I know there is gender dyshporia, but that leads me to wondering what other types of dysphoria there are. Species dysphoria, I’m sure, is one of them. Sometimes - often, lately - I feel like I’m experiencing it, feel like I don’t belong to the human race. I’m not sure what race I belong to, who my mother nor my sire are.
I look back and we come from Ireland, and I’m curious to know if I’m a Fae from Celtic mythology, if I was born as part of the Seelie or Unseelie Courts - but I can’t know, because to my knowledge I’m human. It sucks to be human, you don’t have special powers, no one doubts your existence - no one has a firm and hopeful faith in you appearing to them.
I exist as nonbinary. Around me I see men, and women, and boys, and girls - I see transitioning genders, I see a binary all around me that I exist outside of. I feel like a creature in a world of humans, trying to blend in, calling myself one thing to one side and another thing to the other, and I feel torn. Do I say I’m nonbinary, and risk rejection or mocking? Or do I say I’m a boy, and risk almost the same thing.
Maybe there’s a monster burning inside me, aching to get out and wreak havoc. To consume people and rip them apart, paint with their blood and keep their eyes as pretty little trophies. I don’t know what I feel the impulse to do half of the time, just that I don’t because it would hurt others. I know that I do have that side of myself where the impulses come from, where my animalistic thoughts reside. I know I can’t ever let those out, lest I lose everything I care for.