🐇.er - Blog Posts
ᥥ⑅ᥥ unhealthy relationship, unlimited flow / killing games, codependency implied, mention of killing
but imagine that you have a childhood sweetheart, and he is so beautiful that even flowers, even the sky, even the sea, even precious stones, even a fire — nothing can compare with him, and he looks as if he really smells of perfumes and mists, but at the same time he is beautiful not only as a woman, even if he is thin and flexible like bamboo, but as a man, wide and stable, and you constantly look at him 24/7, thinking about how much he is smart, ambitious, loving and caring, adoring you with all his soul and more, then looking around, afraid that someone will take him away, because years later you don't even care if he becomes ugly, but before your eyes he has gone from an incredibly beautiful boy to the same young man.
and everything is fine with you: he initiates a relationship, takes care of you all the years, continues to take care of you even when he makes you an offer at home in an intimate setting (respecting and fulfilling your desire if you suddenly want a public proposal, asking in advance), and you are already married, and he always takes care of you, builds with you plans for the future, your families communicate closely, he is always respectful, but not "too shy or timid"... Eeen if all these annoying perverts keep hitting on him, as if they don't notice the ring on his finger or your presence!...
... just so that one day you wake up in a world where you refuse to play some kind of horror game in real time, without being able to get out, saving your life, with the same incomprehensible "players", fearing for your life, knowing that your husband is waiting for you at home, probably anxious that you've been away for so long, and you're even ashamed that you haven't said goodbye to him in any way and can't contact him, but you're forced to stay here — and when you're almost desperate, you meet your husband!...
... but it's not your husband?
they look the same, the same mole, the same curve of the eyes, the same smell, the same breath, the same look — but it's not your husband. something's wrong- why doesn't your husband recognize you? and it's so annoying! why can they harass him, taken man, and seduce him like shameless rakes, but you, a legitimate spouse, can't do anything?! it's annoying! he's your husband! it's definitely him! how could it not be him?! it's one person! is this damn place playing with you?! you're trying to find out something, but it's useless! Is it really an NPC? but they are the same! How can this be a projection? even the most perfect projection can't be that good!
... when you manage to return home after completing your mission, you can't help but scare your husband with your agitated behavior, as if you're some kind of angry dog or spouse and he's an unfaithful husband, — even if he's trying to play along with you and trying to find out what's wrong, massaging your shoulders and asking you to tell him what not so much, looking into your eyes so... touchingly and promising to improve if you talk to him and spend more time with him... that your heart melts.
you're just... on your nerves. of course, you can't say anything, but you're still glad that he accepts you, even if he doesn't understand anything. he's so good! much better than everything that happened! no NPC can compare to him! he is so loyal, gentle and loving, as if he cannot live without you, as if you are the center of his universe, and looks at you with the eyes of a sad dog... that you don't find the strength to feel any dissatisfaction in the end.
... but when you are forced to return to the "game" again, there is an NPC who looks like him again. and again. and again. and again. and again, someone is trying to seduce and flirt with them! why is someone flirting and seducing your husband (even if it's a projection) in front of your eyes?! you can't stand it! It's your husband! yours! how dare they touch his waist, make greasy compliments despite his disgust, try to touch him, offer him privacy, make greasy, obscene phrases and jokes behind his back- if they could, they would have stripped him here already!
disgusting! beasts!
you can't be polite or kind enough! how can you just watch?! you're definitely going to get into a fight with someone! right here!
you're so shocked when it's this "likeness of your husband" who protects you by hitting you first, and takes care of your wounds, even if it's a zombie apocalypse — but you're still amazed that he didn't try to stop you as the instigator, and instead asks you to go with him. or when he gives you supplies. or when he's looking out for you. or when he takes care of you even in terrible conditions, promising you that he will definitely buy you new clothes and put you in order as soon as the world becomes "like before," and you try to smile, but everything inside you gets cold. why does he look so much like him, even if you know it's not him? why is he just- are you cheating on your husband with this likeness of a husband who is exactly his copy, not even a mirror image, who breathes the same way, looks the same, holds the same, walks the same, they are the same, you don't see a single difference, and you get scared.
this is the first time that you die in a mission on your own, because you cannot withstand this strange, uncomfortable, abnormal overload, even if your death still counts as success in the mission — but when you open your eyes, lying on the bed,
your husband looms over you,
looking almost... frightening. and scary. very.
“... my love, you were restless in your sleep. do you want to talk, or should I get some water? or both?”
both.
both, — and you're afraid of it.
resisting the urge to do so many things right now
I might give in at this rate PACK IT UP EVERYONE!!! WERE DONE HERE!! IT SEEMS I MAY BE AT MY BREAKING POINT!! THE LAST STRAW IF YOU WILL!!
Cleanrot Knight Finlay and Malenia sketch!
“Finlay was one of the few survivors of the Battle of Aeonia, who in an unimaginable act of heroism carried the slumbering demigod Malenia all the way back to the Haligtree. She managed the feat alone, fending off all manner of foes along the way.“
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Beware the ides of march they say. Perhaps we should beware every month, as we the participating audience watch this pantomime play out on insta reels and YouTube shorts. Meanwhile groceries prices go higher, innocent people die trapped under the rubble of their homes and country relations are haywire，all because the man on stage wants to pretend everything is satire. And he does this while the world catches fire, calls it progress. Calls it great T.V. But will call foul play when shots are fired when the people he hurts grow tired.
There's a special cruelty involved when you include the "um's" in the subtitles.
This, um ... the sheer earnestness of this makes me kind of sad.
The Happiness Show Episode 32 - How Thoughts Determine Our Happiness
Psych wards are psychotic and evil
By the way, friends, if you ever have a mental breakdown or are suicidal or anything like that don't go to the emergency room. The following is not just one bad hospital. It's basically all of them. I've talked to other people in other parts of the country.
I had a massive breakdown summer of 2023 from a new anti-anxiety med and a lot of stress. We called for an ambulance and got 4 cops instead. And I got a nice strapped down ride to the ER. To be fair, I was not in my right mind at the time and was unpredictable.
But it wasn't fair.
ER psych wards are straight out of 1923.
They use hours of stress positions and cold to torture the inmates into "submission" ("coercive measures"). And it doesn't matter if you are already submissive. I was obviously in control of myself by then and fully cooperative. The bastards wanted their fun anyway. After the hours of stress positions, they continue to keep "patients" unsettled with over medication of "anti-psychotics", verbally shame them from being sick, and keep them in a constant state of anxiety and discomfort after they have "coerced" them into submission while way too many heavily armed cops roam around doing their own bullying. All the time denying them obviously needed medical care including simple first aid. The "nurses" and "doctors" themselves have lost their empathy and replaced it with sadism. And they ruin the good hearts the younger ones to be just like them.
I didn't hear a single compassionate word given to anyone.
There are not private rooms. It is a open, tiled area buried in the basement behind many doors and guards and closed to visitors with a bathroom and guardhouse in the center with a few alcoves and no doors. While I was strapped down for hours with my arm cranked behind my head, with my shirt pulled up for cold torture, and the cuffs tightened and biting into my wrists (but they could still shove two fingers into my flesh and squeeze them in there so it was "legal") the other inmates were just wandering around me and I was utterly vulnerable should one of them decide to do anything to me. People are all dressed in paper gowns and sitting on hospital beds, wall benches, and wandering to pass the time.
I have so many stories just from 18 hours of being in there witnessing the worse psychological and physical tortures they were doing to the people they knew had nobody. It was a constant provocation of the most vulnerable people in the hospital in order to excuse more "coercive measures".
I watched them kill an old woman's dog.
It was going to be 115F that day. So early in the morning around 5am she started asking for her phone to call her brother to go get her dog out of her trailer and save it from heat death. They told her she could use their phone. But she didn't know the number (who knows anyone's number anymore?) She asked for her cell phone in her belongings right behind them and they said they would get it and then they strung her along till 3 in the afternoon, making her beg and plead and be oh so polite so she wouldn't end up on a bed with her arm cranked behind her head for being too loud or give them an excuse to simply straight up tell her no for being too "disrespectful."
They were petty too, loudly telling people breakfast was on it's way 3-4 hours before they knew breakfast would get there just to make people feel hungry and get them anxious and waiting assuming it was coming any minute now. As the staff kept reminding us breakfast would be here any minute every few minutes.
And they take away even the ability to escape by suicide. An escape so many would surely make if they could. I doubt Hell would be much worse. The only reason I got out so "soon" was I had an advocate (spouse) trying to bring me home. To be fair people are sent there for being "suicidal". But I don't see how it could do anything but hasten their descent towards taking their own life.
They, like prisons, don't help anyone. It's just for storage and terror. And it caused me trauma that continues to give me flashbacks months later. I'm not sure what state I would be in now without a loving family and a spouse who loves compassionately and deeply to heal me. Or my long-time counselor. Or my chickens. I held my little bunny for hours as my little angry little tribble did his best to comfort me. I slept with terrible dreams for nearly 48 straight. I couldn't even eat for a week. It feels even now like it set me back a year in my recovery from the pit I only recently crawled out of.
I think the second worst thing was the insanity of it all. Why hurt people who are already hurting so much? I get the whole Nietzsche thing is in play. So fucking what? It's still insane.
The worst thing was meeting a young resident doctor who was obviously gay and Latino. He knew what it was like to be oppressed. I could still hear some basic goodness in his voice. But he was already cold and compassionless. They were ruining his good heart just as they had done to so many others. And he will become twice as much a son of hell and traumatize thousands more over his long life.
And I know that is only a snapshot of the evil in our empire.
Elden ring + SotE lore rambles part 2 electric boogaloo
Spoilers ahead
If you want, my first post was here, its not necessary to read it to understand but it might also interest you.
Alright, so ive been playing the dlc and thinking a lot about Miquella, Marika, godhood and everything. And in my first post, I speculated that the reason Miquella turns out to be the "bad guy" (big quotation marks bc theres not really an actual "good" here cmon guys its fromsoft were talking about) was because the path to godhood required him to fundamentally change as a person.
We do see how much change is required here, Miquella abandons huge parts of himself, both physical and emotional. But the part that interests me here is St Trina specifically. St Trina is a large part of who Miquella once was, shorn away and made into an entirely new person, cast away in Miquella's post to godhood.
Now that got me thinking, bc doesnt that sound familiar to you ? A young empyrean, casting away part of themselves to become a god, and that part becoming an entirely new person of the opposite gender ? Now where have i heard that before...
Oh hi Radagon, what are you doing here ?
Do you see where i'm going here ? The whole Radagon is Marika thing has been a topic of debate for a while now, and i dont want to toot my own horn here but i might have cracked the code.
I think Marika split Radagon from herself on her own path to godhood just as Miquella did with St Trina.
It works pretty well with every aspect of the lore so far. It explains the how in the Radagon is Marika thing, St Trina is somewhat antagonistic towards Miquella just as Radagon and Marika were somewhat antagonistic towards each other, I dont think either Radagon or St Trina are empyreans despite their other halves being so, etc etc. And we do see that St Trina is a whole ass different person which implies Radagon probably was as well.
Anyways damn, like mother like son amirite ?
Just found this new dialogue in leda's questline, not too sure what to think of it...
Been watching The Pitt and ER.
Like switching back and forth.
Also been watching Outer Range and Animal Kingdom.
Started reading 'Salem's Lot too.
The creative juices are movin yall
Might have to start writing again..
Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Les Misérables - All Media Types Rating: Not Rated Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Enjolras/Grantaire (Les Misérables), Combeferre/Courfeyrac (Les Misérables), Jehan/Bahorel, Feuilly being single, Joly/Bossuet Laigle, Cosette Fauchelevent/Marius Pontmercy Characters: Enjolras (Les Misérables), Grantaire (Les Misérables), Combeferre (Les Misérables), Courfeyrac (Les Misérables), Feuilly (Les Misérables), Bahorel (Les Misérables), Bossuet Laigle, Jean "Jehan" Prouvaire, Marius Pontmercy, Éponine Thénardier, Cosette Fauchelevent Additional Tags: Artist Grantaire (Les Misérables), Everyone Is Gay, Gay Male Character Summary:
Modern Au where les amis have a terrible schedule at high school, and they're trying to fix it. They join choir and Combeferre and Courfeyrac embarrass Enjolras in front of Grantaire.
Here’s my steal for Enjoltaire in the semifinals. It’s getting intense. I won’t be able to function properly until this shipping showdown is over and everything’s in order. But it’s so fun! Everyone, make sure to vote!