who was standing there, looking at you with an expression you couldn't decipher. "Come with me." He softly ordered, trying to not get you all hot headed, but sadly, that didn't work at all.
You were furious. You should have been there with them! "They are dead, Erwin!" you cried out, scaring the two cadets who were there by your sudden loud voice. "They are gone forever! I should have been there! I should have, but I didn't, I didn't, I didn't!" you repeatedly said, approaching Erwin and punching him on the chest with your fists wich he only could took.
"[Name], please—"
"No! Shut up! If I was there, I could have protected them! Damn you, Erwin! Why, why, why!" You desperately said, tears coming down. "They are gone... Elizabeth, Tim, Simon, Trisha... We promised..."
"We will go together."
Erwin knew even if you would have been there with them, nothing could have been different. Your current situation wouldn't have let you work things out. He had to said the hard truth, even if it hurt you. "Stop acting like a child, [Name]. Nothing would have been different."
"Stop! And? I should have been with them... I should have..." You muttered the last part, not finishing what he already knew you were going to say.
He sighed and took your wrist, "come with me and stop shouting. Just, calm down until we are at my office, alright?" He gently ordered, looking at you with that soft expression he often showed you. You just eventually gave in, crying and taken by the hand like a child.
--------------
When the door was shut, you instantly cried harder, grabbing Erwin by his jacket and hiding your face on his chest. He wrapped his arms around you, caressing your hair. Softly muttering things on your ear, he tried his best to comfort you, but you were broken beyond repair. "I— I can't see them again!" you sobbed, "I couldn't a—apologize t-to Petra! I'm — I'm so sorry!"
He could feel his heart hurt hearing you so broken. Why were you apologizing? "[Name], don't say that. Nobody knew what would have happened, is not your fault. Nothing is your fault."
Crying louder, you just sobbed, saying things Erwin couldn't understand by your sobs. So he just hold you, trying to fix the pieces of the broken glass. You two stayed like that for what seemed hours, until you calmed down and rested your head on Erwin's chest.
"Are you better?" He gently asked, kissing your head with caring. The answer he got was a grunt and loud sniffing, before you broke the hold —that he didn't want to broke at all— and wiped your face with your hands.
"How— How is Levi taking it?" You asked, looking at the floor. You wondered how he was feeling now; maybe just like you.
"He's holding it. Petra's father... talked to him when we returned." He closed his eyes, "Levi is furious, but he knows the feeling too well, [Name]. But that doesn't make it easier..." "But... an entire flank was wiped out. How is that possible?"
Erwin sighed, going to his desk and sitting down. He began to explain what happened to you— the abnormal, or intelligent titan they encounter, how they tried to capture it and failed... You wanted to kill whoever that person inside the titan was— the person who killed your comrades.
"I'm going to see Levi." You stated, but before you could leave, Erwin took your wrist, making you stop.
"[Name], I don't think this would be a good time."
"I have to see him, Erwin. I have to. We have to talk right now." You had to— you could feel something covering your throath slowly. The bad news only made your insides worse— it was harder to breathe.
"But [Name]—"
You interrupting him by freeing your wrist, and said, "We will just talk. Just talk..." and then, you left, leaving him alone in his office.
______________
"Come in."
You slowly opened the door, seeing his miserable state he tried to cover. When he saw you, his expression changed to a grimmest one.
"Funny how now you come to me, [Name]." He bitterly said. Was he trying to joke around?
Nevertheless, you tried to hold yourself together. "I'm sorry for what happened..." You didn't want to say it out loud— you didn't even want to think of it.
He just hummed, closing his eyes. "Me too." Was the only thing he said, before everything fell into an uncomfortable silence.
"About what is happening to me—"
"I seriously don't want to hear you right now, [Name]."
Your heart sinked at the sudden statement — yes, you knew he was hurt, bu so were you! You had to tell him the truth, he had to hear it. "No— but, hear me out, Levi, because I love you I—"
"Stop talking." He interrupted you, standing up, looking at you in bitter. "Get this straight: I will never love you, [Name]. And you know why is that?"
Ouch. That hurt. A lot. That hurt, it hurt, it hurtithurtithurtithurt—
"Because the one I always loved is dead."
Right. He never loved you. What was there to talk about? Why were you trying? You knew this was over the first time you threw up that petal.
You were wrong. Nobody could have helped you wake up from this stupid love trance. So foolish. This was it— you couldn't breathe. Something was not letting you breathe— you had to get out. out out out out out.
You just let the tears flow and flew— straight at your office. You tried to grasp for air, but you couldn't. Your lungs were full with something. You needed help. You were on the floor, trying to rip off your shirt.
Help me. Help me help help helpgelpplessepleaseplaeplasleslap
"[Name], I saw you—" You heard Erwin? coming in, and when he saw the state you were in, he shout and order to a soldier who was walking near, and in a matter of seconds he went to your side. "What is happening, [Name]?!"
You tried to mutter something, "I—I can't breathe..." you felt as if your jacket was suffocating you, "j-jacket..."
He understand you immediately, taking off your jacket, making you slightly better. You could breathe just a little, but you were feeling something growing inside. Slowly taking your lungs, reclaming them...
"You are going to be alright, [Name]. Don't fall asleep, alright? Hange will come and help you." What was there to help? It was too late. Too late.
You painfully smiled at him, tears dripping from your face. You raised your hand and touched his cheek, making him frown and grit his teeth, "thank you... for staying... with me."
He took your hand with his, "don't. Don't say that, [Name]. You will live, don't say anything else."
You just smiled, looking at the ceiling. You could feel how he carried you and laid you on something soft— the couch in your office?
When Erwin turn his head to place you somewhere comfortable, he spotted the flowers laying on the floor. He saw the flower with roots. He didn't want to say it out loud, but he feared of what would happend.
Quickly after that, he heard frantically steps approaching you, instantly opening the door and revealing Hange with her assistant, Moblit. Both of them had worried expressions, and they looked frightened too.
Hange approached you, examinating the problem. Erwin stayed near you, always watching over you. Hange tried everything she could with the help of Moblit, but nothing was working.
"I have nothing else! Nothing is working, Erwin!" She desperately said, looking terrified. "Nothing!" Moblit tried to solve the tension, but he was worried too about what was currently happening. You look at the woman and smiled at her. You take her hand and squished it with the strenght you had left.
"Don't worry, Hange..." You saw her tears flow, looking desperate, you look at Moblit who was at the verge of tears, "don't you worry either, Moblit." He just averted your gaze. You let go of her hand, and looked at the ceiling again, mumbling to yourself, "who is the unluckiest of them all...?" you let out a painful laugh, "it's [Name]..."
A tensed silence overcome after that. You were barely breathing, but you were still alive. But you will be gone soon.
Someone opened the door while talking, "Oi, [Name], I'm sorry I–" but quickly stopped himself when he saw the situation in front of him. "What the fuck is happening?"
Nobody answered. Everyone stayed in silence, not daring to say a word.
"I asked something! Answer!" He desperately shouted, looking at your weak form on the couch. You were so pale, your eyes were glossy... he wanted answers! "Someone answer me!"
"[Name] is dying." Erwin stated, looking coldly at him.
"Why?! He was fine just minutes ago! What happened?!"
Moblit left the room, and Hange was sitting down on a chair near the couch, covering her face with her hand. Erwin was at your side.
"Because he has an illness no one knew about but us."
"Nobody told me shit!? What the fuck?!" He quickly approached your form, trying to talk to you, but Erwin hold him. "Erwin, tell me what is happening is happening to him!"
The blond just glared, "He is like this because he loves you."
The ravenette just dumbfounding looked at the taller man, "Oi, eyebrows, stop joking around and tell me the fucking truth!" he took Erwin by the collar, but before anything could happend you talked.
"He... is telling the truth, Levi." Your voice was getting lower by the minute.
"What kind of bullshit is that?"
"I was trying to tell you... earlier," when you said that, he averted your gaze, ashamed. "I have something that makes me throw up flowers... Hanahaki curse."
"That's not possible, how can I believe that...?" This time Hange interfered, with her red eyes looking at Levi. "It's the truth. Because he loves you, and you don't love him back, something just... bloomed inside his lungs. We didn't believe it at first but now... we do."
Levi stared at you with widening eyes. He couldn't believe the situation; but his friends wouldn't lie like that, right? No, they wouldn't. He just looked at you, and said,
"I'm sorry..." He frowned, holding the tears. Was he going to lose you too? Because he hurt you? He hated himself. He regretted what he said.
You just sweetly smiled at took his hand, "no... need. Not your fault, hmn?" you let out a chuckle, "nobody's fault..."
He kneeled at your side, caressing your cheek. He was unable to cry— even if he hardly wanted to. He muttered his apologies over and over, until you didn't smile anymore.
Finally... You could see them again. Tim, Trisha, Elizabeth, Simon, Petra, Ed, Oulo, Gunther... your comrades smiling at you. Welcoming you. Everything was blurry.
"See you..." you said, before giving your last breath.
Nobody said anything.
Levi was still holding your hand, muttering his apologies.
Hange was crying, trying to hold back her sobs.
Everyone was busy with their feelings, that they didn't notice Erwin coughing, covering his mouth.
Erwin wasn't surprised when he spotted a white petal on his palm.
e n d.
epilogue
The birth of the cosmos
Shes having a rough day😔
Guys please don’t take the Tw lightly it is gorey😭if you don’t fancy seeing someone get slice in two DONT watch😭😭
This took way less time than expected uhm…heh…😅
I’ve been locked in making this TRUST
Is it a little patchy and messy.…yeah probably…but HEY!1 it’s okay❤️
Trust me guys they are best buddies💕💕
It’s my first time drawing this kind of stuff properly so gulps..wouldn’t be my best work
Me & Christine
A piece of my heart is buried with you, anxiously beating below the sand and soil where you lie.
I kneel next to your grave desperately needing to dig my way back to you.
Maybe if I can retrieve the other half of my heart, you'll somehow come back with it.
Our memories have no rhyme or reason because my heart lacks any consistent beat anymore.
Nearly every ounce of its will throbs tiredly remaining buried beneath the ground, as it rests in the shadow of what was left behind when your soul left your body.
-kalika
Langst (gets dark)
He watched his friends talk happily about things he just tugged is on his string it was no longer a bright beautiful red now nothing more than a dull white.
A tear rolled down his face, he found the body, Keith’s adopted family did not even grieve, he was nothing more than a pond in the game to them, but to Lance he was his fellow knight fighting together until the end just as Keith said....
Yeah the end came sooner then then they thought. Lance did not even feel the tears rolling down his face. He was Keith’s ocean his calm. Keith was his fire the reason he went on, his fire, his heart.
“Lance are you okay?” Lotor asked.
Lance suddenly felt sick to his stomach. He was not even dazed by Keith decease, he was Keith’s adopted brother! He was not fazed by the knife in Keith’s back, literally and figuratively.
“I’m fine” he said. He saw Hunk’s face disappointment, he wasn’t telling the truth, he lost his soulmate the one person he was supposed to be there for.
The bell rang a chorus of byes and see you later later happened Lance walked to his house by himself. Keith would usually accompany him now he was all by himself.
He had a brief conversation with his mama. Before leaving to his room.
The weapon he was holding was Keith’s his mom’s knife the second most precious thing in the world to him given to Lance, the first most important thing to Keith. He would see him again after this.
White slowly turning to red once more. His white string. The reason he was outcast. The marker of loneliness, forever by himself least he’ll be with him after this. Now red once more.
The face of his dreams wrapped his arm around him a soft smile on his face Keith.
“I love you Lance”
“Love you to”
Soulmates reunited once again.
The Two Crow Roads and Second Death
Neil Gaiman “Google can bring you back 100,000 answers, a librarian can bring you back the right one.” They also look at you funny when you request 2 copies of the same book through the inter-library loan. Even funnier looks when you insist on a hardback and paperback copy.
My quest inspired by @crowleysbookshop for the differences between versions of The Crow Road ended with: 1) two different publishers (Scribner vs. Abacus) and 2) different cover work artists. So not allot. If there is a difference, I missed it.
But there's double-meaning of Crow Road.
Crow Road is a street in Glasgow.
Crow Road is also a metaphor for death.
Two Crow Roads. Two Deaths. A second death.
Photo credit: @daria-meoi
Second Death
The phrase "second death" appears 4 times in the Bible, specifically the Book of Revelation. The one Nanny Ashtoreth and Brother Francis read to Warlock.
There's a first physical death. You've shuffled off this mortal coil and gone to meet your maker.
The second death is a reference to an eternal separation from God for non-believers and a swim in the Lake of Fire. Where bad folks go when they die.
A traditional interpretation is that the "lake of fire" and the "second death" are symbolic of eternal pain, pain of loss and perhaps pain of the senses, as punishment for wickedness.
Revelation 20:11-15
“Then Death and Hades were thrown into the lake of fire. This is the second death, the lake of fire. And if anyone’s name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire.”
If I read that right those who experience this death are all those whose names have been removed from the Book of Life.
There's Hemingway's quote, "Every man has two deaths, when he is buried in the ground and the last time someone says his name. In some ways men can be immortal." Is that also a Book of Life reference? The power of a name.
I don't understand the Book of Life yet. It's just something you scare cherubs with. I've seen some great meta from @beebopboom on it and the Guardian of the Eastern Gate.
Photo credit @fuckyeahgoodomens
I'm still wondering about these seats. Left Crow Road has rabbit seated. Rabbits are a Fibonacci reference. Then the empty seat. Then second Crow Road with Elspeth's hat over the back.
Why is there an empty seat?
Is it for Death?
A missing book? A book between two deaths. That seat is for the Book of Life.
"And Cain says, “When you split me and my brother in the womb, you did not divide us evenly. He got kindness, and I got longing. He got complacence, and I got ambition. I want to kill him sometimes. I think sometimes he wants to die.”
- Nathaniel Orion, "Hevel"
