Eidol Talk - Blog Posts
I acknowledge that was a selfish way to reach out to apologize if that was my intention. I haven't intended to reach out to you for a very long time, I really don't like to let myself lick my wounds about what I did because I'm the one that burned that bridge so I try to resist feeling guilty for what I did and I've tried to restrain from saying anything directly to you. Truthfully I rarely let myself look at your accounts, or your art, or think of you directly, because I felt like I lost access to the privilege of any positive association with your memory the moment I betrayed you. But you have still cemented yourself in my mind as the driving force behind my actions. I don't trust myself anymore with other people and avoid talking to anyone in fear I'll repeat what I did to you. I can't make art without thinking of you. I can't look at myself in the mirror without thinking of you and your disappointment in me. Seeing and realizing the magnitude of selfishness and ego behind my actions at that point in time irrevocably changed me and I haven't been able to think of anything the same way since. I hope that knowing what I did plagues me and will continue to at least gives you some kind of satisfaction. I'm sorry for reaching out in the way I did, I sent that message in a moment of weakness and desperation and I regretted doing so immediately. You can think what you'd like but what I've said is the truth. I don't want your forgiveness or pity nor do I expect it. There is no justification or explanation for what I did that would be meaningful enough to be worth saying. I appreciate that you gave me any response at all as it was more than I deserved
I see you for who you are. But I wonder, in your weakness, if you see yourself for who you are too. Maybe it’s time you face your true self in the mirror instead of my memory. You’re lucky your impulsivity didn’t cost you more than that.
I will be here.
You were right about everything. I'm sorry I turned my back on you. I regret losing your friendship more than anything I've lost since. I hope life has been kinder to you than I was.
When you think of me, do you remember how you felt the first & last time we spoke? Do you look over my artwork in pain, instead of fondness? Should I feel understanding of your actions now that time has passed, or do you simply rid yourself of guilt by pretending to speak with me?...
Got my first scam ask lol I don’t think the account was a bot either :/ woohoo.
I should start posting my art here lol
forcibly opened this site out of deeply ingrained habit from college years... i should probably update my theme to be more accurately reflective of my current mental state. i've avoided the environment here out of pity and boredom but the bird site becomes less and less attractive every passing day. this poor laptop probably feels the loneliness radiating off of me and entices me with its general ease of use...
i very much miss being social haha.. im using my old laptop now and its just so.. much easier. in every aspect. to actually think about talking to others. what is it about this thing? is it the years of trauma and escapism connected to the time i used it? is it just genuinely easier for me to process things through a screen and keyboard that actually work?? honestly who fucking knows BUT WHO CARES! i want to talk to people and make cool sexy art and be in a community again. im making it happen.
